Nothing Will Be Different: A Memoir

by Tara McGowan-Ross

Hilary Weston Writers’ Trust Prize for Nonfiction 2022 ― Shortlisted

A neurotic party girl's coming-of-age memoir about learning to live before getting ready to die.

Tara has it pretty a nice job, a writing career, a forgiving boyfriend. She should be happy. Yet Tara can’t stay sober. She’s terrible at monogamy. Even her psychiatrist grows sick of her and stops returning her calls. She spends most of her time putting out social fires, barely pulling things off, and feeling sick and tired.

Then, in the autumn following her twenty-seventh birthday, an abnormal lump discovered in her left breast serves as the catalyst for a journey of rigorous self-questioning. Waiting on a diagnosis, she begins an intellectual assessment of her life, desperate to justify a short existence full of dumb choices. Armed with her philosophy degree and angry determination, she attacks each issue in her life as the days creep by and winds up writing a searingly honest memoir about learning to live before getting ready to die.

A RARE MACHINES BOOK

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Canada, Indigenous

296 pages, Paperback

First published November 23, 2021

Reviews

[Jillian · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t know I needed this book until I finished it. Tara’s voice is honest in a way that doesn’t leave room for the mushy non-sense of alt. literature, yet it still sprinkles in fleeting seconds of both bullshit and truth. It speaks to the struggles of growing up (and growing alongside) your trauma as a young Canadian, and what it’s like to live inside a mind that runs in a million directions. There are moments of this memoir that read like they were my own. I was transported to snippets of Tara’s life with kid gloves through her prose, which made me reflect on my own memories and habits. This book is thoughtful and inspiring. Hands down one of the best works I have read in the last three years. Tara, your voice is needed in literature right now. Thank you for writing this. Seriously thank you.

[Chrissy · Rating 1 out of 5]

This audiobook was a librarian recco via Libby and the synopsis painted it out to be an introspective, enlightened exploration of life by a woman facing a potential cancer diagnosis. Spoiler alert- she does not have cancer. She does not have any introspective enlightened explorations. She has a very unremarkable life throughout which she makes somewhat irresponsible, self-absorbed decisions. Might be the worst memoir I’ve ever read.

[Cid V. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tara’s Memoir has a complete lack of pretentiousness. She writes a protagonist who is unapologetically whole; whose flaws, brilliance, and endearing neurosis make readers excited to follow her story.

She says, “I’ve been cursed, since childhood, with a steely determination to not do a single thing I do not find interesting.”

This memoir sincerely delivers on Tara’s determination.

[Lea Daly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Maybe one of the most honest tales of depression ever, or at least incredibly relatable for me personally, as I reflect on my last decade and it's ups and downs (real or imagined)

[Abby · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this up when I was going through a bit of a rough patch and immediately started reading it on the walk home, because it's the kind of book to make you risk walking embarrasingly into a light pole. Tara invites you into her world with humour and honesty and a tenacity that's electrifying. It's unlike any book I've ever read before while also being oddly familiar and making me feel less alone, which, to me, are the best qualities a book can have. Highly recommend this book if you are a human being of any kind. I know the title is Nothing Will Be Different, but I don't know. Give it a try. Cause after reading it, I think you'll feel like maybe something is.

[Alex Platt · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir is phenomenal, one of my favourites of the year. Each chapter title is a song so you get an amazing playlist as well.

[Zoey Davis · Rating 3 out of 5]

ive never had an original experience in my life!!!

[Taryn (girlinread_) · Rating 5 out of 5]

read if you like: memoirs, relatable stories, millennial POVs
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firstly, tysm to @tandemcollectiveglobal for gifting me this copy! i am extremely picky w what memoirs i read these days but this was an automatic hell yes & OOF WAS I RIGHT ABOUT IT

now i will never "review" a memoir bc that is just bad form imo but i will tell you alllll the ways it made me feel bc hot damn i felt a lot🥲

tara's writing is deprecating, devourable, frank, and tbh fucking hilarious which made crushing this in a matter of hours an easy task

this was SPOOKILY relatable & while i'm confident anyone could find something to relate to in tara's stories & thoughts, i genuinely thought we may be from parallel universes a few times😳
it is EERIE to read so much of your own life experience through someone else's eyes, esp when it's stripped down to the core. between the EDs, the trains of thought, the self-destructive behaviour, their relationship w alcohol, her relationship w herself in their early 20s, it was all extremely real & raw & relatable.

it was a perfect example of how extremely vast a person is below the surface, how truly integral our 20s are for learning and growing, & the impact of generational trauma/circumstance

i value relatability over aspiration these days (which is a general trend for most thx to the panini) so i honestly think from here on out that the only memoirs i care to read are ones by deeply relatable people and, honestly, people in my own generation??
might be a hot take but i find reading the life experiences of baby boomers & even gen xers (or non-queer ppl or neurotypical ppl etc. etc.) just so far removed at this point that they rly have to be an absolute icon for me to get as much oompf from it.

overall, tara's memoir grabbed onto a v deep part of me & refused to let go & i highly recommend to anyone who relates to even just a *sliver* of the above!!

[Delaney mybooksandkidsbooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nothing Will Be Different by Tara McGowan-Ross

This is the memoir of Tara, a Canadian young adult as she grows up and finds (and loses) her way over and over again.

This author has an amazing way with words. Her writing is charming and so easy to read. She wrote about some very heavy stuff but she was always relatable and loveable.

She wrote one of the best explanations of the history and genocide of Indigenous people of Canada that I’ve ever read. I gained an even better understanding and really appreciated her perspective.

The only aspect I didn’t love was how much the timeline jumped around, I don’t even think it did all that much but I often had to look back a couple pages to figure out where she was in her life and what time.

Thank you to @tandemcollectiveglobal for sending me this book! I love finding new authors and different books that I might not have otherwise read.

What is your favourite memoir?

TW: death of a parent, alcohol and substance abuse.

[Meghan Raffensperger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tara has a way of writing truth in every word, every feeling brutal in its honesty, hitting me in my center, reminding me of the complex, beautiful and hurtful species we are all a part of. Their storytelling weaves past to present and back again, realizing the immateriality, the fluidity of "time". Reading her book is an absolute gift and not one to be taken for granted. Thank you, Tara, for offering us your dark humor as a cushion to land on after being hit by the hard truths of our shared reality. Thank you for your imaginings and creative spirit that soften the blows and remind us: hope is not lost.

[Rachel Knopp · Rating 4 out of 5]

file this away with marlowe granados', happy hour <3. for the party girls and good-time boys with enough substance (nietzsche, marx, indigenous identity) to make it feel not overly indulgent. loved the setting of the "last great bohemian city," montreal.

[Leh Deuling · Rating 5 out of 5]

delightful and honest, brought montreal alive and glittering and grungy into my mind. 10/10 beautiful book.

[Marie P · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved reading Catcher in the Rye and various Beat writers in the same way that I loved reading this. In its meandering way Nothing will be Different draws us along with humour, cultural observation, modern Canada culture and Montreal culture into the heart of growing up and getting through in the aftermath of staggering loss. By the end it feels like the author is almost whispering jokes and realizations right into your ear. There’s an incredible intimacy that grows as you read this and I hope there is a sequel. A tale of youth and overcoming. Don’t miss it!

[H.L.H. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This over-delivered. Goddamn. ❤

[taketwolu]

From 2011 - 2020, Tara lays out the ups and downs of her life. We follow her struggle to stay sober and monogamous, soul-searching trips, episodes of trauma, and so on.

I was worried I wouldn’t like this memoir but Tara’s bluntness, and unapologetically, flawed narration made this easy to read and fall into. The story does tend to jump around but it was interesting to see how snippets of her childhood and other relationships have come to shape her later on.

Though there are some tough topics in here, like death, cancer, alcoholism, etc, Tara remained relatable and vulnerable. The parts that really stuck out to me was her relationship with Sandy, her mini coverage of Indigenous issues in Canada, and the tree planting trip.

***
Thank you Tandem Collective Global Dundurn Press and Tara McGowan-Ross for my copy!

[Ollie Ander · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tara McGowan-Ross has a narrative voice I cannot resist. I felt immediately connected to her style, even before the Canadian familiarity took its roots. There was something blunt and beautiful reflecting off its own self-imposed complex vulnerability that kept me going to the end, feeling like I was being told a story by a friend.

This is a hard one for me to rate because I could tell I enjoyed it with such bias. There are certainly parts of the memoir used to contextualize her as a person that I could have done without but loved reading because of her voice, regardless.

I loved the discussion that comes in-- almost playfully-- about harmful habits and behaviors. I could feel in myself, her truth. This is a 4.5/5 stars for me, and I feel it's changed me on some fundamental level I do not yet understand, as the narrative leans into believing...

[Janilyn Kocher · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting read about a young Canadian woman grappling with a major health issue. Her memoir details,how she works through the revelation and examines her life. She shares many details with readers, intimate imfor,action. She fills in her back story so readers can find connections with her experiences. Thanks to Rare Machines, Edelweiss, and NetGalley for the early read.

[Maggie the Muskoka Library Mouse · Rating 2 out of 5]

This memoir seemed rather discombobulated to me. I am not sure I really get the point of it. I don’t feel I learned anything, and it was merely an exercise for the author to make her issues concrete, for her own understanding. It jumped back and forth in time a lot, which made it feel disconnected, not like someone’s life story. I am afraid it did not do much for me.

[Mieke Leigh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love Tara's voice. She's darkly funny and astute. This book was very readable and I really enjoyed it.

[Elizabeth Tuttle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish she took the advice of her professor, the one who said to focus on the form and not rely so heavily on the content to tell the story.

Here's the thing. I love her story. I love her story because it's a shitty one where nothing happens but everything feels like it's happening and it's a whole decade of convincing yourself to actually get your shit together. There are few things I want more in this moment than to sit down with Tara McGowan-Ross for a cup of tea and exchange life stories, permeated by existentialist and posthumanist theory.

But the writing is plainly mediocre. It reads more like a journal than a polished memoir. The hospital scenes are the best, the ones in which she oscillates between the waiting room and the genuine flashbacks we all experience in moments of solitude. The natural back and forth of hospital DJ fantasies and one's dead mother. As for the remaining 92% of the book, I only wish she gave a little more. Her own feelings are present and accounted for, but the characters surrounding her - Sandy, Antoine, Kate, Matilda - never get fleshed out. I would say of this book what the author says about her tumor metaphors "It didn't mean anything. It was just a bunch of sad stuff that happened."

It feels strange to review this book because ultimately, I enjoyed it. I simply found it hard to get through the writing to absorb the content, the latter of which was quite pleasant and occasionally thought-provoking.

[Hayley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a complimentary digital review copy of this book from the publisher in advance of publication in exchange for an honest review.

Tara is in her mid twenties when a major health scare causes her to reexamine her life and the decisions she has made to get her to where she is.

This is the first memoir I've read (at least that I can remember) where the author is close in age to me. As I was reading her story, the timelines of different events lined up with timelines in my own life. When she was in high school, I was in high school. When she was studying at Concordia, I was at university in Ottawa. This timeline match up really drew me into this book.

It's an interesting tale, split into chapters that can be read standalone, or together, depicting the difficult beginning of a young Canadian. It's not all told in chronological order (though the chapters are well marked with dates) and I found myself flipping between chapters to better understand where different parts of the story fit together.

I particularly enjoyed learning more about each of the Canadian cities she lives and visited throughout the memoir.

3.5 stars rounded to 4.

[KileyV · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is honest, thorough, and and searing in it's examination of addiction and self-hatred. I think the premise, which is also the impetus for why this book exists, is compelling. And ultimately fails to meet the promise of it's stakes. Not because our author doesn't die at the end, but because the meaning-making underdelivered, on every page. The author learns early on in university that writing tell-all autobiographical poems isn't good enough without stakes. If the stakes of this memoir were maybe-impending-death, well. Not really good enough considering those are the stakes of everyone on Earth whether they write or not. (Razing, sorry Tara.)
I finished this memoir because it's compelling! But I couldn't help but feel like I could have helped shape it into a more cohesive reflection. Tara if you're reading this, I admire your work and u should hire me to edit ur next cnf book xoxo cuz I see you girl.

[Sarah O'Riordan | travelseatsreads · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nothing Will Be Different is an honest coming of age memoir in which Tara McGowan-Ross details her journey from frantic party girl to finally settling and finding some peace within herself.

Tara is quite frank and blunt and doesn't shy away from discussing her struggles, mistakes and flaws. She takes the reader along her journey of reawakening as she faces her battles head on and finds a new found level of happiness.

The timeline does jump around quite a bit, scenes from her childhood chop to current day and then back again to a forestry in Canada so at times I did feel a bit lost and disconnected from her story.

I didn't love or hate it but an interesting and honest look at a 20 something finding her way.

TWs: Alcoholism, Cancer, Eating Disorders, Death of a Parent, Grief

[Susan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I almost stopped listening to this book several times. It wasn't because of the writing. The writing was fine. It was the content, her lifestyle. It was so foreign to me life. That's what kept me reading; to learn about other people's lives. That's one main reason I read, after all. But it seemed to pointless, so repetitive.

I was also put off by the synopsis. I was fascinated by the idea of someone's life changing journey.... But it was only about 2 chapters at the end. I admire her perseverance in living with the trauma of her childhood, for the record. I know how it can mess with a life. I'm really glad she came through.

I wanted to like this book more than I did.

[Zoey · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first thirty pages of this book were interesting enough, but it just went downhill from there. I think I could have read every third page and not missed anything relevant. Maybe it could have been better had the author cut 100 pages, specifically the last 30. I think it took me a month just to read the last three chapters.

[Amanda Cox · Rating 2 out of 5]

A memoir of a woman in her 20s who makes a lot of bad life choices.

The book is really meh. The synopsis makes it seem like it's a book about dying, maybe dealing with disease and having regrets. But most of the book is just her childhood and young adult life full of bad choices.

Read as an audiobook.

[Livia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Epigraph from Siken, philosophy major, dog. This was such a pleasure to read and so rich with language; it really felt like seeing through her eyes. She also writes about depression so well.


“I could not believe I hadn’t seen it before! I just had to do it: to physically get up and move my body outside of my little cocoon of my misery and enter physical spaces with other human beings.”

[Steph Sinclair · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everything you could want in a story. Brilliant.

[Naomi · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[May Wong · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well written. I like her style. Would definitely read more of her work.