Why We Get Mad: How to Use Your Anger for Positive Change

by Ryan Martin

This is THE book on anger, the first book to explain exactly why we get mad, what anger really is - and how to cope with and use it. Often confused with hostility and violence, anger is fundamentally different from these aggressive behaviours and in fact can be a healthy and powerful force in our lives.

What is anger? Who is allowed to be angry? How can we manage our anger? How can we use it? It might seem like a day doesn't go by without some troubling explosion of anger, whether we're shouting at the kids, or the TV, or the driver ahead who's slowing us down. In this book, the first of its kind, Dr. Ryan Martin draws on 20 years plus of research, as well as his own childhood experience of an angry parent, to take an all-round view on this often-challenging emotion. It explains exactly what anger is, why we get angry, how our anger hurts us as well as those around us, and how we can manage our anger and even channel it into positive change. It also explores how race and gender shape society's perceptions of who is allowed to get angry.

Dr. Martin offers questionnaires, emotion logs, control techniques and many other tools to help readers understand better what pushes their buttons and what to do with angry feelings when they arise. It shows how to differentiate good anger from bad anger, and reframe anger from being a necessarily problematic experience in our lives to being a fuel that energizes us to solve problems, release our creativity and confront injustice.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology

216 pages, Paperback

First published January 12, 2021

Reviews

[Lobna · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book title has two parts: why we get mad and how to use anger. The book delivered on the first part. It illustrates why we get mad, and has a nice anger diagraming framework to analysis our own anger. The book, however, largely ignores"justified anger" i.e., anger that we feel as a result to misjustice befalling us or because we actually have been violated in a way or another. The author reflects on these points briefly in the last chapters but very briefly. He mainly posits that type of anger as a tool for positive change, which it can be, but it hardly discusses how to let or how to cope with feeling that much wronged but having nothing to fight back with. some strategies are mentioned but I don't see that the book was useful, as it has been hyped and as I hoped it was, on the "using anger" front. I think what you get out of this book depends on the type of anger you are dealing with. If you are dealing with anger as a response to "normal life situations" then it definetly helps in managing that type of anger by explaining to you why you get angry and awareness is the first step to healing. But if you are dealing with something more traumatic or systematic, then I personally, humbly don't think this is the book for that

[Jake Kurtz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful AND entertaining!

[Mary Schreiner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you, Dr. Martin. WHY WE GET MAD “How to Use your Anger for Positive Change” helped me perceive Anger and all my negative emotions more positively. I’m in my 60’s, and, up until the spring of 2022, anger was never a huge issue for me. After struggling with anger for over a year, your book has helped me more than mindfulness exercises, Yoga, a very good therapist, and yes, I even tried medication for a few months because my anger was turning me into a negative person. At times, I did not like myself.

It was a footnote in your Intro that planted a seed. You questioned how Behaviorists have defined love as “an activity directed upon a stimulus…” This superficial, narrow definition of Love pushed me to reexamine my own stereotyped, narrow definition of Anger. Your profound, clear, and simple definition of anger as “the feeling state that arises…when…goals [are] blocked or when we experience an injustice” has been posted on my whiteboard as a helpful reminder to myself.

Your book reveals how anger has been given a bad reputation because “people have such a difficult time differentiating it from violence, they fail to recognize that it is truly just a feeling state much like sadness.” We all have experienced anger. However, if channeled responsibly, we can use anger for good. (Yes, good! You did read that correctly.) This may sound strange to many people, but, after reading your book, I have begun to embrace my anger.

I also loved your practical activities. Even in my 60’s, your “four step process to better understand the core values and beliefs [I held] that [drove my] anger" has changed the way I perceive my future. Next step, turning all your insights into action. Your book is a must read for EVERYONE.

[Elisabeta Mocanu · Rating 4 out of 5]

After reading this book, I definitely have a deeper understanding of anger. There are some great ideas in there. I especially enjoyed the author's balanced approach : anger can be healthy and constructive if channeled the right way, and just accepting situations as they come it's not always a good idea . The only reason I didn't give it 5 stars is because the editing feels ...almost unfinished. It can get repetitive and some parts feel all over the place. It's a bit like a "rough around the edges" gem!

[Elizabeth]

As heard on Depresh Mode with John Moe - Anger: Let’s Talk About It, Learn About It, Not Fear It, Use It For Good

Anger can be a scary topic for a lot of people. It usually doesn’t feel good when you’re experiencing it and it can be associated with behaviors that are very frightening indeed. But Dr. Ryan Martin, who is one of the few academics specializing in anger and who has written two books about it, says anger is a normal and even beneficial emotion to experience. It’s your body’s way of indicating that some injustice has been done, either to you or someone else. And that’s good information to have. He says that if we can listen to anger for what it’s telling us about ourselves and our surroundings, without throwing punches, it can lead to a more balanced and thoughtful life and, in the end, a more peaceful life. He also shares why so-called rage rooms are not really good for your anger at all (it’s kind of like drinking in a bar to address your alcoholism) and how he’s taught his own kids to own their anger and process it.

Thank you to all our listeners who support the show as monthly members of Maximum Fun.

Check out our I’m Glad You’re Here and Depresh Mode merchandise at the brand new merch website MaxFunStore.com!

Hey, remember, you’re part of Depresh Mode and we want to hear what you want to hear about. What guests and issues would you like to have covered in a future episode? Write us at depreshmode@maximumfun.org.

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Help is available right away.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988 or 1-800-273-8255, 1-800-273-TALK

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International suicide hotline numbers available here: https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

https://afp-9384.calisto.simplecastau...

[Tsugumi · Rating 5 out of 5]

What is anger, how to deal with it effectively, and what are good strategies?

❶ Understanding Anger and Its Perception
Recognize that feeling anger is not inherently bad; it's a normal part of being human. Anger is like fuel – it evaporates easily, and if not replenished, it will eventually dissipate. Understanding its nature allows one to recognize that time can help resolve it.

Anger comes in various expressions, and there isn't a single correct way to express it. Moreover, expression methods vary based on gender and ethnicity. Additionally, people receive and interpret anger differently.

Types of Anger:
- Generalization: "They always mess up; I'm always like this."
- Excessive demands: "I should be treated this way."
- Causal misconception: "That person must dislike me for doing this."
- Catastrophic thinking (exaggerating): "This event is the worst in my life; today is the worst day."
- Over-labeling: Labeling someone as incompetent based on one mistake and continuing to treat them that way.

❷ Not Letting Anger Disrupt Communication
1. Decide what to say in advance, especially when you want something, rather than speaking impulsively.
2. Express feelings by saying, "I felt this way," instead of using accusatory "You" statements, which can escalate aggression.
3. Stay on topic; avoid shifting the focus, preventing the discussion from turning into a point-scoring game.

❸ Expressing Anger Effectively
Catharsis (releasing emotions for pleasure) does not work well for anger. Rage rooms, which gained temporary popularity, are psychologically ineffective. Suppressing anger is also undesirable. Instead, it's recommended to express anger in a calm manner and positively address it.

Examples:
1. Identify the issue causing anger, recognize it, and seek solutions.
2. Transform anger into art.
3. Use it for self-assertion.
4. Seek help.
5. Contribute to resolving anger through donations or volunteer work.

[natalie · Rating 5 out of 5]

TLDR: This book is interesting, well-written, empowering, and relevant for every person who feels human emotion.

There aren’t many books I would describe as “life-changing,” but this is assuredly one of them.

Why We Get Mad: How to Use Your Anger for Positive Change is a non-fiction by Ryan Martin surrounding why we feel anger, what anger truly is, and how to harness anger as a tool for pro social change. While I don’t usually enjoy “self-help,” I’d put this book next to Brené Brown in it’s compelling and impressive balance of explaining comprehensive research findings in a framework ripe with captivating storytelling.

Here are some concepts that may seem rudimentary but are actually quite revolutionary in their application in my life:

- Anger is not equal to aggression or violence
- Anger is not inherently unhealthy or inherently harmful
- Anger is as regular an emotion as happiness, sadness, or fear. There are times when feeling anger is the right response to a situation
- Anger helps us to recognize what is important to us and when something important to us is being threatened
- Anger is an umbrella that includes frustration, self-directed anger, etc.

I am already planning when I will be rereading this treasure of a book.

BRB recommending this book to everyone I know.

[Mary Ann · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book delivers on the first half of the title. Dr. Martin capably unpacks why we get mad by exploring various studies, relating and explaining examples, including his personal examples. There are many eye-opening moments in the book, primarily relating to the various studies. For example, a study on aggressive drivers revealing how drivers demonstrated appreciably more aggression when there was a handgun in the car is downright scary as well as insightful. Another surprising example which Dr. Martin mentions numerous times is the absence of anger in the DSM-5, the handbook for mental health professionals. While the book provides insights and is nicely constructed as a self-help guide with prompts to help self-identify and manage anger, I felt the book did not fulfill the promise of the second half of the title—how to use your anger for positive change. The final third of the book starts to address this, however, Martin falls back into diagnosing anger rather than promoting pragmatic actions to channel or deflect anger. I can see why Dr. Martin is a TED-talk and talk-show favorite as he directs the content to the layperson, includes self-deprecating humor (although I found this distracting), and generally keeps the rather somber topic easy to process.

[Milena Siermińska · Rating 4 out of 5]

❓Dlaczego się wściekamy ❓

📚To zarówno moje pytanie do Was, jak i tytuł poradnika pióra Ryan'a Martin'a. Autor w swojej publikacji stara się przedstawić, że złość jest naturalną emocją, którą możemy wykorzystać w lepszych celach.

📚Jestem osobą impulsywną, więc podeszłam do tego poradnika odrobinę sceptycznie...bo niby jak bycie wściekłym ma w czymkolwiek pomóc? Otóż jak to mówi stare porzekadło "chcieć to móc". A żeby móc, to trzeba najpierw zrozumieć.

"Nie musisz bać się złości. Możesz ją zrozumieć, oswoić i wykorzystać na swoją korzyść."

📚"Dlaczego się wściekamy? Jak uczynić złość swoim sprzymierzeńcem" dzieli się na dwie części: teorię i praktykę. Sam poradnik składa się z dwunastu rozdziałów, z których czytelnik kolejno dowiaduje się czym jest złość, a mianowicie odkrywa to pojęcie od podstaw aż po uwarunkowania biologiczne i konsekwencje działań. Ta publikacja to nie tylko suchy wywód autora, ale również niezwykle trafne historie "z życia wzięte" oraz ćwiczenia pomagające opanować złość.

📚Poradnik polecam wszystkim, którzy odrobinę za bardzo się denerwują i chcą to zmienić oraz dla tych, którzy chcą uzdrowić swoje relacje.

[Reader · Rating 2 out of 5]

I find this book very unhelpful, both for understanding anger and learning to control it.

The topic is very interesting and the beggining is good, explaining factors that cause anger to be triggered.

But after that, it is filled with personal stories that don't bring any value to the topic. Yes, they are about someone being angry. But not very important contribution to understanding anger. That is 95% of the books content.

There are also A LOT of studies mentioned, also useless. For example, studies showing anger and stress are bad for health, long term.
I feel like author only mentions studies to show us thst he reads/does them.

A lot of repetition of the same points too.

No actual steps to help control ones anger, expect a few that are common sense, like don't be nervous or hungry if that is going to make you angry.

Very disappointing.

[Czytoryjki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ta książka nie jest zwykłym poradnikiem. Oczywiście, znajdziemy tu jakieś sposoby na radzenie sobie ze złością. Po każdym rozdziale autor umieścił również ćwiczenia. Jest to jednak książka, która ma nam pomóc zrozumieć to uczucie. Okazuje się, że nie jest ono zerojedynkowe. Złość bowiem można przekształcić w siłę. Może stać się naszym motorem napędowym do zmian. Nie zawsze musi niszczyć relacje, wręcz przeciwnie, może je budować. Ważne, aby nie dopuścić tego uczucia do eksplozji.

Jest to książka, która skłania do refleksji. Pokazuje, że emocje, nawet te trudne, mogą być paliwem do działania. Nauka samego siebie jest bardzo ważna. Świadomość własnych emocji to źródło siły i motywacji. Zamiast się biczować - działaj. “Dlaczego się wściekamy” to prosta i jednocześnie dogłębna analiza uczucia jakim jest złość. Polecam Wam tę książkę.

Współpraca barterowa z Wydawnictwem Bellona.

[ErikaShmerika Wine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Three stars seemed too low, because I did enjoy reading this, and I found a lot of good take-aways here. The author writes colloquially and with humor, and is able to point out when the info he presents may be problematic and offer rationale or alternative interpretations, (which is something haven’t encountered much in the self-help books I’ve been reading lately). My biggest problem with the book ultimately, is that it didn’t give me anything new in the way of coping mechanisms (relaxation, meditation, self-evaluation…all the old standards) and as far as the subtitle ‘how to use your anger for positive change’, it’s literally this: when you get angry, find ways that you can use that anger to fuel positive change, like donating money to a social cause.

[Liina-Riste Pappel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would give it 3,5 stars. It's a nice introduction to the topic of anger, but it's not a must read or "The Anger Book" that gives a complete overview of the topic.

It's good that the book deals with a lot of different topics related to anger, brings in some studies and gives practical tips. However, half of the book is just personal stories that don't add much to the topic and most of the studies are not really related to the topic. For five stars, this book should be more thorough, more scientific and co-authored with a therapist who could give a proper overview of how to manage different forms of anger.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love exploring emotions and how to handle them in a healthy way. This book offered some different perspectives and I really enjoyed hearing about his research. The big takeaway was that ignoring anger and suppressing isn’t healthy, but expressing it with rage (even if it’s not harming anyone) isn’t helpful either. We need to identify the problem. Thinking of anger as a cue to “problem solve” was something my kids and I started talking about a lot. Solving problems calmly is what a true peacemaker does.

[Kohl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tools for Personal Growth

I tried to deny that I was an angry person out of the stigma and guilt related to it.

I am not a violent person, but an angry person, as I have learned from this book.

Martin views anger with grace and honesty while providing tools and perspectives that are useful in the readers journey to understanding their anger and the anger of those around them.

You will find yourself caring more for others around you and being more gentle with yourself after reading this book.

If I could give this to every middle schooler or angry coworker I would.

[Jake Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone with a hot temper, I found this book to be helpful regarding the "why..." The nature and nurture components of anger are explored to a full degree, and the understanding that one has of how it hijacks the brain and triggers an animalistic response was helpful. But come the end of the book, I found I wanted more tips regarding "what to do" to control this. While there is a component of it, it felt a bit rushed and left me wanting more regarding the "How to be better" portion, simply for myself and to model for my children -- who have also caught the flaming rage bug from me.

[Cyndie Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mostly just wondered how I hadn't read this book earlier. A psychologist who focuses on the study of emotions and particularly anger, draws from both his own experiences as well as his research to help us understand what exactly anger is, why it happens, the ways it can be either destructive or helpful, and how we can approach it more effectively. He also clears up myths around anger such as the fact that violence and anger are not intertwined as often as we expect.

[Kit Ledvina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an excellent and entertaining dive into why we get mad. Much of the information was review for me but I was never bored. Full disclosure: Dr. Martin was one of my favorite professors in college and is an awesome person so I might have my own biases. My only wish would be for more analysis on the how to use anger for positive change portion. Maybe in a follow up book? :)

[Julia Rivi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well written, it has a scientific approach with a little humour here and there. Not a life-coaching-become-your-better-self book, but a vulgarisation of the extensive research on the subject and offering an insight of how to "be better" at anger.
I also appreciated the recognition that society does not "allow" anyone to be angry because of the underlying racism and sexism.

[Casey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved the perspective of the author. The idea of not suppressing anger but instead using anger more effectively, was refreshing. The author pulled from some great researchers and seemed well informed on the subject. A great book for therapist who are faciliting anger management treatment.

[Karl · Rating 4 out of 5]

Academic but also very interesting!

[Gabe Segal · Rating 5 out of 5]

A useful insight into the root of anger and how to better understand and manage self

[Sam · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was alright! At times it could be a little boring due to the constant use of personal stories, it also led me to feel as if the book could’ve been a waste of money.

[Will Bush · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting perspective on the roots of anger, and a difference between the levels of it.

[Maya · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very informative and helpful in life. Shows what anger is, what it looks like, and where it comes from in such a detailed and relatable fashion.

[Yama Chen · Rating 1 out of 5]

Without insightful information for anger or madness.

[Kathryn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Starts off great, and gradually slides into tangents. Not interesting after 90 pages.

[Funda Guzer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bu konu üzerine başka kitaplarda okumuştum ama hem çok güncel hem de sistematik yazılmış . Yeniden okunası ⭐️⭐️⭐️👍🏻🙏🏻💫

[Elliott Ramsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short, but useful advice!