How to Be Accountable: Take Responsibility to Change Your Behavior, Boundaries, and Relationships

by Joe Biel, Faith G. Harper

Accountability means accepting responsibility for your actions and repairing any harm you have done. This workbook can be used by anyone who is ready to do the work to change toxic behaviors and patterns, from quitting smoking to atoning for abuse or crimes. At its heart, accountability is understanding that your actions do not always have the impact that you intend. Sometimes this is as simple as getting to know yourself and apologizing. Sometimes it’s a years-long process to recognize the motivations and behaviors that you see inside yourself and feel like you have no control over. Ultimately, accountability is something we each must choose for ourselves; nobody else can do it for us. The results can be unexpected and transformative, and improve your friendships, relationships, work, and community; most of all it's about coming to peace with yourself. The authors share tough lessons learned through many years of personal and professional experience. This workbook will walk you through your own head to understand your own patterns and behaviors, untangle them, and live the kind of life you want.

Genres: Self Help, Audiobook, Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships, Personal Development, Mental Health

164 pages, Kindle Edition

Published October 13, 2020

About the author

Joe Biel is a writer, activist, journalist, filmmaker, and publisher. He is the founder and co-owner of Microcosm Publishing and co-founder of the Portland Zine Symposium. He often tours the U.S. with his books and films. He has been featured in the Utne Reader, Portland Mercury, Oregonian, Broken Pencil, Readymade, and Bicycle Times.

Reviews

[K · Rating 2 out of 5]

Umm it started off strong then went off the rails. The flow was so confusing, it lacked enough concrete steps for building accountability, and spent more time bashing "cancel culture." But the main issue with the book was it was just SO WHITE. White methods of communication, white examples (for ex, talking about trauma of being in military versus DYING A THE HANDS OF US IMPERIALISM in the same section), and just condescending at some points, especially when they mentioned Creative Interventions. You are so much better off just engaging the work of Mia Mingus, Incite, Creative Interventions, etc etc.

[Elizabeth · Rating 1 out of 5]

Any book that's attempting to give you life advice needs to come from a source that has some expertise and excellence in that particular subject matter. I don't think that's a revolutionary idea or a hot take. You wouldn't take advice about cooking from the winner of a horrible chef competition, or get driving lessons from someone who's lost their driver's license because of multiple infractions.

With that in mind, you also probably should not take accountability advice from someone who has not only zero accountability for his own actions, but who blames others for them. (The author literally sued someone for telling the truth about his behavior. The suit was thrown out because it was clearly not valid.)

Frankly, anything this author says on the subject of accountability is immediately suspect in my eyes as it's clearly *not* an area with which he's even passingly familiar. It's not just a matter of having zero expertise in it; it's that his own behavior runs entirely counter to his own advice. Do as I say, not as I do. There's just no credibility.

There are many books out there on this subject that are written by people with actual integrity. Nathaniel Branden's "Taking Responsibility: Self-Reliance and the Accountable Life" comes to mind, as does Harriet Lerner's "Why Won't You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts" (written by an actual psychologist).

I would strongly urge you to read one of those, and avoid this one. There's just no reason, in an age where information from valid sources is plentiful, to waste your time and energy on advice from people who have no idea what they're talking about.

[Jenna Freedman · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didn't read the book. I'm just here to encourage people considering it to research the author and his own history with accountability processes and frivolous lawsuits.

[Pontus Enander · Rating 4 out of 5]

Four or five stars? This is a great book and it deserves its stars and to be read, but it’s also a tough book. It’s not just polished accountability on the surface for show. This goes deep and at times I felt the book was brutally honest and to the point, meaning it took quite a lot of energy and emotionality to process it.

In the Unfuck books by Faith G Harper some smaller portions are reused. I wondered at first whether I thought it was annoying but soon realized it was little enough to instead enjoy it as good repetition. Having gone through a number of those books now I’d say that “Unfuck your brain...”, “Unfuck your boundaries...” and this book “How to be accountable...” makes a, maybe not holy but heavy trinity. Fuck, it’s tough! But also... Fuck, it’s useful!

[Bethany Woodcock · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was hoping that this book would help me, but I was left disappointed. The first half was purely case studies on how trauma can excuse your behaviour. Basically, the exact opposite of what I expected. The second half was critiquing peoples political opinions on the internet, and how everybody is stupid.

The author is also severely lacking in self awareness. They spoke in detail about group think and how it can affect biases, but then literally participate in this themselves. They quote an author, but then tries to read into it saying “actually they’re an awful person because….”. Like, you just did the thing you said people shouldn’t do, and then labels people who reads their work as ‘dumb shits’.

Unfortunately I expected something more helpful, however it had a severe political leaning that wasn’t appropriate for the topic.

[Gijs Limonard · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good not great, pretty generic, it all comes down to agency in interpersonal interactions; are you an agent or - through whatever process that shaped your behaviour in the past- a re-agent; it's called the dreaded drama triangle (or Karpman's triangle); victim-persecutor-saviour; a highly reactive form of going about living and getting what you want; fortunately there is a positive active (non reactive) counterpart that is worth your attention: Choy's winner's triangle; creator-challenger-coach.

[Daina · Rating 2 out of 5]

It is difficult to rate a self-help book. There were some useful tools, but it generally lacked in concrete steps/tools overall. The flow was also confusing. I am glad that I didn't spend money on this book.

[Alex · Rating 5 out of 5]

Book #14 was How to Be Accountable, and it was rad af. Honestly I recommend this book to *e v e r y o n e* bc there's not a single person that this book wouldn't benefit.
Want to be better at communication with your friends? With your work? With your lover? With your enemy? Well, boyhowdy this book is for you!!

This book was simultaneously an easy and hard read. Once I picked it up, I couldn't put it down...bit damn of it didn't show me some things I need to work on. It also validated some experiences I went through, but it's tough when old emotions get dug up. It's tough to look at yourself or even a past relationship and think about the strain caused due to miscommunication.

Accountability can often feel like an attack because it's hard to remove ourselves from the biases that we carry. It's a lot of hard and consistent work.

One of my favorite parts of the book talks about the 4 levels of #communication:
1. What we mean to say
2. What we *actually* say
3. What the other person hears
4. What the other person *thinks* you mean

It's important to consider in any conversation being held. Are we imposing certain expectations on to someone? Are we being clear with our words? Is there room for improvement?

This book also deals with conflict resolution, which is SO important bc we tend to shirk away from uncomfortable feelings.

Anyways, I can't say enough good things about this book. If there's one book you read this year, make it this one.

[Anthony · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve been toting this book around in my backpack for at least three years. The very first sentence in the book knocked me on my ass and I put it down, but not away.

Here I am seeing the same old issues in my life affecting me, despite my best intentions.

I’m glad I finally finished it and can see how blaringly my inability to observe my own accountability and present steps (and a workbook) to help start change that behavior. It also helped me to recognize how my lack of accountability plays a hand with other people not doing their share of accountability. Nobody is perfect, and we all make mistakes; but nothing changes if nothing changes.

I want all the people in my life to read a book like this and also marginalized voices who have also wrote on this topic and go and take deep looks into themselves and have conversations with themselves and me in which we perform heartfelt atonement for that which we did not mean to do- but still did; and practice the skills of accountability and forgive each other and feel very vulnerable and present in that moment. This book allowed me to recognize that is not a pipe dream, and if that is what I want out of life, it is up to me to surround myself with people who hear that and also want that for themselves.

Edit- reading further into other people’s reviews it seems that the author is problematic- which doesn’t surprise me. I realize my accountability isn’t contained to one book. I will continue to diversify my intake on this topic.

[Zen Lara · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel like as a introduction and primer this can dip your toe into some concepts of accountability, but I found it challenging to connect this to broader foundational ideas that relate to the kind of accountability the subtitle made me expect.

If you struggle deeply with defensiveness and needing to be right, this is a good start but please don’t let this be the only book you read. It’s simultaneously too basic and skips important things.

The Creative Interventions Toolkit mentioned in passing in one paragraph and practically dismissed is available for free online in English and Spanish and each section of its nearly 600 pages can be read on its own. (It’s 600 pages of mostly workbook pages is not as daunting if you take what you need and leave the rest)

I’d also recommend Turn this world inside out by Nora Samaran.

I think the co-writing between the authors was awkward. It felt very strange to have the sections that mostly talk about trauma and therapy to still be written in Joes primary voice when it’s the area of expertise of Faith Harper. If you think about picking this book up because you are familiar with Faiths work, I felt Joe throughout more than Faith, and some of his ways of writing I found grating.

I am grateful that this book signals an appetite for more accessible texts on accountability for the everyday person.

[Amber Frost · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars rounded down

I found this book very insightful and informative to not only my everyday experience but to also help empower those I work with (as a social worker / mental health support worker).

I enjoyed the mixture of psychology, science, religious and holistic / spiritual elements of this book, it engaged different teachings and findings from different areas that I haven't explored before and probably wouldn't have come across if not reading this.

Some criticisms for the book and why I rounded down to 3 stars were some aspects, ironically, felt as though they failed to take accountability for themselves - at times it felt a bit paedophilia/abuse/other gross things sympathiser-ish but on the other hand I think it sparked interesting conversation to be had around - when do we accept someone's wrongdoings happened over 2+ decades ago and have to have a healthy conversation surrounding these topics.

I'm glad I read it, it will definitely inform my practice but reading other reviews and doing research there seems to be some hypocrisy and unreliability from the author.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to the Audible audiobook which is free for subscribers. The content and information in this book generally sounded very good but I wouldn’t recommend it in audiobook format. There were too many lists and acronyms that I forgot as soon as hearing them, and there weren’t enough illustrative examples of these accountability processes in action. I would like to read a printed copy of this some day and I see that they have also published a workbook which is probably a much more effective way to engage with this topic. Overall - good content but unsuited to the audiobook format, and too reliant on dispensing lists of information (which is a pet peeve of mine in personal development books - I don’t find it effective). A really good intro and overview of the accountability topic though.

[Nicolle M. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Do not believe the back cover. This book will NOT help you quit smoking.

I’m giving it 3 stars despite its failure in helping me quit cigarettes because I imagine it is helpful to people struggling with other things. There are some useful insights in here but it’s hard to escape how fundamentally blind the author is to his own biases. This is written for leftists, and I hope they read it, but it’s pretty off-putting to centrists in his examples. There are plenty of examples from both ends of the political spectrum to cast blame about, but this one is firmly slanted against conservatives. I did appreciate his stance on how useless cancel culture is. But again, I doubt this book will help anyone quit smoking.

[Brittany · Rating 3 out of 5]

"If you spend a year stealing everyone's lunch at work, simply ceasing to pilfer those lunches isn't going to repair that trust. You need to address the exact nature of your wrongs. You need to genuinely apologize without justifying your behavior - 'I'm sorry, I didn't have any money for lunch, so I stole yours' is the opposite of an apology, it's a justification, it's a doubling-down against their hurt feelings. A real apology contains remorse, followed by silence and changed behavior...It's less about telling others how we've changed than it is about acknowledging our wrong-doing and making a resolution to work on ourselves."

[Samantha Enz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is extremely well written and has tons of useful information about holding both yourself and others accountable to your/their values. Joe and Faith do a great job of taking what could be a boring or holier-than-thou topic and make it engaging and fun to read. There are so many good tips on how to deal with people, such as what constitutes an actual apology, that I would recommend this book to everyone.

[Dunstan Ayodele · Rating 5 out of 5]

Accountability is our responsibility. We must choose to hold ourselves accountable. The authors help us understand the meaning, principles and practices of accountability through their personal and professional journeys to help us live the life we want.

[Daniel B · Rating 4 out of 5]

I did enjoy this book. It wasn't what expected. Felt very similar to the other books in the humble bundle it was included. Written in a very light casual tone. It touches with solutions to cancel culture, which is brilliant.

[Meg]

DNF at 44%. A bit too lofty and abstract to hold my attention.

[Tim Rueb · Rating 2 out of 5]

A couple of tools I thought were useful, but generally not worth the time to listen to. Glad I didn't pay for this book as it was in the Audible Plus library.

[Dee’s Cozy Corner Brown · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good reference.

[Tony Creech · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some helpful stuff.
a better criticism might come when I have time.

[Yowita · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was genuinely surprised that I liked this book. Did not expect much, but I read it in one sitting and I am so grateful for many good remarks.

[Eliza Bearden-Spreitzer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book, and the examples the authors provided!

[cypher · Rating 3 out of 5]

another book where the author blames behaviour on trauma.
also, not a big fan of the 'let's remove more consequences so people can feel more comfortable taking accountability a bit more' approach, but the author does not insist much on it, or 'blame others not yourself' (ironically, in the context of accountability), like what you saw in your family.
"why is accountability difficult?" partially "the brain" and "the brain's tendency" - no. i think it's ego and personal values.
otherwise, ok.
the point about core values being violated is an interesting perspective to have, any conflict can help one label other people faster through the identification of the “core value” which was violated, almost as if we have an ordered personal values list, a ranked list, where some are more important than others and the more important ones being violated will trigger conflicts faster or of bigger scale.

[Valerie Ott · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was disappointed in his book. The topic is so unique under represented that it could’ve been great. But instead, the first half felt like a psychological textbook. The second half felt like a deep dive into an Alcoholics Anonymous manual.
I wanted to like this book, because I wanted to hold myself accountable for the parts of myself that I do not like. I kept asking “how?” in this book, because that was the part that was missing.

[Tegan | Snakes Don't Wear Braces · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very simply presented but also highlyaccurate and useful, I loved this book as an audiobook so much that I am going to purchaseit in hardcopy too. Fave quote: "You are not responsible for your first thought, but you are responsible for your second thought and your first behaviour"