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Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before and After You Marry
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, created by relationship experts Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, is a comprehensive marriage program designed specifically for today’s couples by a couple. And now, in this updated edition, the Parrotts’ award-winning approach has been expanded to incorporate ten more years of feedback, research, and professional experience. This is more than a book—it’s practically a self-guided premarital counseling course, and it is used by counselors and churches across the country and, now in ten languages, worldwide. Questions at the end of every chapter help you explore each topic personally. Companion men’s and women’s workbooks* full of self-tests and exercises help you apply what you learn and enjoy intimate discussions along the way. There is even a seven-session DVD kit (with a bonus session for people entering a second marriage) available that you can use on your own or with other couples in a group or a class that want to grow together. In this dynamic DVD you’ll not only hear entertaining and insightful teaching from The Parrotts, but you’ll also meet other real-life couples who provide amazing candor and perspective. Relationship experts Les and Leslie Parrott show you the secrets to building a marriage that lasts. • Uncover the most important misbeliefs of marriage • Learn how to communicate with instant understanding • Discover the secret to reducing and resolving conflict • Master the skills of money management • Get your sex life off to a great start • Understand the three essential ingredients to lasting love • Discover the importance of becoming “soul mates” … and more. Make your marriage everything it is meant to be. Save your marriage—before (and after) it starts.
162 pages, Hardcover
First published May 2, 1995
737 people are currently reading
3333 people want to read
About the author
Les Parrott III
151 books133 followers#1 New York Times best-selling authors, Les and Leslie. A husband-and-wife team who not only share the same name, but the same passion for helping others build healthy relationships. In 1991, the Parrotts founded the Center for Relationship Development on the campus of Seattle Pacific University - a groundbreaking program dedicated to teaching the basics of good relationships.
Married in 1984, the Parrotts bring real-life examples to their speaking platform. Their professional training - Leslie as a marriage and family therapist, and Les as a clinical psychologist - ensures a presentation that is grounded, insightful and cutting-edge.
The Parrotts are New York Times #1 Best Selling Authors. Their books include the award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Love Talk, Real Relationships, The Parent You Want to Be, The Hour That Matters Most and Crazy Good Sex.
Each year Les and Leslie speak in over 40 cities. Their audiences include a wide array of venues, from churches to Fortune 500 company board rooms. Their books have sold over two million copies in more than two dozen languages.
The Parrotts have been guests on many national TV and radio programs such as CNN, Good Morning America, CBS This Morning, The View with Barbara Walters, NBC Nightly News, and Oprah. Their work has been featured in USA Today and The New York Times.
Visit their website for lots of free resources at www.LesandLeslie.com
Married in 1984, the Parrotts bring real-life examples to their speaking platform. Their professional training - Leslie as a marriage and family therapist, and Les as a clinical psychologist - ensures a presentation that is grounded, insightful and cutting-edge.
The Parrotts are New York Times #1 Best Selling Authors. Their books include the award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Love Talk, Real Relationships, The Parent You Want to Be, The Hour That Matters Most and Crazy Good Sex.
Each year Les and Leslie speak in over 40 cities. Their audiences include a wide array of venues, from churches to Fortune 500 company board rooms. Their books have sold over two million copies in more than two dozen languages.
The Parrotts have been guests on many national TV and radio programs such as CNN, Good Morning America, CBS This Morning, The View with Barbara Walters, NBC Nightly News, and Oprah. Their work has been featured in USA Today and The New York Times.
Visit their website for lots of free resources at www.LesandLeslie.com
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 248 reviews
February 14, 2016
Full of disproven theories on relationships and gender roles, stereotypical advice - the only good advice in the book is based on the research by John Gottmann, and for that I suggest you read his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Furthermore the book is full of Christian religiosity, I would've skipped it had I known - oh, and it's one big sales pitch to buy more of their products.
*I received an advanced reader's copy from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review*
*I received an advanced reader's copy from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review*
August 30, 2012
When Marcie and I got married, this was the book (along with the corresponding workbooks) that our pastor used for pre-marital counseling. Ever since I started doing pre-marital counseling, it’s the book that I’ve used, as well. I am finishing up another round of pre-marital counseling this week, and thus I’ve re-read to book again.
The Parrotts (husband and wife writing team) work through several vital questions that, I can say with some experience, are indeed important questions for setting a marriage on a healthy course. The chapters addressing each question are full of very practical illustrations and examples, and also are chock-full of advice and direction on how to handle the particular matters at hand in a healthy way. The book itself has a useful set of discussion questions at the end of each chapter, and then there are also breaks throughout the chapters pointing the reader to complete a correlated exercise in the workbook. In all, the material is very practical and straightforward to use.
On top of that, there is a leader’s guide and a DVD available, so it could easily be adapted for small group use, and obviously I’ve found it works well in the context of pre-marital counseling also. All in all, I commend Les and Leslie Parrott for writing and assembling a strong battery of materials for helping marriages get off to the best start possible.
Most of the examples and illustrations in the book are personal ones from the writers’ own experiences, which is fine and even brings a sense of vulnerability to the book. Frequently, though, the way these are presented — or at times other parts of the material — is a little corny, and were it not for the disarming nature of their writing style might feel even condescending. Also, while it seems clear from a handful of markers that the writers are Christians, it also seems clear that their editors wanted to produce a set of materials that would sell on a broader market; consequently, there are a lot of missed opportunities when it comes to presenting solid, biblical truths that correspond to the points they are making.
Indeed, the books’ persistent erring on the side of the practical and universal keeps me from simply loving it/them as my pre-marital counseling curriculum. It seems like every other time I do pre-marital counseling, I look around for something better, but I haven’t found it yet. I would love to assign TWO books, including this one and one of several others (each of which tackles the more deeply spiritual and theological side of this topic well, but miss the more practical aspects that the Parrotts do so well); alas, it usually feels like asking too much to request that an engaged couple do even one.
I do like these books for what they are; my rating is, in part, a reflection of my frustration about pre-marital counseling materials in general.
The Parrotts (husband and wife writing team) work through several vital questions that, I can say with some experience, are indeed important questions for setting a marriage on a healthy course. The chapters addressing each question are full of very practical illustrations and examples, and also are chock-full of advice and direction on how to handle the particular matters at hand in a healthy way. The book itself has a useful set of discussion questions at the end of each chapter, and then there are also breaks throughout the chapters pointing the reader to complete a correlated exercise in the workbook. In all, the material is very practical and straightforward to use.
On top of that, there is a leader’s guide and a DVD available, so it could easily be adapted for small group use, and obviously I’ve found it works well in the context of pre-marital counseling also. All in all, I commend Les and Leslie Parrott for writing and assembling a strong battery of materials for helping marriages get off to the best start possible.
Most of the examples and illustrations in the book are personal ones from the writers’ own experiences, which is fine and even brings a sense of vulnerability to the book. Frequently, though, the way these are presented — or at times other parts of the material — is a little corny, and were it not for the disarming nature of their writing style might feel even condescending. Also, while it seems clear from a handful of markers that the writers are Christians, it also seems clear that their editors wanted to produce a set of materials that would sell on a broader market; consequently, there are a lot of missed opportunities when it comes to presenting solid, biblical truths that correspond to the points they are making.
Indeed, the books’ persistent erring on the side of the practical and universal keeps me from simply loving it/them as my pre-marital counseling curriculum. It seems like every other time I do pre-marital counseling, I look around for something better, but I haven’t found it yet. I would love to assign TWO books, including this one and one of several others (each of which tackles the more deeply spiritual and theological side of this topic well, but miss the more practical aspects that the Parrotts do so well); alas, it usually feels like asking too much to request that an engaged couple do even one.
I do like these books for what they are; my rating is, in part, a reflection of my frustration about pre-marital counseling materials in general.
September 5, 2017
Great book! Short, easy to read, and full of helpful advice. I recommend!
Favorite Quotes
Intimacy has a "best friend"or "soul mate" quality about it.
Commitment says, "I love you because you are you, not because of what you do or how I feel."
"Okay. So I am willing to admit that my romance with a perfect partner is an illusion. However, I am still fascinated with the mystery of who you are, and I am willing to pursue romance with you and journey together toward a more mature love."
Passion can only survive and thrive if the couple continues to "date" even after they marry.
"When a man makes a promise, Meg, he puts himself into his own hands, like water. And if he opens his fingers to let it out, he need not hope to find himself again." As human beings, we create and define ourselves through commitments, and those commitments become an integral part of our identity. When we contradict our commitments, we lose ourselves and suffer an identity crisis. ... so much so that to break it is to break who you are.
You have decided to embrace your partner in spite of bad breath, blemishes, quirky behaviors, and weird inclinations. That is the stuff of personal warmth - overlooking a blemish for the sake of the beauty behind it.
When your partner feels sure that she can never be condemned by you for who she is, that no judgement can hurt her, God's grace has seeped into the fabric of your relationship - stopping the subtle and unhealthy marital pattern of your partner continually casting about for your approval.
Men have a tough time realizing that offering a listening ear is all a woman needs at times - or a comforting hug, a loving statement like "You are hurting, aren't you?" or "You are under a lot of pressure, aren't you?" Listening to your wife talk without offering quick solutions is the only way to meet her need to be known.
Conflict is natural in intimate relationships. Once this is understood, conflict no longer represents a crisis but an opportunity for growth.
Happy couples may disagree vehemently, but they don't shut their partners out.
Marriage, when it is healthy, has a mystical way of revealing God; a way of bringing a smiling peace to our restless hearts.
But if in your sojourn together you tend the soul - through worship, service, and prayer - you will make it through the storms of marriage unscathed.
Favorite Quotes
Intimacy has a "best friend"or "soul mate" quality about it.
Commitment says, "I love you because you are you, not because of what you do or how I feel."
"Okay. So I am willing to admit that my romance with a perfect partner is an illusion. However, I am still fascinated with the mystery of who you are, and I am willing to pursue romance with you and journey together toward a more mature love."
Passion can only survive and thrive if the couple continues to "date" even after they marry.
"When a man makes a promise, Meg, he puts himself into his own hands, like water. And if he opens his fingers to let it out, he need not hope to find himself again." As human beings, we create and define ourselves through commitments, and those commitments become an integral part of our identity. When we contradict our commitments, we lose ourselves and suffer an identity crisis. ... so much so that to break it is to break who you are.
You have decided to embrace your partner in spite of bad breath, blemishes, quirky behaviors, and weird inclinations. That is the stuff of personal warmth - overlooking a blemish for the sake of the beauty behind it.
When your partner feels sure that she can never be condemned by you for who she is, that no judgement can hurt her, God's grace has seeped into the fabric of your relationship - stopping the subtle and unhealthy marital pattern of your partner continually casting about for your approval.
Men have a tough time realizing that offering a listening ear is all a woman needs at times - or a comforting hug, a loving statement like "You are hurting, aren't you?" or "You are under a lot of pressure, aren't you?" Listening to your wife talk without offering quick solutions is the only way to meet her need to be known.
Conflict is natural in intimate relationships. Once this is understood, conflict no longer represents a crisis but an opportunity for growth.
Happy couples may disagree vehemently, but they don't shut their partners out.
Marriage, when it is healthy, has a mystical way of revealing God; a way of bringing a smiling peace to our restless hearts.
But if in your sojourn together you tend the soul - through worship, service, and prayer - you will make it through the storms of marriage unscathed.
Read
June 16, 2013While I admit books about marriage are not my normal reading material(I've been happily married for 52 years), I happened to see this title cited in an article,and it peaked my interest. I found it insightful, refreshing, and a good quick read. It was interesting see the authors' ability to distill many of the challenges encountered by any marriage into short practical chapters. I purchased my book used, and therefore do not have the accompanying workbook. I think anyone contemplating marriage, or those already married will find useful information between the covers of this small book. Chapters on facing the myths of marriage with honesty, developing the habit of happiness, "Can You Say What You Mean and Understand What you Hear," fighting a good fight, and becoming true soul mates were especially helpful.
Since I have not read many recently published books on this topic, I cannot evaluate the Parrotts' book on a scale of one to ten by comparison. However, I did appreciate their book, and gained reenforcement for my own lessons learned and personal observations collected over a lifetime. It would have been helpful to have read it before I said "I do," but somehow we managed to stay the course, ever growing in love and devotion.
I would readily recommend "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts."
Since I have not read many recently published books on this topic, I cannot evaluate the Parrotts' book on a scale of one to ten by comparison. However, I did appreciate their book, and gained reenforcement for my own lessons learned and personal observations collected over a lifetime. It would have been helpful to have read it before I said "I do," but somehow we managed to stay the course, ever growing in love and devotion.
I would readily recommend "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts."
June 13, 2011
Actually not that bad. It even had interesting parts in it. "As strange as it may sound, there is a strong link in marriage between prayer and sex. For one thing, frequency of prayer is a more powerful predictor of marital satisfaction than frequency of sexual intimacy. But get this: Married couples who pray together are 90% more likely to report higher satisfaction with their sex life than couples who do not pray together." Interesting enough, but my favorite bit was, "That doesn't sound quite right, does it? After all, married churchgoers are painted by the media as prudes who think sex is dirty. Well, let the media say what they want, but prayerful couples know better." How's that for a gripping piece of random trivia?
November 30, 2011
Ah, mandatory marriage reading! I wasn't especially thrilled with the title of the book, so I didn't come to this with the most open of minds. There were helpful parts in the Parrotts examination of marriage and its obstacles, but in the end I felt it was too driven by the culture for a book from a Christian perspective. Statistics that say that partners who pray together have better sex lives seem like a bizarre encouragement to walk together on the spiritual journey. I'm also not a big fan of defining gender as concretely as this book and others do, although I do not dismiss its importance. The final chapter of the book gives some intriguing thoughts on the concept of forgiveness - I wish we could have started the book with this!
February 19, 2021
Splendid book with a lot of examples. Love that they emphasize the most important thing, the key for every great and different marriage is the spiritual time that the couple dedicates together. Couples that pray together stay together. That's the key.
July 29, 2018
My pastor recommended this to my fiance and me to read before our wedding. We dutifully skimmed the chapters and read the questions to each other.
We liked that the book had specific advice. It didn't just say, "Be nice to each other." It gives communication strategies, questions to ask each other when we're frustrated, a conflict intensity scale, and gender thought differences to work through.
We didn't like most of the stories chosen. Or, that is to say, the stories of young couples were great at showing off how immature and short-sighted people can be. Yet, both my fiance and I kept responding with, "They just need to get over themselves." These stories were good to show us how grown up the two of us are (well, we are in our upper twenties) and made us appreciate each other for that. At the same time, it made this book feel like it was aimed at 20-year-olds. Which is fine, just not completely relevant to us.
The last chapter was our least favorite. It was where the authors tried to pull in Christianity but seemed to tack it on as a new strategy. "Seek meaning in your marriage together by being spiritual and going to church together." Um, excuse me? That is NOT what Christianity is about! It's not about attaining some level of spirituality or always going to church. It's about seeking and serving the Lord. The community portion is secondary. "Being spiritual" isn't even a part of this. We both felt like the authors were trying to not offend non-believers but then failed to make the point they really should have made. Something like,
Your marriage isn't about you and your spouse and having fun times; it's about seeking and serving the Lord to glorify Him with your marriage.
God created marriage, and it's a symbol of His love for the Church and the Church's honor for God. How can two Christian authors miss the main point? Yes, we did a lot of skimming, but we still looked at every page.
We liked that the book had specific advice. It didn't just say, "Be nice to each other." It gives communication strategies, questions to ask each other when we're frustrated, a conflict intensity scale, and gender thought differences to work through.
We didn't like most of the stories chosen. Or, that is to say, the stories of young couples were great at showing off how immature and short-sighted people can be. Yet, both my fiance and I kept responding with, "They just need to get over themselves." These stories were good to show us how grown up the two of us are (well, we are in our upper twenties) and made us appreciate each other for that. At the same time, it made this book feel like it was aimed at 20-year-olds. Which is fine, just not completely relevant to us.
The last chapter was our least favorite. It was where the authors tried to pull in Christianity but seemed to tack it on as a new strategy. "Seek meaning in your marriage together by being spiritual and going to church together." Um, excuse me? That is NOT what Christianity is about! It's not about attaining some level of spirituality or always going to church. It's about seeking and serving the Lord. The community portion is secondary. "Being spiritual" isn't even a part of this. We both felt like the authors were trying to not offend non-believers but then failed to make the point they really should have made. Something like,
Your marriage isn't about you and your spouse and having fun times; it's about seeking and serving the Lord to glorify Him with your marriage.
God created marriage, and it's a symbol of His love for the Church and the Church's honor for God. How can two Christian authors miss the main point? Yes, we did a lot of skimming, but we still looked at every page.
August 4, 2021
Read the audiobook version of this book with my fiancé. I thought all of the questions were really good to ponder on and think about. Honestly even got me feeling convicted in certain areas that I could be better in. It’s definitely one of those books that you read each question a day and talk about at the end with your partner. We didn’t use the workbooks or do the SYMBIS assessment with the book, so those were parts we didn’t care to listen to too much. I really liked how they saved the best for last on the importance of spiritual intimacy. I can see why they saved it as the last question, but I don’t think it would’ve hurt to have it earlier in the book. But regardless, I think the spiritual intimacy sets the foundation to any relationship and it helps answer the previous six questions even better.
August 20, 2020
My fiance and I are doing premarital counseling and were instructed to read this. It's cheesy, outdated, and very religious-based. (I knew it wasn't really intended for us when it said that couples who are already living together before marriage should consult their minister.) They also try to hawk their other books and workbooks throughout the entire book. Giving it two stars only because I found the chapter on fighting to be valuable.
November 6, 2022
The Leslies have taught me indeed how to save my marriage before it starts. In this book, I've gotten to learn how to take things seriously I previously considered to be trivial. It has also inspired me to invest more in my relationship if I want it to survive the storms of life. I recommend it to anyone in a relationship, especially young marrieds.
November 24, 2024
Surprisingly still relevant despite being older text and written by a Christian couple - and I'm not Christian!
April 21, 2020
Newly divorced, I’m going to be reading up on a lot of stuff that I need to work on so I don’t end up jumping into another relationship only to have similar problems. This was really good, and it sold me on the idea of premarital counseling. I knocked a star off because it requires you to buy workbooks (his and hers) to really get anything out of the book...which annoyed me a lot. Oh, not to mention online assessments $$ and hiring a counselor that specializes in their specific type of counseling. But, I think that once everything is purchased and worked through, there’s a gold mine of value in there. Which is why I gave it 4 stars. Another thing I loved about it—but I bring it up because other readers might not love it so much—is that it is a Christian book and the topic comes up a lot. There’s even an entire section on the importance of faith and covenants in marriage, and making sure you’re on the same page with (or at least clearly communicate) beliefs, etc. before you get married. Even if you’re not Christian, you can read the chapter loosely, as in talking about spiritual beliefs in general. I definitely think it’s important to have that conversation no matter what you believe.
December 31, 2017
This book was like looking fondly over old homework from when you were little; nothing you didn't expect to be there, but little bits that make you smile again.
For me, one of those little bits was the style of using stories from people that the authors had met with. It drove points home more quickly (sometimes, even before the point was made. Again, it wasn't anything vastly novel). It was actually the stories that got my attention first (I was browsing the book as part of a project I had been working on).
The other little bit was that it was short.
For me, one of those little bits was the style of using stories from people that the authors had met with. It drove points home more quickly (sometimes, even before the point was made. Again, it wasn't anything vastly novel). It was actually the stories that got my attention first (I was browsing the book as part of a project I had been working on).
The other little bit was that it was short.
September 27, 2024
Wow. This book is incredible! I would recommend this book to anyone who is engaged or been married for years. I’d also recommend the couple to read the book together as well as the workbook. It will help you put these skills to use. The authors have very practical tips for ways to make your marriage long-lasting and satisfying all with a biblical worldview. I will definitely have to go through this again!
September 12, 2024
Not my absolute favorite marriage book but pretty solid. Good things to think about and consider but not overwhelming or pessimistic. I'm glad we're going to be talking through a lot of these things in our premarital counseling even though we've skimmed them already.
February 15, 2026
Awesome book! Loved going through this with our pastor and his wife during pre-marriage counseling. Started lots of great conversations and had many key topics that I think couples should discuss before they get married. So excited to marry you, Taylor!
December 24, 2019
Recommend for everyone who is getting married
April 28, 2024
i learned a lot i am happy i read it :)
February 21, 2025
Went through this book with a couple for premarital counseling and I enjoyed it! Great concepts to think through!
August 18, 2025
Such a good read. You can never invest too much into your marriage and this book provided refreshing, different perspectives. Highly recommend!
January 23, 2023
It has definitely helped me see things in a new way.
July 27, 2025
“And the two will become one flesh.”
Ephesians 5:31
Ephesians 5:31
December 1, 2021
Read this for my job as a premarital pastor. Overall this is good content. I thought it lacked spiritually, especially for being written by Christian counselors, but it was decent.
November 8, 2015
I read about 30% of the book and then decided that information was hardly seeping inside me. Plus I felt I'm not clear on what exactly are the questions either (even though they are the topic headings).
In between I felt that there were some theoretical things like "start your relationship with a boost of passion in order to sustain it through the later years of your relationship". To illustrate this there is an example of an airplane that takes off uses 80% of its fuel during the take-off and the rest is to cruise through the journey. I don't really get it. How do I put in that much of passion?
Then there is the suggestion to determine which is your love style currently. Either increase your commitment, passion or ... (there is one more factor which I'm forgetting). So these 3 things should be in balance. You can assess which one is more or less and then try to increase/decrease them so that they are in balance.
There are other parts of the book which are good where the author gives examples / case studies to illustrate his point. But I still felt like I'm missing the point somehow.
In between I felt that there were some theoretical things like "start your relationship with a boost of passion in order to sustain it through the later years of your relationship". To illustrate this there is an example of an airplane that takes off uses 80% of its fuel during the take-off and the rest is to cruise through the journey. I don't really get it. How do I put in that much of passion?
Then there is the suggestion to determine which is your love style currently. Either increase your commitment, passion or ... (there is one more factor which I'm forgetting). So these 3 things should be in balance. You can assess which one is more or less and then try to increase/decrease them so that they are in balance.
There are other parts of the book which are good where the author gives examples / case studies to illustrate his point. But I still felt like I'm missing the point somehow.
January 27, 2022
This book is very dumb. My husband and I were required to read it for marriage counseling, and mocking it brought us closer. At one point, the authors unironically compare fighting over home decor to the the experience of surviving Dachau. I couldn't believe the level of ignorance and privilege that seeps from every page. This book was obviously written by people who have never truly experienced hardship, and have no understanding of what trauma and hardship are like.
Our pastor is nothing like them, and was able to give us good advice coming from a place of empathy. Don't give the spoiled grifters who wrote this trash your money. Instead, talk to an older married person you admire and feel safe being honest around. Or even read a memoir by someone who is being honest and vulnerable in their writing. Not this.
Our pastor is nothing like them, and was able to give us good advice coming from a place of empathy. Don't give the spoiled grifters who wrote this trash your money. Instead, talk to an older married person you admire and feel safe being honest around. Or even read a memoir by someone who is being honest and vulnerable in their writing. Not this.
February 21, 2025
This is a predominately faith based martial book, even if you are not religious it has several topics that one can benefit from learning about. They tackle several marriage myths and cover a range of relationships in a shorter audible.
Don’t let the audible time fool you, it is packed!
My main complaint is the advertising, say it once and then move on. This could have been a 5 start if you guys did add in all the stuff you trying to sell in every chapter.
Most people prepare more for the wedding than they do at the actual marriage, this book dives into several topics on ways that one can better prepare for a lasting marriage or how to help the current struggles you might be facing in your marriage.
These are my main takeaways and the notes I took while listening:
40% of newlywed couples start having marriage doubts right after the wedding.
There are his/her workbooks that you can purchase why you read or listen along if you want.
There is an online “symbis” assessment that you can take online if you want to learn more about yourself and give more relevance to each section talked about.
Talk about your “unspoken” expectations and rules.
Some Examples:
How the holiday will go
What being on time looks like
Driving Habits
where to keep the butter (counter or fridge)
This leads to deeper conversations about what expectations each person has for the other in their marriage. A lot of this will have to do with the family dynamics that you grew up with.
Examples: The cleaner, The caretaker, the money maker, etc.
Trauma that isn’t addressed before the marriage, will follow you into it. Marriage can help heal certain trauma over long periods of time and patience.
Opposites attract = looking for someone to complete them
This can lead to a “mesh marriage” or a “disengaged relationship” where couples try and use the other or stay to themselves to try and make themselves whole.
Wholeness is found in interdependence
Relationships:
A frame = dependent (need each other to grow and can’t without each other)
H frame = independent (9grow on their own without much connection to each other)
M frame = interdependent (stand on your own but choose to be and grow together) ** this is what we aim for
Do we know what love it?
Triangle theory of love = passion, intimacy, and commitment
Cohabitation effect = in a broad sense living together before marriage
Women see living together as a step towards marriage
Men can use it to stall marriage
Living together beforehand can cause more confusion in the relationship, there is a theory that this is part of the reason why people who live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate
The passionate love that starts a marriage is not one that can sustain a marriage
Change and Marriage go hand and had, the marriage must change in order to grow (Redefine Love)
The “loss of passion” is one of the biggest complains after marriage = Practice meaningful touch, shower with compliments
What are your expectations for sex and romance?
Every thriving marriage is founded in passion, intimacy, and commitment.
Develop the right attitude no matter what circumstances you’re in, aka make happiness a habit
Communication can boo or be the dead wait of your relationship
A big part of relationships is how well you say and receive information
A couple’s ability to communicate can be the single biggest factor in the success of a marriage
It is important to learn how to talk so your partner will listen and how to listen so your partner will talk
Try not to: placate, blame, computing, or district
^ These stem from a place of insecurity, stress, hurt or frustration
For good communication you need to except your partner as they are, know that they are not the same as you and communicate differently
Be genuine:
Nonverbal communication 58%, tone 35% and what you say is 7% of the actual message being received
Empathy – see the world from your partners perspective (sympathetic and analytical)
6 basic skills for communication
1. Make I statements not you statements (try not to attack when angry)
2. Practice reflective reasoning
3. Understand and accept the differences between men and women
4. Apologize when necessary
5. Power down and get offline
6. Communicate through tough
Women share feelings and men solve problems.
Bridging the gender gap.
Show respect and give autonomy.
What do most couples fight about? = Money
4 Disastrous ways to respond to an argument
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stone walling
Conflicts can happen if you get closer to someone, but if you learn to fight fairly it can help the relationship flourish.
When a fight is happening ask your partner or make sure to define what each person is fighting about.
- What is the fight about
- State feelings clearly ( I feel)
- Avoid the “you always or you never”
- XYZ Formula “in situation x and you y is makes me feel z”
What can help
- Show appreciation
- Show affection
- No put downs
- Give them your full attention
- Take on topic
The importance is not how the agreement starts but how you leave or exist it
Worship together
- Couples that go to church even once a month have an increase in the likeliness of their marriage lasting
Happiest couples are those that pray together this can increase intimacy and you sex life, crazy I know
It can rejuvenate your relationship and your feelings
Don’t let the audible time fool you, it is packed!
My main complaint is the advertising, say it once and then move on. This could have been a 5 start if you guys did add in all the stuff you trying to sell in every chapter.
Most people prepare more for the wedding than they do at the actual marriage, this book dives into several topics on ways that one can better prepare for a lasting marriage or how to help the current struggles you might be facing in your marriage.
These are my main takeaways and the notes I took while listening:
40% of newlywed couples start having marriage doubts right after the wedding.
There are his/her workbooks that you can purchase why you read or listen along if you want.
There is an online “symbis” assessment that you can take online if you want to learn more about yourself and give more relevance to each section talked about.
Talk about your “unspoken” expectations and rules.
Some Examples:
How the holiday will go
What being on time looks like
Driving Habits
where to keep the butter (counter or fridge)
This leads to deeper conversations about what expectations each person has for the other in their marriage. A lot of this will have to do with the family dynamics that you grew up with.
Examples: The cleaner, The caretaker, the money maker, etc.
Trauma that isn’t addressed before the marriage, will follow you into it. Marriage can help heal certain trauma over long periods of time and patience.
Opposites attract = looking for someone to complete them
This can lead to a “mesh marriage” or a “disengaged relationship” where couples try and use the other or stay to themselves to try and make themselves whole.
Wholeness is found in interdependence
Relationships:
A frame = dependent (need each other to grow and can’t without each other)
H frame = independent (9grow on their own without much connection to each other)
M frame = interdependent (stand on your own but choose to be and grow together) ** this is what we aim for
Do we know what love it?
Triangle theory of love = passion, intimacy, and commitment
Cohabitation effect = in a broad sense living together before marriage
Women see living together as a step towards marriage
Men can use it to stall marriage
Living together beforehand can cause more confusion in the relationship, there is a theory that this is part of the reason why people who live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate
The passionate love that starts a marriage is not one that can sustain a marriage
Change and Marriage go hand and had, the marriage must change in order to grow (Redefine Love)
The “loss of passion” is one of the biggest complains after marriage = Practice meaningful touch, shower with compliments
What are your expectations for sex and romance?
Every thriving marriage is founded in passion, intimacy, and commitment.
Develop the right attitude no matter what circumstances you’re in, aka make happiness a habit
Communication can boo or be the dead wait of your relationship
A big part of relationships is how well you say and receive information
A couple’s ability to communicate can be the single biggest factor in the success of a marriage
It is important to learn how to talk so your partner will listen and how to listen so your partner will talk
Try not to: placate, blame, computing, or district
^ These stem from a place of insecurity, stress, hurt or frustration
For good communication you need to except your partner as they are, know that they are not the same as you and communicate differently
Be genuine:
Nonverbal communication 58%, tone 35% and what you say is 7% of the actual message being received
Empathy – see the world from your partners perspective (sympathetic and analytical)
6 basic skills for communication
1. Make I statements not you statements (try not to attack when angry)
2. Practice reflective reasoning
3. Understand and accept the differences between men and women
4. Apologize when necessary
5. Power down and get offline
6. Communicate through tough
Women share feelings and men solve problems.
Bridging the gender gap.
Show respect and give autonomy.
What do most couples fight about? = Money
4 Disastrous ways to respond to an argument
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stone walling
Conflicts can happen if you get closer to someone, but if you learn to fight fairly it can help the relationship flourish.
When a fight is happening ask your partner or make sure to define what each person is fighting about.
- What is the fight about
- State feelings clearly ( I feel)
- Avoid the “you always or you never”
- XYZ Formula “in situation x and you y is makes me feel z”
What can help
- Show appreciation
- Show affection
- No put downs
- Give them your full attention
- Take on topic
The importance is not how the agreement starts but how you leave or exist it
Worship together
- Couples that go to church even once a month have an increase in the likeliness of their marriage lasting
Happiest couples are those that pray together this can increase intimacy and you sex life, crazy I know
It can rejuvenate your relationship and your feelings
March 4, 2009
Every couple considering getting married or recently married should check out this book. Maybe a bit cheesy in places, especially if you're not into getting outside help. However, gave us such a head start on issues and areas we wouldn't have even known to address before we got married. Thumbs up.
February 12, 2020
I really liked the ideas of this book but you have to have the workbook. I think it would be nice if they published a version where you don't have the workbook. I checked this out from the library and I do plan on getting the workbook, I think they should make it so you can read it, do the workbook, or both.
March 25, 2008
Again, I read this book for Marriage Prep, and I think I want to be sure my future wife reads it before we tie the knot. It's important to at least think about these things before you do something you're going to regret.
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