Управление гневом. Как не выходить из себя, спокойно реагировать на все и справиться с самой разрушительной эмоцией

by Albert Ellis

Не можете справиться с собственным гневом?
Кто-то из ваших близких постоянно кричит, возмущается, впадает в ярость?
Между вами и окружающими чуть что вспыхивают искры?
В книге, которая уже помогла миллионам читателей, взять гнев в узду, всемирно известный психотерапевт Альберт Эллис рассказывает, как вы можете стать более уравновешенными. Бесконтрольный гнев способен причинить огромный ущерб жизни. Результатом его проявлений бывают разрушенные отношения, потерянные рабочие места, даже серьезные болезни.
Несложные советы и упражнения помогут понять корни и природу гнева, а также взять его под контроль и перестать попусту гневаться.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Audiobook

240 pages, Hardcover

First published August 1, 1997

About the author

Albert Ellis was an American psychologist who in 1955 developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). He held M.A. and Ph.D. degrees in clinical psychology from Columbia University and American Board of Professional Psychology (ABPP). He also founded and was the President of the New York City-based Albert Ellis Institute for decades.
He is generally considered to be one of the originators of the cognitive revolutionary paradigm shift in psychotherapy and the founder of cognitive-behavioral therapies. Based on a 1982 professional survey of USA and Canadian psychologists, he was considered as the second most influential psychotherapist in history (Carl Rogers ranked first in the survey; Sigmund Freud was ranked third).

Reviews

[Davina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found it interesting. Seems to be in line with many Buddhist teachings. Essentially, saying you have more control over your emotions than you may think. I found this book very engaging.

[Phillip · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read 9 Albert Ellis books in the past month and a half. Obviously I recommend them.

[Austin Pierce · Rating 5 out of 5]

Albert Ellis is an underrated genius.

[Bridgett · Rating 4 out of 5]

I learned a lot about self-acceptance and how insisting people "must" do something leads to anger and rage.

[Kendra · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I agree with most of the concepts in this book, I found the book itself repetitive, dull, and annoying at times. I liked the section in the very beginning where he was discussing real client's issues with anger and how to address these issues. However, for some reason he abandoned this approach after the first few pages and stuck with the same hypothetical situation throughout the entire book. While this says something about consistency, it also leads the reader to feel as if they are beating a dead horse by the end of the book. If you decide to read this I would recommend taking the few wise nuggets and leaving the rest. The book probably would have been better written as a short pamphlet.

[Evan · Rating 2 out of 5]

First published in 1997, this book reads more like that date was 1947 (We're going to lick this problem but good, old chum!). Aside from the cringey lingo, the advice is beyond stiff and clinical with the bulk of it centering around in-depth introspection and complex dissection of the feelings and assumptions that underlie the outward expression of anger; which is all but impossible in the heat of the moment. Definitely not recommended, I have to imagine there are better alternatives out there.

[Andrew Alterman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good insights, but bogs down explaining the logic of self evident truth. Big premise in the book is because something exists it may cause displeasure, but it is not something that "must" not happen. Must and should are thoughts that drive anger by by promoting the illogical belief we will never be mistreated or experience negative life events. Recognize reality and the emotion it caused, a bad thing happened and it was frustrating, disappointing, etc. Is a healthier approach to creating logical beliefs to address anger and be assertive.

[Aura · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has a few useful tips and some good information.

[Faith Niles · Rating 5 out of 5]

Feel like this book is one EVERYONE needs to read

[Anne Secher · Rating 3 out of 5]

La terapia creada por Albert Ellis, la TREC, ofrece herramientas para poder alcanzar manejo de las emociones; sin embargo, algunos de los argumentos que manifiesta necesarios no son muy factibles en el momento en que se dan las situaciones que llevan al individuo al descontrol.

[Diana]

I don't feel okay rating this as I began it during the summer and I listened to the last two hours on x2 speed while going home from work, just to have another book to add to Goodreads. Oh well. It makes some good points.

[Aneri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Apie pyktį, mūsų reakcijas į situacijas ir kaip patys savyje tą pyktį sukuriame bei kurstome.

[Alina Balan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Foarte educativă si cu sfaturi explicite care sa te ajute sa iti gestionezi furia si alte emoții negative.

[Anino · Rating 5 out of 5]

ARC received via Netgalley and the Publisher, in exchanged for an honest review.

Simply puy, this is a commonsense (& not mention , no nonsense) guide to anger, that fully breaks down the pathways to (the) rational and irrational beliefs that can help us to process our anger in a healthy or destructive manner.

In my opinion, this should be required reading for children, teens, and young adults as well. As a matter of fact, this should be part of every school's required curriculum.

With all of the goofiness going in in the world right now, everyone, and I do mean everyone, could benefit from learning how to identify and process their anger.

Giving this one: 5 stars

[Denise Morse · Rating 2 out of 5]

The book started strong with great examples but lost steam when the technique was discussed. I though the example given during the technique was a little harder to follow than I had hoped it would be. I liked the information about the rational and irrational thoughts, and I will try to use that in the future. It would be interesting to have a parenting spin on this, with most focus on dealing with frustration.

[Diana-Michaela Shaffner · Rating 3 out of 5]

This work on anger offers one main takeaway point. You and you alone create your own anger by harboring underlying anger creating beliefs. A few suggested exercises are designed to help the reader discover his or her own underlying absolutistic and demanding thoughts. The goal is to change your thinking to where you can embrace a person's 'rotten' behavior as their right to display this behavior.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Come psicoterapeuta e psichiatra so che, in alcuni casi, le linee guida consigliano il cosiddetto self-help guidato basato sulla CBT. Tuttavia, è spesso difficile trovare materiale davvero valido. Questo libro rappresenta un’ottima eccezione: chiaro, ben strutturato e realmente utile. Del resto, la CBT affonda le sue radici negli studi di Ellis, oltre che in quelli di Beck.

[Brett Nocerini · Rating 1 out of 5]

Couldn't get through it. The plan is too wishy washy and "soft." Although I suspect there is no magic bullet to getting a better attitude. I'm going to just stick to meditation.

[Ioana Sanziana Luca · Rating 5 out of 5]

A relaxing book about how to control your thoughts in different situations, and how we are actually the ones that are making our lives worse and how to fix it of course. Enjoyable till the end

[Spellbind Consensus]

**How to Control Your Anger: Before It Controls You** by Albert Ellis and Raymond Chip Tafrate offers a practical, psychologically grounded approach to managing anger and preventing it from causing harm in one’s personal and professional life. Drawing from the principles of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), the book provides readers with actionable tools to understand, regulate, and transform their anger into more constructive responses.

The authors begin by explaining the nature of anger, emphasizing that it is a normal human emotion, but becomes problematic when it is excessive, inappropriate, or persistent. They clarify common misconceptions—such as the belief that anger is uncontrollable or always justified—and highlight how unexamined anger can damage relationships, decision-making, and health.

Central to the book is the idea that **anger is not just a reaction to events, but a result of our beliefs and interpretations about those events**. Ellis and Tafrate guide readers to identify the irrational beliefs and self-talk that fuel anger, such as “People must treat me fairly” or “I can’t stand being disrespected.” They teach that by changing these underlying thoughts, individuals can gain control over their emotional responses.

The book outlines a clear, step-by-step method for managing anger:

1. **Awareness and Acknowledgment:**
Recognizing the early signs of anger—both physical and mental—and accepting responsibility for one’s reactions.

2. **Identifying Triggers and Patterns:**
Keeping track of situations, people, or thoughts that commonly provoke anger. Understanding personal anger triggers is essential for prevention.

3. **Challenging Irrational Beliefs:**
Using REBT techniques, readers are shown how to dispute unhelpful or exaggerated beliefs and replace them with more rational, balanced perspectives.

4. **Developing Alternative Responses:**
Learning and practicing healthier ways to respond to provocations, such as assertive communication, problem-solving, relaxation techniques, and empathy.

5. **Long-Term Strategies:**
Building emotional resilience through ongoing practice, self-reflection, and sometimes seeking professional support. The authors stress the importance of patience and persistence, as change takes time.

Throughout the book, Ellis and Tafrate provide practical exercises, real-life examples, and worksheets to help readers internalize and apply the principles. They address various contexts in which anger arises—work, family, relationships, and everyday life—and offer guidance tailored to each situation.

The authors also discuss the benefits of expressing anger in healthy ways rather than suppressing or exploding, emphasizing that **the goal is not to eliminate anger, but to manage it constructively**. They encourage readers to view anger as a signal for needed change, rather than a force that must dominate their actions.

Ultimately, the book empowers readers to take charge of their emotional lives, teaching that with awareness, understanding, and the right strategies, anyone can control their anger before it controls them.

[Annabel Frye · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nothing has been more helpful in managing my anger. Essentially it teaches you that your anger is based on irrational beliefs and that you need to change your beliefs in order to change your feelings of anger. Controlling your actions and suppressing your anger can only get you so far, you need to change the way you think if you don’t want to feel angry in the first place. Albert Ellis teaches that we make ourselves angry through our irrational philosophies and he have to work really hard to go dispute and debate our cognitive distortions.

REBT was formulated and founded by Albert Ellis and is the predecessor of CBT, which was also formulated by Ellis and is the widely preferred form of talk therapy used today. While CBT is very effective for anxiety and depression, It has never helped me in my search for anger management. REBT is different because it teaches you to be radically accountable for your own anger. CBT teaches that anger is a secondary emotion in response to some sort of need not being met, and we need to search for that need. But personally, this only ever invalidated my feelings of anger while simultaneously validating my core reasons for becoming angry, therefore making me feel even more angry. What REBT teaches you is that you’re fine. You are absolutely fine. You don’t “need” everything to go your way and everyone to treat you perfectly fair in order to be happy. The world will keep turning and you can still enjoy life if something isn’t right and there is no sense it logic or rationale in making yourself angry over it.

It teaches that anger is much like anxiety except anger irrationally finds faults in external things. It finds something to blame while anxiety is focused inwards on yourself. Both are irrational fight or flight responses. Anger is “fight” and fear and anxiety is the “flight”. What you need to do is recognize that there is no real danger to your body or your mind and that you are reacting irrationally. How you do this is by identifying the irrational belief you are holding that is angering you (or rather making you anger yourself), and vehemently dispute it.

It’s fantastic and I notice a huge change not only in how I’m acting but how I FEEL. It’s not just anger management or suppression, it is truly an anger cure. Only reason it’s getting 4/5 is because it is honestly not written very well and could have done with quite a bit more editing. If you can look past that, this book is extremely useful and can change your life if you take it seriously.

[Roberto Carlos Espinosa Macías · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Una de las grandes paradojas de la psicoterapia es que, siendo la ira una de las emociones más destructivas la gente suele estar bastante confundida al respecto"

Como alguien en preparación para el abordaje de la salud mental, la tristeza y la ansiedad patológicas son las emociones que más se abordan durante la consulta, pero son pocas las veces en que la ira se aborda y cuando se hace hay muchas contradicciones respecto a su manejo, ya sea adoptar una actitud pasiva o expresarla libremente sin tomar en cuenta que esto puedo aumentarla o las represalias de dichas decisiones. Por ello, decidí leer este libro.
Algo que puedo aplaudir, es utilizar la Terapia Racional Emotivo-Conductual para desmenuzar esta emoción como la experiencia y consecuencias físicas, las consecuencias interpersonales e internas, los consejos controversiales sobre su manejo y contención, las creencias racionales e irracionales que la componen así como consejos para disputar las segundas constantemente, la ira sana y malsana, ejercicios de contención y otras conductas para poder lidiar con ella que requieren disciplina para disminuir su intensidad.
Lo "negativo" que puedo darle a esta obra, es lo repetitivo que puede ser a partir de la segunda mitad del libro respecto a la disputa de creencias irracionales, pero es la adaptación de los ejemplos que acompañan a los consejos sobre que conductas y procesos cognitivos que se recomiendan tomar, aunque, desde luego se podría ilustrar de mejor manera con otros ejemplos. Por último, a veces los ejemplos sobre que proceso cognitivo llevar a cabo durante las disputas de las creencias irracionales, puede llegar a ser rocambolesco, porque al momento de iniciar el proceso el insight que se tiene sobre la ira propia es limitada; además de que, en mi experiencia, son pocas las personas que pueden tener un nivel de introspección tan complejo como lo ejemplifica el libro; sin embargo, se pueden adapatar los consejos de acuerdo a uno mismo o al paciente en el caso de los terapeutas o psiquiatras.
Conclusión, recomiendo el libro, pero se debe adapatar su contenido de acuerdo al contexto individual con invitación hacia la introspección constante.

[Socrate · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nu trebuie să privim prea departe pentru a observa impactul distructiv pe care furia îl poate avea asupra vieților omenești. E suficient să pornim televizorul sau să citim un ziar și vom observa cu siguranță rolul jucat de furie în tot felul de atrocități, mari sau mărunte. Furia poate avea efecte la fel de dezastruoase asupra propriei tale vieți. Necontrolată, îți poate distruge unele dintre cele mai apropiate relații și-ți poate submina sănătatea fizică și mentală. Apare ca fiind unul dintre marile paradoxuri ale psihoterapiei faptul că, deși furia poate fi una dintre cele mai distructive emoții, este totodată emoția în privința căreia oamenii par a fi cei mai confuzi și asupra căreia aleg să lucreze cel mai puțin.
Deși multe cărți și reviste ne spun cum să ne gestionăm furia, niciunul dintre sfaturi nu pare a funcționa prea bine. Și câte contradicții! Unii ne recomandă să adoptăm o atitudine pasivă, lipsită de rezistență atunci când ceilalți ne tratează cu meschinărie. Se presupune că acest lucru le-ar arăta tuturor că suntem cu adevărat stăpâni pe propria persoană. Ar dovedi că avem fermitate și putere. Acceptarea pasivă conduce însă adeseori la continuarea nedreptăților. Mai rău, o poate ampli-
fica. Alte cărți despre furie ne îndeamnă cu degajare să ne exprimăm liber și pe deplin sentimentele de furie. Ventilează-le în mod asertiv! Lasă-le să iasă! Fii tu însuți așa cum ești, turbat de furie. Asta îi va învăța minte pe dușmanii tăi.

[Billie Pritchett · Rating 3 out of 5]

I remember enjoying ling this book throughout but I read it over such a long period of time that I've forgotten most of the contents. Regardless, psychologist Albert Ellis's point is easy to group. Basically he argues the number one reason we all get bent out of shape about things is we want the world to be one way and it turns out another. Ellis devises different exercises to try to get out of our own heads about this and really think about why the world ought to conform to our expectations and our preconceptions. One exercise is to argue with ourselves about just this point. When some event occurs we don't like, we might in the absence of being able to do anything about it ask why things should have happened the way we wanted. Still another exercise is to in our quiet moments to put ourselves in different frames of mind that would alternately calm us or anger us. That we, we can help ourselves realize that while external events are often the triggers to these stressful moments, it's what's going on in the head that's making all the trouble. He says in the end of the book that in the end with us we might not be able to outright eliminate our anger but if we could even make an effort to reduce the amount of anger we harbor by trying these exercises that is well worth the spilled ink of the book.

[Gary Siebert · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Anger is the only negative emotion that people all over the world usually want to keep."-R.A. DiGiuseppe, Ph D.

Although I liked the author's "How to Control Your Anxiety" better, I believe that may be because it was my entry point into the world of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT). I first heard of Albert Ellis and this present volume through Eric Barker's excellent blog, "Barking Up the Wrong Tree", which provides research backed advice for dealing with the vagaries of life. I started with the book on anxiety because it was my main issue, however, this book is shorter and would be an excellent entry point for practical steps in dealing with anger or anxiety. Situational anxiety and depression is often anger turned inward.

The basic premise, from the last chapter:

"As a human being you often take serious problems and injustices-many of which you don't create-and you do create needless rage about them...Focus on solving life's difficulties instead of unhinging yourself about them. Once you see that although rage controls you, you have remarkable power to control and reduce it, you can train yourself to be much less angry."

[Carmen · Rating 4 out of 5]

La ira es un fenómeno universal que, si no se controla, puede ocasionar graves daños: la ruptura de una relación, la pérdida de nuestro trabajo o incluso una enfermedad grave.
La ira la encontramos en muchos momentos de nuestra vida: la tele, el periodico... Es una emoción destructiva que destruye nuestras relaciones personales.No nos ayuda en nada, ni a enfrentarnos en las situaciones dificiles. Muchos creen que la ira la dirigimos sobre aquellas personas que nos caen mal, pero siempre no enfadamos con aquellos que conocemos: hijos, pareja....
,Cuando el estrés es cada vez mayor, ¿quién no se ha dejado llevar por ella en alguna ocasión? ¿Existe alguna manera eficaz de resolver nuestros problemas sin que la ira entre en escena?.
aqui nos da unas pautas y unos ejercicios para controlarla.
La verdad que para quien siempre este muy irritado le van a ir bien , pero para mi no, pues suelo tener muy bien controlada la ira y de momento, no he explotado. Si que me he enfadado, se me pasa enseguida pero ahora estoy en aquella edad , de quien me la hace, la paga. No me enfado pero ya no soy la que haga todo el trabajo y ahora ya contesto

[Lucian Gabriel Teodoriu · Rating 4 out of 5]

O carte foarte analitică în care teoria și practica sunt bine îmbinate. Există, totuși, o problemă: Autorii pierd din vedere faptul că furia este una din cele 4 emoții fundamentale, alături de bucurie, frică și tristețe. Aș zice că furia e o emoție (dez)adaptativă în funcție de intensitatea și caracterul ei acut/cronic. Prin urmare, trebuie să ne gândim bine că uneori nu avem de ce să ne enervăm dar alte ori da, dacă ne enervăm cum a descris Aristotel: La intensitatea potrivită, pe persoana potrivită, la timpul potrivit, din motivul potrivit și în modul potrivit. Așa cum scriu ei, în gestionarea furiei e important să renunțăm la anumite idei absolutiste și să ne calmăm, dar sunt idei absolutiste adevărate, acolo ne putem enerva și e de recomandat să o facem, cu condiția să o facem controlat. Pe scurt, autorii sunt parțial dezinformați.

[Jaclyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book came recommended by my therapist, and I’m really glad I trusted that suggestion. How to Control Your Anger felt more like a toolkit than a lecture and practical, honest, and grounded in reality. It didn’t ask me to suppress how I felt, but to examine it, understand where it was coming from, and what it was trying to protect.

The REBT approach helped me see how both anger and anxiety often trace back to rigid beliefs I’d never questioned. Learning to challenge those thoughts without judgment and made space for real change. That alone was a shift. It made both emotions feel less overwhelming and more workable.

It’s not flashy or sugar-coated, but it respects the process. And for me, that made all the difference.

[Lety · Rating 4 out of 5]

Are cateva contradictii, dar autorul explica un concept precum furia care are mai mult legatura cu partea ilogica intr-un mod rational exact ca pe o ecuatie: C=A*B sau in termeni mai simpli F(furia) = Actiune , amintiri, trairi *Beliefs adica sistem de valori , modul in care le percepem. Mi-a placut ca a incercat sa explice ceva care tine de modul in care percepem lumea ( perceptie evident subiectiva) intr-un mod cat de cat logic. Evident ca exista multe contratictii si multe discutii pe acest subiect , dar daca vrei sa-ti controlezi furia ,eu zic ca este un prim pas; restul depinde de tine cat 100% vrei si esti dispus sa aplici.

[Daria Reshetnikova · Rating 3 out of 5]

Не можу сказати, що книга погана або неінформативна, але тут занадто мало говориться про реагування на злість та гнів до інших людей саме в моменті діалогу. Є купа практик, підходів, думок як треба вибудовувати своє мислення і як реагувати на тригери, але 95% інформації - про поведінку задовго після тригерної ситуації та не перед людьми, які тебе виводять на емоції.
Тобто як заспокоїти самого себе через якийсь час завдяки логічному підходу, а не як вчасно замовкнути у момент розмови коли ти вже закипаєш.