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Winsome Conviction: Disagreeing Without Dividing the Church
Christianity Today Book of the Year award of Merit
We generally assume that those sitting around us in church share our beliefs. But when our personal convictions are contested by fellow Christians, everything changes. We feel attacked from behind. When other Christians doubt or deny our convictions, we don't experience it as a mere difference of opinion, but as a violation of an unspoken agreement.
Tim Muehlhoff and Rick Langer offer a guide to help Christians navigate disagreements with one another. In today's polarized context, Christians often have committed, biblical rationales for very different positions. How do we discern between core biblical convictions and secondary issues? How do we cultivate better understanding and compassion for those we disagree with? Muehlhoff and Langer provide lessons from conflict theory and church history on how to avoid the dangers of groupthink and how to negotiate differing biblical convictions to avoid church splits and repair interpersonal ruptures.
Christian unity is possible. Discover how we can navigate differences by speaking in both truth and love.
We generally assume that those sitting around us in church share our beliefs. But when our personal convictions are contested by fellow Christians, everything changes. We feel attacked from behind. When other Christians doubt or deny our convictions, we don't experience it as a mere difference of opinion, but as a violation of an unspoken agreement.
Tim Muehlhoff and Rick Langer offer a guide to help Christians navigate disagreements with one another. In today's polarized context, Christians often have committed, biblical rationales for very different positions. How do we discern between core biblical convictions and secondary issues? How do we cultivate better understanding and compassion for those we disagree with? Muehlhoff and Langer provide lessons from conflict theory and church history on how to avoid the dangers of groupthink and how to negotiate differing biblical convictions to avoid church splits and repair interpersonal ruptures.
Christian unity is possible. Discover how we can navigate differences by speaking in both truth and love.
206 pages, Kindle Edition
First published December 8, 2020
32 people are currently reading
586 people want to read
About the author
Tim Muehlhoff
14 books26 followersTim Muehlhoff (PhD, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill) is a professor of communication at Biola University in La Mirada, California, where he teaches classes in family communication, interpersonal communication, persuasion, and gender. He is the author of I Beg to Differ and Marriage Forecasting, and the coauthor of The God Conversation: Using Stories and Illustrations to Explain Your Faith and Authentic Communication: Christian Speech Engaging Culture. Muehlhoff and his wife, Noreen, are frequent speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences, and he has served with Campus Crusade since 1986. They live in Brea, California, with their three boys.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 53 reviews
January 17, 2021
A thoughtful, thoroughly Christian answer to an increasingly relevant problem in Christian communities. A book to learn from and then return to again. The potential for the impact of the truths presented here is staggering in all the right ways.
April 27, 2021
As you would guess from the title, "Winsome Conviction" is book about the beliefs and opinions we hold dear and how to disagree without dividing the church. It covers many important principles of communication and grounds them in scripture and our charge to maintain unity and love. It also hones in on how we form our convictions and the misconceptions we may have about what it even means to hold a conviction. This is also an incredibly timely book as the church is polarizing as much as the wider culture. In the intro, the authors list several public situations about which Christians strongly disagreed that they had intended to use as examples only to have one disagreement be supplanted by an even more volatile one.
I strongly recommend "Winsome Conviction" not because it gives all the answers but because it challenges the reader to think through what they believe, how strongly they hold to it, what happens when it differs from others, and the consideration we owe one another as members of the body of Christ. It also provides practical ways forward when there is inevitable disagreement other than tiptoeing around the topics and ignoring the elephants in the room. (This is a cop out and weakens community, in my opinion. "Oneness" that is only possibly by avoidance is not genuine Christian unity.)
I am seriously tempted to buy a case, okay maybe not a whole case, but multiple copies to give away. That is how important I think this book is.
I strongly recommend "Winsome Conviction" not because it gives all the answers but because it challenges the reader to think through what they believe, how strongly they hold to it, what happens when it differs from others, and the consideration we owe one another as members of the body of Christ. It also provides practical ways forward when there is inevitable disagreement other than tiptoeing around the topics and ignoring the elephants in the room. (This is a cop out and weakens community, in my opinion. "Oneness" that is only possibly by avoidance is not genuine Christian unity.)
I am seriously tempted to buy a case, okay maybe not a whole case, but multiple copies to give away. That is how important I think this book is.
December 13, 2021
I really enjoyed reading this as well as "Winsome Persuasion" which focuses on evangelism. When I witness most arguments in churches and online, 99% of them are speaking past each other. This book is wonderfully practical in helping to create a communication climate that fosters health and unity rather than harm and disunity. I'd recommend their podcast as well. If you're a leader in a church or just a general congregant, this is well worth your time.
February 13, 2022
There were many things in here I needed to hear, like with most books, I’m not in full agreement on all aspects with the author. I’m actually going to start it over again and take notes because there were many important points , warnings, clarity and practical advice I want to remember.
January 11, 2022
This book is a helpful tool that could spark productive conversations in our churches. It gives perspective on why we need to engage disagreements well within the Church and why this is so important. The authors bring to attention the dire necessity of listening to understand and taking into account individuals' stories and contexts and how much those impact our convictions and subsequent disagreements. I especially appreciated how they highlighted the need to thoughtfully form convictions, but to keep in mind that our convictions are "not for export"; they should primarily serve to help us honor Jesus rather than winning others over to our point of view in disputable matters. I'd recommend this to pretty much anyone!
December 16, 2021
A solid look at the communication side of disagreement and the formation of convictions.
November 22, 2022
A really important book at the intersection of communication theory and theological fidelity, specifically written for Christians in disagreement and thoroughly practical.
July 11, 2021
4.5 stars
I first heard of this book through Muelhoff’s podcast by the same title. In a year like this past Covid-haunted year - not to mention racial and political discord and conspiracy theories run amuck - it was a balm to my weary, discord-averse soul. I highly recommend the podcast, if you want to contemplate and learn about how to relate in a godly, respectful manner with those on “the other side” of whatever the issue may be. The podcast is the best resource I know for such an endeavor.
This book is the same! It deals with effective communication, humility, language that helps us communicate facts, emotions convictions. Much of the content is aimed toward believers having differing convictions from their sisters and brothers in Christ.
Satan wins if we let differing convictions divide us. I highly recommend this book if you want to learn how to connect instead of divide over the many differences we have in this generation.
I first heard of this book through Muelhoff’s podcast by the same title. In a year like this past Covid-haunted year - not to mention racial and political discord and conspiracy theories run amuck - it was a balm to my weary, discord-averse soul. I highly recommend the podcast, if you want to contemplate and learn about how to relate in a godly, respectful manner with those on “the other side” of whatever the issue may be. The podcast is the best resource I know for such an endeavor.
This book is the same! It deals with effective communication, humility, language that helps us communicate facts, emotions convictions. Much of the content is aimed toward believers having differing convictions from their sisters and brothers in Christ.
Satan wins if we let differing convictions divide us. I highly recommend this book if you want to learn how to connect instead of divide over the many differences we have in this generation.
April 12, 2021
Please everyone consider reading this book. I consider this an essential Christian read and the timeliest book I’ve read this year. Beautifully written, enjoyable, and packed with sage advice. This is an easy 5 stars.
April 27, 2024
“What is the greatest threat to the church of Jesus Christ today?…The same as it has been in every generation since the New Testament was written: quarreling. Persecution strengthens the church. Intellectual and cultural challenges deepen our faith and stimulate our theological thinking. Ethical commitments that conflict with the culture make us stand out as salt and light—or at times may provoke us to purify our own lives to become better salt and light. Quarreling, on the other hand, is insidiously dangerous because it kills from within” (17-8).
“One of the key mistakes we make about communication is thinking it only exists on one level—our content (e.g., our arguments, words we use to convince others, the rhetoric we use to explain our view). However, communication theorists understand that the relational level— amount of respect, compassion, and acknowledgment—determines if the content can be received. Paul acknowledges both levels when he exhorts us to ‘speaking the truth [content] in love [relational]’ (Eph 4:15). Peter echoes the same sentiment when he not only instruct us to be ready to offer a reason for the hope within us but also includes the relational—with gentleness and respect (1 Pet 3:15)” (115).
“how you talk about people privately is how you’ll treat them publicly” (116).
“Some problems have to be managed rather than solved” (139).
“achieving a misunderstanding is much more common than achieving a real disagreement…Unless and until you can state the opinion of the other side in a way that makes them nod their heads and say, ‘Yes—you get it! You get me!’ you have failed to achieve disagreement…you need to be able to express what the other side believes but also how those beliefs make them feel and why those beliefs make them feel that way” (141-2).
“our biggest problem is not the lack of common ground but rather our preoccupation with our differences” (144).
Biblical love is not just accepting people as they are. It has a moral component. “It has a direction—it always moves us toward the good and toward God” (147).
“It is exactly because we are confident in our believes that we do not need to be harsh in defending them” (151).
“One of the key mistakes we make about communication is thinking it only exists on one level—our content (e.g., our arguments, words we use to convince others, the rhetoric we use to explain our view). However, communication theorists understand that the relational level— amount of respect, compassion, and acknowledgment—determines if the content can be received. Paul acknowledges both levels when he exhorts us to ‘speaking the truth [content] in love [relational]’ (Eph 4:15). Peter echoes the same sentiment when he not only instruct us to be ready to offer a reason for the hope within us but also includes the relational—with gentleness and respect (1 Pet 3:15)” (115).
“how you talk about people privately is how you’ll treat them publicly” (116).
“Some problems have to be managed rather than solved” (139).
“achieving a misunderstanding is much more common than achieving a real disagreement…Unless and until you can state the opinion of the other side in a way that makes them nod their heads and say, ‘Yes—you get it! You get me!’ you have failed to achieve disagreement…you need to be able to express what the other side believes but also how those beliefs make them feel and why those beliefs make them feel that way” (141-2).
“our biggest problem is not the lack of common ground but rather our preoccupation with our differences” (144).
Biblical love is not just accepting people as they are. It has a moral component. “It has a direction—it always moves us toward the good and toward God” (147).
“It is exactly because we are confident in our believes that we do not need to be harsh in defending them” (151).
May 1, 2022
This book gives Christians the tools and insights on how to get along with each other when they have very strong, differing, or opposing convictions. It is well-written, well-researched, and well-argued. It's written by a professor of communication and a professor of biblical and theological studies. It will probably challenge believers from all differing convictions (it did me) but it is very relevant and needed in this day of great division and hostile disagreement. This is a good book to read and to have on your shelf for future reference. It's also a good companion book to Gavin Ortlund's Finding the Right Hills to Die On: The Case for Theological Triage.
A few quotes -
"Outside the Christian community, one anticipates having biblical convictions contested or despised. Disagreement is unpleasant but expected. We know our beliefs about Christ and morality are not broadly shared in the American public square. Therefore, we expect conflicts and are equipped for it - or at the very least know we should be. But when our personal convictions are contested by fellow church members everything changes. We feel attacked from behind. It feels both unexpected and wrong! We assume our biblical convictions will be shared by those sitting on either side of us in church. If they doubt or deny our convictions we don't experience it as a mere difference of opinion but rather as a violation of an unspoken agreement. We are not merely intellectually challenged by a new idea or puzzled by a different viewpoint; we are hurt and offended.
This offense is not unique to the American church. As we've traveled internationally, we've heard the same concerns coming from church leaders in Canada, Indonesia, Kenya, Uganda, Korea, Lithuania, Russia, China, Romania, and England. It seems the challenges to Christianity are experienced worldwide and this isn't merely a modern struggle fueled by social media..." (3-4)
Christian author John Stott notes that when some think they 'smell heresy, their nose begins to twitch, their muscles ripple, and the light of battle enters their eye. They seem to enjoy nothing more than a fight.' (115) (quote from The Message of Ephesians. God's New Society, 172)
"Having taught communication theory for over twenty-five years, I've become convinced of one simple truth: how you talk about people privately is how you'll treat them publicly." (116)
A few quotes -
"Outside the Christian community, one anticipates having biblical convictions contested or despised. Disagreement is unpleasant but expected. We know our beliefs about Christ and morality are not broadly shared in the American public square. Therefore, we expect conflicts and are equipped for it - or at the very least know we should be. But when our personal convictions are contested by fellow church members everything changes. We feel attacked from behind. It feels both unexpected and wrong! We assume our biblical convictions will be shared by those sitting on either side of us in church. If they doubt or deny our convictions we don't experience it as a mere difference of opinion but rather as a violation of an unspoken agreement. We are not merely intellectually challenged by a new idea or puzzled by a different viewpoint; we are hurt and offended.
This offense is not unique to the American church. As we've traveled internationally, we've heard the same concerns coming from church leaders in Canada, Indonesia, Kenya, Uganda, Korea, Lithuania, Russia, China, Romania, and England. It seems the challenges to Christianity are experienced worldwide and this isn't merely a modern struggle fueled by social media..." (3-4)
Christian author John Stott notes that when some think they 'smell heresy, their nose begins to twitch, their muscles ripple, and the light of battle enters their eye. They seem to enjoy nothing more than a fight.' (115) (quote from The Message of Ephesians. God's New Society, 172)
"Having taught communication theory for over twenty-five years, I've become convinced of one simple truth: how you talk about people privately is how you'll treat them publicly." (116)
January 23, 2021
Winsome Conviction was not a quick read for me. Some of that was due to the way it was written and some to the content. Nonetheless, this book is certainly well worth the read. Currently we do not know how to disagree, and Winsome Conviction helps us understand how to do that, especially as Christians. This is a book that you should not only read, but then you should also keep it on your shelf as a helpful tool for future disagreements.
December 31, 2021
Practical approach to addressing conflicts among believers with lots of timely, real-world examples. The past few years have seen many moments where I have wondered how my fellow White evangelicals could possibly see things so differently. This book provided some helpful advice for examining and strengthening my own convictions to dialogue with them in a more God-honoring manner. Highly recommended for anyone who wants to move beyond entrenched, partisan talking points to mutual understanding.
February 3, 2022
If you enjoyed Ortlund’s Finding the Right Hills to Die On, this book serves well as a companion volume, addressing how Christians perceive their faith in Christ’s impact on common/secular issues. The lads make the case for a middle category between moral absolutes and subjective preferences: strong Christian convictions. If you’ve found yourself frustrated by Christians who differ with you on societal/political issues, I’d recommend giving this a peruse.
July 27, 2025
Genuinely such a good book! I am thankful for this book and the whole Winsome Conviction Project! Expounding on Romans 14 and many other passages in the Bible, as well as recounting history, sharing communication theory, and practical wisdom. I wish I could remember it all better and well! This will be a book that I will go to often!
This book has helped me form convictions on how Christians should have convictions and how they should interact with those who have different convictions. Church = Conflict, so this book is so helpful in giving a lens to this! One of my favorite books! Every Christian should read this!
This book has helped me form convictions on how Christians should have convictions and how they should interact with those who have different convictions. Church = Conflict, so this book is so helpful in giving a lens to this! One of my favorite books! Every Christian should read this!
June 29, 2023
This book was very timely for me, inviting me to reflection on my current church situation. I found myself wondering if we've achieved disagreement, or if we simply garnered misunderstanding. Can the authors' suggestions to seek the forgotten middle ground and to create fences rather than divisions be taken on and applied when it feels that we are all too deeply entrenched in our positions? Winsome Conviction is a thoughtful book that I will continue to think about.
November 29, 2025
Refreshing book of reconciliation & loving others we disagree with & seeking God first. I really like this books heart to help Christians to see peace with their neighbors instead of hiding away from the world in these dark times. This is a great way to interact with culture & yet live in the truth of the Bible. Would definitely recommend
January 10, 2022
A very helpful and needed book in our daily deeply churches and culture today. Practical, positive, and motivating are adjectives I would use to describe this book and I would highly recommend. I plan on re-reading again.
August 15, 2022
A book that should be in every pastor’s library and on every pastor’s desk.
April 20, 2023
A helpful and necessary topic in our time of division and disunity within the church, but was often hard to digest and repetitive.
July 15, 2024
A great treatment of the topic of Church unity and diversity. Along a similar vein as Fitch's "The Church of us vs. Them," the authors are scholar-practitioners who share real stories and helpful insights.
Most importantly, their focus is not so much on determining truth as it is deciding how important an issue is. Can different views coexist on a given topic, or would it be better to work separately? How can we ensure that we've understood someone before we disagree and divide?
Most importantly, their focus is not so much on determining truth as it is deciding how important an issue is. Can different views coexist on a given topic, or would it be better to work separately? How can we ensure that we've understood someone before we disagree and divide?
November 4, 2024
A must read!
November 9, 2025
Audiobook. Great primer on disagreeing well within the church.
June 1, 2023
Excellent and timely resource
November 15, 2021
The writing was clear, the tone was both generous and gentle, and the content is timely and ready for immediate application. I found language for many of the vague feelings I've had over the past 5 years. Thankful for these elder brothers and their efforts.
Quotes:
We believe the greatest threat to the church today is the same as it has been in every generation since the NT was written: quarreling. Persecution strengthens the church. Intellectual and cultural challenges deepen our faith... ethical commitments that conflict with culture make us stand out as salt and light... quarreling is insidiously dangerous because it kills from within.
Rom 14 - when Paul identifies disputable matters, he introduces a third category between moral absolutes and mere differences. He is pointing to matters where Christians can legitimately disagree regarding what is right or wrong.
We do not need to figure out who is right and who is wrong. There is room for two opinions. End of story.
We can conceive of many things as permissible that we would have a much harder time imagining as pleasing to the Lord.
Avoid judging the strong and offending the weak. Paul uses the labels weak and strong in almost exactly the opposite fashion than they are commonly used today.
Most political positions are not matters of biblical command but of practical wisdom... the Bible does not give exact answers to these questions for every time, place, and culture.
There is a tendency in (churches) for the majority view to become the only view expressed, especially when the leader shares the majority view.
Christian disputes about convictions are easily supercharged with transcendent significance. Christians are invested in their convictions and see them as an expression of their personal devotion to God, not merely as an expression of personal preference.
Confessional beliefs (Jesus is Lord) are derived from the theological commands of Scripture and focus on belief; moral mandates (love your neighbor as yourself) are derived from the commands of Scripture and focus on action. Moral mandates, as we use the term here, tend to be few in number and broad in application. People tend to agree about the values themselves, but tend to disagree on how the values should be prioritized. In short, values are the place a common starting point leads to different endpoints.
The conviction spectrum is a movement from the definition of the faith to the expression of the faith - a movement from beliefs to actions. A well-formed Christian faith simply requires both.
Our interactions with one another (should) lead to better-formed personal convictions for each individual. The goal is not to produce a single accepted conviction for the entire group. What is really important is to work our confessional beliefs all the way out to specific guidelines of conduct. A fully fortmed faith demands expression in tangible works done within the circumstances in which God has providentially placed us.
The circumstances that justify separations are extremely rare. Ordinarily, the goal is that we agree in the Lord and continue to work together... (however) it is clear that all separations are not created equal and that in some cases, it may very well be possible that separating coworkers for the sake of carrying out complementary missions is actually the best way forward. Separation is permissible and at times is necessary, and when separation is called for, one should choose the least disruptive options.
UNTIL WE CAN STATE EACH OTHER'S OPINIONS IN A MANNER RECOGNIZABLE TO OUR OPPONENTS, WE HAVE NOT ACTUALLY DISCOVERED IF WE HAVE A REAL CONFLICT OR SIMPLY A MISUNDERSTANDING.
The conviction spectrum does not eliminate disagreements but rather locates and clarifies our disagreements. The goal is that appreciating the common ground lays a foundation for respecting differing convictions. This opens the door to further conversations and hopefully to respectful compromises...
All of human development can be summed up as the process of learning we are not the sole protagonist in the story - other people exist. (Nicole Roccas)
One of the most complex truths of communication is our perception of people and events determines our reality. Once created, our perception is extremely difficult to change.
Perceptions are formed through:
Categorization
-We receive 5x more info in one day than people did in 1986, so we use mental tools to cut corners.
Characterization
Correction
-How often do we intentionally allow people a chance to directly address our characterizations of them?
The definition of the situation:
1) What beliefs do I have about myself?
2) what do I believe about the other person?
3) What are we trying to do together?
Robin Dunbar concluded that the human brain has a cognitive limit of how many acquaintances we can cultivate at one time: 150.
A 2015 study from BYU found that being disconnected from groups or communities was as detrimental to our overall health as obesity or smoking.
Overestimate groupthink. Especially on the internet.
- First, why talk to an expert when we can google hundreds of experts?
- Second, over time our internet searches start to shape our searches with similar results and sources, limiting our scope of knowledge rather than enhancing it.
- This can fuel a false sense of confidence. Overestimating the resources of your group paves the way to the most dangerous aspect of groupthink - closedmindedness.
Groupthink occurs when dissenting positions are no longer presented because everyone assumes they are in lockstep with each other.
One of the key mistakes we make about communication is thinking it only exists on one level - our content. However, communication theorists understand that the relational level - amount of respect, compassion, and acknowledgement - determines if the content can be received. Paul acknowledges both levels when he exhorts us to "speaking the truth (content) in love (relational)" (Eph 4.15).
No one is heard but everyone is talking. This is the cycle we are hoping to break. Sitting and listening to someone does not validate their position; it simply respects their humanity - and just as importantly, it prods them to respect your humanity as well. To refuse to listen is to refuse to love, and refusing to love is not an option.
We do not offer civility as a replacement for advocacy.
5 rules:
1) Our duty to be civil toward others does not depend on whether we like them or not.
2) We must come into the presence of our fellow human beings with a sense of awe and gratitude.
3) Civility requires that we listen to others with knowledge of the possibility that they are right and we are wrong.
4) Civility requires that we express ourselves in ways that demonstrate our respect for others.
5) religions do their greatest service to civility when they preach not only love of neighbor but resistance to wrong.
Some problems have to be managed rather than solved. (The techniques in this book) will not make tensions in the body go away, but rather, they are designed to help the body of Christ keep functioning despite the fact that there are chronic pains. In effect, we are offering physical therapy instead of amputation as a solution of joint pain.
Achieving a misunderstanding is much more common than achieving a real disagreement. The easiest way to test the accuracy of a perception of a conflict is to ask a person to state the position of the other side. Unless and until you can state the opinion of the other side in a way that makes them nod their heads and say, "Yes - you get it! You get me!" you have failed to achieve disagreement.
Honestly, our biggest problem is not the lack of common ground but rather our preoccupation with our differences - a preoccupation that makes us slow to acknowledge common ground and even slower to make something of it.
Biblical love has a direction - it always moves us toward the good and toward God. Love is a mighty river whose current pulls people toward God-appointed ends. That's why Jesus so strongly associates love with obedience. Biblical love is also love for the church - for the body of Christ as a whole. We are called to a self-sacrificing love that is willing to limit our own personal expression of freedom for the sake of our brother or sister.
As a corrective to quarrelling, the pastoral epistles focus on the attitude a leader is to bring to disagreements far more than it does to the content of disagreements themselves.
Whereas wrath is rooted in pride, the strength of gentleness and the steadfastness of love in the face of adversity are rooted in a deep trust in God to handle things.
CS Lewis: humility is not thinking of oneness as lowly or worthless; it is much more like a self-forgetfulness. If you were to meet a truly humble person, he would be "a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him... he will not be thinking about humility. He will not be thinking about himself at all."
We believe humility is important, because politics and policy making are complicated, and the history of public policy is full of unintended consequences and misplaced priorities. We refuse to put the stamp of religious authority on prudential policy decisions. We hold convictions about what is best in our politics, but we hold these views with the understanding that we might be wrong. Politicians and others in politics should entertain that notion as well.
It is exactly because we are confident in our beliefs that we do not need to be harsh in defending them.
(In the church) we actually have so little tolerance for political disagreements that we eliminate room and patience for the kinds of conversion and growth we hope to see.
It is said that the price of peace is eternal vigilance, and this is as true of war and peace between nations as it is between group[s of fellow believers with conflicting convictions. We have abundant common ground with all who have a saving faith in Christ; the call to be peacemakers requires us to tend that ground with unwavering vigilance.
Questions to seek understanding:
- When did you first start to think this way?
- What defining events, relationships, or life experiences crystalized your thinking about this issue?
- What emotions surface when you think about this issue?
Fences make better playgrounds.
If someone else's convictions don't make sense, it's probably because you don't understand either their backstory or the conviction itself. Your first goal is to understand. Be curious, investigate, and ask questions that you really are interested in getting to answer to. Don't ram them. Be a chimp, not a rhino.
Upon Jesus' authority he gives the world the right to judge whether you and I are born-again Christians on the basis of our observable love toward all Christians. (Schaeffer)
Quotes:
We believe the greatest threat to the church today is the same as it has been in every generation since the NT was written: quarreling. Persecution strengthens the church. Intellectual and cultural challenges deepen our faith... ethical commitments that conflict with culture make us stand out as salt and light... quarreling is insidiously dangerous because it kills from within.
Rom 14 - when Paul identifies disputable matters, he introduces a third category between moral absolutes and mere differences. He is pointing to matters where Christians can legitimately disagree regarding what is right or wrong.
We do not need to figure out who is right and who is wrong. There is room for two opinions. End of story.
We can conceive of many things as permissible that we would have a much harder time imagining as pleasing to the Lord.
Avoid judging the strong and offending the weak. Paul uses the labels weak and strong in almost exactly the opposite fashion than they are commonly used today.
Most political positions are not matters of biblical command but of practical wisdom... the Bible does not give exact answers to these questions for every time, place, and culture.
There is a tendency in (churches) for the majority view to become the only view expressed, especially when the leader shares the majority view.
Christian disputes about convictions are easily supercharged with transcendent significance. Christians are invested in their convictions and see them as an expression of their personal devotion to God, not merely as an expression of personal preference.
Confessional beliefs (Jesus is Lord) are derived from the theological commands of Scripture and focus on belief; moral mandates (love your neighbor as yourself) are derived from the commands of Scripture and focus on action. Moral mandates, as we use the term here, tend to be few in number and broad in application. People tend to agree about the values themselves, but tend to disagree on how the values should be prioritized. In short, values are the place a common starting point leads to different endpoints.
The conviction spectrum is a movement from the definition of the faith to the expression of the faith - a movement from beliefs to actions. A well-formed Christian faith simply requires both.
Our interactions with one another (should) lead to better-formed personal convictions for each individual. The goal is not to produce a single accepted conviction for the entire group. What is really important is to work our confessional beliefs all the way out to specific guidelines of conduct. A fully fortmed faith demands expression in tangible works done within the circumstances in which God has providentially placed us.
The circumstances that justify separations are extremely rare. Ordinarily, the goal is that we agree in the Lord and continue to work together... (however) it is clear that all separations are not created equal and that in some cases, it may very well be possible that separating coworkers for the sake of carrying out complementary missions is actually the best way forward. Separation is permissible and at times is necessary, and when separation is called for, one should choose the least disruptive options.
UNTIL WE CAN STATE EACH OTHER'S OPINIONS IN A MANNER RECOGNIZABLE TO OUR OPPONENTS, WE HAVE NOT ACTUALLY DISCOVERED IF WE HAVE A REAL CONFLICT OR SIMPLY A MISUNDERSTANDING.
The conviction spectrum does not eliminate disagreements but rather locates and clarifies our disagreements. The goal is that appreciating the common ground lays a foundation for respecting differing convictions. This opens the door to further conversations and hopefully to respectful compromises...
All of human development can be summed up as the process of learning we are not the sole protagonist in the story - other people exist. (Nicole Roccas)
One of the most complex truths of communication is our perception of people and events determines our reality. Once created, our perception is extremely difficult to change.
Perceptions are formed through:
Categorization
-We receive 5x more info in one day than people did in 1986, so we use mental tools to cut corners.
Characterization
Correction
-How often do we intentionally allow people a chance to directly address our characterizations of them?
The definition of the situation:
1) What beliefs do I have about myself?
2) what do I believe about the other person?
3) What are we trying to do together?
Robin Dunbar concluded that the human brain has a cognitive limit of how many acquaintances we can cultivate at one time: 150.
A 2015 study from BYU found that being disconnected from groups or communities was as detrimental to our overall health as obesity or smoking.
Overestimate groupthink. Especially on the internet.
- First, why talk to an expert when we can google hundreds of experts?
- Second, over time our internet searches start to shape our searches with similar results and sources, limiting our scope of knowledge rather than enhancing it.
- This can fuel a false sense of confidence. Overestimating the resources of your group paves the way to the most dangerous aspect of groupthink - closedmindedness.
Groupthink occurs when dissenting positions are no longer presented because everyone assumes they are in lockstep with each other.
One of the key mistakes we make about communication is thinking it only exists on one level - our content. However, communication theorists understand that the relational level - amount of respect, compassion, and acknowledgement - determines if the content can be received. Paul acknowledges both levels when he exhorts us to "speaking the truth (content) in love (relational)" (Eph 4.15).
No one is heard but everyone is talking. This is the cycle we are hoping to break. Sitting and listening to someone does not validate their position; it simply respects their humanity - and just as importantly, it prods them to respect your humanity as well. To refuse to listen is to refuse to love, and refusing to love is not an option.
We do not offer civility as a replacement for advocacy.
5 rules:
1) Our duty to be civil toward others does not depend on whether we like them or not.
2) We must come into the presence of our fellow human beings with a sense of awe and gratitude.
3) Civility requires that we listen to others with knowledge of the possibility that they are right and we are wrong.
4) Civility requires that we express ourselves in ways that demonstrate our respect for others.
5) religions do their greatest service to civility when they preach not only love of neighbor but resistance to wrong.
Some problems have to be managed rather than solved. (The techniques in this book) will not make tensions in the body go away, but rather, they are designed to help the body of Christ keep functioning despite the fact that there are chronic pains. In effect, we are offering physical therapy instead of amputation as a solution of joint pain.
Achieving a misunderstanding is much more common than achieving a real disagreement. The easiest way to test the accuracy of a perception of a conflict is to ask a person to state the position of the other side. Unless and until you can state the opinion of the other side in a way that makes them nod their heads and say, "Yes - you get it! You get me!" you have failed to achieve disagreement.
Honestly, our biggest problem is not the lack of common ground but rather our preoccupation with our differences - a preoccupation that makes us slow to acknowledge common ground and even slower to make something of it.
Biblical love has a direction - it always moves us toward the good and toward God. Love is a mighty river whose current pulls people toward God-appointed ends. That's why Jesus so strongly associates love with obedience. Biblical love is also love for the church - for the body of Christ as a whole. We are called to a self-sacrificing love that is willing to limit our own personal expression of freedom for the sake of our brother or sister.
As a corrective to quarrelling, the pastoral epistles focus on the attitude a leader is to bring to disagreements far more than it does to the content of disagreements themselves.
Whereas wrath is rooted in pride, the strength of gentleness and the steadfastness of love in the face of adversity are rooted in a deep trust in God to handle things.
CS Lewis: humility is not thinking of oneness as lowly or worthless; it is much more like a self-forgetfulness. If you were to meet a truly humble person, he would be "a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him... he will not be thinking about humility. He will not be thinking about himself at all."
We believe humility is important, because politics and policy making are complicated, and the history of public policy is full of unintended consequences and misplaced priorities. We refuse to put the stamp of religious authority on prudential policy decisions. We hold convictions about what is best in our politics, but we hold these views with the understanding that we might be wrong. Politicians and others in politics should entertain that notion as well.
It is exactly because we are confident in our beliefs that we do not need to be harsh in defending them.
(In the church) we actually have so little tolerance for political disagreements that we eliminate room and patience for the kinds of conversion and growth we hope to see.
It is said that the price of peace is eternal vigilance, and this is as true of war and peace between nations as it is between group[s of fellow believers with conflicting convictions. We have abundant common ground with all who have a saving faith in Christ; the call to be peacemakers requires us to tend that ground with unwavering vigilance.
Questions to seek understanding:
- When did you first start to think this way?
- What defining events, relationships, or life experiences crystalized your thinking about this issue?
- What emotions surface when you think about this issue?
Fences make better playgrounds.
If someone else's convictions don't make sense, it's probably because you don't understand either their backstory or the conviction itself. Your first goal is to understand. Be curious, investigate, and ask questions that you really are interested in getting to answer to. Don't ram them. Be a chimp, not a rhino.
Upon Jesus' authority he gives the world the right to judge whether you and I are born-again Christians on the basis of our observable love toward all Christians. (Schaeffer)
March 24, 2021
Fantastic read! Easily the best book I’ve recently encountered in practical theology. The sub-heading “disagreeing without dividing the church” is aptly titled. Our convictions have a story and our aim is to evaluate and examine how those convictions developed, then “thicken” those convictions for the glory of Christ. Better yet, we need to learn to ask questions, to learn how convictions are formed in the lives of those we interact with on a regular basis.
There was so much I appreciated from this book. It provided a helpful way to personally evaluate my own convictions, and certainly helped prepare me to become more aware of past experiences where convictions may have potentially clashed and caused unnecessary division in the church.
This is a book I anticipate reading several times. Not because I failed to understand it the first time, but because it was so well written (Tim & Richard are great communicators and insert helpful anecdotes when needed), but because I want to reinforce so many of these helpful conviction forming principles.
There was so much I appreciated from this book. It provided a helpful way to personally evaluate my own convictions, and certainly helped prepare me to become more aware of past experiences where convictions may have potentially clashed and caused unnecessary division in the church.
This is a book I anticipate reading several times. Not because I failed to understand it the first time, but because it was so well written (Tim & Richard are great communicators and insert helpful anecdotes when needed), but because I want to reinforce so many of these helpful conviction forming principles.
November 1, 2024
Easily one of the best written, most compelling, and most applicable books I've read in my life. I would unapologetically say that this is a must-read for every believer in Christ in our current, tumultuous and divisive day.
The book is laid out so well by methodically revealing the various problems that we face, some which we probably were more aware of than others. For instance, the authors talk about the fact that when our convictions conflict with each other within the church it "hits" differently because we would expect to have unbelievers hold different positions than we do, but when we are pulling our strong felt from the same Scriptures it's hard to handle that someone "on our team" would essentially feel like they're against us.
"Winsome Conviction" brings you through a process of discovering how convictions are meant to be developed and handled (as well as precisely how they can so easily get off track). Then we're invited to see why so much disunity and unhelpful arguing and disagreement can happen. In fact, one of my biggest takeaways from the book is the repeated invitation they make to seek disagreement with those who see things differently than we do. What they mean is that we often just have misunderstanding, which is entirely unhelpful in resolving anything. So long as each other's positions are actually being muddied or misrepresented there's no real hope of moving forward in any healthy or productive way. Instead, you need to seek disagreement, where you've done the work to actually understand each other's positions in a way that you'd both agree "Yes, that's what I believe." And then you can start to actually move ahead in a fruitful way.
There is so much more I could praise about this book. How they address groupthink, our propensity for being quick to speak and slow to listen, and how Christians can and absolutely must regain a truly Christian approach to disagreements. As the authors point out, quarreling and mishandling disagreements has been--since the very start of the New Testament church--the most precarious element to the health and prosperity of the Church. And I can't think of a time where the gracious exhortations of this book are more timely to realign Christians towards the grace-filled unity God calls His Church to be known for than the time we currently find ourselves in.
The book is laid out so well by methodically revealing the various problems that we face, some which we probably were more aware of than others. For instance, the authors talk about the fact that when our convictions conflict with each other within the church it "hits" differently because we would expect to have unbelievers hold different positions than we do, but when we are pulling our strong felt from the same Scriptures it's hard to handle that someone "on our team" would essentially feel like they're against us.
"Winsome Conviction" brings you through a process of discovering how convictions are meant to be developed and handled (as well as precisely how they can so easily get off track). Then we're invited to see why so much disunity and unhelpful arguing and disagreement can happen. In fact, one of my biggest takeaways from the book is the repeated invitation they make to seek disagreement with those who see things differently than we do. What they mean is that we often just have misunderstanding, which is entirely unhelpful in resolving anything. So long as each other's positions are actually being muddied or misrepresented there's no real hope of moving forward in any healthy or productive way. Instead, you need to seek disagreement, where you've done the work to actually understand each other's positions in a way that you'd both agree "Yes, that's what I believe." And then you can start to actually move ahead in a fruitful way.
There is so much more I could praise about this book. How they address groupthink, our propensity for being quick to speak and slow to listen, and how Christians can and absolutely must regain a truly Christian approach to disagreements. As the authors point out, quarreling and mishandling disagreements has been--since the very start of the New Testament church--the most precarious element to the health and prosperity of the Church. And I can't think of a time where the gracious exhortations of this book are more timely to realign Christians towards the grace-filled unity God calls His Church to be known for than the time we currently find ourselves in.
May 7, 2024
Tim Muehlhoff is concerned about the level of divisiveness in America and the cracks in our unity. He contends that one of the main causes for this discord is how we think about our convictions. “The reason we fight with each other, and often believe the worst about each other, is that we form convictions about things for which we care deeply. Unfortunately, we all care deeply about different things,” said Muehlhoff. “And even when we care about the same things, we often see these things differently and commit to different courses of action. If we are going to live together, we will need to moderate our convictions.”
And Muehlhoff says that is also part of the problem because convictions are about moral absolutes.
“In life we encounter two types of issues: absolutes and preferences. It is important that we distinguish these two,” said Muehlhoff. “Convictions are what we have about absolutes, and preferences are what we have about matters of taste.” If something is merely a preference, we should just live and let live and not argue about it. On the other hand, there are moral issues and we should form convictions about these issues, and we should follow our convictions. The big take away from Muehlhoff is that he does not believe that strong convictions cause incivility. Instead, poorly formed convictions cause incivility.
In many cases, Muehlhoff thinks we should reexamine what is really a conviction and what is in the realm of disputable matters. That is difficult, even in church settings, when not everyone agrees on all matters of conviction or even what is a disputable matter.
“It is not enough to merely consider the formation of convictions. We must also learn how to have productive conversations about our convictions,” said Muehlhoff.
And Muehlhoff says that is also part of the problem because convictions are about moral absolutes.
“In life we encounter two types of issues: absolutes and preferences. It is important that we distinguish these two,” said Muehlhoff. “Convictions are what we have about absolutes, and preferences are what we have about matters of taste.” If something is merely a preference, we should just live and let live and not argue about it. On the other hand, there are moral issues and we should form convictions about these issues, and we should follow our convictions. The big take away from Muehlhoff is that he does not believe that strong convictions cause incivility. Instead, poorly formed convictions cause incivility.
In many cases, Muehlhoff thinks we should reexamine what is really a conviction and what is in the realm of disputable matters. That is difficult, even in church settings, when not everyone agrees on all matters of conviction or even what is a disputable matter.
“It is not enough to merely consider the formation of convictions. We must also learn how to have productive conversations about our convictions,” said Muehlhoff.
December 20, 2023
I appreciated that this book came down to the basics of why we disagree and what to do when it may come to either primary or secondary issues of the Christian faith. Although I listened to this as an audiobook and found some interesting sound bytes, I would probably prefer to reread it again visually so that I can take better notes and spend more time thinking through personal convictions. My favourite part of this book was that it involved stories of disagreement where you could see the disagreements unfolding before your eyes. The story about tattoos still resonates with me after finishing the book, which the Gospel Coalition shares about in more detail. Learning about people's cultural contexts, along with possible spiritual connotations, biblical applications, and even personal struggles all provide a pathway toward clarity and enhanced understanding.
In addition to an individual understanding of how best to relate to other Christians with different convictions, the authors make a compelling argument for conviction mapping in group contexts so as to avoid misunderstandings that lead to greater conflicts. It is interesting that in a postmodern society where things are supposed to be relativistic that many still hold to black-and-white thinking. This can be evident in political arguments, church splits, and more. What the authors help to do is to bring Christians back together into a state of understanding, first by being open, and second by knowing how to approach issues. If there's a book that can help with interpersonal relations when tensions are fraught, Winsome Conviction would be a handy resource.
Review link: https://christianshelves.blogspot.com...
In addition to an individual understanding of how best to relate to other Christians with different convictions, the authors make a compelling argument for conviction mapping in group contexts so as to avoid misunderstandings that lead to greater conflicts. It is interesting that in a postmodern society where things are supposed to be relativistic that many still hold to black-and-white thinking. This can be evident in political arguments, church splits, and more. What the authors help to do is to bring Christians back together into a state of understanding, first by being open, and second by knowing how to approach issues. If there's a book that can help with interpersonal relations when tensions are fraught, Winsome Conviction would be a handy resource.
Review link: https://christianshelves.blogspot.com...
July 4, 2025
This is a very helpful resource on navigating our convictions. Where Gavin Ortlund's book Finding the Right Hills to Die On focuses on more technical matters of where and how to layer specific issues, this book focuses more on us and how we navigate differing convictions in general. The latter half of the book was most helpful in terms of practically addressing convictions, and the book gave more of what I was seeking in the Ortlund book, specifically humility and our heart-approach (Ortlund covered these as well, just in less detail).
My one complaint about the book is that it gave a substantial amount of attention to navigating political issues, and I was seeking something more primarily focused on theological convictions. The examples and discussion were good and helpful, just became more than I wanted by the end. If you're seeking a book that delves into political issues while keeping a theological focus, this is a good one.
I would love to see a tightened version of this book that maintained the theological sections, because those were excellent when they came.
Definitely a 4.5 book.
My one complaint about the book is that it gave a substantial amount of attention to navigating political issues, and I was seeking something more primarily focused on theological convictions. The examples and discussion were good and helpful, just became more than I wanted by the end. If you're seeking a book that delves into political issues while keeping a theological focus, this is a good one.
I would love to see a tightened version of this book that maintained the theological sections, because those were excellent when they came.
Definitely a 4.5 book.
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