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Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role
Are you wondering if you're the family 'scapegoat'? Have you been the victim of a 'smear' campaign or been labeled "sick", "mentally ill", or "crazy" by members of your immediate or extended family? Have you reached out for help and support and been told, "Just get over it, it's your family, it can't be that bad"?
In Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Understanding Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA), Psychotherapist Rebecca C. Mandeville provides a means of understanding why dysfunctional families scapegoat one of their own and helps you to release the painful, damaging 'scapegoat story' for good.
An internationally recognized Family Systems expert, the author explores the roots of family scapegoat dynamics and how the scapegoated adult survivor can free themselves from 'false family narratives' and become the author of their own lives. Via psycho-education, self-assessment tools, and practical steps and strategies, she describes a way out of the 'scapegoat trap' for those who are ready to leave it for good. In these pages you'll discover:
- How to determine if you're the 'family scapegoat'
- Why scapegoated individuals have difficulty finding help
- How complex trauma (C-PTSD), and 'toxic shame' impede recovery
- Why the family 'Empath' can end up scapegoated
- How to identify and establish boundaries
- How to recognize false family narratives
- How to recover and realign with your 'true self'
This life is the only one you'll have, and your story is precious and unique. If you're struggling to understand family scapegoat dynamics and want to recover and reclaim your 'true self' identity, this book's for you.
- FSA Self-Assessment is included - Should not be used for diagnostic purposes.
- Clinicians and Coaches may also find this introductory eBook helpful.
About the Author: Rebecca C. Mandeville was born and raised in the San Francisco Bay Area, where she first established her Psychotherapy practice twenty years ago. She served as Core Faculty at the world-renowned Institute of Transpersonal Psychology and has been a featured speaker at conferences that address a wide-range of topics, including non-dual wisdom and systemic dysfunction in the workplace. A recognized expert in her field, Rebecca writes regularly on her Psych Central blog on systemic scapegoating and it's effects. She is currently working on a book based on her research on what she named 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA) after publishing an Introductory Guide on this same topic. She enjoys singing and used to perform regularly with the San Jose Symphony. She currently lives on the Oregon Coast with her partner, John, and their family of animals.
In Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Understanding Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA), Psychotherapist Rebecca C. Mandeville provides a means of understanding why dysfunctional families scapegoat one of their own and helps you to release the painful, damaging 'scapegoat story' for good.
An internationally recognized Family Systems expert, the author explores the roots of family scapegoat dynamics and how the scapegoated adult survivor can free themselves from 'false family narratives' and become the author of their own lives. Via psycho-education, self-assessment tools, and practical steps and strategies, she describes a way out of the 'scapegoat trap' for those who are ready to leave it for good. In these pages you'll discover:
- How to determine if you're the 'family scapegoat'
- Why scapegoated individuals have difficulty finding help
- How complex trauma (C-PTSD), and 'toxic shame' impede recovery
- Why the family 'Empath' can end up scapegoated
- How to identify and establish boundaries
- How to recognize false family narratives
- How to recover and realign with your 'true self'
This life is the only one you'll have, and your story is precious and unique. If you're struggling to understand family scapegoat dynamics and want to recover and reclaim your 'true self' identity, this book's for you.
- FSA Self-Assessment is included - Should not be used for diagnostic purposes.
- Clinicians and Coaches may also find this introductory eBook helpful.
About the Author: Rebecca C. Mandeville was born and raised in the San Francisco Bay Area, where she first established her Psychotherapy practice twenty years ago. She served as Core Faculty at the world-renowned Institute of Transpersonal Psychology and has been a featured speaker at conferences that address a wide-range of topics, including non-dual wisdom and systemic dysfunction in the workplace. A recognized expert in her field, Rebecca writes regularly on her Psych Central blog on systemic scapegoating and it's effects. She is currently working on a book based on her research on what she named 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA) after publishing an Introductory Guide on this same topic. She enjoys singing and used to perform regularly with the San Jose Symphony. She currently lives on the Oregon Coast with her partner, John, and their family of animals.
149 pages, Paperback
First published August 14, 2020
270 people are currently reading
781 people want to read
About the author
Rebecca C. Mandeville
2 books20 followersRebecca C. Mandeville was born and raised in the San Francisco Bay Area, where she first established her Psychotherapy practice twenty years ago. She served as Core Faculty at the world-renowned Institute of Transpersonal Psychology and has been a featured speaker at conferences that address a wide-range of topics, including 'Non-Dual Wisdom and Psychotherapy' and 'Systemic Dysfunction in the Workplace'. A recognized expert in her field, Rebecca is a featured guest blogger for various Mental Health organizations. She enjoys singing and used to perform regularly with the San Jose Symphony. She currently lives on the Oregon Coast with her partner, John, and their family of animals. You can connect with Rebecca via her website at www.scapegoatrecovery.com
FACEBOOK: facebook.com/FSARecovery
BLOG: scapegoatrecovery.com/blog
FACEBOOK: facebook.com/FSARecovery
BLOG: scapegoatrecovery.com/blog
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 53 reviews
September 15, 2020
This book is a the best I have read on this subject!!!
I recommend this book for anyone and everyone suffering from being a scapegoat . It is complete, by complete I mean, in knowledge, understanding and doing something about these insidious, debilitating behaviors of your family or any other person or group. This person really cares because she has been there. This book was priced dirt cheap, I say this because of the wells of knowledge and the extreme value of every page. I am excited and looking forward to her next book!
I recommend this book for anyone and everyone suffering from being a scapegoat . It is complete, by complete I mean, in knowledge, understanding and doing something about these insidious, debilitating behaviors of your family or any other person or group. This person really cares because she has been there. This book was priced dirt cheap, I say this because of the wells of knowledge and the extreme value of every page. I am excited and looking forward to her next book!
February 25, 2025
This books confirms what you know to be true, or what you need to hear to confirm to your spirit that you are not the problem, but your dysfunctional family is. It is powerful to hear someone confirm that what you have experienced is abuse and not just people being outrageously cruel. For me, cutting out my family-of-origin was necessary for my mental health and happiness. Fortunately it was easy for me to do once I realized that I didn't need to carry these people on my back, like a cross to bear, for the rest of my life. I wish them all well, but for my happiness I must love them from a distance. My life has never been better.
November 28, 2020
Excellent
A very good introduction to this pervasive problem. Definitely will require more study and counseling, but it’s so beneficial to understand some of the mysteries of my life.
A very good introduction to this pervasive problem. Definitely will require more study and counseling, but it’s so beneficial to understand some of the mysteries of my life.
July 8, 2023
For how short this book is, I found it to be really insightful into learning about the scapegoat role in dysfunctional family systems. This book really helped me connect many of my childhood experiences with being victimized in the scapegoat role and also the extreme toxic shame that has haunted me my entire life and made me feel destined to self ruin.
Here are some quotes/concepts organized by topic:
Family systems & roles:
- roles are inter generational and upheld by ego defenses, denial, projection, and reality control
What is the scapegoat role?
- “The scapegoated child is repeatedly cast into a negative light and portrayed in a one-dimensional manner that denies them their full humanity.”
- “Children in such families are nothing more than mirrors whose sole purpose is to reflect back to the narcissistic parent their own image … the scapegoat child carries the tremendous burden of the narcissistic parent’s repressed, unconscious self-hatred, including the ‘shadow’ parts of their psyche…”
How does the scapegoat role affect someone as an adult even after leaving their family system?
1) guilt
“I could not ask for forgiveness for something I had not done”
2) self-hatred (self-blame), feeling defective
- “they may feel that they don’t have a right to be, to feel, or to express themselves authentically due to an inner sense of self-loathing rooted in toxic shame.”
- “Many FSA survivors believe that something must be very wrong with them, but they are not sure what. They will often avoid talking about their negative family experiences with others due to a sense of shame or a fear of not being believed, which results in their becoming further isolated and increasingly vulnerable to depression. As a result of having the very core of who they are denied and redefined as children, the adult survivor of family scapegoating will often find themselves feeling disconnected, dissociated, hopeless, and even passively and chronically s***cidal as adults.”
“They may feel faulty, defective, and undeserving of love, respect, comfort, and consideration, which further isolates them”
How do you recover from being a scapegoat?
- “Recovering from family scapegoating abuse as being a process of reclamation whereby we discover, and reclaim the true self lost in childhood.”
- managing the dissonance and finding external affirmation of your own reality
“Whatever the system can’t change, control, or accept, it will accept to diminish, label, reject.”
Here are some quotes/concepts organized by topic:
Family systems & roles:
- roles are inter generational and upheld by ego defenses, denial, projection, and reality control
What is the scapegoat role?
- “The scapegoated child is repeatedly cast into a negative light and portrayed in a one-dimensional manner that denies them their full humanity.”
- “Children in such families are nothing more than mirrors whose sole purpose is to reflect back to the narcissistic parent their own image … the scapegoat child carries the tremendous burden of the narcissistic parent’s repressed, unconscious self-hatred, including the ‘shadow’ parts of their psyche…”
How does the scapegoat role affect someone as an adult even after leaving their family system?
1) guilt
“I could not ask for forgiveness for something I had not done”
2) self-hatred (self-blame), feeling defective
- “they may feel that they don’t have a right to be, to feel, or to express themselves authentically due to an inner sense of self-loathing rooted in toxic shame.”
- “Many FSA survivors believe that something must be very wrong with them, but they are not sure what. They will often avoid talking about their negative family experiences with others due to a sense of shame or a fear of not being believed, which results in their becoming further isolated and increasingly vulnerable to depression. As a result of having the very core of who they are denied and redefined as children, the adult survivor of family scapegoating will often find themselves feeling disconnected, dissociated, hopeless, and even passively and chronically s***cidal as adults.”
“They may feel faulty, defective, and undeserving of love, respect, comfort, and consideration, which further isolates them”
How do you recover from being a scapegoat?
- “Recovering from family scapegoating abuse as being a process of reclamation whereby we discover, and reclaim the true self lost in childhood.”
- managing the dissonance and finding external affirmation of your own reality
“Whatever the system can’t change, control, or accept, it will accept to diminish, label, reject.”
December 12, 2023
4 stars. This is a good introduction to information about and resources for family scapegoating abuse. It is a pretty short book with lots of information and directions to take to start or continue your work to healing and living a better life. I found the book has taken pieces I've picked up over the years and even recently (false self and DARVO) and bundled them together in a cohesive narrative. I may go back to the bits I highlighted or just reread again when I want inspiration on where to go next.
November 17, 2021
Interesting for sure. I am trying to figure out how things evolved in my family of origin. I have an idea but I would like to understand it more deeply now that I have been cut off and am being shunned. This book is helpful. There are questionnaires at the end of each chapter that help to focus on separate issues in your relationship with family members. I didn't find exactly what I want but I still got some insights that are beneficial.
September 29, 2022
Finally, I understand what has been going on!
This was an easy to read guide to what has been going on in my life for the past 30 years. It made me laugh and cry. It makes me feel hopeful I can find a way out of this.
This was an easy to read guide to what has been going on in my life for the past 30 years. It made me laugh and cry. It makes me feel hopeful I can find a way out of this.
February 20, 2023
The first part of the book was good. It gave information that allowed the reader to determine if they have been a victim of scapegoating. However, the strategies given on how to help yourself overcome it were vague. I expected a more specific behavioral approach. That was disappointing.
May 9, 2023
I didn't find this book particularly helpful. It is 128 pages long and the text is double-spaced with lots of white space on the first page of the chapters. It read more like an advertisement for the author's therapeutic practice than a guide for children who have been scapegoated. There was a lot of repetition, too. The only item that I found useful was the author's distinction between PTSD and C-PTSD, which goes hand-in-hand with being a scapegoat. Look elsewhere for a better treatment of this phenomenon in a dysfunctional family.
December 27, 2020
Short and good introduction to the issue. Took me less than 2 hours to finish it, will definitely go back and re-read. Very informative.
September 6, 2022
This book saved my sanity.
October 31, 2025
My healing/growth journey began 20 years ago, and I wish I could have read something like this at the beginning. Mandeville provides some excellent insights into the very specific trauma inflicted on the ‘scapegoat’ of the family. If you have been assigned this role by any member of your birth family, the book will be helpful to understand the dynamics of that particular dysfunctional upbringing, as well as learn about methods for healing.
May 15, 2025
If your family abused you ....
I did not realize I have been scapeg
Ùoated for over 50 years by my biological family.
This book has given me tremendous help and hope in dealing with past abuse and subsequent rejection. Thank you, Dr. Mandeville!
I did not realize I have been scapeg
Ùoated for over 50 years by my biological family.
This book has given me tremendous help and hope in dealing with past abuse and subsequent rejection. Thank you, Dr. Mandeville!
January 12, 2025
I really could have used this book on a personal level a loooooong time ago, but reading it now was still helpful to validate and expand my understanding of the process and root of family scapegoating.
I am used to dedicating myself to hefty books about painful topics like this, so what I found rather freeing about Rebecca Mandeville's resource is that it has just enough information in it to get started: a Goldilocks sort of overview, if you will. It can be quite overwhelming when an individual starts to realize they have been/are being abused by the one(s) who are supposed to be their loving supporter(s), so "Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed" is a good book to ease into becoming conscious of the injustices and the consequences of being chronically abused. Each chapter is important and akin to being a sting that can be followed on a journey of further self-exploration.
My Personal Suggestions on Next Steps For Those Seeking Help:
• I highly recommend Tim Fletcher and his YouTube channel for help with Complex Trauma. (He has a Christian background but will only add anything religious at the end of some videos. He always gives a heads-up so that those who aren't interested can stop listening/watching. I have never found him to be preachy. I find him wise and incredibly beneficial.)
- Like the author, I also found Pete Walker's books helpful. I had the physical copies, but I especially enjoyed listening to the audiobooks.
- If anybody is interested in an amazing registered counsellor for aiding in recovery from narcissistic family abuse, Adrie-Anne Gamble is truly the best. She works solely online. (Like Time Fletcher, she is Christian. I am not Christian and she never shared or pushed any religious beliefs my wY.) She is a highly sensitive person. She gets it.
https://reginacounselling.com
Wishing all of you love and support on the journey of reclaiming your true selves.
Let us continue to be compassionate, kind, and loving to ourselves for all that we endured but never deserved. 💕
I am used to dedicating myself to hefty books about painful topics like this, so what I found rather freeing about Rebecca Mandeville's resource is that it has just enough information in it to get started: a Goldilocks sort of overview, if you will. It can be quite overwhelming when an individual starts to realize they have been/are being abused by the one(s) who are supposed to be their loving supporter(s), so "Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed" is a good book to ease into becoming conscious of the injustices and the consequences of being chronically abused. Each chapter is important and akin to being a sting that can be followed on a journey of further self-exploration.
My Personal Suggestions on Next Steps For Those Seeking Help:
• I highly recommend Tim Fletcher and his YouTube channel for help with Complex Trauma. (He has a Christian background but will only add anything religious at the end of some videos. He always gives a heads-up so that those who aren't interested can stop listening/watching. I have never found him to be preachy. I find him wise and incredibly beneficial.)
- Like the author, I also found Pete Walker's books helpful. I had the physical copies, but I especially enjoyed listening to the audiobooks.
- If anybody is interested in an amazing registered counsellor for aiding in recovery from narcissistic family abuse, Adrie-Anne Gamble is truly the best. She works solely online. (Like Time Fletcher, she is Christian. I am not Christian and she never shared or pushed any religious beliefs my wY.) She is a highly sensitive person. She gets it.
https://reginacounselling.com
Wishing all of you love and support on the journey of reclaiming your true selves.
Let us continue to be compassionate, kind, and loving to ourselves for all that we endured but never deserved. 💕
April 26, 2025
Would have been 5 if not for regular uncritical mentions of personality disorders. That said, this is a critically important work on this underdiscussed type of family of origin trauma. And it’s always nice to see TIST providers represented!
November 12, 2024
This book is a valuable resource in validating one’s experience as a survivor of family scapegoating. However, it is quite repetitive. It is written in a scientific journal sort of format; each sentence that makes a claim is followed by a sentence describing the alternative or explaining causation and impact of said claim. So it is not a particularly interesting or engaging read. However, if the concepts of scapegoating and existing as the ‘identified patient’ in your family are new, it does give a clear explanation of these ideas.
I don’t know that I would recommend it over other resources but it is valuable in tandem with other resources.
Additionally, I appreciate that the book does not exclusively identify scapegoating as a pattern of dysfunctional families where one or both parents (and possibly siblings) exhibit symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, or borderline personality disorder, etc. Many books and resources are geared toward the identified patient in a family with a narcissistic parent, borderline parent, etc., and these perpetuate the idea that those families are the only ones where dysfunction and scapegoating occur, which is undeniably false.
I don’t know that I would recommend it over other resources but it is valuable in tandem with other resources.
Additionally, I appreciate that the book does not exclusively identify scapegoating as a pattern of dysfunctional families where one or both parents (and possibly siblings) exhibit symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, or borderline personality disorder, etc. Many books and resources are geared toward the identified patient in a family with a narcissistic parent, borderline parent, etc., and these perpetuate the idea that those families are the only ones where dysfunction and scapegoating occur, which is undeniably false.
September 20, 2024
What an amazing self-help book for those who have experienced scapegoating at the hands of family! She gets right to the point. Everything she states is clear, direct, and easy to understand. Mandeville uses terms and descriptions that people experience but have a hard time putting into words, and she gives access to those previously unspeakable situations, giving power to the family scapegoat to finally describe what they have gone through. Best of all, I love how she includes many compassionate comments, surrounding the victim of family scapegoating in love and hope. Mandeville sees the victim, the reality, the truth. Multiple resources are listed throughout the book. This is a short, must-read that will help anyone who has dealt with living in the family scapegoating role, and I highly recommend it!
January 4, 2022
A fantastic starting place for anyone who needs to understand the scapegoat role in dysfunctional families. Rebecca does a fantastic job explaining how to know if you are a family scapegoat, signs and symptoms to look for, and how to begin recovery. She includes many resources for further reading, and many calls to action throughout the book on how to find not only a therapist, but a trauma-informed one. Rebecca does a great job putting words to what the survivor may be feeling, but are unable to grasp what is really going on. There is not a lot of printed work on the scapegoat role so I am thankful for this resource!
October 10, 2024
This book was incredibly eye opening and helpful to understanding exactly what I’ve been dealing with all my life. It was actually spot on with my experiences. The links in the ebook are very helpful as well. I finally know how to go about healing from this mess and the proper help to seek for this kind of abuse. It’s unfortunate how many people bury their heads in the sand, are brainwashed, or join up to go against scapegoats in the family. They don’t realize just how much damage it does to a persons’ soul. Thankfully there is hope for healing, and you can end up stronger than ever before and live a happy and peaceful life. You just have to put in the work and cut off the abusers.
May 30, 2023
A Groundbreaking Resource For Lifelong Sufferers
Reading and rereading Rejected, Shamed and Blamed offers a road map to recovery. It is filled with insights to the lesser known family trauma dynamic of scapegoating that created debilitating developmental setbacks, yet also provides steps and resources to recovery. To come upon this book means you are ready to face the fog of family dysfunction, a royally bad dream, only this is your gentle alarm, it’s time to wake up!
Reading and rereading Rejected, Shamed and Blamed offers a road map to recovery. It is filled with insights to the lesser known family trauma dynamic of scapegoating that created debilitating developmental setbacks, yet also provides steps and resources to recovery. To come upon this book means you are ready to face the fog of family dysfunction, a royally bad dream, only this is your gentle alarm, it’s time to wake up!
October 24, 2024
Answers Everything
Rebecca Mandeville has so clearly and thoroughly spelled out the root of many, most, family dysfunctions. Her work is thoroughly researched and supported, and I applaud her bringing this to the forefront of our attention. I hope we pay attention. I know that this book has already helped me immensely, and I know it will help otherstoo. I can highly recommend it.
Rebecca Mandeville has so clearly and thoroughly spelled out the root of many, most, family dysfunctions. Her work is thoroughly researched and supported, and I applaud her bringing this to the forefront of our attention. I hope we pay attention. I know that this book has already helped me immensely, and I know it will help otherstoo. I can highly recommend it.
April 21, 2024
Very Insightful
Very clear, yet down to earth book which was tremendously insightful about this subject! I am so grateful this book came to my attention. Check out Rebecca Mandevilles videos on YouTube as well if you wish to delve deeper or get a taste of this womans knowledge. Both are tremendously helpful for this unique healing path.
Very clear, yet down to earth book which was tremendously insightful about this subject! I am so grateful this book came to my attention. Check out Rebecca Mandevilles videos on YouTube as well if you wish to delve deeper or get a taste of this womans knowledge. Both are tremendously helpful for this unique healing path.
June 10, 2024
It is a rare phenomenon that a book hits the truth of you in every chapter, in every offered word! Each concept given helped me to know something I needed to know more of; each ending where the author introduced what is coming next always but always kept me wanting to continue to the next segment. I find this book interesting and informative, condensed and really to the point
November 15, 2024
Extremely helpful!
I first discovered Ms. Mandeville through her YouTube channel (which I highly recommend). Her videos were so helpful that I had to learn more! This book has explained so many things I never understood about myself and the people around me. I'm looking forward to becoming more of my true self!
I first discovered Ms. Mandeville through her YouTube channel (which I highly recommend). Her videos were so helpful that I had to learn more! This book has explained so many things I never understood about myself and the people around me. I'm looking forward to becoming more of my true self!
March 31, 2025
I've never felt so seen and accepted...
I've had to put this book down several times because I would start to cry. I have never read a book that has made me feel like it was written for me. I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, I'm even crying as I write this. I will be buying this book in print as well. Amazing.
I've had to put this book down several times because I would start to cry. I have never read a book that has made me feel like it was written for me. I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, I'm even crying as I write this. I will be buying this book in print as well. Amazing.
January 6, 2022
Was quite good and informative! I didn’t relate to much of it myself personally, but I have friends who were treated this way by their families or partners and I think I understand their situations and experiences much better now.
May 23, 2022
Brilliant, concise, organized
An excellent summary of a relatively under-the-radar phenomenon. Useful for anyone at any age interested in learning about shame and the potentially lifelong impact of its cognitive impact
An excellent summary of a relatively under-the-radar phenomenon. Useful for anyone at any age interested in learning about shame and the potentially lifelong impact of its cognitive impact
July 12, 2022
25th book - met my reading challenge already!
this was a nice short book that I read in the span of about two hours. I think it's a good introduction to the topic but definitely requires further reading as this is just the bare bones.
this was a nice short book that I read in the span of about two hours. I think it's a good introduction to the topic but definitely requires further reading as this is just the bare bones.
March 14, 2023
Does not really give any helpful advice
This book is a quick read which will not really be of any help to anyone who is struggling with the aftermath of being a scapegoat. If you were treated badly by your family, please get counseling to help you.
This book is a quick read which will not really be of any help to anyone who is struggling with the aftermath of being a scapegoat. If you were treated badly by your family, please get counseling to help you.
March 16, 2024
Validating
This book explained what I couldn’t express and I feel so completely validated . I am 53 , estranged from my family. This book could have been written for me, specifically, the scapegoat child.
This book explained what I couldn’t express and I feel so completely validated . I am 53 , estranged from my family. This book could have been written for me, specifically, the scapegoat child.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 53 reviews