Be Who You Want: Unlocking the Science of Personality Change

by Christian Jarrett

From cognitive neuroscientist Dr. Christian Jarrett, a fascinating book exploring the science of personality and how we can change ourselves for the better.

What if you could exploit the plasticity of personality to change yourself in specific ways?

Would you choose to become less neurotic? More self-disciplined? Less shy?

Until now, we’ve been told that we’re stuck with the personality we were born with: The introvert will never break out of their shell, the narcissist will be forever trapped gazing into the mirror.

In Be Who You Want, Dr. Christian Jarrett takes us on a thrilling journey, as he not only explores the ways that life changes us, but shows how we can deliberately shape our personalities to influence the course of our lives.

Dr. Jarrett draws on the latest research to provide evidence-based ways to change each of the main five personality traits, including how to become more emotionally stable, extraverted, and open-minded. Dr. Jarrett features compelling stories of people who have achieved profound personality change such as a gang-leader turned youth role model, a drug addict turned ultra-runner, and a cripplingly shy teenager turned Hollywood mega-star. He also delves into the upsides of the so-called Dark Triad of personality traits—narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy—and how we might exploit their advantages without ourselves going over to the dark side.

Filled with quizzes and interactive exercises to help us better understand the various aspects of our personalities, life stories, and passions, Be Who You Want will appeal to anyone who has ever felt constrained by how they've been characterized and wants to pursue lasting change.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Science, Personal Development, Social Science, Philosophy

304 pages, Paperback

First published May 18, 2021

About the author

A cognitive neuroscientist by training, Christian Jarrett has been popularizing psychology and neuroscience for over two decades. His award-winning writing on the mind, brain, and behavior has appeared in publications across the world, including the BBC, New York magazine, VICE, Aeon, The Guardian, GQ, WIRED, and many more. Today he is Editor of Psyche, a digital magazine that illuminates the human condition. Dr. Jarrett has written several critically acclaimed books including The Rough Guide to Psychology and Great Myths of the Brain. He was also a consultant editor and lead author for the best-selling 30-Second Psychology. He lives in the countryside near Brighton, England with his wife and twins (a boy and a girl) and their miniature schnauzer.

Reviews

[Alicia Bayer · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were parts of this book that I really liked but I ended up coming away disappointed. The author helps you figure out where you are on a series of personality traits like extroversion, neuroticism, openness and conscientiousness. Then he talks about how these affect your life and gives examples of people who were able to change these basics about themselves. Throughout, he gives little charts with examples of ways you can work on changing these levels. The charts are so basic though, like for openness one chart says to study a language because learning other cultures helps you be more open. Shrug. Yeah, maybe, but these are not things that are going to seriously change your personality. I would have loved way more concrete lists, suggestions and guidelines on changing where you fall on these things and less storytelling about people like Tiger Woods or convicted felons. He does give good basic info but it's really lacking on the sort of serious how-to primer on who to make real change.

I read a digital ARC of this book for review.

[Chris Boutté · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who loves reading books on psychology, I’ve read quite a few books on personality change, and this is one of the best. Sometimes, I worry that books like these will just be filled with a bunch of pseudoscience and disproven studies, but throughout the book, Jarrett debunks a ton of myths about personality such as how birth order affects personality. And when there isn’t extremely strong evidence in a study that Jarrett discusses, he’s very clear that the jury might still be out. But at the end of the day, this book is written for people who want to change and don’t think they can. This type of mission is important to me because I’m 9 years sober from drugs and alcohol, and in my addiction, I thought I was doomed to be who I was, but I’m a completely different person today.

Christian organizes this book in a fantastic way, and he starts out by explaining the various factors that are involved with our personalities from nature to nurture. What’s great about this book as well is that each chapter ends with some practicable tips to help you develop habits to move closer to being the person you want to be. He also dives into some social issues such as how the criminal justice system is doing a poor job rehabilitating people by assisting them to change who they are.

I highly recommend this book, and there’s so much more that I wasn’t able to cover in this review such as his chapter pathological causes of personality change. I finished it in just a couple of days because it has just about everything I want in non-fiction.

[Julicke · Rating 5 out of 5]

A self-help book with actual science behind it, now that's something I can get behind.

[Tony Fitzpatrick · Rating 2 out of 5]

Tim Harford you have let me down. This recent recommendation from the "Undercover Economist" didn't work for me. A psychology based self help book aimed at understanding how people can amend traits of their personalities - become less neurotic or more extrovert for example. The approach taken was well structured - different traits of personality, case studies, suggestions for modifying behaviour and then an overall "10 things to focus on" summary. The case studies however were largely extreme examples - convicted murderers who had found redemption for example - and the majority of the recommendations were fairly obvious. Took me a while to read as the writing style was quite hard work. Shame, as the idea was interesting, and the summary chapter did at least have some interesting nuggets.

[Brendan Brooks · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very useful resource not only in managing oneself, but understanding and managing others, some might say it gives the tools to improve oneself or another for the better. A resource for the management and psychology bookshelf.

[Enwongo]

In this book, what I liked about the author was that he tried to demonstrate that personality has a powerful influence on your life, and he creates a compelling case for the reasons you should optimize your personality. By getting to know yourself, you can discover which personality traits are helping you and which are holding you back.

[Stephanie Nelson · Rating 3 out of 5]

To me, this book feels like three different books mashed together.

The book I think the author most wanted to write is an overview of the research on the Big 5 personality traits (neuroticism, openness, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and extroversion) and a few other important traits (psychopathy and narcissism). This book contains the most compelling and best-written material. This book was also the most interesting to me (for professional reasons, since I'm a psychologist who worries our field spends too much time thinking about disorders and not enough time thinking about personality and temperament). I'm not sure how much that topic will appeal to a general audience, however. It's light reading for me, but heavy on research overviews and statistics that may not seem like fun reading for a layperson.

I imagine the publishers of the book agreed, and so talked the author into including the second book inside this book. That book is a self-help book. Each chapter includes some "tips" on how to change your personality, as well as a pep talk that you can do it. The book also ends with 10 general strategies (like believe you can change, but don't expect it to be easy). This self-help book was... average. Like most self-help books out there, the strategies are too basic, a bit repetitive, and not well-personalized to anyone's real life (and it goes without saying that the strategies do not even nod in the direction of the systemic or structural reasons why you might not be doing these things already). Basically, the suggestions amount to: read literary fiction or attend the opera, meditate/practice mindfulness, keep a gratitude journal, join a group, chat with strangers, stay away from things that upset you, exercise, and learn a new language). While those suggestions are fine, I have trouble thinking there's anyone out there who hasn't thought of these ideas already. And if there are readers who haven't thought of these things, I don't think they're the same readers who are looking for an empirical overview of the phenotypic pliability of personality traits.

The third book is the least compelling. This is the part where the author's editors clearly told him he needed to include "human stories" to make his book more interesting to a lay audience. Unfortunately, the author is not gifted at finding or telling these stories. He leans heavily on lifeless retellings of how a few prisoners have dramatically turned their lives around, a few sports figures have... done sports?, and a few politicians have 'gone bad.' It's not clear if most of these stories even involve personality change, as many of the people mentioned don't seem to change much at all. The net result is that these anecdotes -- which the author probably did not want to add and did not enjoy adding -- detract from the book he did want to write. Which is a bit of a shame.

2.5 stars -- 4.5 for the science book, 2.5 for the self-help book, 1 for the stories book

[Nakul L-P · Rating 5 out of 5]

‘Be Who You Want’ is basically an honest mirror for exposing your personality to yourself. It allows you to ponder over who you are, what your personality traits are and what are the potential solutions to changing the traits we’re not so fond of. If you’re into introspection, this book is 100% for you.

[K. K. · Rating 1 out of 5]

Interesting idea that is marred by its unbalanced approach, poor and often extreme examples, and generally aloof ideas of what needs changing to make intentional self-progression. In short:

Extraversion = happy and good
Introversion = sad and bad

Tiger Woods made a complete character comeback simply by becoming #1 in golf again. 🙄 Winning at sports after a complete character spiral isn't a comeback proving anything more than he's still got it when it comes to his golf game. That's not true self-progression. Just like the boxer example. Being nice and good at literally physically beating a man in a legal and regulated setting does not undo the terrible actions and behaviors of the said boxer. It also doesn't mean he isn't still making said mistakes.

Not worth the partial read I gave it. I'd recommend a hard pass.

[Joanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book! It has tips on how to change your personality, organized into the big 5 ocean traits. I’d love to lower my neuroticism and increase agreeableness.

To reduce neuroticism:
- whenever you’re upset/angry, write down how you are feeling and label your emotions.
- keep a gratitude diary. Each day, make a note of 3 things that happened that you’re grateful for.
- write about how a challenging life experience changed you for the better.
- hug and cuddle more
- write down the emotions that you’re struggling with on one side of a card. On the other side, write what you value most in life. Now reflect on how the two are linked, and that if you tear the card up to banish emotional difficulties, you’ll also lose all that matters most to you. The lesson is that a rich, meaningful life isn’t necessarily the easiest or happiest path.
- Headspace meditation
- practice seeing anxiety as a motivational friend. Channel anxiety into preparation and get it to work for you.
- when you’re irritated, picture your situation from a 3rd person perspective as if you’re a fly on the wall.
- avoid negative self-talk or scolding yourself. Challenge yourself to speak to yourself with more compassion.
- people who are happier dont necessarily experience fewer negative emotions, but they’re more accepting of them. Reflect on the purpose of your negative emotions and what they’re telling you.
- when you find your worrying getting out of hand, picture a stop signal or simply tell yourself that you’ve done enough worrying and have permission to stop.
- ask yourself, what’s the worst that can happen?
- Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel emotions deeply, but they don’t define you. Try self-affirmations: I can handle discomfort. My emotions are temporary. I am resilient.


To increase agreeability:
- send thank you notes to others
- compliment others
- the next time that someone irritates you, take a moment to consider how circumstances might have affected that person’s behavior for the worse.
- write down the characteristics that you admire in the people around you.
- send a supportive text to a friend
- make kind gesture to strangers
- each week, think of someone you believe has treated you badly in the past and make an overt declaration to yourself that you forgive the person and that they owe you nothing.
- for the week ahead, be more strategic about the situations you place yourself in, the company you keep, and the media you expose yourself to. Agreeable people are warm and friendly in part because they avoid exposing themselves to conflict and negativity.
- Focus on truly hearing others instead of thinking about what you’ll say next.
- Validate people’s emotions by acknowledging their feelings

[Abbegayle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book combined explanations and conversations about research, and many other sources. While discussing the science, the author also offers encouragement, and tips for the reader. I thought this was an easy read, and I highly recommend for someone who would like to learn some of the basics of the psychology of personality, and how it changes. For someone who wants a more thorough, in depth, book that truly only discusses science, I would search elsewhere. However, this is a great book to have in your psychology arsenal, or if you are new to non-fiction!

[Antor Chowdhury · Rating 4 out of 5]

Amazing book on personality change backed by actual scientific research and findings! I read this book while I was travelling in Bangalore with my family and it was a very enjoyable and thought provoking read. I give it 4/5 stars.

[Ryan Carson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent guide to personality research, with lots of exercises for changing your personality and understanding what you see in other people

[Milla Jimenez · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[Rachel Kaloh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here are some of the insights I got from the book:

"With personality, there is plenty to hold on to and plenty we can change."

Humans have evolved to be adaptable. You can think of your current personality traits as the behavioral and emotional strategy that you've settled on to best survive and thrive in the circumstances you find yourself in. Your genetic disposition makes it more likely that you might settle on some strategies more than others, but it doesn't confine you to one approach to life and relationships and you are not stuck with your current way of being.

Personality matters massively.
Our behavior and mood are influenced not only by who we are with and what we’re doing, but also what we put in our mouths to eat and drink. But remember that although you trait show some stability through life, especially if you make no conscious attempt to change them, they are not fixed and they are not destiny. In fact, the ways in which your personality changes are incredibly important for your future happiness, possibly even more so than other obvious factors you might think of, such as your wealth and marital status.

The Big 5 Personalities Approach on this book includes:
1. Extraversion (ekstrovert)
2. Neuroticism - How stable a person is (tingkat kegelisahan)
3. Agreeableness - How friendly a person is
4. Openness - How thoughtful & creative a person is
5. Conscientiousness - Grit and determination (kehati-hatian, teliti) a very conscientious person tends to be punctual neat and tidy.

Spending more time on cultural activities leads to subsequent increases in openness.
If you can get yourself into experimental mindset (it could be a willingness to read more books, go to more plays, learn an instrument, take up a new sport or whatever else), you’re likely to manifest in your developing a more open-minded personality.

Research suggests that:
* People who enjoy better mental and physical health don’t necessarily experience fewer negative emotions, but they are more accepting of them.
* One reason highly agreeable people are warm and friendly is that they avoid exposing themselves to conflict and negativity.
* Seeking deliberate personality change is more likely to be successful and feel authentic if it is in the service of your passion(s) or current purpose and values in life.

Personality change is about shifting your behavioral tendencies. You will have to work hard to develop new habits in how you think. To become habitual, persistence is key.

If something is habitual, it means that it is automatic and effortless. It's how you think, feel and act without consciously intervening.

Change is constant and dedicating yourself to being the best version of yourself is a lifelong endeavor, as you navigate the different challenges, responsibilities and pitfall that cross your path. Time and again you may find yourself developing unhelpful traits and once more you will need to recommit to enacting positive change.

“It’s okay to change, evolve, grow, all for the better you!”

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading it and doing the various questionnaires included in it—it was like a workbook. Jarrett writes in a conversational style that made him and the topic interesting and approachable. I enjoyed reading it while listening to the audiobook. I enjoyed reading about the various studies on personality and behavior that also included his own life examples. It is not a pompous book. It has so much depth that I’ve read it twice and still get some new insight from it.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoy reading these kind of books. I especially like it when they follow my hypothesis. I agree that personalities are not as set in stone as people think. That's why this book was so interesting to me. The author not only asserts that personalities do change but that there is reason to believe, and science to back it up, that you can actually change your own personality!

You can become a more kind, conscientious, driven, caring person! Don't buy into the idea that you are stuck. Work on becoming the person you want to be, and your personality can also change. The Author of this work even suggests some techniques to move your personality to become more like you want.

This book contains case studies to demonstrate how the mind works and how one can change one's personality. There is certainly a natural tendency that must be overcome, but real change is possible.

I recommend this book to anyone interested in how their mind works and anyone who may want to amend their current personality traits.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

I used to belong to an organization that was obsessed with the DISC personality test. While it was very helpful to understand each other and led to many positive outcomes of working as a team, the dark side was that people were often stereotyped and judged.

This is a refreshing book that busts the myth that personality is unchangeable. It is a very practical book that offers helpful suggestions at the end of each chapter on how to increase Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion and Agreeableness while reducing Neuroticism.

The final chapter looks at the following 10 Rules for Reinvention:
1. Successful change is more likely if it’s for a larger purpose.
2. You won’t improve unless you appraise yourself honestly.
3. Real change begins with action.
4. Initiating change is easy. Sticking with it is the hard part.
5. Change is an ongoing process, and you need to keep track of it.
6. You need to be realistic about the amount of change that is possible.
7. You’re more likely to succeed with the help of others.
8. Life will get in the way. The trick is to anticipate and roll with it.
9. Self-kindness is more likely to lead to lasting change than beating yourself up.
10. Believing in the potential for—and continuing nature of—personality change is a philosophy to live by.

[Richard F · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a pleasant surprise for me. A book club book, I went in to this feeling optimistic and wasn't disappointed.

Christian Jarrett takes us through the science of personality and personality change, and there is definitely science in here. Jarrett references plenty of studies, but don't be afraid! I have read books in the past that goes heavy into the science and ends up just feeling like academic grandstanding. But Jarrett knows how to balance that with a few nice story-driven case studies and some genuinely helpful advice. This book not only tried to show you that personality can be changed, but also convinces you to try.

For the more academic-minded reader, there are a few unresolved points, such as how fixed vs fluid personality actually is, what you should regard as your 'authentic' self, and there isn't much background given for the 'Big 5' personality trait model, so there is a bit that is skipped (which caused consternation at the book club), but technically the book is about personality *change*, not the definition. If you can accept from the start that the 'OCEAN' model is an established and useful model, then everything will flow from there.

So I recommend this book. Knowing a bit about yourself is always useful (so readers interested in EQ will be pleased), and knowing what the possibilities in changing it is better.

[Paulina Lechowicz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Co powoduje że się zmieniamy?
Czy środowisko w którym przebywamy ma Nas wpływ?

Autor pokazuje że nasza osobowość zmienia się w czasie życia. I jeśli bardzo chcemy możemy się zmienić poprzez wysiłek włożony w wypracowanie nowych zachowań. Możemy z nieśmiałego człowieka chowającego głowę w piasek zmienić się w przebojowa osobę tylko trzeba włożyć w to sporo pracy.

Wyróżnione przez autora cechy osobowości:
* otwartość;
* sumienność;
* ugodowość;
* ekstrawertyzm;
* neurotyczność.
Każda z tych cech wpływa na naszą osobowość.

Książka napisana bardzo przyjemnym językiem bez zbyt dużej ilości terminów naukowych.
Bardzo zgrabnie połaczone badania z historiami prawdziwych ludzi (nawet tych z pierwszych stron gazet) oraz przemyślenia na temat własnych zachowań autora. Pokazywane jest jak ludzie po traumatyczny zdarzeniach w swoim życiu przeszli radykalną zmianę swojego zachowania.

Testy które są zawarte urozmaicają treść i stanowią podstawę kolejnych rozważań na temat osobowości.

A czy wy lubicie tak napisane poradniki gdzie oprócz badań naukowych pokazane są historie innych ludzi?

[mag_rzska · Rating 4 out of 5]

Czy ja się mogę zmienić? W sensie osobowości, wydawałoby się że nie. Tymczasem autor poradnika przekonuje mnie, że to jest możliwe. Choć nie będzie to zmiana drastyczna. I rzecz jasna nie stanie się to ot tak, pstryk i już. Ale wymaga pracy. Dzięki książce najpierw możemy lepiej poznać 5 głównych cech osobowości. Potem dowiedzieć się, jak nad nimi pracować. Nasza osobowość kształtuje się od pierwszych dni życia, duży wpływ ma na nią otoczenie i jego oczekiwania. Autor proponuje nam różne testy, które pozwolą lepiej siebie poznać. Zastanowić się co byśmy chcieli zmienić, jakich nawyków się pozbyć. A może chcemy jakieś w sobie wyrobić? I Jarrett pokazuje drogi prowadzące do tych zmian. Jest wiele przykładów z życia, które mają ułatwić pracę nad sobą. 

[Lara · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this is a very good book to start with if you are striving to become the best possible version of yourself. I found it to be a bit redundant in some places, and I personally didn’t like the multitude of unrealistic real life examples. However, this book is very successful in the sense that it helps you achieve the mindset necessary for successful personality change.

[Books Mademoiselle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Świetna!
Wyładowana treścią, świetnie przygotowana merytorycznie, oparta na wielu różnych materiałach źródłowych.

Napisana przystępnym językiem, czyta się szybko, a jednocześnie wymaga interakcji z uwagi na liczne testy, przykłady.

Dla mnie super

[Peter P. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well crafted book but, for me, unconvincing. The case for personality change was a real draw, but I just didn't come away from this book believing that people can, fundamentally, change their personality traits.

[Youssouf · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone who is always drawn to psychology books, I found this helpful. Christian gave examples on how you can work on your personality, but also went on to tell how useful non-desirable personalities could help all of us some ways.

[Monika · Rating 4 out of 5]

Zastanawiałam się czy dać 4 czy 5 gwiazdek, bo książka jest naprawdę bardzo wartościowa, ale jednak dałam 4, bo część z tego, co tam jest napisane, już wiedziałam.

[Sabina-Nicoleta Furtună (Sally) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Containing stuff I knew about and nuggets of wisdom I desperately needed I give it 3 stars for delivering to a certain point.

[Dan Absalonson · Rating 4 out of 5]

We’ll written extremely interesting book. Made me introspective as I read it.

[Krhistina Eden · Rating 3 out of 5]

This books helps in some way in personality discovery but in the middle of the book while reading it, is kinda boring for me. As it doesn’t connect the dots for me.

[Helena#bookdreamer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you netgalley for providing this ARC in exchange for an honest review.
This was a well written novel outlining different personality traits and how it's still possible to change your personality as an adult by changing your habits. The author includes short personality quizzes, personal stories and reflection questions. Interactive and engaging.