this is how not to write a fan/celeb romance
content/trigger warnings; death of parents recounted, drug abuse, toxic relationship recounted, homophobia, stalking, ableism, racism, anti-wiccan prejudice, panphobia, mspecphobia, nightmares, kissing, revenge porn, internet harassment, explicit sexual content,
rep; rasul (mc) is pansexual and brazilian/syrian. jacob (mc) is gay. queer side characters and side characters of color.
this romance does not work for me because the fan/celeb-hero dynamic was never fully dismantled enough in my eyes to create a healthy, equal partnership.
jacob wasn’t just a casual fan or even super fan of rasul. he worshipped the dude. he credited rasul with getting him through his parents’ death. he called him his north star. his friends said he carried rasul’s books around like they were his bible. rasul and his books were jacob’s reason for living. and that is not an exaggeration.
jacob’s friends go as far as claiming jacob was in love with rasul before/when they met. but you can’t be in love with someone you don’t know. and especially when it’s a celebrity, you’re “in love” with the idea of them or the fantasy of them you create in your head. loving rasul’s books, idolizing rasul, even being attracted to rasul, does not equate to being in love with him. whatever “feelings” jacob had for rasul before they met and formed a relationship was parasocial on a fan/celeb level. it’s gross and harmful to pass that off as true romantic love.
and what makes it worse is that jacob’s idolization of rasul stems from grief that he never truly dealt with, even by the end of the book, and that is not the basis of a relationship. the way jacob’s friends describe him as barely living and being a shell of himself and dressing like his father and completely changing who he was after his parents’ death, and rasul’s books being the thing that he clung to keep from drowning, is so unhealthy. and jacob is constantly fearing that a relationship with rasul will make that unhealthy dependency go away and he’ll fall under again.
instead of having jacob work on that, having him deal with his grief and the loss of who he was, in order to have a real connection and relationship with rasul, he just clings even harder to it. and rasul creates his own unhealthy obsession regarding jacob. he turns jacob into his muse, his reason to write, and he becomes so fixated on writing another book that could mean as much to jacob as his first two did. he goes as far as writing them into his book and both of them recreate aspects of the book in their lives.
they don’t see each other as human beings, they see each other on pedestals of “hero” and “muse”. and it’s not romantic. it’s incredibly unhealthy and obsessive.
other issues/annoyances; fiction within fiction is always a hard no from me. they say they’re in love with each other way too quickly and without any kind of on page development to back it up. rasul’s agent and jacob’s friends are annoying and overbearing. rasul’s main character being bisexual is mentioned more than rasul’s own pansexuality and it’s sad that that does not surprise me. some standard made up reason to angst that didn’t need to exist. some “cats are cold and unfriendly” narratives.
a heavy focus on sex being inherently integral to romance. the flirting between the characters was described multiple times as an “assault” and “attack” which is very weird and unromantic to me. rasul thinks his agent running his social medias is “highly, highly intimate” and i don’t get that. use of “straight sex” when the act of sex doesn’t actually have a sexuality or warrant a sexuality label. rasul says jacob’s bookstore “smells like literature” and i don’t know what that means.
when rasul points out the bi and pan exclusion of jacob’s little queer group only having “gay” in its title, jacob says they don’t have many bi men, completely erasing pansexuality from the conversation. of all the queer characters in this book, rasul is the only one who’s mspec. jacob calls rasul when he has a nightmare and rasul comes over and they almost have sex, which is A Choice, i don’t know why initiating sex, especially for the first time, so often in books happens when one character is very emotionally fragile or vulnerable.
rasul’s book is ya, but he writes explicit sex for it. (jacob says the sex is “essential to believe the ending will be happy” which is fucked up.) rasul justifies not making the characters college age by saying he wanted to keep the “not quite hatched but biologically and mentally a functional adult” aspect (which is a fucking weird way to describe minors, and could more accurately describe college age people, but whatever.) and that the book isn’t really ya, but a book about teens for adults. and i fucking loathe people writing/marketing ya and then saying it isn’t for teens. (ya books can have sex, there’s just no need for it to be the same kind of sex that’s in adult books.)
pan quotes: “He was a biracial, pansexual man with a huge personality and wild reputation.” / “high school, where he’d kept a tight lid on his orientation and only dated girls because coming out as bi or pan felt far too dangerous.” / “’Are you sure?’ was a common refrain. ‘But you’re dating a guy,’ someone would point out, insisting that meant he was gay. ‘But you’re dating a girl’ would come another time, and now his pansexuality—they’d called it gayness—had been a phase. His whole life, people had lined up to explain his orientation to him as if he weren’t personally living it.”