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To Raise a Boy: Classrooms, Locker Rooms, Bedrooms, and the Hidden Struggles of American Boyhood
A journalist’s searing investigation into how we teach boys to be men—and how we can do better.
How will I raise my son to be different? This question gripped Washington Post investigative reporter Emma Brown, who was at home nursing her six-week-old son when the #MeToo movement erupted. In search of an answer, Brown traveled around the country, through towns urban and rural, affluent and distressed. In the course of her reporting, she interviewed hundreds of people—educators, parents, coaches, researchers, men, and boys—to understand the challenges boys face and how to address them.
What Brown uncovered was shocking: 23 percent of boys believe men should use violence to get respect; 22 percent of an incoming college freshman class said they had already committed sexual violence; 58 percent of young adults said they’ve never had a conversation with their parents about respect and care in sexual relationships. Men are four times more likely than women to die by suicide. Nearly 4 million men experience sexual violence each year.
From the reporter who brought Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s story to light, To Raise a Boy combines assiduous reporting, cutting-edge scientific research, and boys’ powerful testimonials to expose the crisis in young men’s emotional and physical health. Emma Brown connects the dots between educators, researchers, policy makers, and mental health professionals in this tour de force that upends everything we thought we knew about boys.
How will I raise my son to be different? This question gripped Washington Post investigative reporter Emma Brown, who was at home nursing her six-week-old son when the #MeToo movement erupted. In search of an answer, Brown traveled around the country, through towns urban and rural, affluent and distressed. In the course of her reporting, she interviewed hundreds of people—educators, parents, coaches, researchers, men, and boys—to understand the challenges boys face and how to address them.
What Brown uncovered was shocking: 23 percent of boys believe men should use violence to get respect; 22 percent of an incoming college freshman class said they had already committed sexual violence; 58 percent of young adults said they’ve never had a conversation with their parents about respect and care in sexual relationships. Men are four times more likely than women to die by suicide. Nearly 4 million men experience sexual violence each year.
From the reporter who brought Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s story to light, To Raise a Boy combines assiduous reporting, cutting-edge scientific research, and boys’ powerful testimonials to expose the crisis in young men’s emotional and physical health. Emma Brown connects the dots between educators, researchers, policy makers, and mental health professionals in this tour de force that upends everything we thought we knew about boys.
312 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 2, 2021
298 people are currently reading
4649 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 138 reviews
March 26, 2021
Brown covers the same ground as Peggy Orenstein did in Boys & Sex, but does so in a shallower, less compelling way. There's some good information here, but also a lot of repetition and a lot of skimmable anecdotes.
Also, she inserts herself into the reporting repeatedly as a mother of a son. She is, but her son also is 2. So, she doesn't have any real information about the effectiveness of what she's doing. I get that it was a driving force for her reporting, but it doesn't add anything compelling to the narrative.
Also, she inserts herself into the reporting repeatedly as a mother of a son. She is, but her son also is 2. So, she doesn't have any real information about the effectiveness of what she's doing. I get that it was a driving force for her reporting, but it doesn't add anything compelling to the narrative.
June 14, 2021
I thought this book would be [How] To Raise A Boy, but it’s more like To Raise A Boy [Is Fraught], which, uh, I know: that’s why I wanted a book to help me. And I don’t blame myself for making an incorrect assumption about the content: “how will I raise my son to be different?” is the second sentence of the publisher-provided summary.
Mostly this book details all the way society, government, and schools are failing boys, often with extremely specific examples, many of graphic sexual abuse (often as hazing). There was a lot of repetition along these. While there is some discussion of possibilities for structural change, it’s mostly focused on programs for boys in high school and college. There is very little in the way of practical solutions for parents.
This is fine but it’s not what I wanted or expected to read.
Mostly this book details all the way society, government, and schools are failing boys, often with extremely specific examples, many of graphic sexual abuse (often as hazing). There was a lot of repetition along these. While there is some discussion of possibilities for structural change, it’s mostly focused on programs for boys in high school and college. There is very little in the way of practical solutions for parents.
This is fine but it’s not what I wanted or expected to read.
March 10, 2021
I decided to read TO RAISE A BOY based solely on the title. I didn't read the blurb and didn't take note of the additional titling "Classrooms, Locker Rooms, Bedrooms, and the Hidden Struggles of American Boyhood." I made certain assumptions on the title alone only to have those assumptions dashed in the first paragraph of the book. Despite this potential setback, I have found the book eminently readable and quite hard to put down.
Stereotypes are constructs… not reality. The stereotypical male, portrayed as strong, emotionless and predatory, puts a significant roadblock on the road from boyhood to manhood. Emma Brown, Washington Post journalist, taught her first child, a daughter, to verbalize “I am strong and fearless” from the time she learned to talk. TO RAISE A BOY, written in the wake of the #MeToo movement, is a search for a similar mantra with which to endow her baby son. She felt like she knew how to raise a daughter to be successful in the world, after all, she was once a little girl herself.
The human mind sometimes makes strange connections. As I was reading, I recalled a college instructor of mine who taught computer programming and networking once discussing two points that have governed much of what I do. First, when writing a program, talk to the end user… they know the job and can best explain it despite the fact that management always thinks it knows better. Second, when starting any project, he commented (holding his hand up with thumb and index finger about an inch apart) "do this much planning" followed by (holding his arms wide) "do this much work." He went on to say the converse is also true and a more effective way of getting the job done properly. How did I connect this concept to this book? Think what it takes for that baby boy to become a man as a years-long project. You have that arm's width amount of time to get it right if you start when he is very young. Who is the end-user in this project? Society.
TO RAISE A BOY is written in much the same way any investigative journalist would attack a story. She did research, talked to hundreds of people, and gathered data from various studies. It is also written from the point of view of a woman who thinks herself lacking the skills to accomplish the goal of guiding a boy through his childhood to becoming a man. Ultimately, she came to the conclusion that no matter the gender of a child, ideally we want them to grow up 'comfortable in their own skin.' In light of her research, she came to realize that the mantra she taught her daughter was flawed and came to the conclusion she really wanted both her children to be "strong and gentle."
I love a book that challenges my understanding… a book that makes me think… a book that teaches me something I didn't know. TO RAISE A BOY did all of these things. It is a book for parents, educators and legislators if we are ever to achieve the equality we claim to want.
Stereotypes are constructs… not reality. The stereotypical male, portrayed as strong, emotionless and predatory, puts a significant roadblock on the road from boyhood to manhood. Emma Brown, Washington Post journalist, taught her first child, a daughter, to verbalize “I am strong and fearless” from the time she learned to talk. TO RAISE A BOY, written in the wake of the #MeToo movement, is a search for a similar mantra with which to endow her baby son. She felt like she knew how to raise a daughter to be successful in the world, after all, she was once a little girl herself.
The human mind sometimes makes strange connections. As I was reading, I recalled a college instructor of mine who taught computer programming and networking once discussing two points that have governed much of what I do. First, when writing a program, talk to the end user… they know the job and can best explain it despite the fact that management always thinks it knows better. Second, when starting any project, he commented (holding his hand up with thumb and index finger about an inch apart) "do this much planning" followed by (holding his arms wide) "do this much work." He went on to say the converse is also true and a more effective way of getting the job done properly. How did I connect this concept to this book? Think what it takes for that baby boy to become a man as a years-long project. You have that arm's width amount of time to get it right if you start when he is very young. Who is the end-user in this project? Society.
TO RAISE A BOY is written in much the same way any investigative journalist would attack a story. She did research, talked to hundreds of people, and gathered data from various studies. It is also written from the point of view of a woman who thinks herself lacking the skills to accomplish the goal of guiding a boy through his childhood to becoming a man. Ultimately, she came to the conclusion that no matter the gender of a child, ideally we want them to grow up 'comfortable in their own skin.' In light of her research, she came to realize that the mantra she taught her daughter was flawed and came to the conclusion she really wanted both her children to be "strong and gentle."
I love a book that challenges my understanding… a book that makes me think… a book that teaches me something I didn't know. TO RAISE A BOY did all of these things. It is a book for parents, educators and legislators if we are ever to achieve the equality we claim to want.
January 24, 2021
I received an electronic copy from NetGalley, and I was so happy to have an opportunity to read this book. As a mother of a son, I have tried to educate myself and was deeply influenced by The Trouble with Boys: A Surprising Report Card on Our Sons, Their Problems at School, and What Parents and Educators Must Do. I'd also read and recommended Masterminds and Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World, but this book really meets our current moment, and its author (the Washington Post reporter in whom Christine Blasey Ford confided) is uniquely positioned to do so.
This is a must-read for anyone who is taking part in raising children (teachers, coaches, and parents), especially if they have been focused solely on protecting and raising up girls. Brown is clearly interested in a more equitable future, and finds lots of reasons for hope, but also doesn't pull punches as she describes what boys are up against.
This is a must-read for anyone who is taking part in raising children (teachers, coaches, and parents), especially if they have been focused solely on protecting and raising up girls. Brown is clearly interested in a more equitable future, and finds lots of reasons for hope, but also doesn't pull punches as she describes what boys are up against.
February 26, 2024
I wept and wept! I think this might’ve been my favorite of the three (four?) books I’ve read so far about raising boys. Taken together, they’ve given me so much more empathy and compassion for boys’ lived experiences and a deeper understanding of how our culture’s gendered norms/expectations can cut boys off from essential parts of their humanity. It’s made me more appreciative of the men in my immediate family (my dad and my brothers), who I think really exemplify the positive, loving version of masculinity these books endorse—and I was also deeply moved by this particular book’s interviews with teenage boys who are grappling honestly with what it means to be a boy and to become an honorable, caring man who is capable of maintaining healthy relationships. Wahhh I really cried a lot. A few things I really loved/appreciated in this book:
1. The concept of teaching boys (and girls, I would argue!!) “porn literacy.” The writer notes that this approach is still pretty controversial in the US, but it resonated so strongly with me. Basically, porn literacy programs don’t chastise or condemn teens for being curious about porn. Instead, they focus on helping teens understand what porn is (and isn’t)—namely how and why the sexual behaviors and power dynamics depicted in porn differ from real life sexual encounters. They also help kids explore conflicting/mixed feelings they might have about encountering sexually explicit material, especially way-too-easily-accessible hardcore porn with degrading or violent elements, and encourage kids to articulate a sense of their own sexual values from a fairly young age (by 13 a significant number of boys have already engaged with online porn). These programs also give kids a chance to practice how they want to respond if they encounter this material or are shown it by friends. I think it’s such a smart way to handle a complicated issue, and I love the approach of not issuing blanket condemnations but really giving teens tools and frameworks for navigating complex situations/feelings around these issues.
2. The concept of teaching teens “sexual citizenship.” I want to dig more into the book this author cites to learn more, but I really like the idea that it’s not just about teaching boys “don’t commit assault” or “no means no,” but about really thinking about what it means to be a sexual citizen, to practice responsible sexual citizenship. It encompasses not just rape prevention/consent but also teaching people to communicate clearly about & during sex, to explore and be able to articulate their own desires, to be attuned to their sexual partners’ nonverbal signals and body language, and just in general to develop a set of core values around how you conduct yourself in sexual situations. I was really, really sold on the argument that it’s not enough to tell boys “don’t do this” or to define masculinity and straight men’s desires solely in negative/condemning terms… you need to really help them cultivate a strong, positive understanding of their own sexual identity and their responsibilities both to their partners AND to themselves. I just like the idea of really thinking through what is going to make me feel good, desire-wise, but also what is going to make me feel good in & about myself—ie, be able to see myself as an honorable person and a respectful, caring partner.
3. Bystander intervention…. I gotta think about this one more but yes yes yes. The core idea is, again, that boys don’t respond well to sexual violence prevention that chastises them or makes them feel like they’re being lumped together with men who commit rape. But boys DO seem to respond well to being taught practical bystander intervention techniques that give them a positive role to play in noticing what’s happening and stepping in to take care of people who are vulnerable.
4. Ughhh the parts that made me cry the most were really the ones that focused on how cruel boys can be to each other and how ruthlessly they can enforce gender norms in their social groups. And also just all the sections where teenage boys are speaking anonymously about how much they crave deep friendship and support and care from other boys, but how scared they are of being perceived as weak/gay/unmasculine. It seems like so many teenage boys are lonely 😭😭 This one feels like the hardest to protect boys from but man oh man reading about it will make your heart hurt.
1. The concept of teaching boys (and girls, I would argue!!) “porn literacy.” The writer notes that this approach is still pretty controversial in the US, but it resonated so strongly with me. Basically, porn literacy programs don’t chastise or condemn teens for being curious about porn. Instead, they focus on helping teens understand what porn is (and isn’t)—namely how and why the sexual behaviors and power dynamics depicted in porn differ from real life sexual encounters. They also help kids explore conflicting/mixed feelings they might have about encountering sexually explicit material, especially way-too-easily-accessible hardcore porn with degrading or violent elements, and encourage kids to articulate a sense of their own sexual values from a fairly young age (by 13 a significant number of boys have already engaged with online porn). These programs also give kids a chance to practice how they want to respond if they encounter this material or are shown it by friends. I think it’s such a smart way to handle a complicated issue, and I love the approach of not issuing blanket condemnations but really giving teens tools and frameworks for navigating complex situations/feelings around these issues.
2. The concept of teaching teens “sexual citizenship.” I want to dig more into the book this author cites to learn more, but I really like the idea that it’s not just about teaching boys “don’t commit assault” or “no means no,” but about really thinking about what it means to be a sexual citizen, to practice responsible sexual citizenship. It encompasses not just rape prevention/consent but also teaching people to communicate clearly about & during sex, to explore and be able to articulate their own desires, to be attuned to their sexual partners’ nonverbal signals and body language, and just in general to develop a set of core values around how you conduct yourself in sexual situations. I was really, really sold on the argument that it’s not enough to tell boys “don’t do this” or to define masculinity and straight men’s desires solely in negative/condemning terms… you need to really help them cultivate a strong, positive understanding of their own sexual identity and their responsibilities both to their partners AND to themselves. I just like the idea of really thinking through what is going to make me feel good, desire-wise, but also what is going to make me feel good in & about myself—ie, be able to see myself as an honorable person and a respectful, caring partner.
3. Bystander intervention…. I gotta think about this one more but yes yes yes. The core idea is, again, that boys don’t respond well to sexual violence prevention that chastises them or makes them feel like they’re being lumped together with men who commit rape. But boys DO seem to respond well to being taught practical bystander intervention techniques that give them a positive role to play in noticing what’s happening and stepping in to take care of people who are vulnerable.
4. Ughhh the parts that made me cry the most were really the ones that focused on how cruel boys can be to each other and how ruthlessly they can enforce gender norms in their social groups. And also just all the sections where teenage boys are speaking anonymously about how much they crave deep friendship and support and care from other boys, but how scared they are of being perceived as weak/gay/unmasculine. It seems like so many teenage boys are lonely 😭😭 This one feels like the hardest to protect boys from but man oh man reading about it will make your heart hurt.
February 29, 2024
Does this have depth in all areas? No. Is it a must-read? Yes. Even just to get your brain going on these issues and how to handle them from a parental lens. I think all parents of boys should read it.
April 29, 2022
A female investigative reporter gives birth to a son just as the Me-Too movement is gathering steam, and sets out to learn how to raise a son who will NOT be the cause of such headlines in future. Her research proves troubling on many fronts however: while most of us focus on men behaving badly toward women, few pay attention to the equally galling issue of men behaving badly to other men. In the end Brown skewers the peculiarly American view of "masculinity" that seems to require repeated expressions of aggression and violence toward other men and women alike in order to stay "on top" and feel "respected." Her research into what boys and young men experience in schoolyards and locker rooms as they compete to prove their toughness is heartbreaking. And the required masculine "code of silence" means that few parents hear about these struggles. Violence is ingrained in much of American life and young men (and old!) pay a heavy toll in emotional and physical well-being as a result. A disturbing read.
May 3, 2021
We need to start doing things so much differently. Brown points towards many different ways that people are attempting this on a small scale. I really hope those efforts grow. While this overlapped in some ways with For the Love of Men, it also had lots of new and different information, so definitely worth reading both. Also, I want to say the first chapter was fairly gruesome, and I wondered for a bit why she was including all of that, but she had a point to make with the stories she was telling, and she made it well.
Read
January 17, 2025Oh this book was a lot, and I read it too quickly. But I think I really needed this as a teacher of young men and parent of a teen boy. I learned a lot and have a lot to process. Check out Jes Egan’s review for some of the great takeaways that inspired me to read this.
December 8, 2024
So incredibly eye opening!
February 21, 2023
A great read for everyone, not just parents of boys!
May 2, 2021
3.5 because it wasn’t quite what I thought it would be (a book about how, exactly, I should be raising my boys), but 4 because what it really focused on was pretty fascinating. Lots about the importance of and difficulties surrounding teaching about sex, sexual violence, consent, pornography, masculinity, etc - and some new and exciting programs that are working towards this kind of education for boys.
July 7, 2021
As the father of a 6 year old boy I am terrified. Raising a person at all is monumental. Raising a boy and attempting to teach him what is right, how to treat people, his inherent privilege (white and male) is just daunting. My wife and I have started early talking to him about best practices and teaching him as best we can.
But we weren't raised this way. This is new to us.
And we aren't there all the time. The time he spends at school, out with friends, we have little to no control over that.
If anything, I am glad to know we aren't alone with our worry.
This book doesn't really make anything easier, there are resources, but alot of these are for older kids.
Basically, life is a fine line. My kid is either going to turn out okay, a complete fuckup or wonderful. All of the worry and work that parents put into directing our children can be completely undone by one youtube clip or one chance encounter at school. Watching one person treat another person with respect or disrespect can affect their life forever. Ugh.
But we weren't raised this way. This is new to us.
And we aren't there all the time. The time he spends at school, out with friends, we have little to no control over that.
If anything, I am glad to know we aren't alone with our worry.
This book doesn't really make anything easier, there are resources, but alot of these are for older kids.
Basically, life is a fine line. My kid is either going to turn out okay, a complete fuckup or wonderful. All of the worry and work that parents put into directing our children can be completely undone by one youtube clip or one chance encounter at school. Watching one person treat another person with respect or disrespect can affect their life forever. Ugh.
xx-dnf-skim-reference
July 4, 2021TLDR - good book, recommended.
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My youngest, 25 yo, son (a staff member at the local library) brought this home for me. I don't know yet what he thinks I'll get out of it. Maybe a better understanding of how hard it's been for him to grow up to be a good person in this society?
See this review for probably the best understanding of what you might get out of it:
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
---
So, it turns out my son wants me to look at the book because he scanned it, read some of what the author has said online, and just thinks she's very sensible. He's going to try to make time to read more of the book. I read prologue, epilogue, and some bits in the middle, and am impressed enough to encourage him, and you, to give this a shot.
Brown took this on to educate herself as she was beginning to raise her son. She admits there are other books on the subject of the harmfulness of the expectations we have for boys, and says that she always thought of herself as enlightened. But her research revealed to her that there's more to be said, and she is here trying to say it. Back-matter reveals the extent of that research.
One of the good news bits I loved was learning of Mattel's Creatable World dolls. Not perfect, but a huge step in the right direction towards inclusiveness and respect for children who don't fit stereotypes.
Anecdotes from her experience being a new mom (her daughter is three years older than her son) help a reader like her (privileged, white, married) get perspective on the issues that confront all boys, whether in her son's cohort or in, for example, Clarence Thomas's. One thing that struck me is that she had been raising her daughter to say the mantra "I am strong and fearless." After doing some research, she realized that this was too extreme, and that all children, all people, can be afraid sometimes. A teen boy says the woman who raised him gave him the mantra "I am [both] strong and gentle" and this is now what Brown is telling both her kids. I told my son this, and he really likes it, too.
So much good stuff here. Lots about sexual violence and rape and porn though; I didn't have the stomach for much of that. I did read most of the chapter on what I call the 'braid of nurture and nature.' I clearly did good, keeping my kids away from TV and the boys vs. girls toy aisles... but even that is not quite enough. Be sure to hug your boys as well as your girls, for example... I hugged mine through their flare-ups to help them catch hold of themselves by having them breathe with me until they could articulate what was so upsetting.
Keep all the options open for all of the children... only by drawing on all of our perspectives and talents will we ever become truly civilized and able to enjoy our lives on this beautiful world.
Highly recommended to parents and other educators, and to activists and policy makers.
---
My youngest, 25 yo, son (a staff member at the local library) brought this home for me. I don't know yet what he thinks I'll get out of it. Maybe a better understanding of how hard it's been for him to grow up to be a good person in this society?
See this review for probably the best understanding of what you might get out of it:
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
---
So, it turns out my son wants me to look at the book because he scanned it, read some of what the author has said online, and just thinks she's very sensible. He's going to try to make time to read more of the book. I read prologue, epilogue, and some bits in the middle, and am impressed enough to encourage him, and you, to give this a shot.
Brown took this on to educate herself as she was beginning to raise her son. She admits there are other books on the subject of the harmfulness of the expectations we have for boys, and says that she always thought of herself as enlightened. But her research revealed to her that there's more to be said, and she is here trying to say it. Back-matter reveals the extent of that research.
One of the good news bits I loved was learning of Mattel's Creatable World dolls. Not perfect, but a huge step in the right direction towards inclusiveness and respect for children who don't fit stereotypes.
Anecdotes from her experience being a new mom (her daughter is three years older than her son) help a reader like her (privileged, white, married) get perspective on the issues that confront all boys, whether in her son's cohort or in, for example, Clarence Thomas's. One thing that struck me is that she had been raising her daughter to say the mantra "I am strong and fearless." After doing some research, she realized that this was too extreme, and that all children, all people, can be afraid sometimes. A teen boy says the woman who raised him gave him the mantra "I am [both] strong and gentle" and this is now what Brown is telling both her kids. I told my son this, and he really likes it, too.
So much good stuff here. Lots about sexual violence and rape and porn though; I didn't have the stomach for much of that. I did read most of the chapter on what I call the 'braid of nurture and nature.' I clearly did good, keeping my kids away from TV and the boys vs. girls toy aisles... but even that is not quite enough. Be sure to hug your boys as well as your girls, for example... I hugged mine through their flare-ups to help them catch hold of themselves by having them breathe with me until they could articulate what was so upsetting.
Keep all the options open for all of the children... only by drawing on all of our perspectives and talents will we ever become truly civilized and able to enjoy our lives on this beautiful world.
Highly recommended to parents and other educators, and to activists and policy makers.
May 31, 2024
Easily in my top ten nonfiction books now. This is a must read for any parent. I'm shocked at the low number of reviews and equally appalled at any review less than 5 stars. This book is filled with important information that everyone should have access to.
I highly recommend this book for EVERYONE. It's going to make you mad. It might make you cry. It will make you feel enraged.
We need to stop stereotyping our boys and men. We need to stop giving them examples of unreasonable and unrealistic ideas of what it truly means to be a man.
At the end of the day we are all human beings. Boys and men need love and compassion. They need trust in their friendships and relationships sometimes even more so then women.
They need to feel safe and honored and know that it's okay to cry. They must know that it's okay to be human without being called a p**** or being told to man up.
They have to be told that their body is also a temple. That it is a sacred space. And that just because they are male doesn't mean they have to give in to anyone who desires them.
We need to teach them that it's okay for them to say NO. We need to teach them the same way we teach our daughters and protect them just the same.
We must tell them that boundaries and consent are not just for women. We can teach them it is okay to be in tune with emotions.
Masculinity is not always toxic. Just because someone is born with male genitalia it does not make them any less of a person.
Why do we treat sexual abuse differently when it happens to men? It is time for perspectives to change.
The news fills us up with stories of abuse against women. I am NOT discrediting that. This book sheds light on the very real abuse and sexual abuse that happens to men BY men or teen boys against teen boys.
I praise this book with everything in me. If you are a parent of a boy no matter how old they are - you MUST read this book or listen to the audiobook.
I highly recommend this book for EVERYONE. It's going to make you mad. It might make you cry. It will make you feel enraged.
We need to stop stereotyping our boys and men. We need to stop giving them examples of unreasonable and unrealistic ideas of what it truly means to be a man.
At the end of the day we are all human beings. Boys and men need love and compassion. They need trust in their friendships and relationships sometimes even more so then women.
They need to feel safe and honored and know that it's okay to cry. They must know that it's okay to be human without being called a p**** or being told to man up.
They have to be told that their body is also a temple. That it is a sacred space. And that just because they are male doesn't mean they have to give in to anyone who desires them.
We need to teach them that it's okay for them to say NO. We need to teach them the same way we teach our daughters and protect them just the same.
We must tell them that boundaries and consent are not just for women. We can teach them it is okay to be in tune with emotions.
Masculinity is not always toxic. Just because someone is born with male genitalia it does not make them any less of a person.
Why do we treat sexual abuse differently when it happens to men? It is time for perspectives to change.
The news fills us up with stories of abuse against women. I am NOT discrediting that. This book sheds light on the very real abuse and sexual abuse that happens to men BY men or teen boys against teen boys.
I praise this book with everything in me. If you are a parent of a boy no matter how old they are - you MUST read this book or listen to the audiobook.
July 20, 2024
I think this is a must read for parents with children of any gender. I think the author does a great job of admitting her own biases and how she struggles with the information. It’s really tough to embrace a super empathetic attitude towards how patriarchal structures hurt boys and men but doing so makes us better. Like many books related to parenting and childhood, it seems like people are bothered by the lack of explicit, actionable advice. But yet again I find myself comforted by the openness of the information provided. It would be pretty foolish to provide us with all of these struggles and issues and claim that there is a singular solution.
However, I think there were some clear takeaways:
1. Don’t just have one big conversation (re: bodily autonomy, empathy, consent, sex, etc) and expect ideas to stick. Have open conversations with your children often throughout their adolescence, make room for questions and uncertainty.
2. Just as girls and women need support and strong role models, boys and men benefit from companionship, mentorship, and community support. Our boys are and will be better when surrounded by good men and when they have an outlet to talk and relate to one another
3. Boys and men are really struggling with how the conversations around misogyny and patriarchy are being conducted, regardless of if we think we should be tempering the narrative for their comfort level. I still think there is room and need for direct, no nonsense conversations about how the patriarchy hurts EVERYONE. BUT there is also room and need for empathy towards boys who may only be hearing “you are bad simply because you are a boy.” This feels like something to handle more on a case by case basis, with the focus still very much being on breaking down these systems and toxic expectations. There’s still a lot to ruminate on here and I’m still struggling with centering issues that harm boys and men. It’s important to sit with.
However, I think there were some clear takeaways:
1. Don’t just have one big conversation (re: bodily autonomy, empathy, consent, sex, etc) and expect ideas to stick. Have open conversations with your children often throughout their adolescence, make room for questions and uncertainty.
2. Just as girls and women need support and strong role models, boys and men benefit from companionship, mentorship, and community support. Our boys are and will be better when surrounded by good men and when they have an outlet to talk and relate to one another
3. Boys and men are really struggling with how the conversations around misogyny and patriarchy are being conducted, regardless of if we think we should be tempering the narrative for their comfort level. I still think there is room and need for direct, no nonsense conversations about how the patriarchy hurts EVERYONE. BUT there is also room and need for empathy towards boys who may only be hearing “you are bad simply because you are a boy.” This feels like something to handle more on a case by case basis, with the focus still very much being on breaking down these systems and toxic expectations. There’s still a lot to ruminate on here and I’m still struggling with centering issues that harm boys and men. It’s important to sit with.
June 14, 2023
Needlessly lurid? Emma Brown spends a ton of time talking, in graphic detail, about how boys rape each other in locker rooms. On the whole, this is not a helpful book for parents and seems to only underscore how difficult it is for boys to know how to exist in 21st-century American culture, given all of the mixed messages they receive. Brown just continues to mix those messages. The only part of the book that I found valuable was her case study on the benefits of restorative justice, which sounds very hopeful.
June 3, 2021
As someone who gas worked in the sexual violence field for more than two decades, there is litle new here for me (though there were a few things that still shifted my brain in some really neccesary way). That said, this is an excellent synopsis of where we’ve been and a strong pursuasive case for where we need to go.
September 14, 2021
good overview of what it means to be a boy growing up now and what schools/organizations/people are doing to combat the problems and pressures facing boys now. lots of recent cases/examples/studies, which were interesting to read, like how men who have a more "toxic" sense of masculinity tended to refuse to wear masks/not believe in COVID more.
August 16, 2021
As a feminist and a mother of a self proclaimed boy, I struggle daily with how to teach my son about the world he lives in, about the privileges he has inherited, about the responsibility he has to stand up for injustices, without making him feel guilty for being born male. While this isn’t a parenting book, it is such a great starting point to do just that. This is essential reading for anyone struggling with reconciling the violence and misogyny in our world with the men in our lives.
January 13, 2023
I feel like I learned a lot with this one about raising a boy in the age of the internet and social media. I had hoped it would be more than just a book about sexual violence but that wasn’t her goal.
July 12, 2023
This is a great read for all people, not just parents of boys, but anyone who works with children or parents. I loved the chapter about how feminism has made room for girls to be masculine but has left boys out of the conversation and have left many boys and men feeling lost.
September 23, 2024
1.5 ☆ (maybe????)
honestly really disappointed. brown points out issues that do need to be discussed, especially when it comes to how we view male victim sexual assault. however, she offers little to what we can do about it. overall just a book full of pointing out problems without giving any solutions.
plus if any solution was offered it felt like common knowledge… like listen to your kid
disappointed, but at least the cover will be nice on my book self
honestly really disappointed. brown points out issues that do need to be discussed, especially when it comes to how we view male victim sexual assault. however, she offers little to what we can do about it. overall just a book full of pointing out problems without giving any solutions.
plus if any solution was offered it felt like common knowledge… like listen to your kid
disappointed, but at least the cover will be nice on my book self
April 21, 2021
So, so important. Excellent. Well written and researched.
August 3, 2021
This had lots of heartbreaking data but I wanted more clear takeaways. There are some cool programs mentioned that I want to look into!
February 21, 2022
An important, though gut-wrenching, read. Walking away with new perspectives on challenging issues (i.e., sex, consent, race) and what this means for raising my two boys.
November 16, 2024
All parents should read, not just parents of boys. It was a hard to read at some points, but I don’t know how it couldn’t be.
December 17, 2024
Devoured this. It was sickening, inspiring, frightening and motivating. I’ve already recommended it to everyone I’ve talked to today.
April 3, 2024
This book was definitely interesting and got me thinking. My only critique was it was very heavy in the sexual harassment/assault and I felt like that took up a lot of time and a lot of issues that I thought may be discussed weren’t because that was a majority of the book.
October 12, 2021
This book really made me think. I can appreciate the perspective it gave me thinking about raising two boys. Setting limits now is more important than I could have ever realized. It is not just for the immediate moment, but it is for the moment years from now. No means no. You don’t always get what you want. This applies at all ages.
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