Boundaries are the ways we communicate our needs. They are what allow us to feel safe among strangers, in everyday interactions, and in our closest relationships. When we have healthy boundaries, we have a strong foundation in an uncertain world. And when someone crosses your boundaries, or you cross someone else's, the result range from unsettling to catastrophic. In this book, bestselling author Dr. Faith Harper offers a full understanding of issues of boundaries and consent, how we can communicate and listen more effectively, and how to survive and move on from situations where our boundaries are violated.
Faith G. Harper, PhD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN is a bad-ass, funny lady with a PhD. She’s a licensed professional counselor, board supervisor, certified sexologist, and applied clinical nutritionist with a private practice and consulting business in San Antonio, TX. She has been an adjunct professor and a TEDx presenter, and proudly identifies as a woman of color and uppity intersectional feminist. She is the author of the book Unf*ck Your Brain and many other popular zines and books on subjects such as anxiety, depression, and grief. She is available as a public speaker and for corporate and clinical trainings.
I listened to this book on audible and it was like talking to your personal therapist. I have struggled with boundaries for a while now and this book summed up my struggles quite eloquently. I learned to listen to my gut more actively and it helped me detect early that a boundary violation occurred. This helped me to stop responding to situations based on social expectations and more in line with what my body was telling me to do. The book also had many practice exercises on how to actually communicate our boundaries to others calmly like telling NO to something is perfectly acceptable but telling them what you really want opens up better understanding between the participants. The book also had many good tools on communicating through conflict. It recommend we use BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, firm) technique in communication with such people and avoid 3As (advice, admonishment, apology). I have personally said sorry in situations like these just to end the discussion and found it backfired as now the instigator had more cause to blame me and this chapter was an eye opener on what I was doing wrong in such difficult situations. Anyone struggling to communicate or maintain their boundaries should really read it better yet listen to this book.
Suggested by my therapist so I already knew it was going to be good, but a fun and funny crash course in the science (yes, science) behind and implementation of boundary setting. Boundaries are not some myth made up to piss people off, they're a way to uphold and protect the integrity, trust and vulnerability in important relationships. This should be required reading for every human being because the importance of setting boundaries for yourself, and respecting the boundaries of other people can not be over stated.
Simple; easy and fast to read; filled with swear words, colloquialisms and hashtags. This book goes through things very quickly and offers highlights from other more complete works (self-compassion by neff, etc).
Some of the ideas in here are so important. If everyone read this and made an effort to live by the advice in it (especially the last chapter about you violating boundaries and what you can do about it), how different would the world be?
I’m not a self-help or therapeutic book reader. Theory? Politics? History? Sex? Sure. How to unf*ck yourself... less so. But I backed the Kickstarter because zines are cool, and the book was so small and friendly-looking.
I don’t think I have fallen for a book so deeply and so quickly before. I was recommending it to my doctor and buying it for my library by the time I was done.
It is written in easy to read, up-beat prose, but don’t let that fool you. Harper is asking for us to do some serious work. Some of it is easy, a lot of it is difficult, but but I had a surprising number of “a-ha” moments for a book that clicks in at under 200 pages.
Why I read it: A youtuber I follow made a video praising it.
What I liked about it: That it divided boundaries and their violations into 7 categories (physical, property, sexual, emotional-relational, intellectual, spiritual, time). I think this is a good way to better understand some interactions and why they upset us – as violations of some distinct boundary types. It expanded my definition of boundary violations to include things like not cleaning up one’s own mess or assuming the thoughts and feelings of others. I think I do that to people quite often.
What I disliked: That a lot of the information in the book was something I already come across before.
I liked the casual sense of this book, almost like you were sitting down with a friend and having a deep conversation. I definitely feel like this kind of topic should be talked about more during school years. So when you are going into adolescence, you have more of an understanding of setting your own boundaries and respecting others. I probably read this way too quickly to really let it all soak in but this was a very informative read : )
I’m in my 40’s and to be honest, I’ve been working on setting boundaries my entire life. I’m aware I have very likely missed boundaries of others and found this book to be a great road map to why and how I can be better in communicating my own boundaries caries and respecting others. I highly recommend this book and the discussions that can develop from it in both professional and personal settings. I also love that this book was riddled with numerous cuss words, making it humorous and super relatable for me!
Planning to bring this lil book to therapy next week because WOW this was great and I have a lot to talk about. Not a self-help tone, instead, it reads like a friend getting real with you. This seriously helped me think through some of my boundary issues, and I plan to use it as a reference for myself moving forward.
Quick read, found the forced sassiness a bit annoying but was still good overall. It’s called ‘unf*ck your boundaries’ but it does tackle much more and some of the best advise in it is on communication and conflict resolution.
Well researched, brief introduction to boundary work. A great tool for overviews and understanding the concept. Some good practices, but I would only recommend as understanding basic concepts, not as a workbook. The millennial-ese language was a little annoying.
This was a really helpful primer in recognizing patterns and identifying concrete solutions in the world of boundaries. I felt it helped me understand areas of interpersonal conflict I have struggled with for some time. It's a good companion for therapy or other reading.
Firstly, I liked the section talking about the different categories of boundaries. That was super helpful to lay out and examine for myself. Secondly, I liked the reminder that “no” is a solid answer and I don’t need further justification.
Other than that I have nothing positive to say. This book is a try-hard to be funny, “cool-girl,” and relatable—it comes across as cringey. I get it, there’s cuss words in the title, but why are there curse words literally every other sentence?! They don’t even fit!
I mostly picked this up because I wanted to better understand the art of boundary setting from a perspective that wasn’t my own. I wanted to learn how to better respect others boundaries. I am a good boundary setter, and outside the special category of people who have genuine reasons to struggle with this….WTF? This book made me realize that this generation can truly do NOTHING. Not to be a boomer, but seriously, y’all can’t communicate and then we end up with embarrassing think pieces like this book that attempt to disguise itself as groundbreaking or deep. We learn many of these concepts as children. Get a grip.
This book tries too hard to be fun, cute, and enjoyable despite addressing hard topics. Chances are that whoever picks it up is willing to go through the trouble, though.
It does not contain life-altering or groundbreaking insights, but it's a decent, informative summary of the matter at hand. Probably best suited for readers with no previous knowledge of the topic who think hashtags are still a thing.
Short, but useful introduction to boundaries (different categories of boundaries, ways that those boundaries are violated, and some ways to get better at understanding and talking about boundaries). Kinda felt like there wasn't enough material here, but what is here is helpful for me to think about.
Free on Audible Plus, and full of useful content and examples. All the swearing was wildly unnecessary though - it really came off as though the author was trying to be cool by using 'naughty words'. I'd have no hesitation recommending a less-sweary version to friends, esp other women, but the way in which this was written is a bit tired and embarrassing.
“I don’t write shallow, fluffy, feel-good books where emotional wellness work is over-simplified by burying it with mantras about how the laws of attraction will create instant happiness and success (not to mention perfect boundaries).”
This is the second boundary-related book that I was suggested to read recently, the first being Patrick King’s The Art of Everyday Assertiveness, which I found to be excellent. After then moving on to this book, man I am feeling that I really have a handle on why a lot of my relationships are pretty screwed up - and I preferred this book to King’s, although they both have really different and unique perspectives to offer that were both equally helpful. The most important thing to mention is that I am not the type of person that believes in any spiritual woo-woo, and these two books really knocked it out of the park with concrete, direct, and science/psychology-based approaches to the subject matter.
UnF **k Your Boundaries is an informative, illustrated guide to the whys and wherefores of where our boundaries have gone terribly wrong, what kind of people in our lives are most likely to take advantage of them, and how to reclaim them. It is also a guide to exploring your own boundary-breaking habits, and examining the best self-reflective patters and exercises we need to fight back. The book reminds us how people of a certain high-conflict, low-boundary nature will take advantage of the low/porous boundary person and use it to coopt their kindness and malleability, and I found this to be the most illuminating part of the book to me. I found that it was generally my fault for having such porous boundaries, and also putting trust into people who have personality types that fall into the high-conflict, coercive control identity. I am a good person that people can use to meet their own needs, and in the past, I have had difficulty identifying when these things were happening until it was much, much too late.
I enjoyed this book a lot and I feel like it has given me strategies to take back my life. I have made a lot of mistakes, and it's really awful that I had such difficulty not only communicating my wants and needs, but doing it clearly and consistently. When there have been boundary violations – and there have been a lot that have affected my entire life – people have just walked all over me like they were allowed to, and it is not only their fault for being garbage, but mine for allowing it and avoiding conflict. This book outlines how that was done, how to take my life back, and how to move forward with compassion and empathy.
It also discusses the ways I may have disrupted other people’s boundaries in the past, and when to atone for them if it is necessary to. Sometimes it isn’t okay to atone for them, either because it is too far gone or it ends up actually being (or perceived as) just an exercise in making oneself feel better and it will make them feel worse. Regardless, assuming you are not an abusive person and have a lot of additional work to do, this book also helps you fix past boundary errors you have made.
“...we all have so much capacity for healing. And healthy relationships. And we deserve safe passage in society... problems that have existed for generations don’t get fixed with platitudes, they get fixed when we do the difficult work of figuring out what we truly want in life, the kinds of relationships we want and don’t want, and how we best communicate these desires to those around us while holding space for them to communicate their desires to us.”
This was a really great book. A fast read, without any fluff and a lot of concrete suggestions on how to take back your life. It is short, succinct, to the point, and has a voice that is a lot of fun. Definitely worth picking up, as it is clear we all have a lot of work to do in this department.
Unf*ck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs by Faith G. Harper PhD LPC-S ACS ACN 192 pages, 2 hours and 48 minutes narrated by Erin Bennett
Genre: Self-Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships, Personal Development, Communication, Audiobook, Health, Communication & Social Skills, Conflict Resolution, Personal Success, Social Sciences, Stress Management
Featuring: Boundaries, Trauma Responses, Backdrafts, Emotional and Mental Disorders of Others, Saying No, Coping For Now, Escaping Abuse, A Lot-ot-ot of Profanity, Questions
Rating as a movie: R - for adult situations and content including violence and sexual content.
My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Quotes: " 1) What we mean to say. You know, the actual idea you are trying to express. 2) What we actually say. If you are really good at saying only exactly what you mean at all times, I hope you write a book on your technique. For us regular humans, what we have in our minds and what comes out of our mouths is not always a solid match. 3) What the other person hears. Just because you said it doesn’t mean they heard it without any filter. 4) What the other person thinks you mean. Even if you said “anything for dinner is fine” and you meant anything for dinner is fine, your partner may think there is a hidden agenda, or other things going on beyond the words that actually came out of your mouth."
My thoughts:9% - I'm really I'm not in the mood for discussion questions. Good information though. 📱21% - This book is fantastic, I think a lot of the swearing is unnecessary but it's not as excessive as Sarah Knight. 📱 62% 1:44:30 - Now I need to learn more about HCPs and backdrafts. I also need to her other books.
I don't recall if this book is free on Audible or one of the books I decided on in the last 3 for 1 sale, either way it was in my Downloads folder and the oldest of the bunch so I read it. It is a really good book but the hip comebacks and foul language add little to the context. What I got from this book was a cool take on fight-flight-freeze, your body has a boundary sensor that works without the use of your senses, High-Conflict People, Emotional Backdrafts and Backdraft Compassion, and I really want to read Unf#ck Your Brain (free) but maybe I don't. This was interesting and informative but the delivery wasn't the best. I hope she doesn't truly refer to her spouse as Mr. Faith.
Dr Faith Harper has always been my favourite. her humor, give no shit language and practical no nonsense advice has always appealed to me. I always recommend her books to people looking for Goodreads on mental health,trauma,anxiety etc. I must say, among all of her books, this one has a very special place. it deals with boundaries. seems simple enough, but often in our lives, we find not understanding what a boundary actually is. Taking from my own personal experience, communicating boundaries have always resulted in offense or misunderstandings, as most of us know the word but seldom take the time to understand the word in all of its aspects and meanings and most of all - it's importance. if you give your significant one book, let this be this one.
Sheeesh why was this so good? I got it for free on audiable and it was only 2 hours long. I didn't expect anything and I got probably the best intro to boundaries book I cold have asked for. Can't believe how inclusive it was regarding sexuality and gender, neurodivergence, race etc never thought I could find this in a psychology book and it shook my world. Maybe I don't need to listen to the popular experts that don't account for intersectioality. Also it was funny and I had no idea that could be added to such a book. After Mark Mason's The subtle art of not giving a fuck I was put off edgy books that swear and now I discovered that is a permeable boundary for me hehe I've already ordered Dr Harper's workbook and off to binge read all the unfuck books like a Netflix show 🙃
My star rating is both for the content and her style, which, as many other reviews addressed, has lots of swearing and (2018 teenage?) slang. I'm not the target audience but my reading tastes run a broad gamut so I stuck this one out and surprisingly found that she made me laugh often enough that the book went quickly and I remembered the messages within.
I gave four stars because it's effectively organized and broken down into actionable, bite-sized chunks.
if the subject of boundaries is new to you and you can tolerate or enjoy the delivery, then this is a great introduction. If you already know the basics and are looking to add to that, I still feel like it's a worthwhile quick refresher with some new looks and ideas sprinkled in.
This may be the only one I read from the series, but I still recommend it because even if her style is not your style, many of you may know somebody who would like it and then, what a great gift of knowledge and understanding you have given.
Spoiler alert, a quote serving as a good summary for what she's teaching here:
"problems ...get fixed when we do the difficult work to figure out what it is that we truly want in life, the kind of relationships that we want and don't want, and how we best communicate those desires to those around us while holding space for them to communicate their desires to us."
That's it. That's the Grail.
(I just rememberd I had already bought unfuck your intimacy, so, see you in a few hours)
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
While I didn't do any of the exercises for the book, it's good fruit for thought when it comes to defining the boundaries of every relationship in your life. Comfortability is something I'm always striving for. Knowing that I should be explicitly defining my boundaries seems obvious in hindsight. Finding an appropriate response when someone violates that boundary is another lesson.
Definitely a worthy read. It's short and written in a way that feels casual
I didn’t find anything in this book groundbreaking (yay me?) but this is a wonderful reminder and overview for those who have boundaries at top-of-mind. It’s a relatively quick read with some very helpful questions to consider at the end of each section.
If you’ve struggled with boundaries, want to deepen an understanding of boundaries, or want to be able to have more informed conversations about boundaries then this is a great book.