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Finding Normal: Sex, Love, and Taboo in Our Hyperconnected World
Alexa Tsoulis-Reay's Finding Normal is an author's up close tour of people who are using the Internet to challenge the boundaries of what's taboo and what it means to be normal.
Based on a popular series of candid interviews conducted for New York magazine’s human science column—"What It's Like"—Finding Normal explores the ways that real people are using the Internet to find community, forge connections, and create identity in ways that challenge a variety of accepted sexual norms. Ranging from the atypical to the shocking, each story in Finding Normal intimately immerses the reader in the world of a person who is grappling with a unique set of circumstances relating to sexuality.
Finding Normal at once celebrates the power of our current media moment for helping people rewrite the script for their lives and offers a warning about the danger of that seemingly limitless freedom to find yourself. Finding Normal shows the enduring power of the search for belonging—for humans and society. Like happiness or life purpose, finding normal is perhaps the definitive human struggle.
Based on a popular series of candid interviews conducted for New York magazine’s human science column—"What It's Like"—Finding Normal explores the ways that real people are using the Internet to find community, forge connections, and create identity in ways that challenge a variety of accepted sexual norms. Ranging from the atypical to the shocking, each story in Finding Normal intimately immerses the reader in the world of a person who is grappling with a unique set of circumstances relating to sexuality.
Finding Normal at once celebrates the power of our current media moment for helping people rewrite the script for their lives and offers a warning about the danger of that seemingly limitless freedom to find yourself. Finding Normal shows the enduring power of the search for belonging—for humans and society. Like happiness or life purpose, finding normal is perhaps the definitive human struggle.
304 pages, Hardcover
First published January 25, 2022
14 people are currently reading
3540 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 67 reviews
May 24, 2021
I feel weird being the first person to review this, but I can't lie - I saw it pop on Edelweiss and immediately read the whole thing. I am really interested in stories about people who defy the norm, and I appreciated that Tsoulis-Reay deconstructed what normal is and why it exists. The stories in the first part are more focused on unconventional sexual relationships which are generally not considered deviant. The stories in the second part, Transgressing Normal, may be considered disturbing depending on your level of comfort with taboo sexual acts. Those who are triggered by sexual assault, incest, and content involving sex with animals should not read. These particular issues are not my triggers, yet I found myself feeling disturbed at the end of the book; Tsoulis-Reay does an amazing job of reporting on the people involved in these situations, diving deep into their personal lives with a smooth and engaging style. I think part of the discomfort stems from feeling empathy for people who perform acts that many consider unspeakable. It's a lot to struggle with, but I think it's important.
January 25, 2022
Even though this book has the words “taboo” and “sex” in the title, it is far from salacious. Rather, it’s an exploration of how complex humanity is.
The first three chapters explore consensual non monogamy, age gap relationships and asexuality. The author does a wonderful job exploring the studies done on the topics, interviewing people who fit into these groups and analyzing her own prejudices. The chapter on consensual non monogamy was particularly adorable focusing on older polyamorous couples happily living “the lifestyle.”
The last two chapters pushed the boundaries on normalcy by centering on genetic sexual attraction and zoophilia. These chapters are prefaced with clear guidance and warning about their content. The author steers clear of exploiting these groups and instead focuses on psychology and learning more from the individuals she meets. She struggles with her own morality by trying to be opened minded and yet also wanting to make sure that her words don’t lead to damage.
I was at times charmed, confused, illuminated and disgusted. People ultimately want to connect with others and live as authentically as they can. There can be bad people out there in all of these taboo groups, but there are also terrible heteronormative people as well. Overall, it is a reminder to listen to each other and that there is power in storytelling.
The first three chapters explore consensual non monogamy, age gap relationships and asexuality. The author does a wonderful job exploring the studies done on the topics, interviewing people who fit into these groups and analyzing her own prejudices. The chapter on consensual non monogamy was particularly adorable focusing on older polyamorous couples happily living “the lifestyle.”
The last two chapters pushed the boundaries on normalcy by centering on genetic sexual attraction and zoophilia. These chapters are prefaced with clear guidance and warning about their content. The author steers clear of exploiting these groups and instead focuses on psychology and learning more from the individuals she meets. She struggles with her own morality by trying to be opened minded and yet also wanting to make sure that her words don’t lead to damage.
I was at times charmed, confused, illuminated and disgusted. People ultimately want to connect with others and live as authentically as they can. There can be bad people out there in all of these taboo groups, but there are also terrible heteronormative people as well. Overall, it is a reminder to listen to each other and that there is power in storytelling.
December 28, 2021
My wife bought this, started it, then put it down. I started it, then put it down. I know the woke society wants to accept everything as normal, but this is too much, up to and including excusing animal abuse. Pedophilia is already a target for the woke as being possibly normal. One only has to see half an episode of Cuties to understand. The guy who proposed it for an award in Cannes was subsequently arrested on child abuse related activities. There is a perverse mindset pervading society that implies that everything goes, once it's "normal" for somebody. This book is part of that normalisation process. Sad.
February 8, 2022
CW: sexual activity, non-monogamy, incest, bestiality
This book is grounded in a series of columns the author wrote for New York Magazine exploring human behavior, particularly people in unconventional, uncommon, or taboo sexual or romantic relationships. Tsoulis-Reay expands on those columns, sometimes revisiting the people featured or detailing more about her experiences writing them. It's meant to showcase the ways in which people connect and find community, and while she certainly proves people can find an in-group for almost anything, I'm not sure that she really succeeds at endearing some of these characters to us anymore.
There are five (quite long) chapters -- consensual non-monogamy, age-gap relationships, asexuality/aromanticism, genetic sexual attraction, and bestiality. Clearly some of these relationships are more taboo than others, and Tsoulis-Reay does her best to present the content without a lot of judgment. But it still feels like we're less hearing their stories and more hearing her experience of the people she interviewed. She's a clear intermediary between the reader and the subjects, and I just don't think it really works.
A huge strong point for the book is the work Tsoulis-Reay did in investigating the origins of the online communities where these groups of people started to connect with each other. As someone who spent a lot of time on Tumblr in the 2000s and early 2010s, I remember watching people gain the vocabulary they needed to identify themselves there, and I understand the power of an online group of friends who make you feel like whatever you're feeling is normal. The parts where she's talking about the early Internet (and even activists who came before it) were the most interesting to me.
This book wasn't quite what I wanted it to be, and it's not one I'd recommend to everyone. But for those interested in the history of community-building online, this could be a really good fit.
Thank you St. Martins and NetGalley for the ARC!
This book is grounded in a series of columns the author wrote for New York Magazine exploring human behavior, particularly people in unconventional, uncommon, or taboo sexual or romantic relationships. Tsoulis-Reay expands on those columns, sometimes revisiting the people featured or detailing more about her experiences writing them. It's meant to showcase the ways in which people connect and find community, and while she certainly proves people can find an in-group for almost anything, I'm not sure that she really succeeds at endearing some of these characters to us anymore.
There are five (quite long) chapters -- consensual non-monogamy, age-gap relationships, asexuality/aromanticism, genetic sexual attraction, and bestiality. Clearly some of these relationships are more taboo than others, and Tsoulis-Reay does her best to present the content without a lot of judgment. But it still feels like we're less hearing their stories and more hearing her experience of the people she interviewed. She's a clear intermediary between the reader and the subjects, and I just don't think it really works.
A huge strong point for the book is the work Tsoulis-Reay did in investigating the origins of the online communities where these groups of people started to connect with each other. As someone who spent a lot of time on Tumblr in the 2000s and early 2010s, I remember watching people gain the vocabulary they needed to identify themselves there, and I understand the power of an online group of friends who make you feel like whatever you're feeling is normal. The parts where she's talking about the early Internet (and even activists who came before it) were the most interesting to me.
This book wasn't quite what I wanted it to be, and it's not one I'd recommend to everyone. But for those interested in the history of community-building online, this could be a really good fit.
Thank you St. Martins and NetGalley for the ARC!
March 11, 2022
I do appreciate that the author prefaces the whole book by saying that she is not equating the topics she discusses in various chapters as having the same gravity or the same moral standing. That would have been my biggest gripe, had she not explicitly said that that was not her intent.
I enjoyed that she talked about her own experiences meeting these people and learning about these taboos, because it certainly taught me about having empathy for folks I don't necessarily see eye to eye with (specifically in the latter 2 chapters).
I definitely learned things. I don't know if I'm better for having done so or if I enjoyed this book necessarily. Not for the squeamish or closed-minded.
I enjoyed that she talked about her own experiences meeting these people and learning about these taboos, because it certainly taught me about having empathy for folks I don't necessarily see eye to eye with (specifically in the latter 2 chapters).
I definitely learned things. I don't know if I'm better for having done so or if I enjoyed this book necessarily. Not for the squeamish or closed-minded.
March 23, 2022
Difficult to rate. Part 1 was very interesting. Part 2 was scandalous and odd.
July 7, 2022
Feeling very mixed…more like a 4 for content in the first three topics, a 3 for the first controversial chapter, and a 1 for the very bizarre last chapter. Landing at three because the writing did hook me and and I was eager to open back up this audiobook at every opportunity to see what came next. Each of the stories was engaging and inquisitive, although the internet connection lens was mostly lost in the plot. The author is fantastic at getting to know people, but inserts herself far too often in the narrative via the interview process and her friendships with subjects, and narrows her range by only focusing on one or two case studies per topic. I think a deep dive into broader internet forums and communities around these topics rather than individuals would have been more interesting, especially for the earlier topics which I already knew about.
And then there are the last two topics, incest and bestiality - where to even begin. Even with the author’s many disclaimers about her intentions at the start and middle, I can’t get past a collection that seamlessly jumps from asexuality into incest and bestiality. The author asserts in the lead to this section that she doesn’t want to compare preceding chapters to the extreme latter two, but there’s no way to not imply that. With the history that the author herself brings up as a lead in, of LGBT relationships compared by bigots to bestiality/incest, there’s no way to tangibly avoid that mental comparison. As many people apparently told her over and over again - this whole book should’ve either been edited into an expansion of the first three stories (more in line with kink/queer expressions of sexuality) or an expansion of the last two (morally exiled topics) that focused more about what it’s like to live on the edge of society. She makes the point that the common link is to look at taboo without hierarchy or moral judgements, but it feels like she can’t see the key nuance - which I find obtuse.
I actually think it’s really interesting to explore those latter topics - just because something is disturbing doesn’t mean it should never be talked about. I’ve watched many documentaries about political extremists and cults as a learning opportunity, to see other points of view and ask philosophical questions no matter how disgusting. I came into this book knowing that the last two topics were reprehensible to me, but was expecting to get an open dialogue of the beliefs and communities without support but also without judgement. Sometimes she hits that mark, but the problem lies in the author’s constant need to validate, sympathize, and actually align with the people involved in these acts. Does a mother who felt attracted to her son separated at birth really need to be dubbed a “brave hero” for speaking out? More pressingly, why are genuine power, violence, and consent arguments scoffed at by the author? Why can’t the author write human interest stories from the 3rd person on these topics? There was an opportunity to show these communities as real people without glorifying them as “open minded” that was lost here.
What deeply offended me was the way the author was so doe eyed and incredulous about morally justifiable but socially questioned relationship models, yet quickly accepts violating, abusive moral taboos. She’s provincial about age gap relationships and polyamory, and doesn’t believe asexuality exists for the longest stretch of time, which I actually liked in the first few chapters because it was an opener for great, explain-like-I’m-five honest discussions most people would be too embarrassed to have. But in the bestiality chapter, the author reveals she started to group people in her life as those who “get it” and “don’t get it”, described a horse like you would describe an attractive girl (not quoting the subject!! This was her own view!) and strongly implied that she agreed with a zoophile that the lack of consent argument from animals was irrelevant because animals can respond physically to tell you how they’re enjoying it - huh?? Why is that easier for her to accept than consenting adult sexuality in earlier chapters? I wanted to throw the book at this point but it was unfortunately on audio. I still think it was worth reading because I learned a lot about the history of every group and I was invested in each story. However, this desperately needed a better editor or otherwise was probably better left as individual magazine articles instead of a book.
And then there are the last two topics, incest and bestiality - where to even begin. Even with the author’s many disclaimers about her intentions at the start and middle, I can’t get past a collection that seamlessly jumps from asexuality into incest and bestiality. The author asserts in the lead to this section that she doesn’t want to compare preceding chapters to the extreme latter two, but there’s no way to not imply that. With the history that the author herself brings up as a lead in, of LGBT relationships compared by bigots to bestiality/incest, there’s no way to tangibly avoid that mental comparison. As many people apparently told her over and over again - this whole book should’ve either been edited into an expansion of the first three stories (more in line with kink/queer expressions of sexuality) or an expansion of the last two (morally exiled topics) that focused more about what it’s like to live on the edge of society. She makes the point that the common link is to look at taboo without hierarchy or moral judgements, but it feels like she can’t see the key nuance - which I find obtuse.
I actually think it’s really interesting to explore those latter topics - just because something is disturbing doesn’t mean it should never be talked about. I’ve watched many documentaries about political extremists and cults as a learning opportunity, to see other points of view and ask philosophical questions no matter how disgusting. I came into this book knowing that the last two topics were reprehensible to me, but was expecting to get an open dialogue of the beliefs and communities without support but also without judgement. Sometimes she hits that mark, but the problem lies in the author’s constant need to validate, sympathize, and actually align with the people involved in these acts. Does a mother who felt attracted to her son separated at birth really need to be dubbed a “brave hero” for speaking out? More pressingly, why are genuine power, violence, and consent arguments scoffed at by the author? Why can’t the author write human interest stories from the 3rd person on these topics? There was an opportunity to show these communities as real people without glorifying them as “open minded” that was lost here.
What deeply offended me was the way the author was so doe eyed and incredulous about morally justifiable but socially questioned relationship models, yet quickly accepts violating, abusive moral taboos. She’s provincial about age gap relationships and polyamory, and doesn’t believe asexuality exists for the longest stretch of time, which I actually liked in the first few chapters because it was an opener for great, explain-like-I’m-five honest discussions most people would be too embarrassed to have. But in the bestiality chapter, the author reveals she started to group people in her life as those who “get it” and “don’t get it”, described a horse like you would describe an attractive girl (not quoting the subject!! This was her own view!) and strongly implied that she agreed with a zoophile that the lack of consent argument from animals was irrelevant because animals can respond physically to tell you how they’re enjoying it - huh?? Why is that easier for her to accept than consenting adult sexuality in earlier chapters? I wanted to throw the book at this point but it was unfortunately on audio. I still think it was worth reading because I learned a lot about the history of every group and I was invested in each story. However, this desperately needed a better editor or otherwise was probably better left as individual magazine articles instead of a book.
October 31, 2023
I actually think this book plays a part in the normalization of the taboo behaviours it describes, because although the author mentions they are taking an objective view, I don't think they have a good grasp on what the word objective means. They include their subjective and rather favorable view on all the topics, even including incest between a father and a daughter before later realizing how they were supporting a dangerous and abusive situation.
The first topic is ethical non-monogamy, which I definitely believe has been normalized by the hypersexual and hyperconnected culture we are in today. As a bisexual woman who is not polyamorous myself, I have been asked if I am a unicorn on multiple occasions and have had people try to push polyamory onto me. Not a pleasant experience.
The age gap relationship chapter mentions heterosexual couples and lesbians, and manages to put all the focus (and even some blame) onto women entirely. Gay men are left out of the equation entirely. The couple mentioned, Julie and Eileen, can easily be found on YouTube. There is a contrived manner to the way they both act and it is a lot more uncomfortable to watch than it is to read about with the authors bias in favor of them.
The chapter on asexuals was interesting because it mentions radical feminism, but then it portrayed the radical feminists as being wrong about political celibacy....really weird when the author was not a part of the history to make that judgement. I think it's actually nice to promote healthy and close friendships between women and prioritizing friendship in life. I do agree with one of the people interviewed about demisexuality. Back when I was growing up, wanting to have sex with someone with an emotional connection was just normal and it was equally normal to have sexual attraction without the emotional connection. That's a preference, not a sexuality in itself.
The chapter on genetic sexual attraction made me viscerally disturbed. This author spends pages mentioning how it could be that this man is not taking advantage of his child who he literally raped as a minor. This was the only thing the author seemed to be against, and even so, rather loosely.
The author also seemed to be 100% pro zoophilia/bestiality/whatever you want to call it. There is genetic reason as to why there is disgust - we aren't genetically compatible to make offspring at all with animals, which is where the overall feeling comes from. We learn about the types of incompatibility in evolution classes. It's just one of them. If the animal isn't being harmed, it's still an animal. I can't see animals as being the same cognitively as human beings. I can understand that isolation is socially damaging, and that couple must have to deal with it a lot. I feel badly for Fran who had to go to therapy for her husband because of his inclination towards horses. I wonder what would have happened if he got therapy for his paraphilia towards animals.
Overall, this book made me think that there are some things we should not be normalizing. This book also plays a part in normalizing these topics. I knew all of these existed - we all have access to the internet. The multiple mentions of the Ethical Slut made me think I need to read that. However, I don't think I'll ever be into the lifestyle myself - it doesn't seem like it's for me (I wouldn't be happy to think of will never be enough for someone I love).
Also, I don't like the constant comparisons to the LGB community in here. We are proven to have differences that are inherent in us for our attraction. We are cognitive beings, not animals. Lumping us in with this type of thing was insulting.
The first topic is ethical non-monogamy, which I definitely believe has been normalized by the hypersexual and hyperconnected culture we are in today. As a bisexual woman who is not polyamorous myself, I have been asked if I am a unicorn on multiple occasions and have had people try to push polyamory onto me. Not a pleasant experience.
The age gap relationship chapter mentions heterosexual couples and lesbians, and manages to put all the focus (and even some blame) onto women entirely. Gay men are left out of the equation entirely. The couple mentioned, Julie and Eileen, can easily be found on YouTube. There is a contrived manner to the way they both act and it is a lot more uncomfortable to watch than it is to read about with the authors bias in favor of them.
The chapter on asexuals was interesting because it mentions radical feminism, but then it portrayed the radical feminists as being wrong about political celibacy....really weird when the author was not a part of the history to make that judgement. I think it's actually nice to promote healthy and close friendships between women and prioritizing friendship in life. I do agree with one of the people interviewed about demisexuality. Back when I was growing up, wanting to have sex with someone with an emotional connection was just normal and it was equally normal to have sexual attraction without the emotional connection. That's a preference, not a sexuality in itself.
The chapter on genetic sexual attraction made me viscerally disturbed. This author spends pages mentioning how it could be that this man is not taking advantage of his child who he literally raped as a minor. This was the only thing the author seemed to be against, and even so, rather loosely.
The author also seemed to be 100% pro zoophilia/bestiality/whatever you want to call it. There is genetic reason as to why there is disgust - we aren't genetically compatible to make offspring at all with animals, which is where the overall feeling comes from. We learn about the types of incompatibility in evolution classes. It's just one of them. If the animal isn't being harmed, it's still an animal. I can't see animals as being the same cognitively as human beings. I can understand that isolation is socially damaging, and that couple must have to deal with it a lot. I feel badly for Fran who had to go to therapy for her husband because of his inclination towards horses. I wonder what would have happened if he got therapy for his paraphilia towards animals.
Overall, this book made me think that there are some things we should not be normalizing. This book also plays a part in normalizing these topics. I knew all of these existed - we all have access to the internet. The multiple mentions of the Ethical Slut made me think I need to read that. However, I don't think I'll ever be into the lifestyle myself - it doesn't seem like it's for me (I wouldn't be happy to think of will never be enough for someone I love).
Also, I don't like the constant comparisons to the LGB community in here. We are proven to have differences that are inherent in us for our attraction. We are cognitive beings, not animals. Lumping us in with this type of thing was insulting.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 19, 2023
Fascinating. Well reported. Perfect length. At times the sections about the “hyper connected era” felt repetitive. My favorite parts were when the author examined the implications of her own work. So honest, thoughtful, and true. Really pulls you in.
February 10, 2022
I would give 0 stars because I didn't finish, but that's not the way this site works.
I am reviewing this audiobook after receiving a complimentary ALC from Libro.fm
I believe that, somewhere along the way, Finding Normal had an interesting premise. "Our hyperconnected world," as the subtitle describes, does indeed allow people all over the world to find their own version of normal - others who think like them, share their beliefs, belong to their communities. This, as a concept, would make a pretty cool study. You could look at all of the positive ways this hyperconnectedness impacts marginalized people, at the myriad ways it allows fans to band together over their favorite pop culture phenomenons, and at the unsavory ways in which it leads to cultlike behavior, indoctrination, and radicalization. I would read that book.
Finding Normal is, unfortunately, not that book. While the author does state in her introduction that the structure of the book's chapters is not meant to imply that she is drawing an equivalence between their subjects, she must know that, disclaimer or no, that is absolutely how it will come across. She even acknowledges this! Was there truly no other way to organize these stories in a way that did not place polyamory, asexuality, and incest on the exact same level? These things are not the same. If you wanted to write a book about the huge technological shift in finding like-minded individuals to normalize our experiences as human beings, write that book instead of this one. This one unintentionally reinforces the exact kind of "slippery slope" argumentation that many sexual conservatives like to throw around in discourse about gay marriage ("What's next, people marrying dogs?"). And I just can't get behind that. I can't.
I don't recommend this book.
I am reviewing this audiobook after receiving a complimentary ALC from Libro.fm
I believe that, somewhere along the way, Finding Normal had an interesting premise. "Our hyperconnected world," as the subtitle describes, does indeed allow people all over the world to find their own version of normal - others who think like them, share their beliefs, belong to their communities. This, as a concept, would make a pretty cool study. You could look at all of the positive ways this hyperconnectedness impacts marginalized people, at the myriad ways it allows fans to band together over their favorite pop culture phenomenons, and at the unsavory ways in which it leads to cultlike behavior, indoctrination, and radicalization. I would read that book.
Finding Normal is, unfortunately, not that book. While the author does state in her introduction that the structure of the book's chapters is not meant to imply that she is drawing an equivalence between their subjects, she must know that, disclaimer or no, that is absolutely how it will come across. She even acknowledges this! Was there truly no other way to organize these stories in a way that did not place polyamory, asexuality, and incest on the exact same level? These things are not the same. If you wanted to write a book about the huge technological shift in finding like-minded individuals to normalize our experiences as human beings, write that book instead of this one. This one unintentionally reinforces the exact kind of "slippery slope" argumentation that many sexual conservatives like to throw around in discourse about gay marriage ("What's next, people marrying dogs?"). And I just can't get behind that. I can't.
I don't recommend this book.
December 30, 2022
This is the kind of book that will make you think long after you finish it. It's not just the somewhat taboo and undiscussed topics or the slightly voyeuristic feeling of reading about them, it's the fact that it left me thinking, "Who gets to decide what normal is?"
Now, this isn't the primary thing that the author was trying to convey, as the thread that ties everything together is how anyone can find their tribe and feel part of a community thanks to the hyperconnected world we live in today. That's definitely interesting and Tsoulis-Reay did a great job of writing about how things have changed, becoming a lot easier for people who are outside what the majority consider to be normal, however, the things that continually made me stop to think were more along the lines of what normal is and how it's defined. With a couple of exceptions that I found icky despite trying to be as open-minded as possible, most of the people interviewed are just going about their lives in a way that doesn't fit in with the status quo.
I can see it really not being the kind of book a lot of people would enjoy because it's really well-written and researched, but it's also incredibly uncomfortable even if you like to think of yourself as having an open mind. Tsoulis-Reay dug deep into each topic and found people willing to bare their souls in order to give as comprehensive a look at their lifestyles as possible. The fact that the author manages to do so as detachedly as the most veteran of journalists while still being sympathetic and empathetic is beyond impressive.
Very happy thanks to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press for the thought-provoking read!
Now, this isn't the primary thing that the author was trying to convey, as the thread that ties everything together is how anyone can find their tribe and feel part of a community thanks to the hyperconnected world we live in today. That's definitely interesting and Tsoulis-Reay did a great job of writing about how things have changed, becoming a lot easier for people who are outside what the majority consider to be normal, however, the things that continually made me stop to think were more along the lines of what normal is and how it's defined. With a couple of exceptions that I found icky despite trying to be as open-minded as possible, most of the people interviewed are just going about their lives in a way that doesn't fit in with the status quo.
I can see it really not being the kind of book a lot of people would enjoy because it's really well-written and researched, but it's also incredibly uncomfortable even if you like to think of yourself as having an open mind. Tsoulis-Reay dug deep into each topic and found people willing to bare their souls in order to give as comprehensive a look at their lifestyles as possible. The fact that the author manages to do so as detachedly as the most veteran of journalists while still being sympathetic and empathetic is beyond impressive.
Very happy thanks to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press for the thought-provoking read!
August 1, 2022
An intriguing book focused on relationships and sexualities not deemed "normal" by society at large. Chapters focus on polyamory, age gap relationships, asexuality, incest, and zoophilia. But the theme that unites them all is the internet and the possibility of connecting with others who have similar experiences and identities. A fascinating and challenging read, and one I'd recommend for those interested in how the internet has impact sexuality.
March 30, 2022
Particularly difficult chapters to encounter towards the end, but a fascinating and mind-expanding read.
September 11, 2025
3.5/5
That was wild. I wasn’t expecting it to be as thought-provoking as it was.
That was wild. I wasn’t expecting it to be as thought-provoking as it was.
June 10, 2021
**WARNING** explorations of fringe sexual proclivities may be triggering.
This book explores rarely-explored sexual orientations. The chapter on Asexuality was especially informative, as was the chapter on grown adoptees having sexual and romantic attractions to the birth parents who abandoned them when they were babies or toddlers. A disturbing chapter on people who feel they are in relationship with animals folllows. Very well researched, and the author took a lot of risks locating those willing to talk about their unconventional feelings and lives.
This book explores rarely-explored sexual orientations. The chapter on Asexuality was especially informative, as was the chapter on grown adoptees having sexual and romantic attractions to the birth parents who abandoned them when they were babies or toddlers. A disturbing chapter on people who feel they are in relationship with animals folllows. Very well researched, and the author took a lot of risks locating those willing to talk about their unconventional feelings and lives.
February 3, 2022
I bought this book for the last two chapters, I’m not gonna lie.
I’ve always been interested in what we consider to be “normal”. It feels to me like most people I know, most people I interact with, have an idea of “normal” that’s not theirs but society’s. They’re just repeating things because it’s the “normal” thing to do and when you ask for clarifications they simply cannot answer. So I certainly enjoyed how this book dove into the assumption that “normality” is a specific set of universal rules, which really isn’t the case.
The first three chapters—on ethical non-monogamies, age gap relationships and asexuality—were kinda boring because I consider these 3 things to be completely normal and even part of my daily life. It was nice, though, to see an outsider like Tsoulis-Reay go into these discussions with an open mind and lots of empathy. She’s a nice guide for someone who’s struggling to understand these concepts because you can follow her struggles and see how she untangles her feelings by asking questions to other people and herself. Still, the ethical non-monogamies chapter was a little too short for my liking, but that’s because the topic is so broad and the book simply touched on the tip of the iceberg. For example, all of the protagonists of this chapter had open marriages—other configurations are not explored.
The last two chapters are… a different can of worms.
The “consensual” incest chapter was easier to swallow maybe because at the end it was implied that every and any incest relationship is inherently abusive. (And also both people are human. Which is kinda important.) I understand why that happened—and I’m happy that Shelly managed to escape her abusive relationship with her father—but at the same time I feel like the chapter was kinda lacking at the end. What about relationships that are not abusive? Do they exist? If they do, what makes them not inherently abusive? There were so many questions that weren’t even brought up. I would’ve loved (as much as the word “loved” can be used in this context…) to see a deeper dive into the discussion.
As for the zoophilia chapter. That was bad, I gotta admit it. It was deeply upsetting in more than one way. I’m glad I read it because it seriously asked some needed questions on our ethics towards animals. If we’re gonna use the whole “animals can’t consent” argument, we do need to ask ourselves why it’s so easy to overlook consent when it comes to animal breeding and/or the meat market as a whole. I think this chapter highlighted a lot of our hypocrisy when it comes to what is normal and what isn’t. It was still disturbing, though. Some of the questions asked... I mean, I feel for these people and for what they’re going through. The fact that they can’t talk about it really doesn’t help because they can’t even find the help needed to not hurt other living beings. But if there’s no informed consent, then there is no consent, I think.
Also, one thing that irked me is that at some point Paul talks about a furry website. Tsoulis-Reay did not explain what furries are. If someone doesn’t already know the term, after reading this book they’ll probably make the (wrong) connection between furries and zoophiles. That does a disservice to the furry community that’s not harming anyone—be them human or animal—and already has to suffer because of prejudice from outsiders.
All in all, the book wasn’t that bad, but it was barely a primer on most of these topics. I think that was the point: to spark a conversation. But still…
I’ve always been interested in what we consider to be “normal”. It feels to me like most people I know, most people I interact with, have an idea of “normal” that’s not theirs but society’s. They’re just repeating things because it’s the “normal” thing to do and when you ask for clarifications they simply cannot answer. So I certainly enjoyed how this book dove into the assumption that “normality” is a specific set of universal rules, which really isn’t the case.
The first three chapters—on ethical non-monogamies, age gap relationships and asexuality—were kinda boring because I consider these 3 things to be completely normal and even part of my daily life. It was nice, though, to see an outsider like Tsoulis-Reay go into these discussions with an open mind and lots of empathy. She’s a nice guide for someone who’s struggling to understand these concepts because you can follow her struggles and see how she untangles her feelings by asking questions to other people and herself. Still, the ethical non-monogamies chapter was a little too short for my liking, but that’s because the topic is so broad and the book simply touched on the tip of the iceberg. For example, all of the protagonists of this chapter had open marriages—other configurations are not explored.
The last two chapters are… a different can of worms.
The “consensual” incest chapter was easier to swallow maybe because at the end it was implied that every and any incest relationship is inherently abusive. (And also both people are human. Which is kinda important.) I understand why that happened—and I’m happy that Shelly managed to escape her abusive relationship with her father—but at the same time I feel like the chapter was kinda lacking at the end. What about relationships that are not abusive? Do they exist? If they do, what makes them not inherently abusive? There were so many questions that weren’t even brought up. I would’ve loved (as much as the word “loved” can be used in this context…) to see a deeper dive into the discussion.
As for the zoophilia chapter. That was bad, I gotta admit it. It was deeply upsetting in more than one way. I’m glad I read it because it seriously asked some needed questions on our ethics towards animals. If we’re gonna use the whole “animals can’t consent” argument, we do need to ask ourselves why it’s so easy to overlook consent when it comes to animal breeding and/or the meat market as a whole. I think this chapter highlighted a lot of our hypocrisy when it comes to what is normal and what isn’t. It was still disturbing, though. Some of the questions asked... I mean, I feel for these people and for what they’re going through. The fact that they can’t talk about it really doesn’t help because they can’t even find the help needed to not hurt other living beings. But if there’s no informed consent, then there is no consent, I think.
Also, one thing that irked me is that at some point Paul talks about a furry website. Tsoulis-Reay did not explain what furries are. If someone doesn’t already know the term, after reading this book they’ll probably make the (wrong) connection between furries and zoophiles. That does a disservice to the furry community that’s not harming anyone—be them human or animal—and already has to suffer because of prejudice from outsiders.
All in all, the book wasn’t that bad, but it was barely a primer on most of these topics. I think that was the point: to spark a conversation. But still…
March 15, 2022
*3.5*
Based on a series of interviews conducted for New York magazine’s human science column, Alexa Tsoulis-Reay explores the ways that people use the Internet to find community, forge connections, and create an identity for those who challenge a variety of accepted sexual and societal norms. Finding Normal: Sex, Love, and Taboo in Our Hyperconnected World shows the enduring power of the search for belonging and finding normal that are the definitive human struggles.
The first three chapters are good for anyone to read. It looks at polyamory, age-gape relationships, and asexuality. It helps those interested find help on social media and as well as internet groups mentioned in the book. Looking at these consensual relationships will help readers find their own truth and, maybe, even allow members to open up to each other. These chapters are well written in a fair voice. Stats are buffered by people's stories which gives the numbers human life.
The second half focuses on two taboos where power disparities are common. While I know the author was trying to see from others' points of view and made friends during her research, she lacks objectiveness in these later chapters. These chapters discuss the way the internet has made people with these taboos contact others like them, helping them through their anxiety and self-disgust. But in the end, the author becomes almost obsessed with the two people that are the most featured within these chapters.
The first taboo is Genetic Sexual Attraction Syndrome (GSA) and how consensual incest happens and how people can break away. The author distances herself which makes emotional sense the writer includes her emotional drama about any possibility of “encouraging” said behavior. I didn't need her psychological drama and it takes away from the people in these situations. By the time you get to the zoophilia chapter, you know she has “drank the kool-aid” so to speak. While there is intellectual debate on consent and logical arguments, there isn't the same discussion of power dynamics between humans and animals (especially a pet that depends on you for lively hood) as you see in the GSA chapter.
These two chapters aren't for just any book group. You have to have an open mind and understand the feeling of the person in the chapters. This does not mean condoning, but to understand why these things happen and how and when to help those that need it.
I found this book interesting especially the two later chapters. I enjoyed hearing from these people, what they felt and what happened to them in their life. I have a special interest in psychology and continuing my education by reading these anecdotes and statics included in this book.
Who this good for
Those that want to have an intellectual discussion about a variety of sexual preferences and the mindset of taboos
Who it's not for
Anyone who is sensitive to abuse, has the inability to discuss calmly, and who cannot separate the issues between not “normal” and unethical
Based on a series of interviews conducted for New York magazine’s human science column, Alexa Tsoulis-Reay explores the ways that people use the Internet to find community, forge connections, and create an identity for those who challenge a variety of accepted sexual and societal norms. Finding Normal: Sex, Love, and Taboo in Our Hyperconnected World shows the enduring power of the search for belonging and finding normal that are the definitive human struggles.
The first three chapters are good for anyone to read. It looks at polyamory, age-gape relationships, and asexuality. It helps those interested find help on social media and as well as internet groups mentioned in the book. Looking at these consensual relationships will help readers find their own truth and, maybe, even allow members to open up to each other. These chapters are well written in a fair voice. Stats are buffered by people's stories which gives the numbers human life.
The second half focuses on two taboos where power disparities are common. While I know the author was trying to see from others' points of view and made friends during her research, she lacks objectiveness in these later chapters. These chapters discuss the way the internet has made people with these taboos contact others like them, helping them through their anxiety and self-disgust. But in the end, the author becomes almost obsessed with the two people that are the most featured within these chapters.
The first taboo is Genetic Sexual Attraction Syndrome (GSA) and how consensual incest happens and how people can break away. The author distances herself which makes emotional sense the writer includes her emotional drama about any possibility of “encouraging” said behavior. I didn't need her psychological drama and it takes away from the people in these situations. By the time you get to the zoophilia chapter, you know she has “drank the kool-aid” so to speak. While there is intellectual debate on consent and logical arguments, there isn't the same discussion of power dynamics between humans and animals (especially a pet that depends on you for lively hood) as you see in the GSA chapter.
These two chapters aren't for just any book group. You have to have an open mind and understand the feeling of the person in the chapters. This does not mean condoning, but to understand why these things happen and how and when to help those that need it.
I found this book interesting especially the two later chapters. I enjoyed hearing from these people, what they felt and what happened to them in their life. I have a special interest in psychology and continuing my education by reading these anecdotes and statics included in this book.
Who this good for
Those that want to have an intellectual discussion about a variety of sexual preferences and the mindset of taboos
Who it's not for
Anyone who is sensitive to abuse, has the inability to discuss calmly, and who cannot separate the issues between not “normal” and unethical
December 31, 2021
*Please be aware of trigger warnings for this book before proceeding to read it and this review*
Tsoulis-Reay did an amazing job of being both a narrator and an educator in this book. She was sympathetic with the people she interviewed and very careful with their stories and how they came across. She was able to provide insight into what the public might think of these taboos, but also educate on where the people living these lives are coming from and how, other than their taboos, they are relatively normal people.
The first part of this book was exactly what I was expecting this book to be about. The only thing that sat a bit weird with me is the chapter on asexuality and aromantic folk. The two chapters before this (non-monogamy and age-gap relationships) are things that most people would do a double take at and majority of people would say is weird or taboo. I personally don't see someone who identifies as asexual and/or aromantic to be taboo, nor do I really believe that many people really ever saw this as taboo. It fits well under the normalizing part and function of this book, as it does detail how many people did not know about asexuality until the invention of the internet and communities were provided for these people to express themselves and realize they are not alone. But its stands out because it isn't in fact on the same level as the other topics. In a way I feel like it can almost be demeaning to ace folk.
The second part of this book really should have been a book of it's own I believe. It is a lot to take in and can be extremely triggering and upsetting to some folk. There was an extra layer to these stories that I think could have benefitted from being explored a bit deeper and explained more thoroughly. I assume most of the reactions to this part of the book are going to be that this is all gross, not normal, f-ed up, etc. And I would lying if I said I didn't have a gut reaction upon reading the first few pages of these chapters. However, this part of the book is also where the authour shines. She is about to relay information accurately, in a safe way, and make readers see that these people are in fact fairly normal and people we may encounter in our daily lives and just have no clue.
Ultimately, this really wasn't the book for me but definitely a book that will stick out in my mind.
Thank you to NetGalley and St.Martins Press for giving me this eARC in exchange for an honest review. The views and opinions are 100% my own.
Tsoulis-Reay did an amazing job of being both a narrator and an educator in this book. She was sympathetic with the people she interviewed and very careful with their stories and how they came across. She was able to provide insight into what the public might think of these taboos, but also educate on where the people living these lives are coming from and how, other than their taboos, they are relatively normal people.
The first part of this book was exactly what I was expecting this book to be about. The only thing that sat a bit weird with me is the chapter on asexuality and aromantic folk. The two chapters before this (non-monogamy and age-gap relationships) are things that most people would do a double take at and majority of people would say is weird or taboo. I personally don't see someone who identifies as asexual and/or aromantic to be taboo, nor do I really believe that many people really ever saw this as taboo. It fits well under the normalizing part and function of this book, as it does detail how many people did not know about asexuality until the invention of the internet and communities were provided for these people to express themselves and realize they are not alone. But its stands out because it isn't in fact on the same level as the other topics. In a way I feel like it can almost be demeaning to ace folk.
The second part of this book really should have been a book of it's own I believe. It is a lot to take in and can be extremely triggering and upsetting to some folk. There was an extra layer to these stories that I think could have benefitted from being explored a bit deeper and explained more thoroughly. I assume most of the reactions to this part of the book are going to be that this is all gross, not normal, f-ed up, etc. And I would lying if I said I didn't have a gut reaction upon reading the first few pages of these chapters. However, this part of the book is also where the authour shines. She is about to relay information accurately, in a safe way, and make readers see that these people are in fact fairly normal and people we may encounter in our daily lives and just have no clue.
Ultimately, this really wasn't the book for me but definitely a book that will stick out in my mind.
Thank you to NetGalley and St.Martins Press for giving me this eARC in exchange for an honest review. The views and opinions are 100% my own.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 24, 2022
It took me quite some time to organize my thoughts on this one, and to digest what I had just read over the course of a few days. My copy of Finding Normal ended up heavily highlighted, dog-eared, and stained with splashes of coffee. I had stayed up late into the night compulsively reading and researching the stories contained within the book, my curiosity taking me well beyond the pages and onto the internet where I found myself immersed on Reddit, Facebook, YouTube, and Google. I'd read a few lines, pull out my iPhone and end up scrolling endlessly through forums and research journals.
The first thing that struck me about Finding Normal was just how expertly investigated it was, and how compassionate a view Alexa took while researching her stories. Her talent as a journalist shines bright within the book, not only is it well-written, but to agree with critics, Alexa's courage is unmatched.
She steps back from her subjects, and views them with a non-judgmental lens, which I appreciated. While she may have had disturbing thoughts running through her mind at times, she never expressed those with people she met. Instead, she earned their trust, befriended them, and told their stories. She connected with them on a normal human to human level.
What you'll find in the book will surprise, and perhaps shock you. Finding Normal is split into two sections, with part one discussing "people who have come of age in the hyperconnected era", and part two, which Tsoulis-Reay warns readers may cause distress, "are based on the most viral, and controversial interviews from "What It's Like." It was part two that I found I needed some breathing space between reads, since it discusses incest, GSA (genetic sexual attraction), and zoophilia (a sexual fixation on non-human animals).
To conclude, Alexa asks some big questions in Finding Normal, and leaves readers deep in rumination with this thought-provoking novel. What is normal? How do we define it? And what gives us the right to judge what another person feels? If you had asked me my opinions on many of these topics before I picked up this book, I would have looked at you with disgust, and I have to admit that I still feel judgment towards some of what I read, but mostly I came away feeling educated, and a deep respect for Alexa Tsoulis-Reay and her work.
Avocado Diaries
The first thing that struck me about Finding Normal was just how expertly investigated it was, and how compassionate a view Alexa took while researching her stories. Her talent as a journalist shines bright within the book, not only is it well-written, but to agree with critics, Alexa's courage is unmatched.
She steps back from her subjects, and views them with a non-judgmental lens, which I appreciated. While she may have had disturbing thoughts running through her mind at times, she never expressed those with people she met. Instead, she earned their trust, befriended them, and told their stories. She connected with them on a normal human to human level.
What you'll find in the book will surprise, and perhaps shock you. Finding Normal is split into two sections, with part one discussing "people who have come of age in the hyperconnected era", and part two, which Tsoulis-Reay warns readers may cause distress, "are based on the most viral, and controversial interviews from "What It's Like." It was part two that I found I needed some breathing space between reads, since it discusses incest, GSA (genetic sexual attraction), and zoophilia (a sexual fixation on non-human animals).
To conclude, Alexa asks some big questions in Finding Normal, and leaves readers deep in rumination with this thought-provoking novel. What is normal? How do we define it? And what gives us the right to judge what another person feels? If you had asked me my opinions on many of these topics before I picked up this book, I would have looked at you with disgust, and I have to admit that I still feel judgment towards some of what I read, but mostly I came away feeling educated, and a deep respect for Alexa Tsoulis-Reay and her work.
Avocado Diaries
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February 19, 2022I received a copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
Alexa Tsoulis-Reay explores the sliding scale of socially acceptable sexualities.
As the internet has become more accessible and conversations about sexuality have become more prevalent, the concept of "normal" has evolved. Social media has led people to find others with similar interests and proclivities, allowing them to feel "normal" in these communities, and in turn, accept that there is nothing wrong with them. Overall, I think this is amazing and wonderful and so important for people who are struggling with acceptance in their families and physical communities. However, this also means that people with "extreme" taboos are also able to find communities where their thoughts and practices are normal. While the first half of this book covers what I would call "acceptable" non-normative sexuality (asexuality, consensual non-monogamy, and age gap relationships), the second half covers genetic sexual attraction/incest (mostly adult adoptees reunited with birth parents,) and zoophilia.
Going into this book, the "hyperconnected" part of the title had me expecting that the focus would be about finding connections and communities with like-minded people online. Maybe even some analysis about how our society may be more connected technologically but less so personally. The "sex, love, and taboo" part of the title had me thinking the author would possibly highlight and offer insight into various kinks or fetishes.
I want to give this book 5 stars for its originality and the objective reporting by its author but I also want to give it 1 star because I draw the line at any type of sexuality involving children and animals. For those reasons, I will not be rating this title. Also, I don't think I will ever recommend this to someone unless referencing it as an example of the vast spectrum of human sexuality.
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Alexa Tsoulis-Reay explores the sliding scale of socially acceptable sexualities.
As the internet has become more accessible and conversations about sexuality have become more prevalent, the concept of "normal" has evolved. Social media has led people to find others with similar interests and proclivities, allowing them to feel "normal" in these communities, and in turn, accept that there is nothing wrong with them. Overall, I think this is amazing and wonderful and so important for people who are struggling with acceptance in their families and physical communities. However, this also means that people with "extreme" taboos are also able to find communities where their thoughts and practices are normal. While the first half of this book covers what I would call "acceptable" non-normative sexuality (asexuality, consensual non-monogamy, and age gap relationships), the second half covers genetic sexual attraction/incest (mostly adult adoptees reunited with birth parents,) and zoophilia.
Going into this book, the "hyperconnected" part of the title had me expecting that the focus would be about finding connections and communities with like-minded people online. Maybe even some analysis about how our society may be more connected technologically but less so personally. The "sex, love, and taboo" part of the title had me thinking the author would possibly highlight and offer insight into various kinks or fetishes.
I want to give this book 5 stars for its originality and the objective reporting by its author but I also want to give it 1 star because I draw the line at any type of sexuality involving children and animals. For those reasons, I will not be rating this title. Also, I don't think I will ever recommend this to someone unless referencing it as an example of the vast spectrum of human sexuality.
Come chat with me about books here, too:
Blog | Instagram | Twitter | Pinterest
February 27, 2022
TL;DR: I thought the content was interesting and worth learning about, but the lack of a strong narrative voice had me bored and skimming through much of the first three chapters. It's worth reading, especially the final two chapters, but I'd call this one a solidly average book.
I was very excited to read this book, so much so that I had my local library buy a copy, because I barely ever see anyone actually listening and trying to understand the perspectives of "deviants." Unfortunately my expectations were too high. This author does not have a strong narrative voice, and it's the worst during the first three chapters. It felt almost like reading a Wikipedia entry. This gets better as you move into the "transgressing normal" section, where the author has to inject her own opinions to make sense of the relationships she's observing. I felt the weakest chapter was the third, "Maddy," which felt very much like a queer 101 crash course. If you're a millenial and any flavor of LGBT it will probably be very boring because you've already lived through much of what the author writes about. I was genuinely interested in the chapters on polyamory and age-gap relationships, and I found myself doubting my own preconcieved notions and realizing I was being closed-minded. The most intersting chapters are, of course, the final two, which are about incest and zoophilia respectively. The author is thoughtful and respectful to the people in these situations, but makes it clear where she believes lines have been crossed - especially when incest advocates co-opt queer terminology - and I generally found myself agreeing with her. The zoophilia section explores multiple perspectives on the issue, which was wonderfully informative.
Unfortunately, there is a moment where a person's autism is described as a "failing," which was insulting to read as an autistic person. If only the author extended the same thoughtfulness and consideration to autistic people as she did zoophiles.
That said, to all the people who are upset because they think the author is comparing asexuality to incest: she's not, and it's very clear if you actually read the book. Are you mad just at the mere mention of deviancy? I mean, "sex" and "taboo" are literally in the title. What were you expecting?
I was very excited to read this book, so much so that I had my local library buy a copy, because I barely ever see anyone actually listening and trying to understand the perspectives of "deviants." Unfortunately my expectations were too high. This author does not have a strong narrative voice, and it's the worst during the first three chapters. It felt almost like reading a Wikipedia entry. This gets better as you move into the "transgressing normal" section, where the author has to inject her own opinions to make sense of the relationships she's observing. I felt the weakest chapter was the third, "Maddy," which felt very much like a queer 101 crash course. If you're a millenial and any flavor of LGBT it will probably be very boring because you've already lived through much of what the author writes about. I was genuinely interested in the chapters on polyamory and age-gap relationships, and I found myself doubting my own preconcieved notions and realizing I was being closed-minded. The most intersting chapters are, of course, the final two, which are about incest and zoophilia respectively. The author is thoughtful and respectful to the people in these situations, but makes it clear where she believes lines have been crossed - especially when incest advocates co-opt queer terminology - and I generally found myself agreeing with her. The zoophilia section explores multiple perspectives on the issue, which was wonderfully informative.
Unfortunately, there is a moment where a person's autism is described as a "failing," which was insulting to read as an autistic person. If only the author extended the same thoughtfulness and consideration to autistic people as she did zoophiles.
That said, to all the people who are upset because they think the author is comparing asexuality to incest: she's not, and it's very clear if you actually read the book. Are you mad just at the mere mention of deviancy? I mean, "sex" and "taboo" are literally in the title. What were you expecting?
February 1, 2022
Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for the opportunity to review an e-ARC of Finding Normal. This collection of essays packed a lot of information, as the author Alexa Tsohlis-Reay kept in contact with some of the interview subjects for years. It was interesting to see how different people's perception of "normal" can be.
The first half of the book focuses on polyamory, age gap relationships, and asexuality. These are three groups that I would not have thought of as not being considered "normal" because of my own experiences with people who fit into these categories. The portion on asexuality was the most informative to me and I enjoyed learning.
The second half of the book was difficult because I found the subject matter ("consensual" incest and zoophilia) extremely disturbing. The topic of incest mostly covered adoptees reuinited with birth parents who then entereed into "romantic" and sexual relationships with them. As a birth parent myself this was appalling to me and I could not empathise in any way. It struck me as horrific abuse on the parts of the birth parents. Likewise, the zoopholia chapter horrified me. The author focused a lot on whether or not consent can happen with animals, which was interesting because it focused on nonverbal cues but did nothing to sway my belief that romantic/sexual relationships with animals is completely wrong. It felt that the author was trying to make the point that people should be more open minded about that, but I just couldn't. I'm perfectly fine with my inability to accept incest or zoophilia.
Overall, I would recommend the book for the chapters on polyamory, age gap relationships, and asexuality. The chapters on incest and zoophilia could be really triggering but if you can get past that, it was still interesting to read about the mindsets of the people involved.
The first half of the book focuses on polyamory, age gap relationships, and asexuality. These are three groups that I would not have thought of as not being considered "normal" because of my own experiences with people who fit into these categories. The portion on asexuality was the most informative to me and I enjoyed learning.
The second half of the book was difficult because I found the subject matter ("consensual" incest and zoophilia) extremely disturbing. The topic of incest mostly covered adoptees reuinited with birth parents who then entereed into "romantic" and sexual relationships with them. As a birth parent myself this was appalling to me and I could not empathise in any way. It struck me as horrific abuse on the parts of the birth parents. Likewise, the zoopholia chapter horrified me. The author focused a lot on whether or not consent can happen with animals, which was interesting because it focused on nonverbal cues but did nothing to sway my belief that romantic/sexual relationships with animals is completely wrong. It felt that the author was trying to make the point that people should be more open minded about that, but I just couldn't. I'm perfectly fine with my inability to accept incest or zoophilia.
Overall, I would recommend the book for the chapters on polyamory, age gap relationships, and asexuality. The chapters on incest and zoophilia could be really triggering but if you can get past that, it was still interesting to read about the mindsets of the people involved.
September 12, 2021
I was a pretty big fan of this book. Interesting non-fiction book that looks at how the internet has allowed people who society has not always deemed "normal" find communities, as well as whether that is a positive or negative thing. The author admits times that she herself has realized she is biased, and whether or not she ultimately overcame that or found her initial reaction justified. In addition, the author points out times where people who do not necessarily meet most people's definition of "normal" have their own biases about certain groups of people who also are not necessarily society's "normal." In doing this, the author encourages the reader to recognize his/her/their own biases, and analyze these biases to determine if they should re-think (while making it clear that not all disgust/distrust is unfounded).
Interesting analysis, although the book feels a little short/abrupt. The book is split into two sections, but it feels like more time in the book overall is spent on the first portion. This feeling is kind of disappointing because Part II, while dealing with things that people are less likely to want to read about, is dealing with the harder questions. It could be that part II actually is not shorter, since the subjects are more taboo, and so the author seems to have had more difficulty identifying individuals who were willing to speak with her (I have an eARC, so can be tricky to tell # pages, etc., devoted to any particular part/section). But it feels as though the second part is less complete, and not fully developed.
Still, overall, interesting subject matter. If you are interested in the concept of "normal," or how the internet has allowed people to communicate in ways that were difficult beforehand, I 100% recommend.
Interesting analysis, although the book feels a little short/abrupt. The book is split into two sections, but it feels like more time in the book overall is spent on the first portion. This feeling is kind of disappointing because Part II, while dealing with things that people are less likely to want to read about, is dealing with the harder questions. It could be that part II actually is not shorter, since the subjects are more taboo, and so the author seems to have had more difficulty identifying individuals who were willing to speak with her (I have an eARC, so can be tricky to tell # pages, etc., devoted to any particular part/section). But it feels as though the second part is less complete, and not fully developed.
Still, overall, interesting subject matter. If you are interested in the concept of "normal," or how the internet has allowed people to communicate in ways that were difficult beforehand, I 100% recommend.
June 17, 2024
This was a surprisingly enlightening read. The author is very upfront about her own biases and the lack of scholarly intent and rigor in her researach, which helped me understand this book not as a survey of atypical sexuality but as a collection of interviews with otherwise unremarkable people.
The author delves deep into the few topics for which she was able to develop personal relationships. I listened to this a couple weeks ago and a cursory search doesn't find a chapter list, but IIRC the book includes practitioners of ethical non-monogamy, father/daughter incest and bestiality. She meets all of these people with grace and understanding; there is not a whiff of daytime TV prurience or judgement. The evolution of her feelings around the incestual relationship was probably the highlight of the book for me.
I can't say learning about any of the people she interviewed changed how I feel about my own sexuality or sexual expression; and I haven't changed my attitude towards the people she interviewed. But she definitely painted them as whole, complete people who are much more than just their sexuality.
What was most telling, however, was what the author didn't include in the book. For example, she mentioned that she's been in contact with brother/sister consensual incest couples, that would have been a great contrast to the people she did interview. I'm not familiar with her column, but from her introduction/disclosure she mentioned that she's been in touch with people from all over the farthest ranges of the sexual spectrum. I hope she comes out with another book with more interviews.
I listened to the audiobook via Overdrive from my local library.
The author delves deep into the few topics for which she was able to develop personal relationships. I listened to this a couple weeks ago and a cursory search doesn't find a chapter list, but IIRC the book includes practitioners of ethical non-monogamy, father/daughter incest and bestiality. She meets all of these people with grace and understanding; there is not a whiff of daytime TV prurience or judgement. The evolution of her feelings around the incestual relationship was probably the highlight of the book for me.
I can't say learning about any of the people she interviewed changed how I feel about my own sexuality or sexual expression; and I haven't changed my attitude towards the people she interviewed. But she definitely painted them as whole, complete people who are much more than just their sexuality.
What was most telling, however, was what the author didn't include in the book. For example, she mentioned that she's been in contact with brother/sister consensual incest couples, that would have been a great contrast to the people she did interview. I'm not familiar with her column, but from her introduction/disclosure she mentioned that she's been in touch with people from all over the farthest ranges of the sexual spectrum. I hope she comes out with another book with more interviews.
I listened to the audiobook via Overdrive from my local library.
January 30, 2022
This title and description was too good to resist. Wild.
I found myself speed reading the "usual" sexualities that were covered in the first part like polyamorous, lgbt, asexual, and age gaps to head into the more scandalous ones in part two. I found the reporting to be very neutral, and objective all throughout. The writer adds her two cents here and there, and lots of disclaimers about she is not advocating for anyone or giving them a platform. The chapters on each are very lengthly and I almost feel like Part 1 should have been condensed, for interest sake more than anything.
Part 2 covers consensual incest and zoophiles. Scandalous. Again, very objective reporting on the people that volunteered to talk. I enjoyed the foray into psychology on the incest one, and was feeling some empathy for the zoophile by the end of that one, surprisingly. I enjoyed reading about the people and deciding for myself where I stand morally on their confessions.
I think Part 2 should have been the meat of the book and expanded, as there are opportunities to cover more. For the age gap in Part 1, I was almost expecting a pedophile to be interviewed because just like incest and sex with animals, is illegal. By the end of this, I was also wondering about the people that have kinks and are into feet, bdsm, furries and all that. While these might just be kinks instead of sexual orientations, generally I would have been interested in more coverage of the abnormal.
Thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for an honest review.
I found myself speed reading the "usual" sexualities that were covered in the first part like polyamorous, lgbt, asexual, and age gaps to head into the more scandalous ones in part two. I found the reporting to be very neutral, and objective all throughout. The writer adds her two cents here and there, and lots of disclaimers about she is not advocating for anyone or giving them a platform. The chapters on each are very lengthly and I almost feel like Part 1 should have been condensed, for interest sake more than anything.
Part 2 covers consensual incest and zoophiles. Scandalous. Again, very objective reporting on the people that volunteered to talk. I enjoyed the foray into psychology on the incest one, and was feeling some empathy for the zoophile by the end of that one, surprisingly. I enjoyed reading about the people and deciding for myself where I stand morally on their confessions.
I think Part 2 should have been the meat of the book and expanded, as there are opportunities to cover more. For the age gap in Part 1, I was almost expecting a pedophile to be interviewed because just like incest and sex with animals, is illegal. By the end of this, I was also wondering about the people that have kinks and are into feet, bdsm, furries and all that. While these might just be kinks instead of sexual orientations, generally I would have been interested in more coverage of the abnormal.
Thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for an honest review.
February 14, 2025
I got this from the library because I've always been fascinated by the stories of people who live their lives in an alternative fashion. And this seems like a good way to read about the way different people live. And the author did decent job of this. She's definitely a bit long-winded, and I felt that several of the chapters we're drawn out more than they needed to be.... But I did enjoy that she touched on a few subjects that make people uncomfortable.
The last two chapters were probably the last in the book for a reason. The chapter on GSA was interesting, though I imagine it would make most people uncomfortable. It personally didn't really bother me because the offer Kempton fairly neutral opinion and there were several references to the fact but it is problematic and can often be abusive.
But that last chapter was just NOPE. As much as I want to keep an open mind.... People wanting to have sex with animals is just Too freaking icky and weird to me. Animals cannot consent, they cannot speak, and they don't have sex for pleasure, therefore they do not want to get it on with humans!!! I felt nauseated reading about it... And I have a strong stomach.
I'm all for bringing awareness to Alternative lifestyles, and making things that are different acceptable, but people being intimate with animals is 100% not something we should be trying to normalize. I feel like that's way too close to trying to normalize people having interest in children. It's just flat out disgusting....
The last two chapters were probably the last in the book for a reason. The chapter on GSA was interesting, though I imagine it would make most people uncomfortable. It personally didn't really bother me because the offer Kempton fairly neutral opinion and there were several references to the fact but it is problematic and can often be abusive.
But that last chapter was just NOPE. As much as I want to keep an open mind.... People wanting to have sex with animals is just Too freaking icky and weird to me. Animals cannot consent, they cannot speak, and they don't have sex for pleasure, therefore they do not want to get it on with humans!!! I felt nauseated reading about it... And I have a strong stomach.
I'm all for bringing awareness to Alternative lifestyles, and making things that are different acceptable, but people being intimate with animals is 100% not something we should be trying to normalize. I feel like that's way too close to trying to normalize people having interest in children. It's just flat out disgusting....
January 4, 2022
edit: I skipped some stuff but read most of the last bit just to say I finished (apparently 15% of e-copy was notes bibliography etc). everything still stands — first part was boring with no real perspective, second part was A Lot and not enjoyable or well structured to be thought provoking. pass!
…
Yeah, I couldn’t finish this one, I made it 75% through but the chapter on bestiality was as bad as the trigger warnings professed. Of what I did read, the author does not have any interesting exploration of her subject matter and the framing was nothing special, it is pretty dry and the questions for thought at the end of each chapter just felt tacked on and limp. The chapter on age gap relationships turned out to be familiar to me already as I’d seen the primary couple featured on that snapchat segment “Love Don’t Judge,” and this book is kind of that writ large — no real discussion, just a presentation of people. And the two poles are 1) things you’re probably familiar with, asexuality and polyamory and 2) incest and bestiality.
As a real criticism for publishers, I know that the chapter titles were probably left just as the interviewee’s names in order to emphasize them as people over their sexual proclivities, but I wish that the titles had something to do with the content of the chapter so as a reader I could gauge exactly what I’m about to read or what chapters I want to skip without having to be deep into them.
…
Yeah, I couldn’t finish this one, I made it 75% through but the chapter on bestiality was as bad as the trigger warnings professed. Of what I did read, the author does not have any interesting exploration of her subject matter and the framing was nothing special, it is pretty dry and the questions for thought at the end of each chapter just felt tacked on and limp. The chapter on age gap relationships turned out to be familiar to me already as I’d seen the primary couple featured on that snapchat segment “Love Don’t Judge,” and this book is kind of that writ large — no real discussion, just a presentation of people. And the two poles are 1) things you’re probably familiar with, asexuality and polyamory and 2) incest and bestiality.
As a real criticism for publishers, I know that the chapter titles were probably left just as the interviewee’s names in order to emphasize them as people over their sexual proclivities, but I wish that the titles had something to do with the content of the chapter so as a reader I could gauge exactly what I’m about to read or what chapters I want to skip without having to be deep into them.
January 26, 2022
This is a well-researched series of articles that the author originally posted in New York Magazine. These cover groups of people who are on societies fringes with the lifestyles they choose to live on. Some being on the mild side and some way on the dark side but all that would people who would be shunned in so-called normal society. This also covers how the internet has brought these likeminded people together. The mild side covers people who are in non-monogamy relationships, asexuals, relationships with extreme age differences. These cover a majority of the book but the author does cover some extreme taboo subjects and this is separated in the book by a warning page before you move on to these chapters and this maybe the stopping point for some who read this book. The author does not push any of these types of relationships or acts but there will be some who will claim she is an enabler or trying to normalize this type of behavior or that she is responsible for assisting in this country's moral decline. One story i really found disturbing was how they attempted to handle unwed teenage mothers in their attempt to reassimilate these girls back into society with their reputation intact.
March 17, 2022
This was a weird one and I’m not entirely sure how to rate it. I almost felt like the author was able to write more neutrally about the final two chapters than the earlier chapters; I sensed judgment from the author particularly during some of the poly segments.
The earlier chapters were very drawn out and weren’t anything that hasn’t been written about before. I’m not sure who the target audience for this book was supposed to be. People who are not usually phased by taboo would probably be bored by the first part and interested to read the second part. People who are more shocked by such things would probably be interested by the first part and, judging from other reviews, feel that the second part had gone too far.
The chapter about animals was in particular seemed to leave out relevant information because some of it discusses animals and consent in the context that we eat animals and breed animals. But vegans argue that this isn’t ethical behavior either, precisely because of issues of consent, and that wasn’t mentioned (at least not in depth, unless I really zoned out during that bit).
I think this would have been better off as individual standalone articles, like this apparently started, rather than a book.
The earlier chapters were very drawn out and weren’t anything that hasn’t been written about before. I’m not sure who the target audience for this book was supposed to be. People who are not usually phased by taboo would probably be bored by the first part and interested to read the second part. People who are more shocked by such things would probably be interested by the first part and, judging from other reviews, feel that the second part had gone too far.
The chapter about animals was in particular seemed to leave out relevant information because some of it discusses animals and consent in the context that we eat animals and breed animals. But vegans argue that this isn’t ethical behavior either, precisely because of issues of consent, and that wasn’t mentioned (at least not in depth, unless I really zoned out during that bit).
I think this would have been better off as individual standalone articles, like this apparently started, rather than a book.
Read
August 23, 2024I picked this up and was so excited. I hadn't done any research about it, read the intro, and promptly forgot about it for years. So when I was in a slump last week I picked it up and dived right into the audio version. Initially, I had concerns with the way that Tsoulis-Reay could not keep a tone of neutrality when discussing open/poly relationships but pushed on. However, that concern ballooned when she puts poly/open relationships, asexuality, and (non-related) age-gap relationships in the same book as incest and bestiality. My concern is that by doing that, she equates these consensual and ethical dynamics as being as taboo as the latter two. I think that there are spaces for books or research on taboo dynamics, and an audience for them, but I do not think that these dynamics should have all been thrown together in one single book. In addition, I found that while Tsoulis-Reay could not help from showing her judgement, she also equated the persecution she faced as equal to the persecution her interviewees faced. She is at times seemingly clueless but frequently self-absorbed. This wasn't for me, but perhaps could have been if she had split the topics. I'm all over the place but ultimately I can't recommend this book.
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