Father Figure: How to Be a Feminist Dad

by Jordan Shapiro

A thoughtful and "utterly mind-blowing" exploration of fatherhood and masculinity in the 21st century (New York Times). There are hundreds of books on parenting, and with good reason—becoming a parent is scary, difficult, and life-changing. But when it comes to books about parenting identity, rather than the nuts and bolts of raising children, nearly all are about what it's like to be a mother.Drawing on research in sociology, economics, philosophy, gender studies, and the author's own experiences, Father Figure sets out to fill that gap. It's an exploration of the psychology of fatherhood from an archetypal perspective as well as a cultural history that challenges familiar assumptions about the origins of so-called traditional parenting roles. What paradoxes and contradictions  are inherent in our common understanding of dads? Might it be time to rethink some aspects of fatherhood?Gender norms are changing, and old economic models are facing disruption. As a result, parenthood and family life are undergoing an existential transformation. And yet, the narratives and images of dads available to us are wholly inadequate for this transition. Victorian and Industrial Age tropes about fathers not only dominate the media, but also contour most people's lived experience. Father Figure offers a badly needed update to our collective understanding of fatherhood—and masculinity in general. It teaches dads how to embrace the joys of fathering while guiding them toward an image of manliness for the modern world.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Feminism, Audiobook, Psychology, Sociology

240 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 11, 2021

About the author

Jordan Shapiro, PhD, is father to two children and step-father to two more. He lives in Philadelphia with his partner Amanda Steinberg. He's core faculty in Temple University’s Intellectual Heritage and Gender, Sexuality and Women's Studies programs. He’s senior fellow for the Joan Ganz Cooney Center at Sesame Workshop, and nonresident fellow in the Center for Universal Education at the Brookings Institution. The New Childhood (2018) received wide critical acclaim and has been published in 11 languages. Father Figure: How to be a Feminist Dad (Little, Brown Spark 2021) offers a norm-shattering perspective on fatherhood, family, and gender essentialism. The New York Time's Book Review called it "utterly mind-blowing." It has been published in 6 languages.

Reviews

[Matt Gerberich · Rating 1 out of 5]

The issues with this book are not in its core values, which I agree with. Instead, I object to the fact that it has literally no target audience. Shapiro’s best conclusions are obvious (that dads should be responsive to his kids’ needs). It’s difficult, if not impossible, to imagine someone being shocked and liberated by the revelation that dads don’t need to do all the traditional masculine chores, or to protect their daughters’ virginities, who also happens to be reading all the way through this book - which comes across exactly like what you’d expect in a doctoral thesis on gender studies. Or more honestly, a master’s term paper in gender studies, destined for some serious red ink regarding the overuse of irrelevant references and lack of strong conclusions. That Shapiro himself seems to report having grown as a father after being introduced to these ideas reflects more on him than on the ideas. Meanwhile, his shocking conclusions (that a narrative of transactional daddy-daughter eroticism is alive and well, along with much of the rest of the Jungian and mythological analysis) are nonsense. Gender roles surrounding parenting have been in flux for over half a century, and this book offers nothing close to anything resembling good “how to” advice or new ideas to that conversation.

[Kannan · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is frustrating. The author clearly likes hearing himself talk, and wastes page after page talking about random tidbits that he’s proud of himself for knowing. A 1 page anecdote about him scolding his son is followed by a 4 page word vomit about Zeus and his son and interpretation of Greek myth. He ends the section having forgotten to say anything about parenting. The author is constantly virtue signaling by talking about random social issues and how men should learn these things. But they have nothing to do with masculinity or parenting. And I say this as someone who I think is politically aligned with the author in most ways. But the book is supposedly about being a father, and it’s fascinating how little of the book has anything to actually do with being a father. Waste of time. If you feel the need to read the book, scroll through self righteous liberal Twitter for ten minutes instead for identical content.

[Mike Zickar · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of great ideas in here and the book really excels when Dr. Shapiro brings up specific examples from his parenting experiences. And his writing can be very penetrating, highlighting typical oversights and assumptions that many men have that cause them to be less effective or compassionate fathers. There is so much more work to do and Dr. Shapiro provides a great roadmap for making progress.

The background on mythological analysis and Jungian psychology, though, took energy away from many of the other exciting parts of the book.

[Ron Badgerow III · Rating 4 out of 5]

Challenging and timely. Packed with better ways to view the world from a feminist perspective and how to approach fatherhood without all the sexist and misogynistic traps and tropes of the patriarchy that have been handed down for generations. A call to break the cycle and create a new world for our families that begins and ends with love and respect.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read for work, as I’m neither a parent nor a man, so take from this what you will.

Based in intersectional feminism, from a humanist viewpoint. By a divorced dad, so a fairly unique perspective for a book on fatherhood. The author is brutally honest about his own failings as a father – whether or not that’s a good thing, I’m undecided, given the nature of some of the anecdotes. Not far into the book, he confesses to a workaholic lifestyle which facilitated sexual infidelity to his then-wife, and the stress of his lifestyle then prompted a breakdown of sorts. It seems very rigidly fixed in a certain worldview (or maybe that’s because it’s not a worldview I am familiar with or that has formed how I think).

Lays out its central hypothesis fairly early on – ‘this book is specifically for fathers about fatherhood’ (p9) but contends that ‘the nuclear family is neither essential nor traditional’ and popular images and assumptions about father figures are entwined with problematic attitudes around gender, sex, power, aggression and heteronormativity’.

Part 1 deals with Freudian and Jungian psychology with a hefty dose of pop culture in the form of Star Wars, which do all weave together to make the point that how we view fathers and fatherhood is largely socially constructed. Which isn’t to say it doesn’t have meaning, but central to the book’s hypothesis is that fatherhood is dragging all these old stories with it, and to be a feminist dad is to deconstruct these and rebuild a feminist ideal of fatherhood from the ground up. So far, so Derrida.

Pt 2 opens with what you might call an ‘unsuccessful parenting’ anecdote regarding his son, the honesty of which doesn’t really seem to accomplish much beyond making the reader wonder if the author should be working on his anger management skills. There’s honesty to illustrate a point, and then there’s unedifying honesty – only one of those should you include in a book, IMO. This is a recurring theme throughout – there’s very little in the way of practical advice in this book, a lot of windy philosophising and what parenting anecdotes are present make you wonder why he chose to include them at all.

After this anecdote comes an extensive discursus about Zeus. Anyone who knows anything about Zeus does not regard him as a model father, no matter if you’re a hyper-masculinist or the most prog dad on the block, so it’s unclear exactly why this is being included. It feels somewhat strawman.

The book is written by a college professor, and feels like it too – the book is often patronising in tone: ‘Remember, the ancient Greeks had many gods’ (I know, I’m not 5) and filled with categorical assertions ‘these viewpoints are wrong’ rather than the more nuanced ‘I believe these viewpoints to be wrong’. In a book claiming to be about defeating patriarchy, it’s astonishing how patriarchal it feels sometimes. I’m reminded of a mentor in a previous job who clearly saw himself as in loco parentis to me, when I was a 22-year-old adult who hadn’t asked for his advice, and who constantly told me that my views were wrong because they didn’t accord with his.

‘Psychological well-being requires that inner forces cooperate, that they make decisions by consensus, that they’re equally represented.’ (p61). This is, in my opinion, bunk. Our brains are not driven by the little creatures from Inside Out. What are these ‘inner forces’ he talks of? Do they have a basis in neuroscience?

P94 author acknowledges that he ‘loved watching my kids struggle’ when he asked them to explain the logic of gendered kids’ toys. This just seems mean. Of course the kids don’t know why toy aisles are often gendered. I’m not sure why teaching them about this has to involve enjoying their struggle with the concept.

P95 ‘I knew that was just plain wrong’ Such statements occur fairly often in the book, side by side with an argument to convince us that we’re all just the unreliable narrators of our own stories (p53). If that’s true, then ‘plain wrong’ by whose standards? You can’t insist that all is inherently subjective and then appeal to objective morality; that is simply a logical fallacy.

Pt 3 delves further into the influence of Freud on cultural framings of dad-daughter relationships, and IMO does a good job of unpacking the disturbing origins of the ‘daddy issues’ myth (p106). Pushes back against the expectation that a paternal authority figure is or should be the model for a girl’s future romantic relationships. I agree, but in my experience and those of others, parental relationships with their children and each other do set the tone to greater or lesser degrees. I’d have been interested to hear him dive into the ways in which parental relationships do affect our future love lives – I’d argue that it’s pretty indisputable that they do, even if not in the way Freud thought.

P120 commits a category error – schadenfreude is not empathy. See Brene Brown’s work on empathy for more detail.

P130 and also later, author mentions that he and his partner ‘keep score’ whatever that means, against common relationship advice. I’d love to know what they mean by that and why it’s a net positive for their relationship. It’s not explained at all.

Pt 4 again opens with some more troubling parenting anecdotes. It’s probably good that the sections of this book that deal with actual parenting are so few and far between, as I find them both intensely irritating and very sad. Kudos for his honesty, I guess, but it’s hard to know who this honesty serves, exactly (especially as he describes dumping his emotions onto his 15-year-old child when the real audience should clearly have been a therapist).

It’s here that my furious scrawling in the margins of this book reached fever pitch. The author describes his poor self-image as a dad, then says ‘It’s bad for the kids’ psychological wellbeing, but what can I do? I’m human; I have feelings. I can’t control them, even if I’d like to.’ (p138). Sorry, but this is a cop-out. You absolutely can control your feelings (outside of major psychological disorder) and you should. We all control our emotions in situations where we have to (work, for example). It is harder with family, but not impossible – it’s a skill required of all human adults. Finding yourself acting petulant about your capacity to either control or process your emotions and/or self-indulgently oversharing with your children should be a catalyst for growth and change, not a self-excusing ‘I’m only human’ shoulder shrug.

P148 good advice on helping your children to develop their own unique voices, rather than squashing their perspectives – value their voice, don’t feign praise, show respect through actions, such as debating with your children as peers: ‘Show that you take them seriously by treating them with dignity rather than paternalism’ (p148).

This is somewhat undermined by the next page, where he admits his own shortcomings in debates with this son. Again, this level of honesty is neither helpful not edifying. I guess it’s meant to make him seem relatable, but in fact comes across as rather immature.

P150 is crudely dismissive of men’s need to express emotional vulnerability. In a time where male mental health is in crisis – and I’m not just going off headlines here, this is well-documented – such mocking statements as ‘someone hold my balls while I cry’ are deeply unhelpful.

His key phrase – responsive fathering – boils down to listen and respond, don’t dictate or dominate. This was good, but it could have been the whole book. The extensive thesis on gender studies was unnecessary for the layperson.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

The concepts in the book are great and much needed for being a feminist dad. The writing of the book however wasn’t very engaging in my opinion with a lot of talk about Greek gods, etc.

[Brian]

I really appreciated this book on multiple levels.
1. Having researched many of the themes in this book myself, I appreciated Jordan's take and approach and succinct articulation.

2. As a dad striving to be a feminist dad, I also appreciated the challenges he put forward in the closing chapter and the 4 steps to reframe how you think about fatherhood. I agree with him that it is very easy to deconstruct anything in our culture, but to rebuild a new vision for how to be a feminist dad is challenging and Jordan does a great job of doing so.

3. Finally, I just appreciated the short vignettes at the start of each chapter. I am raising daughters, not sons, but many of the reflections have universal experiences within them that I enjoyed.

[Katherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Even in today’s seemingly modern, more inclusive society, a majority of parenting books are written about motherhood, and fathers are often assumed to have their role pre-defined and easy to follow. Father Figure sets out to turn that idea on end, and takes a stab at exploring the psychology of fatherhood and challenging assumptions about the father’s traditional role in a household. In a world where gender norms, parenting models, household demographics, and more are rapidly changing, every parent must adapt to these new circumstances. Father Figure tries to tackle our collective, outdated understanding of fatherhood and bring it into the modern age, teaching fathers to look toward their role in the home and the life of their child with open eyes, active ears, and a willing mind.

I’m certainly not the target audience for a book on fatherhood, but one of the best parts about reading is that I’m given endless chances to explore viewpoints and roles that I don’t necessarily fill in my own life. Father Figure is a sort of manifesto for dads, diving deep into history, psychology, and cultural norms to dismantle the role of the family patriarch. Instead it seeks to offer up the role of feminist dad- equal partner, listener, encourager- someone who is acutely aware of the traps and pitfalls that await and who, with conscientious effort, is able to nimbly avoid them as often as possible. The book is heady and deep, drawing on a lot of concepts that sometimes could have been more thoroughly explained, but overall it effectively examines different aspects of traditional patriarchal fatherhood and offers alternatives that are more open-minded and intentionally inclusive. I wonder what fathers will think, who read this book, and how many will tackle their own viewpoints and understanding of their role in the world and try to evolve to fit the role that Shapiro lays out in Father Figure. Definitely an interesting read.

[Rock · Rating 2 out of 5]

I groaned almost immediately upon opening this book. The intro revolves around how the author experiences a negative review of his first book, and the rest of the book continues in a similar vein, displaying the narcissism excused by self-awareness that is ubiquitous in the social media era (and is ironic in a book that is partially about how it's not all about you). Despite that, I stuck it out and found some good things to remember. And while I cringe at his choice of subject, I agree with the author's values, which are really the point of the book. So yeah, I'd recommend this for fathers.

[Jacob · Rating 2 out of 5]

There's a few good nuggets in there, if you can find them.

[Oliver Thomas · Rating 2 out of 5]

It takes a special type of intelligence to explain complex ideas and concepts in clear terms that serve to facilitate understanding, spark new ideas, and encourage debate.

Unfortunately for Shapiro and his readers, he does not appear to possess this kind of intelligence. Instead, with excruciating irony, he succumbs to exactly the sort of "narcissistic patriarchal authority" that he is at such pains to castigate, wielding conceptual jargon as a prop with which to shore up a fragile intellectual ego.

I can't help but wonder for whom Shapiro imagined writing this book, other than himself. For anyone even remotely inclined to pick it up in the first place, there is very little likely to prove novel or enlightening. Feminism is an ongoing practice, not an identity. Patriarchy is ubiquitous and insidious, requiring active effort to recognize and resist. "Locker room gender essentialism" is shitty. So far, so uncontroversial.

For everyone else, Shapiro makes almost no effort to descend from his privileged vantage point of moral and intellectual superiority to enlighten, elevate, engage, encourage, or educate. In fact, I would be prepared to eat a copy if even a single person reading this book was inspired to parent differently. For a "how to" guide, it is remarkably light in practical guidance.

It's a shame because I felt especially primed to enjoy this book. As an expectant father with an interest in depth psychology, I agree with Shapiro that there are precious few (if any) books that address the experience of "fatherhood" as an identity beyond stereotypical and often misogynistic tropes. In parts, Shapiro delivers. I particularly enjoyed his account of the history of "daddy-daughter" relationships and the influence of advertising in redefining what it meant to be a father in the mid-twentieth century.

Still, it is perhaps unsurprising that a self-described "globally celebrated American thought-leader" should possess such a breathtaking lack of self-awareness. I have read few books that come across so patriarchal. The tone is that of a mediocre white man confidently preaching the language of intersectionality while the female perspective is notably lacking. On the one hand, Shapiro is neurotically at pains to de-center himself as a source of objective authority and disavow his white male privilege. On the other, he is almost comically assertive, dismissing other viewpoints as "clearly wrong". If you say so, Professor.

Take this passage, for instance: "I'm not being humble, I think I'm an awesome dad. In fact, if anyone deserves the 'world's greatest; mug on fathers day, it's me. It's not because I started my writing career as a video game expert and gave my kids some of the coolest gamer experiences ever. No, it's because my kids have seen how often I'm engaged in a process of self-criticism. They recognize that I'm always trying to identify problematic cultural patterns, scripts and structures that my habitual behaviors reproduce and maintain."

Perhaps I'm being ungenerous, I'm sure Prof. Shapriro is well-intentioned. He's certainly earnest. Yet for those truly in search of a guide to feminist parenting, I'd start elsewhere. I had hoped this would complement Lucy Jones' excellent 'Matrescence' with a similarly thoughtful mediation on what it means to become a father and the fundamental re-orientation of identity that transition entails. Not only does this book fail on an intellectual level, it also fails on a practical level insofar as it offers very little in the way of practical guidance on respectful, responsive parenting.

It's hard to escape the feeling that this is a book in search of an audience. So many of the arguments seem to be addressed to an almost comically philistine strawman I can't help but feel is a stand-in for the author's own narcissistic, patriarchal, adulterous shadow self.

[Claudio Santoro · Rating 5 out of 5]

HO comprato l'edizione italiana, salta subito all'occhio che il titolo "How to be a feminist dad" diventa "Come essere un papà moderno". Vorrei capire dagli editori il perché di questa censura alla definizione di Papà femminista, ho visto il titolo della traduzione francese ed è uguale a quella inglese, mi fa pensare che in Italia il lavoro da fare sia molto più duro, ad ogni modo cercavo da tempo un punto di vista maschile del femminismo. La parola femminismo lascia effettivamente intendere una lotta soprattutto femminile contro un patriarcato che sostanzialmente assegna agli uomini solo benefici, io non sono d'accordo da molto tempo, il patriarcato è molto limitante anche per il genere maschile, il sessismo va combattuto per il bene di tutti i generi, forse dell'umanità intera. Il modello maschile virile è una gabbia stretta e scomoda (come cita nel suo libro lo stesso Shapiro) e sono d'accordo con lui, quest'idea del maschio capofamiglia, che porta i soldi a casa e che dice a tutti come comportarsi è un'invenzione della modernità (altra citazione). E' stato bello e confortante leggerlo, uno dei pochi saggi che sono riuscito a finire in vita mia, sono più tipo da romanzi, mi sembra che spesso i saggi diventino ripetitivi e noiosi, questo no, o forse era solo un saggio che io stavo aspettando. Per cui definirsi papà femministi anche sul titolo sarebbe stato importante, io mi sento di esserlo, almeno in divenire (altra citazione). Bravo e grazie

[Donald · Rating 4 out of 5]

“To be a feminist dad, you have to be willing to interrogate these taken-for-granted assumptions; and you have to be ready to reimagine your dad persona in anti-sexist ways.”

“To be a feminist dad, you need to acknowledge that it’s time to reinvent the father figure for a new era.”

“The fourth principle of becoming a feminist dad is to be rigorously inclusive.” - Amen!!

“… responsive fathering is participatory and adaptive.”

Tich Nhat Hanh writes, “To practice mindfulness of speech, sometimes we have to practice silence.”

Kate Manne wrote, “Sexism wears a lab coat; misogyny goes on witch hunts.” - (the word misogyny literally means to hate women)

And great last three lines from this book:

- “Men have privilege. There’s so much power in being a dad. Dear fathers: I implore you, please wield that power in feminist ways.” -



Lots of interesting information to digest in these pages! I loved the quotes I've posted here, and I learned quite a bit! I was given this as a gift from Gina, my daughter’s mother! Thank you! I hope that I am a “FATHER FIGURE IN PROGRESS”!

“Picard is a father figure. The whole ship’s company looks up to him.” - (referring, of course, to Captain Jean-Luc Picard in ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’!)

Make it so!!!

[Mr. Harry Grose · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty deep ideas on how to be a modern day dad and the raising of your children. Need to say this, if Shapiro is a college professor, I would drop his class, too annoying, like he has something to prove about his knowledge and expertise on nothing. However, good ideas about being a dad today in 2021. Way too much talk about inclusivity (make me throw up), my big worry is America is going to hell in a hand basket because of all this talk about people's feelings. I'm a live and let live person, but everyone has a mile of shit to go through, no excuses, overcome adversity, The End.

[Vinicius Pedroni · Rating 4 out of 5]

Impressionante como Paulo Freire é venerado por profissionais da educação ao redor do mundo e desprezado no Brasil. Este autor junguiano esclarece várias questões sobre a paternidade clássica - narcisista, privilegiada para os homens e meninos, autoritária- com interpretações de passagens de várias obras do autor brasileiro. E faz repensar o que precisamos para esta geração de filhos que estão questionando (com razão) estes modelos estabelecidos de paternidade, gênero, figura de autoridade, e empatia.

[Hugo · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book contained a couple of good inspirational quotes and serves as a good basic introduction to feminism and even ground knowledge on Paulo Freire’s “Pedagogy of the Oppressed” and how it relates to fatherhood and becoming a dad. However, the book would have made much more justice to its title and the expectation it inspires if the book contained much more concrete examples relating to actual real life parenting situation. Instead, we get ad hoc examples of how the author behaved at home, which I felt could be much more expansive. Three stars.

[N · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this book was ok. I agreed with most of the concepts, and I like how biting Shapiro could be, but I also found there to be too many filler anecdotes and heavy handed academese to be really excellent. He frequently brought up interesting topics, and then quickly cut away to tell some story about himself and his Jungian analysis.

[Steven Kolber · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not bad, good literary discussions, some nice examples, some parenting notes.

[Michelle Pulignani · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book. Fathers need to play more of a role in raising their children.

[Joni McNeal · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wish there were more real-life examples.

[Doug Reid · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good book with very meaningful and important content about fathers/men and how they relate to daughters/women.
I recommend it.

[Brenden Gallagher · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overly philosophical and a little too back patting. Who is this book for? Too basic for the woke, too woke for the basic.