The Intimate Marriage: A Practical Guide To Building a Great Marriage

by R.C. Sproul

A commonsense guide to the skills of marriage that will lead the reader past potential problems and into joyous communion with his or her partner.

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Theology, Nonfiction, Family, Christian Living, Religion

127 pages, Mass Market Paperback

First published January 1, 1975

About the author

Dr. R.C. Sproul (1939–2017) was founder of Ligonier Ministries, an international Christian discipleship organization located near Orlando, Fla. He was founding pastor of Saint Andrew’s Chapel in Sanford, Fla., first president of Reformation Bible College, and executive editor of Tabletalk magazine.

Ligonier Ministries began in 1971 as the Ligonier Valley Study Center in Ligonier, Pa. In an effort to respond more effectively to the growing demand for Dr. Sproul’s teachings and the ministry’s other educational resources, the general offices were moved to Orlando in 1984, and the ministry was renamed.

Dr. Sproul’s radio program, Renewing Your Mind, is still broadcast daily on hundreds of radio stations around the world and can also be heard online. Dr. Sproul produced hundreds of lecture series and recorded numerous video series on subjects such as the history of philosophy, theology, Bible study, apologetics, and Christian living.

He contributed dozens of articles to national evangelical publications, spoke at conferences, churches, and academic institutions around the world, and wrote more than one hundred books, including The Holiness of God, Chosen by God, and Everyone’s a Theologian. He signed the 1978 Chicago Statement on Biblical Inerrancy and wrote a commentary on that document. He also served as general editor of the Reformation Study Bible, previously known as the New Geneva Study Bible.

Dr. Sproul had a distinguished academic teaching career at various colleges and seminaries, including Reformed Theological Seminary in Orlando and Jackson, Miss. He was ordained as a teaching elder in the Presbyterian Church in America.

Reviews

[Kofi Opoku · Rating 4 out of 5]

Update: Finished again in March 2023. I’m a bit more mature now than when I first read it and I can say that Sproul is right on several points.

The book is was really good. Dr. Sproul touches on several important (and relevant) issues in a very practical way. It covers basically everything: communication, roles, sex, divorce, etc. He laces it with his personal experience and some humor, making it a very enjoyable read. I would recommend this for couples preparing for marriage and for those in all seasons of marriage.

[Ryan Watkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book for preparing for marriage. Lots of good practical advice on communication, headship, and sex.

[Emily Funkhouser · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not my favorite ever marriage book but still lots of truth. Sproul is pretty brief throughout and covers many challenges to marriage and addressing biblical solutions. I did not enjoy it as I did other marriage-theology books, both because it’s brevity made several discussions feel a little incomplete and because it felt a little lacking in emphasis on the missional/gospel-picturing design of marriage.

[Mattie Thompson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good and practical advice on marriage laced with Sproul’s personal experience and humor… I recommend it to young couples and those contemplating marriage.

[Jimmy · Rating 5 out of 5]

How is your marriage doing? Are you growing in loving each other and also growing in godliness? Do you desire to read a book that would help you strive to grow in these areas for your marriage? If so this book is for you. I realize the title of the book might sound its about sex but it isn’t solely on sex, though it does talk about that subject for one of the chapters. It’s really a book on godly love between a husband and wife and what does God’s way looks like. My wife and I immensely enjoyed this work. I found this work very helpful so much so that I incorporated some of the insights of the book into my twenty four session series on marriage difficulties.
This was first written by the late RC Sproul in 1975 though it was reissued by the publishers in 2003. Given that this was one of the earlier books by Sproul I found the work refreshing and also it was more “raw,” in the sense of him speaking in quite a transparent and honest manner about his flaws and desires. I was kind of surprised at some of the things Sproul talked about!
This book has six chapters. Chapter one is on communication in marriage, chapter two is on the role of the man and woman in marriage while chapter three is about problems in marriage and chapter four is about divorce. Chapter is about communication and sex while chapter six is titled “The Institution and Sanctity of Marriage.” Each of the chapter’s topic is important and relevant. They are biblical and practical.
I recommend this book!
Here are some of the insights I appreciated from the book:
• Intimacy is more than physical sexual relations. One can have sex without intimacy but one cannot communicate in marriage without intimacy (12). That intimacy between a husband and wife must also proceed before sexual union and of course intimacy increases with that coming first before sexual acts.
• Husbands and wives should work hard to learn and know about each others. The task of learning about one’s spouse never ends (23).
• 50/50 marriage is a myth. It isn’t reality and two things happen when one strive to have exactly 50/50 marriage: the marriage becomes paralyzed by stand off and/or there’s a constant struggle for authority (47).
• A wife shouldn’t subvert husband’s authoritative role even is the husband neglects his responsibility of leading the family. That’s similar to the way a son does not become the dad just because the dad neglect his duty of being a godly father (49).
• It’s all too easy for married men to give more attention to his spouse when he was courting his wife than when he’s married. But this ought not be.
• If marriage problems are solved it must be done biblically (66).

[Chad Duke · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good book.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I always like Sproul's writing. Lots of good insight as we approach year 14 together. Never too old to take a good look at your marriage.

[Kathleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

What an excellent book!

Very practical & biblically grounded.

I found the chapters on closeness & communication extremely insightful.

Dr. Sproul's examples were very relatable, things lots of couples likely struggle with.

His direct & no nonsense approach to male headship in marriage was truly a breath of fresh air.

He addresses how a man is to live with his wife & covers problem solving on a number of issues.

I found the book both useful & enjoyable to read.

Highly recommend this book for everyone from singles looking forward to marriage, newlyweds to those who've been married a very long time.

[Mercedes Cordero · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good book with great biblical advice. What I loved most about this book is that R.C. Sproul shows his marriage for what it is. He doesn't present his wife as this overly submissive, silent partner (which is what many authors think a godly woman should behave like). Instead, she is a vivacious Christian woman who is not afraid to give her opinion, but not in a disrespectful way. And this is what I learned from it: as a wife I am to submit to my husband, who is the head of the house, but my input, my opinions, my biblical advice is welcomed and useful as well.

[Chad · Rating 4 out of 5]

Useful, biblical advice marriage advice, though it fell short of my high expectations for a Sproul book. Chapters end with discussion questions.

Notes
Communication in Marriage
Speak directly, not vaguely and indirectly.

If your spouse often brings up a topic, ask yourself if they're trying to say something indirectly.

Discuss the gifts you want honestly to avoid wrong assumptions.

Discover what makes your spouse feel loved, and show it often.

Make a conscious effort to study (get to know) your spouse. Even simple questions can stimulate informative conversation.

You and spouse separately list 10 specific needs or desires that you'd like the other to fulfill. Then each make list of 10 items you think the other listed. Then compare lists.

The Role of the Man and Woman in Marriage
When Bible says to love spouse, it doesn't mean to conjure a feeling, but to treat in loving way.

Husband should pay attention to and show affection to wife as he did when dating.

Consider annual "honeymoon" to get away and spend time as couple.

Problems in Marriage

Often the difference between a healthy marriage and a defective one is not the number or severity of problems encountered but the way problems are dealt with.

Jesus said not to be anxious about the future; He didn't say to not consider and plan for it.

When discussing problems, calmly ask, "Why do you feel like that?" and listen to the answer.

To deal with anger, ask yourself, "What makes me angry? Why? How do I handle frustration? Why? How do I handle disappointment? Why?"

When someone offends you, calmly and sincerely ask, "Why did you do that?" rather than getting angry.

What about Divorce?
Jesus said divorce was only permitted in cases of adultery (sexual immorality; "porneia") (Mt 19:3-10). That Jesus took a hard stance is seen from disciples reaction (Mt 19:10).

1 Cor 7:10-15 says when an unbeliever initiates separation from a believer, the believer is free to be separated. There's disagreement about whether this separation includes divorce. Sproul thinks it does.

Divorce
• Bible gives only 2 grounds for divorce (Mt 19:3-10; 1 Cor 7:10-15).
• A Christian is permitted to initiate divorce only in case of adultery (Mt 19:3-10).
• A Christian is free, at least to be separated, if deserted by an unbeliever (1 Cor 7:10-15).
• God's original intent of marriage is no divorce (Mt 19:8).

Being loving in actions and behavior is an act of the will and can be achieved by the sheer force of duty, if for no other reason. To be sure, it is much easier to be loving when you're "in love," but being "in love" is not intrinsically necessary to being loving—else the Great Commandment is a farce.

Communication and Sex
1 Cor 7 doesn't say marriage is bad; it says marriage is good but celibacy is better (v 28, 38).

If you feel guilty for a sin you've already asked God to forgive you for, then ask Him to forgive you for insulting His integrity by refusing to accept His forgiveness. It's arrogant to want to atone for sin.

[Kirsten · Rating 3 out of 5]

There's a good biblical foundation here, but unfortunately the author is old-fashioned to a fault - at one point he literally says he takes it as a personal insult when his wife doesn't wear lipstick, and take care not to damage that fragile male ego! It's too bad, because I really appreciate the bones of the theology of marriage he lays out here - it's solidly biblical and addresses a lot of key areas of concern without pulling punches. 2.5 out of 5 stars, rounded up for a valiant attempt to stay true to Scripture on some hard topics.

[Katie Bliss · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book! Even though it was originally written in 1990, all the advice given was extremely practical, relevant, and Biblical. I especially appreciated the discussion questions at the end of each chapter and plan to go through them with Jason. Very easy, simple book to read, plus Sproul has a good sense of humor that was entertaining. I'd definitely recommend this to anyone, at any stage in their marriage.

[Bella · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whether you are a non-Christian who is interested in what the Bible says on marriage, a single Christian, or a married Christian; I highly recommend reading this.
The Intimate Marriage is a clear, biblical read that leaves little wriggle room on important marital issues, as well as a humorous and encouraging book. Likewise I love the amount of practical advice that can be gleaned for everyday life.
5/5 stars.

[Kyle&Jenn Beckrich · Rating 5 out of 5]

RC Sproul covers a broad range of topics in this book on marriage including communication, gender roles, divorce, sex and conflict. Sproul tells countless stories that he has experienced in his own marriage as well as a pastor, counselor and professor. If you’re looking for a practical and relatable book on marriage than this book will be very helpful.

[Travis Minogue · Rating 4 out of 5]

Certainly a helpful book to understanding the biblical factors of marriage. Yet, seeing how this was originally written in Sproul's younger years (1975), it would have been greatly beneficial if he wrote a 2nd edition later in his life of how much more he learned about marriage via Scripture and experience.

[Michelle Fournier]

I’m not sure how to rate it. I really appreciated the first chapter on communication and found that by far the most helpful. The rest, while not advice I disagree with necessarily, just wasn’t that helpful or encouraging. Also definitely a more dated book (1970s I think).
Definitely not the marriage book I’d really recommend (except maybe chapter 1); I’ve yet to find that.

[Matt Crawford · Rating 4 out of 5]

The conversational and pithy style that has marked all of R.C. Sproul’s work lends itself to 6 short chapters on marriage. There is some that you would expect such as regard communication and permanence of marriage but also some that Biblical marriage books often overlook such as sex and covenant.

[Paul Kurtz · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has some very good information in it, but in my opinion is not one of Sproul's better works. Some of the advice is a bit dated and it relies almost as much on psychological theories as biblical principles (its greatest weakness).

[Nderitu Pius · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book with R.C . Sproul sharing GOD'S wisdom with no holds barred and also some wittiness. I really enjoy his works and this is one amazing book I want to enjoy even when I have my bride in my hands and in our house together. GOD BE GLORIFIED for this amazing work.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I appreciate RC's practical approach, as well as his personal stories that help give clear insight. His questions at the end of each chapter are insightful and ignite good discussion. Definitely in my Top 5 for marriage books!

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy to read. Fairly brief chapters on communication, psychology of men and women, divorce, sex. Would recommend to a couple to read before they get married or in the first few years. Did not learn anything new myself

[Taylor Rollo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book on the basic elements of marriage. It is one I will add to my pre-marital counseling reading list.

[Bekah Frisch · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved the personal stories and “real life” situations that were shared in this book.

[Maksim · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great short book about marriage with RC Sproul’s humor there and there. Particularly liked the last chapter dealing with the covenant of marriage

[The Reading Pilgrim · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened to the Audiobook with my wife on our way to work each morning. We devoured it! This book is RC Sproul-esque. Very easy to listen to and understand. We are now listening to it again!

[Leya Delray · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book! Not exhaustive. But an excellent aid in developing a better relationship.

[Kristen Jane · Rating 5 out of 5]

The content, examples, and fluency of writing were excellent! We used this as a curriculum for premarital counseling, and learned a lot! Very thankful for this :)

[Joey · Rating 5 out of 5]

By far the best book I’ve read on marriage. A great wedding or engagement gift.

[alwayss.rejoice · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nice easy read. Good Biblical reminders on marriage.

[Morgan · Rating 3 out of 5]

The questions at the end of each chapter were fun (and some insightful) to answer and share with each other.