The Abusive Wife: Ministering to the Contentious Woman

by David D. Edgington

The wife is the “unexpected” abuser/reviler in a marriage. Biblically, the term “revile” speaks of the verbal aspect of mistreatment of others. It is a “non-contact” weapon in the arsenal of the bitter, controlling person. Both in society and in the Church, it is assumed that the husband is the one who reviles the wife, yet there is a growing trend where the opposite is the case. And this trend will continue to get worse as role confusion in marriage and relationships escalates in the modern world. Men in marriages where they are reviled feel alone, judged, and hopeless. Most men in this kind of marriage suffer silently since to openly admit this problem calls into question one’s masculinity. Being reviled is so painful and debilitating that most men seriously contemplate suicide. It is no wonder then, that the sin of “reviling” requires church discipline (1 Cor. 5:11; 6:10), yet how many churches practice this? This book is a must-read for the husband living in a reviling marriage. It is also a resource for the Pastor who wishes to minister to his people according to the Scriptures. Wives will also find from this book to help them avoid the pitfalls that can so easily entangle them. Drawing on his vast experience as a full-time Biblical Counselor, Dr. Edgington examines this pressing issue from both his experience in counseling husbands and wives, and also from the practical application of the Word of God. David D. Edgington, PhD is the founder and Executive Director of “Compassionate Counselors,” which is a Biblical Counseling ministry in Phoenix, Arizona. He is also an ordained Pastor with over 20 years of experience and is currently the Preaching Pastor at Christ’s Community Church in El Mirage, Arizona. For more information, please visit www.CompassionateCounselors.com

Genres: Counselling, Marriage, Nonfiction

180 pages, Kindle Edition

Published October 22, 2020

Reviews

[ThePrill · Rating 4 out of 5]

A sobering little book. While there was nothing earth-shattering in here, and I think that the author and I would come from a similar presupposition on this matter, the examples contained herein are painful and teeth-gritting at times. I think this book is mostly intended as a comfort for men going through life with a reviling wife and for pastors to wake up to this pressing issue in the feminising church, and so its material did not affect me so much. However, despite its brevity, I would commend this book to anyone who wants to read on this subject. Though it is more of a primer than a book giving advice, the subject matter ought to be of crucial consideration, for, as the author states, many of the women involved in this very practice would in the same breath affirm submission and justify their reviling.

[Paul Tautges · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm grateful for the increase in resources that address the problem of domestic abuse. However, almost all of them operate from the assumption that the wife needs only safety, and the husband needs only confrontation. Having been a pastor for over thirty years, I have seen the problem pattern of wife-to-husband mistreatment more times than I care to admit. Therefore, this book fills a gap in the current counseling resources—caveat: like every resource, humble leaders must carefully and wisely apply it with both grace and truth to their specific context. No one should ever adopt a cookie-cutter approach to counseling.

[Cory · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was helpful in understanding a trend that few want to discuss while also being a helpful demonstration of faithful pastoral counseling.

[Lloyd · Rating 3 out of 5]

this was 3 1/2 stars.

It is helpful in bringing attention to real-life struggles that many would laugh at or, worse yet, not confront.

Dr. Edgington aims to encourage husbands who may feel alone and full of despair. He also seeks to challenge and equip pastors to honestly, wisely, and justly counsel abusive wives.

Dr. Edgington spends a good portion of the book with countless examples of abusive wives and unhelpful pastors. There is excellent biblical counseling in this book, but I thought there could have been more.

[Zachary Wilke · Rating 3 out of 5]

Edgington does a great job identifying and diagnosing the problem of the reviling wife—five stars on that front.

However, he is far too light on practical application. One is left with the impression that husbands in this situation must merely endure while passing off the responsibility of actually dealing with their wife's sins to their pastor/counselor. As a pastor/counselor, I want to equip the men of my church to grow a backbone, lead with strength and love, and present their brides holy and blameless before God. Yes, they need to pray for their wife, they need to trust Jesus, and they need to get help. But most men simply do not know how to firmly and lovingly correct their wives when they are in sin, nor do they know how to deal with the blowback they might face when they try. These are things I wish this book would have provided.

Here's a sample of what I'm talking about:
"You, husband, will not be the one to truly 'help' your wife. She has no respect for you and she holds you in open contempt. In fact, the more you try to help her, the more bitter and resentful she will get since she believes with all of her heart that you yourself husband are the problem and not her." (p.116).

But what if the husband could gain her respect? What if there were things he could do to make this happen? Then, he would be in a position to "help" her, and she would be more likely to receive his correction. I grant that there are circumstances where Edgington's quote above rings true, but I think husbands have more power to change the marriage dynamic than Edgington gives them credit for. The husband is best suited to correct and lead his wife to holiness. That's what God commands him to do (Eph. 5:25-27).

I know he is releasing a new book on this topic, which I look forward to reading. I hope he fills in some of these gaps regarding applications for husbands.

[Camryn Odio · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cover Art: needs a makeover, the photograph is, I fear, more comical than anything else.

Semantics: I would make some minor adjustments to two things, in particular: firstly, the discussion of constant, daily and genuine bottom-of-your-heart forgiveness. I believe forgiveness is transactional and there cannot be forgiveness without repentance. Of course we must not harbor bitterness and we must keep genuine forgiveness at the ready in the event that there is repentance from the wrongdoer, but it cannot be received without being asked for. Maybe I’m wrong?
Secondly, the discussion on the roles of men and women and why wives are to submit to husbands, “God chose for it to be that way”. While true, it’s deeper than that. It came across as arbitrary, rather than due to the created order, the natures of men and women and what each was created to be and do, i.e. telos.

Apart from that, it was excellent. While I’m not the target audience, I found it convicting, very biblically based and, barring the above examples, well articulated. Will be recommending.

[Scott · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author’s observations and analysis of the Reviling Wife are very good. I think this book can be an encouragement to men who suffer in this area and perhaps even help women guilty of this sin see themselves more clearly. However, I took issue with the handling of “bitterness” in Heb 12:15 and the discussion of unilateral forgiveness - neither of which are biblical in my judgment. I also didn’t like the “divorce is not an option” stance he took. In cases of abuse, if a church follows the biblical process of confrontation, pursuing repentance, and church discipline, the lack of repentance can result in divorce because an abusive spouse is NOT “consenting to live with” their believing spouse in any semblance of the marriage covenant agreement that includes responsibilities for both parties and the pursuit of reconciliation and peace (1 Cor 7:12).

[Brad Bevers · Rating 5 out of 5]

I heard this book pitched on a podcast and it sounded different enough that I thought it would be worth reading. There is not a lot out there on this subject, but this book is really valuable to help see through some of our cultural assumptions and look at things more clearly. This is an issue that has been growing for a long time, especially in the Western church. Really good read for pastors, counselors, and anyone who is trying to figure out how to react in a tense situation. The author does a good job of explaining the 'white knight' syndrome that many in leadership fall into when having to counsel. Very good read in a very narrow category, recommended.

[Joseph · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great. I believe this could also be applied to fathers who exasperate their children.

Lacks covenant headship. I wouldn’t remove anything from the book. I agree a husband cannot make his wife sin, her sin is not his fault, and her sin needs to be dealt with. All that is true. I would also add that a husband is responsible for his wife’s sin as the covenant head. He needs to take ownership of it and make sure it is dealt with.

[Joshua Reichard · Rating 4 out of 5]

I actually read the new book called “White Knights and Reviling Wives” but good reads do’s not have this book on here.

I’d say it was a helpful book overall. His thesis I think is true and needs to be taught more in churches today. The book though was probably 100 pages too long. A lot of repetition and meandering at times.

And yet this book packs a punch and should be read by all counselors and pastors.

[Kevin Hall · Rating 5 out of 5]

A neglected subject

The author handles a subject that many leaders, pastors and counselors refuse to address. It is not for the courage they claim to have it is actually out of fear to address it because of the blow up it may cause. Read the book and seek to be just in the way you deal with marriage counseling.

[Sara Kessler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent! Every pastor or nouthetic counselor must read. Reviling is a common issue in the church and this book not only addressed the very issue of it but also how to help men/women who are suffering through verbal abuse from a spouse.

[Kevin · Rating 5 out of 5]

*blinks twice*

[Jerry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Many pastors and counsellors are afraid to deal with the sins of women, or even to acknowledge they exist. This brief but insightful book provides balance and wisdom.

[Alice · Rating 5 out of 5]

I believe every pastor and every elder should read this book.

[Meaghan Recollet]

This book was written for a very severe, specific situation, and I see how it would be beneficial to that marriage.

[Brittini Austin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a wonderful book. Every woman needs to read this.