Living Alone and Loving It

by Barbara Feldon

From a celebrity author who really walks the walk, Living Alone and Loving It is at once a celebration of living alone in a society that exalts marriage and family, and a prescriptive guide that shows the reader how truly to relish a life that does not include a partner.

After a relationship impasse, Barbara Feldon—universally known as the effervescent spy "99" on Get Smart —found herself living alone. Little did she know that this time would become one of the most enriching and joyous periods of her life.

Now Feldon shares her secrets for living alone and loving it. Prescribing antidotes for loneliness, salves for fears, and answers for just about every question that arises in an unpartnered day, she covers both the practical and emotional aspects of the solo life, including how

-Stop imagining that marriage is a solution for loneliness

-Nurture a glowing self-image that is not dependent on an admirer

-Value connections that might be overlooked

-Develop your creative side

-End negative thinking

Whether you are blessed with the promise of youth or the wisdom of age, Living Alone & Loving It will instill the know-how to forge a life with few maps and many adventures.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Memoir, Divorce, Adult

166 pages, Paperback

First published December 10, 2002

Reviews

[Margaret · Rating 4 out of 5]

Note: I read this book and wrote the review in 2003 before I met my husband.

This book had some excellent ideas for savoring your time while living alone, to make it seem less lonely. There were so many good ideas in it, that I couldn’t possible do the book justice by writing a few paragraphs about it here.

Barbara found herself living alone after having a man in her life for many years. Rather than be depressed about her current situation, she made the best of her time to herself and accomplished so much.

Below are some of her ideas I would like to do in my life.
-Notice the potential for comfort in the world at large: Practice courage in initiating contact with the everyday people in our lives. Practice really seeing them, really hearing them, and really responding to them
-Make a list of human resources: Keep a list of all of your close friends, confidants, and family members and if you haven’t heard from someone in a while, get in touch with them. Don’t take it personally if you haven’t heard from them
-Build Bridges: Embrace the role of the bridge builder by staying aware of events to attend with friends: sports, film, theatre, concerts etc. Be willing to make the calls, order the tickets etc. Host a gathering each month to share some common interest.
-Read: Barbara also talks about reading and how she rediscovered her passion for reading once she was single. “We read to know ourselves; there are many more selves to know than can come to light in our ordinary lives.....If we are openhearted readers, some walls within us will crumble allowing our unsuspected selves to flicker to life.”

“Though T.V. has interesting things to see from time to time, it can sabotage your wish to dive deeply into interests that have much more to offer you in the long run.”

She also talks about accepting the fact you are single and moving past it by noticing the variety of human connection available instead of obsessing about what was missing. Also to take a stand against outdated attitudes. If we regard our single status as inferior to being married then the problem is in ourselves.

This would be a fun book to purchase and have in my collection because it gives some excellent ideas for this marvelous time in your life when you can focus on someone very important....you!

[Cynthia · Rating 5 out of 5]

OK, so you've finally taken his unacceptable behaviour to the wall, and now you're on your own. Devoid of relationship-entrail-reading and high-minded philosophy about women's political struggles, Feldon's book gives sensible, do-able advice on how to go about how to summon up a rich, full life for yourself that doesn't include living with a man. In particular she torpedoed my illusion that my life would be so much better if only my soul mate would show up, and she made me fell very normal and capable in my struggles to replace my married friends. If you've discovered that being married guarantees neither a satisfying sexual relationship nor pleasant companionship, read this and learn to live well.

[Therese · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is just a nice little thoughtfully-composed, well-written self-help book that is true to its purpose and offers a lovely dose of positivity, with encouraging thoughts on how to make the most of living on your own and find true joy in it, whether you're in that situation by choice or not. The author doesn't shy away from delightfully subversive questioning of conventional norms and societal biases about the solitary life versus coupledom or living in a family situation. She celebrates the silver linings and opportunities of independent living, such as the ability to focus on creative projects, to have intimacy and stimulation through all kinds of levels of platonic and romantic connections with others, to travel and explore passionate interests and to arrange one's living quarters and use one's time in whatever way makes one happiest. She doesn't ignore the downsides like occasional loneliness, but also offers a lot of truly useful thoughts on how to cope with and combat them, and wise perspectives on how the coupled/family life also has its downsides and lonely times, and the important thing is just making the most of the situation you're in. Lots of intelligence here, and I suspect I'll be rereading some chapters in the future when I'm feeling dented and in need of bolstering ...

[Ivanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of actionable tips on how to connect with others in spite of living alone. She frames solo living in a positive light without faking optimism. This isn't a book about surviving solo, it's about thriving in a lifestyle often seen as temporary.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whether you're single, divorced, living away from home, this is a great fast read that makes tons of sense and gets you out of a funk when you need it most\, reminding you of ways to appreciate and enjoy the freedom of living solo.

[Barbara · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this thinking, "Well, I like living alone. Maybe I'll find something new that will make me *love* it." I didn't find that here. This book was okay, but only okay.

[Donna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just finished reading the book “LIVING ALONE & LOVING IT: A GUIDE TO RELISHING THE SOLO LIFE” by BARBARA FELDON. From a celebrity author who really walks the walk, “Living Alone and Loving It” is at once a celebration of living alone in a society that exalts marriage and family, and a prescriptive guide that shows the reader how truly to relish a life that does not include a partner. After a relationship impasse, Barbara Feldon—universally known as the effervescent spy "99" on Get Smart—found herself living alone. Little did she know that this time would become one of the most enriching and joyous periods of her life. Now Feldon shares her secrets for living alone and loving it. Prescribing antidotes for loneliness, salves for fears, and answers for just about every question that arises in an unpartnered day, she covers both the practical and emotional aspects of the solo life, including how to:
-Stop imagining that marriage is a solution for loneliness
-Nurture a glowing self-image that is not dependent on an admirer
-Value connections that might be overlooked
-Develop your creative side
-End negative thinking
Whether you are blessed with the promise of youth or the wisdom of age, “Living Alone & Loving It” will instill the know-how to forge a life with few maps and many adventures. This was one of the best SELF-HELP books I have ever read. I read it from cover to cover in one session.

[ian without an e · Rating 4 out of 5]

"We believe there is something essential we don’t have that’s obtainable. What we long for doesn’t exist, not anywhere. The ache is in the belief."

Short, straightforward, and insightful. I found myself relating to the stories which is nice but there were also areas that felt oversimplified.

I like how the book talks about how to find balance with being single while still enjoying intimacy and living a fulfilling life instead of just downplaying romantic relationships altogether. I wouldn't say the workarounds provided here were all applicable to me and most people, but they're still worth thinking about.

4/5 🌟(Lots of really good quotes and references too!)

[Robyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars.

[Tanya · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I found this book years ago when it first was published.
Such a wonderful little guide about being single and appreciating it. Practical solutions to deal with the psychosocial aspects of living alone rather than the day to day living stuff you find in most books.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved it. I'm not a self-help book kind of gal, and I was hesitant to read this book because I do live alone and love it--I don't need any help in the matter. What made the book so delicious for me was for the first time hearing everything I believe and feel about living alone reflected back to me for the first time. I've always felt like a freak in the world--I honestly don't know of anyone else like me. But now I do. Agent 99 is my kindred spirit. Although she entered singlehood tentatively, while I have always felt more whole when I am alone, she and I could not have more in common. It was a lovely reminder of the joys of life, relationships, environments, and, maybe most importantly, creativity.

[Liv Schultz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great tips on the opportunities being single allows

Single mother trying to find my way through life, this book spoke to the growth and confidence that one needs to face being single in a realistic light. I currently have no desire for a live in partner, I want to explore life on my own for a bit and this book has helped me set goals, reignite past creativities I once enjoyed, and found a way to fulfill a dream to travel and see the world. The need for intimacy and connection is real and healthy to every person, this helps to see how to get those needs met beyond a coupling, and reap the benefits without losing self as the price just to have those things. Excellent read

[Barbara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a fun and inspiring read. Barbara Feldon is a poet and her writing is sweet and lyrical. Her stories were thoroughly engaging and touching. She also offered practical advice on how to maneuver the challenges and obstacles to living alone and loving it. I will keep this on my shelves to read again!

[Lsmith · Rating 4 out of 5]

I want to keep Barbara Feldon company!
Of course I wouldn't cramp her style, and I'd let her have her space. And she'd be real supportive of me and my space too. And we'd do art and poetry, sing and dance around her NY apartment.
Until then, I'll read this book again.

[Tony Snyder · Rating 5 out of 5]

The thing I loved most about this book is the tone. It isn't preachy, saccharine, or draconian. Reading it is like talking to a best friend. Excellent!

[Cheryl Stevens · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sharing the solo life, a lot of this wasn't new to me, but was a refresher that living alone doesn't mean loneliness, but freedom instead. A worthwhile reader from an unexpected author.

[Catarina]

Below are tips from the book (summarized):


slaying the dragon: loneliness
(we believe there is something essential we don't have that's obtainable, what we long for doesn't exist, not anywhere.the ache is in the belief)

• Notice the potential for comfort in the world at large. (Delivery people, bank personnel, doormen. Practice really seeing them, really listening, really responding and welcome the human comfort they offer.)
• Identify diners, coffee houses and restaurants where you're comfortable eating by yourself (eventually you will want to be open to conversation with the staff or perhaps with other patrons.)
• Make a list of "human resources." (make sure it's current and that you're staying in touch. This will be insurance against your social structure being too depleted when someone moves away and will be a check on demanding too much of any one person.)
• Build bridges (Be the one to arrange plans with friends)
• Identify activities that draw you in to the community and participate in them. (photography and art exhibits, local opera groups, community theater productions, cooking classes, bowling group)
• Protect yourself on holidays. (always make plans with others or if not possible, attend a public event or serve dinner at a homeless shelter)
• Enroll in a college extension program.
• Join a gym, yoga class or dance class.
• Stop believing that a relationship is the solution to loneliness. (Seeking escape from loneliness is a dangerous reason to be coupled. It's best to solve the loneliness issue on your own as insurance against dragging it into a future relationship. Create an environment of social and self-support that can protect you from forming inappropriate relationships based solely on need.
*****Let go of the idea that someone else can make your life wonderful Your happiness is in your own hands; that's the safest place for it.*****


banishing negative thinking
(we each have a tolerance level for solitude that is important to recognize in order to prevent a flood of distress)

• Try to understand the underlying causes of mentally attacking yourself. (meditation or looking at each negtative issue from different angles and list several different ways of viewing it. For example, if you are obsessing about being rejected, list those people in your life who welcome and accept you.)
• Question the cultural prejudice of viewing marriage as the only road to happiness. (list people you know who enjoy living on their own, those who have chosen it, those whose lives are happy without the validation of a partner and those who have no mate or kids and still feel secure.)
• Don't depend on a partner for your self-esteem. (Create a pool of validation sources: friends, your work, your talent. Recall your successful endeavors)
• Become your own best ally, not your worst enemy. (Don't believe in your negative self-assessments. Be supportive of your efforts to take care of yourself and be tolerant of backsliding.)
• Stop dwelling on events and people who have disappointed you. (Sometimes it's helpful to write down all your grievances, put them in a drawer and close it. For each negative memory, try to substitute a recollection of those people who have come through for you.)
• Avoid negative thinners because they reinforce yourfears.
• Pay attention to your level of tolerance for solitude. (Experiment with time alone and observe the point at which pleasurable solitude becomes uncomfortable or when you begin to feel anxious or start down a negative mental path.)
• Make a list of your favorite negative thoughts. (Know your enemy as though you are planning for an invasion; determine when and where they are likely to attack and be ready to refute their mes- sages.)

intimacy

[Murielle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got this book thinking it would just be another typical celebrity-written drivel that one encounters and that the only thing it would add to my life was another notch on my Goodreads reading challenge.

Wrong.

Not only is Barbara Feldon (Get Smart's Agent 99) an excellent writer, she has compiled a thoughtful and useful reflection on how to live a successful, meaningful, and joyful life alone. Actually, that's misleading. I'd say not alone, but single, as one of her first discoveries is surrounding yourself with wonderful friends.

In one hundred sixty-eight pages Feldon examines the life of a mature single through eleven chapters sharing her experience of creating the kind of life as a single woman that anyone would see as full and rich and vibrant and exciting and satisfying. Also, she highlights the major points at the end of each chapter, creating a guide to loving your life even without being permanently partnered.

I honestly didn't think I would get anything out of this book but oh boy did I ever. This book is a keeper. I learned so much and am so inspired by her suggestions and experiences, I'm already planning on implementing so many things she described and advised.

Yes. I really recommend this book and not just for singles, but for anyone who wants to enhance their life experience.

[Douglas Lord · Rating 5 out of 5]

This breezy memoir chronicles how actress Feldon (Agent 99 from Get Smart) found herself alone after a divorce and the end of other serious relationships. Beginning to despair of ever finding happiness, she came to understand that she could be perfectly–even radiantly–happy living alone. (Indeed, she sometimes sounds a bit desperate as she hammers home her theme.) Astute and optimistic, she notes the problems inherent in regarding “single status as inferior to being married” and advocates consciously embracing the solo life so as to live life on one’s own terms. Her wise words (e.g., “Stop believing that marriage is the solution to loneliness”) will be useful to anyone, single or otherwise. For public libraries and the night stand, along with Wendy Burt and Erin Kindberg’s lighthearted and upbeat Oh, Solo MIA!: The Hip Chicks Guide to Fun for One.

Find reviews of books for men at Books for Dudes, Books for Dudes, the online reader's advisory column for men from Library Journal. Copyright Library Journal.

[Elisabeth Racz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Relevant and timely

I downloaded Barbara Feldon’s beautiful book on living alone several years ago, but I never dared to read it until now. I wasn’t yet ready to accept that, having been widowed at a fairly young age, I might never marry again. To me, reading this book felt like accepting a fate I thought I could never get comfortable with. I could have saved myself years of suffering and angst, had I only had the courage to read this book sooner.

Beautifully written and full of practical advice, this book is a comforting addition to any single person’s library. Not only does it point out the advantages of solitude, but it also encourages the reader to step out into the world confidently as a single person, completely comfortable with oneself, and ready to interact in a world full of exciting possibilities.

I highly recommend this book to singles of any age. Don’t wait for Mr. Right to start living the life of your dreams. Create the life of your dreams with where you are and who you are right now.

[Beale Stainton · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm 38. I only work 3 days a week. I'm single and live alone. I write. I read. I love the beach side community I live in. Lately I've been feeling indescribable moments of quiet joy, starting the days with yoga classes, newspapers, coffee, coastal runs, salted caramel plant based protein shakes, etc. This morning I found this book and started to read it just up off the beach beneath an overcast sky, then by the afternoon the sun was out, my shirt was off and I was surrounded by others doing the same thing, all on their own - which was so contrasting to the usual sight of the army of couples holding two dogs each - then I finished this book and it was as if the company I had been needing, that understood my sense of joy in living my quietly private life, was all there in Barabara Feldon's book. It was Barbara Feldon the writer/creator. I know all the joys she's described. I've lived alone most of my thirties. I've done solo long hikes. I've travelled through Ethiopia, Papua New Guinea, Myanmar, etc, all solo. There should be more books about this kind of stuff.

[Stephanie Femia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Long before Marie Kondo became famous for telling us to surround ourselves with things that spark joy, Barbara Feldon was sharing the same message: “My surroundings are my visual background music. Everything my eyes light upon affects how I feel.” (B. Foldon). In my twenties (single, broke, and riddled with anxiety about the future) this book paved a way forward for me; giving me permission to embrace my solo lifestyle, and to carve out spaces for myself that were delightfully unconventional and uniquely mine. While all my friends were getting married, buying homes, and having kids, Barbara Feldon made me see the fun and freedom in my own journey and the possibilities that single living afforded. Now at age fifty, married with kids, I still recall the little yellow paperback that I kept going back to again and again in my younger years for inspiration and validation. It’s not a stretch to say that this book kind of saved me.

[Nancy Hinsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Agent 99 has written a great little book! From the heart. You know she lives what she writes. She writes with grace, elegance and humility. Some great ideas for loneliness, boredom and ennui. Get moving, create, join, start, meet. When one lives alone, as I do, the opportunities for growth, discovery, friendships, education, creativity....and so much more....are endless. The old saying, "Some day I'm going to....." definitely applies. The freedom I experience is aptly described in this book, as well. I enjoyed this short and enjoyable read, got a few new ideas and had some of my own validated. I will pass it along to the next woman (most likely) looking at a life in her own company. NH

[Alan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first picked this up when I started re-watching the original Get Smart TV series and discovered that Agent 99 had written a book! Part memoir, part self-help guide, Barbara Feldon's thesis on being single is a cathartic, yet uplifting take on a lifestyle society has long maligned as unfulfilling and abnormal. Her candid look into her own psyche and emotions provide a foothold for the reader to relate in their own way and understand the basis for the short yet punchy advice she prescribes at the end of each chapter. A good read for anyone who wants to understand why being single isn't about 'living alone', but rather about living with (and taking care of) yourself through the understanding that none of us is ever truly alone.

[Patricia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some might say that the advice in this book is simply stating the obvious. But to see it in writing while having it to refer to when needed is what makes the difference. The best person to read this book is someone who is past the initial transition of being alone.

[Grace Lee]

great ideas to get you jazzed about solo time - if you can tone out the focus of this book applying to those who choose to live a life outside of marriage it applies to everyone who wants to spend more time being independent.

[Kathy Burden · Rating 3 out of 5]

Had some thoughtful tips on how to navigate life as a single person. I liked her ideas on delving into exploring your own interests and creativity. That resonated for me.

[Betty · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! Lots of food ideas.

[Michael · Rating 4 out of 5]

particularly good for someone recently single and needing ideas about how to cope with it.

[Jrodeo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Worthy of another read! A lot more insight than I predicted.