Abiding Light: In the Shadow of Your Absence

by Heidi L Paulec

When a loved one dies suddenly, young, or by suicide, families and friends are often left in shock-riddled grief. Shock and stigmas often isolate and stall healing. Even as grievers are yearning to connect with others. Abiding Light is a four-generation testimony-rich resource for those grieving this kind of loss and for the community who supports them. It can be read alone or in a group as it serves as a companion to foster compassionate care and conversation through deep grief. Simply through reading the personal stories within Abiding Light , empathy and sympathy -given space and time- can seed courage and deeper connect through patient conversation.

Genres: Nonfiction

240 pages, Paperback

Published August 31, 2021

Reviews

[Nicholas Trandahl · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was given copies of this book by the author, Heidi Paulec, one for my own reading and one to give away or donate. That shows the character of Heidi herself, her desire to get this text in front of the people that need it as opposed to simply making sales. Suicide is a taboo topic among many, especially among myself for personal reasons. It’s a dark subject that makes me want to cover my ears and eyes. What Heidi has done with Abiding Light is light a soft radiance to shine on that difficult subject, and especially on the grief left in its wake by suicide survivors. Heidi does this through her personal experience of healing from her cousin’s tragic suicide, and also through the lens of faith—hymns, scripture, and wisdom from the greats such as Mother Teresa and A.W. Tozer. Abiding Light is a deeply personal account of a family’s grief and healing in the wake of death, but it’s also intensely relatable and shareable. This book has the power to heal and connect. I recommend it not only to people grieving themselves but also to those that want to help those tangled in the throes of grief.

[Evelyn Holland · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Despite the hard within these pages, He Who is Hope prevails beyond them. I pray he comforts and carries you.”—Heidi L. Paulec

This book, though dealing with such a tragic topic, offers much hope and comforting to the loved ones left behind. I believe it took the author decades really to overcome her grief (does it ever really leave us?), and I commend her for sharing her story and for all those who took part of it. Really, I believe their bravery to share this story has opened doors to this dark topic and has become a ministry to help others shine the light in the darkness.

It's a tribute to remembering the bright and promising young man that her cousin was and his story, and how he became a victim of suicide; yes, I say victim, because he was at the end of his rope.… Even though he was in counseling later on, I don't think anyone who knew him saw his grievous ending on the radar.

Not a lot of books are out there that deal with the suicide of a loved one, let alone a teenager who took his own life. This book reads a little like a mystery, for you get everyone's perspective from those closest to him and learn a little more (great grandparents, grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, and siblings and close cousin who was much more like his twin, the author), and how they found hope in the darkness of their grief.

Be sure to check out her resource page too in the back of the book!

Abiding Light: In the Shadow of Your Absence

[Leann Filley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I do highly recommend this book to anyone who has been touched, from any distance, by sudden loss of young life. Haven't we all? Whether you have lost a close family member, or are holding a friend's hand while they journey through their own grief struggles, this story will touch your heart in a way that is comforting and hope-giving. The vulnerable ways that each person remembers Jamie made me laugh and cry, and stirred empathy for every one of them. From great-grandparents to his younger siblings, and everyone in between, there is a heart-perspective that one can truly feel through hearing their own words.
This difficult topic has often been shied away from, either from shame or thinking that no one could possibly understand the pain. In these pages, one will find that they are truly not alone in this journey if they are struggling. There is healing light and hope, and it doesn't mean we forget what happened. The knowledge that others have walked a similar path can encourage us to keep the faith, and "remember to remember".
Heidi has very graciously allowed us to sit with her and her family as they share the pain, sorrow, and struggles that they each faced. Yet, their lives go on. And they honor Jamie by living them, and sharing compassion through their words and actions.

[Susanne Folkers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommendable. Difficult to summarize the impressions of this precious reading journey.
Sketching and unfolding biographies of four generations is fascinating in itself, but in this case, the preeminent aspect is that it widens the range of possible personal identification enormously.  
The reader gets insights into their specific joys, expectations, frustrations, struggles and ways of mourning. Faith plays an essential role in the lives of all family members and in finding way out of the darkness again - but down-to-earth, realistically, not as an escape way or in a hurry from long painful processes.

 I appreciate this honest and rather shy witness
 (also to the involved struggles) very much; in me, this authentic attitude stirs hope in a trustworthy way. 

German and American way of life are different in many ways; but in such deep experiences of loss and searching for meaning and hope these differences disappear into the background; what is profoundly simply human unites us.

Last sentence: The book definitely is not a manual of „how to deal with survivors“ - and yet, just because of that, it is also just that in a certain sense. 

[Michelle Stratton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend. Heidi has written a book recounting the personal loss of her cousin, Jamie, to suicide and the rippling impact it had on the family at large—four generations. Their vulnerabilities, compassion, and honest reflections are a lens we all can relate to and learn so much by.

We have all been impacted by suicide. It has touched each of us either in our families, close friends, or our communities yet it is one of those things we often keep private. There are few resources for families & friends that are trying to navigate this loss which can often lead to isolation, despair, endless questions, silence within the family, loneliness, and even some sense of embarrassment.

Heidi has committed her life and prayers to write a life-giving and hope-filled resource on a profoundly painful subject. I believe she has not only done this but has also welcomed the reader to journey with her and her family as they have journeyed through what it has meant to find "Living Hope after suicide.”

[Colleen Jeziorski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Abiding Light is a good resource for individuals and friends of individuals who have suffered the loss of a loved one by suicide. In it, Heidi shares the story of her family's loss of her cousin by suicide, recounting memories of him from the perspective of four generations and how each family member was impacted by this loss but ultimately found hope in their deep seeded faith in God through it all.
The book is compelling, easy to read, and deeply honest and vulnerable regarding each family member's struggle after their loss. But hope has the final say in the lives of each family member and throughout these pages, and Heidi ultimately recognizes that, even when she couldn't sense God's presence and her days seemed dark, God was hiding her in the shadow of His wings, within His abiding light.

[Jana MacCarrie Fraley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve often asked myself, how does a family move forward after a loved one takes their own life? Loss is hard, but suicide is a devastating grief. Abiding Light is a gut wrenching but beautiful account of four generations of one family and how they journeyed through deep pain and unimaginable loss after one of their own took his own life. With heavy but heartwarming personal stories from several family members, Heidi has written a book that is not only for those who have experienced the impact of suicide, but is also a resource for anyone who desires to walk in community alongside those who have suffered this kind of loss. With the raw vulnerability that comes from losing someone she loved like a brother, Heidi has woven together a story of faith, family and fortitude in the face of incomprehensible loss.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although this book details the response of a family to the sudden death of one of their beloved, it speaks to so much more. This book is for anyone who is on a journey to know and understand God. The author beautifully describes her journey to reconcile a just and loving God with an unjust and harsh life experience. She incorporates the similar insights from many generations of a family that are both inspiring and insightful. Another treasure in the reading is the incorporation of scriptural text and the writings of poets, theologians, and philosophers which have supported and enriched the journey to know God. This read combines the best of a personal tale, a theological perspective and a therapeutic guide. Highly recommend!

[Jodie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was tearful, hopeful, in awe, and invited in to a story brimming with brutiful - and I was simply reading the endorsements!

Heidi’s book is a healing gift, a timeless resource, and a work of art. Her tender words, birthed out of her family’s deep grief, whisper songs of Hope ~ not only to those impacted by the painful reality of suicide, but to anyone searching for Abiding Light.

[Jennye Bock · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heidi brings perspectives of four generations and their journey through the unimaginable -- the death of their dear loved one, Heidi's cousin Jamie, to suicide. The collection of biographies are presented in such a personal way, providing a window into the thoughts and words of those who live on after a loss of such magnitude.

Perhaps now more than ever before, people need hope. Loved ones can know that they are not alone in the raw and very real struggles that suicide brings, and can have the assurance that hope exists during and beyond tragedy. Those messages, and more, are conveyed beautifully within these pages. I found the book to be very unique, touching, and inspiring — it is a gem, a treasure, a gift!

[Jane Hedrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heidi Paulec's personal account of her four generation family's navigation of her cousin's sudden death by suicide is an honest account of the family's journey in 1992. While at times it is gut-wrenching, there is an ever present over-shadowing theme of hope in our Lord's promise to never leave us or forsake us. It will be relatable and reassuring for anyone who has walked or is walking this road. The scripture is creatively intertwined often as a comfort along the way. Personally, I even believe this book might possibly deter someone from making this decision and provide them much needed hope at a devastating time in their life. Having been a grief facilitator for years, I fully endorse this book without any reservations.

[Desiree Bennett]

When a loved one dies by suicide there are so many different emotions by the many different loved ones. Heidi does an excellent job of capturing the voices of four generations of family members who lost a son, brother, nephew, grandson, and great grandson the day Jamie chose to take his life. Not only that, but in the darkness of grief she shows that hope and peace can be found. If you have felt this loss before, if you know people who have gone through loss before, this is an excellent book to encourage you or to encourage those around you that there can be healing, and that you are not alone.

[Lisa Appelo · Rating 5 out of 5]

How does one young man's suicide affect a family? Abiding Light pulls together the journey of grief and loss through four generations of one family reeling from suicide. With poignant and raw narrative, Heidi Paulec shares her interviews with family members trying to understand the tragedy and navigate the emotions of loss as they process grief.

Abiding Light is a moving testament to the far-reaching impact of life and death, of love and loss, of family and faith. Heidi makes this heavy topic approachable with her poetic and expressive writing style.

[Lindsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Presented from the intimate perspectives of each person who experienced the same tragedy in their own way, Abiding Light offers a 360 view of one event that can rock a whole community. Losing someone close to us pulls forth a range of emotions over time, and you are sure to find yourself identifying more than one family member, in more than one way. Paulec pulls you in for what feels like a fireside chat and will leave you feeling less isolated, more connected with the person standing next to you for realizing that they, too, feel.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a beautiful, vulnerable story of losing a loved one to suicide, told through four generations. Author Heidi Paulec weaves the perspectives of varying family members who recount the trauma, shock, and faith through their experiences. I found it fascinating to see the threads of commonality yet each story was unique.

This book is a valuable resource for anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide. Abiding Light offers hope through faith and time. Beautiful!

[Cindy Smolev goldstein · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heidi’s imagery is very inviting. I felt as if I was right there with her running through the fields and meadow of her childhood. While suicide is a very tough and touchy subject to write about, her book is an enlightening insight to what the surviving family members go through as they seek a sense of normalcy after.

[Missy S · Rating 5 out of 5]

Though my family has not dealt personally with losing someone to suicide, this book is an inspiration how trusting God can carry you through difficult times. Family and friends prove evident as they rely and support one another. Heidi is certainly gifted with writing and draws you in to her tender story. I highly recommend reading her story.

[Dorothea Clapper · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this book is one of a kind.
In this book, you will find the perspectives of several different relatives (of a boy who committed suicide) shared with the reader. For anybody grieving (and of course especially grieving the loss of someone due to suicide), reading the very honest thoughts and feelings and questions of the relatives can be a very helpful way to navigate one’s own similar thoughts, feelings, and questions. When the words aren’t there, this book might give someone the voice. If there is shame about feelings or questions one might have, there might just be someone in this book who will show you how normal and okay these feelings and questions are. And that it’s okay to express them.
What I love most about this book is how honest it is. And how relatable. I can see this serving as a very helpful resource in grief counseling or any kind of group discussion on grief. Or of course for a single reader in the midst of grief. I also deem it helpful for anybody who comes alongside people who are grieving.
This book does not give any quick or cheap answers, but it does provide hope and a beautiful way to see a little light amidst the darkness.
In addition to all that, my prayer is that this book will find its way even into just one set of hands that is contemplating suicide — and help them turn around. This book shows how much impact one person’s suicide can have on those left behind and I believe it is beyond what most people imagine.
Thank you to Heidi Paulec for writing this book and for conducting the interviews with her family members & thank you to all the family members that were willing to share so vulnerably and honestly.

[Stephanie K · Rating 5 out of 5]

No matter the strength of faith or family, a tragic and unexpected death shakes us to the core. Abiding Light shares the story of 17-year-old Jamie's suicide and it's impact on 4 generations of family. His great grandparents, grandparents, parents, siblings, aunt/uncle and cousin (the author) open their hearts and authentically, and vulnerably, walk the reader through those first days, the ongoing pain and confusion that followed, and the many memories and moments of healing that are still present today. Heidi does an incredible job of sharing Jamie's beautiful life, as well as her family's traditions and closeness. Abiding Light is an honest account of the roller coaster of grief and the lingering emotional power of the unanswered "why's." But then, through scripture, song, and testimony the reader is continually reminded of the presence of Jesus, his faithfulness, and the peace that passes all understanding. This book is a gift to the grieving heart, giving permission to mourn, question, and feel, but also to allow space to celebrate, remember and recognize the work of God.

[Sarah Frantz · Rating 5 out of 5]

A trusted friend gave me this book and accompanying candle as a gift after the loss of a dear family member. I tentatively began reading it in small bits as I was able. Sometimes in silence, sometimes in tears.

Over the last six months I have slowly read Heidi Paulec's honest, heartfelt words. Through various family members viewpoints she slowly discloses her own family's loss of her beloved cousin.

"Carrying grief is often a heavy work, a sharing work, a work my human pride would prefer be perfected behind closed doors. But as we hear cries, enter the prayers, and raise a banner of hope, we encourage and endure a faith building together. We find ourselves in the shadow of the Almighty. In his shadow, I am compelled to remember death. Why? Death reminds me to live beyond the dark night. His radiance casts shadows on the less relevant habits of our before days, and he awakens fresh delights even in the after days." ~Heidi Paulec, Abiding Light

The hope extended in Heidi's faith and words encourages an embrace of the reality of the pain and very real loss while also taking a deep breath and exhaling a prayer for help to the One who knows, sees and understands.

[Barb Winters · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heidi's writing is poetic, like this sentence on page 19: But his demise left me soloing in the darkness, left me fumbling and fragile.

The layout of this book is unique and special. The middle is filled with first person accounts, recalling family members' thoughts, feelings, and responses to the suicide of a seventeen year old. It was moving and brought me to tears on several occasions.

But we aren't left feeling empty. Heidi gives us hope and a sense of purpose.

I feel more connected to the author and those who have suffered such a tragic loss.

[Dr. Eric · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Scriptures teach that every death – no matter how it occurs – is the “last enemy of man” (cf., 1 Corinthians 15:26). Death is an enemy that always produces deep, personal grief among those who lose a loved-one, and for those who grieve, Heidi Paulec understands this and communicates her empathy with effectiveness and sensitivity in her book, Abiding Light, In the Shadow of Your Absence. Almost two years ago, the lamp of my earthly life was suddenly extinguished when my dear wife of 54+ years succumbed to COVID-19, a devastating experience for me. No two people were ever as close as she and I.

Heidi’s parents, Tim and Karen Plinsky, whom I had known since the early 1970s, gave me a copy of Heidi’s book, but I couldn’t bring myself to read it until 15 months later. In the pages of Abiding Light, I discovered Heidi’s own concern, care, and compassion for her cousin, Jamie, her insight about the grief-process, and her perception about how grief affects and touches our lives so dramatically when we lose someone we deeply love. Abiding Light enabled me to grapple with my own feelings about my wife’s death, and together with its basis in the Scriptures, it added much insight to my questions and misunderstandings about my loss.

Whether you have already suffered the loss of a loved one or not, please allow me to recommend to you, Heidi’s book, Abiding Light. In a dark and difficult world so infiltrated by our last enemy, you will find a genuine reflection of God’s light, His true heart of love, and the real comfort that only our heavenly Father’s arms can provide for His grieving children.

-- Eric C. Stricker, Ed.D.

[Jim Naramore · Rating 5 out of 5]

A college friend recommended I read his daughter Heidi's book "Abiding Light"—I ordered it. My college friend Tim mentioned in his email "Our daughter Heidi has published a book which will shed some insight into a journey that our family has been on for over 30 years." This book was interesting to me because it magnified the life of my friend Tim, a friend I had known since college; I am familiar somewhat with Southeastern Wyoming since I have had some close friends who have lived in Pine Bluffs and Albin.
What I didn't know was all that Tim and Karen have been through since college and it caused me to reflect on my other college acquaintances and the probable struggles they may have faced and about which I'm unaware.
I don't know Heidi, but her picture at the back of the book shows the countenance of her parents who I knew in college—what a treasure.
This book is the post-mortem account of a family traumatized by the suicide of one of the precious members of their family, C. Jamie Plinsky—August 26, 1974 to January 18, 1992. It took time for Heidi to compose this account as she systematically went through this tight-knit family's players (grandparents, parents, siblings, aunt and uncle, and cousin Heidi who was more like a sister to him). Heidi no doubt had to ponder many imponderables and soldier on through emotionally wrenching thoughts to be able to pen this account.
Writing this book no doubt was a healing experience for Heidi and for her family as they more intimately were connected with one another through the stories in the pages.
The book is valuable as a resource for other families who have experienced the horror of a suicide. I have already given it to an acquaintance who lost a son years ago to suicide. She seemed relieved to get this book to affirm many of her thoughts and concerns.
Jamie's sister Holly exuded her wisdom and the silver lining beneath this dark cloud with her statement "I only have one chance at this thing called life. I make the best of it I can in the Lord's strength." Her life from the book showed that she did exactly that.
Uncle Tim's account's pathos and insights were reflected in the lyrics of the hymn "All the way my Savior leads me" but all of this was balanced with levity as he recalled "mooing" at Jamie as he walked away in the Kansas City airport 1991.
Heidi's last chapter revealed her source of strength throughout this debacle "Shadow of Absence…Shelter of the Almighty" and "Remembering to Remember". She is obedient to Psalm 134:1-3—the key to her perseverance and hope through these years.
Indeed, this has been a difficult 32 years for this remarkable family, but they reflect the grit of their faith.

Jim Naramore, 3/5/2023

[Wayne Harris · Rating 5 out of 5]

The greatest book I've ever read on this topic.
I highly recommend.
The author gracefully portrays multiple perspectives to the harsh reality of grieving sudden death - particularly one to suicide, while leading collectively to deep hope.

This book is for those who have experienced a loss and also for those who care about them. This book is amazing.

Thank you, Heidi for writing it, and the amount of your time you put into it.

[Katy Lovejoy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Suicide is a sad thing for everyone involved