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Stop Walking on Eggshells for Parents: How to Help Your Child (of Any Age) with Borderline Personality Disorder without Losing Yourself
Based on the self-help classic, Stop Walking on Eggshells, this essential guide offers powerful skills and strategies for parenting a child of any age with borderline personality disorder (BPD)—without sacrificing their family or themselves.
If you have a child with BPD, you are all-too-aware of the behavioral and emotional issues that are linked to this disorder—including rages, self-harm, sexual acting out, substance abuse, suicidal behaviors, physical and emotional attacks, and more. Traditional parenting strategies that work on other kids just don’t work with a borderline child. But you shouldn’t lose hope. The good news is that there are parenting strategies that do work.
With this comprehensive resource, you will learn all about borderline personality disorder, how it shows up in children, adolescents, and your adult children, how to obtain proper treatment, and how to manage your child’s condition at home. You’ll find proven-effective strategies to help you communicate and improve your relationship with your child of any age, and, as a result, improve your own life as a parent and an individual. You’ll also find real stories and advice from parents who have also experienced raising a child with BPD.
Most importantly, you’ll learn how to maintain boundaries and validate your child while also meeting your own needs. Whether your child is 5 or 25, this book offers tools to help you and your family thrive.
If you have a child with BPD, you are all-too-aware of the behavioral and emotional issues that are linked to this disorder—including rages, self-harm, sexual acting out, substance abuse, suicidal behaviors, physical and emotional attacks, and more. Traditional parenting strategies that work on other kids just don’t work with a borderline child. But you shouldn’t lose hope. The good news is that there are parenting strategies that do work.
With this comprehensive resource, you will learn all about borderline personality disorder, how it shows up in children, adolescents, and your adult children, how to obtain proper treatment, and how to manage your child’s condition at home. You’ll find proven-effective strategies to help you communicate and improve your relationship with your child of any age, and, as a result, improve your own life as a parent and an individual. You’ll also find real stories and advice from parents who have also experienced raising a child with BPD.
Most importantly, you’ll learn how to maintain boundaries and validate your child while also meeting your own needs. Whether your child is 5 or 25, this book offers tools to help you and your family thrive.
272 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 2022
323 people are currently reading
1247 people want to read
About the author
Randi Kreger
28 books41 followersRandi Kreger is a best-selling author of books about borderline personality disorder. Her site also offers a number of specialized booklets and CDs for family members. The site is also a conduit to her online family support community "Welcome to Oz."
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
January 5, 2022
Borderline Personality Disorder is rampant in my family, so this is an issue I have a lot of experience with. This book is written by one of the authors of Stop Walking on Eggshells, which I have not read but I have heard that it really vilifies people with BPD. I believe that, as this book really shines an unpleasant light on people with the disorder. Kreger talks constantly about not "feeding the monster" and while he's referring to the illness, it makes it seem like he considers kids and young adults with BPD to be monsters. He gives a lot of examples of behavior of kids and adults with BPD that's really abusive, ugly, illegal, threatening, etc.
Chapters include subjects like what to do if your child is arrested, dealing with their self harm and suicide threats/warnings, dealing with grown children who have BPD and are abusing or neglecting your grandchildren, what to do if they abuse you, dealing with their drug abuse, etc. They are mostly depicted as incredibly volatile, aggressive, manipulative, selfish, delusional and mean. Some people with BPD certainly can be, but this book doesn't even really go into the many people who are more inwardly abusive - quietly hating themselves, self harming, thinking nobody loves them, etc.
It also really gives the impression that all cases are severe and permanent, and that your BPD child will never really be successful and/or happy. The best case scenario here is that they can be functional or at least not live with you and make you miserable for the rest of your life. Most of the "success stories" involve parents who "learned to set limits" and often cut off contact or became very peripheral in their adult children's lives. The parents are depicted as saintly, faultless victims, and it never really goes into the fact that BPD is often a reaction to severe childhood abuse, neglect and/or trauma (not at all always -- there does seem to be a high genetic factor).
It's written in a fairly punitive, very controlling way. I can imagine a lot of the advice making situations worse and making teens feel much more depressed and alone, like the advice to take your child's bedroom door off for two weeks if they self harm. There's also just no real feeling of support and hope for parents or kids. The only support for parents is really in the sense of you can take your life back, not of your child will get through this and it can better for everyone.
I suspect that a lot of parents of kids with BPD will like this book. There are lots of quotes from other parents about what the experience has been like for them and/or what worked for them. It's very validating of parents and the advice about how to communicate is fairly helpful (don't rationalize or argue, do empathize and be brief, etc.). I can't help but feel that life will be harder for a lot of kids whose parents get this book, though, and not necessarily in an ultimately constructive way. The lack of empathy is just staggering. It really does depict people with BPD like life-destroying psychopaths.
This is a subject that needs to be written about, but it's a shame that this is the book that was written.
I read a digital ARC of this book for review.
Chapters include subjects like what to do if your child is arrested, dealing with their self harm and suicide threats/warnings, dealing with grown children who have BPD and are abusing or neglecting your grandchildren, what to do if they abuse you, dealing with their drug abuse, etc. They are mostly depicted as incredibly volatile, aggressive, manipulative, selfish, delusional and mean. Some people with BPD certainly can be, but this book doesn't even really go into the many people who are more inwardly abusive - quietly hating themselves, self harming, thinking nobody loves them, etc.
It also really gives the impression that all cases are severe and permanent, and that your BPD child will never really be successful and/or happy. The best case scenario here is that they can be functional or at least not live with you and make you miserable for the rest of your life. Most of the "success stories" involve parents who "learned to set limits" and often cut off contact or became very peripheral in their adult children's lives. The parents are depicted as saintly, faultless victims, and it never really goes into the fact that BPD is often a reaction to severe childhood abuse, neglect and/or trauma (not at all always -- there does seem to be a high genetic factor).
It's written in a fairly punitive, very controlling way. I can imagine a lot of the advice making situations worse and making teens feel much more depressed and alone, like the advice to take your child's bedroom door off for two weeks if they self harm. There's also just no real feeling of support and hope for parents or kids. The only support for parents is really in the sense of you can take your life back, not of your child will get through this and it can better for everyone.
I suspect that a lot of parents of kids with BPD will like this book. There are lots of quotes from other parents about what the experience has been like for them and/or what worked for them. It's very validating of parents and the advice about how to communicate is fairly helpful (don't rationalize or argue, do empathize and be brief, etc.). I can't help but feel that life will be harder for a lot of kids whose parents get this book, though, and not necessarily in an ultimately constructive way. The lack of empathy is just staggering. It really does depict people with BPD like life-destroying psychopaths.
This is a subject that needs to be written about, but it's a shame that this is the book that was written.
I read a digital ARC of this book for review.
July 10, 2024
3***
Before recommending a popular book to my clients and/or their families, I want to make sure I’ve read it first. So here goes:
What I liked: This book gives great recommendations and tips for families dealing with someone who has borderline personality disorder (BPD). It helps give clarity about their mood swings, their erratic behavior, their “splitting” (seeing everything in black-or-white terms). It gives insight to how dysfunctional BPD can be, and it also gives comfort that you are not insane as you recognize your experiences and reactions are normal when dealing with a person suffering from BPD. It’s simple and efficient, and it focuses on what to say/not say while also giving strong suggestions for self-care and making sure other family members are also given the attention that they need.
What I didn’t like: First, (and the authors would strongly disagree with me), BPD cannot be diagnosed as a pre-teen or adolescent per the DSM-V. People can mistakenly diagnose their child because they may make similar statements as someone with true BPD, such as “My boyfriend broke up with me. I’ll never be loved again” or “My teacher hates me and that’s why I am getting an F in the class. They are the worst teacher ever.” When you parent a teen, you will hear statements like this all the time. They can be emotional, erratic, argumentative - but that doesn’t mean they have BPD. They are experiencing normal hormonal fluctuations along with identifying with their peers while also separating from their family. My fear here is that parents will then begin to diagnose normal - albeit very difficult - behavior because it is erratic, uncomfortable, and sometimes highly unmanageable. Anyone who has raised a teen knows full well the drama and intensity of emotions that their child experiences. That doesn’t mean they are mentally ill.
However, regardless of whether a child/teenager/adult can be diagnosed with BPD, the tools and techniques offered in this book would help anyone. They help people learn to validate a person’s feelings, to communicate respectfully, to set boundaries, to give consequences for inappropriate behavior, to practice self-care. All of these techniques would work not just with people with BPD, but with ANYONE. The book also gives highly relevant examples that are very relatable.
Please don’t misunderstand me - BPD is very difficult for families. It can be toxic and dysfunctional for everyone involved, especially the one who is suffering from it. It can also be treated with very specific forms of therapy. But it is also not very common, and people reading this book run the risk of diagnosing people or themselves with a personality disorder that they can then use to possibly excuse their behavior or even worse, mislabel themselves which then can have a downward spiral effect because of their negative reaction to a difficult diagnosis.
So, just be careful when picking up this book. If a therapist has diagnosed your adult child with BPD, the information given is incredibly helpful. But if you are a parent of a teen or preteen, I fear that normal behavior is being misdiagnosed which can have serious, unintentional consequences Still, the positive techniques that this book provides - without the label of BPD - is equally helpful.
Before recommending a popular book to my clients and/or their families, I want to make sure I’ve read it first. So here goes:
What I liked: This book gives great recommendations and tips for families dealing with someone who has borderline personality disorder (BPD). It helps give clarity about their mood swings, their erratic behavior, their “splitting” (seeing everything in black-or-white terms). It gives insight to how dysfunctional BPD can be, and it also gives comfort that you are not insane as you recognize your experiences and reactions are normal when dealing with a person suffering from BPD. It’s simple and efficient, and it focuses on what to say/not say while also giving strong suggestions for self-care and making sure other family members are also given the attention that they need.
What I didn’t like: First, (and the authors would strongly disagree with me), BPD cannot be diagnosed as a pre-teen or adolescent per the DSM-V. People can mistakenly diagnose their child because they may make similar statements as someone with true BPD, such as “My boyfriend broke up with me. I’ll never be loved again” or “My teacher hates me and that’s why I am getting an F in the class. They are the worst teacher ever.” When you parent a teen, you will hear statements like this all the time. They can be emotional, erratic, argumentative - but that doesn’t mean they have BPD. They are experiencing normal hormonal fluctuations along with identifying with their peers while also separating from their family. My fear here is that parents will then begin to diagnose normal - albeit very difficult - behavior because it is erratic, uncomfortable, and sometimes highly unmanageable. Anyone who has raised a teen knows full well the drama and intensity of emotions that their child experiences. That doesn’t mean they are mentally ill.
However, regardless of whether a child/teenager/adult can be diagnosed with BPD, the tools and techniques offered in this book would help anyone. They help people learn to validate a person’s feelings, to communicate respectfully, to set boundaries, to give consequences for inappropriate behavior, to practice self-care. All of these techniques would work not just with people with BPD, but with ANYONE. The book also gives highly relevant examples that are very relatable.
Please don’t misunderstand me - BPD is very difficult for families. It can be toxic and dysfunctional for everyone involved, especially the one who is suffering from it. It can also be treated with very specific forms of therapy. But it is also not very common, and people reading this book run the risk of diagnosing people or themselves with a personality disorder that they can then use to possibly excuse their behavior or even worse, mislabel themselves which then can have a downward spiral effect because of their negative reaction to a difficult diagnosis.
So, just be careful when picking up this book. If a therapist has diagnosed your adult child with BPD, the information given is incredibly helpful. But if you are a parent of a teen or preteen, I fear that normal behavior is being misdiagnosed which can have serious, unintentional consequences Still, the positive techniques that this book provides - without the label of BPD - is equally helpful.
March 18, 2022
Randi Kreger knows the what’s what and the who’s who of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). She is a beacon of needed light and understanding here.
If you are a parent who thinks this may be part of your child’s story, then this is your book. It is written in plain, neutral language and well-organized with a summary of key takeaways at the end of each chapter.
Readers reap the experience of Randi, parents in her support groups, and the expert co-authors who share what works, what doesn’t, and why. I came away feeling so much better equipped to help my adult child and myself.
If you are a parent who thinks this may be part of your child’s story, then this is your book. It is written in plain, neutral language and well-organized with a summary of key takeaways at the end of each chapter.
Readers reap the experience of Randi, parents in her support groups, and the expert co-authors who share what works, what doesn’t, and why. I came away feeling so much better equipped to help my adult child and myself.
December 9, 2025
Read during the “Let Them” craze on recommendation from a friend as better advice on boundaries. Good advice on communication skills and boundary setting for anyone (not only BPD). Really liked the chapters with specific communication tools for different situations laid out step by step. The first half of the book is very BPD specific so interesting but not necessarily completely applicable to everyone.
June 12, 2022
Wish I had this book 15 to 20 years ago
the strategies to deal with a child with irrational rage and risky behavior seems like it should work
the strategies to deal with a child with irrational rage and risky behavior seems like it should work
January 3, 2025
This book has some really good suggestions on ways to set boundaries and take care of yourself. I really liked the two acronyms for ways to respond to your child without becoming defensive. It did feel like most of this book was fluff to fill the pages, and could easily have been a blog post.
January 27, 2024
The first part of this book is great. I learnt a lot about the disorder and there are some great tools in the book like JADE, BIFF etc. If people are reading the book for children who are closer to the early - mid 20’s, this book isn’t as relevant except for one chapter, so probably the other eggshells book is better for that as it will still explain BPD but without the younger child/teen examples.
I felt there are contradictions and also a lack of educated knowledgeable around parenting approaches that help children grow and develop with their intrinsic motivation.
At the start of the book it talks about kids with BPD not responding the same way to rewards and consequences, but then later in the book it advises to use rewards and “consequences”. I find this misunderstanding in many parenting books where they replace punishment with consequences thinking they are different but they aren’t. If a teen misuses their phone (maybe by throwing it) and you take the phone that is not a “consequence”, it’s a punishment.
I’m not saying that is not necessary for some teens as they are all different, but disguising it as a “consequence” is incorrect. The only consequences that really exist are natural ones. So in that scenario the consequence may be that the phone breaks and you don’t replace it. That’s a natural consequence. A great book on understanding that rewards and punishments don’t work long term is Alfie Kohn’s “Punished by Rewards”.
I still think this book is a worthwhile read, but not the best with actual disciple that chooses connection over control, but good in combination with other books on parenting that encourage connection above control (taking into account sometimes a different approach is needed for kids with BPD).
I felt there are contradictions and also a lack of educated knowledgeable around parenting approaches that help children grow and develop with their intrinsic motivation.
At the start of the book it talks about kids with BPD not responding the same way to rewards and consequences, but then later in the book it advises to use rewards and “consequences”. I find this misunderstanding in many parenting books where they replace punishment with consequences thinking they are different but they aren’t. If a teen misuses their phone (maybe by throwing it) and you take the phone that is not a “consequence”, it’s a punishment.
I’m not saying that is not necessary for some teens as they are all different, but disguising it as a “consequence” is incorrect. The only consequences that really exist are natural ones. So in that scenario the consequence may be that the phone breaks and you don’t replace it. That’s a natural consequence. A great book on understanding that rewards and punishments don’t work long term is Alfie Kohn’s “Punished by Rewards”.
I still think this book is a worthwhile read, but not the best with actual disciple that chooses connection over control, but good in combination with other books on parenting that encourage connection above control (taking into account sometimes a different approach is needed for kids with BPD).
March 15, 2024
I liked a lot about this book, in that I found the practical communication tips and informative about a lot of aspects of BPD. The reminders for not taking things personally and how to respond in a helpful way were very useful.
I'm not giving this five stars despite this for a couple of reasons. There were parts where I felt that people with BPD were almost villainized? The authors were actually very careful to say that the "monster" was BPD, not the person with it, and I appreciated that, but in my experience, BPD itself is not even always a "monster". The extremes are there with hard emotions, but also with amazing ones. My kid with suspected BPD is A LOT, but in all the good ways as well as difficult.
I also REALLY didn't like that they were cool with not telling the child their diagnosis. No. Your kid is a human being who deserves to know the fullness of what they are being defined as. They are the ones in therapy, doing psychological testing, taking medication. They have the right to know what doctors are saying about them. If they don't WANT to know - fine. But it should be their choice, and it should be offered that the information will be there for them if or when they are ready for it. I'm not cool with parents just not telling their own kid what is suspected, what is a huge concern for their own life.
I'm not giving this five stars despite this for a couple of reasons. There were parts where I felt that people with BPD were almost villainized? The authors were actually very careful to say that the "monster" was BPD, not the person with it, and I appreciated that, but in my experience, BPD itself is not even always a "monster". The extremes are there with hard emotions, but also with amazing ones. My kid with suspected BPD is A LOT, but in all the good ways as well as difficult.
I also REALLY didn't like that they were cool with not telling the child their diagnosis. No. Your kid is a human being who deserves to know the fullness of what they are being defined as. They are the ones in therapy, doing psychological testing, taking medication. They have the right to know what doctors are saying about them. If they don't WANT to know - fine. But it should be their choice, and it should be offered that the information will be there for them if or when they are ready for it. I'm not cool with parents just not telling their own kid what is suspected, what is a huge concern for their own life.
May 25, 2022
Please Read if you or someone you know has a child with BPD
I’m the parent of an adult BPD child currently in a residential program. Believe me, this book and its sibling book Walking on Eggshells, is a morale life saver.
I strongly recommend that parents of an adult or preteen BPD sufferer find a Social Worker Advocate when your child enters a hospital for the time. This person will be able to stay with your child as they move through the mental health system and wrangle benefits they will need.
Also contact NAMI. They get it. Other parents and suffers of BPD can get support there.
This book is an excellent introduction to the world of major mental health sufferers and their families. Please read it! You are not alone!
I’m the parent of an adult BPD child currently in a residential program. Believe me, this book and its sibling book Walking on Eggshells, is a morale life saver.
I strongly recommend that parents of an adult or preteen BPD sufferer find a Social Worker Advocate when your child enters a hospital for the time. This person will be able to stay with your child as they move through the mental health system and wrangle benefits they will need.
Also contact NAMI. They get it. Other parents and suffers of BPD can get support there.
This book is an excellent introduction to the world of major mental health sufferers and their families. Please read it! You are not alone!
July 11, 2024
I read this book although I do not have a kid with BPD. I read it for the "walking on eggshells" part because many disorders make parents feel that way. So with that in mind, the strategies of dealing with behavior issues from a variety of disorders can be applied. I found chapter 12, parenting an adult child, particularly insightful. (There are chapters for younger kids too).
The concepts of cherishing but disengaging and detaching with love were helpful. After the active child raising years are over, parents must realize that they didn't cause the disorder, can't control it and can't cure it.
And lastly, the book ends with a few stories of hope, which I appreciated.
The concepts of cherishing but disengaging and detaching with love were helpful. After the active child raising years are over, parents must realize that they didn't cause the disorder, can't control it and can't cure it.
And lastly, the book ends with a few stories of hope, which I appreciated.
February 12, 2022
The best book that I've read on the subject so far. It has helped me understand my daughter. The brief explanations of SET-UP and BIFF are very well written. I will seek more information about these forms of communication.
Thank you for the chapter on mental health care for the parents. This is so very important. We can't parent our children who have BPD well if our own mental health is suffering.
Thank you for the chapter on mental health care for the parents. This is so very important. We can't parent our children who have BPD well if our own mental health is suffering.
February 25, 2022
Would have been nice to have years ago had they dx'd my kid correctly instead of brushing my "excessive behaviour" concerns aside and simply offering meds. It does explain some of the "you'll be doing this forever" regarding dealing with the behaviour and how I had to have rules and stick to them - ie. boundaries.. wish I'd known about that too - comments from the Child Psychiatrist but all he wanted to discuss was... meds.
June 27, 2023
Read in one day, couldn’t put it down! This is definitely an enlightening perspective on a frequently misunderstood diagnosis. As a therapist, I would absolutely recommend this to clients that have a loved one with BPD. I wish more discussion was had about personal boundaries of those that are NBPD, how to navigate when to leave a relationship, and the ways to find support for those with BPD. This seemed primarily directed towards those with BPD children, spouses, or parents.
December 28, 2024
excellent advice
I have a 23 year old who was diagnosed bipolar as a child, but learning more about borderline has me convinced she was actually struggling with BPD since before elementary school. These college- age and older years have had improvements, but also new challenges. This book has helped me figure out new ways of dealing with the behaviors and also has encouraged me to focus on myself and my mental health. Practical and not just full of scary stories.
I have a 23 year old who was diagnosed bipolar as a child, but learning more about borderline has me convinced she was actually struggling with BPD since before elementary school. These college- age and older years have had improvements, but also new challenges. This book has helped me figure out new ways of dealing with the behaviors and also has encouraged me to focus on myself and my mental health. Practical and not just full of scary stories.
August 12, 2022
This book was incredibly informative relating to a few relationships in my personal life. The book does a wonderful job with BPD descriptions in the beginning and ways to progress with relationships (of any kind) through the remainder of the book. One could tell that this was well thought out and modified with continued research and examination over several decades.
June 3, 2023
Read this to better understand the incredibly difficult situation a dear friend is going through with their new-adult child, and found it helpful. Borderline personality disorder is not easy to understand, let alone easy to cope with or treat. Recommended for families struggling with anyone with this diagnosis. 3 stars because it's not exactly a book to be read for pleasure.
February 21, 2022
"It's not about you" therapy is likely still more effective. Autism is probably playing a bigger role than this book acknowledges. But kudos to these parents for trying wherever it is they're at with things.
April 4, 2022
I was sent a copy from goodreads give away and I can honestly helped me understand the perspective. As a mother I found it strange that even with though my child doesn’t have BPD it was still relatable to my children’s friends.
May 30, 2024
This book came to me at a time that I really needed it. I needed the information to understand and find compassion for the person I help. I needed to learn how to set boundaries for that person and how to talk to them in a way that would not escalate situations.
September 8, 2024
I was recommended this by my therapist due to some complex characters in my life, not necessarily with BPD, while I'm not a child but a sibling there were some helpful tips. I will check out other iterations of this book (it was confusing choosing which one to read.)
December 28, 2025
As a parent of an adult child with BPD, this book gave me comfort in knowing that I am not alone. It validated my feelings of guilt and shame and gave me tools to combat the constant rollercoaster of feelings.
April 19, 2022
*received for free from netgalley for honest review* I didn't need to read this book since i don't have any children, but seemed like a useful book to read and i think it was. Would recommend.
November 20, 2022
Practical advice and stories from other parents. Could be very helpful for those with a troubled child.
June 3, 2023
Revelatory, deeply upsetting, and validating. This will be the first of many books I am likely to read on this subject.
June 10, 2023
This was okay, but not sufficient for dealing with an adolescent with very severe issues.
January 14, 2024
Having a child with BPD this book helped me understand more about the disease as well as how is a family to cope
February 16, 2024
Really helpful and useful
April 4, 2024
Somethings I felt were spot on, and some of the commentaries were in contrary to what the author was saying. Meh.
August 6, 2024
This book helped me more than any other BPD book so far. It’s excellent information.
September 23, 2024
3 stars. For me, this book felt mainly targeted for parents of younger children. I previously read SWOE and its attendant workbook. Those were better suited for me and gained a 5 star rating.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews