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Amy Vanderbilt's Everyday Etiquette: Revised and Updated
America’s new manners.
• What do you wear to a 4.PM wedding?
• How do you introduce a couple who are living together but not married?
• Should you invite an “extra” woman to dinner without an "extra" man?
• How do you write a letter the President of the U.S.?
• When a man arrives to see a woman executive, should she stand up?
• It is ever correct to have your elbows on the table?
• Should a man be invited to a bridal shower?
• How do you eat an artichoke?
Find out in Amy Vanderbilt’s Everyday Etiquette
• What do you wear to a 4.PM wedding?
• How do you introduce a couple who are living together but not married?
• Should you invite an “extra” woman to dinner without an "extra" man?
• How do you write a letter the President of the U.S.?
• When a man arrives to see a woman executive, should she stand up?
• It is ever correct to have your elbows on the table?
• Should a man be invited to a bridal shower?
• How do you eat an artichoke?
Find out in Amy Vanderbilt’s Everyday Etiquette
272 pages, Mass Market Paperback
First published January 1, 1952
2 people are currently reading
137 people want to read
About the author
Amy Vanderbilt
49 books13 followersAmy Vanderbilt was an American authority on etiquette. In 1952 she published the best selling book Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette. The book, later retitled Amy Vanderbilt's Etiquette, has been updated and is still in circulation today. The most recent edition was edited by Nancy Tuckerman and Nancy Dunnan. Its longtime popularity has led to it being considered a standard of etiquette writing.
She is also the author or collector of cooking materials, including the 1961 book Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Cook Book illustrated by Andy Warhol.
Vanderbilt descended from either an uncle or brother of Cornelius Vanderbilt and is therefore not an official descendant-member of the Vanderbilt family. She was born in New York City and worked as a part-time reporter for the Staten Island Advance when she was 16. She was educated in Switzerland and at the Packer Collegiate Institute in Brooklyn before attending New York University. She worked in advertising and public relations, and published her famous book after five years of research. From 1954 to 1960 she hosted the television program It's in Good Taste and from 1960 to 1962 she hosted the radio program The Right Thing To Do. She also worked as a consultant for several agencies and organizations, including the U.S. Department of State.
On December 27, 1974, she died from multiple fractures of the skull after falling from a second-floor window in her townhouse on East 87th Street in New York. To this day, it is not clear whether her fall was accidental (most likely due to the medications she took for hypertension, which friends and relatives later said caused her to have severe dizzy spells) or whether she committed suicide.
She is also the author or collector of cooking materials, including the 1961 book Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Cook Book illustrated by Andy Warhol.
Vanderbilt descended from either an uncle or brother of Cornelius Vanderbilt and is therefore not an official descendant-member of the Vanderbilt family. She was born in New York City and worked as a part-time reporter for the Staten Island Advance when she was 16. She was educated in Switzerland and at the Packer Collegiate Institute in Brooklyn before attending New York University. She worked in advertising and public relations, and published her famous book after five years of research. From 1954 to 1960 she hosted the television program It's in Good Taste and from 1960 to 1962 she hosted the radio program The Right Thing To Do. She also worked as a consultant for several agencies and organizations, including the U.S. Department of State.
On December 27, 1974, she died from multiple fractures of the skull after falling from a second-floor window in her townhouse on East 87th Street in New York. To this day, it is not clear whether her fall was accidental (most likely due to the medications she took for hypertension, which friends and relatives later said caused her to have severe dizzy spells) or whether she committed suicide.
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
April 1, 2019
Obviously, a lot of this is outdated. I mean, who dresses for dinner in their own home, I'm talking suit and tie, NOT A SPORT COAT, people, come on! Words of advice on introductions, gifts, social niceties, how to dress in the office, hats in churches and elevators (yes to the first unless it's a church where you don't wear hats; no to the second unless there are a lot of people in there and taking it off would take more space. Of course the first is for women and the second is for men.) Things used to be complicated! And who knew you could announce the birth of your baby by tying a tiny calling card with his or her name, to your calling card! And your personal stationery should be cream or white, possibly dove gray; engraved with your name or monogram in black or dark blue ink. None of these new pastels!
I love stuff like this because it's interesting to me to see how things have changed over time. But really, the basics still hold true. Write thank you notes. Introduce people when you bring someone into a group. Don't take a drink if you have food in your mouth. Common sense.
To quote Sally Harper ("Coupling"), "Manners cost nothing!"
I love stuff like this because it's interesting to me to see how things have changed over time. But really, the basics still hold true. Write thank you notes. Introduce people when you bring someone into a group. Don't take a drink if you have food in your mouth. Common sense.
To quote Sally Harper ("Coupling"), "Manners cost nothing!"
August 17, 2025
A very light and easy read. The guide is organized into chapters covering various social situations, each of which contains a Q&A format to address specific topics.
This edition is from the 80s, so most of the content is outdated. It was still interesting to read as a time capsule of the social standards of the time. The author frames her tips in the context of America’s social modernization with more professional opportunities for women, casual dress in restaurants, etc. and she spends some time reassuring people that they will be able to grasp these new modern standards and that the world still cares about etiquette.
By our current standards, many of the “relaxed” etiquette tips provided would be seen as extremely outdated and extravagant. If Baldrige were alive today I’m sure she would be appalled at how far many of our standards of professional and social etiquette have fallen. However, I would be interested to read an updated version to see how one would codify the rules of our modern-day society, if that is even possible.
This edition is from the 80s, so most of the content is outdated. It was still interesting to read as a time capsule of the social standards of the time. The author frames her tips in the context of America’s social modernization with more professional opportunities for women, casual dress in restaurants, etc. and she spends some time reassuring people that they will be able to grasp these new modern standards and that the world still cares about etiquette.
By our current standards, many of the “relaxed” etiquette tips provided would be seen as extremely outdated and extravagant. If Baldrige were alive today I’m sure she would be appalled at how far many of our standards of professional and social etiquette have fallen. However, I would be interested to read an updated version to see how one would codify the rules of our modern-day society, if that is even possible.
June 4, 2020
I found this book in a nearby thrift store that has a great book section, including a section for vintage books. I've had it on my desk in my home office so I could dip in and read a few pages when I have to wait on hold or for something to process on my computer, though waiting time not spent on other work tasks is apparently rare because I've been "reading it" for about a year and a half, and as I'm 6 books behind in my reading goal, I thought I ought to finish it. So I did.
It's a 1950s Q&A etiquette book, and it was interesting to get insights into how life and customs differed then, particularly around gender roles which were a lot more stringent. She repeatedly tells married women that their name is now Mrs. John Smith, not Mrs. Betty Smith, even if they are widowed. The one exception is if a woman is in business, where she might continue to use her maiden name because it's how she's known, but she also notes that this protects her husband's reputation in the event she does something wrong. In the workplace, the rules of deference on the basis of gender are also trumped by hierarchy. On a date, a woman does not tell the waiter her order directly, she lets the man suggest what she might like and tells him her order. There is some logic behind this as the man is also paying and this prevents a woman from ordering something more expensive than he can afford, though he also shouldn't take her to a restaurant he can't afford. In a business setting where a female executive takes a male client to lunch, she should pay, but in an invisible way, either giving the money with the check to the man to hand to the waiter, paying in advance or by account so she's not seen paying, or bringing a male colleague and giving him the money to give the waiter. It's interesting to see how as women were becoming more independent and self-sufficient, the gender-role-based etiquette rules were becoming increasingly awkward to follow.
Other notable differences were references to not having a maid/household staff (presumably another sign of changing times), smoking etiquette, a lot of references to calling cards (including when to use them in lieu of your business card), and when to wear gloves and a hat. A brief aside in one answer indicated that gloves kept a lady's hands clean in the city, and I remember when I worked in New York I often liked wearing my black leather gloves in winter, not so much for warmth as to not have to worry about all the dirty railings and door handles I had to touch on my daily commute that had been touched by hundreds of others. In general, most of the etiquette rules had a logical reason like this, or largely seemed to be common sense.
The most striking question came from a woman who would leave her baby outside in the sun (in Florida) while she shopped, and would return to find strange women fussing with him. What should she do? The answer was more about how to politely ask them to stop and move away, not DON'T LEAVE YOUR BABY ALONE OUTSIDE A STORE! Interestingly, some of my friends on Facebook mentioned this is still a custom in Europe. It did make me wonder if our world is that much more dangerous today, or if we are just less naive or more fearful (thanks to a 24-hour, pervasive news cycle)? Maybe all of the above.
Here are some other tips I picked up for living in the 1950s:
Lace is an all-year-round fashion.
It is quite proper to wear matching shoes.
Episcopalians are exceedingly fond of hats.
A midnight blue tux is not a fad and looks blacker than black at night.
“The matter of garters for gentlemen is a very touchy subject.“
“Plenty of perfectly nice people cross their legs in church."
12-year-olds can play kissing games at their boy-girl parties; your mother probably did, too.
It is customary to make as many social calls on friends as possible on New Year's day.
If you must travel to your wedding by train with your fiance without a chaperone, the people on the train will be your chaperones.
Perhaps one of the best lines in a response that captured how different life was then was in response to a woman who got asthma attacks from people constantly smoking aroung her desk at work (coworkers and her boss's visitors). Miss Vanderbilt replies, "In some cases, I understand, psychiatric help is valuable to asthma sufferers." So, in the 1950s, a reaction to the pervasive secondhand smoke was a psychological problem--all in your head. This advice brought to you by Phillip Morris.
It's a 1950s Q&A etiquette book, and it was interesting to get insights into how life and customs differed then, particularly around gender roles which were a lot more stringent. She repeatedly tells married women that their name is now Mrs. John Smith, not Mrs. Betty Smith, even if they are widowed. The one exception is if a woman is in business, where she might continue to use her maiden name because it's how she's known, but she also notes that this protects her husband's reputation in the event she does something wrong. In the workplace, the rules of deference on the basis of gender are also trumped by hierarchy. On a date, a woman does not tell the waiter her order directly, she lets the man suggest what she might like and tells him her order. There is some logic behind this as the man is also paying and this prevents a woman from ordering something more expensive than he can afford, though he also shouldn't take her to a restaurant he can't afford. In a business setting where a female executive takes a male client to lunch, she should pay, but in an invisible way, either giving the money with the check to the man to hand to the waiter, paying in advance or by account so she's not seen paying, or bringing a male colleague and giving him the money to give the waiter. It's interesting to see how as women were becoming more independent and self-sufficient, the gender-role-based etiquette rules were becoming increasingly awkward to follow.
Other notable differences were references to not having a maid/household staff (presumably another sign of changing times), smoking etiquette, a lot of references to calling cards (including when to use them in lieu of your business card), and when to wear gloves and a hat. A brief aside in one answer indicated that gloves kept a lady's hands clean in the city, and I remember when I worked in New York I often liked wearing my black leather gloves in winter, not so much for warmth as to not have to worry about all the dirty railings and door handles I had to touch on my daily commute that had been touched by hundreds of others. In general, most of the etiquette rules had a logical reason like this, or largely seemed to be common sense.
The most striking question came from a woman who would leave her baby outside in the sun (in Florida) while she shopped, and would return to find strange women fussing with him. What should she do? The answer was more about how to politely ask them to stop and move away, not DON'T LEAVE YOUR BABY ALONE OUTSIDE A STORE! Interestingly, some of my friends on Facebook mentioned this is still a custom in Europe. It did make me wonder if our world is that much more dangerous today, or if we are just less naive or more fearful (thanks to a 24-hour, pervasive news cycle)? Maybe all of the above.
Here are some other tips I picked up for living in the 1950s:
Lace is an all-year-round fashion.
It is quite proper to wear matching shoes.
Episcopalians are exceedingly fond of hats.
A midnight blue tux is not a fad and looks blacker than black at night.
“The matter of garters for gentlemen is a very touchy subject.“
“Plenty of perfectly nice people cross their legs in church."
12-year-olds can play kissing games at their boy-girl parties; your mother probably did, too.
It is customary to make as many social calls on friends as possible on New Year's day.
If you must travel to your wedding by train with your fiance without a chaperone, the people on the train will be your chaperones.
Perhaps one of the best lines in a response that captured how different life was then was in response to a woman who got asthma attacks from people constantly smoking aroung her desk at work (coworkers and her boss's visitors). Miss Vanderbilt replies, "In some cases, I understand, psychiatric help is valuable to asthma sufferers." So, in the 1950s, a reaction to the pervasive secondhand smoke was a psychological problem--all in your head. This advice brought to you by Phillip Morris.
December 8, 2013
I've got a soft spot for etiquette books. I'm all for the satisfaction, and superiority, that comes with knowing when a taffeta dress is appropriate for a wedding reception, or whether it's all right for a junior executive to wear a sports coat with slacks in the office, especially when senior executives do it.
Back in my younger years I kept a tumblr on modern etiquette, a real page-turner, bringing delight and pleasure to literally tens of followers. This isn't mentioned in some callow attempt to advertise it, but to place the importance I feel for these things. Of course, mine was more along the lines of 'It is impolite to hold a boyfriend to any promise made five minutes or less before his own orgasm" (Girlfriend Etiquette No. 23), but I feel as though I've built these rules on those books sold to mercilessly snobby individuals who'd hold people hostage with outdated decrees.
Anyway, Amy Vanderbuilt has attempted to update the form a little bit. She has reader questions throughout (although she remains silent on the matter of Girlfriend Etiquette, possibly hinting at an undercurrent of Feminism in Ms. Vanderbuilt) which are, on one hand, excellent if I have to go to my Cousin's Niece's Sweet Sixteen Party in 1968, but on the other hand, are frightfully specific.
Actually I take back the Feminist angle. She said that divorced women should only advertise their second marriage informally, and have small ceremonies. That sounds like a puritanical streak is hiding somewhere. Would love to load Ms Vanderbuilt full of heavy G&Ts and see what she really thinks of Twice-Divorced Slatterns.
Emily Post's book on etiquette (Etiquette) is also a good read. I think that's around here somewhere. For a slightly updated version, based I think on Ms Post's book, read P J O'Rourke's excellent guide (Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People) as well. I think any modern guide to etiquette (respectfully, of course, not including mine), is pretty much Cleo-Type vulgar nonsense about whether it's fine to call a man after a date or whether you can share anal beads or some such rot.
Back in my younger years I kept a tumblr on modern etiquette, a real page-turner, bringing delight and pleasure to literally tens of followers. This isn't mentioned in some callow attempt to advertise it, but to place the importance I feel for these things. Of course, mine was more along the lines of 'It is impolite to hold a boyfriend to any promise made five minutes or less before his own orgasm" (Girlfriend Etiquette No. 23), but I feel as though I've built these rules on those books sold to mercilessly snobby individuals who'd hold people hostage with outdated decrees.
Anyway, Amy Vanderbuilt has attempted to update the form a little bit. She has reader questions throughout (although she remains silent on the matter of Girlfriend Etiquette, possibly hinting at an undercurrent of Feminism in Ms. Vanderbuilt) which are, on one hand, excellent if I have to go to my Cousin's Niece's Sweet Sixteen Party in 1968, but on the other hand, are frightfully specific.
Actually I take back the Feminist angle. She said that divorced women should only advertise their second marriage informally, and have small ceremonies. That sounds like a puritanical streak is hiding somewhere. Would love to load Ms Vanderbuilt full of heavy G&Ts and see what she really thinks of Twice-Divorced Slatterns.
Emily Post's book on etiquette (Etiquette) is also a good read. I think that's around here somewhere. For a slightly updated version, based I think on Ms Post's book, read P J O'Rourke's excellent guide (Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People) as well. I think any modern guide to etiquette (respectfully, of course, not including mine), is pretty much Cleo-Type vulgar nonsense about whether it's fine to call a man after a date or whether you can share anal beads or some such rot.
August 15, 2008
When I joined Cotillion in high school (the lazy Cotillion that involved only twice-yearly teas and that I did mainly for resume padding, not the Cotillion with the coming-out ball and stuff), my mom half-jokingly got me two etiquette books, this one and a 1901 "Etiquette for All Occasions" by Mrs. Burton Kingsland.
I still have both books and have actually learned quite a bit from them.
I still have both books and have actually learned quite a bit from them.
April 17, 2021
It was really fun to read this and see what kinds of things have changed or that no longer even exist in the world of manners today!
January 8, 2023
Very outdated. Interesting to a point, but some of these manners are no longer useful.
July 16, 2025
Timeless essential that belongs in everyone's arsenal.
November 23, 2007
This book is in the format of questions asked by readers and grouped together in chapters.
July 7, 2013
Manners never go out of style! We may approach certain circumstances differently because of advancements in life, such as technology, but the essence is there. Great reference book!
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews