The Discomfort Zone: How Leaders Turn Difficult Conversations Into Breakthroughs

by Marcia Reynolds

You want people to stretch their limits, but your conversations meant to help them often fall flat or backfire, creating more resistance than growth. Top leadership coach Marcia Reynolds offers a model for using the Discomfort Zone--the moment when the mind is most open to learning--to prompt people to think through problems, see situations more strategically, and transcend their limitations. Drawing on recent discoveries in the neuroscience of learning, Reynolds shows how to ask the kinds of questions that short-circuit the brain's defense mechanisms and habitual thought patterns. Then, instead of being told, people see for themselves the insightful and often profound solutions to what is stopping their progress. The exercises and case studies will help you use discomfort in your conversations to create lasting changes and an enlivened workforce.

Genres: Leadership, Nonfiction, Management, Business, Professional Development, Self Help, Communication

Audible Audio

First published January 1, 2014

About the author

Marcia Reynolds, PsyD has a passion for discovering and sharing how the brain works, especially the brains of high-achieving women. She speaks globally on the needs and challenges of today's smart, strong women and provides customized programs on creating workplaces that inspire high-performers. Her books been quoted in many publications including Harvard Communications Newsletter, U.S. Business Review, and The New York Times and has appeared on ABC World News and National Public Radio."

Reviews

[Paul Botterill]

This book really was not for me. Whilst I agree with the premise of everything that was written, I found that the self-help advice was a bit vague. I am sure there is some real benefit to be had by holding discomfort zone conversations but for me this book was too far away from showing me how. There is every chance it might just be the way my brain works of course.

[Musa]

This is a good book that gives you a general foundation on how you can conduct effective conservations with your team in the workplace. Whether you'll find it useful will very much dependent on your organization's culture and what kind of role you're currently in. I'll definitely recommend this for people who just grow into management position

[Emma]

Short and sweet book about how to carry deep conversations that inspire insights. I think the author's book is most practically applied to other career coaches, and contrary to the title, to a less extent to managers. This is because the author recommends the leader to always let the subject find their own insights and gain perspective from within, but as a true leader, one must often lead employees to a shared perspective/goal of the company instead of just the individual.

Though not explicitly mentioned, I think concepts from meditation are also heavily applied. Headspace, bringing the mind back, non-reaction.

Overall a useful, practical read for anyone looking to help unstuck others or themselves.

[Blaine Strickland]

Read this book in softcover after having it recommended by a fellow coach. Overall, this is a corporate human relations perspective - but it has some value tidbits. I particularly liked the use of two questions: "How do you know this to be true?" - spoken to someone who is concerned about the intent of others. I also liked the reminder of a question I've known: "What is the most important part of our conversation today?" - spoken to someone who needs a crystallizing action step to move forward.

I also thought the author's antonym, DREAM, was a helpful reminder:
Decide what the goal is for the conversation in advance (what would this conversation help you / me accomplish?)
Reflect on how the situation has gotten to this point
Explore alternatives and new perspectives
Acknowledge (what is the most important part of our conversation?)
Make a commitment to a follow up plan

This book is particularly helpful to someone who frequently holds crucial conversations.

[Tara Brabazon]

"Difficult conversation" is on my bingo card of rubbish leadership. "Let's have a difficult conversation." That phrase is up there with, "I'd like to offer you feedback."

Yeah. Nah.

However this book does offer some meaningful mantras and strategies to create change. I'm not interested in 'disruption' or 'breakthroughs.' But I am interested in creating meaningful change, and sharing that meaning with others.

There are some strong questions in this book to trigger this change in context. Particularly I am drawn to Marcia Reynolds's question, "We make up what we believe to be true in our social world."

May we block this make believe and recognize the difficulties, the fears, the challenges, and good decisions. May we block the career narratives spoken by pretenders, and summon a silence for learning, reflection and change. This book offers structures and questions to enable this change.

[Kevin Eikenberry]

There are plenty of good books about crucial and fierce and difficult conversations – and I recommend you read them. All of them come at the conversation from the personal perspective – what can you do to get your point across in an effective way. As important as this is, there is another side to difficult conversations that isn’t about you at all – and in many ways that is the point of this book by Marcia Reynolds.

This book helps you as a coach to focus on the other person and help them create a breakthrough – not by what you say, but by what, when and how you ask. As a big fan of coaching through questions and discovery, I found this book to be a valuable tool to reinforce what I know and to up my game even further.

Read more...

[Sanda]

It is a very interesting and practical book, giving a thorough insight of a useful coaching approach. I can't say that it was easy to read, because one has to stop and think over in order to absorb the information and then to stop and practice in order to verify the ideas. But, in the end, the process described helped me increase my effectiveness and gave me courage to continue searching and developing myself.

[Grazyna Nawrocka]

I found this book very useful for people considering coaching career or professional leadership. It was always a problem with approaching hard issues diplomatically, and avoiding unnecessary aggravation. On the other hand, I am very uneasy with long periods of silence. The author provides insights to solving those problems. The book is professional resource, therefore factual, and some might find it boring. I enjoyed it, and found it very helpful.

[Melody L]

Great book on the importance of mastering your own emotional triggers when having a coaching relationship. Deep listening, without judgement or expectations to understand what’s underneath the presenting problem. Realizing giving advice or suggestions robs the coachee of the agency and satisfaction for discovering they DO have the answers within them if they can remove what’s blocking them from seeing the solutions.

[Marius Tanase]

It works

Everything that Marcia says in this book actually works. She is my first go-to author when it comes to coaching and I find her advice useful when it comes to reminding myself all the good habits of coaching. I found particularly enlightning her theory on realising and working on removing roadblocks and blind spots in the clients system.

[Sébastien Picard]

Not about what I expected, I was looking for a book on comfort-panic zones. I misinterpreted "discomfort" as the stretching zone but in the context of the book, discomfort zone is a specific area of the stretching zone applied to communication. Other than that the contents are valuable and worth exploring further.

[Andrei Gavrila]

I liked it. I recommend it to all people that want to bring their coaching to a next level.

It is not an introduction to coaching book from my point of view.

3 big ideas
* in our discomfort zone we grow and learn
* dream as a coaching framework
* listen for logic (brain), for desires (heart), for fear (guts)

[Jake Miller]

Maybe as a consultant I live too much in the uncomfortable; or maybe as a product of a broken household I've been exposed to more strife than the average reader, but I found this a bit pedantic rather than providing solid takeaways for someone seeking solid conflict resolution on a practical, applicable scale.

[Elizabeth]

There were some useful ideas in the book, but I felt they were not as clear or specifically applicable to daily life as other books have been tackling similar issues. I did not glean enough takeaways to recommend the book.

[Samuel]

In the Discomfort Zone, Marcia Reynolds offers a model for coaching which can be cultivated when your mind is most attuned to learning. Engage with people in such a way as to prompt them re-think through their problems, evaluate their situations more strategically, and get unstuck!

[Darren]

A bit heavy at times

Overall I found this book quite enlightening and picked up some good tips for coaching conversations. At times it felt a little hard going and found it a bit of a slog, however overall a solid book with some good ideas for aspiring coaches or leaders.

[Ariel Griffin]

I originally got this book in order to improve my coaching, but through the various case studies presented, I realized the book is more of a tool for people who are in management positions or coaches who focus on executive leadership. Nonetheless, I have decided to gift the book to my supervisor!

[Arun Narayanaswamy]

Some books never catch your attention and this one is one of them. After a strong first two pages it just goes downhill in terms of the content and value. Got bored and lost t never got off that mode.

[Tef Bcn]

Brief:
Make a confort buble
Listen (brain,heart,guts)
"Puss" to provoque a reaction
Repeat same words in a resume

[Joy]

Short and sweet book to get you started in the right direction. On point 👌🏻

[UndeadArtist]

Great

[Danielle Sullivan]

I didn't manage to finish this before it got called back to the library, but I got pretty close, and I think this is a handy little book. I learned a lot and would keep a copy around as a reference.

[Anca Gîlcă]

A good book for trainers, coaches or managers at the beginning of their professional journey.

[Megan]

Easy to read and understand. I was going to rate this four stars, but I skimmed the end because it started to get too repetitive.

[Betty]

Great guide book for coaches.

[Becky Hillary]

I like the concepts in the book, nothing life changing for me.

[Debbie]

This was a slow read - and required an increase in the speed in order to get through it. Otherwise, I might not be have been able to finish it. Good subject matter, helpful in self help and personal growth. Recommended for anyone in leadership.

[Rebecca]

I first discovered Marcia Reynold because I took a class with her on emotional intelligence. She writes the Outsmart Your Brain Blog and I have followed her for over 10 years. She is very prolific and intelligent. When I Desired Outcome, Reflect, Explore, Acknowledge and Make a Commitment. These practical tools work. She gives you an wonderful exorcise and some examples to follow. This is a book for anyone who wants to learn how to communicate with leaders and anyone who wants to learn these techniques. This is an overall excellent read and good reference book.

[Paula Olmstead]

Thank you Marcia for creating a book that is so easy to read and apply! Difficult conversations don't have to be difficult and you have provided a practical guide to assist leaders to understand that it is easier than they think.

[Rhnair]

This book didnt clearly work for me. Maybe I was looking for a kind of manual on how to handle uncomfortable situations, some kind of step by step guide.

In this book, Marcia brings out many of her own experience. But what is missed out that those experiences and outcomes are very culture specific. The entire attempt is to say that people are most likely to change their mind or look at reality through another lens when they discover it on their own. But, each situation would be different and how one handles it will depend on that. She also talks of the "gut brain"and "heart brain", which is to be used to listen to what the people are NOT saying but are trying to communicate during a conversation. So, my learning is that such listening capabilities are like talent which one is born with. One may try learning it, but there would always be limitations.

I wish Marcia would have written this based on the multitude of the cases she has handled, rather than belabour on the theories in the initial chapters. That would have made this an interesting read. She does use some of them in the later chapters, but the flow is quite jumpy.

There are a few good takeaways like about using silence during a conversation, not being pushy and to walk away is the person is not ready to negotiate. But overall, it was difficult for me to keep a thread of the advices she was trying to give.