Без обид. Как извиняться, чтобы прощали, даже если все безнадежно

by Molly Howes, Молли Хоус

Порой, чтобы получить прощение, одного "извини меня" не достаточно. Особенно, когда речь идет о серьезном проступке - предательстве или долгом игнорировании чувств и интересов близкого человека. Требуется особый подход, чтобы ликвидировать трещину в отношениях. Известный психотерапевт Молли Хоус разработала четырехступенчатую модель правильных извинений. В ее основу легли тридцать лет клинической практики автора книги, научные исследования и социальные эксперименты с участием самых разных людей: от топ-менеджеров крупных компаний до заключенных. Методика Молли Хоус не только объясняет, как нужно просить прощения, но и дает четкие рекомендации, что делать, чтобы вас действительно простили. Не продолжали бы лелеяять обиды, не вспоминали бы о ваших ошибках при каждом удобном случае, не отводили бы вам роль вечного должника, а позволили начать все с чистого листа.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Psychology, Audiobook

288 pages, Hardcover

Published December 18, 2020

Reviews

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Good Apology is a must read for anyone who wants to both understand themselves and improve their relationships with others. It is a deeply compassionate and exhaustively researched book that allows us to explore the concept of forgiveness and healing. Apologies, we learn, are not reflexive assertions of "I'm sorry" but involve listening, caring, openness and working to get it right. The author shows countless examples that help the reader see the pain of delayed apologies and unresolved conflict and offers us hope that our own can be healed.

The book offers examples of apologies that are large and small, ones that went well and others that landed with more of a thud, and resolution when both parties had given up on ever reconciling. This reader finished the book with such a sense of hope and optimism for what is possible and an awe of how humans have the capacity to forgive and ask for forgiveness. I have already used some of the techniques in the book and they were so very helpful.

I can't recommend this book highly enough.

[Emi Yoshida · Rating 4 out of 5]

Molly Howes is an excellent writer/researcher, and coming from one who doesn't generally enjoy the Self Help Genre, that really means a lot. I love the variety of apology examples presented here, from the historical to the global and contemporary, and also those the author has come across in her work as a therapist. The depth to which Howes gets into this subject is fascinating, the differences between guilt, shame, contrition, regret, and atonement and encompassing narratives from Restorative Justice programs and the ways individual white Americans can contribute to righting the wrongs of our racial past are strokes of brilliance. Included is a four-step guide to the apology process, with plenty of great examples of good ones to emulate and bad ones to avoid.

I requested this ARC before my marriage fell apart, and reading this in the midst of my own personal upheaval has been gut-wrenching, but I also have found it extremely productive. Along with great advice for making an effective apology that will benefit you and your victim and so many more, there is also plenty of helpful information to identify circumstances that are not conducive to attempting an apology. Like when he cheats on you after 18 years and two children, and then blames you for making him unhappy in his marriage.

[E. Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ms Howes, a highy skilled therapist, turns the question of how to make a good apology on all sides, to promote the compassion and accountabilty that can transform wrongs done by individuals, governments, the medical community and societal patterns, among the many discussed. In a deeply intelligent deep dive, we are coached with specific approaches and scripts through the patience, humility and courage it takes to transform hurts into stronger relationships.

[Ann MacDonald · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book you'll want to buy for yourself, and then for friends and family members. The author draws on her experience as a therapist to offer insight into why it's so hard to apologize and why we often get it so wrong. She offers a four-step model that leads to repair of relationships. Wise, witty, well written. You won't be disappointed.

[Strawny · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good book--lays out in plain English why apologies are necessary, how they should be done properly, and why our current patterns may be failing us. I especially liked the parts about how an apology without a future plan for changed behavior doesn't really amount to much. The book does a good job of identifying the excuses people make for not apologizing, and showing how it's defeatist to "stand your ground" instead of recognizing the hurt, empathizing, and finding a way back to good.

[Meg · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Good Apology is insightful, compassionate, wide-ranging, and extremely user-friendly. Molly Howes teaches us how to not only make amends, but how to make relationships stronger and more enriching. She combines stories drawn from her many years of practice as a therapist with distilled steps to take to be successful with her method. She helps us unravel knots that we thought were hopelessly tangled. Somehow she manages to simplify without losing nuance and complexity.
Molly expands the need for making good apologies on the personal level to treat the need for apology in a wider social and historical context, which is a very welcome perspective.
Buy this book for yourself, because you will read it and want to keep it on hand to help with challenging situations that are certain to come your way. Buy the book for your friends because you will want to share it with them. Reading A Good Apology is a great way to empower people to have richer relationships in a world they can make better.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should be required reading for all. Molly Howes's expertise on the subject matter, coupled with her accessible and engaging voice, make this book a must-read. Apologizing is a crucial part of healing old wounds, and yet the practical steps for making compassionate, effective apologies have eluded many of us - until now. Don't miss out on this intelligent, deeply important gem.

[Sara Orozco · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ms Howes's A Good Apology is such a great book. I just finished reading it and there is so much to love about this book, but here are my top three reasons:
(1) The realistic and vivid way she described her therapy session with clients. It’s evident that she cares deeply for her clients and is very good at asking great questions to get at the heart of their ruptured relationships.
(2) The actual practice scripts she provides at the end of several of her chapters – what a gift! The best part of Molly’s book is that you don’t have to wait until the end of the book to reconnect with the most important people in your life.
(3) Her thorough research. I have learned so much about the brain, human behavior, compassion, and how to value and repair relationships.

A Good Apology is a must-read for anyone who has ever experienced a relationship in need of repair.

[Kristen Paulson-Nguyen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book for anyone who wants a better friendship, marriage, or even relationship with themself. Everyone involved benefits from a good apology. In Part II of the book, Howes shows us the way, bringing a good apology to life with stories from those she's treated in her practice as a therapist, and others. As I read the book, a book to be slowly savored in rich bites, I found myself considering the repair of a relationship that had suffered recently. I took a small action that resulted in my first communication from the person in a year. This book gave me hope that more is possible in my personal relationship. It also gave me a fresh vision of a world where we all listen more, are less defensive, find compassion for others' experiences, and persist in working toward wholeness.

[Jacob Hudgins · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very important practice for conflict resolution and moral living. Emphasizes humility, empathy, and the need to seek to make amends for our missteps and sins.

The skeleton of this book is very good. Howes breaks apologies down into four steps. We were headed for 5 stars. Yet she often wanders into needlessly political examples and public apologies, which are very different from interpersonal ones (this is not acknowledged). She repeatedly quotes from advice columns and Internet blogs while still claiming authority as a therapist. And she tries to establish a sense of the “right thing to do” and what we “owe it to others and ourselves“ to do, without ever establishing any kind of moral criterion. It is possible that people can be hurt and offended by all kinds of things; does this mean I must apologize at all times? Why is there a moral warrant here?

[Carroll Sandel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Molly Howes, a seasoned psychologist, has developed a clear and extremely helpful four-step model to repair the emotional injury that often occurs in our relationships. Howes helps the reader understand why saying "I'm sorry" does not in and of itself heal the breach. For all of us who at times have struggled with how to repair a hurt we have caused, "A Good Apology" provides wise instruction. Buy this book for yourself and as a gift to others you care about in your life
.

[Evan Cranmer · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Good Apology is an easy read that forced me to think about relationships, connectivity, and harm at interpersonal and macro levels. I feel like anyone who reads this with genuine openness can gain new understandings or clarity about the fundamental, yet difficult, process of mending harm.

This can also be read easily in a day if you are a quick reader (unlike me)!

[DRugh · Rating 5 out of 5]

A helpful approach for improving deeper connections within relationships. Howes provides the reader with a deep understanding of the steps involved, especially the first: asking questions and listening.

[Allison Eaton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should read this!!

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

Essential reading for us all. Molly shows us how we can make things right.

[Charmin · Rating 4 out of 5]

HIGHLIGHTS:
1. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY:
- Take responsibility for the hurt.
- Unrepaired wounds don’t go away.
- Evading responsibility by denying the fact of your error.
- Recover hurts to get back into the game in the relationship.
- Continue to notice to learn.

2. RELATIONSHIP REPAIR:
- see our mistakes, how our actions impact others, make things right.
- Attend to counter-evidence: get past resistances.

3. RESTORE TRUST:
- Initiating conversation. Talk directly to the hurt person

4. EFFECTIVE APOLOGY:
- Courage and humility
- Requires vulnerability
- recognize the limitations to my ego.

5. BE ACCOUNTABLE:
- accounting of what happened
- Full discloser
- Holding myself accountable makes me more trustworthy.

6. MAKE A GENUINE APOLOGY:
- Lengthy explanations are too long.
- Don’t use “I’m sorry” unless it is an apology.
- Remove I’m sorry when giving condolences or habitual reflexive.
- Late apologies can still be helpful.

** Hurt people want their pain to be seen and cared about. **

7. WHAT NOT TO DO:
- Don’t say “I’m sorry BUT” or “I’m sorry IF” or “I’m sorry THAT”
- Vague apology is unacceptable.
- no rationalizations or justifications.

8. MAKE AMENDS:
- Get to the heart of the damage.
- setting the record straight straight in the eyes of other people. Correct injustice.
- What can be done to make it right?
- Makeup occasion to correct a misstep.

9. RESTITUTION:
- Restitution needs to fit the need of the harmed person. Ask.
- Restitution for those harmed downstream.
- I did not directly cause the injustice. I benefitted from the ancestor who caused the harm.
- Identify how not to repeat the same harm.
- Come back the table to keep facing what you need to keep facing.

*** People cannot move on when there is an incomplete apology. ***

10. Forgiveness is a learnable skill.
- Identify the roots of someone’s grievance.
- You don’t have to be wrong for them to be right.

[Susan Bailey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is book for everyone, for who among us can say we have never hurt another? Molly Howes brings years of experience as a therapist as well as her considerable skills as a writer to help readers understand not only why apologies are so important but why they are so difficult to navigate. Her book offers both research and concrete examples of how to deal with others and with one’s self with compassion. And to discard the easy and often meaningless, “I’m sorry” for a thoughtful, caring, and effective four step process. If this sounds like a typical “how to” book, think again. It is much more. By writing in depth about the various reasons we all at times avoid dealing with an act that has hurt someone, often in ways we did not anticipate, and guiding us toward an acceptance of our responsibility to acknowledge the effects of our actions, she sets the stage for the difficult, but rewarding journey toward reconciliation and renewed connections. My favorite line comes early in the book, “Love does not mean never having to say you’re sorry; love requires you to learn how to say you’re sorry well.” Molly Howes teaches us how.

[Sydney · Rating 4 out of 5]

Why does saying “I’m sorry” never work on it’s own?

Why do we see apologizing as sign of weakness?

How can we go beyond “i am sorry” to truly heal wounds, and most importantly, ourselves?

I felt this was an extremely practical and engaging book. Guided common sense, with some tips that come from being a counselor for so many years and see what works and what doesn’t.

I loved the bolded examples of what to say during each step. They truly stuck most with me and I am putting them away for later - in such sensitive situations, it’s so nice to know what to say. I also liked how she explained that you don’t need to take blame to apologize -something that has been troubling for me for years.

[Johanna Petrik · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hey okay these are great steps and I think the author does a great job explaining them, it’s just of my personal opinion that a lot of the conflicts mentioned between people in the book should in my opinion be the kinds of things someone shouldn’t accept an apology for. We’re talking opinions on human rights and infidelity etc. I fear if your partner has been cheating on you the entire relationship and then after getting caught being like omg I’m so sorry I feel so bad, that’s really sus and I just don’t think that’s forgivable in my opinion. I think they can grow from that mistake by themselves. Conclusion : they should still give the apology but it shouldn’t be expected for it to be accepted, but everyone should know how to apologize because you’ll definitely need it at some point.

[Shelby Meyerhoff · Rating 5 out of 5]

Readable and relatable. Dr. Howes gives practical advice on how to apologize well, but she goes beyond platitudes. She offers detailed case studies and fresh insights.

Apologizing is hard work, which Dr. Howes doesn't sugar coat. At the same time, she helps show us that change and healing are possible.

I think of this book often in my personal life, and it has changed the way I approach apologizing.

[Sebastian Stuart · Rating 5 out of 5]

For years, I hated to apologize. It felt like a sign of weakness. I learned in therapy that it is, in fact, a sign of strength. This illuminating, insightful, well-written book lays it all out in fascinating case studies. The writing style is down-to-earth and the book is prescriptive and actionable.

I can't recommend this book too highly. It's also the perfect gift for that recalcitrant, maybe too prideful, friend or family member. This book is a keeper.

[Priscilla Bourgoine · Rating 5 out of 5]

For over 38 years as a clinical social worker, I'm always on the lookout for a book to recommend to my clients. Dr. Molly Howes is definitely one of those books. Of course, we can all do better at being human. In addition to my own copy, this will be a book I gift to those near and dear to me. Thank you, Dr. Molly Howes, for such a readable how-to book about giving apologies that improve our relationships and ourselves.

[Rachel Croce · Rating 5 out of 5]

This could have been written with a lot less words, but the overall message and acute focus on important elements to reconciling or repairing relational damage is posed with well-thought.

Howes does a nice job considering current political issues and posing examples or suggestions on how more systemic wounds could be repaired (on a systemic level).

Overall, a great read with some basic steps that are easy to follow.

[Ramona · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is one I recommend for anyone who is human. Yes, everyone. Written in relatable and easy-to-follow language, A Good Apology lays out how and when to make amends, as well as when not to. I would think every counselor or therapist would buy a copy for their libraries in addition to anyone who’s interested in approaching one’s higher self. I can’t think of a single person who would not benefit from knowing how to properly apologize.

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book offered some solid advice on making a good apology and offered some real world examples as to how people have done that successfully, as well as some examples of how people didn't manage to quite stick the landing. Apologies are important for building and maintaining good relationships, and help people learn from their mistakes, grow, and heal wounds (both others' and their own). I learned quite a bit from this book that I'll try to apply to my apologies going forward.

[Karen Kirsten · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved how the author demonstrated the 'how' in her four step apology process with real life examples and suggestions. She backed up her recommendations with convincing data and research proving not only the benefits of apologizing, but also her process. The summaries at the end of each step are invaluable.
I wish everyone would read this book. The world would be a better place.

[Letecia · Rating 4 out of 5]

In Western Culture there is a deficit of Elders, listening to A Good Apology is like having elder wisdom spoken just for me. Howes is thoughtful and provides good examples to help one grasp new ways of thinking and skills that may ease the bumps that come with being human.

Ordering a hard copy for my library to sit next to How to be an Adult by David Richo.

Good Stuff!

[Carol Gray · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wise and beautiful book--essential reading for all of us. Through well-crafted prose and gripping examples, Dr. Howes teaches us how to make the kind of apology where everyone wins. A compulsively readable book, it offers wise, well-researched guidance that can heal rifts within couples, families, institutions, and even nations. I highly recommend it!

[Rebecca Rolland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great, clear-eyed and helpful guide to apologizing well! Molly has done amazing work making this sometimes touchy topic accessible and doable--and for laying out just how important good apologizing is. A book I will return to

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

A necessary read. The straight forward but gentle tone made this easy to enjoy.
I am already using what I learned from it in my own relationships. Because of this book I am left pensive , wondering how I can continue to improve as a person who has historically been terrified of conflict.