Speaking Peace: Connecting with Others Through Non-Violent Communication

by Marshall B. Rosenberg

Our words have the power to create profound healing-or incredible suffering. Yet even with the best intentions, it is often difficult to express ourselves in ways that build harmony and trust. Speaking Peace presents a seminal four-part model you can use immediately to connect to the spirit of love and generosity within you, and start contributing to the wellbeing of everyone you relate to. Join Marshall Rosenberg, the visionary author of Nonviolent Communication, to learn: How to use your natural empathy to defuse stressful situations and safely confront anger, fear, and other emotions * Proven skills for overcoming "dehumanizing" communication patterns that block compassion * How to see through the eyes of others to foster understanding, and more. When you convey "what is alive in you"-your true feelings, and the values and desires behind them-you establish honest, nurturing relationships that eventually fulfill everyone's needs, teaches Marshall Rosenberg. Align your speech with your heart's purest depths with Speaking Peace.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Communication, Philosophy, Personal Development

Audio CD

First published April 1, 2003

About the author

Marshall Rosenberg was an American psychologist and the creator of Nonviolent Communication, a communication process that helps people to exchange the information necessary to resolve conflicts and differences peacefully. He was the founder and Director of Educational Services for the Center for Nonviolent Communication, an international non-profit organization.

In 1961, Rosenberg received his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Wisconsin–Madison and in 1966 was awarded Diplomate status in clinical psychology from the American Board of Examiners in Professional Psychology. He lived in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where the Center for Nonviolent Communication's office is located.

Reviews

[Ariel Pontes · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book contained unnecessarily mystical language ("spiritual", "divine energy", etc.) and unfounded assumptions about human nature ("deep down we're actually good") that in my view reflect an inability on the part of the author to differentiate poetical from factual language. However, none of these claims were necessary premises for the arguments made in the book, which were good and supported by other evidence brought in by the author. Overall I recommend the book and if you're a rationalist and you feel exasperated by the mystical hippie language I urge you to take a deep breath and keep going because most of the content of the book is quite useful and helpful. I believe in this age of political polarization we could all benefit enormously from some self-awareness and nonviolent communication.

[Marissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good introduction to NVC, but it repeats a lot of the anecdotes and information from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. If you've read that, you will not get anything new from this book. On the other hand, if for some reason you have only a very limited amount of time to learn NVC, this book is a nice abbreviation of Nonviolent Communication.

[Karen Kline · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think world leaders, teachers, and police officers need to use these techniques, but I *need* to know how can we take the time to work through other peoples' problems when their values are not in sync with our own. The compassionate time required to rehabilitate people who express their needs in ways that harm others seems the hardest part to grasp. Helping others to find the joyful willingness to be positive change makers is surely the key take-away concept here for me.

[Melinda · Rating 5 out of 5]

this info changed my life realized never learned how to communicate
nor did i know anyone who fully did in a nonviolent way
must read for anyone who wants to learn to communicate will blow you away

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed the audio book. Profound, yet easily understandable, approach to how we can break our dysfunctional communication cycles and create peace by focusing on needs driving our behaviors. I am looking forward to reading more of his work!

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

I very much like what Rosenberg was conveying and can find ways to apply his thoughts to my everyday life. Seek not so much to be understood as to understand.

I was not prepared to be serenaded while listening to the audiobook. Haha. It did make a difficult subject a little lighter.

[Sylvie Barak · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great method, simple concepts, not enough detailed examples.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I want to say up front, that I think this book has really valuable insights in how to communicate with anyone. My husband and I spent time talking about how these introspective practices might help us in various relationships and roles we have. I would definitely recommend learning more about nonviolent communication if you have any relationships or professional/volunteer capacities where you need to know how to improve the relationship through how you listen and speak together.

I'm not sure if this is available in book form as I listened to the audiobook, but I would guess not because in listening, it's as if Dr. Rosenberg is sitting in front of you talking about these principles in a casual sort of way - so casual that it didn't sound like he was reading, but not so casual that it didn't flow well. The concepts of nonviolent communication come-off with a hippie vibe and there were times where I felt like I was sitting across the campfire from Dr. Rosenberg at some commune, thinking "what kind of incense is he burning?" But if you take the teachings with their full intent and try to apply them, they work.

The term "nonviolent communication" kind of threw me off, because of the violence piece. I don't tend to think of my communication patterns as violent, but it makes more sense when you think about how communication can be inflicted or taken so personally as to cause defensive remarks, anger, shame, etc. I heard about nonviolent communication because I had read about how it is used across social platforms, including in prisons. There are foundations that teach individuals about nonviolent communication because they may not have been taught at home how to be introspective about feelings and needs, and communicate those needs into words respectfully - which lets be honest, is pretty much everyone on the planet. Hence, worth reading/listening to something by Marshall Rosenberg.

[Will Jeffries · Rating 4 out of 5]

Almost everyone has heard about Non-violent Communication by now. Marshall Rosenberg does a fine job by explaining a way that we can reach this state of non-violent communication.

Speaking of Non-violent Communication in less than a month, the Dalai Lama is coming here to Fayetteville, AR to speak on Non-Violence in the New Century at the University of Arkansas (May 11th 2011). So, it's pretty much everywhere now-a-days. If people would just take 15 minutes out of their busy day to sit down, breath in and out, and just chill - this world would probably shift a lot faster. Just sayin'...

For more information on Marshall Rosenberg, go to: http://www.cnvc.org/

[Becky Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened to on CD in my car. Listening to it again with my husband and taking notes. Can be a great help for marriages, companies and countries. give the process for correct communication. Does not agree with praise or punishment.

[T. Laane · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked his other book about Nonviolent Communication. It was refreshing to hear from this book that he also had a “normal” background, that he was not born “enlightened”, but became it - meaning going towards this Nonviolent Communication is really possible for all.
The author is in the search for what is “alive in someone” - mostly, in people, who we tend not to like. To understand them.
Punishment doesn't work. You have to ask two questions: 1) What you want them to do 2) What do you want their reasons to be, doing it.
And you have to get clear what the needs are when you are requesting something. Like a mother asking son to clean up the room has the needs for 1) beauty and 2) support. If she just had the first, she could clean it up herself.
And all your REQUESTS (not demands) You must present so others can “see what is alive in You”, what is the beauty in your request, why You want it. Other people MUST see your needs and the beauty in them, so other people will have joy in fulfilling Your needs.
When you mentally TRY to be with a person, then you really are not with them, because You are thinking HOW to be, and analyzing from your perspective. You are not really BEING with them.
You should not take things personally and you should not judge the other person, rather dig deep what is beautiful in their message, what is alive in them. Even if that sucks, for You must not agree with it, only see it. You don’t have to agree with other people, just gift them Your presence.
When you are in touch with what your needs are with other people - you can communicate everything much more peacefully.
Every choice in your life, EVERY CHOICE that You have ever made, was in the service of some need that we are trying to meet. And we always have a choice.
When someone is “behaving bad” (your kid smoking), then they are trying to fill a need they have, and go and praise that effort. But help to figure out that need, and if they can meet it better in some other way, so it is less damaging, less energy, less expense?
When dealing with “gangs” (organizations), remember that the members there are acting like the “gang”, not like they would separately. And when approaching people, try to open them up - what are his own needs? Don’t ask what you need as much as try to understand them, how they need you to take the steps.

[Katya Kean · Rating 5 out of 5]

I definitely recommend the audiobook. I got it on Overdrive. Marshall reads it himself and has a great voice. He's subtly funny, and sometimes he sings songs in the recording!
I learned some very useful ways of looking at things. I'm hoping it will help me navigate some tricky emotional situations.
Here are my notes:

Make a clear observation.
How it makes me feel.
Express requests, not demands.
Express what deeper need it will solve of mine.
Inspire joy of giving in other person.

Empathic connection with what's alive in the other person and what would make life more wonderful for the other person.
See the beauty in the other person no matter what. Connect with their needs and feelings.

People do things to fill a need. How can the need better be met through other means?

Don't praise or compliment. Still labelling, is judgement, dehumanizing. Instead express appreciation. Intent is to celebrate life, not reward them.
What action on their part enriched our lives.
How we felt about it.
What needs of ours were met.

[Isabel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I did not read this but instead heard the audiobook read by Marshall Rosenberg himself. I would recommend starting by Rosenberg’s “non-violent communication” book first. It’s advice is not short of miraculous. After that, “Speaking Peace” is a small gem which can be read again and again to remember and apply its principles of communication.
After reading these books I realized that very simple and relatively small changes in the way I speak can make a world of difference in the results. Furthermore, I started noticing the aggressiveness in common everyday language and how it impedes communication. Changing something that took a lifetime to build, such as the way we speak, is far from easy. One must return to Rosenberg’s books again and again to remember and relive its ideas. Speaking Peace is the compact version so it allows for faster and more frequent revisions.

[Chad Schultz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nonviolent Communication has been on my top ten list of books for years, and is what I most recommend to people.

This little book is more of the same. It's less in-depth on the principles than Nonviolent Communication and has more personal stories. Unlike many gurus, I appreciate that Rosenberg is not shy about admitting where he makes mistakes and is happy to show how he learned to do better and will teach us the same.

I still feel that Nonviolent Communication is the better work, but if this smaller book is an easier way to introduce more people to the principles, go for it! Then hopefully they'll be ready for Nonviolent Communication.

[Karli Sherwinter · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was particularly inspired by the section on how we find the energy to make societal change when it takes every thing we have just to create peace within ourselves. Asking “what is alive in you” and identifying feelings, rather than judgements and observations, brings us closer to each other’s humanity. Even if we see someone as our enemy, we can identify with them once we understand their basic needs and desires. This approach takes a lot of practice as well as significant inner-work on the part of the practitioner.

[Russell D · Rating 5 out of 5]

This guide provides a very simple process for bringing out the best in ourselves and others when communicating. That’s the good news. The bad news is that it isn’t easy and will require many of us to let go of some of our perceptions and how we approach things. It begins with the goal of making sure that all parties get what they desire at the deepest level. Everything can change when we use nonviolent communication. Time and effort are needed along with an understanding that we won’t always get what we want. We will become more effective at it while lifting others up at the same time!

[Adam · Rating 5 out of 5]

I finished this and immediately restarted it to listen to it again. It helps that this audio program is quite short (2.5 hours). It does a fabulous job going through the summarized outline of non-violent communication. There are times I wish he would define and explore something’s better, but that would be more in his flagship book, Non-Violent Communication. Ultimately this is a very sharp approach to communicating vis a vis secure relationships and boundaries. It helps us see that we can’t control anyone, and in fact it is potentially more effective to accept others where they are at and who they are and simply speak to them as equals who are trying to live their best lives.

[Nicho · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love this man, I’ve listened to so many workshops and interviews he’s the foundation of my moral code and critical thinking. I think everyone would benefit to be happier by reading this book and more of his work. He’s also not the only one who says stuff like this, as he says in one of his recordings, his work is based off universal values in religious books from religions such as Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Christianity and more

[Katie Linn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook and I loved it. It was read by the author and he included songs he wrote as well. It is a short audiobook (less than 3 hours) and I think it would benefit anyone who gives it a listen. I am inspired to approach communication with my family and friends with renewed intention toward nonviolent communication.

[Jo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This may not be the most magnificent presentation I've ever heard, yet it ranks up at the top for the most foundational, concrete explanation of how to begin using Nonviolent Communication in your own life.
So grateful I read this!

[James · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book and Non-Violent Communication, have been the most personally impactful books I have read on communication. I gave it 5 stars for that reason, not because of how or how well it was written.

[Dr. Gilberto Arantes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Led me to a different journey as a father, a team leader, a husband.
For the first time I could clear communicate with myself. The book conveys a theory that needs to be transformed in practice to be really understood.

[Deborah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Much of what was written in Nonviolent Communication is repeated here, but I found it worth reviewing again. While I do not adhere to Rosenberg's "spirituality," I was able to focus on his methodology/practical application, which, when applied, "work" regardless of one's spiritual beliefs.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thoughtful explanation of learned communication norms in society and ways in which we can rethink the way we interact with others when we disagree. How can we disagree and still have everyone’s needs met?

[Magdelanye · Rating 4 out of 5]

Certainly an important contribution, this for me needs a written script.

[April · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting techniques, if you can get past the kumbaya songs.

[Kirill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very great practical guide to go over after the main book in you want to learn or to refresh nonviolent communication skills.

[Riikka · Rating 3 out of 5]

A concise and generally a good basic level introduction non-violent communication. A professional narrator would be a plus, but at least Marshall has an authentic tone narrating this himself.

[Michał Junczyk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must read! Life changing

[Camille · Rating 5 out of 5]

Marshall Rosenberg is a magical man who so much wants people to check into their divine energy and treat each other with care that he devised a whole system for it. Learn it and fix yo' self!