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How to Listen: Tools for opening up conversations when it matters most
A practical and valuable guide to how to become a better listener in every area of your life
Samaritans have always been there in times of trouble, but we don't only need good listeners when we're in a time of crisis - we need them when we're struggling to make a decision, dealing with a difficult situation, or simply having a bad week. Samaritans believe that every one of us can be a better listener in our everyday life, strengthening relationships and offering support to those around us.
In this friendly and approachable book, readers will discover:
How to open up a conversation with someone who might be struggling
How to listen fully
How to empathise and reflect rather than problem solve
How to use gentle encouragement to help others share their stories
The power of listening without judgement
With helpful tips from real Samaritans, and advice on how these techniques can be adapted for different situations, this important book can help to make each of us a better partner, friend, parent and colleague.
Samaritans have always been there in times of trouble, but we don't only need good listeners when we're in a time of crisis - we need them when we're struggling to make a decision, dealing with a difficult situation, or simply having a bad week. Samaritans believe that every one of us can be a better listener in our everyday life, strengthening relationships and offering support to those around us.
In this friendly and approachable book, readers will discover:
How to open up a conversation with someone who might be struggling
How to listen fully
How to empathise and reflect rather than problem solve
How to use gentle encouragement to help others share their stories
The power of listening without judgement
With helpful tips from real Samaritans, and advice on how these techniques can be adapted for different situations, this important book can help to make each of us a better partner, friend, parent and colleague.
193 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 25, 2021
96 people are currently reading
614 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 38 reviews
March 21, 2021
There wasn't much new for me in this book, but at the same time I found it to be a good reminder about important things and how sometimes we can help even more than we think. You just need to figure out first what type of help does the person need at this very moment.
It also reminded me of an idea that one of the most valuable things we can give each other is time and patience.
It also reminded me of an idea that one of the most valuable things we can give each other is time and patience.
April 5, 2021
This is the most important book I've read this year.
March 28, 2021
Practical and inspiring. Listen. Validate the person's feelings. Only give your opinion when asked. Look after yourself.
March 11, 2021
Useful but a lot of repetition, hence only 3*
Useful but a lot of repetition. An eye opener if you're a "fixer" like me: simply listening without offering solutions is counterintuitive but seems the best way to help.
Useful but a lot of repetition. An eye opener if you're a "fixer" like me: simply listening without offering solutions is counterintuitive but seems the best way to help.
December 20, 2021
If like me you grew up in a household where every conversation was a shouting argument, then like me you probably didn't learn how to listen well, because no one else was listening to you. :') If this sounds familiar, read this book !
March 9, 2022
3.5 - Rounded to 4
This book really surprised me and may be the best book I have read on the topic of listening. It is true to what it markets itself to be, “A practical guide on how to become a better listener in all areas of your life.” The book provides simple and digestible information even though some of the topics covered are heavy; addiction, suicide, depression, and eating disorders. The book is relatively new, published in January 2021, so the information and models are up to date.
The Layout / Content
The book is written in collaboration with an organization called, The Samaritans, and at the heart of it is their organizational mission and practices. The Samaritans are a charity in the UK and Ireland which offer support to those in crisis. The book is written as a guide by volunteers and experts who share stories, advice, and practical exercises on how to listen. It is split into the following 4 sections:
1. Why Listening Matters
2. How to be a Better Listener
3. Practical Support and Self Care
4. Conclusion (Resources) - The Samaritans Listening Model and additional support networks
The chapters followed the same format; an overview of the advice, a story from someone that had been supported by a Samaritan, an explanation of how this advice helped the individual, and then a reiteration of how and why the advice is valuable. I liked the way the ideas were brought full circle because it helped me commit the main points to memory.
The Writing
The language and writing are clear and approachable, regardless of prior knowledge or mental health training. I could see some people reading this book and thinking a lot of it is common courtesy or knowledge. However, this book is a reminder that even though we know what the polite thing is to do, we often fall short in the moment. The book attempts to train us to listen better by including practical exercises and acronyms to commit to memory. Throughout the book, there are quotes from the Samaritans founders and public figures that emphasize the need for listening. They were a nice addition.
The explanations alongside the information make the book more persuasive. I considered how I can listen better even in casual/ social situations. This is an important idea because there are many bestsellers on developing social skills and tips on how to “make more friends”. These books offer the commonly held advice that you should ask people a lot of questions because people only want to talk about themselves. That advice is outdated and one-dimensional, in reality it comes off more interrogatory and does less to make people feel validated and interested in. This book does the opposite by showing why it is valuable to be quiet and let people fully communicate what they need or want to say. Advice is also given on when to ask follow up questions.
Takeaways
Many of the recommendations on how to listen align with what I have learned through various Mental Health First Aid Training courses I have completed. It was nice to see an overlap of many of those ideas presented in the book. I also highlighted many lines that offered a new perspective on how I can be a more empathetic listener. Below I included some examples:
From the chapter, “Making Assumptions”:
“Forgetting that every person’s story is unique. It can be easy to forget that everyone’s life experiences are different. Just because a story is similar to one we have heard before does not mean that the person’s experience will be the same, even similar.”
From the chapter, “Don’t Give Advice”
“How they are feeling at that given time is completely unique to them. No one else can feel exactly the way they do in that moment, and they should be allowed to express that and be listened to.”
“The better you know somebody, the more in danger you are of making assumptions. You might think, ‘Oh, I understand her, I know how she is feeling.’ But it’s likely that the person then won’t feel listened to or validated, because you haven’t allowed them space to explore what’s going on.”
Why didn’t I give it 5 stars?
Some parts about what the Samaritans' organization does were a little preachy. But they do good work, so I wasn't too bothered. These organization focused sections just weren't applicable to me since I live outside of the area that the Samaritans serve. The testimonials were meaningful because they highlighted the impacts that good listening had on someone in crisis. Though I see the value of adding these testimonials, they unfortunately read more like an infomercial. Since the book is written by this organization, it is in their best interest to showcase their success stories.
As many other reviewers have mentioned, it is repetitive. I will argue that in a how-to guide or a nonfiction that aims to teach something, repetition is not necessarily a bad thing. It does act as an aid for remembering the advice, especially when the information being presented was not redundant.
Final Thoughts
The book concludes with a section on compassion fatigue, helpful for those in a supporting role. This included a Self-Care action plan that helps you make tangible plans for ensuring well-being and health during times when you are giving a lot of emotional energy to others. There are also more resources at the end of the book, including the listening model used by the Samaritans organization. Overall, it was a quick and informative read that I would recommend to anyone who wants to learn how to better support those struggling with mental health issues or if you just want to improve your listening skills in general.
“Most of all, listening requires you to forget your own ego, to set aside your own preoccupations and anxieties, and to give your full concentration to whoever’s speaking to you. The rewards are that a good listener can change someone’s life - even save someone’s life.”
Michael Palin, Preface
This book really surprised me and may be the best book I have read on the topic of listening. It is true to what it markets itself to be, “A practical guide on how to become a better listener in all areas of your life.” The book provides simple and digestible information even though some of the topics covered are heavy; addiction, suicide, depression, and eating disorders. The book is relatively new, published in January 2021, so the information and models are up to date.
The Layout / Content
The book is written in collaboration with an organization called, The Samaritans, and at the heart of it is their organizational mission and practices. The Samaritans are a charity in the UK and Ireland which offer support to those in crisis. The book is written as a guide by volunteers and experts who share stories, advice, and practical exercises on how to listen. It is split into the following 4 sections:
1. Why Listening Matters
2. How to be a Better Listener
3. Practical Support and Self Care
4. Conclusion (Resources) - The Samaritans Listening Model and additional support networks
The chapters followed the same format; an overview of the advice, a story from someone that had been supported by a Samaritan, an explanation of how this advice helped the individual, and then a reiteration of how and why the advice is valuable. I liked the way the ideas were brought full circle because it helped me commit the main points to memory.
The Writing
The language and writing are clear and approachable, regardless of prior knowledge or mental health training. I could see some people reading this book and thinking a lot of it is common courtesy or knowledge. However, this book is a reminder that even though we know what the polite thing is to do, we often fall short in the moment. The book attempts to train us to listen better by including practical exercises and acronyms to commit to memory. Throughout the book, there are quotes from the Samaritans founders and public figures that emphasize the need for listening. They were a nice addition.
The explanations alongside the information make the book more persuasive. I considered how I can listen better even in casual/ social situations. This is an important idea because there are many bestsellers on developing social skills and tips on how to “make more friends”. These books offer the commonly held advice that you should ask people a lot of questions because people only want to talk about themselves. That advice is outdated and one-dimensional, in reality it comes off more interrogatory and does less to make people feel validated and interested in. This book does the opposite by showing why it is valuable to be quiet and let people fully communicate what they need or want to say. Advice is also given on when to ask follow up questions.
Takeaways
Many of the recommendations on how to listen align with what I have learned through various Mental Health First Aid Training courses I have completed. It was nice to see an overlap of many of those ideas presented in the book. I also highlighted many lines that offered a new perspective on how I can be a more empathetic listener. Below I included some examples:
From the chapter, “Making Assumptions”:
“Forgetting that every person’s story is unique. It can be easy to forget that everyone’s life experiences are different. Just because a story is similar to one we have heard before does not mean that the person’s experience will be the same, even similar.”
From the chapter, “Don’t Give Advice”
“How they are feeling at that given time is completely unique to them. No one else can feel exactly the way they do in that moment, and they should be allowed to express that and be listened to.”
“The better you know somebody, the more in danger you are of making assumptions. You might think, ‘Oh, I understand her, I know how she is feeling.’ But it’s likely that the person then won’t feel listened to or validated, because you haven’t allowed them space to explore what’s going on.”
Why didn’t I give it 5 stars?
Some parts about what the Samaritans' organization does were a little preachy. But they do good work, so I wasn't too bothered. These organization focused sections just weren't applicable to me since I live outside of the area that the Samaritans serve. The testimonials were meaningful because they highlighted the impacts that good listening had on someone in crisis. Though I see the value of adding these testimonials, they unfortunately read more like an infomercial. Since the book is written by this organization, it is in their best interest to showcase their success stories.
As many other reviewers have mentioned, it is repetitive. I will argue that in a how-to guide or a nonfiction that aims to teach something, repetition is not necessarily a bad thing. It does act as an aid for remembering the advice, especially when the information being presented was not redundant.
Final Thoughts
The book concludes with a section on compassion fatigue, helpful for those in a supporting role. This included a Self-Care action plan that helps you make tangible plans for ensuring well-being and health during times when you are giving a lot of emotional energy to others. There are also more resources at the end of the book, including the listening model used by the Samaritans organization. Overall, it was a quick and informative read that I would recommend to anyone who wants to learn how to better support those struggling with mental health issues or if you just want to improve your listening skills in general.
“Most of all, listening requires you to forget your own ego, to set aside your own preoccupations and anxieties, and to give your full concentration to whoever’s speaking to you. The rewards are that a good listener can change someone’s life - even save someone’s life.”
Michael Palin, Preface
June 1, 2023
This is a book about how to listen to people who are struggling with their mental or emotional health. The information is good - don't give advice, listen without judgement,
How to model active listening. Self care while supporting others. The information is presented over and over with case study type examples. While the information is valuable it is base level, and the repetitive presentation makes it feel like a slog to get through.
How to model active listening. Self care while supporting others. The information is presented over and over with case study type examples. While the information is valuable it is base level, and the repetitive presentation makes it feel like a slog to get through.
December 3, 2024
ça passe mais bon c'est très basique comme conseils (écouter et ne pas juste entendre, ne pas interrompre, laisser les gens parler au lieu de juste leur donner des conseils) et c'est énormément de propagande pour leur asso
March 13, 2024
I have really enjoyed reading this book, offers a lot of practical tips on how to improve active listening skills. It’s very inspiring and motivating to open up for others and their reality
December 27, 2023
Couldn't get used to the style
March 14, 2021
Mental Health has been a big topic over the last year and it's been interesting and helpful in reading books to help improve knowledge on the subject. This book shows you how to go back to basics and really listen to when someone talks to you and not be on your phone, keep interrupting them or giving your advice. I definitely recommend you give it a read, it could help a friend or a family member at some point.
March 27, 2021
Samaritans is a wonderful UK leading charity for suicide prevention. Volunteers offer tremendous support to people who are struggling with suicidal ideation and behaviour, but also depression, anxiety, loneliness and other mental health diffculties. I may be biased, because I've been trained by Samaritans and I work for Samaritans policy & influencing, but the listening model described here is a very valuable tool. This book can empower people to initiate difficult discussions when someone around them is in distress, and equip them with the skills to listen actively, ask open questions, adopt a non-judgemental style/tone, shy away from solution-focused approach and support their friends, family members and even strangers. Through lived experience of callers (people who've received help by Samaritans) and volunteers (those who actively listen and provide support to callers), you'll find out lots of examples and phrases someone to use and dispel myths around suicide and self-harm.
As reminded in the book 'Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.' - this is something we need to systemically change and challenge, while always try to find ways to improve our communication with other human beings. Reading this book will remind you to be there for others, and not focus on your own stories or oneself.
I only rated it 3/5 because my existing training means that the book didn't offer much new information to me personally, although I am a firm believer that it will do for others who haven't been trained.
As reminded in the book 'Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.' - this is something we need to systemically change and challenge, while always try to find ways to improve our communication with other human beings. Reading this book will remind you to be there for others, and not focus on your own stories or oneself.
I only rated it 3/5 because my existing training means that the book didn't offer much new information to me personally, although I am a firm believer that it will do for others who haven't been trained.
July 19, 2023
Summary
This book became is currently the best read of this year, and became one of the must-read books list I have: and it made it to the podium as well, second position. I wrote a blog post about how this book changed my life [here](https://medium.com/@luca.nicoletti/i-...). It has enlightened me on a million things we (yes, we - all) do wrong while trying to listen to people. We don’t really listen at all, we do the opposite: we get ready to reply and think what work for us, will work for others as well, so we give suggestions, stories about how we handled or would handle that situation, etc... But we never listen for real - even though we should.
My evaluation
What did I like the most?
The fact that with real-life stories, the book is able to make you recognise what you’re doing wrong, and what would be better by showing both sides of the conversation: the one from who wants to be listened, to and the one from who is listening (or trying to). All the suggestions coming from different Samaritans are a great resource and can help you improve your social connection a lot, just by learning how to properly listen to someone.
What didn’t I like?
Nothing, this book is a silver bullet: you won’t regret reading it. It’s also not too long and won’t keep you occupied for much.
This book became is currently the best read of this year, and became one of the must-read books list I have: and it made it to the podium as well, second position. I wrote a blog post about how this book changed my life [here](https://medium.com/@luca.nicoletti/i-...). It has enlightened me on a million things we (yes, we - all) do wrong while trying to listen to people. We don’t really listen at all, we do the opposite: we get ready to reply and think what work for us, will work for others as well, so we give suggestions, stories about how we handled or would handle that situation, etc... But we never listen for real - even though we should.
My evaluation
What did I like the most?
The fact that with real-life stories, the book is able to make you recognise what you’re doing wrong, and what would be better by showing both sides of the conversation: the one from who wants to be listened, to and the one from who is listening (or trying to). All the suggestions coming from different Samaritans are a great resource and can help you improve your social connection a lot, just by learning how to properly listen to someone.
What didn’t I like?
Nothing, this book is a silver bullet: you won’t regret reading it. It’s also not too long and won’t keep you occupied for much.
May 26, 2025
MASSIVE picture of Prince Charles, even claimed as a co-author WHAT!!!! it actually fills the page!!!
short but excellent book, to the point, very valuable
EDIT: SUMMARY I WROTE AFTER THINKING ABOUT THE CONTENTS:
"Listen without projection, without solution, repeate phrases summarise, never judge anything even good things, just sit there, endure the silences, and let people talk openly, and if they find a lull, ask them more open questions, never at any point contradict a bad opinion or a good one, believe in the karmic principle that eventually they will find the solution necessary and the right path, and accept that for some the right path is suicide"
the karmic principle they allude to is likely not one they would endorce if thy fully understood it at logical conclusion, but I think I have come to believe it is wise and deeply insightful no matter how unfortunate
short but excellent book, to the point, very valuable
EDIT: SUMMARY I WROTE AFTER THINKING ABOUT THE CONTENTS:
"Listen without projection, without solution, repeate phrases summarise, never judge anything even good things, just sit there, endure the silences, and let people talk openly, and if they find a lull, ask them more open questions, never at any point contradict a bad opinion or a good one, believe in the karmic principle that eventually they will find the solution necessary and the right path, and accept that for some the right path is suicide"
the karmic principle they allude to is likely not one they would endorce if thy fully understood it at logical conclusion, but I think I have come to believe it is wise and deeply insightful no matter how unfortunate
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 16, 2024
I was really excited to read this book but, in the end, it was a bit disappointing. It has some very good pieces of advice and, of course, it can help you reflect on your behaviour when you speak with someone who needs someone who listens to them. However, it is quite repetitive, to the point that it becomes boring. The “examples” sometimes feel unrealistic and at some point it feels like a marketing campaign to either call Samaritans or become a volunteer. I don’t doubt that they do a great job there but I was expecting a bit more from this book instead a repetitive narrative on what Samaritans does.
I did finish the book but I did struggle to do it, and it’s not even that long. I’m not sure I would recommend it.
I did finish the book but I did struggle to do it, and it’s not even that long. I’m not sure I would recommend it.
September 17, 2024
Useful book if you do volunteering such as befriending etc.
I’m volunteering for three things - monthly group for people have been affected by suicide, a monthly meet up with a person with learning disabilities and a weekly befriender visit where I see a person who’s very depressed and anxious - and this book taught me a lot of tips on how to deal with all these.
It’s got some key person based counselling theories explained in it, but I think every human should read it, it just teaches people to listen better and not say the wrongs things when doing so, which I have a lot of personal experience of people doing.
I’m volunteering for three things - monthly group for people have been affected by suicide, a monthly meet up with a person with learning disabilities and a weekly befriender visit where I see a person who’s very depressed and anxious - and this book taught me a lot of tips on how to deal with all these.
It’s got some key person based counselling theories explained in it, but I think every human should read it, it just teaches people to listen better and not say the wrongs things when doing so, which I have a lot of personal experience of people doing.
September 1, 2021
Obviously a very important skill to learn and the tools mentioned are great and I will certainly be more aware of these in a conversation but honestly this book could have been a 5 page PDF but all the repetition made it a 200 page book.
This book is probably better for people who are very new or apprehensive about listening to people or don't have much knowledge of mental health. So im not bashing the book for its intention because ofc the Samaritans are brilliant, but some parts were just too basic/obvious for me personally.
This book is probably better for people who are very new or apprehensive about listening to people or don't have much knowledge of mental health. So im not bashing the book for its intention because ofc the Samaritans are brilliant, but some parts were just too basic/obvious for me personally.
December 26, 2021
Good sensible and practical book. I’m not a good listener. I have to be in the right frame of mind in order to listen but I find Increasingly people want to talk when I’m at my lowest so I thought I’d give this book a read and now I find I’ve been doing it wrong my whole life anyway. So I have some practical tips and I think I will make this my 2022 goal (but will start now) and try and be more mindful, not find solutions and try and engage my listening ears instead of my hearing ears or my oh my god I wish you’d shut up and leave me in peace inner voice.
September 1, 2021
What an excellent and essential book. I never give unsolicited advice. But when a family member or friend approaches me with a problem, my first instinct often is to spring to action, immediately suggesting potential solutions. This book helped me understand why the most helpful thing actually is simply being there for the person and listening to them, making them feel heard.
I can't recommend this book highly enough. If you want to help a loved one dealing with any issues or simply be a better listener, this is the book to read. Extremely clear, practical, and full of priceless information.
I can't recommend this book highly enough. If you want to help a loved one dealing with any issues or simply be a better listener, this is the book to read. Extremely clear, practical, and full of priceless information.
October 2, 2023
How to Listen is an easy-to-follow book on how to provide active listening for people in distress or need. If you have not practiced active listening before or engaged with people suffering from mental illness, disorders or social stigma, this can be a good start.
I have prior training in active listening as part of volunteering with vulnerable youth, but I still found this to be useful as a refresher for what I learned so many years ago.
I have prior training in active listening as part of volunteering with vulnerable youth, but I still found this to be useful as a refresher for what I learned so many years ago.
August 22, 2021
As a nearly trained peer support specialist, I can confidently say this book is phenomenal in every single way. And if you are going into the mental health field or want to know how to support a person you know more effectively, this book is an incredible tool. I honestly wish I could rate it higher than five stars because that’s how good it is.
July 23, 2025
I liked that they had lots of anecdotes, quotes and they did a summary after each segment. But the content felt very repetitive. You could learn just as much by only reading the summaries if you don’t want to spend time reading every anecdote or chapter.
I would’ve rather borrowed this book from the library instead of buying it.
I would’ve rather borrowed this book from the library instead of buying it.
May 9, 2021
This provides some useful insights into an important skill that most of us could do with working on. It's nothing monumental but interesting enough. Its major flaw was that it does get a little repetitive in parts.
April 11, 2022
Everyone should read this book and promote the habit of listening. This book explains the importance of listening and while reading through it, you will realise that it’s so important to listen and be there for someone, anyone, also how important and easy it is. Must read!
February 9, 2021
The book does have good points to think about. But I feel this book can be much shorter, for many chapters it's repeating the same things again and again.
December 21, 2021
I believe everyone should be given a copy of this book to read- simple, gentle, practical advice on how we can all support each other just through the simple act of listening.
April 15, 2023
It is a nice book. It is helpful for people helping and in need for help.
July 25, 2023
Good advice but quite repetitive.
July 26, 2023
Highly recommend. It teaches an important life skill.
August 19, 2023
Learning is so much more than listening, and Colombus demonstrates how it's one of our most important skills to help our fellow man (and equally ourselves) and so so simple to read
Displaying 1 - 30 of 38 reviews