The Forgiveness Tour: How To Find the Perfect Apology

by Susan Shapiro

How Apologies Can Help You Move Forward With Your Life “To err is human; to forgive divine.” But what if the person who hurt you most refuses to apologize or express any regret? That’s the question haunting Manhattan journalist Susan Shapiro when her trusted advisor of fifteen years repeatedly lies to her. Stunned by the betrayal, she can barely eat or sleep. She’s always seen herself as big-hearted and benevolent, someone who will forgive anyone anything —as long as they’re remorseful. Yet the addiction specialist who helped her quit smoking, drinking, and drugs after decades of self-destruction won’t explain—or stop—his ongoing deceit, leaving her blindsided. Her crisis management strategy is becoming her crisis. To protect her sanity and sobriety, Shapiro ends their relationship and vows they’ll never speak again. Yet ghosting him doesn’t end her distress. She has screaming arguments with him in her mind, relives their fallout in panicked nightmares and even lights a candle, chanting a secret Yiddish curse to exact revenge. In her entrancing, heartfelt new memoir The Forgiveness How to Find the Perfect Apology, Shapiro wrestles with  how to exonerate someone who can’t cough up a measly “my bad” or mumble “mea culpa.” Seeking wisdom, she explores the billion-dollar forgiveness industry touting the personal benefits of absolution, where the only choice on every channel radical forgiveness. She fears it’s all bullshit.   Desperate for enlightenment, she surveys her old rabbis, as well as religious leaders from every denomination. Unable to reconcile all  the confusing abstractions, she embarks on a cross country journey where she interviews  people  who suffered unforgivable wrongs that were never victims of genocides,  sexual assault, infidelity, cruelty and racism. A Holocaust survivor in D.C. admits he’s thrived from spite. A Michigan man meets with the drunk driver who killed his wife and children. A daughter in Seattle grapples with her mother—who stayed married to the father who raped her. Knowing their estrangement isn’t her fault, a Florida mom spends eight years apologizing to her son anyway—with surprising results. Does love mean forever having to say you’re sorry? Critics praised Shapiro’s previous memoir Lighting How I Stopped Smoking, Drinking and Everything Else I Loved in Life Except Sex as fiercely honest, fascinating, funny and “a mind-bendingly good read.” Now the bestselling author and popular writing professor returns with a darker, wiser follow-up, addressing the universal enigma of blind forgiving.    Shapiro’s brilliant new gurus sooth her broken psyche and answer her burning How can you forgive someone without an apology?  Does she? Should you? 

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction

285 pages, Kindle Edition

Published January 12, 2021

Reviews

[Molly Howes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Susan Shapiro's The Forgiveness Tour takes us on a journey that begins as an emotional ride in response to a relationship betrayal and its painful aftermath. But the road widens into an expansive spiritual, philosophical, and personal exploration of harm and repair. Ms. Shapiro interviews characters from a wide range of life situations, religious traditions, and particular injuries - each one of which she asks what is needed to make a good, effective apology. As she continues to learn, her relationships with important people evolve, as does her understanding of what happened to her. This is an informative and deeply satisfying read.

[Marie Bruno · Rating 5 out of 5]

Are you waiting for an apology? How many hours have you stewed over how you were wronged? If you could script the apology you feel you're owed, what would it look like?

After a shared betrayal by both her mentor and a mentee, Susan Shapiro enters a depression. Neither party satisfactorily apologizes. Worse yet, the mentor that she's relied upon for 15-years to navigate such times, and thought of as a friend, can no longer be called upon to help guide her through the mess of emotions. She begins a quest to learn more about forgiveness, and in the process, learns how to move on from past hurts while owning her personal shortcomings.

We have a tendency to get caught up in our own life and often neglect to see the bigger picture. If we allow ourself to look at past hurts through our betrayers eyes, we may find that we, too, were wrong.

This powerful book was the bonk on the head I needed to get past my own hurts. My long overdue apologies are being drafted, cooked and wired today!

[Ali McPherson · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Forgiveness Tour is everything you expect it to be, a book that aims to provide nuance on the traditional apology and what it means to truly move on and forgive. Is is possible to forgive a betrayal if someone refuses to apologize? Do we do ourselves a disservice in holding onto anger until said person apologizes? Susan takes us on a journey on how she learned to forgive and the trials and tribulations of forgiveness. It is a road we all must take at some point.

[Keisha Bush · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quick moving, funny at times, and overall an enjoyable read. The interviews are really interesting. My favorite parts of the book are the interviews with religious leaders, specifically, the advice of the Hindu religious leader struck me as grounding and eye-opening, personally.

[Judy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks to Netgalley for an ARC.3.5 rounded up. I just finished this book, it's a quick read. The subject is so important: how do we forgive those who have injured us and what is a meaningful apology, if an apology ever occurs. What about people who forgive the unforgivable for their own peace of mind, how are conflicts resolved. Unfortunately, the book suffered from the author's inability to realize that her injury--a betrayal and unprofessional behavior of her long time, boundary violating therapist--is a "narcissistic injury", as she describes and ultimately the resolution only demonstrates the therapist's continued boundary violations and unprofessional behavior. Their subsequent collaboration on a book doesn't indicate true understanding of professional standards. But, the book explores, via vignettes, many people's search for resolution of injury. This exploration of how to forgiveness is a very important topic. This book is a good start on that exploration, and the flaws are the flaws of an unreliable narrator, which is inherent in a memoir. Intriguing book. It was written about events that occurred 10 years ago, which wasn't made clear until the final chapters: perhaps more reflection would be helpful.

[Chaya Hirsch · Rating 5 out of 5]

I did not expect to like this book as much as I did, but it was great! The short chapters with different stories kept me engaged and wanting to read more, and I was surprised to find that following the author's journey caused me to quietly reflect on situations in my own life. It's the best of both worlds - a book of engaging stories that were easy to read, and a book that gently stimulates reflection without the dogmatic instructional heaviness of a self-help book. I loved this!!

[Kathleen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Have you heard the one about Irish Alzheimers? You forget everything but the grudges. If that is the state in which you dwell, or if there is one big insult that bedevils you, this is the book for you. Inspired by a shocking betrayal, Susan Shapiro went on a quest for the perfect apology, at least for what that apology would be if she ever received it. Along the way she learned the stories of those haunted by incest, ethnic cleansing and that perennial upheaval, adultery. Some made their peace, others did not, but Shapiro has given us a wonderful guide to setting ourselves free, or at least gaining perspective. Maybe it could heal the nation, one person at a time.

[Lexzi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderfully written! Definitely a must-read for 2021. Puts a lot into perspective, and contains a lot of relatable content for many people who left 2020 without receiving closure. A lack of apology holds a lot of weight, we all understand that, but do we all know what a true apology is?

[Isidra Mencos · Rating 5 out of 5]

Susan Shapiro, a writing professor and widely published journalist, grapples with the pain of having been wronged by the person who mentored her for over fifteen years: her therapist. What adds salt to the injury is that he refuses to admit that he did anything wrong, and to apologize. Can you ever forgive someone who doesn’t apologize, wonders Shapiro? Distressed and anxious, she embarks on a journey to explore forgiveness. She interviews people who suffered at the hands of others, as well as spiritual and thought leaders; she researches the “forgiveness industry;” and she analyzes the complex feelings aroused by having been wronged. Some of her interviewees thrived on keeping a grudge, while others could only move forward by forgiving, with or without an apology. You ride with Shapiro through this illuminating journey, while holding your breath to see how she resolves it, not only with her therapist, but also with one of the most important people in her life: her own father.

[Callie Hart · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Brave, Unflinching Exploration of Forgiveness Without Platitudes

The Forgiveness Tour is not a book that flatters the reader with easy answers, and that is precisely its power.

Susan B. Shapiro approaches forgiveness the way a true writer does: skeptically, honestly, and with a refusal to accept slogans in place of truth. What begins as a deeply personal betrayal unfolds into a searching, often uncomfortable inquiry into one of humanity’s most moralized expectations, forgive, even when no apology is offered.

What struck me most as a fellow author was Shapiro’s courage. She does not rush herself, or the reader, toward absolution. Instead, she lingers in the rawness: the insomnia, the obsessive internal arguments, the fury disguised as righteousness. Her prose is intimate without being indulgent, sharp without being cruel, and frequently darkly funny in moments where humor feels like survival rather than relief.

The cross-country journey is where this memoir truly deepens. By listening to voices shaped by genocide, assault, racism, family betrayal, and irreversible loss, Shapiro expands forgiveness beyond theory into lived consequence. These interviews resist moral hierarchy; no one is offered up as a “model forgiver.” Instead, we are given something rarer, permission to acknowledge that forgiveness is not always healing, and sometimes not even just.

As an author, I deeply admired Shapiro’s restraint. She does not center herself as the authority, but as a witness, one brave enough to admit uncertainty. Her willingness to question the billion-dollar forgiveness industry, and to name the pressure it places on the wounded rather than the guilty, feels both timely and necessary.

This is a book for readers who have been told they should forgive but haven’t yet figured out how, Ur whether, they want to. It is also a book for writers, thinkers, and seekers who understand that the most meaningful answers often arrive through asking better questions, not resolving them neatly.

The Forgiveness Tour is fiercely honest, emotionally intelligent, and profoundly humane. It doesn’t teach you how to forgive. It teaches you how to tell the truth about why you might not, and why that truth matters.

Callie Hart

[Dean Loren · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Forgiveness Tour was a great ride especially when you know the person writing about their betrayal. Susan Shapiro is one of the great writers of the current social phenomenon of speed reporting. Shapiro's personal faults, few in nature, are taken to heart. She believes in rules.

A wife of a well known rabbi once told me, "Betrayal is the worst emotion of all." The crux of the novel - I was speaking in confidence to you. My opinions and comments were not to be shared -consumes Shapiro. Perhaps too much, but that is how you find the author, 100% invested, all the time.

However there is a lot to be said about when years later, your friends tell you they knew (but said nothing). So often the lunch topic in a post-divorce catch-up lunch between friends. Where do you find the middle ground. Shapiro explores the field by power walking through several stories that stake out the territory so often avoided by the injured and more importantly those who injure.

Perhaps this book should be the holiday present for your teen and pre-teen children. With a lengthy inscription to explain all those little comments parents make with the best intention. Not for dealing with forgiveness, but for the realization that words can be weapons often thrown carelessly at people creating the need to express forgiveness.

The Byline should be - "You did what! I forgive you from afar. Very afar. Now please leave a message."

[Toni · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I first read the title The Forgiveness Tour, I thought it might be about some old feuding rock band that had reconciled for a summer concert run, but Susan Shapiro’s memoir also has an intriguing subtitle: How to Find the Perfect Apology. Who doesn’t need that from someone (or even a meek “I’m sorry”) on occasion?

Shapiro’s breezy, engaging style details her falling out with her addiction therapist and a former student after they betray her trust. Her anger and sadness morph into her going on a “forgiveness tour” to interview other victims of betrayal (in some cases, tragedy) to learn how they forgave those who wronged them.

It’s a thought-provoking idea; though the subject sounds heavy, Shapiro’s conversational tone offers levity as she seeks to forgive her former shrink and student and become closer to the workaholic father who often snubbed her writing achievements. Ultimately, she learns that we may not always be blameless when we feel slighted, and that we do, ultimately, need to forgive mostly to heal ourselves.

I never would have thought one could approach this topic in a memoir, but The Forgiveness Tour: How to Find the Perfect Apology took me on an unexpected journey and helped me forgive a former friend even if an “I’m sorry” doesn’t seem to be coming down the road.

[Peter Galamaga · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm a person who really gets stuck on apologies that don't happen. A recent article about this book caught my attention and I reached out to the author. She encouraged me to read it and I'm glad I did.
The book is a journey within a journey.
The main focus is an offense that is acknowledged but not apologized for. Susan goes on a quest to try to understand apologies in numerous contexts. That is the inner journey. The outer journey is how this experience fits into the broader context of her life.
I found the book intriguing, thought-provoking, and entertaining.
I would caution readers about judgment - which was my initial temptation.
I had to acknowledge that some of the things that bothered me were bothering me because they are things I do - especially habits of mind - that Susan also struggles with. This made Susan especially relatable to me.
Once I realized this, the book became even more engaging and even funny in parts.
One last thing -
I loved her use of small details.
For example, at one point she is talking with someone and she mentions how she was fishing around for olives in her salad during the conversation. There are many of those small, visual pieces that I loved.

[Michele LaNoue · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book exceeded my expectations on a couple of levels. First, it held my interest in a way normal self-help oriented books rarely do. I found myself staying up way too late reading “just the next chapter… or three.” The writing is that good.
The Forgiveness Tour is really a hybrid of memoir, captivating stories about other people’s challenges, and expert advice on ways to deal with people who betray or hurt us but can’t seem to manage a simple apology. Should you try to just go on and forget it? This option is often an impossibility. We stew and fret and cry and find ourselves sleepless wondering “why?” The book is filled with examples of how people dealt with a wide range of offenses and various ways people learned to move forward.
Personally, I read it at an opportune time. More than just a good read, the advice and examples helped me to differentiate between situations where I should forgive and others where it was okay to not try to fix the relationship. For people like me who think there is always a solution, this was an epiphany. It isn’t my job to make someone do the right thing or become a better person.
With the guidance of this book, I’ve sent out several apologies recently where I thought it would help. And it did! I highly recommend this book.

[Alex Wasilewski · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Forgiveness Tour is a peripatetic sojourn into the turmoils and accords of the soul. Ms. Shapiro shows us that the lonely path of personal pain is a boulevard for fellow travelers simply seeking solace.

This book allows this esteemed professor to vastly expand her classroom to thousands not fortunate enough to become actual students.

The Forgiveness Tour does not let the reader off with an obsequious pat on the back to assuage past injustices. Through the stories of others who have suffered heartbreaking estrangement we learn how to find the light to empower ourselves.

A satisfying twist finds that Susan Shapiro, through her odyssey to extirpate resentment, to regain her internal strength, to rebuild what was torn down by the shortcomings of a trusted adviser, manages to help herself and thousands of others gain the potential to reach excellence.

How many shrinks can do that for you--for less than twenty-three bucks and an investment of an amazing week?

[Karen Mckinney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Forgiveness is so tricky but this author approaches it with her personal vulnerable story and her examination of how to forgive her shrink who betrayed her with her best friend. I related to the unforgivable transgression and waited each charter to learn how she arrived at her ultimate choice to forgive. Each chapter was told from a different perspective and enlightened on different theories of holding on to transgressions versus the freedom to stop drinking the poison of anger. Sometimes it seems we cannot. I love Shapiro’s honest funny poignant writing. Most of all I cried at the end which I don’t want to spoil. I will say anyone who has longed for words of praise for a father…..will relate to the lovely way Shapiro made peace with the parents she so obviously adored revered and loved. I still read this again and again and continue to learn from the pearls of wisdom.

[Wendy Jablow · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I hear or read something that resonates or something I want to remember and/or reflect on, I write it down. I have a folder on my phone with those sayings/comments/perspectives. I wrote down more excerpts from this book than any other I have read. Much food for self reflection. The biggest problem with this book is that it "ends" both too predictably and too fairy tale like. Life is much easier when you get exactly what you think you want and need. The book probably would feel better to me if the author left out what actually ended up happening between her and her therapist. Based on the other stories in the book, and my own experience, a person more often than not does not end up with a fair tale ending and has to figure out how to move forward.

[Teri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy to read - author shares her personal struggle with how to overcome not getting an apology - how she is tormented internally - she explores all about apologies - she gets input from rabbis, interviews all people who have suffered unforgivable wrongs -
victims of genocides, sexual assault, infidelity, cruelty and racism. A Holocaust survivor in D.C. admits he’s thrived from spite. A Michigan man meets with the drunk driver who killed his wife and children. A daughter in Seattle grapples with her mother - who stayed married to the father who raped her. Knowing their estrangement isn’t her fault, a Florida mom spends eight years apologizing to her son anyway -with surprising results.

[Malka Margolies · Rating 5 out of 5]

This wonderful book is about a serious topic, how to forgive someone who has wronged you, and makes it into a page turner. Susan Shapiro takes a very deep personal hurt and turns the story into something universal by going on a quest to interview people from a wide range of backgrounds and ages, from rabbis to Hindus to survivors of war and deep trauma, to learn their always compelling stories and how they learned to forgive, even when the perpetrators never offered an apology. She even raises whether there is value to seeking revenge. The book also touches on the Jewish concept of teshuva. Strangely too, due to the brilliance of her writing, this book is hard to put down, with many humorous moments despite the topic being of such grave importance.

[Hannah Zhang · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading Susan Shapiro's The Forgiveness Tour is terrific reminder that we do not live in a vacuum -- living in this world means that we will get hurt at some point in time. For example, this is even true if we're hurt by a close friend, and in Susan's case, a great mentor. The question this book asks and ultimately does a great job answering is: what do we do when we get hurt by someone close?

My favorite passage is on page 91: The more we blame the past, the harder it is to move on. Living well is the best revenge.

What a terrific book to learn from, read and re-read.

[Sara Neufeld · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best kind of book -- a great read and full of practical wisdom. Sue used a breach of trust in her own life as a catalyst to interview others who had experienced devastating betrayals and losses, along with religious leaders of various backgrounds, asking what it takes to forgive and make amends. The book contains a ton of valuable wisdom and insight; literally everyone could benefit from it. And you don't realize you're reading self-help because the story is so engaging. Highly recommend.

[Dan Ehrenkrantz · Rating 5 out of 5]

A serious subject tackled with humor and wisdom. The author uses her experience of being unable to move on after being hurt as a springboard to a deep dive into the topics of forgiveness and apology. Along the way, she learns from multiple traditions and inspiring people. It’s an easy read on a difficult and tricky topic.

[Andrea Javor · Rating 5 out of 5]

It feels like self help all the while reading like my favorite novel. The author expertly blends a central story she's trying to resolve while interviewing a diverse range of experts to comment on the role of forgiveness in our lives. I thought I would flip through interesting chapters but devoured each page. Highly recommend.

[Virginia DeLuca · Rating 5 out of 5]

(I am the 71year old). What a perfect time to read this engaging book. All families can use a meditation on forgiveness. Chapter after chapter, I read out loud passages. The book was thought provoking, entertaining, and had has all discussing it throughout the day (even the 3 year old!) Take a look if you haven't had a chance to read. Such a compelling book.

[David]

DNF @ 36% - This is not what I thought it was going to be and, despite it being a quick enough read, I have no real desire or motivation to continue to read this. The writing is fine. But it just doesn’t speak to me. It’s more of a murmur. And a weak one at that. DNFed March 2021.

[Judie Dresser · Rating 5 out of 5]

This has fascinating stories about people (including the author) who try to deal with others who betray or hurt us but can’t seem to manage a simple apology. Should we try to just go on and forget it? Is it possible to truly forgive someone who won't admit they hurt us?

[Rabbi Scott Meltzer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enjoyable, warm story of the complicated nature of relationships and an exploration of forgiveness.

[Penny Lane · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good, not too heavy read on the why we need apologies, and how is the best way to get one and give one.

[Joy Chase]

Good start on a perfect apology. This book includes all the components. A helpful guide.

[Susan Goldsmith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such an important, beautifully told book for those who’ve struggled to forgive anyone in their life who has hurt them. Engaging and poignant. A must-read from a master storyteller.