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When Your Aging Parent Needs Help: A Geriatrician's Step-by-Step Guide to Memory Loss, Resistance, Safety Worries, & More
It’s scary and stressful when it happens…. noticing changes in your parent and becoming increasingly worried about their health and safety. Maybe it’s Mom leaving the stove on, Dad getting lost on his way home, or unpaid bills that trigger this realization. Or perhaps there have been falls or emergency room visits. Whatever it is, you know something’s wrong. You wonder about a diagnosis. And you want your aging parent to accept help, or perhaps move.Helping an older parent can be gratifying. But it’s especially hard if they’re blowing off your concerns, refusing to make changes, or otherwise resisting your efforts. You want them to listen, but they get upset or withdraw when you try to talk about this. What to do?You don’t have to remain stuck in conflict with your parent (or other family members). You don’t have to keep getting the runaround from doctors or feel stumped about next steps. Instead, use an expert’s clear plan on how to help your aging parent.In this practical, step-by-step guide, geriatrician Leslie Kernisan, MD, walks you through what to do and what to say in order to offer respectful assistance and intervention to a declining elderly parent.Full of actionable advice and insider tips, When Your Aging Parent Needs Help provides practical and flexible steps that move concerned families toward effective elder care action, while respecting a parent’s dignity and autonomy.You’ll to communicate with your aging parent to reduce conflicts and enhance cooperationThe A-B-C-D-E assessment framework for Alzheimer or other dementia concerns, safety issues, or independent living – and steps to implement changeStrategies to overcome parental resistance, health provider reluctance to share information, and family disagreementHow to get a medical evaluation for memory loss and, if applicable, a diagnosis for Alzheimer’s or another dementiaWhat to know about possible mental “incompetence,” powers of attorney, HIPAA, and other options for gaining legal authority as a caregiverHow to find geriatric care managers and other eldercare professionals to assistDownloadable worksheets, symptom checkers, and checklists to bring to doctor visits “What this looks like” family stories that show you what these action steps look like in real-world situationsTransform good intentions into workable solutions and improved relationships. If you’re concerned about an aging parent’s health, wellbeing, or safety, you’ll find encouragement and direction for this next life stage in When Your Aging Parent Needs Help.
216 pages, Kindle Edition
Published February 11, 2021
104 people are currently reading
131 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews
February 27, 2021
Having spent decades as a caregiver for multiple people, I know the challenges that caregivers can face. For adult children, just the logistical part of helping older parents through their last years can feel overwhelming. Then there is the “what if they have dementia and if they do how do I handle it?” question. When your Aging Parent Needs Help: A geriatrician’s step-by-step guide to memory loss, resistance, safety worries, and more was written by Leslie Kernisan, MD, and well-known caregiving author Paula Spencer Scott. It's a resource that I wish I'd had years ago.
First off, a disclaimer: I moderate a paid caregiver community for the author, Dr. Lelsie Kernisan, that’s an offshoot of her website Better Health While Aging. This book is a separate project from Dr.Kernisan.
When Your Aging Parent Needs Help is broken down into parts that include: Taking Stock: Why we always start here, gathering key information; Taking Aim: A roadmap of what should happen next (even if it rarely works out this way); Taking Action: Putting together what you've learned, to plan and attempt the next step forward—and what to do when snags happen (They probably will); and Taking the long view: Brace for a marathon of ups and downs as you continue your efforts to help (almost always lasting longer than you expect).
Each of these parts contains chapters that will guide you step by step. It’s like having your own consultant on tap with the stroke of a few keys (ebook) or checking a page that you marked (paperback). The book also provides extra help with such bonuses as symptom checkers, checklists to take with you to doctor visits, downloadable worksheets, and downloadable cheat sheets. Since I love stories, I particularly enjoyed the “Smiths” and the “Jones” families as they put into practice what they’ve learned in each section.
My own work with Minding Our Elders requires me to stay on top of resources and I will state without any hesitation that I have yet to see such an accessible way for caregivers to obtain the guidance they will need as they take on caregiving. While the book is intended mostly for those who are just beginning their caregiving journey, if you find yourself puzzled, stuck, or frantic, it’s worth far more than $7.99 (Kindle) or $14.99 (print) just to obtain the downloadable material alone. For that sum, though, you get the whole package.
First off, a disclaimer: I moderate a paid caregiver community for the author, Dr. Lelsie Kernisan, that’s an offshoot of her website Better Health While Aging. This book is a separate project from Dr.Kernisan.
When Your Aging Parent Needs Help is broken down into parts that include: Taking Stock: Why we always start here, gathering key information; Taking Aim: A roadmap of what should happen next (even if it rarely works out this way); Taking Action: Putting together what you've learned, to plan and attempt the next step forward—and what to do when snags happen (They probably will); and Taking the long view: Brace for a marathon of ups and downs as you continue your efforts to help (almost always lasting longer than you expect).
Each of these parts contains chapters that will guide you step by step. It’s like having your own consultant on tap with the stroke of a few keys (ebook) or checking a page that you marked (paperback). The book also provides extra help with such bonuses as symptom checkers, checklists to take with you to doctor visits, downloadable worksheets, and downloadable cheat sheets. Since I love stories, I particularly enjoyed the “Smiths” and the “Jones” families as they put into practice what they’ve learned in each section.
My own work with Minding Our Elders requires me to stay on top of resources and I will state without any hesitation that I have yet to see such an accessible way for caregivers to obtain the guidance they will need as they take on caregiving. While the book is intended mostly for those who are just beginning their caregiving journey, if you find yourself puzzled, stuck, or frantic, it’s worth far more than $7.99 (Kindle) or $14.99 (print) just to obtain the downloadable material alone. For that sum, though, you get the whole package.
February 13, 2021
I am so excited to have found this book which offers a comprehensive and clear summary of how to assess your aging parents’ situation, and how to effectively communicate with and help them. In those moments when my brain screams “DO SOMETHING!” (as Dr. Kernisan so accurately identifies), it is easy to panic and react in a way that can heighten the tension with parents instead of calming the situation and helping them. Dr. Kernisan has offered a plethora of strategies and tips to help us navigate this difficult chapter with our parents.
One of the points that I found most helpful, was suggestions for the type of phrases and language to use during conversations with parents. Viewing the conversations as part of a process makes it easier to lower the emotional tension and keep the channels of communication open. For example, one of the phrases she suggests is to say, “We can research some options; let’s talk again after we have more information.” I said something like this to my parents when presenting the option of renting out their house for the summer to cover the cost of moving to a retirement/assisted living community. While we have not pursued that option yet, it opened the conversation instead of ending it at “We can’t afford to move to a retirement community, we’d probably have to sell the house.”
Another helpful point is the reminder to be open and to listen our parents’ concerns. And to recognize that their priorities are not the same as our priorities. I have especially found this to be true during the pandemic. Gen Xers like me have a different set of priorities and a different risk tolerance profile during the pandemic than baby boomers, and to really be open to our parents’ concerns and goals, we need to set aside our own filters and preferences. And remember to keep clear lines of communication with other people involved in your parents’ care. I have seen in my own life instances where children of aging parents disagreed amongst themselves because they could not set aside their own filters and preferences to focus on what their parents’ goals and concerns were. Effective communication is so important!
I also found the checklists to be extremely helpful. While there have been things I have worried about for my aging parents, I found it invaluable, for example, to know what symptoms to look for and identify as relevant concerns for a medical professional. The breakdown of activities of daily living (ADL’s) and instrumental activities of daily living (IADL’s) and how they reflect an individual’s cognitive function was immensely helpful, as was the list of “red flag” concerns that need to be addressed immediately.
Dr. Kernisan is clearly well versed in the ins and outs of geriatric care and the common legal and logistical issues that crop up. Although my parents signed power of attorney documents, I did not know that some types of power of attorney are triggered, and that they may require a doctor to evaluate an individual before they are triggered. I also found it interesting that if you do not have power of attorney but there is a concern about your parent not having capacity, that a doctor may be able to discuss your parent’s health issues with you.
I was so excited for this book to come out, and I will be sharing it with several friends and my sibling who are in similar situations of helping aging parents. The cheat sheets, linked external resources, and summary of how the legal and medical documents work together are incredibly helpful. I look forward to using the step-by-step process outlined in the book to address some concerns we have already identified.
If you are considering buying this book, I highly recommend that you purchase it. It is a small price to pay for expert advice on what can feel like a very isolating and incredibly challenging experience. At times it feels like the stakes could not possible be any higher when we feel so responsible for our aging parents’ safety and well-being. Dr. Kernisan is a compassionate voice of reason who has drawn from her expertise to help guide us through this complicated process while maintaining our relationship with our parents’ and our own well-being.
One of the points that I found most helpful, was suggestions for the type of phrases and language to use during conversations with parents. Viewing the conversations as part of a process makes it easier to lower the emotional tension and keep the channels of communication open. For example, one of the phrases she suggests is to say, “We can research some options; let’s talk again after we have more information.” I said something like this to my parents when presenting the option of renting out their house for the summer to cover the cost of moving to a retirement/assisted living community. While we have not pursued that option yet, it opened the conversation instead of ending it at “We can’t afford to move to a retirement community, we’d probably have to sell the house.”
Another helpful point is the reminder to be open and to listen our parents’ concerns. And to recognize that their priorities are not the same as our priorities. I have especially found this to be true during the pandemic. Gen Xers like me have a different set of priorities and a different risk tolerance profile during the pandemic than baby boomers, and to really be open to our parents’ concerns and goals, we need to set aside our own filters and preferences. And remember to keep clear lines of communication with other people involved in your parents’ care. I have seen in my own life instances where children of aging parents disagreed amongst themselves because they could not set aside their own filters and preferences to focus on what their parents’ goals and concerns were. Effective communication is so important!
I also found the checklists to be extremely helpful. While there have been things I have worried about for my aging parents, I found it invaluable, for example, to know what symptoms to look for and identify as relevant concerns for a medical professional. The breakdown of activities of daily living (ADL’s) and instrumental activities of daily living (IADL’s) and how they reflect an individual’s cognitive function was immensely helpful, as was the list of “red flag” concerns that need to be addressed immediately.
Dr. Kernisan is clearly well versed in the ins and outs of geriatric care and the common legal and logistical issues that crop up. Although my parents signed power of attorney documents, I did not know that some types of power of attorney are triggered, and that they may require a doctor to evaluate an individual before they are triggered. I also found it interesting that if you do not have power of attorney but there is a concern about your parent not having capacity, that a doctor may be able to discuss your parent’s health issues with you.
I was so excited for this book to come out, and I will be sharing it with several friends and my sibling who are in similar situations of helping aging parents. The cheat sheets, linked external resources, and summary of how the legal and medical documents work together are incredibly helpful. I look forward to using the step-by-step process outlined in the book to address some concerns we have already identified.
If you are considering buying this book, I highly recommend that you purchase it. It is a small price to pay for expert advice on what can feel like a very isolating and incredibly challenging experience. At times it feels like the stakes could not possible be any higher when we feel so responsible for our aging parents’ safety and well-being. Dr. Kernisan is a compassionate voice of reason who has drawn from her expertise to help guide us through this complicated process while maintaining our relationship with our parents’ and our own well-being.
February 13, 2021
"When Your Aging Parent Needs Help" has been a lifesaver for my husband and me. Recently it had become clear to us that his mom was going seriously downhill in her decision making and basic life skills. We had been responding to one crisis after another with financial tangles, medical problems and behaviors that we couldn’t understand. We suspected Alzheimers, as her sister is far along on that road, but it also seemed possible that these issues were normal aging and we should respect her independence since she violently rejected all help that we suggested. We were at our wit’s end.
This book was truly a step-by-step guide that saved our sanity and has helped us communicate with his mom in new ways. This whole book is a gem, and we have learned important information from each and every topic covered. It is short, easy to read, and the ideas are concrete and actionable. It is both a book to read and then a book to keep close at hand as a reference. The journey of helping an aging parent is constantly in flux, and developing the skills and understanding to manage different stages more effectively is what we got and continue to get from the book.
Prior to reading this book, we had read other books and articles on Alzheimers, looking for guidance. However most of the literature out there is aimed at families of people further along with Alzheimers. This early stage, where the cognitive decline is up and down, and the parent is not willing to accept the changes and support needed to live safely, can become a huge battleground, and that is the direction we were headed. This book has helped us de-stress and be both kinder and more effective as we help my mother-in-law.
The single most helpful part of this book, for us both, was the chapter on communicating. We read and re-read this chapter and have copies of the ‘cheatsheet’ (short summary) of this information at our dinner table. Where we used to sit at dinner and spin our wheels and blame his mom for being so unreasonable, we now use this amazing guide to figure out how we might better communicate with her to help her accept the support she so badly needs to be safe and more comfortable in her day-to-day life. As a result, we have helped her move to a new living situation where she is making friends and doing activities she loves. We have starting sharing all of her financial record keeping so that we can be ‘lifeguards’ for the mistakes and confusion she experiences in trying to do the things she used to do so easily.
Even though this maze of ‘parenting the parent’ is long and complex, we have started to get a foundation in place and have a much clearer path forward, thanks to the guidelines in the book that have helped us target key steps we need to take, as we are able. There is so much more in this book that has helped us, with both medical and legal questions. I recommend it to anyone who is struggling in their journey with helping an aging parent.
This book was truly a step-by-step guide that saved our sanity and has helped us communicate with his mom in new ways. This whole book is a gem, and we have learned important information from each and every topic covered. It is short, easy to read, and the ideas are concrete and actionable. It is both a book to read and then a book to keep close at hand as a reference. The journey of helping an aging parent is constantly in flux, and developing the skills and understanding to manage different stages more effectively is what we got and continue to get from the book.
Prior to reading this book, we had read other books and articles on Alzheimers, looking for guidance. However most of the literature out there is aimed at families of people further along with Alzheimers. This early stage, where the cognitive decline is up and down, and the parent is not willing to accept the changes and support needed to live safely, can become a huge battleground, and that is the direction we were headed. This book has helped us de-stress and be both kinder and more effective as we help my mother-in-law.
The single most helpful part of this book, for us both, was the chapter on communicating. We read and re-read this chapter and have copies of the ‘cheatsheet’ (short summary) of this information at our dinner table. Where we used to sit at dinner and spin our wheels and blame his mom for being so unreasonable, we now use this amazing guide to figure out how we might better communicate with her to help her accept the support she so badly needs to be safe and more comfortable in her day-to-day life. As a result, we have helped her move to a new living situation where she is making friends and doing activities she loves. We have starting sharing all of her financial record keeping so that we can be ‘lifeguards’ for the mistakes and confusion she experiences in trying to do the things she used to do so easily.
Even though this maze of ‘parenting the parent’ is long and complex, we have started to get a foundation in place and have a much clearer path forward, thanks to the guidelines in the book that have helped us target key steps we need to take, as we are able. There is so much more in this book that has helped us, with both medical and legal questions. I recommend it to anyone who is struggling in their journey with helping an aging parent.
February 15, 2021
This book is a great place to start learning about what may happen as your parent ages. If you’re already on the journey, like I am, it provides solid, actionable, steps to take next, as well as affirmation that what you’re doing is right and enough. After reading it, I wished I had it ten years ago, and am deeply grateful I have it now!
Process over Product.
This book clearly illustrates a process for what to do when your parent needs more help. Unlike some books that address a specific prescription for aging, or a story about one person’s experience with an elder, this book encompasses a slew of scenarios, and helps families develop a plan, no matter where they are on the journey.
It Takes a Village.
Beginning with how to prepare an unbiased assessment of the needs of an older person, there is encouragement to listen, and involve all the family, along with professionals, and allies such as neighbors and longtime friends. The advice on how to get siblings involved has made it possible for me to clearly ask my brother for what I need help with, and how to listen for his concerns. Reading this book has made me acknowledge the difference between what I would like to happen, and what mom wants. It helped me see the middle ground, and focus on what is really important. The suggestion to log behavior that is concerning has helped me see exactly how often, and what are the ‘red flags’ to keep track of. Before, I was catastrophizing about things that are not important. For instance, I’ve focused on the financial and medical records, and let go of worrying about what she is eating, and if her kitchen floor is clean.
Communication is key.
This book offers many examples of how to communicate with your parent, a critical skill in maintaining a good relationship. These suggestions also taught me how to talk with mom’s Doctor, and advocate for her. There are great examples of how to chat with concerned neighbors and friends who may have information regarding the health and safety of the elder. One really important lesson I learned is that if you notice concerning changes in an older neighbor, group member, or family friend, it is critical to say something in a respectful way. Both the elder, and their family need to know what is going on, especially if family are not close by.
This is an all around complete and concise, easy to follow guide for anyone who has an elder relative or friend they are concerned about and want to help. If you need lists for what to do, they're here. If you need examples of words to use, they're here. If you want to know you[re doing the right thing, the answer is here. And there's lots of important stuff you don't know you need too!
Process over Product.
This book clearly illustrates a process for what to do when your parent needs more help. Unlike some books that address a specific prescription for aging, or a story about one person’s experience with an elder, this book encompasses a slew of scenarios, and helps families develop a plan, no matter where they are on the journey.
It Takes a Village.
Beginning with how to prepare an unbiased assessment of the needs of an older person, there is encouragement to listen, and involve all the family, along with professionals, and allies such as neighbors and longtime friends. The advice on how to get siblings involved has made it possible for me to clearly ask my brother for what I need help with, and how to listen for his concerns. Reading this book has made me acknowledge the difference between what I would like to happen, and what mom wants. It helped me see the middle ground, and focus on what is really important. The suggestion to log behavior that is concerning has helped me see exactly how often, and what are the ‘red flags’ to keep track of. Before, I was catastrophizing about things that are not important. For instance, I’ve focused on the financial and medical records, and let go of worrying about what she is eating, and if her kitchen floor is clean.
Communication is key.
This book offers many examples of how to communicate with your parent, a critical skill in maintaining a good relationship. These suggestions also taught me how to talk with mom’s Doctor, and advocate for her. There are great examples of how to chat with concerned neighbors and friends who may have information regarding the health and safety of the elder. One really important lesson I learned is that if you notice concerning changes in an older neighbor, group member, or family friend, it is critical to say something in a respectful way. Both the elder, and their family need to know what is going on, especially if family are not close by.
This is an all around complete and concise, easy to follow guide for anyone who has an elder relative or friend they are concerned about and want to help. If you need lists for what to do, they're here. If you need examples of words to use, they're here. If you want to know you[re doing the right thing, the answer is here. And there's lots of important stuff you don't know you need too!
February 13, 2021
I purchased a pre-release copy of this book about a month ago and it has been my guide since then. I am a licensed IMFT but that didn’t prepare me for caring for my elderly (97) father for the last three years. This a well written guide about this stage of life, written in a manner that anyone can use and understand. There are clear worksheets that I’ve filled out again and again as I see the reality of the situation as it stands now. I realize that I have struggled to find the best ways to help my father maintain his autonomy and remain safe in his own house on three floors. After reading this book, I felt gratified that I’ve been doing a great job - but at my own expense. I now realize that I must show him more compassion, not try to convince him of the reality of his situation, listen more, and extricate myself from being his soul caregiver. This book has given me the guidance to achieve the balance I need to move ahead with the tough decisions ahead of me. I highly recommend this to anyone in a caregiving situation with an elderly parent. My husband is so glad I have this book.
February 13, 2021
The guide I’ve been looking for!
Looking for a book to guide you through the journey of helping your aging parent? You’ve just found it! As the child of elderly parents, I have struggled with knowing: how to help, who to contact, and what legal documents to in place. Dr. Kernisan shares her knowledge and years of experience to lay out concrete steps adult children can take, to approach aging parents who have begun to show signs of difficulty with daily living. I had my greatest ‘aha’ moment when reading about the multiple legal documents that must be put in place, and how much smoother things can be, while your parent is able to participate in the process. Dr. Kernisan makes a point to remind us all that: no one does this perfectly, we need to practice self care in the process, and we can help our parents age with dignity and grace.
I highly recommend this book, it has been life altering!
Annalia Aviza
Looking for a book to guide you through the journey of helping your aging parent? You’ve just found it! As the child of elderly parents, I have struggled with knowing: how to help, who to contact, and what legal documents to in place. Dr. Kernisan shares her knowledge and years of experience to lay out concrete steps adult children can take, to approach aging parents who have begun to show signs of difficulty with daily living. I had my greatest ‘aha’ moment when reading about the multiple legal documents that must be put in place, and how much smoother things can be, while your parent is able to participate in the process. Dr. Kernisan makes a point to remind us all that: no one does this perfectly, we need to practice self care in the process, and we can help our parents age with dignity and grace.
I highly recommend this book, it has been life altering!
Annalia Aviza
February 17, 2021
Dr. Kernisan has written an excellent guide book for so many of us navigating the waters of how to help our aging parents. There are realistic examples with which the reader can not only identify, but also use to help plot their own strategies for moving forward in a productive manner.
This book offers well-thought-out and well-documented processes and concrete steps for what could otherwise take months or even years for a family to reach on their own.
This book takes into account everything from dealing with one's parents as well as siblings, to doctors and other professionals - laying out a path that is respectful not only of all the players, but also of the differences from one family and their circumstances to the next.
I could not recommend this book more highly, a very valuable resource!
This book offers well-thought-out and well-documented processes and concrete steps for what could otherwise take months or even years for a family to reach on their own.
This book takes into account everything from dealing with one's parents as well as siblings, to doctors and other professionals - laying out a path that is respectful not only of all the players, but also of the differences from one family and their circumstances to the next.
I could not recommend this book more highly, a very valuable resource!
February 13, 2021
I have already implemented suggestions and ideas from several of the chapters. This is a book that will be pulled out as needed as my father's needs increase. It is resource with both medical and non-medical perspectives as well as how they are often are intwined. The chapters are not long yet packed with information. External resources are also referenced. The book has two scenarios that we follow, two likely examples that you follow from chapter to chapter. I related to the information, either I have gone through it, currently going through it or have friends and family that have cared for an older parent and experienced the challenges presented. Having a resource that can guide me is a wonderful tool for my toolbox!
February 20, 2021
This book offers excellent advice for families making decisions about the care of aging parents. Topics that are important to the health and safety of the parent are stressed. But, importantly, the need for communication, listening and the willingness to respect the parent's desires are opening discussed. Chapters 7 and 8 are a must read for any care giver facing isolation and burnout and the list of resources is a gold mine! Parts of the book are a little "wordy and repetitious" but the content is excellent.
April 5, 2021
I love the way that Dr. K. keeps reminding the reader that you can only do so much for your parents while still respecting their need for autonomy and independence. She gives you LOTS of resources at the back of the book as well as printable forms, check lists, questionnaires, etc. Worth the price of the ebook!
February 4, 2023
This is the book I wish I'd had years ago. It has so much practical advice for adult children who want to care for an aging parent. The authors also do a great job validating the experiences and stress of adult children, because this process is hard. I got this from the library but will be buying copies for myself and a family member.
February 7, 2023
I’ve read a few books on this subject over the past few years and this was the most straightforward, realistic, encouraging book loaded with useful tips that help put things into perspective. I want to buy a copy for my siblings and friends who are also newly navigating support for our aging parents.
September 14, 2024
The best all-in-one resource guide to get information regarding whatever challenging particular situation you find yourself in with your aging parent. I So wish I’d read it before my dad’s stroke; my dad and his wife were masking/covering one another; described in this book, and so difficult to deal with following his stroke. Amazing resource!
September 12, 2024
Extremely good advice. Filled with useful checklists. Great resources. The example stories were useful. I highly recommend this book to anyone with parents, or any family, that is aging and starting to experience issues with memory or decision making.
October 21, 2024
This book is so useful and so kind. There's a reminder on what feels like every other page that even paying attention and listening is progress. The "example" families were helpful, and I actually feel more calm now than I did before reading this book.
February 13, 2021
Excellent Resource
The book and Cheat Sheets have so much valuable information for families. Very readable and easy-to-use format. Sample letter to doctors of an aging parent a great tool.
The book and Cheat Sheets have so much valuable information for families. Very readable and easy-to-use format. Sample letter to doctors of an aging parent a great tool.
July 23, 2023
This was very easy to read, and felt like good concrete advice on a difficult subject.
December 31, 2023
Short but helpful. Will be following the research options suggested asap.
June 4, 2024
Practical and helpful.
July 1, 2024
Your job is not to make things perfect, not even better. Your job is to care and try your best. It's more out of moral obligation to help your parents.
August 20, 2025
Primary focus of book was on dementia Alzheimer’s
Could not download spreadsheets
Most of content was “common sense”
Could not download spreadsheets
Most of content was “common sense”
June 29, 2022
A step by step guide for family member caregivers! Read it before you need it!
Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews