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The Spirit of Intimacy: Ancient African Teachings in the Ways of Relationships
A renowned, respected teacher and mentor to thousands, Sobonfu Somé is one of the first and foremost voices of African spirituality to come to the West. Somé was born in Dano, Burkina Faso, a remote West African village with a population of about two hundred people. Dano has preserved the old ways of African village life, with family structures, spiritual practices, and methods of living that have been in place for more than ten thousand years. In The Spirit of Intimacy, Somé distills the ancient teachings and wisdom of her native village to give insight into the nature of intimate relationships.
Somé generously applies the subtle knowledge from her West African culture to this one. Simply and beautifully, she reveals the role of spirit in every marriage, friendship, relationship, and community. She shares ancient ways to make our intimate lives more fulfilling and secure and offers powerful insights into the "illusion of romance," divorce, and loss. Her important and fascinating lessons from the heart include the sacred meaning of pleasure, preparing a ritual space for intimacy, and the connection between sex and spirituality. Her ideas are intuitively persuasive, provocative, and healingand supported by sound practical advice, along with specific rituals and ceremonies based on those used for thousands of years. With this book, the spiritual insights of indigenous Africa take their place alongside those of native America, ancient Europe, and Asia as important influences on Western readers.
160 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1997
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 119 reviews
August 9, 2011
Are your relationships guided by ego and control or are they guided by spirit? And what would that look like, a relationship guided by spirit? Allow Sobonfu to offer the wisdom from pre-colonial Bhurkino Faso — from the Dagara tribe…where remnants of whole relationships rooted in community and mutual trust and understanding still exist. This book is a beautiful and easy to read collection of thoughts, debunking the Western notions of ‘romance’ and ‘privacy.’
October 16, 2007
I'm not usually a big fan of how-to books on the subjects of love and relationships, but I make exception with this book, because it really isn't one. Sobonfu (she will seem like a dear friend before you've read much!) has such a warm, gentle, caring voice--the wisdom she shares is of the best and most beautiful sort. She helps her readers become more AWARE of themselves, and their relationships (the book focuses primarily on love/partner relationships, but some elements could certainly be used in any sort of caring relationship) It's not a "men are like that" or "women are like this" sort of book. Rather, it speaks to some of the deepest truths of our souls and how a partner can help us as we move along in our journey in life. I really cannot put into words what a beautiful and beneficial book this is, but I heartily recommend it to anyone interested in being more "awake" in relationships, or to those interested in learning some traditional wisdom from the Dagara tribe in Africa. PS Her other books, on falling out of Grace, and on children, are both marvelous as well. I just haven't time to write full reviews right now!
April 13, 2020
Very enlightening. This little book answered a lot of questions I had about commitment and about marriage in particular. I also noticed a correlation between the Dagara belief system and that of Christianity (we are all parts of the same body) or even New Age thought (marriage between two people is a gift to the community / world - Marianne Williamson comes to mind) at the end of the day there's only one truth : love is a verb, not a feeling.
Intimacy is Sacred. Community is a Blessing for the couple and vice versa. I now better understand my elders`views on relationships.
Ritual is the Basis for strength and for renewal in the relationship.
The book also explains why (West) Africans rarely display intimacy in public, or why the divorce rate is so low. I still struggle with the Dagara`s views on polygamy and arranged marriage(probably always will) and the rituals she writes about will not be an easy feat, but nonetheless this was a powerful read.
Favorite quotes :
"There isn`t divorce in the village because of the way people see things. People there cannot conceive of intimacy or marriage outside of their spirituality, without the guidance of spirit." P 122
"The Dagara people do not have a specific word for sex. We express the concept of sex in terms of journeying or traveling with someone. You don`t want to have sex with that person, you want to go somewhere" P 87
"Most of the relationships that I observe in this culture (meaning the West) begin somewhere at the top of the hill. The top of the hill has this nice feeling of being in love (...) Now since a relationship must grow and must be constantly in motion and it`s already at the top, where is it going to go? (...)" P 51
Intimacy is Sacred. Community is a Blessing for the couple and vice versa. I now better understand my elders`views on relationships.
Ritual is the Basis for strength and for renewal in the relationship.
The book also explains why (West) Africans rarely display intimacy in public, or why the divorce rate is so low. I still struggle with the Dagara`s views on polygamy and arranged marriage(probably always will) and the rituals she writes about will not be an easy feat, but nonetheless this was a powerful read.
Favorite quotes :
"There isn`t divorce in the village because of the way people see things. People there cannot conceive of intimacy or marriage outside of their spirituality, without the guidance of spirit." P 122
"The Dagara people do not have a specific word for sex. We express the concept of sex in terms of journeying or traveling with someone. You don`t want to have sex with that person, you want to go somewhere" P 87
"Most of the relationships that I observe in this culture (meaning the West) begin somewhere at the top of the hill. The top of the hill has this nice feeling of being in love (...) Now since a relationship must grow and must be constantly in motion and it`s already at the top, where is it going to go? (...)" P 51
May 21, 2021
This is an interesting little book about the way of life, and especially the importance of spirituality and rituals, among the Dagara people of West Africa. Sobonfu Somé gives readers a glimpse at what relationships look like in the village and how whole communities are actively involved in intimate partnerships, raising children, and all kinds of relationships. I loved the idea of children being able to see many people in their extended families as “mothers,” “fathers,” “brothers,” and “sisters.” This broad sense of who makes up a family, and who can be an ancestor, deeply resonated with me as someone who has always relied on chosen family rather than blood relationships. What I appreciated most about this book is that it offers insight into what a community without policing already looks like, which is such an important model for those of us who seek to abolish the police in our own communities.
December 28, 2018
I am resistant to this little book. I bought and started it two years ago and finished within two weeks what should have been read in a day. I wasn’t taking time to digest. I was resisting. It’s a small book with descriptions of and prescriptions for intimacy. I’m totally into intimacy. I write and teach about it all the time which is why my mentor recommended it. For some reason, I’m taking it personally. I keep hearing myself think, “Well, isn’t there anything good about relationships in the West?” Then I think about it more, and there’s nothing that can’t be improved upon. I don’t disagree with her, I just find what she’s describing imposssible. I have no idea how to create the community that she says is essential to intimacy. Turning the pages made me feel more and more defeated hence impossible as my descriptor. The truth is, I’m not as resistant as I am disappointed/frustrated that I don’t know how to make the world in which her spirit of intimacy thrives. Beyond my ego, I can appreciate the ideas of spirit and ritual and elders. I can certainly learn to activate spirit in my daily life, and I appreciate that she says you don’t even have to know what to ask for in order to activate the spirit. As far as rituals, I don’t know where to begin to create them abstracted from community and a culture that celebrated ritual. I guess I’ll have to let spirit do that too. I really appreciate her approach to conflict and the need to have ritual to resolve it. She is very clear about what Western and urban African societies don’t do, but she isn’t clear about how to reestablish the connection. Can it be done alone? Will one person’s desire for spirit reconnect the entire tribe? I guess I’m about to find out what really and truly is possible with spirit.
April 10, 2012
Sobonfu Some, a member of the West African Dagara tribe, brings to the Western World wisdom uprooted from the ancient elders of her people. This small, concise little gem of a book is filled with practical advice and common sense practices to garner and enhance intimacy in all couple relationships. Although most of her teachings and suggestions are not practical for Westerners because of cultural differences and the negative influences Western society has on our lives today, there are still plenty of meaningful and thought provoking passages here that would easily apply to all cultures everywhere. People are people. The ways of love, human sexuality, and intimate relationships between men and women are the same worldwide, no matter which spot on the globe you look.
Sobonfu’s simple approach to intimacy takes the reader from their initial contact with their partner on through the many stages of growth the couple will experience. The ancient ways of intimacy in West Africa are community built; all village members participate in the nurturing, care, and growth of a couple’s relationship, straight on through to the death of one or both partners. The most interesting aspects of their philosophy on intimacy revolves around the “spirit” and the rituals that can be created to help two people learn and understand each other’s personalities, wants, dreams, conflicts and pain, and the importance of creating these rituals early on so that they will be carried forth throughout the duration of the relationship. In creating scared spaces for sex, in the process of inviting in the spirit of nature and the spirit of love into their hearts and homes, in both parties total immersion into the communion and joining of hearts, minds, souls and the sacredness of their joined bodies, the African way of intimacy is a welcome breath of fresh air to read about.
The author teaches couples to explore, learn, to be patient and to communicate openly about all aspects of joy and sorrows, doubts and fears, expectations and disappointments. Open communication, the spirit of making effort and never giving up or into negative thoughts or actions toward the other partner is key to a healthy relationship that will beam with ultimate intimacy if some of these simple loving rituals and beliefs are put in practice every day. Some other topics covered are: controlling behavior patterns, death and dying, the illusion and dangers of romance, homosexuality, divorce and the importance of family and friends who can support the relationship when nurturing and healing are needed.
This is marvelous quick little read was well worth the time to peruse, and worth letting the wisdom offered up sink in, and make this reader ponder on her own experiences.
Sobonfu’s simple approach to intimacy takes the reader from their initial contact with their partner on through the many stages of growth the couple will experience. The ancient ways of intimacy in West Africa are community built; all village members participate in the nurturing, care, and growth of a couple’s relationship, straight on through to the death of one or both partners. The most interesting aspects of their philosophy on intimacy revolves around the “spirit” and the rituals that can be created to help two people learn and understand each other’s personalities, wants, dreams, conflicts and pain, and the importance of creating these rituals early on so that they will be carried forth throughout the duration of the relationship. In creating scared spaces for sex, in the process of inviting in the spirit of nature and the spirit of love into their hearts and homes, in both parties total immersion into the communion and joining of hearts, minds, souls and the sacredness of their joined bodies, the African way of intimacy is a welcome breath of fresh air to read about.
The author teaches couples to explore, learn, to be patient and to communicate openly about all aspects of joy and sorrows, doubts and fears, expectations and disappointments. Open communication, the spirit of making effort and never giving up or into negative thoughts or actions toward the other partner is key to a healthy relationship that will beam with ultimate intimacy if some of these simple loving rituals and beliefs are put in practice every day. Some other topics covered are: controlling behavior patterns, death and dying, the illusion and dangers of romance, homosexuality, divorce and the importance of family and friends who can support the relationship when nurturing and healing are needed.
This is marvelous quick little read was well worth the time to peruse, and worth letting the wisdom offered up sink in, and make this reader ponder on her own experiences.
January 6, 2022
O livro é lindo e isso diz muito.
August 22, 2021
The Spirit of Intimacy: Ancient African Teaching in the Ways of Relationships
By Sobonfu Somé
This book was very interesting and gave me a lot of insight into the lives and culture of the Dagara peoples of West Africa. It was very rewarding reading this book because the author was very clear and detailed about various rituals in her society. Being part of a culture where ritual is so important must be very interesting - and I could see that if someone grows in that culture and takes it seriously it would be rewarding.
I came away from reading this book with a distinct feeling of discomfort. I thought about the incredible richness of this culture, and then I thought about the richness of all the indigenous cultures that existed in West Africa prior to the commencement of the Atlantic slave trade. The damage caused by the two European evils of chattel slavery and colonization is incalculable. First, the kidnapping, murder, theft and rape of the African people would have ripped apart all of the rituals that gave deep spiritual meaning to the lives of the people. Then, the forced replacement of these long-held traditions and beliefs would have crushed the life out of its victims. When the enslaved were torn away, thrown together with so many other different members of other tribes with whom they had no connection, it is impossible to imagine the depth of spiritual agony they would have sustained. (I also extended these considerations to other indigenous peoples throughout the world subjected to these two evils.) There are many reasons why I will always support reparations and this book just reminded me of two of them.
Another thing I like about reading is when I sense connections between the book I am reading and other things I have read. It should not surprise anyone that when reading a book about spirituality, regardless of the culture, one will see links with other spiritual writing. In this instance one of the links was with the readings I have done on Zen Buddhism. In one passage Ms. Somé wrote: “We think that someone must bring a secret book of ritual recipes so that if we have a toothache, we go to page 129, read paragraph 2, and that will take care of it.. When in fact we ourselves are page 129, paragraph 2! So I’m saying, trust in yourself, believe in your ability to hear. Just say, ‘I know these things exist somewhere in me.’ “ (44) I was immediately reminded of the Buddhist teaching that the solution to spiritual issues is something we are all born with inside of us.
Ms. Somé made the rituals of the Dagara people come alive in her book. The connection they have to the spirit world reminded me of the novels of Nnedi Okorafor - particularly her Akata Witch series. While Dr. Okorafor has fictionalized these connections in entertaining and exciting ways, Ms. Somé made it clear that this connection is profoundly real and filled with extensive meaning to those who are raised in the traditional ways. One can easily see how these beliefs, rituals and traditions could provide a powerful foundation for a well-functioning social structure.
I will share another passage from the book about lust and intimate relationships: “Any attempt at moving into that place by accepting an aesthetic invitation - presented by someone with a certain kind of pleasing appearance, for instance - is in fact a danger. Most people fall prey to aesthetic delusion because of their lack of spiritual groundedness. When you get caught in that, it is like eating ice cream that has poison in it.” For me the most profound aspect of this passage is the reference to “aesthetic delusion” - a notion similar to that of the illusory nature of life found in other belief systems. This attraction to illusion is a principal mover of the ills of materialism and capitalism, or as a local philosopher I know once said, “How has money succeeded where gods and kings have failed?”
I enjoyed this book a great deal. If you like learning about different cultures I think this is a good book for that. After reading this book I feel educated, uplifted and renewed. Even though these rituals and beliefs are not a part of me, I feel enriched having read about them.
By Sobonfu Somé
This book was very interesting and gave me a lot of insight into the lives and culture of the Dagara peoples of West Africa. It was very rewarding reading this book because the author was very clear and detailed about various rituals in her society. Being part of a culture where ritual is so important must be very interesting - and I could see that if someone grows in that culture and takes it seriously it would be rewarding.
I came away from reading this book with a distinct feeling of discomfort. I thought about the incredible richness of this culture, and then I thought about the richness of all the indigenous cultures that existed in West Africa prior to the commencement of the Atlantic slave trade. The damage caused by the two European evils of chattel slavery and colonization is incalculable. First, the kidnapping, murder, theft and rape of the African people would have ripped apart all of the rituals that gave deep spiritual meaning to the lives of the people. Then, the forced replacement of these long-held traditions and beliefs would have crushed the life out of its victims. When the enslaved were torn away, thrown together with so many other different members of other tribes with whom they had no connection, it is impossible to imagine the depth of spiritual agony they would have sustained. (I also extended these considerations to other indigenous peoples throughout the world subjected to these two evils.) There are many reasons why I will always support reparations and this book just reminded me of two of them.
Another thing I like about reading is when I sense connections between the book I am reading and other things I have read. It should not surprise anyone that when reading a book about spirituality, regardless of the culture, one will see links with other spiritual writing. In this instance one of the links was with the readings I have done on Zen Buddhism. In one passage Ms. Somé wrote: “We think that someone must bring a secret book of ritual recipes so that if we have a toothache, we go to page 129, read paragraph 2, and that will take care of it.. When in fact we ourselves are page 129, paragraph 2! So I’m saying, trust in yourself, believe in your ability to hear. Just say, ‘I know these things exist somewhere in me.’ “ (44) I was immediately reminded of the Buddhist teaching that the solution to spiritual issues is something we are all born with inside of us.
Ms. Somé made the rituals of the Dagara people come alive in her book. The connection they have to the spirit world reminded me of the novels of Nnedi Okorafor - particularly her Akata Witch series. While Dr. Okorafor has fictionalized these connections in entertaining and exciting ways, Ms. Somé made it clear that this connection is profoundly real and filled with extensive meaning to those who are raised in the traditional ways. One can easily see how these beliefs, rituals and traditions could provide a powerful foundation for a well-functioning social structure.
I will share another passage from the book about lust and intimate relationships: “Any attempt at moving into that place by accepting an aesthetic invitation - presented by someone with a certain kind of pleasing appearance, for instance - is in fact a danger. Most people fall prey to aesthetic delusion because of their lack of spiritual groundedness. When you get caught in that, it is like eating ice cream that has poison in it.” For me the most profound aspect of this passage is the reference to “aesthetic delusion” - a notion similar to that of the illusory nature of life found in other belief systems. This attraction to illusion is a principal mover of the ills of materialism and capitalism, or as a local philosopher I know once said, “How has money succeeded where gods and kings have failed?”
I enjoyed this book a great deal. If you like learning about different cultures I think this is a good book for that. After reading this book I feel educated, uplifted and renewed. Even though these rituals and beliefs are not a part of me, I feel enriched having read about them.
October 20, 2023
"The Spirit of Intimacy" provides a very refreshing perspective on relationships and intimacy in the traditional African setting. There is much to think about in this book and it did have me looking at the relationships I maintain with those around me. Indeed there may be valuable relationship lessons to be found in its pages even for us living in Western Society. Recommended reading!
August 12, 2015
This author shares insights and lessons she's learned while living in the US. Being from a country in Africa, she remembers certain lessons that are seriously lacking in this country. I loved reading it and found so many gems to apply to my own life for balance and bringing spirit into all that you do.
May 4, 2025
uma leitura-diálogo sobre como se relacionar de forma profunda com as pessoas e de como isso gera a necessidade de compartilhar desde as alegrias aos problemas em comunidade. é um livro que nos faz pensar que se as outras áreas da nossa vida não estão seguindo o propósito do espírito, tudo está em desconexão. a forma como ela apresenta definições sobre rituais é essencial p pensar que "td está aqui dentro e o externo só reflete isso".
no mais, quando o livro encaminha-se para o final, achei q o capítulo envolvendo sexualidade ficou confuso, talvez teria sido interessante se ele tivesse sido abordado junto das discussões que envolviam os aspectos da relação em casal, sem ter sido tratado a parte.
enfim, um livro curto mais muito complexo de conhecimento.
no mais, quando o livro encaminha-se para o final, achei q o capítulo envolvendo sexualidade ficou confuso, talvez teria sido interessante se ele tivesse sido abordado junto das discussões que envolviam os aspectos da relação em casal, sem ter sido tratado a parte.
enfim, um livro curto mais muito complexo de conhecimento.
March 24, 2022
Me arrisco a dizer que essa obra merece ser lida por todo mundo. Como a própria autora diz: "As pessoas talvez digam que você é estranho, que está lendo a respeito de pessoas estranhas. Mas, sabe, talvez seja hora de celebrar o estranho.". Me deparei com uma outra forma de entender a intimidade, relacionamentos, vida em comunidade que deu vazão a alguns incômodos a respeito da norma vivida no ocidente. O livro é breve mas minha leitura demorou longos meses, por vezes não estive pronta para ler tais afirmações mas cheguei ao final com o sentimento de que amadureci ao longo do processo. Barka!
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December 24, 2024It is time to celebrate being weird!
This is a book I am going to have to revisit time and time again in order for its teachings to manifest.I feel as a person in the west everything has been distorted and is blatant lies.it is going to take a lifetime to overthrow westernized ideology.
Some quotes that hit me in the gut:
“We don’t know how many people live here because in Africa we don’t count people.”
“Our ancestors are our spirits.”
Also,I am elated I found out according to the author Sobonfu Somé that I am a “water baby” and that water is a symbol of peace in Africa.
5//5 stars
This is a book I am going to have to revisit time and time again in order for its teachings to manifest.I feel as a person in the west everything has been distorted and is blatant lies.it is going to take a lifetime to overthrow westernized ideology.
Some quotes that hit me in the gut:
“We don’t know how many people live here because in Africa we don’t count people.”
“Our ancestors are our spirits.”
Also,I am elated I found out according to the author Sobonfu Somé that I am a “water baby” and that water is a symbol of peace in Africa.
5//5 stars
October 24, 2012
Some is amazing. The distinctions she makes between the West's ways of intimate relationships and indigenous ways is a great eye-opener. The wisdom she offers is good for any reader looking for ways to grow in their intimate relationships. And if you don't agree with it, a the very least, it's a different perspective on relationships altogether.
February 18, 2025
‘The Spirit of Intimacy’ by Sobonfu Somé is a simplified, accessible look at intimacy through the lens of the West African Dagara tribe. Despite not resonating with some concepts, I found the Dagara’s emphasis on community to be a refreshing contrast to Western individualism.
December 2, 2021
Meh....
February 11, 2021
I thank this book for helping me to discover the true value of community. How community is the power source to the survival of our humanity as a species as we evolve throughout time. Made me think of what a drain the lack of it must be on us all these years in the future so far removed from the spirit of anything. We supplement intimacy with romance and bastardize the meaning of it with movies, books, and tv shows that romanticize relationships that lack in intimacy and centers possessionl. Our media mirrors the abusive and toxic love we experience in all of our relationships as a society and now with the pandemic as a world.
I feel like the pandemic has altered the spirit of intimacy for everyone in the whole world. since the ways we physically engage and are intimate with our collective are less physical, we have all experienced a shift in the spirit of all of our intimate relationships since last year. That’s why this book hits, because It’s telling us how to thrive amidst all that is changing. It highlights the value of a functional collective. The value is protection and a sense of stability. Through this book, I have been able to reconnect with ancient beliefs that have improved the health of a collective of invested members. Dagara people realized that by focusing on the health of the spirit of human interpersonal relationships, the issues that plague the collective can always be rooted out. With everyone deeply and honestly invested in collective health, it will be easy to repair any cracks in the foundation.
The ceremony and ritual are tools to help a community maintain a direction by being connected with the spirit of the world. We in the US do holidays like no other. Our ceremonies around new life, new business contracts, graduation, etc. all symbolize and communicate a message about the spirit of our relationships.
The construct of religion sometimes uses the tools of ceremony and ritual to maintain community health. Though commonly the participants are simply going through the motions of ceremony instead of engaging with vulnerability.
Spirit is the construct of religion paired down to the holiness and simplicity of community care. Honesty in those rituals, actual intimacy, is needed for these rituals to ground, protect, and uplift the collective instead of church hugs and covering up how you're really struggling.
My friend really liked the section where Sobonfu Some tells about how the Dagara people would ask "did you hear something sweet last night?" Instead of how are you. Stuff like that I think kept them aware of themselves, each other and the subconscious connection of intimacy with your community.
I feel like the pandemic has altered the spirit of intimacy for everyone in the whole world. since the ways we physically engage and are intimate with our collective are less physical, we have all experienced a shift in the spirit of all of our intimate relationships since last year. That’s why this book hits, because It’s telling us how to thrive amidst all that is changing. It highlights the value of a functional collective. The value is protection and a sense of stability. Through this book, I have been able to reconnect with ancient beliefs that have improved the health of a collective of invested members. Dagara people realized that by focusing on the health of the spirit of human interpersonal relationships, the issues that plague the collective can always be rooted out. With everyone deeply and honestly invested in collective health, it will be easy to repair any cracks in the foundation.
The ceremony and ritual are tools to help a community maintain a direction by being connected with the spirit of the world. We in the US do holidays like no other. Our ceremonies around new life, new business contracts, graduation, etc. all symbolize and communicate a message about the spirit of our relationships.
The construct of religion sometimes uses the tools of ceremony and ritual to maintain community health. Though commonly the participants are simply going through the motions of ceremony instead of engaging with vulnerability.
Spirit is the construct of religion paired down to the holiness and simplicity of community care. Honesty in those rituals, actual intimacy, is needed for these rituals to ground, protect, and uplift the collective instead of church hugs and covering up how you're really struggling.
My friend really liked the section where Sobonfu Some tells about how the Dagara people would ask "did you hear something sweet last night?" Instead of how are you. Stuff like that I think kept them aware of themselves, each other and the subconscious connection of intimacy with your community.
August 3, 2025
This is a book that I would have dismissed a few years ago, but I'm starting to see the wisdom in learning from elders from indigenous cultures on how to make relationships and communities work. This book doesn't disappoint - while I don't fully subscribe to using rituals for every aspect of relationships, I appreciate the thoughtful perspective on how relationships are more than just about the two people involved, and in fact involve the.whole community. This shift towards thinking community first, rather than focus on our individual perspectives, is one that our world has forgotten and would be wise to re-adopt.
April 30, 2020
Somé's clear and simple writing explains the unexplainable in this short but poignant literary jewel. A must-read for every person, but especially if you are African, married, and a parent.
October 27, 2020
“Alguma coisa do que eu disse aqui, de alguma forma chamou sua atenção para determinados assuntos. Foram eles que o chamaram para este livro. Você não o pegou por ter visto uma fila de pessoas querendo comprá-lo. Isso é sinal de que algo não morreu em você. Está deliberadamente vivo e espera continuar assim! Bom motivo de celebração. As pessoas talvez digam que você é estranho, que está lendo a respeito de pessoas estranhas. Mas, sabe, talvez seja hora de celebrar o estranho.”
February 2, 2020
I am a simple man. Give me anything that Sobobfu writes about the village and I give it 5 stars.
March 19, 2024
How many of the ideas and practices that she advocates--no divorce, polygamy, elder-organized marriage, gay people as spiritual gatekeepers, our purpose being predetermined--are true and ideal because they are, and not because they're what she knows? It would be one thing if she presented them in a descriptive manner rather than prescriptive, but that's not what she's doing most of the time. Whether I agree with them, I have a hard time believing that they are universal principles we should all adopt. I believe culture adapts to what fits best for a community's geography, agriculture, population size, family size, economic and labor model, and even climate, and not because it's inherently superior. (For example, it's easy to spend most of your time outdoors and resign buildings to places of sleep or illness when you come from a place where 70 degrees is considered cold, in your own words.)
Also, how many of these ideas and practices are truly ancient and indigenous to her tribe, and not recently influenced by Christianity, Islam, and colonialism? This is a genuine question, considering the idea of antiquity is constantly referenced, even in the title. I would hope it's actually true, but I'm not sure and it's never rigorously argued.
Finally, it seems that the author believes that her village and its inhabitants are near perfect, which I don’t buy. Her village has no need for police because the spirits and elders provide justice. Those who commit affairs or abuse the bride-dowry suffer natural, karmic death. (No, literally. They die.) People don't sexualize each other in the village; they look at each other as brothers and sisters. With regards to how they solve marital conflicts:
"This process, with the whole community trying to help, makes it impossible for the husband to come back with serious anger at his wife for telling everyone that things aren't working. And reaching out to a larger community for a solution makes it impossible for the problem to continue." (p. 112; italics inserted)
Impossible? Really? Throughout the book, I was thinking I'd like to see this perfect society for myself. If I'm not mistaken, the author left her village at around 20 to join her husband in the West. I'm not sure if she ever lived in the village as an adult. If not, then it's easy to have a romantic view when you left before you could see the issues with adult eyes.
Also, how many of these ideas and practices are truly ancient and indigenous to her tribe, and not recently influenced by Christianity, Islam, and colonialism? This is a genuine question, considering the idea of antiquity is constantly referenced, even in the title. I would hope it's actually true, but I'm not sure and it's never rigorously argued.
Finally, it seems that the author believes that her village and its inhabitants are near perfect, which I don’t buy. Her village has no need for police because the spirits and elders provide justice. Those who commit affairs or abuse the bride-dowry suffer natural, karmic death. (No, literally. They die.) People don't sexualize each other in the village; they look at each other as brothers and sisters. With regards to how they solve marital conflicts:
"This process, with the whole community trying to help, makes it impossible for the husband to come back with serious anger at his wife for telling everyone that things aren't working. And reaching out to a larger community for a solution makes it impossible for the problem to continue." (p. 112; italics inserted)
Impossible? Really? Throughout the book, I was thinking I'd like to see this perfect society for myself. If I'm not mistaken, the author left her village at around 20 to join her husband in the West. I'm not sure if she ever lived in the village as an adult. If not, then it's easy to have a romantic view when you left before you could see the issues with adult eyes.
October 3, 2017
Last night I finished "The Spirit of Intimacy: Ancient African Teachings in the Ways of Relationships" by Sobonfu Somé. I was turned onto it by an article Cazembe Abena had written. I'm still having some mixed feelings, as J do with most hyper-gendered and one standardized relationship style approaches... but a tidbit near the end way interesting.
Amongst the Dagara people of Burkina Faso, people who are not called to be in marriage (male/female), ones folks in the West may call gay, lesbian, and/or perhaps trans, are called Gatekeepers. They do spiritual working on many levels, have access to mysteries Elders don't have, are welcomed into both men's and women's circles in many cases, and do relationship/sex magic with other Gatekeepers. As all orientation and sexual behavior among the Dagara is considered both sacred and no ones business to ever talk about, having anyone confirm if Gatekeepers are not what the West considers "heterosexual" has not been possible, only postulated.
The book has some good material on relationship rituals that I appreciated, lots of stuff to chew on about the place of tribe in community and vice versa too... so important to keep in mind in kink communities and other tribes of the heart. As much as a relationship is about the people in it, it is also about those around it, that they are interwoven in ways the "us vs them" relationship approach might say isn't worth worrying about.
In short, good small book, glad I read it.
Amongst the Dagara people of Burkina Faso, people who are not called to be in marriage (male/female), ones folks in the West may call gay, lesbian, and/or perhaps trans, are called Gatekeepers. They do spiritual working on many levels, have access to mysteries Elders don't have, are welcomed into both men's and women's circles in many cases, and do relationship/sex magic with other Gatekeepers. As all orientation and sexual behavior among the Dagara is considered both sacred and no ones business to ever talk about, having anyone confirm if Gatekeepers are not what the West considers "heterosexual" has not been possible, only postulated.
The book has some good material on relationship rituals that I appreciated, lots of stuff to chew on about the place of tribe in community and vice versa too... so important to keep in mind in kink communities and other tribes of the heart. As much as a relationship is about the people in it, it is also about those around it, that they are interwoven in ways the "us vs them" relationship approach might say isn't worth worrying about.
In short, good small book, glad I read it.
March 22, 2022
ok at a certain point i realized this could have been like a long essay or something, maybe not a whole ass book…….. bc ir was kinda short anyway and ended up being repetitive towards the end. interesting format tbh
this was really thought provoking when it comes to conflict, and what romance has become in the West. what intimacy truly means and should include. i had hoped because of its indigenous roots, that it would be a bit more fluid in terms of gender roles but unfortunately it wasn’t. it felt painfully gendered and left me
not feeling like a majority of it would be applicable to relationships that i want :( and don’t even get me started on the chapter about gay people. like why even include it? very dehumanizing lololol. but it wasn’t complete garbage don’t get me wrong, just confusing at some points
this was really thought provoking when it comes to conflict, and what romance has become in the West. what intimacy truly means and should include. i had hoped because of its indigenous roots, that it would be a bit more fluid in terms of gender roles but unfortunately it wasn’t. it felt painfully gendered and left me
not feeling like a majority of it would be applicable to relationships that i want :( and don’t even get me started on the chapter about gay people. like why even include it? very dehumanizing lololol. but it wasn’t complete garbage don’t get me wrong, just confusing at some points
January 18, 2011
I highly recommend this book to anyone who tries to lead a very spiritual life but is unsure how to translate their beliefs into their everyday relationships. Somé also teaches other very important lessons relating to the difficulties that simply being from the West can impose on attempting to connect and attain intimacy with the people that are important to us. Even if you do not believe in indigenous spirituality, if you are willing to suspend disbelief and listen to the core of the text, you will find lessons that can help you move forward in your life.
February 8, 2011
Given to me by a coworker at the beginning of my divorce, The Spirit of Intimacy: Ancient African Teachings in the Ways of Relationships by Sobonfu Some was a very interesting book. Dealing with various aspects of relationships, Some introduces rituals from her village, as well as the theories and methodology surrounding these rituals. Many of the rituals I could not see myself actually practicing, but the symbolic nature of these rituals I could actually see myself incorporating into my life.
January 14, 2023
Overall, this was a good read. I really enjoyed the chapters surrounding community. We are often taught that the love we receive should either solely come from ourselves, or from a romantic interest, but here, we’re able to reimagine ships with community, friends, lover(s), etc. and that is a radical approach. A healing one.
I did not like that the book focused on cishet dynamics. It was sometimes difficult to get though a lot of it because it was not reflective or a valid representation of intimacy & spirit for me.
I did not like that the book focused on cishet dynamics. It was sometimes difficult to get though a lot of it because it was not reflective or a valid representation of intimacy & spirit for me.
December 5, 2008
One of my favorite non-fiction books. This book is like a bunch of thoughts written by an amazing woman, Sobonfu! She is from the Dagra tribe in Ghana and writes little pieces about Dagra culture and values. It is rich, stocked full of culture, and I loved reading it while preparing for my trip to East Africa.
October 23, 2013
Understanding the multiple definition of intimacy. How it is express in various relationship within a community. And understanding the importance of creating that supportive community for yourself and others.
No matter your background, spiritual, religious belief something can be pickup from reading this book.
No matter your background, spiritual, religious belief something can be pickup from reading this book.
September 11, 2013
Sobonfu was a teacher of mine when I was on a retreat a few years ago, and I love her books almost as much as I love her! This book is amazing. I love how she explains many of the cultural differences between her people in the Dagara tribe and us in the U.S.
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