Olen upea, mutta en sinun mieliksesi

by Florence Given, Suvi Kauppila (Translator)

Supersuositun somevaikuttajan häpeämätön teos haastaa ahtaat sukupuolinormit ja ennen kaikkea sen, että naisen pitäisi näyttää tietynlaiselta oikeuttaakseen olemassaolonsa.

Miten luopua muiden miellyttämisestä ja kuunnella itseään? Miten lakata kritisoimasta muita naisia ja ryhtyä sen sijaan liittolaiseksi? Kuinka tunnistaa sisäistetty naisviha? Miksi kannattaa siivota somensa alemmuudentunnetta ruokkivasta kuonasta ja seurata sen sijaan eri värisiä ja kokoisia inspiroivia persoonia?

Kirjassaan Olen upea, mutta en sinun mieliksesi somevaikuttaja Florence Given kertoo räväkästi kasvustaan 2020-luvun feministi-ikoniksi. Given nostaa pöydälle nykyfeminismin tärkeimmät teemat kehorauhasta omien etuoikeuksien tiedostamiseen, slut shamingista naisvihan torjumiseen, sheivaamisesta kauneusstandardien hylkäämiseen. Värikkäästi kuvitettu ja vahvoja feministisiä sloganeita vilisevä teos ohjaa kohti elämää, jota miehinen katse ei määritä.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Self Help, Audiobook, Womens, Politics, LGBT

224 pages, Hardcover

First published June 11, 2020

About the author

Florence Given is a London based artist and writer.

In 2018, she launched a petition to cancel Netflix's controversial fat-shaming series 'Insatiable', it gained over 300,000 signatures in a matter of days. The story became global news and she appeared on many news networks across the US and UK, as well as being interviewed for various publications including Huffington Post and Grazia.

A London-based artist and writer, Florence addresses social issues with unique and playful illustrations. She grew up in Plymouth and attended London College of Fashion. Boasting over 193k followers on Instagram, her work confronts oppressive attitudes towards women and their bodies, and she uses her platform to raise awareness of issues surrounding sexuality, consent, race and gender.

Florence designed the merchandise for Rita Ora's Girls Tour in May 2018, curated her first exhibition 'Girls Interrupted, and designed a limited-edition t-shirt for the fashion brand WEEKDAY. Alongside the tee (which featured the slogan "WOMEN DON'T OWE YOU PRETTY"), the entire collection sold out in under an hour.

Reviews

[Shannon · Rating 2 out of 5]

see, if this had been written in 2012 as the stepping stone into feminism it’s advertised as, it would’ve been radical and saying some really interesting and good ideas. now it’s just tired, worn out examples of self love and assertion of self that everyone who isn’t a cishet man have been saying online for close to a decade. i got nothing new from this except her belief that if you shave your head you won’t get sexually harassed, which i’ll admit - is a new one.
also, if you’re arguing your views are radical, don’t place them in the very oppressive structures you’re trying to argue against. feminism doesn’t work under capitalism, period, even if your argument is for individual growth rather than collective efforts. there was nothing on targeting the oppressive structures themselves, only how you as the individual can make feminism work under the patriarchy/capitalism, which, in itself, isn’t radical or new.

[Olivia · Rating 1 out of 5]

If you’re impressed by an uninteresting white girl with a shag haircut monetising Instagram infographics and regurgitating a discourse that already happened on Tumblr in 2013 and passing it off as groundbreaking feminism, all with a self congratulatory undertone then this is the book for you.

[Toni · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5
'Women Don't Owe You Pretty' is advertised as an "accessible leap into feminism" and it is exactly that. I already know the majority of stuff Florence Given talks about here, but it was great to be reminded of certain things and be introduced to a couple of new ones that made me think. It's a fantastic book that's well written, easy to read and beautifully illustrated, but I definitely have some problems with it.

1. Florence spends far too much time talking about the male gaze. Yes, it's important and is basically the point of feminism. However, Florence is a bisexual woman, like myself, and I was disappointed to find that she doesn’t spare much thought for the female gaze. There was a brief mention of the "queer gaze" but she didn't really talk about what that enails/how exactly it differs from the male gaze. I think this could've been a valuable addition to the book, especially as it's constantly her being like "DON'T TAKE CRUMBS FROM MEN" (a valid notion).

2. She covers SO many different things, some more briefly than others, but she doesn't really talk about class. It's mentioned in passing towards the end of the book. Very suspicious, but not a massive flaw by any means.

3. The terms "gaslighting," "emotional manipulation" and "abuse" are thrown around throughout the book in a way that overuses and misuses them. I think she needs to be more mindful of how young and impressionable her audience is (Florence is only 21 herself) because these careless simplifications are everywhere. I think her book aims to cover complex realities, but she does stumble into some black and white ideas and also often presents her opinions as absolute facts (something she also does on Instagram).

[Alice Cunniffe · Rating 2 out of 5]

would have been beneficial for 16 year old me but felt a bit obvious and repetitive to 22 year old me

[Daria · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is pure hypocrisy. The whole concept is admittedly stolen from Chidera Eggerue, a Black woman, while the white woman profits. They used to have the same management. She talks about social injustice in the book, but reproduces it in real life. She talks about oppression of Black women, but oppresses a Black woman herself. No excuse, nothing. Instead of supporting this book, rather buy Chidera’s book “What A Time To Be Alone”

[Allison Sylviadotter · Rating 1 out of 5]

As a radical feminist this book is an absolute clusterfuck. Hypocrisy everywhere! She says one thing, then does another, then adds in a few meaningless buzz words to sound woke.

I'll add some specific examples later, but if you are a second-wave feminist, a radical feminist, or simply acknowledge women are oppressed due to our sex, this book will frustrate you beyond words. "Floss" writes like a 14 year old that had JUST discovered corporate/mainstream feminism, thinks it's revolutionary, and still hasn't seen she's consuming a carefully manufactured product still controlled by men, but in a less overt way...

Please read real feminist literature. Audre Lorde, Simone de Beauvoir, Angela Davis, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, bell hooks, Jessica Valenti, etc.

This book is not feminism, it's performative pseudofeminism. I wish I could get my money back.

[Dajana Kuban]

this book is a rip-off of an earlier book written by Chidera Eggerue called “What a Time to be Alone”. Please do yourself a favour and go to read the original instead. Do not support white people stealing the work of black creators.

[Lia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I struggled to finish this book but wanted to give it a fair chance.

Florence Given hits on a lot of important issues - yet I feel she never truly delves into the subjects she touches on. She somehow said a lot without saying very much at all?
The one point she made that I firmly disagreed on, is the opinion that Social Media can take the place of a formal education. It's true, formal education isn't for everyone. However, Instagram captions can't take the place of reading and digesting information in a more formalised way.
I think the reason I found myself disliking this book so much was that it felt like a collection of snappy Instagram captions. There was nothing for me to sink my teeth in, and I felt a distinct lack of references.

I don't think I'm the intended audience for this book, as I already hold views as radical as the ones Florence expresses here. Therefore, to me, they weren't particularly radical at all and didn't break any fresh ground. Considering I was reading A Room of One's Own by Virgina Woolf concurrently, this book had an uphill battle to impress me as a feminist text.

3 stars as I can imagine people finding this useful and radical, it's just not for me.

[Sheena · Rating 1 out of 5]

Florence Given says so many things without actually saying anything. To explain what I mean, it’s all fluff rather than delving into the deeper issues and offering solutions. I suppose that’s what happens when you a plagiarize a black women’s work though. This doesn’t offer anything new and the writing was boring. I had big expectations going into it because the title alone is so feminist and great. Once I started the book and realized I was bored and not learning anything, I looked up reviews and learned about the plagiarizing. Anyway I don’t recommend.

[Jo · Rating 2 out of 5]

If I had read this book maybe 20 years ago, I may have benefited from it, but as a woman in her thirties, I hate to say it Florence Given, but it has all been said before - only better.

The title of this book is great, and really very feminist, and I presumed the content would be just as good. Unfortunately, Given rarely offered any solutions for her claims, and I feel like things were sugar coated, instead of facing issues head on.

Nobody likes it when issues are deliberately avoided, like they are some kind of taboo. This is not the message to send out to people.

The content of this book was feminism, sure, but at it's weakest. The author didn't talk about anything new or groundbreaking here. Yes, I was nodding as I read chapters, but only because I've heard it all before.

Given is a repetitive writer, and she threw in many words, over and over which became pretty samey. I agreed with some points Given makes, but some are extremely questionable, especially when she considers herself to be a feminist.

For example: Given thinks we should cut people out of our lives who makes a mistake. We're human, we all make mistakes, and anyway, isn't that how we can learn and progress? She speaks in command style writing, too.

Don't get married!
Don't desire a partner!
Get rid of people that make mistakes!
Buy a vibrator and give yourself constant orgasms!

It sometimes felt like an aggressive tone, and almost like a person should feel guilty if she did want to get married, or want to have sex.

Oh, and don't talk to the author about men. It's blindingly obvious how she feels about those.

[Emma Kidd · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found some chapters of this book incredibly empowering and relatable but certain parts of it didn’t sit well with me. For me the chapters on marriage and dating seemed slightly patronising as someone in a long term relationship. I appreciate the sentiment behind them; realising your worth and not subjecting yourself to toxic relationships but the whole ‘dump him’ doesn’t sit well with me. Maybe that’s something I need to work on within my self? It’s a weird one because I definitely learnt some valuable lessons reading this book, it reaffirmed a lot of feelings for me and I LOVED a lot of the chapters but certain parts of it definitely felt supercilious to me.

[Emily B · Rating 2 out of 5]

I struggled with this one even though at first glance it seemed right up my street.

Firstly I didn’t like being called things like babe and hun throughout. It just grated on me. It was also repetitive at times and somewhat contradictory.

The author recommends weekly therapy and I agree but not everyone can afford this luxury.

[Bo · Rating 1 out of 5]

There is nothing in here that hasn’t already been said. I was hoping for more.

[Kirsten · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think I’m too old for this book to be honest, it didn’t teach me anything new however that’s not the reason I’m only giving it 3 stars, as I think it does have useful stuff in for younger people.
My main issues were
- the author only referenced about 5 statements in the whole book - unsure why this is but there were a lot more that in my opinion needed a source
- I found the chapters on relationships/marriage very patronising, the idea that you should never have to compromise in a long term co-habiting relationship seems a bit ridiculous to me
- I think the section on checking your privilege would have been far more useful at the start
-The author barely acknowledges her own class privilege at all. I assume, being 21 and able to work freelance/influencer/author that she must be fairly affluent, however she gives very little attention to this

[Elena Mayr · Rating 5 out of 5]

„Women Don‘t Owe You Pretty“ von Florence Given ist ein unfassbar lehrreiches und aufrüttelndes Buch, das von Selbstliebe („you are the love of your own life“) und Feminismus handelt („you owe men nothing“). Das Lesen hat mich enorm in meinem eigenen Denken weitergebracht, ich kann es jedem nur ans Herz legen, auch wenn man sich mal an der eigenen Nase packen und Fehler eingestehen muss. Ich habe wahnsinnig viel über mich und die (teils sehr toxische) Gesellschaft gelernt, was mir extrem die Augen geöffnet hat.
Selten habe ich in einem Buch so oft zum Textmarker gegriffen.
Die Inhalte sind immens wichtig, auch wenn sie manchmal unbequem sind.
Absolute Herzensempfehlung!

[Julezreads]

Das Buch beinhaltet einige wichtige und empowernde Aussagen, die ich echt super fand. Ich habe mir Textstellen markiert und das Lesen des Buchs hat mir definitiv etwas gegeben. Schade finde ich jedoch, dass Florence Given sich auf einige feministische Theorien (zb die Gender-Theorie von Judith Butler) bezieht, ohne anzugeben, worauf (oder auf wen) ihre Aussagen basieren. Besonders im Zusammenhang mit den Plagiatsvorwürfen, die zusätzlich um dieses Buch kursieren, sehe ich das kritisch. Daher finde ich die Aussagen an sich sehr wichtig, aber eben nicht originell - schwierig zu bewerten😅

[greta · Rating 5 out of 5]

just finished reading an ebook of this and i feel like every single person needs to read this at least once in their lives. this was such a powerful and important read. i highly highly recommend reading this xx

[Oyinda · Rating 1 out of 5]

Update (Jan 2021)
After discovering that this author lifted and plagiarized the work of Chidera Eggerue (theslumflower), i am taking my review down from a 4 to a 1.

To be clear, I also don't support Chidera, as she's also been accused of stealing work and experiences from sex workers, so I don't recommend reading her books either.





.....



I know I say this for a lot of the books I read, but this is a VERY IMPORTANT book. Florence Given explores a lot of themes from feminism and patriarchy to the gender binary and sexuality. In this book, she also discusses relationships and red flags, loving yourself and being enough, and also checking yourself.

My review and words will hardly be enough to do this book justice, so I advice that you pick this up and read for yourself to understand how good it is. Content and trigger warnings for sexual harassment and rape. I really love that she put a content warning before every chapter that delved into these issues.

I really enjoyed this one. I love reading books and essay collections about feminism. At first, I thought this book was just another repackaged book with the same words I've heard and read over and over again, but the author adds her unique perspective to this one in the form of the issues she talks on. She checks a lot of privilege in this book and I think it's important for everyone to read this book!

The title essay, Women Don't Owe You Pretty, is one of the main themes over the book, and she discusses, time and again, the pressure and effects of fitting to the male gaze. I enjoyed her narration so so much!

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

A nice self-affirming read with great artwork, but this isn’t a book that you’ll learn anything new from unless you’re brand new to feminism and/or quite young. There are a few topics that are discussed with very little nuance and some words are flung around in a way that verges on lazy at times, like ‘emotional abuse’. My only other gripe is that some chapters are really short - one is 2 pages long if you don’t include the artwork.

[Izzy Cole · Rating 5 out of 5]

I rly rly rly wish 16 year old me could’ve read this !

[Arna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is well written and engaging, so important for a non fiction! This wasn’t groundbreaking for me, but I can definitely see it being useful for the targeted audience.

I did like the part about boundaries. I feel young women especially can be a little passive when it comes to standing up for what you want. I also found a lot of useful information the check your privilege section.

[Claire Williamson · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has torn me. It is sold as an introduction to feminism for the instagram generation which I would agree with, and obviously empowering young women is always a positive thing. I loved the beginning talking about “not accepting crumbs, you deserve the whole cake” and felt like this was going to be a new favourite. Also the whole self-love vibe is completely up my street.
However. Florence is only 20, and this shows in some ways. Her statement that following more diverse people on Instagram is worth more your time than going to university was coming from someone who has probably never been to university, and could be harmful to young people’s prospects if followed. She makes assumptions about hetero relationships when she acknowledges she has only been in one. That women are expected to do the housework, because she was expected to in her one relationship, and that women are always expected to purchase contraception. Both of these came across as something she has decided is correct for all hetero couples because of her experience; instead of including research she might have done to support her arguments or even her friends experiences being included.
On the whole, a definite positive reading experience, and would recommend to someone constantly in toxic relationships and not looking out for their own best interests. But would hesitate to buy for a young impressionable person.

[Maja - BibliophiliaDK ✨ · Rating 2 out of 5]

MAYBE I WOULD HAVE ENJOYED THIS IF I HAD BEEN NEW TO FEMINISM 🤷‍♀️🤔

But as it is, I am not - so I didn't enjoy this one bit. It just felt like an amalgamation of other feminist theories interspersed with 'feminist' self help tips. Nothing new or useful for me, but perhaps that's because I have spent years educating myself in this regard? Maybe, if I knew nothing about feminism, this would have appealed to me more? But as it is, that was not the case.

👎 What I Disliked 👎

Unoriginal: This was just one big soup of everything slightly feminist. It really didn't bring anything new to the table. It drew on different theories, self-help tips and sayings. I think it was meant to be inspirational and eye opening - and it might have been. If I hadn't read all of this somewhere else (and better written at that, too).

Self-help: Honestly, this felt, most of all, like a self-help book. Meant to help you realise your full potential. Not a bad aim, sure. Just not what I wanted at all from this book. And it was not what I needed either, so it just didn't hit me in any profound way.

Repetitive: There were just too few points that were re-worded and repeated time and time again throughout this book. It felt like reading the same mantra over and over.

ARC provided by the publisher through NetGalley in exchange for an honest review

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[Mon · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was going to give this a 3 but on reflection I’m so annoyed that it’s a 1, hun.
Side note, unless you are Paige from Degrassi the next generation do NOT call me hun.

I just feel like things in this frustrated me, I didn’t even really read the last 20 pages.
I liked the sections on accountability and the notion of ‘don’t settle for crumbs’ but that was it.
Nothing else stuck with me. I cannot recall anything else from this book that cost me thirty bloody dollars. If you’re going to read this, go to the library.

Reading some of the reviews, I agree with the line of thought that this book is sort of a little too late to the party. If it had been written around 2013, the time of bad feminist and everyday sexism, I could have perhaps gotten behind its fun and colourful energy.
But 2021 Monica was not here for it.
I think Florence has a lot to give and has great potential but ‘women don’t owe you pretty’...it’s a no from me.

[Bryce Rocks My Socks · Rating 4 out of 5]

This will be the bedtime story I read to my children every night

*future children are sitting cross-legged in front of me as I show them the pictures*

“ch. 11, kids, love sex, hate sexism and never fake an orgasm”

[Marion · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ready to re-read immediately and deface it with a highlighter.

[Maja · Rating 1 out of 5]

Actually surprised I didn’t just stop reading but still stuck it out?? This book was a lot, literally a lot, since I felt like it tried to cover everything which made it extremely surface level with a few pages on one topic and then a few pages on another topic, rushing through a number of topics, neither of which were delved into very deeply.

However, I guess I wasn’t the target audience anyway and it might be more directed to young teens but I still probably wouldn’t suggest this. The way she writes is almost as if she expects her readers to know nothing and be very ignorant and naive and she writes in a way like she just learnt about all these things and as if she’s paving the way for all of her readers. In a way it reminds me of when I did Sociology 1A as my third subject in second year and it felt like the lecturers were all did you guys know?? that poor people?? aren’t poor bc individual choices?? oh wow wild isn’t it?? And it just felt way too entry-level and basic.

Finally, one of the chapters was talking about self-love and I felt like that was a recurring theme, and in this case it might’ve been more a focus on loving yourself and not loving your body but it made me think of the discussion about empowerment and love your body instead of hating it which I’m not really the biggest fan of. And I’m not saying that you should hate your body but rather instead have a more neutral/indifferent relationship to it, since it’s just a body and it is the way it is and why spend so much energy and time hating or loving it?

Ok this turned into a very long review/rant. Conclusion: not a fan.

[Jessi ❤️ H. Vojsk [if villain, why hot?] · Rating 5 out of 5]

That was an exceptional read.
I loved it, I really did.
It had so many important topics in it (feminism, check your privilege, LGBTQ+, misogyny etc etc etc)
And the way she wrote made it so relatable (at least for me).
Also: the art was amazing!

Definitely a recommendation. ✨

[Shelby (catching up on 2025 reviews) · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was fantastic! As an almost-40-year-old feminist, nothing in this book was mind-blowing or life-changing (to me). But there were some REALLY good reminders here. In addition to the obvious, Given also touches on a lot of really important topics, like race, gender, sexuality, disability, and privilege. And I was actually pleasantly surprised by the intersectionality of this book. It's a well-rounded overview and very accessible for readers, regardless of where they're at on their feminist journey.

I listened to the audiobook in just over two hours (it's a very short book - just 193 pages). It is narrated by the author and very well done. Highly recommend! 💕

[CM · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think this book covers a lot of very great ideas and concepts however, I don't personally think that it was great for me at this time in my life; I could see it being more useful for a teenager or young adult.

I found the tone of the book to be very young, it was extremely black and white with no shades of grey at all and it was pretty judgemental with basically zero room for understanding or imperfections. Do not do this, do not think like that, if you are this than you are not ready for that. I personally think that the book would be a bit better if it was more idea based and less this is the way you should be. I think everyone is an individual and needs to look inside themselves and see what is missing or making them unhappy, as what is needed or true for one person may not be for another.

It spent a lot of time talking about the fact that if someone can't accept you for who you are, just cut them out of your life but also talked a lot about the fact that if the people in your life are not willing to be the exact person you think they should be, then you should cut them out of your life as well. We need to love ourselves but we also need to remeber that the people we love are not perfect and are human as well. We shouldn't let people hurt us but we also need to be forgiving. It's not just black and white. A pretty basic example was a statement saying that if someone is always late they don't care about you at all and you need to cut them out of your life now. I don't agree with this. I have an amazing friend who is chronically late for everything. It drives me insane as I am the exact opposite and am literally never late but I also know she loves me very much and it is just who she is. Organization is just not a top skill or priority for her, it is who she is and I accept that. This is just one small example but the book is full of set rules like that. It was also very heavily focused on dating so I didn't really relate with a lot of it.

Unfortunately, this book was not for me.

I received a copy of this book through Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.