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Relationship OCD: A CBT-Based Guide to Move Beyond Obsessive Doubt, Anxiety, and Fear of Commitment in Romantic Relationships
A powerful CBT approach to help you find freedom from obsessive relationship anxiety, doubt, and fear of commitment Do you obsess over your partner’s flaws? Does thinking about the future of your relationship leave you imagining the worst-case scenario? When it comes to navigating the world of romantic relationships, some feelings of anxiety, doubt, and fear are to be expected. But if your fears so extreme that they threaten to destroy an otherwise healthy relationship, you may have relationship OCD —a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) that causes chronic obsessive doubt and anxiety in relationships. So, how can you free yourself to discover deeper intimacy and security? Relationship OCD offers an evidence-based, cognitive behavioral approach to finding relief from relationship anxiety, obsessive doubt, and fear of commitment. You’ll learn to challenge the often-distorted thought patterns that trigger harmful emotions, increase your ability to think rationally, and ultimately accept the presence of intrusive thinking while maintaining the values of a healthy relationship. Relationships are the ultimate unknown. If you’re ready to let go of needing to know for sure, this book will help you find satisfaction and thrive in your romantic relationships—in all their wonderful uncertainty.
200 pages, Paperback
Published January 2, 2022
360 people are currently reading
1401 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 106 reviews
December 27, 2024
This is an excellent book in many ways, with one major shortcoming. The book does a great job explaining ROCD and helping readers develop the skills people to fight it. But as a clinician (who has experienced ROCD themselves), I wouldn't recommend this book to a client. Why? The only way to beat OCD - of any kind - is to learn to reject the need for absolute certainty. This book feeds certainty-seeking by reassuring its readers that, if they're reading the book, their relationship is probably a good one that's worth staying in (e.g., "it's unlikely that a bad relationship... would trigger ROCD"). The thing is, the presence or absence of ROCD doesn't necessarily mean anything about the quality of a relationship. People with ROCD are often preoccupied with questions like "is this the 'right' relationship for me?" and "should I stay or leave?" Getting reassurance may feel good, but it's not going to help a reader beat OCD in the long-run. If you can go into this book with this in mind, and take those messages with a grain of salt, then I think there is still a lot to learn here.
June 5, 2024
The organization of this book is great, and it’s probably worth the read for the first part alone (The Myth of the One). After that, it serves as a useful guide toward other in-depth modes of treatment for ROCD: CBT, ACT, ERP, and self-compassion work.
November 12, 2023
Idk the future, and that's okay.
---
As someone with obsessive, compulsive, and spiraling thoughts fueled by anxiety and intense perfectionism, this was a rather enlightening book. It took me quite a few months to read it, (see my intense perfectionism!), but I don't regret pushing through and finally finishing it. This book is primarily aimed at those who scrutinize their romantic partner or who avoid commitment in search of "The One", but is still helpful for anyone who has anxious and OCD tendencies.
The main idea of the book is that you cannot "solve" anxiety/ROCD (relationship OCD), but you can learn to manage it by building a higher tolerance to uncertainty and accepting that the future is inherently uncertain and you will inevitably face hurt. The author who has OCD herself recommends techniques from cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance & commitment therapy, and exposure therapy.
My favorite parts of the book:
- Author acknowledges your problems won't be solved, just managed. Emphasized you will still have hard days and mess up but "One unhelpful choice in a sea of helpful ones will not permanently misalign you, and you can always find your way back to your values if you go astray."
- Challenged me and honestly, exposed me! to myself! the audacity of this book!!! I never thought of perfectionism as a defense mechanism and that's gonna keep me up tonight.
- Described what your life would look like long-term when managing anxiety/ROCD and compared it to "fence management", day-in-day out management, it'll get easier, but it is tedious and you will need to resign yourself to this
- Described the "lighthouse effect" where your brain is constantly searching for something to be anxious over, ACK this is also something I do
- Gave me the opportunity to reflect that even though I don't always hold my partner to high standards... I do hold myself to them and that... that's probably not good.
I found this to be an actually helpful book for me, but would only recommend it if you or someone you're close to struggles with these things!
---
As someone with obsessive, compulsive, and spiraling thoughts fueled by anxiety and intense perfectionism, this was a rather enlightening book. It took me quite a few months to read it, (see my intense perfectionism!), but I don't regret pushing through and finally finishing it. This book is primarily aimed at those who scrutinize their romantic partner or who avoid commitment in search of "The One", but is still helpful for anyone who has anxious and OCD tendencies.
The main idea of the book is that you cannot "solve" anxiety/ROCD (relationship OCD), but you can learn to manage it by building a higher tolerance to uncertainty and accepting that the future is inherently uncertain and you will inevitably face hurt. The author who has OCD herself recommends techniques from cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance & commitment therapy, and exposure therapy.
My favorite parts of the book:
- Author acknowledges your problems won't be solved, just managed. Emphasized you will still have hard days and mess up but "One unhelpful choice in a sea of helpful ones will not permanently misalign you, and you can always find your way back to your values if you go astray."
- Challenged me and honestly, exposed me! to myself! the audacity of this book!!! I never thought of perfectionism as a defense mechanism and that's gonna keep me up tonight.
- Described what your life would look like long-term when managing anxiety/ROCD and compared it to "fence management", day-in-day out management, it'll get easier, but it is tedious and you will need to resign yourself to this
- Described the "lighthouse effect" where your brain is constantly searching for something to be anxious over, ACK this is also something I do
- Gave me the opportunity to reflect that even though I don't always hold my partner to high standards... I do hold myself to them and that... that's probably not good.
I found this to be an actually helpful book for me, but would only recommend it if you or someone you're close to struggles with these things!
December 14, 2021
Relationship OCD by Sheva Rajaee is written from the perspective of a therapist who herself has dealt with relationship OCD (ROCD). What a perfect combination! I love that more and more mental health professionals are willing to talk about their own mental health challenges.
Throughout the book, the author emphasizes the importance of learning to tolerate uncertainty. She writes that addressing ROCD isn’t just about managing anxiety, but also about changing expectations about what love and partnership should involve. She describes the myth of the one (MOTO) that we’ve been exposed to pretty much forever, and how unlike real relationships that is.
If you feel concerned that you don’t feel the “butterflies” you think that you’re supposed to feel, the author points out that the feeling of butterflies is actually an anxiety response driven by the amygdala, and the steadiness of a non-anxiety-provoking person could actually be a good thing.
The book describes two different areas of focus for anxiety in ROCD. One is partner-focused, which involves a preoccupation with the partner’s perceived flaws. The other is relationship-focused, which is a preoccupation with the quality of the relationship. The author explains that for most people, ROCD comes from some combination of nature and nurture, and she ties this into attachment styles.
There’s an interesting chapter devoted to sex anxiety. It incorporates cultural myths and moralization about how sex should be, fantasizing, and the effects of anxiety on desire and arousal. Real-life just isn't the way it is in movies, it's not always mind-blowing, and you don't have to be gettin' it on multiple times a week for your sex life to be considered acceptable.
The middle section of the book covers strategies that can help with managing ROCD, including addressing cognitive distortions, using acceptance and commitment therapy tools, and doing exposure and response prevention. The author explains that these tools won’t get rid of your anxiety, and that’s not the goal, anyway; rather, they’ll help you to tolerate it more effectively.
The chapter on healing shame talks about how we become indoctrinated into “the cult of what’s normal.” We soak up all kinds of messages about how we should look, feel, behave, and live our lives, and this knowledge is stored implicitly, outside of our conscious awareness. The author explains the benefit of self-compassion to address shame around not living up to these expectations about what’s normal.
There’s also a chapter on what healthy relationships look like, and the author cautions that you shouldn’t trust your gut, as emotions on their own will never be able to confirm for you that you’ve met the right person or that you’ll live happily ever after. I liked that she was very realistic about how there's no way to predict the future of a relationship, and sometimes divorce ends up being the right thing.
The author was also very realistic about ROCD recovery writing that intrusive thoughts and uncertainty aren’t going to just disappear. She acknowledges that ongoing maintenance work will probably be needed.
I thought this book did a really good job of popping the bubble of the assorted problematic messaging we’re exposed to regarding relationships. The author balances warmth and kindness with telling readers that being uncomfortable and being uncertain is a necessary part of the process. This book was really well done, and I think it will be very helpful to people dealing with relationships anxiety, whether it’s full-fledged OCD or not.
I received a reviewer copy from the publisher through Netgalley.
Throughout the book, the author emphasizes the importance of learning to tolerate uncertainty. She writes that addressing ROCD isn’t just about managing anxiety, but also about changing expectations about what love and partnership should involve. She describes the myth of the one (MOTO) that we’ve been exposed to pretty much forever, and how unlike real relationships that is.
If you feel concerned that you don’t feel the “butterflies” you think that you’re supposed to feel, the author points out that the feeling of butterflies is actually an anxiety response driven by the amygdala, and the steadiness of a non-anxiety-provoking person could actually be a good thing.
The book describes two different areas of focus for anxiety in ROCD. One is partner-focused, which involves a preoccupation with the partner’s perceived flaws. The other is relationship-focused, which is a preoccupation with the quality of the relationship. The author explains that for most people, ROCD comes from some combination of nature and nurture, and she ties this into attachment styles.
There’s an interesting chapter devoted to sex anxiety. It incorporates cultural myths and moralization about how sex should be, fantasizing, and the effects of anxiety on desire and arousal. Real-life just isn't the way it is in movies, it's not always mind-blowing, and you don't have to be gettin' it on multiple times a week for your sex life to be considered acceptable.
The middle section of the book covers strategies that can help with managing ROCD, including addressing cognitive distortions, using acceptance and commitment therapy tools, and doing exposure and response prevention. The author explains that these tools won’t get rid of your anxiety, and that’s not the goal, anyway; rather, they’ll help you to tolerate it more effectively.
The chapter on healing shame talks about how we become indoctrinated into “the cult of what’s normal.” We soak up all kinds of messages about how we should look, feel, behave, and live our lives, and this knowledge is stored implicitly, outside of our conscious awareness. The author explains the benefit of self-compassion to address shame around not living up to these expectations about what’s normal.
There’s also a chapter on what healthy relationships look like, and the author cautions that you shouldn’t trust your gut, as emotions on their own will never be able to confirm for you that you’ve met the right person or that you’ll live happily ever after. I liked that she was very realistic about how there's no way to predict the future of a relationship, and sometimes divorce ends up being the right thing.
The author was also very realistic about ROCD recovery writing that intrusive thoughts and uncertainty aren’t going to just disappear. She acknowledges that ongoing maintenance work will probably be needed.
I thought this book did a really good job of popping the bubble of the assorted problematic messaging we’re exposed to regarding relationships. The author balances warmth and kindness with telling readers that being uncomfortable and being uncertain is a necessary part of the process. This book was really well done, and I think it will be very helpful to people dealing with relationships anxiety, whether it’s full-fledged OCD or not.
I received a reviewer copy from the publisher through Netgalley.
July 30, 2025
I’ve been struggling with obsessive relationship anxiety since leaving a toxic relationship that caused a lot of trauma for me years ago. I decided to jump into dating again after taking a few years off, and I met someone really great. But surprise, I’m still experiencing so much doubt and anxiety. The time off didn’t heal me. It just paused things. After researching, I came across information on ROCD, and when I tell you I have never felt so understood!!!!!! This book altered my brain chemistry and taught me so much about myself. WOW.
Also I was able to open up about this to the person I’m dating, and not only was he 100% understanding— he read the entire book too, so he could better understand my brain. YUP.
Also I was able to open up about this to the person I’m dating, and not only was he 100% understanding— he read the entire book too, so he could better understand my brain. YUP.
November 21, 2025
Why go to therapy when Spotify has audiobooks
Jk but this was a good read for me and the last chapter did bring me some peace
Jk but this was a good read for me and the last chapter did bring me some peace
March 23, 2022
This book has a lot of great advice in it, but it is also full of the author pushing her beliefs on other people and gaslighting OCD sufferers by telling them that if they disagree with her extreme left-wing sexual ethics, then that is part of their mental disorder. This book made me feel PROFOUNDLY vindicated in why I refused to go to therapy and used to argue in my head with imaginary therapists' bad advice. I healed myself from OCD without ever seeing a professional, and even though I wouldn't advise that for everyone, this book is a strong example of why I thought it was necessary.
I read this a month ago, but never found time to sit down and write a scathing review about everything I absolutely hated about it. Many of the chapters are solid, and there is great CBT advice in here, but the author's extreme take on sexuality and desire to shove this down everyone's throats poisoned everything for me.
In lieu of the full review I wanted to write, here's a chat transcript between me and a friend:
Me: “I want to write a scathing review, but I don't have time. I could try to keep it brief, but I want to write a complete take-down, especially because it so thoroughly justifies why I never went to therapy.
“It’s all, ‘It didn't even occur to me that religious people might be reading this book, but if you don't completely embrace my progressive view of sexuality, then that is part of your OCD and you need to get over it, because OCD people have really unrealistic moral standards for themselves.’”
Sparrow: “Lovely.”
Me: “I was genuinely stunned that after the #MeToo era, she would tell people that having sexual fantasies about anyone you want is totally fair game and not a problem at all, just because it’s in your mind and the other person doesn't know about it.
“She also didn’t bother to adequately differentiate fantasies from horrifying intrusive thoughts you're upset about, because she thinks that if you’re upset about it, that’s just because you don’t realize that this is all normal and okay and not a moral problem.”
Sparrow: “Oh my.”
Me: “I had a full on fight or flight reaction to this book. And by fight or flight, I mean fight.”
Sparrow: “It’s a shame that you don't have time to write an in-depth review of it, though, because the reviews on Goodreads are currently overwhelmingly positive.”
Me: “This is why it’s still open as a tab on my computer for me to get to. SOMEONE needs to say this. I could just cheat and copy and paste our chat.”
Sparrow: “Maybe as a placeholder, at least? To warn unsuspecting readers about what they're getting into.”
Me: “But if I do a placeholder, then I’ll really never return. Like the graveyard of ‘review to come’ reviews that have been sitting out there since 2009.”
Sparrow: “Well, obviously it's up to you, but I think it would be fine and helpful to post a short review (and it could just be the chat excerpt) to warn prospective readers about the contents of the book.”
So, here you are, prospective readers. This book has some nice elements, but if you disagree with the author's take on sexuality or are likely to have full-on trauma flashbacks because of it, now you know. Anything useful and helpful in here, I had already read in other OCD books and in relationship books that aligned with my values, and the only good I got out of this was the opportunity to feel incredibly victorious once again that I managed to defeat my OCD while still living by all of my moral code.
I read this a month ago, but never found time to sit down and write a scathing review about everything I absolutely hated about it. Many of the chapters are solid, and there is great CBT advice in here, but the author's extreme take on sexuality and desire to shove this down everyone's throats poisoned everything for me.
In lieu of the full review I wanted to write, here's a chat transcript between me and a friend:
Me: “I want to write a scathing review, but I don't have time. I could try to keep it brief, but I want to write a complete take-down, especially because it so thoroughly justifies why I never went to therapy.
“It’s all, ‘It didn't even occur to me that religious people might be reading this book, but if you don't completely embrace my progressive view of sexuality, then that is part of your OCD and you need to get over it, because OCD people have really unrealistic moral standards for themselves.’”
Sparrow: “Lovely.”
Me: “I was genuinely stunned that after the #MeToo era, she would tell people that having sexual fantasies about anyone you want is totally fair game and not a problem at all, just because it’s in your mind and the other person doesn't know about it.
“She also didn’t bother to adequately differentiate fantasies from horrifying intrusive thoughts you're upset about, because she thinks that if you’re upset about it, that’s just because you don’t realize that this is all normal and okay and not a moral problem.”
Sparrow: “Oh my.”
Me: “I had a full on fight or flight reaction to this book. And by fight or flight, I mean fight.”
Sparrow: “It’s a shame that you don't have time to write an in-depth review of it, though, because the reviews on Goodreads are currently overwhelmingly positive.”
Me: “This is why it’s still open as a tab on my computer for me to get to. SOMEONE needs to say this. I could just cheat and copy and paste our chat.”
Sparrow: “Maybe as a placeholder, at least? To warn unsuspecting readers about what they're getting into.”
Me: “But if I do a placeholder, then I’ll really never return. Like the graveyard of ‘review to come’ reviews that have been sitting out there since 2009.”
Sparrow: “Well, obviously it's up to you, but I think it would be fine and helpful to post a short review (and it could just be the chat excerpt) to warn prospective readers about the contents of the book.”
So, here you are, prospective readers. This book has some nice elements, but if you disagree with the author's take on sexuality or are likely to have full-on trauma flashbacks because of it, now you know. Anything useful and helpful in here, I had already read in other OCD books and in relationship books that aligned with my values, and the only good I got out of this was the opportunity to feel incredibly victorious once again that I managed to defeat my OCD while still living by all of my moral code.
August 16, 2024
Looks like we’ve got some work to do boys 🫡
January 26, 2026
I hadn’t heard of “relationship OCD” until seeing a couple TikToks about it recently, and while I don’t think I personally have full-fledged ROCD, I have certainly struggled with elements of relationship anxiety to the point this book felt useful/relevant to me. I appreciated reminders from the author that uncertainty is not a problem that can be solved by rumination, and I liked the technique to mentally call out “I am thinking XYZ” without giving the thought pattern full power. I did think the book assumed a little too strongly that the reader was already in a good/loving relationship (some elements of ROCD look pretty similar to being in an incompatible relationship!) Regardless, I appreciated the chance to learn about clinical practice and scholarship in the ROCD space.
December 17, 2025
Yeeepppp that’s the stuff
December 14, 2025
Hands down, helpful :) although doesn't always align with Catholic values so read with discernment
November 26, 2025
I feel called out
September 6, 2024
This book might have just rerouted the trajectory of my life and i’m not exaggerating in the slightest bit.
In the past couple of months I entered my first relationship, after years of choosing singleness and avoiding dating out of fear of the unknowns and generally being uncomfortable with the possibility of being hurt. Throughout the beginning phase my relationship i had felt so much internalized fear and anxiety, despite there being no logical or realistic reason to feel this way. like seriously no reason, my partner has been amazing and so patient and really is my best friend. when these fears and anxiety became so prevalent, i started spiraling thinking that surely my worst fears had come true and this actually was the wrong relationship and i had made an awful mistake somehow (even tho i usually felt fulfilled and happy).
for a couple of months i tried to push through the constant (unwarranted) relationship anxiety, because rationally i knew this is a healthy and good relationship. I battled with this until i was simply SO exhausted and EMOTIONALLY WORN OUT from my own emotions. i started DESPERATELY seeking some kind of guidance or advice on how to become more emotionally intelligent or anything in that vein. i dragged myself to the self transformation / psychology section of barnes and noble and i stumbled across this book. after reading the blurb on the back and the first few pages, i realized that this was exactly what i had been experiencing. admittedly, i was very embarrassed to be purchasing a book titled “Relationship OCD”. it felt as if i was confessing to myself, the cashier and the rest of the world that i was some sort of basket case who was a failure at relationships. but i bought the book anyway because i really really just needed something to explain what i’ve been dealing with and this book felt promising. and this book DELIVERED ON EVERY SINGLE ONE OF ITS PROMISES.
Every chapter, self guided exercise, and damn near every single word in this book was POIGNANT, PRACTICAL, and RELATABLE.
The book carries an incredible conversational yet formal and educational tone that i have never experienced before. it really feels like you are sitting down and having a discussion with your therapist you’ve been going to for years. It’s the perfect blend of research based science and modern-day social psychology that WILL HELP YOU FEEL UNDERSTOOD. Sheva Rajaee has such an empathetic and confident conviction that everything you are experiencing is normal, you are not alone, you are not crazy and that just by reading this book you have started the process of recovery and transformation. i felt a warm energy of acceptance coming from the author, which really really helped me while i was processing some tough stuff and challenging my own negative beliefs.
Although it’s only 180 pages, i took my time going through the book and finished it over the span of about 10 or 14 days i’m
not really sure. I wanted to make sure that i was able to process the information in small chunks and then try to apply the tools she had laid out in real time. and i can say that by the time i was 20 pages in, i was already able to better understand the pendulum swings of my own anxiety in my daily life.
Now that i’ve finished the book i feel that i know how my brain works - both with and against me. i feel very well equipped to forge my own path to “recovery” with the tools and exercises provided. And i plan to come back and re-read this book many times to fully digest and use her expertise to its fullest extent.
If you are struggling with relationship anxiety, regular anxiety, ocd or just any other negative thought patterns, THIS BOOK WILL HELP YOU. I cannot express how grateful i am to have found this resource when i truly needed it the most. Sheva Rajaee, you will forever be a rockstar in my world!! <3
In the past couple of months I entered my first relationship, after years of choosing singleness and avoiding dating out of fear of the unknowns and generally being uncomfortable with the possibility of being hurt. Throughout the beginning phase my relationship i had felt so much internalized fear and anxiety, despite there being no logical or realistic reason to feel this way. like seriously no reason, my partner has been amazing and so patient and really is my best friend. when these fears and anxiety became so prevalent, i started spiraling thinking that surely my worst fears had come true and this actually was the wrong relationship and i had made an awful mistake somehow (even tho i usually felt fulfilled and happy).
for a couple of months i tried to push through the constant (unwarranted) relationship anxiety, because rationally i knew this is a healthy and good relationship. I battled with this until i was simply SO exhausted and EMOTIONALLY WORN OUT from my own emotions. i started DESPERATELY seeking some kind of guidance or advice on how to become more emotionally intelligent or anything in that vein. i dragged myself to the self transformation / psychology section of barnes and noble and i stumbled across this book. after reading the blurb on the back and the first few pages, i realized that this was exactly what i had been experiencing. admittedly, i was very embarrassed to be purchasing a book titled “Relationship OCD”. it felt as if i was confessing to myself, the cashier and the rest of the world that i was some sort of basket case who was a failure at relationships. but i bought the book anyway because i really really just needed something to explain what i’ve been dealing with and this book felt promising. and this book DELIVERED ON EVERY SINGLE ONE OF ITS PROMISES.
Every chapter, self guided exercise, and damn near every single word in this book was POIGNANT, PRACTICAL, and RELATABLE.
The book carries an incredible conversational yet formal and educational tone that i have never experienced before. it really feels like you are sitting down and having a discussion with your therapist you’ve been going to for years. It’s the perfect blend of research based science and modern-day social psychology that WILL HELP YOU FEEL UNDERSTOOD. Sheva Rajaee has such an empathetic and confident conviction that everything you are experiencing is normal, you are not alone, you are not crazy and that just by reading this book you have started the process of recovery and transformation. i felt a warm energy of acceptance coming from the author, which really really helped me while i was processing some tough stuff and challenging my own negative beliefs.
Although it’s only 180 pages, i took my time going through the book and finished it over the span of about 10 or 14 days i’m
not really sure. I wanted to make sure that i was able to process the information in small chunks and then try to apply the tools she had laid out in real time. and i can say that by the time i was 20 pages in, i was already able to better understand the pendulum swings of my own anxiety in my daily life.
Now that i’ve finished the book i feel that i know how my brain works - both with and against me. i feel very well equipped to forge my own path to “recovery” with the tools and exercises provided. And i plan to come back and re-read this book many times to fully digest and use her expertise to its fullest extent.
If you are struggling with relationship anxiety, regular anxiety, ocd or just any other negative thought patterns, THIS BOOK WILL HELP YOU. I cannot express how grateful i am to have found this resource when i truly needed it the most. Sheva Rajaee, you will forever be a rockstar in my world!! <3
July 26, 2024
As someone who has a partner who struggles with ROCD, this book was really helpful. I think it gave me a much better understanding of his struggles and how I can help as well. Even for those without ROCD, I think there are lessons that anyone can learn in regards to how anxiety can affect relationships in general as well. I'd recommend this to anyone who knows anyone struggling with ROCD and even those who struggle with anxiety in relationships.
December 1, 2023
literally cannot recommend enough
August 26, 2024
bardzo dobra książka w temacie! jak ktoś się z tym zmaga to serdecznie polecam
October 4, 2024
Only took half a year to get er done!!! And now I probably need to read again
The book i recommend to everyone who thinks that surely everyone hates them
The book i recommend to everyone who thinks that surely everyone hates them
January 4, 2026
Too late but i enjoyed it so much
February 5, 2025
This book! An absolute game changer for me now that I’ve found it. It should be required reading! For anyone with relationship anxiety, perfectionism, or anxiety or OCD in general, this book addresses the heart of the matter, with wide reaching applications. I’ll be buying a physical copy to re-read and take notes. I’ll be recommending this to clients and friends. If I could give it 6 stars, I would. The indoctrination of the myth of “The One” has far reaching implications for relationships from relationship dissatisfaction to fodder for anxious or even ROCD ruminations. This book helps me to let myself be human and my partner be human. If I could have gotten my hands on this book in early adulthood and been in a place where I could really internalize its teachings, life *could* have been very different for me. I’m grateful to be in that place now.
May 10, 2024
This was such an interesting read. I don’t felt like the main points of it super applied to me, but I loved that it gave space to validate all emotions involved in relationships and situationships. Lots of emphasis on grace and individual acceptance, which is so important for people to hear!
“In a word, the work is to trust- not that everything will be okay but that we’ll me okay- even if things don’t end up the way we wanted them to”
“The more willing we are to tunnel into darkness, the more brilliant the light on the other side”
“Your anxiety will be hell, but it will also be your salvation. You just have to let the pain wash through.”
“In a word, the work is to trust- not that everything will be okay but that we’ll me okay- even if things don’t end up the way we wanted them to”
“The more willing we are to tunnel into darkness, the more brilliant the light on the other side”
“Your anxiety will be hell, but it will also be your salvation. You just have to let the pain wash through.”
July 5, 2024
This book was incredible for helping me recognize patterns in my thoughts and behaviors and stop them- I am glad someone has figured out how to put it all into words! I know i’ll return to parts to it everytime i need support!
January 7, 2026
First read of 2026! Packed full of good insights I ❤️ my big juicy Brain
February 9, 2026
4.5/5. Very good and thought provoking. This book did focus more on avoidant behavior but I fear I have the opposite problem 🥲 Learned a lot about managing anxiety and living in the unknown!
March 3, 2026
To my relationship anxiety / relationship ocd people, this is THE book! Obviously the book alone won’t heal everything but it’s an amazing guide
August 21, 2025
Really interesting psychological concepts here. I would dip into it again if I was feeling anxious.
Finished reading this on the plane home.
Finished reading this on the plane home.
June 2, 2023
All I can say is thank the universe that this book exists and that I was recommended it when it was. This work is some of the hardest I've ever done and knowing it's lifelong tends to fill me with unbearable despair, but as I learned from my OCD therapist, that usually passes after a few minutes. This book has been helping me so deeply. I feel better having the tools that the author shares, especially since they are suggested by someone who understands what special pocket of hell ROCD feels like. This book didn't make all these big promises of "we will tell you the key in the next chapter," I appreciated that it didn't string me along and actually delivered on insight and action items, as well as personal stories. I cried at some point during most of the chapters, and it is pushing me to keep mending my fences, as that one client talked about. This work is brutal, but the alternative is much worse.
March 9, 2023
Marking for reread. ❤️
Extremely grateful to my therapist for recommending this book. The author treats ROCD and its sufferers gently and without judgement, but still keeps it real about the severity of this condition and the anxiety, shame, and guilt it causes. I first read this book about a year ago, and still find it as helpful now as it was then. I highly recommend this book to both those new to their OCD diagnosis (or those with relationship anxiety) and those farther along their healing journey.
Extremely grateful to my therapist for recommending this book. The author treats ROCD and its sufferers gently and without judgement, but still keeps it real about the severity of this condition and the anxiety, shame, and guilt it causes. I first read this book about a year ago, and still find it as helpful now as it was then. I highly recommend this book to both those new to their OCD diagnosis (or those with relationship anxiety) and those farther along their healing journey.
October 3, 2023
Banger.
March 8, 2026
I think the most difficult thing about self help books to get through is the coddling voice being used throughout. I feel like half of the time I spent reading this book could have been saved if half of the book wasn’t centered in redundant affirmations and assurances, which is why it is missing two stars.
I also typically love and refer to psychology books instead of self help, which is why when my therapist recommended this book to better understand my OCD and how it shows up (quite intensely) in my relationship, I was incredibly excited to be met with pure fact and action (in this case, often times, external inaction with a lot of internal cord pulling). However, I was again met with what felt like each chapter being a run on sentence that could have been simplified from an hour of reading to a couple minutes toward a couple of much more efficient paragraphs.
The 3 stars are not overly charitable or generous, if anything they are not charitable at all, however, they are there because it is a sincerely helpful read. Of course, if you truly have rocd or relationship anxiety this book will absolutely triggers thoughts, anxiety, and compulsion, which inevitably makes it a slower read as you process and digest, but there were effective strategies that I’ve come to realize I’m now using every single day, whether it be in my free time, at work, or when directly interacting with my partner.
I wish anyone going through ROCD best of luck because it is beyond exhausting, gut-wrenching, and debilitating, and this book thankfully doesn’t shy away from that fact, it just appears that the endless road to recovery and stability is an (unfortunately) equally exhausting process, however, this book will inspire you to endeavor on that process regardless! Thanks Sheva, just a little less small talk next time, jesus.
I also typically love and refer to psychology books instead of self help, which is why when my therapist recommended this book to better understand my OCD and how it shows up (quite intensely) in my relationship, I was incredibly excited to be met with pure fact and action (in this case, often times, external inaction with a lot of internal cord pulling). However, I was again met with what felt like each chapter being a run on sentence that could have been simplified from an hour of reading to a couple minutes toward a couple of much more efficient paragraphs.
The 3 stars are not overly charitable or generous, if anything they are not charitable at all, however, they are there because it is a sincerely helpful read. Of course, if you truly have rocd or relationship anxiety this book will absolutely triggers thoughts, anxiety, and compulsion, which inevitably makes it a slower read as you process and digest, but there were effective strategies that I’ve come to realize I’m now using every single day, whether it be in my free time, at work, or when directly interacting with my partner.
I wish anyone going through ROCD best of luck because it is beyond exhausting, gut-wrenching, and debilitating, and this book thankfully doesn’t shy away from that fact, it just appears that the endless road to recovery and stability is an (unfortunately) equally exhausting process, however, this book will inspire you to endeavor on that process regardless! Thanks Sheva, just a little less small talk next time, jesus.
February 26, 2025
A wonderful resource for anyone struggling with the impact of OCD in their relationship!
Her words challenged me to transform many assumptions that I didn't even know I had about romance and relationships. I absolutely love and appreciate the author's willingness to call out the stereotypical expectations and assumptions associated with "MOTO" (myth of the one). I did not realize how I was so tied up in this cultural construct of the ideal relationship!
I appreciated the structure of the book, the pace, the practical and personal examples and stories... and the genuine encouragement the author so compassionately delivers throughout the book.
Some themes such as embracing the gray areas, not escaping uncertainty, and avoiding binary / all or nothing thinking will stick with me for much time to come!
Even with the cheesy examples and some repetitive phrases, I still rate a 5 stars overall!
Thank you to the author for sharing her hard-earned expertise. And prayers and encouragement to all of the other readers out there fighting battles with their OCD. God bless!
Her words challenged me to transform many assumptions that I didn't even know I had about romance and relationships. I absolutely love and appreciate the author's willingness to call out the stereotypical expectations and assumptions associated with "MOTO" (myth of the one). I did not realize how I was so tied up in this cultural construct of the ideal relationship!
I appreciated the structure of the book, the pace, the practical and personal examples and stories... and the genuine encouragement the author so compassionately delivers throughout the book.
Some themes such as embracing the gray areas, not escaping uncertainty, and avoiding binary / all or nothing thinking will stick with me for much time to come!
Even with the cheesy examples and some repetitive phrases, I still rate a 5 stars overall!
Thank you to the author for sharing her hard-earned expertise. And prayers and encouragement to all of the other readers out there fighting battles with their OCD. God bless!
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