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The Space Between Us: Conversations about Transforming Conflict
Engage conflict to strengthen connections and build understanding.
Conflict is inevitable. But rather than approaching conflicts as threats or problems to be solved, what if we could see our disagreements as opportunities for personal growth? Could our differences push us toward developing healthier relationships and communities? In The Space Between Us, facilitator and mediator Betty Pries gently guides readers toward seeing discord as an opportunity for positive change and a way to build resilience. Rooted in the conviction that conflict can strengthen our relationships and deepen our self-knowledge, Pries offers practical skills for engaging conflict and casts a vision for a more joy-filled future.
To get here, Pries plumbs the depth of both conflict theory and contemplative spirituality, proposing a vision for engaging conflict in new and life-giving ways. Rooted in Christian practices of mindfulness, connecting with our most authentic selves, and deep listening to uncover new possibilities, this book offers new ways forward in the face of interpersonal and organizational conflicts.
Conflict is inevitable. But rather than approaching conflicts as threats or problems to be solved, what if we could see our disagreements as opportunities for personal growth? Could our differences push us toward developing healthier relationships and communities? In The Space Between Us, facilitator and mediator Betty Pries gently guides readers toward seeing discord as an opportunity for positive change and a way to build resilience. Rooted in the conviction that conflict can strengthen our relationships and deepen our self-knowledge, Pries offers practical skills for engaging conflict and casts a vision for a more joy-filled future.
To get here, Pries plumbs the depth of both conflict theory and contemplative spirituality, proposing a vision for engaging conflict in new and life-giving ways. Rooted in Christian practices of mindfulness, connecting with our most authentic selves, and deep listening to uncover new possibilities, this book offers new ways forward in the face of interpersonal and organizational conflicts.
- GenresNonfictionLeadership
216 pages, Paperback
First published August 17, 2021
16 people are currently reading
104 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
January 31, 2024
There is so much wisdom in this little book. I know that I will be returning to it throughout my life. At this point in my journey, Betty Pries’ insights into the inner work of compassion and its vital role in our conflicts was especially profound. She helped me connect the inner work of compassion towards self with our external conflict with others.
Pries uses Jonathan Haidt’s memorable image of emotions as an elephant and the mind as the rider, reminding us that our brain may think we are in control but the truth is that our emotions are far more powerful and unwieldy (38). This is where the practice of attending to our inner self is so vital: “we cannot attend to that which we do not recognize” (40). Therefore, Pries recommends practicing what good therapists are often gifted at coaching us in: “speak tenderly to our emotion” and “engage it with curiosity” (40). Yet for many of us, loving ourselves in this a comprehensive way is a great challenge. As Pries writes, “our attachments become well-developed patterns, so woven into our way of being that we hardly recognize the false center they have become for us” (85). Our work, then, is to grow in our belovedness in Christ, “to learn slowly and over times o regard ourselves as beloved” (94).
The effect of this on our interactions with others is profound. Pries states it simply: “these two impulses—to know we are beloved and to see the other beloved—are deeply intertwined” (94). Our growth in compassion for ourselves should lead to our growth in compassion for others (an expansion of what it means to ‘Christ-like’). I was especially struck by her phrase, “When we meet people who are very judgmental, it is likely that they have spent a significant portion of their life journey being judgmental of themselves“ (204) and the new insight it gave me into family dynamics. Pries’s question, “do you love the people you are leading?” (143) might be rephrased as, “do you see yourself and those who lead—and are in conflict with—as beloved?”
Pries uses Jonathan Haidt’s memorable image of emotions as an elephant and the mind as the rider, reminding us that our brain may think we are in control but the truth is that our emotions are far more powerful and unwieldy (38). This is where the practice of attending to our inner self is so vital: “we cannot attend to that which we do not recognize” (40). Therefore, Pries recommends practicing what good therapists are often gifted at coaching us in: “speak tenderly to our emotion” and “engage it with curiosity” (40). Yet for many of us, loving ourselves in this a comprehensive way is a great challenge. As Pries writes, “our attachments become well-developed patterns, so woven into our way of being that we hardly recognize the false center they have become for us” (85). Our work, then, is to grow in our belovedness in Christ, “to learn slowly and over times o regard ourselves as beloved” (94).
The effect of this on our interactions with others is profound. Pries states it simply: “these two impulses—to know we are beloved and to see the other beloved—are deeply intertwined” (94). Our growth in compassion for ourselves should lead to our growth in compassion for others (an expansion of what it means to ‘Christ-like’). I was especially struck by her phrase, “When we meet people who are very judgmental, it is likely that they have spent a significant portion of their life journey being judgmental of themselves“ (204) and the new insight it gave me into family dynamics. Pries’s question, “do you love the people you are leading?” (143) might be rephrased as, “do you see yourself and those who lead—and are in conflict with—as beloved?”
February 2, 2022
A Remarkable Transformative Masterpiece
I originally began reading ‘The Space Between Us’ with the perspective of seeing it being a book on reconciliation between social relationships. Ironically though, I also was reading it from my hospital bed, trying to reconcile a traumatic injury caused to my body last June. It dramatically reframed the way I saw Betty Pries perspectives.
Contemplating on the defined self, defended self, & deeper self within the desire for holistic healing, opened a door for God‘s Spirit to reveal a path to my own healing from a life altering event. I not only felt the comfort of recognizing the deep-seated needs of what it means for me to still be human despite new debilitating challenges, but I also recognized the ego driven defended natures of my character that needed to be challenged to truly transform into the deeper person God really sees me as. Of course, I must also give credit to the amazing community around me that spoke to me during the time of reading Pries’s book.
Probably needless to say, ‘The Space Between Us’ most definitely connected with many of my experiences in social reconciliation both personally and vocationally. But I must really highlight that Betty Pries touched a piece of my soul in this transformational masterpiece that I will eternally be grateful for & healed because of her writing. Thank you, Betty!!
I originally began reading ‘The Space Between Us’ with the perspective of seeing it being a book on reconciliation between social relationships. Ironically though, I also was reading it from my hospital bed, trying to reconcile a traumatic injury caused to my body last June. It dramatically reframed the way I saw Betty Pries perspectives.
Contemplating on the defined self, defended self, & deeper self within the desire for holistic healing, opened a door for God‘s Spirit to reveal a path to my own healing from a life altering event. I not only felt the comfort of recognizing the deep-seated needs of what it means for me to still be human despite new debilitating challenges, but I also recognized the ego driven defended natures of my character that needed to be challenged to truly transform into the deeper person God really sees me as. Of course, I must also give credit to the amazing community around me that spoke to me during the time of reading Pries’s book.
Probably needless to say, ‘The Space Between Us’ most definitely connected with many of my experiences in social reconciliation both personally and vocationally. But I must really highlight that Betty Pries touched a piece of my soul in this transformational masterpiece that I will eternally be grateful for & healed because of her writing. Thank you, Betty!!
December 12, 2021
The world is a rather tense place. From the way we talk about politics to the way we treat service workers, there seems to have been an influx of conflict—and not just disagreements but disagreements handled poorly. In The Space Between Us, Betty Pries uses her experience as a workplace mediator to teach readers how to transform conflict into positive change and resilience.
Pries begins with a careful definition of terms and a categorical belief that conflict can be good. She writes about how fear of conflict can create a false sense of peace and harmony that keeps individuals from being their true selves. While she has the workplace in mind, and many of her relevant examples stem from that environment, the lessons learned can be applied in any context to any social interaction.
From here, The Space Between Us turns to an individual’s foundational needs (and their violation) as a source of conflict. Every individual desires belonging, recognition, self-determination, security, and meaning. Conflict comes from one of those needs not being met (or perceived to have been met) in some way. Pries also categorizes levels of conflict:
1. Disagreement – The problem is the problem and the goal is to solve the problem.
2a. Us/Them Division – The person is the problem and the goal is to change their mind.
2b. Triangulation – The goal is to be affirmed for one’s perspective of the other as the problem.
2c. The Tipping Point – The goal becomes self-preservation.
3. Entrenchment – The goal is now to destroy the other.
Notice how the problem disappeared from the conflict in 2a. The problem remains, but no work is done in solving it because the conflict has become focused on the other person.
In the middle part of the book, The Space Between Us teaches readers how to develop strategies and best practices for conflict resolution and management. Some of the selected examples seem geared specifically to be contentious, challenging the reader to put into practices the things they are working toward. Along the way, Pries shows that her techniques apply to everything from small disagreements to major political differences.
As the book closes, Pries ties together conflict resolution—or conflict transformation—with spiritual practices, focusing on prayer and meditation as a means of mitigating conflict. I appreciated the way the spiritual element was included as a method of enhancing the technique and bringing a certain wholeness to it, without being essential to it. Essential may not be the right word, and I want to be careful to explain correctly. The point is that many books on conflict from Christians are almost fully geared to the spiritual element with an implicit (or explicit!) assumption that conflict management can only happen under Christian faith. The Space Between Us offers techniques and practices that are biblical, but not necessary spiritual. You could just as easily apply this to a non-Christian worldview as a Christian one, which is important for the context of a secular workplace.
This is a must-read for anyone who manages, works with, or knows other people. So…everyone. Pries explains the roots of conflict, teaches us how to disagree, and gives us a paradigm for turning disagreement into positive change.
Pries begins with a careful definition of terms and a categorical belief that conflict can be good. She writes about how fear of conflict can create a false sense of peace and harmony that keeps individuals from being their true selves. While she has the workplace in mind, and many of her relevant examples stem from that environment, the lessons learned can be applied in any context to any social interaction.
From here, The Space Between Us turns to an individual’s foundational needs (and their violation) as a source of conflict. Every individual desires belonging, recognition, self-determination, security, and meaning. Conflict comes from one of those needs not being met (or perceived to have been met) in some way. Pries also categorizes levels of conflict:
1. Disagreement – The problem is the problem and the goal is to solve the problem.
2a. Us/Them Division – The person is the problem and the goal is to change their mind.
2b. Triangulation – The goal is to be affirmed for one’s perspective of the other as the problem.
2c. The Tipping Point – The goal becomes self-preservation.
3. Entrenchment – The goal is now to destroy the other.
Notice how the problem disappeared from the conflict in 2a. The problem remains, but no work is done in solving it because the conflict has become focused on the other person.
In the middle part of the book, The Space Between Us teaches readers how to develop strategies and best practices for conflict resolution and management. Some of the selected examples seem geared specifically to be contentious, challenging the reader to put into practices the things they are working toward. Along the way, Pries shows that her techniques apply to everything from small disagreements to major political differences.
As the book closes, Pries ties together conflict resolution—or conflict transformation—with spiritual practices, focusing on prayer and meditation as a means of mitigating conflict. I appreciated the way the spiritual element was included as a method of enhancing the technique and bringing a certain wholeness to it, without being essential to it. Essential may not be the right word, and I want to be careful to explain correctly. The point is that many books on conflict from Christians are almost fully geared to the spiritual element with an implicit (or explicit!) assumption that conflict management can only happen under Christian faith. The Space Between Us offers techniques and practices that are biblical, but not necessary spiritual. You could just as easily apply this to a non-Christian worldview as a Christian one, which is important for the context of a secular workplace.
This is a must-read for anyone who manages, works with, or knows other people. So…everyone. Pries explains the roots of conflict, teaches us how to disagree, and gives us a paradigm for turning disagreement into positive change.
July 28, 2023
I have to admit that I love this book. I don't say that very often, but this is an excellent book on how to deal with conflict, from a mediator with a contemplative bent. So, I know, given my reading list, probably not surprising that I'm so enthusiastic about this book.
What I love about this book is that it isn't just a list of types and typologies, as so many of these books so often are and which can come off as how to manipulate everyone into a peace, which isn't especially peaceful. What Pries offers is an approach which looks at disagreements and conflicts as a chance to reflect on the kinds of relationships and commitments we take on and how we can learn from the conflicts which can so easily breakout even among those approaching each other in good will. She considers conflict theory, but infuses mindfulness and contemplative spirituality to help us monitor the inner landscape of us in conflict. It offers a truly human-sized way of approach conflict.
The tone of the book is both reflective and hopeful in a way that one doesn't find all the time. Pries is compassionate, even with the most difficult conflict, and really lives out the hope that conflict can lead to greater insights into ourselves and our relationships. I love that vision and I'm sure I'll be re-reading this book in the near future.
What I love about this book is that it isn't just a list of types and typologies, as so many of these books so often are and which can come off as how to manipulate everyone into a peace, which isn't especially peaceful. What Pries offers is an approach which looks at disagreements and conflicts as a chance to reflect on the kinds of relationships and commitments we take on and how we can learn from the conflicts which can so easily breakout even among those approaching each other in good will. She considers conflict theory, but infuses mindfulness and contemplative spirituality to help us monitor the inner landscape of us in conflict. It offers a truly human-sized way of approach conflict.
The tone of the book is both reflective and hopeful in a way that one doesn't find all the time. Pries is compassionate, even with the most difficult conflict, and really lives out the hope that conflict can lead to greater insights into ourselves and our relationships. I love that vision and I'm sure I'll be re-reading this book in the near future.
December 12, 2021
The world is a rather tense place. From the way we talk about politics to the way we treat service workers, there seems to have been an influx of conflict—and not just disagreements but disagreements handled poorly. In The Space Between Us, Betty Pries uses her experience as a workplace mediator to teach readers how to transform conflict into positive change and resilience.
Pries begins with a careful definition of terms and a categorical belief that conflict can be good. She writes about how fear of conflict can create a false sense of peace and harmony that keeps individuals from being their true selves. While she has the workplace in mind, and many of her relevant examples stem from that environment, the lessons learned can be applied in any context to any social interaction.
From here, The Space Between Us turns to an individual’s foundational needs (and their violation) as a source of conflict. Every individual desires belonging, recognition, self-determination, security, and meaning. Conflict comes from one of those needs not being met (or perceived to have been met) in some way. Pries also categorizes levels of conflict:
1. Disagreement – The problem is the problem and the goal is to solve the problem.
2a. Us/Them Division – The person is the problem and the goal is to change their mind.
2b. Triangulation – The goal is to be affirmed for one’s perspective of the other as the problem.
2c. The Tipping Point – The goal becomes self-preservation.
3. Entrenchment – The goal is now to destroy the other.
Notice how the problem disappeared from the conflict in 2a. The problem remains, but no work is done in solving it because the conflict has become focused on the other person.
In the middle part of the book, The Space Between Us teaches readers how to develop strategies and best practices for conflict resolution and management. Some of the selected examples seem geared specifically to be contentious, challenging the reader to put into practices the things they are working toward. Along the way, Pries shows that her techniques apply to everything from small disagreements to major political differences.
As the book closes, Pries ties together conflict resolution—or conflict transformation—with spiritual practices, focusing on prayer and meditation as a means of mitigating conflict. I appreciated the way the spiritual element was included as a method of enhancing the technique and bringing a certain wholeness to it, without being essential to it. Essential may not be the right word, and I want to be careful to explain correctly. The point is that many books on conflict from Christians are almost fully geared to the spiritual element with an implicit (or explicit!) assumption that conflict management can only happen under Christian faith. The Space Between Us offers techniques and practices that are biblical, but not necessary spiritual. You could just as easily apply this to a non-Christian worldview as a Christian one, which is important for the context of a secular workplace.
This is a must-read for anyone who manages, works with, or knows other people. So…everyone. Pries explains the roots of conflict, teaches us how to disagree, and gives us a paradigm for turning disagreement into positive change.
Pries begins with a careful definition of terms and a categorical belief that conflict can be good. She writes about how fear of conflict can create a false sense of peace and harmony that keeps individuals from being their true selves. While she has the workplace in mind, and many of her relevant examples stem from that environment, the lessons learned can be applied in any context to any social interaction.
From here, The Space Between Us turns to an individual’s foundational needs (and their violation) as a source of conflict. Every individual desires belonging, recognition, self-determination, security, and meaning. Conflict comes from one of those needs not being met (or perceived to have been met) in some way. Pries also categorizes levels of conflict:
1. Disagreement – The problem is the problem and the goal is to solve the problem.
2a. Us/Them Division – The person is the problem and the goal is to change their mind.
2b. Triangulation – The goal is to be affirmed for one’s perspective of the other as the problem.
2c. The Tipping Point – The goal becomes self-preservation.
3. Entrenchment – The goal is now to destroy the other.
Notice how the problem disappeared from the conflict in 2a. The problem remains, but no work is done in solving it because the conflict has become focused on the other person.
In the middle part of the book, The Space Between Us teaches readers how to develop strategies and best practices for conflict resolution and management. Some of the selected examples seem geared specifically to be contentious, challenging the reader to put into practices the things they are working toward. Along the way, Pries shows that her techniques apply to everything from small disagreements to major political differences.
As the book closes, Pries ties together conflict resolution—or conflict transformation—with spiritual practices, focusing on prayer and meditation as a means of mitigating conflict. I appreciated the way the spiritual element was included as a method of enhancing the technique and bringing a certain wholeness to it, without being essential to it. Essential may not be the right word, and I want to be careful to explain correctly. The point is that many books on conflict from Christians are almost fully geared to the spiritual element with an implicit (or explicit!) assumption that conflict management can only happen under Christian faith. The Space Between Us offers techniques and practices that are biblical, but not necessary spiritual. You could just as easily apply this to a non-Christian worldview as a Christian one, which is important for the context of a secular workplace.
This is a must-read for anyone who manages, works with, or knows other people. So…everyone. Pries explains the roots of conflict, teaches us how to disagree, and gives us a paradigm for turning disagreement into positive change.
December 23, 2021
Excellent advice on conflict, but very ambiguous theology.
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews