Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction

by Patrick J. Carnes

"Dr. Patrick Carnes is a creative,  pioneering, and courageous human being. His books are  changing the lives of  thousands!"

"I lost three marriages, all because of affairs."  "I became suicidal because of multiple intense  involvements."

"I spent money on sex when I  needed it for children's clothes."

"I  lost promotion opportunities and a special  scholarship because my co-workers found out about my sex  life."

Every day they face the possibility of  destruction, risking their families, fiances,  jobs, dignity, and health. They come from all walks  of life: ministers, physicians, therapists,  politicians, executives, blue-collar workers. Most were  abused as children--sexually, physically or  emotionally--and saw addictive behavior in their early  lives. Most grapple with other addictions as well,  but their fiercest battle is with the most  astounding prevalent "secret" disorder in  America: sexual addiction. Here is a ground-breaking  work by the nation's leading professional expert on  sexual addiction, based on the candid testimony of  more than one thousand recovering sexual addicts  in the first major scientific study of the  disorder. This essential volume includes not only the  revealing findings of Dr. Carne's research with  recovering addicts but also advice from the addicts and  co-addicts themselves as they work to overcome  their compulsive behavior. Positive, hopeful, and  practical, Don't Call It Love is  a landmark book that helps us better understand  all addictions, their causes, and the difficult path  to recovery.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Addiction, Nonfiction, Sexuality, Relationships, Counselling

448 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1991

About the author

Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., is an internationally known authority and speaker on addiction and recovery issues. He has authored over twenty books including the bestselling titles Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, Facing the Shadow, Betrayal Bond, Don’t Call It Love, A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps and The Gentle Path through the Twelve Principles.

Dr. Carnes’ research provides the architecture for the “task model” of treating addictions that is used by thousands of therapists worldwide and many well-known treatment centers, residential facilities, and hospitals. He founded IITAP (International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals), which provides CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) training and certification as well as cutting-edge information for addiction professionals. Dr. Carnes currently serves as a Senior Fellow and Executive Director for the Gentle Path Program at The Meadows in Wickenburg, Arizona.

Reviews

[Monica Willyard Moen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book can be a great source of help, encouragement, and understanding for couples where one spouse is struggling with sexual addiction. This book can help the nonaddicted spouse to understand the addiction better and will help to explain how people recover. This helped me feel more patient and helped me understand that my husband's addiction had nothing to do with my character or value. That's worth far more than the price of the book. ;)

[Pascal Skoufos · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone who has suffered or is suffering from addiction to sex, masturbation,porn etc should read this book. Patrick Carnes who is a sex therapist explains how through childhood trauma, often sexual exploitation but also emotionally and physically exploitation we can develop sexual addictive compulsive behaviours wanting subconsciously relive this trauma often times. This book was written through more then 1000 testimonies of recovering sexual addicts. Great read and eye opener on a issue nobody wants to talk about. You can only heal if you heal your inner broken child.

[Denise · Rating 5 out of 5]

Want to educate yourself about sex addiction? Here's your comprehensive reference.

[Ramón S. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although I don’t share some opinions and some political correctness. This book is a jewel in the field and a classic.
Dr. Patrick Carnes had been a person fully dedicated to help those who had been destroyed by this pan sexual culture and abandoned.
This book is a must read for those trying to understand the roots of sexual addiction and a real recovery process

[Jason , etc. · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a groundbreaking work in a particularly devastating flavor of addiction. The scholarship behind it and the importance of the work is complemented by the conversational tone of the writing. It was timely and helpful and enlightening and I can never say enough about how enlightening I found it.

[Rena · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a tough read. But has also given me hope that I have struggled to gain. I think mostly it is because I see a path that I can travel that is clearly laid out. Even though I read this to understand my husbands addiction I see I have a lot of work ahead of myself too. I was also thankful i have already begun some of what he says will help. So very thankful to read this book.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

THE BEST book on the subject. SOOO helpful and insightful. I feel like I just graduated with a PhD after reading this book. I couldn't put it down. Heartbreaking. It's more common than ever today due to the internet. I really liked it.

[Travis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting book. I guess this was the first book that studied sexual misbehavior and found the similarities between them and addictive behaviors. Again, some of the cases were a little blunt, but portrayed in an objective manner. Very insightful. I'll probably read it again.

[Adrien Wamboldt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a huge fan of Patrick Carnes so I knew it would be great and I was not disappointed. There is so much information in this book it’s unbelievable. It combines personal experience from sex addicts with education about the disease. It is everything a person would ever need to know about sex addiction. But yet he still has other incredible books that are worth reading. God truly works through Patrick Carnes.

[Nico Barendse · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome read, way beyond "sexual addiction". Covers so much everyday experiences and realities. Very direct and helpful.

[Christopher Carver · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very useful and thorough. Well-written and researched. Peppered with stories that helped me relate and prevented the reading from being dull or boring.

[Dez Van Der Voort · Rating 5 out of 5]

Writing: 5/5
Knowledge Gained: 5/5
Enjoyment: 5/5

Great book, on healing from sexual addiction.

The gist of it is this. Some people are more sensitive than others, and since we all have some trauma along the way reaching adulthood, the more sensitive ones, if did not learn to mourn and cope, will use sex, or narco, or anything addictive, to cope with this stress.

The method to decouple from being an addict, is to:

1) learn how to cope with life, using healthy coping strategies (humor, sublimation) as opposed to unhealthy ones (addiction).
2) have a support network (church, AA group, spouse)
3) if there's no support group, you can always seek out Jesus, He'll answer you, and He's the best.

Once that starts to happen, we see on average after 3 years, a stark change in the life of an addict, where he realizes his full potential, in work, in family, in sexual relationship with spouse, in non-sexual relationship with same sex and opposite sex.

The reward is high, the reward is great. Will those addicts take the challenge, undergo metamorphisis, and remain sober for the rest of their earthly lives?!

[Bella · Rating 3 out of 5]

My rating is conservative as I did not complete the book. From the first 60 or so pages I perused, and the sections after I skimmed, I think this book is a solid discussion and potential assistance for understanding sexual addiction.

[Diane · Rating 3 out of 5]

Such a hard red about sexual addiction. Helpful info but so dark especially in the beginning.

[Esta Jo Schifter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unless the text has changed, this book describes the physical process of all addictions.

[Stryker794 · Rating 2 out of 5]

Good information generally, but incredibly outdated.

[Randon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read for a research project on sex addiction.

[Cris B · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excelente