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Stop Fixing Yourself: Wake Up, All Is Well (1)
Take a look around and see if you can find just one completely happy person, someone at peace with themselves, someone who is fearless and free from insecurity, depression, lack, and worry. You would be lucky if you found one in a hundred thousand. The irony is we were born happy; we lost touch with it. We were born surrounded by a divinity of peace, joy, and love; we lost sight of it. It's as if we've been hypnotized to see what is not there and not see what is there.
We were brainwashed by society into building our life on the unquestioned belief that without money, power, success, approval, romance, etc., we cannot be happy. It's a false belief that has us constantly striving, constantly focused on what we don't have, constantly at the mercy of things and people as we try desperately to make life conform to society's formula for happiness, only to discover it offers nothing more in the way of a happy life than temporary respites from the fear of failing.
Suppose there is a way of waking up from all that, where what is false and neurotic within you would drop with little or no effort on your part and your eyes would open to the reality of joy surrounding you. Here it Stop Fixing Yourself, the new book by Anthony DeMello that helps you rediscover the life you were meant to live.
We were brainwashed by society into building our life on the unquestioned belief that without money, power, success, approval, romance, etc., we cannot be happy. It's a false belief that has us constantly striving, constantly focused on what we don't have, constantly at the mercy of things and people as we try desperately to make life conform to society's formula for happiness, only to discover it offers nothing more in the way of a happy life than temporary respites from the fear of failing.
Suppose there is a way of waking up from all that, where what is false and neurotic within you would drop with little or no effort on your part and your eyes would open to the reality of joy surrounding you. Here it Stop Fixing Yourself, the new book by Anthony DeMello that helps you rediscover the life you were meant to live.
216 pages, Hardcover
First published April 1, 2021
409 people are currently reading
2243 people want to read
About the author
Anthony de Mello
162 books985 followersAnthony de Mello was a Jesuit priest and psychotherapist who became widely known for his books on spirituality. An internationally acclaimed spiritual guide, writer and public speaker, de Mello hosted many spiritual conferences.
The few talks which he allowed to be filmed, such as "A Rediscovery of Life" and "A Way to God for Today," have inspired many viewers and audiences throughout the United States, Canada, and Central America. De Mello established a prayer center in India. He died suddenly in 1987. His works are readily available and additional writings were published after his death.
In 1998, some of his opinions were condemned by the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, who later became Pope Benedict XVI, wrote for the Congregation:
"But already in certain passages in [his] early works and to a greater degree in his later publications, one notices a progressive distancing from the essential contents of the Christian faith. ... With the present Notification, in order to protect the good of the Christian faithful, this Congregation declares that the above-mentioned positions are incompatible with the Catholic faith and can cause grave harm."
Some editions of his books have since been supplemented with the insertion of a caution:
"The books of Father Anthony de Mello were written in a multi-religious context to help the followers of other religions, agnostics and atheists in their spiritual search, and they were not intended by the author as manuals of instruction of the Catholic faithful in Christian doctrine or dogma."
The few talks which he allowed to be filmed, such as "A Rediscovery of Life" and "A Way to God for Today," have inspired many viewers and audiences throughout the United States, Canada, and Central America. De Mello established a prayer center in India. He died suddenly in 1987. His works are readily available and additional writings were published after his death.
In 1998, some of his opinions were condemned by the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, who later became Pope Benedict XVI, wrote for the Congregation:
"But already in certain passages in [his] early works and to a greater degree in his later publications, one notices a progressive distancing from the essential contents of the Christian faith. ... With the present Notification, in order to protect the good of the Christian faithful, this Congregation declares that the above-mentioned positions are incompatible with the Catholic faith and can cause grave harm."
Some editions of his books have since been supplemented with the insertion of a caution:
"The books of Father Anthony de Mello were written in a multi-religious context to help the followers of other religions, agnostics and atheists in their spiritual search, and they were not intended by the author as manuals of instruction of the Catholic faithful in Christian doctrine or dogma."
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 85 reviews
September 29, 2024
Lovely, but please read with caution. Please, please, please keep the analytical part of your brain turned on.
I appreciate what Mello has to say, but some of the wording rubbed me the wrong way.
This book is great if you're reading from a place of wholeness and you don't take every word literally.
However, I believe that in the wrong hands, it can be psychologically damaging. Someone who is experiencing a lack mindset and is already starving themselves of goodness, could easily misread this work and misconstrue the message, thinking they should detach from the world in unhealthy ways.
One of my hangups with books like this is that there is the insinuation that parts of being human are wrong. There's nothing wrong with having an ego. There's also nothing wrong with attachment nor desire... we are biologically hardwired for these things, and with good reason. It's all about balance and utilizing these things from a place of wholeness versus lack.
I appreciate what Mello has to say, but some of the wording rubbed me the wrong way.
This book is great if you're reading from a place of wholeness and you don't take every word literally.
However, I believe that in the wrong hands, it can be psychologically damaging. Someone who is experiencing a lack mindset and is already starving themselves of goodness, could easily misread this work and misconstrue the message, thinking they should detach from the world in unhealthy ways.
One of my hangups with books like this is that there is the insinuation that parts of being human are wrong. There's nothing wrong with having an ego. There's also nothing wrong with attachment nor desire... we are biologically hardwired for these things, and with good reason. It's all about balance and utilizing these things from a place of wholeness versus lack.
October 25, 2021
I loved this book through the first few sections. It partly hit me at the right time, and clarified the process of awareness and acceptance, which is often described in books on mindfulness, and no less murky for its repetition. But here there was focus on these fundamentals that felt useful and actionable.
It began to lose me later in the book as the references to "God" escalated. I'd forgotten that de Mello was a Jesuit priest when I borrowed the book, but found the majority of the chapters to be secular in tone and Buddhist in philosophy. However, there's a later section of the book called "Union with God" that was too reliant on religious concepts, and became unnecessarily obtuse. What had been a straightforward text became bogged down in capitalized concepts like Heart and Eternal Magnet, not previously explained. It felt out of place, and out of step with the rest of the book, which had been enjoyable.
Fortunately, the section immediately after "Union with God" was again plain and practical and saved the book from losing another star. Overall, some wonderful insights and perspectives!
It began to lose me later in the book as the references to "God" escalated. I'd forgotten that de Mello was a Jesuit priest when I borrowed the book, but found the majority of the chapters to be secular in tone and Buddhist in philosophy. However, there's a later section of the book called "Union with God" that was too reliant on religious concepts, and became unnecessarily obtuse. What had been a straightforward text became bogged down in capitalized concepts like Heart and Eternal Magnet, not previously explained. It felt out of place, and out of step with the rest of the book, which had been enjoyable.
Fortunately, the section immediately after "Union with God" was again plain and practical and saved the book from losing another star. Overall, some wonderful insights and perspectives!
May 20, 2025
When the student is ready, the teacher will come.
I read de Mello's Awareness twice. I found the insights in that to be eye-opening but did not sometimes love the delivery, which feels a little aged.
This book on the other hand hit home. It has Awareness's message without some of the theatrics of delivering it live, which I believe most of Awareness was just capturing lectures. Here de Mello rushes right to the heart of it all: all the sentences that start with "I am" are rubbish. Toss them in the trash because they are only making you unhappy. That advice is the way to unfuck yourself: unfuck your unhappiness, unfuck your relationships, unfuck your money issues, unfuck your stress. Just stop with the thinking that you are anything other than what you are right now. Don't argue with it. Just be it.
He goes a few other directions as well, such as discussing how you can't both have an attachment and have happiness at the same time, which was a phrasing that I never heard before but likely has been delivered to me 90 times.
I see other reviewers recommend Awareness and other books before this one. I'll take the contrary view. This book is simple and direct. It does not go as far afield as Awareness and it also seems simpler. Start here for de Mello.
And for people of religion especially Christianity, take heart: Fr. de Mello does a beautiful job working in the teachings of Jesus into some of the stories in a way that this Catholic-school educated man never considered.
I never ever do this but the moment I finished this book, I started it again.
I read de Mello's Awareness twice. I found the insights in that to be eye-opening but did not sometimes love the delivery, which feels a little aged.
This book on the other hand hit home. It has Awareness's message without some of the theatrics of delivering it live, which I believe most of Awareness was just capturing lectures. Here de Mello rushes right to the heart of it all: all the sentences that start with "I am" are rubbish. Toss them in the trash because they are only making you unhappy. That advice is the way to unfuck yourself: unfuck your unhappiness, unfuck your relationships, unfuck your money issues, unfuck your stress. Just stop with the thinking that you are anything other than what you are right now. Don't argue with it. Just be it.
He goes a few other directions as well, such as discussing how you can't both have an attachment and have happiness at the same time, which was a phrasing that I never heard before but likely has been delivered to me 90 times.
I see other reviewers recommend Awareness and other books before this one. I'll take the contrary view. This book is simple and direct. It does not go as far afield as Awareness and it also seems simpler. Start here for de Mello.
And for people of religion especially Christianity, take heart: Fr. de Mello does a beautiful job working in the teachings of Jesus into some of the stories in a way that this Catholic-school educated man never considered.
I never ever do this but the moment I finished this book, I started it again.
March 24, 2022
This book is somewhat of a guide to total acceptance of oneself and others.No need to strive for perfection because there is no such thing. Dr Mello was a Jesuit Priest and his book was actually banned after being deemed " incompatible" with the catholic faith. Which for me, made it more interesting. You might consider reading some of his quotes from his writings first to get a feel of his writing style and thought process before delving in to his work, as for me, this one was a keeper.
May 10, 2022
Ze dwadzieścia lat nie czytałam książek de Mello, a kiedyś bardzo lubiłam. Tutak skusił mnie tytuł. Przekaz książki dobry, ale niestety odniosłam wrażenie, że przez 200 stron czytałam to samo zdanie, tylko w różnych konfiguracjach. Jestem na nie.
February 12, 2025
Short, spiritual, lots of Buddhist teachings but says “Jesus” a lot too. I just mentally re-phrase that and then bam - the advice is still useful.
It was a free download on audible and I’ll probably listen to it again sometime when I’m trying to get over myself.
It was a free download on audible and I’ll probably listen to it again sometime when I’m trying to get over myself.
September 22, 2021
The first came across Anthony de Mello's name over two decades ago when I picked up The Song of the Bird at a friend's house. The stories in that book fascinated me to no end that I ended up reading them over and over (more than four times, I think). I still remember a few of those stories and do tell them to my loved ones occasionally. Hence it was my pleasure to come across Stop Fixing Yourself and, with my busy schedule, I couldn't wait to steal some time away to enjoy the book.
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT THE BOOK
Stop Fixing Yourself has the clarity and simplicity of Anthony de Mello's other books. It is easy to read and littered with simple stories that illustrate various points, one of which is that there are no spiritual exercises or self-help path to finding happiness. The author says that the more we do these things, the further happiness moves away. On the other hand, doing nothing, he explains, is more likely to get us to our goal than our endless fixation on improving or fixing ourselves.
The themes in this book are timely and a counterpoint to most of what we understand about fulfilment and self-improvement today. Stop Fixing Yourself is a wholesome book to read in its entirety.
DISLIKES
None.
WHO IS IT FOR?
Anyone seeking knowledge and truth about human nature would have a good time reading Stop Fixing Yourself.
Many thanks to Beyond Words Publishing for review copy.
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT THE BOOK
Stop Fixing Yourself has the clarity and simplicity of Anthony de Mello's other books. It is easy to read and littered with simple stories that illustrate various points, one of which is that there are no spiritual exercises or self-help path to finding happiness. The author says that the more we do these things, the further happiness moves away. On the other hand, doing nothing, he explains, is more likely to get us to our goal than our endless fixation on improving or fixing ourselves.
The themes in this book are timely and a counterpoint to most of what we understand about fulfilment and self-improvement today. Stop Fixing Yourself is a wholesome book to read in its entirety.
DISLIKES
None.
WHO IS IT FOR?
Anyone seeking knowledge and truth about human nature would have a good time reading Stop Fixing Yourself.
Many thanks to Beyond Words Publishing for review copy.
July 6, 2022
Not bad, maybe not my idea of a good time. Some things were incitive, some things i didnt agree with. Felt repetitive and jumped all over the place. Just might be an unpopular opinion.
October 31, 2024
The ideas presented are too simplified. It doesn't make it clear how being aware can solve all your problems. It just says it does. As valuable as this topic is, it needs further elaboration.
There's a reason why Vipassana meditation (that teaches awareness) takes a whole 10 days to grasp. So I don't think a short book can do justice.
There's a reason why Vipassana meditation (that teaches awareness) takes a whole 10 days to grasp. So I don't think a short book can do justice.
February 23, 2022
Things to remember
Painful experiences lead to growth. Suffering points out an area in you where you still need to grow. Every negative feeling is useful for awareness, for understanding and for growth.
Beauty isn't a thing, it is a way of looking at things.
The content of your awareness is less important than the quality of your awareness. As the quality improves, your silence will deepen. As your silence deepens, you will experience change and you will discover that revelation is not knowledge, revelation is power. A mysterious power that brings transformation.
When you are angry, you should not look at another person but rather at yourself. What does this irritation tell me about myself. Do I have these traits myself? Is the irritation cause by the expectations I am programming onto that person.
Charity is really self-interest mascarading as altruism. 1) I give myself the pleasure of pleasing myself (often called self-centeredness) 2) I give myself the pleasure of pleasing someone else (it's a more refined self centeredness, more hidden) 3) Doing things so I don't have a bad feeling (acting out of guilt). Good is never as good as when you have no awareness that you are doing good.
For clear thinking u need courage, and an unlabeled vision of reality, devoid of programming. We think that the world will be saved if only we generated more good will and tolerance. That is fault. What would save the world is clear thinking.
Love and freedom is only found when one enjoys each mote as it arises, then allows it to go to be fully receptive to the notes that follow.
The finest act of love you can perform is not an act of service but an act of contemplation, of seeing. When you serve people, you help, support, comfort, eliviate pain. When you see them in their inner beauty and goodness, you transform and create.
Every formula, no matter how sacred is worthless. By understanding it, you will never cease to learn. Each day, you will onserve and understand afresh, the whole process and movement of life and every single thing will be your teacher.
What you are aware of you control, what you are unaware of controls you. You are always a slave to what you are not aware of.
Painful experiences lead to growth. Suffering points out an area in you where you still need to grow. Every negative feeling is useful for awareness, for understanding and for growth.
Beauty isn't a thing, it is a way of looking at things.
The content of your awareness is less important than the quality of your awareness. As the quality improves, your silence will deepen. As your silence deepens, you will experience change and you will discover that revelation is not knowledge, revelation is power. A mysterious power that brings transformation.
When you are angry, you should not look at another person but rather at yourself. What does this irritation tell me about myself. Do I have these traits myself? Is the irritation cause by the expectations I am programming onto that person.
Charity is really self-interest mascarading as altruism. 1) I give myself the pleasure of pleasing myself (often called self-centeredness) 2) I give myself the pleasure of pleasing someone else (it's a more refined self centeredness, more hidden) 3) Doing things so I don't have a bad feeling (acting out of guilt). Good is never as good as when you have no awareness that you are doing good.
For clear thinking u need courage, and an unlabeled vision of reality, devoid of programming. We think that the world will be saved if only we generated more good will and tolerance. That is fault. What would save the world is clear thinking.
Love and freedom is only found when one enjoys each mote as it arises, then allows it to go to be fully receptive to the notes that follow.
The finest act of love you can perform is not an act of service but an act of contemplation, of seeing. When you serve people, you help, support, comfort, eliviate pain. When you see them in their inner beauty and goodness, you transform and create.
Every formula, no matter how sacred is worthless. By understanding it, you will never cease to learn. Each day, you will onserve and understand afresh, the whole process and movement of life and every single thing will be your teacher.
What you are aware of you control, what you are unaware of controls you. You are always a slave to what you are not aware of.
December 31, 2024
This book caught me completely off guard. As someone who generally dislikes most self-help books and is wary of the often superficial approaches to spirituality in mainstream literature, I was amazed by how concise, direct, and deeply honest Stop Fixing Yourself is. It masterfully addresses human existence, the spiritual journey, personal growth, and the actualization of truth in a way that is both simple and profound. Its clarity and unflinching honesty feel like a breath of fresh air, offering truths that are as painful as they are transformative. This is precisely how such topics should be approached. I am delighted that a book like this exists. It is the only book on spirituality that I can recommend to anyone (generally to the public).
A genuine guide on the path to truth is one who doesn’t hesitate to deliver a harsh wake-up call—kicking down the illusions of your existence with relentless honesty, no matter the cost. Depression, psychosis, suicidal thoughts, and other intense states can often be necessary stages, particularly for individuals in Western societies, as they work to integrate fragments of the Truth. Truth actualization demands everything. It’s stark and straightforward. One and simple. Yet, we are the ones who complicate life, creating distractions to distance ourselves from its clarity.
My deepest thanks and respect to the author due to his no-nonsense approach.
A genuine guide on the path to truth is one who doesn’t hesitate to deliver a harsh wake-up call—kicking down the illusions of your existence with relentless honesty, no matter the cost. Depression, psychosis, suicidal thoughts, and other intense states can often be necessary stages, particularly for individuals in Western societies, as they work to integrate fragments of the Truth. Truth actualization demands everything. It’s stark and straightforward. One and simple. Yet, we are the ones who complicate life, creating distractions to distance ourselves from its clarity.
My deepest thanks and respect to the author due to his no-nonsense approach.
August 12, 2025
This is a great book. I might have found it overwhelming if I hadn't read related books before. I think it was good that I read The Let Them theory first. So many concepts are interwoven with other stuff I have studied.
March 25, 2025
This book uses lot of words to say the same thing over and over: it’s all good.
September 16, 2025
a bit extreme in some places but overall i get the sentiment.
August 24, 2021
Great book. Came at the perfect time for me. Love the insights within. I’ll look to read more of his work after finishing this book for sure.
August 28, 2025
I really loved the premise of this book. It was easy to follow and is written in a way that made a lot of sense. it got more religious than I expected and that just isn’t for me and I didn’t relate as much then. But that is also on me because I didn’t realize it was a religious book when I started it.
June 24, 2021
The ideas in the book are wonderful but the book as a whole lacked coherence.
For people who have read "Awareness" and "The Way to Love" by the same author and have seen his videos, the book feels more like a compilation than an actual new thing.
For people who never read Anthony de Mello, I feel it would be better to start with "Awareness" than with this one.
For people who have read "Awareness" and "The Way to Love" by the same author and have seen his videos, the book feels more like a compilation than an actual new thing.
For people who never read Anthony de Mello, I feel it would be better to start with "Awareness" than with this one.
February 21, 2022
What was I thinking. I am way too much of a heathen for this messaging. The only thing I liked about it was the voice of the narrator on the audiobook.
January 6, 2023
Trzeba się przekonać samemu. Moje polecenie czytania czy nieczytania niema znaczenia
March 14, 2024
If you are habitually undermining your happiness and you have temporarily lost yourself to the hedonic treadmill - this is a satisfying read.
January 24, 2025
Contraintuitive approach to health. Some of the stuff didnt resonate so 3.5/5
March 7, 2025
Summary: A book that is hard to recommend, because it needs a lot of caveating. The right person will find it helpful, most will not.
I have a ambivalent attitude toward reading the mystics. I value mystical thinking and practice, but I tend to find reading them an exercise in frustration. Mystics are often vague and contradictory. They often use language in unusual ways. But there is often still real help there.
Part of my ongoing reading about discernment is about how we apply what we learn even when there is not definitive directions. I was listening to a talk by Sean Rowe, the new presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church and he said (my paraphrase) that we like to talk about discernment, and discernment is good, but the point of discernment is to eventually chose a path and follow it. That is a helpful point and one that I think DeMello needs to hear (or say).
What DeMello is doing here is not saying, "give up and stay where you are," but "acknowledge where you are and pay attention." His rough summary is that we don't change by trying to force ourselves to do hard things, but by paying attention and allowing the Holy Spirit to bring awareness to us.
A lot of the emphasis early in the book is not on changing to "get something" but to become content in all things. Again, this is both true and problematic. It is true to the extent that we should be content in all things, but not true to the extent that we simply accept injustice without complaint. I feel like this is similar to Dallas Willard's advice/comment that a mature person should be very hard to offend. And to the extent that you should not personally be offended, I agree. But to the extend that we are not offended about the things that offend God, I disagree.
The shift to part two raises a lot of concerns. In part one, his language is about beliving in yourself. He doesn't use the language of manifesting, but I think he is using some of the ideas that overlap with manifesting. I get concerned about that type of rhetoric because while there is some truth to needing to believe in yourself and be confident that something is possible, there are limits. Simply beliving that good things will happen will not make them true. But the rhetoric at the start of section two is even more problematic.
"What causes unhappiness...there is only one cause of unhappiness. The false beliefs in your head." I understand in context what he is trying to say. He isn’t explicitly denying that wrong things in the world exist. But he is framing unhappiness as how we respond. Stephen Covey’s point about our response is the space between the stimuli and our action is similar to what DeMello is trying to say. There is a need to help people see that the space between stimuli and response exists, but I don't think it is helpful to put everything on that space.
In particular now with the current administration's explicit plan to overwhelm the news media and the bureaucracy with a barrage of orders and news so that it is impossible to have an adequate response, we do need to emphasize that space between stimuli and action. But it feels like he is playing games with semantics, not unlike the “Sin of Empathy” discussion. Empathy has a common definition. But the “Sin of Empathy” crowd is redefining empathy to be sinful by defining it as a type of codependent enmeshment or abusive manipulation. It is entirely possible to have a discussion about codependent enmeshment or abusive manipulation without denigrating the virtue of empathy.
In that similar way, DeMello seems to be redefining Happiness not as an emotion or a type of joy or pleasure at the world, but solely as a divine gift of contentment. There is a God given gift of contentment that the mystics have told us about for a long time, but that isn’t usually described as “happiness” and to define it that way using that word seems to intentionally create confusion.
Much of the rest of the book has similar problems of either using words oddly, or asking us to withdraw from our emotional response to adopt a type of Buddhist-like detachment. I understand that some people may find that helpful. But I think many Chrsitians have already been taught to mistrust emotions and those Christians who already mistrust emotions do not need additional instruction about the problems of emotion. Emotion is part of how we were created. Emotions can be distorted because of sin and experience. But the solution to that is healing, not continued distrust of emotion.
I originally posted this on my blog at https://bookwi.se/stop-fixing-yourself/
I have a ambivalent attitude toward reading the mystics. I value mystical thinking and practice, but I tend to find reading them an exercise in frustration. Mystics are often vague and contradictory. They often use language in unusual ways. But there is often still real help there.
Part of my ongoing reading about discernment is about how we apply what we learn even when there is not definitive directions. I was listening to a talk by Sean Rowe, the new presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church and he said (my paraphrase) that we like to talk about discernment, and discernment is good, but the point of discernment is to eventually chose a path and follow it. That is a helpful point and one that I think DeMello needs to hear (or say).
What DeMello is doing here is not saying, "give up and stay where you are," but "acknowledge where you are and pay attention." His rough summary is that we don't change by trying to force ourselves to do hard things, but by paying attention and allowing the Holy Spirit to bring awareness to us.
A lot of the emphasis early in the book is not on changing to "get something" but to become content in all things. Again, this is both true and problematic. It is true to the extent that we should be content in all things, but not true to the extent that we simply accept injustice without complaint. I feel like this is similar to Dallas Willard's advice/comment that a mature person should be very hard to offend. And to the extent that you should not personally be offended, I agree. But to the extend that we are not offended about the things that offend God, I disagree.
The shift to part two raises a lot of concerns. In part one, his language is about beliving in yourself. He doesn't use the language of manifesting, but I think he is using some of the ideas that overlap with manifesting. I get concerned about that type of rhetoric because while there is some truth to needing to believe in yourself and be confident that something is possible, there are limits. Simply beliving that good things will happen will not make them true. But the rhetoric at the start of section two is even more problematic.
"What causes unhappiness...there is only one cause of unhappiness. The false beliefs in your head." I understand in context what he is trying to say. He isn’t explicitly denying that wrong things in the world exist. But he is framing unhappiness as how we respond. Stephen Covey’s point about our response is the space between the stimuli and our action is similar to what DeMello is trying to say. There is a need to help people see that the space between stimuli and response exists, but I don't think it is helpful to put everything on that space.
In particular now with the current administration's explicit plan to overwhelm the news media and the bureaucracy with a barrage of orders and news so that it is impossible to have an adequate response, we do need to emphasize that space between stimuli and action. But it feels like he is playing games with semantics, not unlike the “Sin of Empathy” discussion. Empathy has a common definition. But the “Sin of Empathy” crowd is redefining empathy to be sinful by defining it as a type of codependent enmeshment or abusive manipulation. It is entirely possible to have a discussion about codependent enmeshment or abusive manipulation without denigrating the virtue of empathy.
In that similar way, DeMello seems to be redefining Happiness not as an emotion or a type of joy or pleasure at the world, but solely as a divine gift of contentment. There is a God given gift of contentment that the mystics have told us about for a long time, but that isn’t usually described as “happiness” and to define it that way using that word seems to intentionally create confusion.
Much of the rest of the book has similar problems of either using words oddly, or asking us to withdraw from our emotional response to adopt a type of Buddhist-like detachment. I understand that some people may find that helpful. But I think many Chrsitians have already been taught to mistrust emotions and those Christians who already mistrust emotions do not need additional instruction about the problems of emotion. Emotion is part of how we were created. Emotions can be distorted because of sin and experience. But the solution to that is healing, not continued distrust of emotion.
I originally posted this on my blog at https://bookwi.se/stop-fixing-yourself/
June 30, 2025
-renunță la ideile tale false!
-fericirea nu vine din exterior/carieră/relații/locuri/practici spirituale. Acestea oferă doar placeri trecătoare care duc la suferință când le pierzi și la plictiseală când le păstrezi. Când înțelegi cu adevărat asta încetezi să cauți în afara ta ceea ce poate fi găsit doar în interior
-atașamentul nu e un fapt, ci un sentiment format în minte, influențat de cum ai fost crescut si ce ai trăit. E o parte din felul în care vezi și simți lumea nu o realitate absolută
-ca să poți vedea lumea așa cum este ea cu adevărat, trebuie mai întâi să te cunoști pe tine însuți și să te desprinzi de propriile atașamente și temeri. Doar atunci vei putea privi lucrurile cu claritate, dincolo de filtrele dorințelor si fricilor tale
-iubirea adevărată înseamnă sa fii deschis la frumusețea fiecărui om și lucru ea nu exclude pe nimeni și vede viața ca o simfonie unitară, nu ca părți separate
-nefericirea, atât a ta cât și a celor din jur, nu este cauzată de situații externe precum singurătatea sau ura, ci de convingerile false adânc înrădăcinate in minte
-ceea ce conștientizezi, poți controla. Ceea ce nu conștientizezi, te controlează pe tine. Ești mereu sclavul a ceea ce nu vezi în tine
-pentru om, cele mai grele lucruri sunt să răspundă cu iubire la ură, sa-i accepte pe cei respinși și să recunoască că a greșit, dar toate devin ușoare când nu te mai identifici cu ego-ul
-familiaritatea duce la stagnare, orbire + plictiseală
•Convingerea
-când te-ai convins de ceva despre o persoană/situație, sensibilitatea ta scade.
-începi să vezi persoana doar prin prisma acelei prejudecăți
-devii defensiv, afectuos doar în anumite condiții, percepția ți se alterează.
-nu mai vezi persoana „clipă de clipă”, ci te raportezi la trecut
•Atașamentul
-când ești atașat de ceva, excluzi involuntar alte lucruri
-devii insensibil la tot ce nu face parte din obiectul atașamentului tău
-tânjești după trecut si nu te poți deschide către noi experiențe
•Frica:
-reprezintă tensiunea si anxietatea care duc la moartea iubirii
-împiedică libertatea interioară și bucuria de a iubi
-iubirea adevărată apare doar când omul e capabil să se bucure de fiecare clipă, notă cu notă, și să le lase să treacă
-fericirea nu vine din exterior/carieră/relații/locuri/practici spirituale. Acestea oferă doar placeri trecătoare care duc la suferință când le pierzi și la plictiseală când le păstrezi. Când înțelegi cu adevărat asta încetezi să cauți în afara ta ceea ce poate fi găsit doar în interior
-atașamentul nu e un fapt, ci un sentiment format în minte, influențat de cum ai fost crescut si ce ai trăit. E o parte din felul în care vezi și simți lumea nu o realitate absolută
-ca să poți vedea lumea așa cum este ea cu adevărat, trebuie mai întâi să te cunoști pe tine însuți și să te desprinzi de propriile atașamente și temeri. Doar atunci vei putea privi lucrurile cu claritate, dincolo de filtrele dorințelor si fricilor tale
-iubirea adevărată înseamnă sa fii deschis la frumusețea fiecărui om și lucru ea nu exclude pe nimeni și vede viața ca o simfonie unitară, nu ca părți separate
-nefericirea, atât a ta cât și a celor din jur, nu este cauzată de situații externe precum singurătatea sau ura, ci de convingerile false adânc înrădăcinate in minte
-ceea ce conștientizezi, poți controla. Ceea ce nu conștientizezi, te controlează pe tine. Ești mereu sclavul a ceea ce nu vezi în tine
-pentru om, cele mai grele lucruri sunt să răspundă cu iubire la ură, sa-i accepte pe cei respinși și să recunoască că a greșit, dar toate devin ușoare când nu te mai identifici cu ego-ul
-familiaritatea duce la stagnare, orbire + plictiseală
•Convingerea
-când te-ai convins de ceva despre o persoană/situație, sensibilitatea ta scade.
-începi să vezi persoana doar prin prisma acelei prejudecăți
-devii defensiv, afectuos doar în anumite condiții, percepția ți se alterează.
-nu mai vezi persoana „clipă de clipă”, ci te raportezi la trecut
•Atașamentul
-când ești atașat de ceva, excluzi involuntar alte lucruri
-devii insensibil la tot ce nu face parte din obiectul atașamentului tău
-tânjești după trecut si nu te poți deschide către noi experiențe
•Frica:
-reprezintă tensiunea si anxietatea care duc la moartea iubirii
-împiedică libertatea interioară și bucuria de a iubi
-iubirea adevărată apare doar când omul e capabil să se bucure de fiecare clipă, notă cu notă, și să le lase să treacă
September 28, 2025
I'm glad I stuck with this past the opening, which was giving some rather culty vibes, something about the introductions was rather off putting in that sense.
However, Stop Fixing Yourself gives a lot of food for thought, but I don't think you should be consuming it if you're desperately seeking something, as with any book which proports to have 'simple' answers and poses many questions as rhetorical and answers other for you, you should go into it actively reading and with your critical analysis skills firmly on.
That's not to say I believe de Mello is trying to mislead, but this is the type of content a more sinister person could, and indeed has, used in the past to convince people that the key to happiness is to abandon all worldly goods and come labour on their commune.
I particularly liked and found meaning in de Mello's description of what happiness actually is as opposed to what we, and society, in general believe it to be, it was a novel concept and good for thought.
He lost me however at the notion of giving love to all and how their actions and how you feel towards them are really your perceptions caused by labels you have applied to them. I understand his point, and in certain cases he is correct, however it can be dangerous and unsafe if applied to people who are essentially toxic for you (I know, a label I shouldn't be using) this gives room for their abuse to continue, none of which is conductive to growth.
Thoughts on the "me" and "I" were intriguing, and I think there is some truth to his idea of "being", such as accepting a state of depression is happening, but not characterising yourself as a depressed person (although I've likely just butchered that idea there), but again, such simplistic ideas actually require much critical thinking and engagement from the reader, it can't be just as simple as viewing, accepting and throwing your anti-depressants away.
All in all, this is well worth a read and poses some intriguing, useful, and thought provoking ideas, just ensure you're in the right frame of mind to do so, and not being coerced by a third party attempting to indoctrinate you by using these teachings here for their own ends.
However, Stop Fixing Yourself gives a lot of food for thought, but I don't think you should be consuming it if you're desperately seeking something, as with any book which proports to have 'simple' answers and poses many questions as rhetorical and answers other for you, you should go into it actively reading and with your critical analysis skills firmly on.
That's not to say I believe de Mello is trying to mislead, but this is the type of content a more sinister person could, and indeed has, used in the past to convince people that the key to happiness is to abandon all worldly goods and come labour on their commune.
I particularly liked and found meaning in de Mello's description of what happiness actually is as opposed to what we, and society, in general believe it to be, it was a novel concept and good for thought.
He lost me however at the notion of giving love to all and how their actions and how you feel towards them are really your perceptions caused by labels you have applied to them. I understand his point, and in certain cases he is correct, however it can be dangerous and unsafe if applied to people who are essentially toxic for you (I know, a label I shouldn't be using) this gives room for their abuse to continue, none of which is conductive to growth.
Thoughts on the "me" and "I" were intriguing, and I think there is some truth to his idea of "being", such as accepting a state of depression is happening, but not characterising yourself as a depressed person (although I've likely just butchered that idea there), but again, such simplistic ideas actually require much critical thinking and engagement from the reader, it can't be just as simple as viewing, accepting and throwing your anti-depressants away.
All in all, this is well worth a read and poses some intriguing, useful, and thought provoking ideas, just ensure you're in the right frame of mind to do so, and not being coerced by a third party attempting to indoctrinate you by using these teachings here for their own ends.
May 5, 2024
Anthony de Mello — a Jesuit priest and psychotherapist from India — died in 1987, but books by him keep coming out. This one appears to be cobbled together from the transcript of a presentation given at a spiritual retreat, although it's clearly been updated as there's a reference to smartphones.
I found myself impatient with the book's first third because it's a rudimentary summary of what's been covered many times in his other works. But then he starts hitting the reader with deep stuff — told simply — that really challenges people who are dabblers and not too serious about the spiritual path. It's mystic, mostly Buddhist but with a good dose of Christianity, Sufism and the Upanishads.
His ultimate message is to stop beating yourself up, everything of importance is available to you right now in the present moment. It's a generic message but he is brilliant in how he tells stories and parables and in how he pushes his readers/listeners to truly grapple with what it means to be one with God.
3.5 stars rounded up.
I've read all of his books in English, I think, but I've only reviewed a few on Goodreads. Here are ones I have:
* 5 stars: "Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality"
* 4 stars: "One Minute Wisdom"
* 1 star: "Awakening: Conversations with the Masters"
I found myself impatient with the book's first third because it's a rudimentary summary of what's been covered many times in his other works. But then he starts hitting the reader with deep stuff — told simply — that really challenges people who are dabblers and not too serious about the spiritual path. It's mystic, mostly Buddhist but with a good dose of Christianity, Sufism and the Upanishads.
His ultimate message is to stop beating yourself up, everything of importance is available to you right now in the present moment. It's a generic message but he is brilliant in how he tells stories and parables and in how he pushes his readers/listeners to truly grapple with what it means to be one with God.
3.5 stars rounded up.
I've read all of his books in English, I think, but I've only reviewed a few on Goodreads. Here are ones I have:
* 5 stars: "Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality"
* 4 stars: "One Minute Wisdom"
* 1 star: "Awakening: Conversations with the Masters"
July 29, 2025
This is the first self help book that truly felt like hot air.
Dont be defined by external expectations. Be aware that you do not have to live up to made up goals.
It feels like a contradiction. Do we not set goals to have a meaning in life? As a means to an end? We shouldnt be defining ourselves depending on the fact if we meet these goals, but most of the time we pride ourselves on these accomplishments that are closely interwoven with these goals.
I suppose there is a fineline between things we want to do, like being an athlete, an authot or a good person and the goals we set to be that such as placing first in a race, having your books sold or earning as much money and being financially in good standing to be able to give to those in need.
Priding one self on winning a race isnt the same as giving your all. Being an author and to bring your ideas to live isnt the same as being chosen by the public. Financial independence is nice, but the circumstances for that to happen are mostly out of your reach.
None of this is said in the book, and i am just trying to think about the reason why the author was so vague.
Dont be defined by external expectations. Be aware that you do not have to live up to made up goals.
It feels like a contradiction. Do we not set goals to have a meaning in life? As a means to an end? We shouldnt be defining ourselves depending on the fact if we meet these goals, but most of the time we pride ourselves on these accomplishments that are closely interwoven with these goals.
I suppose there is a fineline between things we want to do, like being an athlete, an authot or a good person and the goals we set to be that such as placing first in a race, having your books sold or earning as much money and being financially in good standing to be able to give to those in need.
Priding one self on winning a race isnt the same as giving your all. Being an author and to bring your ideas to live isnt the same as being chosen by the public. Financial independence is nice, but the circumstances for that to happen are mostly out of your reach.
None of this is said in the book, and i am just trying to think about the reason why the author was so vague.
August 4, 2022
60% of this book went over my head since a bit abstract at times but the 40% I started digesting in the moment were simple yet profound revelations for myself. Kind of book I’ll be revisiting chapters every so often since you don’t really need to read in order
Some key takeaways atm:
1) Noticing things you’re attached to (tangible or intangible)
2) Being ok with silence. When you start fidgeting observing why and what thoughts go in and out of your brain
3) Observing moments of pure presence (love joy grief pain elatedness) where no other thought enters your mind other than what you’re doing right then
4) When irritated asking yourself what about you in that moment is making you irritated
I was initially doubtful whether I’d see the book to the end but you slowly start picking up on ideas Di Mello digs into without realizing
Some key takeaways atm:
1) Noticing things you’re attached to (tangible or intangible)
2) Being ok with silence. When you start fidgeting observing why and what thoughts go in and out of your brain
3) Observing moments of pure presence (love joy grief pain elatedness) where no other thought enters your mind other than what you’re doing right then
4) When irritated asking yourself what about you in that moment is making you irritated
I was initially doubtful whether I’d see the book to the end but you slowly start picking up on ideas Di Mello digs into without realizing
June 1, 2022
I have read many books to improve myself as a person, from those I read when I was young to books on spirituality.
But I found the solution in a simple book “Stop Fixing Yourself: Wake Up, All Is Well” by Anthony de Mello.
As some friends say “we were happy but we didn't know it”, comparing the previous administration with the current one. Well, the book tells us that we are happy, we just have to wake up.
The book is very in tune with the philosophy of Buddhism, especially Zen Buddhism, which is one of the three philosophies that, in my opinion, are more accurate in their descriptions of God and the world.
I loved it
But I found the solution in a simple book “Stop Fixing Yourself: Wake Up, All Is Well” by Anthony de Mello.
As some friends say “we were happy but we didn't know it”, comparing the previous administration with the current one. Well, the book tells us that we are happy, we just have to wake up.
The book is very in tune with the philosophy of Buddhism, especially Zen Buddhism, which is one of the three philosophies that, in my opinion, are more accurate in their descriptions of God and the world.
I loved it
December 15, 2023
Easy read, Insightful
This book has short chapters of useful information. Anthony de Mello gets to the heart of our issues quickly in each section. He directs the reader to the exact reasons of why we feel broken, unfulfilled and sad or depressed. I recommend reading his book Awareness first. We must be aware of ourselves instead of frustrated by our negative actions and thoughts, this is how one will evolve.
This book has short chapters of useful information. Anthony de Mello gets to the heart of our issues quickly in each section. He directs the reader to the exact reasons of why we feel broken, unfulfilled and sad or depressed. I recommend reading his book Awareness first. We must be aware of ourselves instead of frustrated by our negative actions and thoughts, this is how one will evolve.
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