How to Survive a Human Attack: A Guide for Werewolves, Mummies, Cyborgs, Ghosts, Nuclear Mutants, and Other Movie Monsters

by K.E. Flann

Did you know human attacks account for a staggering 100 percent of premature deaths for witches, swamp monsters, cyborgs, and other supernatural, mutant, and exceptionally large beings? The past millennia or so has seen not only an uptick in human attacks, but also increasingly indiscriminate victim selection. It is understandable to feel overwhelmed. From renowned preternaturalist K. E. Flann, How to Survive a Human Attack provides critical information at a critical time with chapters specifically tailored to their target audience, ·  A Zombie’s Guide to Filling the Emptiness and Moving Forward ·  First-Time Haunter’s Guide for Ghosts, Spirits, Poltergeists, Specters, and Wraiths ·  Self-Training 101 for Sit, Don’t Speak, Stay Alive! ·  What’s Happening to My Body?: Radioactive Mutants and the Safety of the Nuclear Family

Genres: Humor, Horror, Fantasy, Fiction, Science Fiction, Comedy

256 pages, Paperback

Published September 7, 2021

About the author

Renowned preternaturalist, K.E. Flann, holds PhD’s in disciplines that include Covert Forestry, Urban Disorganization, Robust Outdoor Pursuits, Human Husbandry & Management, and Inter-dimensional Cooperation.

At the Ministry of Preternatural Resources, Flann serves as Cranial Impact Assessment Officer, drawing upon years of experience with paved areas, including Food Lion and the gas station, to ensure safe passage for visitors to the human world. During a distinguished career, Flann designed activities now accepted as best practice for introducing preternatural beings to their surroundings – these include human petting zoos, chasing demonstrations, and audio tours with rentable headsets.

The beautiful Preternature Center is where Flann declines to answer questions from school children, the general population, or workers servicing the snack machines. With the exception of occasional guided public hikes to botanical landfills, during which visitors can collect parking fees, Flann maintains a general disconnect from human society. This lack of commitment provides the trustworthy voice on which supernatural, mutant, and AI beings have come to rely for objective guidance.

Inspired by Roman thinker, Juvenal, who famously said, “It is difficult not to write satire,” Flann eschews difficulty by penning work for McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Weekly Humorist, Points in Case, Frazzled, Greener Pastures, Monkeybicycle, and other publications.

Reviews

[Sean Gibson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is only exceedingly hysterical.

[Rachel Craig · Rating 3 out of 5]

A fun read for anyone who always rooted for the monsters.

[Patricia · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fun read! Love the swamp monster makeover and vampire tech advice chapters! We all need to complete the workbook for cyborgs on decoding angry feelings. Not for the monster purists..

[Kat Darling · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very cute, clever, and fun palette cleanser of a read, filled with helpful tips for monsters alike!

[Cass (all too tired) · Rating 3 out of 5]

A funny and interesting concept, but a boring execution. For me there was too much information dumped onto one page for me to comprehend and enjoy everything. Nonetheless, I read it, had a bit of fun, and giggled over the different ways to interpret a human.

[Kevin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Clever idea. It's all in the title. But the illustrations are fun.

[J · Rating 1 out of 5]

I am usually a sucker for anything that is paranormal-related and/or monster so I thought that this would be a great read. As a result I was excited to see how the author would be able to pull this off while keeping it entertaining and relative to the lore of those Hollywood creatures.

Instead I have to say that I was rather disappointed. First of all each of the entries is made to be like a self-help book or guide, which they were definitely not all made to be equal. The werewolf one didn't take into consideration that there were other "were" creatures out there and just basically mentioned the lycan should allow itself to be trained as well as kept like a dog, the automaton/robot one was wretched in the fact that it gave pointers to be more human and the ghosts just basically was pushing on how to haunt an abandoned house other real estate. These concepts although I can see where they may possibly help the "affected" are boring while just basically helping the creatures to fly under the radar instead of coexisting.

The best part of the book to me was the one for the horde/swarm/flock though as it was basically a HR-hire-on-manual.

Furthermore the book also does relate quite a bit on pop culture both modern horror and past while it seemed so cliche that all I could do was favor an eye roll. For those who are into horror creatures and their saving from the human race this is so not the book for you.

[Chris · Rating 2 out of 5]

As a disclaimer, I find I usually don't like comedy. Which, perhaps, made this a bad fit for me.

The idea is that each chapter is a send up of different kinds of how to or self help books. The witch chapter is a send up of women in the workplace advice, the mummy chapter is like a home security guide, the Creature from the Black Lagoon chapter is a fashion guide, etc.

And the chapters are sometimes (maybe usually) clever. I did enjoy the witch chapter and the swarm chapter. But other times they're too on the nose. Like the vampire chapter felt like just a 'how to use the internet and be safe on social media' guide with vampire jokes thrown in.

The humor didn't land for me either. It wasn't quite 'lol so random' humor but it was things like "how to identify a human? are they bipedal? wearing jeggings? are they drunk and talking about boats? it might be human! but also maybe an ostrich (paraphrase of page 21)" where it was these general, super specific and then random but still technically accurate traits.

Towards the end, I started thinking this book was like talking to someone who's constantly cracking dumb jokes that aren't funny but occasionally something slips through and makes me crack a smile. And then I'm annoyed because that just encourages them.

I'm going with two stars because I can still recognize the humor, it just doesn't land for me.

[Richard Pulfer · Rating 3 out of 5]

So this book shows how a movie monster would survive an encounter with one or more humans. It's got a lot going for it - it has a unique premise, tons of horror call-out's, and more than a few laugh-out-loud moments.

That being said, I wish it was a little bit more consistent. It jumps around a lot - there's a chapter on werewolves, a chapter on lake creatures, another on Kaiju and yet another on mummies. Some of the chapters are quite funny, but others don't hit as well, usually because the angle doesn't always work (I did love the Kaiju section was written in exclusively large print . . . since this book would be quite small for them).

In summary, it's a bit hit-or-miss. I also thought it was a little strange that it never mentioned that many monsters - including werewolves, ghosts, zombies and vampires to name a few - used to be human at one point. I was surprised the book didn't mention this. But the illustrations are a lot of fun, and the book itself doesn't take that long to read, so it's recommended . . . with a very monstrous caveats.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really is a love letter to the creatures of horror—werewolves, zombies, giant lizards, and much more. But it's also an excellent satire of the many varied forms of how-to and self-help literature out there. The survival guide for witches reads like a "how to empower yourself in the workplace" guide; the tips for vampires basically constitute a guide-for-old-folks to computers; the chapter for swarms and hordes is an employee manual for someone working for an enormous and faceless corporation; the section for mummies is a brochure for a home security system; best of all, the guide for mutants is a take on self-help books for teenagers going through puberty. (Big changes are happening to you and your body!) Bottom line: this book is a lot of fun and sharply incisive.

[Sonja Ryst · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a great parody on the “how to guidebook” genre! It’s funny – e.g., it describes how a centuries-old vampire might grapple with the Internet, highlights the irony of needing attention when you’re a swamp monster, and points out that zombies have a capacity for togetherness that humans can’t understand. At the same time, by taking a unique point of view on humanity, it makes thought-provoking comments about the world we live in today. (Spoiler alert: the monsters don’t think too highly of us!)

[David Allenson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fun idea and well-written.

One thing that I enjoyed was that the different chapters are written as different types of advice. This meant that some really hit the point FOR ME while others fell flat. I especially loved the vampire chapter written as an "Intro to the Internet for retirees." and Mummies as "Home Security Package". The "Employee Orientation" for Swarms did not.

And I'll repeat, the parts that I didn't connect to are just as well-written and clever.

I was chuckling through the book. Highly recommended.

[Elle Hartford · Rating 5 out of 5]

Overall, I found this book to be extremely inventive and clever. I originally picked it up on a whim as potential inspiration for a short story or new character down the line (I write mystery/fantasy, so survival is relevant, haha)--but I imagine horror or supernatural fans would love it too. And, of course, if you’re a masquerading monster of any kind, this book is a must-have (along with my congratulations for having made it this far!). 😉

Check out my full review at:
https://ellehartford.com/book-review-...

[Jackie Gommess · Rating 3 out of 5]

Absolutely hilarious! I liked it :D Each monster type had its own chapter, and each had a different angle to address that monsters needs. For example, the ghost section was written as a guide for first-time home buyers, except the ghosts are looking for the right house to haunt. Or the chapter about monster species that swarm or have a hive mind was written as a new employee handbook, except instead of threatening termination for not following rules, it was extermination, lol. Quite entertaining, and it's filled with funny references to well-known monster movies.

[Jen Grow · Rating 5 out of 5]

K.E. Flann is one of the funniest writers I've read. This book will not disappoint. It's a great satire of our self-help culture and recognizes that--even if you're a monster or some other freak of nature--we all need a little compassionate guidance from time to time. Flann's humor is sharp and insightful, and How to Survive a Human Attack is a lot of fun to read!

[Celeste · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think this is one of those instances where the concept is better than the execution. Some chapters made me laugh out loud. They poked fun a self help culture, how humans behave, how humans look, and made monster pop culture regencies. That was great. But there were other chapters and sections that were just there, okay.

[Scott Martin · Rating 2 out of 5]

(2.5 stars) A lot of tongue-in-cheek humor here. This “guide” should help the standard acme movie monster deal with those pesky, dangerous humans. Takes all the standard tropes about these monsters/villains and offers some “useful” ways to adapt. Funnier if you happen to follow enough of these movies. A fun read, but nothing beyond that.

[Miriam · Rating 1 out of 5]

Writing comedy is hard. Parodies are harder still. This one fails on all accounts. The voice changes from chapter to chapter without rhyme or reason. There is no unique insight into the weirdness that is humanity. Everything is hackneyed. Or at least that's what I suspect because I couldn't actually finish the book which is HIGHLY unusual for me.

[Gary · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is very very funny, even as it made me assess my humanness and contemplate the oppression we have rendered to monsters. If you are a monster then it'll be helpful! The illustrations are beautiful.

[cobwebbing · Rating 2 out of 5]

Humor is subjective and all that. This just didn't vibe with me; it felt like it was aimed at someone with a very dry sense of humor. There were also a couple of weird potshots about feminism that had me raising my eyebrows.

[Christine Grillo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Flann is a master of keeping a straight face. This book shines a hilarious light on human behavior and made me re-think some of the human behaviors and notions I take for granted. One of the funniest books I've ever read!

[Vivian Wolkoff · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a good joke that was taken too far. It's not that this book is bad or anything. It's just that it would have been better if had been 50 pages shorter.
3☆

[Andrei Barbu · Rating 2 out of 5]

Neat at the beginning but really tedious toward the end. One joke can't carry an entire book.

[Sam Veltre · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fun, silly, but well written book containing many short vignettes stylized in different self help guides for different 'monsters' from fiction. Some were more funny than others but I will chalk that up to me differing levels of liking the style of writing or the monsters involved.

Lots and lots of easter eggs for each type of monster and their fiction representations. Highly recommended for horror fans or general Sci-Fi fans who love a fun creative read.

[Gina · Rating 2 out of 5]

It started out strong but I was tired of it by the end. If it were shorter or in serial form it would be more entertaining. Not best read from beginning to end.

[E.F. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Delightful!

[Steven Schend · Rating 3 out of 5]

Satirical look at how to adapt to being a supernatural being in an all-too-human world....

[Ana]

DNF
It was cute, occasionally funny. Not my cup of tea.

[Justice · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great concept. At times clever and funny but never quite either often enough to really keep me engaged. Really a 2.5 star book if I could do half stars.

[Selina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting idea and writing, but execution was quite bland at times.