Redeeming Heartache: How Past Suffering Reveals Our True Calling

by Dan B. Allender, Cathy Loerzel

Find freedom and healing from painful memories and relational struggles and learn how your past has uniquely prepared you to experience more joy. 

Tragedy and pain inevitably touch our lives in some way. We long to feel whole, but more often than not, the way we've learned to deal with our wounds pushes us away from the very restoration we need most. Renowned psychologist Dr. Dan Allender and counselor and teacher Cathy Loerzel present a life-changing process of true connection and healing with ourselves, God, and others. 

With a clear, biblically trustworthy method, Allender and Loerzel walk you through a journey of profound inner transformation--from the shame and hurt of old emotional wounds to true freedom and healing. Drawn from modern research and their pioneering work at The Allender Center, they will help you identify your core trauma in one of the three outcast archetypes--the widow, orphan, or stranger--and chart your path of growth into the God-given roles of priest, prophet, or leader. This book will help you  

What to do about feeling out-of-place and directionlessHow your coping mechanisms create a false sense of healthHow to embrace your divine calling and find lasting reconciliationHow your heart wounds are your unique invitation to true strength and purpose.Your past pain does not dictate your life. Answer the call to healing and discover your life's beautiful story and a future of hope and freedom.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Counselling, Christian, Theology, Faith, Mental Health

272 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 14, 2021

About the author

Dan B. Allender, Ph.D, is a fly fisherman who also serves as president and professor of counseling at Mars Hill Graduate School near Seattle, Washington. He is a therapist in private practice, and a frequent speaker and seminar leader. Dan received his M.Div. from Westminster Theological Seminary and his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Michigan State University. He is the author of To Be Told: Know Your Story / Shape Your Future, How Children Raise Parents, and The Healing Path, as well as The Wounded Heart, Bold Love, and Intimate Allies. He and his wife, Rebecca, are the parents of three children.

Reviews

[aryssa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had high hopes for this book. Allender theory of story engagement and redemptive living have been transformative for me and others I know. I think most people can benefit from engaging Allender theory. However, this book was not as powerful as I'd hoped.

It basic concept was this: the unredeemed and wounded archetypes of the orphan, stranger, and widow are redeemed into the priest, prophet, and king/queen, through story work and engagement with the life of Christ. The thrust of the book is to expose woundedness and move toward flourishing. Allender and Lorzel teach their readers that in integrating our shame-filled stories, we free ourselves to engage in redemptive work that makes earth more like heaven.

That's great news! Allender and Lorzel prophetically empower their readers. With kindness, they expose grief, call out shame, and show their readers that divine wholeness awaits them.

However, as great as the message of the book is, the narration is often unclear and superfluous. Allender and Lorzel know that woundedness is best communicated through story. This book is full of their stories, which are so valuable to learn from, but I often felt like the constant story telling interrupted the flow of thought. I wanted to know, clearly, who the archetypes are, how to identify them in myself and others, and how to properly engage them. But because most of the explanation was examples, I was left with many of my initial questions not fully answered. It became hard to engage the content when the style of writing was unclear. Their book has a specific message that was muddled by unneeded commentary.

I'd recommend this book to someone who is unfamiliar with Allender theory. It is a decent introduction to redemptive story work. And if someone is truly invested in learning about Allender and Lorzel's redemptive archetype model, by all means, engage the text. However, for most who are familiar with Allender, I would heartily offer a summary of the book and recommend some podcasts. Despite the book's lack of clarity, the material is still valuable.

[Crosby Cobb · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars

This is not for the faint of heart as it oftentimes felt like the book was reading me rather than me reading the book (told my therapist reading it felt like what I would imagine going to a counseling intensive would feel like 😅🤪), but it was nevertheless really helpful and insightful!

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed me more than any other I read this year.

One quote got to the very bottom of all of my struggles as a child of divorce:
"The orphan spirit is at war with care and rest."

I have been pondering it ever since, and I'm learning to accept God's care and rest each day in new ways.

This book talks about six selves in us - three of them broken, three of them redemptive. It also explains how God can heal and uplift us in each one, and how we can help others heal as well.

An important book for therapists and those in therapy. I share my insights from this book in depth on this podcast episode: https://www.sarahgeringer.com/redeemi...

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had a bunch of really great nuggets. The talk of Covid/political issues was really irrelevant and not sure why it was continually mentioned throughout the book.

[Jill · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book as been on my list for a while now, but rudely none of the three libraries with whom I have a library card have had a copy till now. It did not disappoint!

Would highly recommend.

[Bethany · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book gives a really useful framework for understanding your trauma and allowing God to transform it: from stranger, orphan, widow to prophet, priest, and king/queen.

Like any framework that introduces a new concept, I feel like I need to reread or study to understand. There are a lot of layers to this framework (I likened it to the Enneagram to a friend last night—I need to read more and roll it around and try it on for fit like clothing to really understand it better).

I appreciated that the book was told by two narrators working as a team. I appreciated the end notes: discussion of how this framework plays nicely with Enneagram and questions for processing and discussion.

Overall, such a good guide for those willing to engage their stories and find healing and redemption in them.

[Megan Mae Oitzman · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.75 stars!!! Hahahah! This book is good! But dense. There are definitely chapters I will go back to re-read.
The ideas presented in this book are brilliant. Insightful. Powerful. But, it’s almost too much for a book format. Loved the handout PDF that accompanies the book— I’d love to do it in a small group/ class setting. But trying to understand and apply the concepts presented in this book through the lens of random excerpts from the 2020/ the pandemic felt odd.

[Bailey Cowen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m going to write a longer review later, promise. For now I need to revel in the beauty and genius of Dan and Cathy’s words. This book is a gift and a blessing and a challenge and a call.

[Macy Keating · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book to be interesting and in some ways insightful. I’m not sold on the priest/prophet/king-queen classifications, I think that it is too narrow of a lens, but I enjoyed the perspectives in this book.

[Grant Lewandowski · Rating 5 out of 5]

At first I wasn’t sure about the poetic nature of how Dan and Cathy described our experiences with our past and tied them to descriptors like orphan, stranger, widow, priest, prophet, and king/queen. Although as I kept reading I found their words reaching deep into understanding my own trauma, childhood experiences, and how I can walk towards a path of redemption. Not only how to better hold my own story, but also walk alongside others in holding and healing from their own experiences.

I recommend this book and for me personally I know I will return to this as a resource and wouldn’t be surprised if I reread it at some point too!

[Abigail Westbrook · Rating 3 out of 5]

Parts of this book are raw and insightful, while other sections are confusing. I feel like the authors referred too much to the pandemic, limiting the book’s relatability and giving it a dated feel already, only 4 years hence. Also I clearly have some fundamental theological differences with the authors which would make me reluctant to recommend it in most cases. It’s a shame because I think their overall idea is intriguing and I’m definitely a fan of learning how our suffering equips us to help others. This book just doesn’t reach that goal for me.

[Jenny White · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was excited to read this because 1) in another life, I would have loved to study at the Allender Center and 2) I’m very intrigued by the archetypes laid out in this book and in Dan’s other writings/teachings.

Orphan - Priest
Stranger - Prophet
Widow - King/Queen

Unfortunately, this book was a let down for me. I think it could have been more effective if it was shorter and if the intention of the book was more clear. I felt myself wanting to understand what Dan and Cathy were trying to say, but getting lost in the wordiness and anecdotes. Alas! Still have mad respect for both authors and the work they do - this book just didn’t fully capture it for me.

[Hope Helms · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book offers a loose framework for engaging with our stories based on the biblical idea of Jesus as Prophet, Priest, and King and how we can move toward embodying those qualities as image bearers by working through and healing wounds of our past and recognize how we attempt to find peace through constructing false Eden’s.

This was an interesting book and one which people who love exploring personality types would particularly enjoy (although it is not limited to those people). I found the appendix with a discussion on Enneagram and personality typing most interesting seeing as I have long had issues with its limitations (nature vs. nurture debate).

This is a great starting point for someone who may feel the need for counseling/therapy but not have the means for it. In the back of the book there are many questions that probe deep into the heart and are best navigated with safe community.

All in all, a good read and I only gave it four stars because I hate systems although even the writers states its limitations and that this is meant merely to provide some helpful framework for the broader point: our stories matter and we need to face the way they have impacted us so we can move towards healing and Christlikeness.

[Josh Samarco · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Much Needed Read for my Soul

I’ve read this book slowly this year. It was a read that I needed to take in and let my soul soak in the words on each page. I am grateful for this work. There truly is redemption in our heartaches, stories, and life experiences. If you want to better understand how what you suffered will and can make sense, pick up this book and walk through it slowly.

[Eli Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book challenged me to show curiosity towards my own story and the unique giftings God gives us in order to bring heaven on earth. The application guide was incredibly useful and I’m excited to keep learning!

“Will we accept the invitation to sing and dance while engaging heartache, injustice, and death? Or said differently, will we hold the tension of crucifixion Friday and resurrection Sunday as we live in lamentation Saturday?”

[Panda Incognito · Rating 3 out of 5]

I went into this book with limited knowledge of the Allender Center and its work, but I knew enough to expect that I would find the book insightful, helpful, and deeply ministering. Unfortunately, this ended up being a mixed bag for me, and I only found parts of it helpful. Even though the coauthors mean well and share some profoundly moving personal stories, the counseling content is very high-level, abstract, and occasionally esoteric. I minored in psychology and have read books like The Body Keeps the Score, so my occasional difficulty in reading this book surprised me. I often reread confusing sentences and paragraphs to understand them better, so people without existing knowledge of trauma, psychology, and counseling would have a very difficult time following this.

Content and Audience

At the beginning, Allender and Loerzel explain the concept of trauma. They apply their definition to any adverse experience, regardless whether it seems traumatic in scale to worse events, and they share illustrations from their pasts and from their lives in early COVID-19 lockdown. In the second part of the book, they present the system of six types that they have created for understanding trauma. Each trauma type has a healing counterpart, and they are the orphan and the priest, the stranger and the prophet, and the widow and the king or queen. They draw biblical parallels for these archetypes, but personally, I found them somewhat forced and incomplete. I drew some helpful insights related to my stranger/prophet experiences from bad social situations in the past, but nothing about these types connected with the specific trauma that inspires me to read books like this in the first place.

Some people will find this book tremendously helpful, but I do not personally recommend it. The archetypes have limited applications, and the authors write in a high-level, theory-based style without providing detailed or specific recommendations for healing. The authors include numerous illustrations and examples from their and their clients' experiences, but even when a story illustrates a concept, it doesn't necessarily help the reader translate it to their own experience. If someone is looking for a Christian book about trauma that is broadly applicable and accessible to anyone, I would recommend The Thing Beneath the Thing by Steve Carter. That book is direct, clear, and accessible, and draws biblical parallels that feel more complete.

Other Concerns

My favorite chapters are Allender's, but this is mainly because Loerzel lost me early on by sharing an embarrassing story about her son. She illustrates trauma response by writing about her son's distress after a toileting incident at school, showing how even though it wasn't his fault, he was so mortified that he didn't want to tell her about it. She spent time talking with him, getting pieces of the story, and helping him work through it, and even though I do not doubt her sincerity or her love for her child, I can't believe that she shared and repeatedly referenced this story. Her son is five, can't consent this, and will someday have to deal with the impact of her choices. It's not unusual for parents to share embarrassing stories about their children, but Loerzel is a trauma and counseling expert and should have made a wiser call.

I also have more minor critiques. For example, even though the authors share genuinely meaningful reflections about racial trauma, other references to justice issues come across as checklist-minded and shallow. At various times, the authors would interrupt a train of thought to start listing off a whole load of social ills, and I got very impatient with this. When one of them used the phrase "income inequality," I gave up, rolled my eyes, and said, "You're talking about greed and poverty. Income inequality would include my biologist friend making more money in her STEM field than I make at the library." In most cases, I would overlook a sloppy buzzword like that without getting irritated, but so much of this seemed like posturing and virtue-signaling that it was hard for me to feel charitable about it.

Conclusion

I personally found Redeeming Heartache very disappointing. The title and premise indicate a much broader focus and more general applications than the book offers, and much of the content was not relevant or helpful to me, especially when it delved into more esoteric forms of expression or Allender Center insider language that I wasn't familiar with. I was also put off by Loerzel's unwise storytelling about her son's embarrassing moment, which greatly reduced her credibility in my eyes at the outset. Some people will find this book very helpful, and there are some deeply moving moments of storytelling and reflection, but there are so many better Christian books about trauma and suffering that I would not personally recommend this. This book is best for fans of the authors, and for people who are deeply invested in the Allender Center.

I received a free copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[Jacob Furr · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could give this book 6 stars on content and ideas, I would. Incredible insight that sits on a shelf of its own. The content was worded very carefully, but I wish there was more energy spent on clear identifiers of a prophet, priest, and king/queen in myself and others. Just felt like at times the wordiness was a barrier to how simple the ideas could be.

[Kelli · Rating 4 out of 5]

This will be a book I come back to again and again. There are already parts I want to reread and give greater study to. Very helpful to read this knowing someone closely who has used the story group method. There’s a lot of overlap to other avenues of psychology and trauma-healing I’m learning about.

[Adam Jarvis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Probably 4.75 stars. I love the premise of the book, and the authors lay it out in a clear, easy to understand way. There were a couple of minor things that rubbed me the wrong way, but overall, a really good book.

[Stephanie Winn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book took you through 3 archetypes of pain-orphan, stranger or widow and then 3 corresponding archetypes of healing-priest, prophet or queen and did a beautiful job of showing how we can learn and grow from our trauma and pain instead of letting it hold us back.

[Keri · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful but sometimes hard to digest and apply. Maybe some charts would be a practical and helpful addition. Some parts were simply confusing and long-winded. It felt like ideas that were not fully developed or ready for a book.

[Brynna King · Rating 3 out of 5]

While there were moments of clarity in this book, I mostly read it very confused as to what was being said. I’m sure if you are a student of the Allender center (of which I am not) it makes perfect sense, but for me going in blind was not the move.
Planning to start at a smaller scale to learn about their work as it does seem very helpful!

[Jacob · Rating 5 out of 5]

Essential.

[Kristen Dabbs · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dan Allender is a highly respected Christian therapist, so I was eager to hear from him. I enjoyed him and his co-author’s perspective on trauma for the Christian, and had moments of deep reflection and self-understanding. There are great insights about the destruction of hurt and trauma in several forms, and how to be healers. But it was a little too abstract and anecdotal for me. The points didn’t quite hit home with clarity. But there are definitely some nuggets I’ll carry with me.

[Erin Powe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Last chapter, best chapter! Not the most cohesive book I’ve read, but containing some helpful info.

[AJ · Rating 3 out of 5]

Taking how we have been broken, traumatized, betrayed, and harmed and transforming that into 3 offices or callings of prophet, priest, or king/queen is the focus of this book. There was much that was insightful and wise, but much I failed to grasp on how to go from one injury to one calling. I feel like there would be further study needed on the teachings put forth by the Allender Center to really comprehend how to put this into practice in everyday life.

[Jory Bayne · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is my first book by Dan Allender but not my first exposure to his teaching. While I generally enjoy his teaching and have found Allender Theory to be immensely helpful, I had mixed feelings about this book. On one hand, the categories of trauma and their redeemed counter types serve as a really helpful framework for understanding your history as well as the story God is writing in you. This framework is my biggest takeaway from the book. As a result, I understand myself and my own hurts more and have a vision for how to bring them to the Lord for his glory and the joy/healing of others.

Yet, there were parts I struggled with. First, while wanting to be relevant to the contemporary issues of its time (2019-2021), the book has a lot of references to COVID-19 and racial injustice that feel forced. While I don’t disagree with their positions necessarily, they found ways to tie them in even if they weren’t the most relevant or common sense application to the concept being taught. As a result, it often felt more like virtue signaling than solid exposition/application. Second, while Dan holds the tension between biblical exegesis and psychological theory better, Cathy’s exegesis of scripture felt more like putting a Christian wrapper on a secular candy bar. Plus, there was one illustration that Cathy used about her son that felt odd to me. Again, it didn’t seem like the most helpful illustration to explain the concept but it also felt like an oddly personal story to share about someone who’s not old enough to give consent.

Overall, while its still helpful, if you were to read only one Dan Allender book, I don’t think this would be it. For a quicker read/skimming, I found Chs. 4-9 (unpacking the framework) and Ch. 12 (practical application) to be most helpful.

[Marcia Ooms · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't know what I expected with this book, but I found it difficult to get through. I think some of the writing was a little too high level for me, because I just wasn't following where the authors were going with it. I'm sure it would speak to others, but it really didn't with me.

[Alecia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m a huge fan of Allender’s other books and work, but this one felt a bit off to me. I’m sure it has something to do with the environment in which it was written (Covid, Trump, Floyd, etc), but it felt rather progressive and political, something I’ve not noticed in Allender’s other works. The overall content was thought-provoking, but not as compelling as I’d expected.

[Brenda Chance · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a salve. Insightful, wise, healing, and visionary words for journeys where heartbreak seems to be winning.