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Unbecoming
You can do one night, Jo reminds herself as she follows five women into the Australian bush.
Where are they going to sleep? And pee?
Jo probably should have let her husband Frank know. Just in case. Because you never know what can happen in the wild.
***
While on her three-month marriage-and-motherhood sabbatical in the country, Jo bumps into an old friend Fiona who invites her on a ‘sacred silent walk to mark her 57th birthday – the first since her husband Ben died.
The last thing Jo wants is to share anything about herself – these are Fiona’s friends, not hers. And what’s she going to say? That her young adult children have made life choices she doesn’t understand? That she has no idea who she is anymore? That everything is falling apart – even her ‘happy marriage’ to Frank?
But the unexpected intrusion of a young backpacker into their secret location, unleashes powerful and conflicting emotions in each woman, provoking conversations and confidences that stray into the shadowlands of motherhood, the mysteries of midlife, the future of monogamy and mother Earth.
Under the canopy of the open night sky, around a small, tended fire, the women share wise counsel, spill their secrets and offer up their stories, each exposing corners of truth the others need to hear.
Unbecoming is a funny, heartbreaking and provocative homage to the midlife unravelling as women on the brink of elderhood speak honestly about their lives and wonder what the hell to do with vaginas that are not ready to be put out to pasture just yet.
Where are they going to sleep? And pee?
Jo probably should have let her husband Frank know. Just in case. Because you never know what can happen in the wild.
***
While on her three-month marriage-and-motherhood sabbatical in the country, Jo bumps into an old friend Fiona who invites her on a ‘sacred silent walk to mark her 57th birthday – the first since her husband Ben died.
The last thing Jo wants is to share anything about herself – these are Fiona’s friends, not hers. And what’s she going to say? That her young adult children have made life choices she doesn’t understand? That she has no idea who she is anymore? That everything is falling apart – even her ‘happy marriage’ to Frank?
But the unexpected intrusion of a young backpacker into their secret location, unleashes powerful and conflicting emotions in each woman, provoking conversations and confidences that stray into the shadowlands of motherhood, the mysteries of midlife, the future of monogamy and mother Earth.
Under the canopy of the open night sky, around a small, tended fire, the women share wise counsel, spill their secrets and offer up their stories, each exposing corners of truth the others need to hear.
Unbecoming is a funny, heartbreaking and provocative homage to the midlife unravelling as women on the brink of elderhood speak honestly about their lives and wonder what the hell to do with vaginas that are not ready to be put out to pasture just yet.
355 pages, Paperback
First published October 20, 2020
17 people are currently reading
185 people want to read
About the author
JOANNE FEDLER
29 books50 followersJoanne Fedler is an internationally bestselling author and witing mentor. She studied law at Yale and now lives in Australia.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 33 reviews
September 17, 2021
I have to admit I was disappointed, after all the rave reviews about this book. My expectations were clearly too high. For the most part it read too much like a feminist rant, angry and pessimistic, bemoaning all the difficulties and unfair burdens of womanhood, although it is mixed with some magnificent ‘foody’ moments to lighten all the misery. So much anger, so much raw pain and sadness, so many human tragedies suffered by such a small group of unfulfilled women on a hike? It became a little unbelievable. I missed seeing the positive side of ageing, the ‘mellow fruitfulness’ of the autumn of life, and the humour, wisdom and greater understanding that the later years bring. I am troubled at the thought of what young female readers of this book might imagine lies ahead for them in life: nothing but disappointment, loss and suffering, bad decisions, menstrual difficulties, agonising births, ungrateful children, broken relationships, the menopause, cancer and then death. Really? This is undoubtedly a book for women, but I’m glad I didn’t read it when I was younger, because it would have left me with little hope for the years lying ahead, and no sense of the absolute delight on the other side of 50, and the even greater pleasure of being well over 60. On the plus side, the language in the novel is beautifully wrought, and the descriptions are evocative, sometimes searingly so.
July 2, 2021
#unbecoming - Joanne Fedler
#penguinrandomhousesa
‘We have two lives. And the second one begins when you realise you have only one’ - Mario de Andrade
Jo is 52 years old when she decided to take a sabbatical from being a wife to her husband, Frank, and a mother to their two adult children, Jamie and Aaron. She is in the throes of menopause; experiencing an identity crisis and fears that her marriage is falling apart. Whilst house sitting in Australia, she meets up with an old friend, Fiona, who convinces her to join her, and a few others, on a ‘sacred’ silent hike to celebrate her 57th birthday.
She meets Kiri, a big, strong, Pacific Islander and nurse; Yasmin, a refugee from Iran and a brilliant cook, who lives out ‘cooking is “I love you” and eating is “I love you too” (p. 94), and Cate, a tall, English free spirit. To her surprise an old friend from her and Fiona’s past, Liz, also joins at the last minute.
Marriage and commitment were not the only subjects discussed and dissected on their all female journey; they would reveal their inner vulnerabilities, talk about children, referring to the ‘toxic proximity of parent and child’ (p. 235); life and death and that ‘what gives our lives meaning is knowing we don’t have forever’ (p. 110); cancer; midlife; the fact that breakdowns of relationships, like mechanical problems, ‘….are never sudden. Things loosen over time due to multiple stressors and factors’ (p. 187); emigration and how they are ‘half-half’ thereafter; ‘….always stuck in the ditch of memory’ (p. 124) and motherhood and the loss of a mother: ‘To lose a mother is something you cannot truly believe - you think you have misunderstood.’ (p. 122)
Jo’s thought processes fascinated me; she loves Frank, but says: ‘I miss him and, when I’m with him, I miss myself’ (p. 259), confirming what she told him when she left: ‘But there is something in me I can’t access while I’m in this life with you.’ (p. 211) She concludes: ‘I didn’t know how to knit these emotions into words that made sense.’ (p. 65). Although the intricate nuances of female bonds remain an interesting topic, I found Jo’s personal journey to be the highlight of this novel.
I only realised afterwords that the novel is part 3 of a trilogy (preceded by ‘Secret mother’s business’ and ‘The reunion’); it is thus not essential to read the aforementioned before reading this novel. The language is beautiful and delicate and female friendship is described as seldom before. But the novel is much more than ‘chick lit’; it is a celebration of midlife and whatever accompanies it, leaving the reader with food for thought.
4 stars from #Uitdieperdsebek
#penguinrandomhousesa
‘We have two lives. And the second one begins when you realise you have only one’ - Mario de Andrade
Jo is 52 years old when she decided to take a sabbatical from being a wife to her husband, Frank, and a mother to their two adult children, Jamie and Aaron. She is in the throes of menopause; experiencing an identity crisis and fears that her marriage is falling apart. Whilst house sitting in Australia, she meets up with an old friend, Fiona, who convinces her to join her, and a few others, on a ‘sacred’ silent hike to celebrate her 57th birthday.
She meets Kiri, a big, strong, Pacific Islander and nurse; Yasmin, a refugee from Iran and a brilliant cook, who lives out ‘cooking is “I love you” and eating is “I love you too” (p. 94), and Cate, a tall, English free spirit. To her surprise an old friend from her and Fiona’s past, Liz, also joins at the last minute.
Marriage and commitment were not the only subjects discussed and dissected on their all female journey; they would reveal their inner vulnerabilities, talk about children, referring to the ‘toxic proximity of parent and child’ (p. 235); life and death and that ‘what gives our lives meaning is knowing we don’t have forever’ (p. 110); cancer; midlife; the fact that breakdowns of relationships, like mechanical problems, ‘….are never sudden. Things loosen over time due to multiple stressors and factors’ (p. 187); emigration and how they are ‘half-half’ thereafter; ‘….always stuck in the ditch of memory’ (p. 124) and motherhood and the loss of a mother: ‘To lose a mother is something you cannot truly believe - you think you have misunderstood.’ (p. 122)
Jo’s thought processes fascinated me; she loves Frank, but says: ‘I miss him and, when I’m with him, I miss myself’ (p. 259), confirming what she told him when she left: ‘But there is something in me I can’t access while I’m in this life with you.’ (p. 211) She concludes: ‘I didn’t know how to knit these emotions into words that made sense.’ (p. 65). Although the intricate nuances of female bonds remain an interesting topic, I found Jo’s personal journey to be the highlight of this novel.
I only realised afterwords that the novel is part 3 of a trilogy (preceded by ‘Secret mother’s business’ and ‘The reunion’); it is thus not essential to read the aforementioned before reading this novel. The language is beautiful and delicate and female friendship is described as seldom before. But the novel is much more than ‘chick lit’; it is a celebration of midlife and whatever accompanies it, leaving the reader with food for thought.
4 stars from #Uitdieperdsebek
February 26, 2021
Conversations between women can bring some thought provoking epiphanies about marriage, children and putting yourself first. An emotional rollercoaster to make you re-think your own priorities about relationships. Thank you Jo.
August 8, 2022
I loved the gritty, raw, no-pretence narrative that this book served up like three hearty meals. It unapologetically allowed the characters to be themselves, in all their terrible glory, terrifying honesty, and humble stumbling along their separate journeys of womanhood. I appreciated the way they kept themselves but were still able to give enough to make subtle changes to stubbornly held beliefs. I admired the way they gathered together, particularly around their newcomer. And I especially loved that Jo seemed to navigate her troubles, doubts, and disappointments - surviving the jostling ride. Did I mention the, at times, exquisite language?
I am a fan.
I am a fan.
September 6, 2021
Fearless and feisty is how i would describe Joanne Fedler’s new novel “Unbecoming” . Published by Penguin Random House this is a story that packs a punch with its bold, humorous and beautiful writing. For any woman who has suffered or is suffering the ‘slings and arrows’ of menopause this novel will take you by the hand and lead you into a place that is so familiar, binding as it does the sisterhood of over 50s, the changes that are wrought in those years and the process of finding the new person that is you. ‘Unbecoming’ by Joanne Fedler is written with huge empathy, pithy prose and laugh out loud moments that catch you unawares.
As Fedler warns in the author’s note – ‘you are about to enter perilous terrain’. For women of this age are entering their last phase of life and what the hell are they going to do now the kids are grown, childbearing is over and perhaps the partner is not quite up to expectations. It is a trying and turbulent time.
Set in Australia, protagonist Jo has taken a three month sabbatical – a sort of eat, pray, love quest - from husband and adult children. Writer’s block, is she happy with Frank, her children’s choices, all have become bewildering questions in her life. When she bumps into former friend Fiona who suggests she joins her and some friends on a ‘sacred silent walk’ to mark her 57th birthday, Jo is reluctant to say the least. Not her friends, not her thing at all, not one to bare her soul…a lot of nots and yet she is persuaded. And into the bush they go these six dissimilar women – or so it seems. For one night they experience the midnight sky, camping out,peeing through special funnel (i kid you not) fabulous food and meet a stranger who unleashes such powerful and conflicting emotions that they are all forced to take stock. Tongues are loosened, secrets shared and futures become clearer as the wild land creeps into their bones and preconceived ideas are taken on the wind. As perceptions, women’s rights and stereotypes are dissected Fedler draws on her talent to expose and shock as the conversations turn inwards and revealing.
Fedler draws the most wonderful and memorable characters. The gentle Fiona, struggling with her husband’s death, the earth-child attuned to nature, the immigrant Yasmin with her passion for food and her cultural family history, brittle Liz, corporate to the core with her own pain, nurse Kiri who is the all-embracing mother earth and the profane Cate who says it likes it is. Deliciously colourful they are all pursuing the ‘what next?’ They are the friends each of us know and love.
“Menopause is where sexism meets ageism’. Ouch! Here we are in the 21st Century and still women contend with the stigma of normal bodily functions, those bodily functions that bring life and latterly give us a new path. In my own experience i have seen the blossoming of over 50s women as they experience a new freedom and creativity. Fedler takes us through this dense bush and brings us out on the other side into the gleam of a different liberated future.
As Fedler warns in the author’s note – ‘you are about to enter perilous terrain’. For women of this age are entering their last phase of life and what the hell are they going to do now the kids are grown, childbearing is over and perhaps the partner is not quite up to expectations. It is a trying and turbulent time.
Set in Australia, protagonist Jo has taken a three month sabbatical – a sort of eat, pray, love quest - from husband and adult children. Writer’s block, is she happy with Frank, her children’s choices, all have become bewildering questions in her life. When she bumps into former friend Fiona who suggests she joins her and some friends on a ‘sacred silent walk’ to mark her 57th birthday, Jo is reluctant to say the least. Not her friends, not her thing at all, not one to bare her soul…a lot of nots and yet she is persuaded. And into the bush they go these six dissimilar women – or so it seems. For one night they experience the midnight sky, camping out,peeing through special funnel (i kid you not) fabulous food and meet a stranger who unleashes such powerful and conflicting emotions that they are all forced to take stock. Tongues are loosened, secrets shared and futures become clearer as the wild land creeps into their bones and preconceived ideas are taken on the wind. As perceptions, women’s rights and stereotypes are dissected Fedler draws on her talent to expose and shock as the conversations turn inwards and revealing.
Fedler draws the most wonderful and memorable characters. The gentle Fiona, struggling with her husband’s death, the earth-child attuned to nature, the immigrant Yasmin with her passion for food and her cultural family history, brittle Liz, corporate to the core with her own pain, nurse Kiri who is the all-embracing mother earth and the profane Cate who says it likes it is. Deliciously colourful they are all pursuing the ‘what next?’ They are the friends each of us know and love.
“Menopause is where sexism meets ageism’. Ouch! Here we are in the 21st Century and still women contend with the stigma of normal bodily functions, those bodily functions that bring life and latterly give us a new path. In my own experience i have seen the blossoming of over 50s women as they experience a new freedom and creativity. Fedler takes us through this dense bush and brings us out on the other side into the gleam of a different liberated future.
March 16, 2021
It took me a minute to get used to the changing scenes and timelines but once I did I got really into this story of a woman reclaiming herself and her life. It was an entertaining ode to womanhood, motherhood, marriage, friendship, and menopause. It was like listening in on juicy bits of conversation.
Read
July 18, 2021~"Where do you want to be taken?"
"To a conversation that hasn't happened yet. It's not like we have all the time in the world. Why do we keep rinsing and repeating? I'm tired of nice, polite exchanges."~
~If someone's life collapses in on itself, and no one notices, did it really happen?~
~Urination, like defecation, menstruation, childbirth, is surely a more intimate experience, between you and the earth, not a flamboyant, swashbuckling gesture from up high. Perhaps pissing on two feet is what drives men to fencing and paragliding.~
~[H]e is the person waiting for me. And when someone is waiting for you, you are not the sole shareholder of your own time. You are not free to do with it as you will. You have an investor. You are expected back.~
~As Fiona speaks, it is as if she's describing someone other than me. It's dislocating in the way of coming across an old photograph and thinking, 'Who is that?" before realising, "Oh, that was me.' Was. Not is. Maybe this is what it means to lose yourself, to become bewildered by the way others understand who you are. To see a reflection in the mirror and to have questions, not answers, for the person you see there.~
~There's a line in Tennyson's poem, "happy men who have the power to die." What gives our lives meaning is knowing we don't have forever.~
~"These breakdowns are never sudden. Things loosen over time due to multiple stressors and factors. What we're seeing here is where the slack finally let go."
He was speaking as a blue-collar worker, an oil-grimed tradesman who had engines and probably drivershafts on his mind. But this was some of the deepest and most profound philosophising about the human condition I had ever heard.~
"To a conversation that hasn't happened yet. It's not like we have all the time in the world. Why do we keep rinsing and repeating? I'm tired of nice, polite exchanges."~
~If someone's life collapses in on itself, and no one notices, did it really happen?~
~Urination, like defecation, menstruation, childbirth, is surely a more intimate experience, between you and the earth, not a flamboyant, swashbuckling gesture from up high. Perhaps pissing on two feet is what drives men to fencing and paragliding.~
~[H]e is the person waiting for me. And when someone is waiting for you, you are not the sole shareholder of your own time. You are not free to do with it as you will. You have an investor. You are expected back.~
~As Fiona speaks, it is as if she's describing someone other than me. It's dislocating in the way of coming across an old photograph and thinking, 'Who is that?" before realising, "Oh, that was me.' Was. Not is. Maybe this is what it means to lose yourself, to become bewildered by the way others understand who you are. To see a reflection in the mirror and to have questions, not answers, for the person you see there.~
~There's a line in Tennyson's poem, "happy men who have the power to die." What gives our lives meaning is knowing we don't have forever.~
~"These breakdowns are never sudden. Things loosen over time due to multiple stressors and factors. What we're seeing here is where the slack finally let go."
He was speaking as a blue-collar worker, an oil-grimed tradesman who had engines and probably drivershafts on his mind. But this was some of the deepest and most profound philosophising about the human condition I had ever heard.~
October 17, 2021
Unbecoming is almost an expose of female menopause. Although it is a novel, and entirely fictional, I am sure that every woman who has experienced menopause will find the things she struggled with in one or more of the main characters! This amazing book should be read by women of all ages - the young, to know what's coming, and the older - to console yourself with the fact that you are completely normal!
When Jo accidentally bumps into old friend Fiona one day, she is invited to go on a ladies only hike with Fiona and a few other ladies. What she does not know, is that she has met most of them during her child-rearing years. The six of them hike down to a Cove where they intend to spend the night. Invariably, conversation turns very personal and the group of friends discover that they have all had their own burdens to carry, and that no-one actually had the life they had dreamt of when they were younger. What they used to admire in each other, now turns to deeper understanding of the sacrifices made along the way.
Sometime during their stay in die Cove, a young hiker Emilie, happened to come across them. She was welcomed with open arms into the sisterhood and definitely also contributed to the mind-shifts that seemed to dominate this excursion.
This book is funny and sad, poignant, painfully real and so easy to identify with! The symbolism (if this was the intention, I don't know) of them carrying their heavy backpacks down to the cove, laying bare all their experiences in front of each other, and carrying their almost empty backpacks back to civilization again, was significant at the end of the book. An experience I wish all menopausal or post-menopausal women could have!
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and welcome it with open arms in my collection of have-to-reads!
When Jo accidentally bumps into old friend Fiona one day, she is invited to go on a ladies only hike with Fiona and a few other ladies. What she does not know, is that she has met most of them during her child-rearing years. The six of them hike down to a Cove where they intend to spend the night. Invariably, conversation turns very personal and the group of friends discover that they have all had their own burdens to carry, and that no-one actually had the life they had dreamt of when they were younger. What they used to admire in each other, now turns to deeper understanding of the sacrifices made along the way.
Sometime during their stay in die Cove, a young hiker Emilie, happened to come across them. She was welcomed with open arms into the sisterhood and definitely also contributed to the mind-shifts that seemed to dominate this excursion.
This book is funny and sad, poignant, painfully real and so easy to identify with! The symbolism (if this was the intention, I don't know) of them carrying their heavy backpacks down to the cove, laying bare all their experiences in front of each other, and carrying their almost empty backpacks back to civilization again, was significant at the end of the book. An experience I wish all menopausal or post-menopausal women could have!
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and welcome it with open arms in my collection of have-to-reads!
February 8, 2022
'Unbecoming' is basically a story over one night camping, but it is much more than that. Fedler has noticed and captured the shrinking of women for the sake of everyone around them; a 'skill' passed on from generation to generation. And now, we're at an in-between time where women who have done their part in that legacy for most of their lives until this point are starting to realise the cost of themselves for others at all times has been too high, more exacerbated by the juxtaposition of their daughters, who, while not at a stage of equity with what men are required to provide, still have more space to keep a hold of part of who they are as individuals as well. This book was extremely easy to sit down and read for hours. It gives a kind and non-judgemental voice to women who are often invisible and have been making sacrifices of themselves for their whole lifetime, only to get to a point of self-awareness that can be terrifying when deciding where to go and who to be from here.
April 28, 2022
An insightful and emotional book about what women put aside and also give up across their lives for those they love and care for.
Unbecoming could be seen as permission for women to chase their passions and to actually be allowed to put themselves first in making choices about their lives.
The power of friendships and connections throughout our lives is a big focus of this book and the contrast between those who may prioritise career over family is stark - some people manage it well, others do not.
I think women who have had children will connect much more strongly to this book as there is much in there about the choices one makes to perform the traditional role of homemaker and supporter.
Unbecoming could be seen as permission for women to chase their passions and to actually be allowed to put themselves first in making choices about their lives.
The power of friendships and connections throughout our lives is a big focus of this book and the contrast between those who may prioritise career over family is stark - some people manage it well, others do not.
I think women who have had children will connect much more strongly to this book as there is much in there about the choices one makes to perform the traditional role of homemaker and supporter.
October 9, 2021
This book is so real to me. The characters are us. The conversation is about motherhood, menopause, anger and grief and also hope. The loss of self. The finding of self. The young woman heading out with no GPS, no sanitary products and no mother. Stumbling upon women reflecting on their lives and loss. Jo taking time for herself and reflecting on her motherhood, friendships and marriage. There are so many relatable moments in this book and parts I want to reread. I will be recommending this to friends in my age group for their book club. ‘Unbecoming’ can definitely be discussed and is one to remember for its humour and honesty.
April 20, 2023
As a feminist and a woman in her seventies, I applaud the intention of the writer in producing this book; however, as a reader, I was not satisfied by the novel. Frequently, the didactic intent overwhelmed the authenticity of conversations while the characters failed to register with me as individuals rather than as mouthpieces for the many points of view to be considered in an informed and nuanced debate about women's journeys through life. A worthy effort, nonetheless, and I'll put this title on the longlist for my book group next year.
January 15, 2022
Maybe it was the wrong timing, at the end of a fabulous Summer holiday, but I was mostly disappointed by this book. Too much sadness and pain and contorted negative reflections to give a balanced view or reflection on life at midlife. Unravelling rather than taking stock,
Easy reading with some good foodie thoughts I want to explore… but somehow left me feeling empty and dissatisfied. Is that how we are supposed to feel after menopause. I think not.
Easy reading with some good foodie thoughts I want to explore… but somehow left me feeling empty and dissatisfied. Is that how we are supposed to feel after menopause. I think not.
January 28, 2022
A great story about a group of very different women in midlife all struggling in their own way with heartache and changes at this time in their lives. Coming together to share their stories and support each other. By listening to each other’s challenges they see what is important to them, what choices they can make to be happy with their life. It’s wonderful to hear all their perspectives at this time in their lives about motherhood and menopause.
February 2, 2021
Well written... the storyline carries the reader along unobtrusively and the characters are distinct and well-developed as individual identities even though they can be a stereotypical representation at times. The camaraderie and the tension between characters works well.
A bit Eat-Pray-Love in it's analysis of the feminine role and purpose at midlife.
Enjoyable read.
A bit Eat-Pray-Love in it's analysis of the feminine role and purpose at midlife.
Enjoyable read.
October 18, 2021
Jo bumps into her old friend Fiona and agrees to go on a walk with her to celebrate her 57th birthday, with a group of Fiona's friends. I loved the start but after a hundred pages got a bit bored with the talkfest about middle age, menopause, parenting, life and death. Disappointing as parts of it were really good.
November 2, 2021
This book spoke to me, it tells the story of Jo who has taken a 3 month sabbatical from her marriage. As a middle aged woman I related to the story.
I loved this book, thank you Joanne for capturing our stories as women.
I loved this book, thank you Joanne for capturing our stories as women.
January 19, 2022
Parts of this book were unflinching honest, sharp, funny and relatable and others just seemed a little too over the top or like they were included to be dramatic. I definitely get the appeal of this book though and I celebrate the idea wild women or at the very least, the search of wildness.
October 23, 2022
A great read full of wonderful messages and images that portray the nitty gritty of getting older, particularly for women going through menopause and struggling to find who they are besides being a wife and mother.
May 4, 2021
A journey...which scared me. I read the authors warning preface and then lay awake. This book was written for/about me and my menopausal friends. I laughed and cried. Thank you.
June 22, 2021
Perfect book at the perfect time.
August 26, 2021
This book made me question everthing I thought I knew about myself . I laughed, I thought hard and I cried.
December 28, 2021
A bit too much on menopause and not enough of a plot
January 30, 2022
Loved this!!
March 11, 2022
Wow what a book....I could relate so well to it ...
Will want to read it again and again.
Will want to read it again and again.
July 16, 2022
This book started ok and then lost the momentum.
And it’s koala not “koala bear”
And it’s koala not “koala bear”
September 2, 2022
How wonderful to follow the story I so avidly read as a young mum 15 years ago when I read Joanne Fedlers book Secret Mothers Business. Rich and insightful
September 19, 2022
I've liked all of Joanne Fedler's books---despite her writing being specifically for women. I love the dialogue and her honesty and fearlessness. Recommended for all women (and some men!).
8/10
8/10
December 14, 2022
What every mother and wife wants to say but doesn't.
July 26, 2023
I was very disappointed. I had to force myself to read this book.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 33 reviews