Sweet Like Jasmine: Finding Identity in a Culture of Loneliness

by Bonnie Gray

This is the story of God whispering, “What no one wants, I cherish.”

The daughter of a mail-order bride and a busboy from San Francisco’s Chinatown, Bonnie Gray grew up never truly feeling beautiful or beloved. As an adult, she built her life to look pleasant and ordinary, with a wonderful husband, two amazing boys, and a thriving career. But despite these blessings, she still felt the tugging emptiness of a missing piece.

At 39, a long-forgotten birth certificate in an old file cabinet sparked a curiosity Bonnie couldn’t ignore. Determined to uncover her family’s secrets and understand the home she was born into, Bonnie embarked on a quest that would leave her forever changed. Returning to the culture, places, and stories that shaped her, her search led her to soul-shaking discoveries about her identity, human kindness and what it truly means to belong.

The profoundly moving journey of learning to embrace our true worth, Sweet Like Jasmine celebrates how God uses our unique and broken stories to create a beautiful mosaic of His love, one life at a time.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Christian, Christian Non Fiction, Biography, Biography Memoir, Faith

256 pages, Paperback

Published October 5, 2021

About the author

Bonnie Gray is the soulful author of her new book Breathe: 21 Days to Stress Less and Transform Chaos to Calm , Sweet Like Jasmine , which was named 2022 Christian Book Award Finalist by the Evangelical Christian Publisher's Association, the 40-day book Whispers of Rest and the memoir-driven book Finding Spiritual Whitespace , garnering starred review praise from Publisher's Weekly.

Take Bonnie's FREE Soul Care Quiz at soulcarequiz.com to learn what area of wellness are you missing the most, so you can flourish in wellness!

Bonnie hosts the Breathe: The Stress Less Podcast, focused on helping women detox stress with rest and soul care based on scripture & science.

An inspirational speaker and retreat leader, she has touched thousands of lives through storytelling, visual arts, nature, prayer and meditation. Bonnie’s writing is featured on Relevant Magazine, DaySpring (in)courage, and Christianity Today. She lives in California with her husband and their two sons.

Visit Bonnie at thebonniegray.com and connect with her on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, or YouTube at @thebonniegray.

Bonnie's writing explores the stories we often hide but live courageously, emerging from the belief that the beauty of faith often takes place when life goes off script. Because faith is as mysterious as it is real, we need each other for life's journey.

After graduating from UCLA, Bonnie traveled overseas as a missionary, a ministry entrepreneur, and spent over a decade drinking coffee as a Silicon Valley high-tech professional. She lives in Northern California with her husband and two sons.

Reviews

[Lucy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked up this book on a whim, simply because I was intrigued by the blurb. It seemed interesting to me, though I'd never heard of Bonnie Gray. As it turns out, this is a memoir unlike any I've read before.

Gray tells a poignant story about her difficult upbringing and search for her identity. The daughter of Chinese parents, she grew up with an abusive mother and the absence of a father she knew very little about. In vivid detail, she describes her childhood and early adulthood. Gray has endured a lot, including a sexual assault in college. Fortunately, she has been able to overcome the past with help from therapy, friends from church, and her strong faith in God. This is a heartbreaking and inspirational story I'm glad I stumbled upon.

What surprised me about this book, is that it's much more than just a memoir. It's also a self-help book. Through her story, Gray hopes to help others who might be or have been in similar abusive situations. Through Letters To My Younger Self and Reflection Questions at the end of each chapter, the author offers advice and direction.

If you're interested in this book as a memoir, I recommend the audiobook because it's narrated by the author. If you're interested in its self-help aspect, I think a print copy would be best so you'll be able to use the Reflection Questions at the end of each chapter.

[Abigail Westbrook · Rating 5 out of 5]

For some reason I thought this would be more of a “how not to be lonely” manual, the type of book that always leaves me feeling frustrated. Instead, I discovered a lovely memoir that I could deeply relate to as one who also grew up feeling like a foreigner in my own culture. I enjoyed the snippets of Chinese history and customs that are included at the end of each chapter, and was especially blessed by each chapter’s “letter to my younger self” - those words of wisdom are what I need to hear often. Bonnie tells her story with gentleness and grace, sharing both the good and hard parts in a way that is honest but not asking for pity. She traces God’s faithfulness through it all and I was left feeling grateful to know her God also. So glad I picked this one up!

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a lovely and unique memoir that invites the reader to examine her own past, take her hurts to God, and walk a new path of healing. I enjoyed the unusual structure of this book: memoir, letter to past self, a peek into the Chinese culture with a creative spiritual metaphor, then probing reflection questions. It's not only the author telling her story of redemption; it's an invitation to examine your own story with greater depth and insight.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bonnie has yet again shared her journey so beautifully and vulnerably with us. In doing so, she reminds us that, "It's never too late to be you. It's never too late to begin again. It's never too late to be loved." A must read for anyone who would like to be encouraged in their own journey, that nothing is ever too broken to be redeemed and made beautiful by God.

[Jill Reedy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just like the last book I read written by author Bonnie Gray, Sweet Like Jasmine has touched me in ways no other I have read. This is a book touching on many different women’s issues that may make you feel isolated or alone. Bonnie reminds us that throughout all of these things God was and is right there beside us. I have found much healing within the pages of this book. I am so thankful I purchased it.

[Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent telling of a sometimes-hard story. The author tells details of her life that I never knew. At the end of her quest she does find her identity.

[Analie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bonnie's books are meant to be savored, just like a cup of jasmine tea. I loved lingering over this devotional! The snippets of Chinese American life in San Francisco were wonderful - from learning about her favorite red bean drinks to wedding-day bangles carved with images of a dragon and phoenix that symbolize strength and power in unity between the bride and groom and so much more. Her most vulnerable book yet, this devotional sheds even more light into Bonnie's life with a deeply abusive mother, and the hope she found in Jesus despite the odds. I would recommend it for anyone, particularly those who have father or mother wounds. Her courage and wisdom are inspiring.

[Barbie Yak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy to read. Very interesting memoir. Just bought some Jasmine tea ☕️

[Alisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found the story line to be sad, but redemptive. The style of writing with thoughts/questions after each chapter was a bit much for me. I'd prefer to read the whole story and have the questions/prompts at the end. I got this book from GoodReads First Reads.

[Karina (Karina's Christian Reads) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Number of pages: 246

Genre: Non-fiction Biography

Series: N/A

Age recommendation: 18+

Summary: When Bonnie got married, she hoped to put her difficult childhood and dysfunctional family life behind her. But when she stumbles across her birth certificate, she decides it’s time to revisit the past and deal with its trauma.

My thoughts: I initially found it a little hard to get into, but once I did I didn’t want to put it down. Bonnie’s story is very interesting, I only wish that it wasn’t interrupted by her questions at the end of each chapter. If you wanted to do a book club or book study kind of thing with it, it would be great though.
I also wish the story wasn’t broken up with Bonnie coming back to the present. It’s written about Bonnie’s trip, with flashbacks/remembrances of childhood as she visits certain places. It was a good setup, but I really wanted to go back to her childhood story. I guess that just goes to show how good a storyteller that Bonnie is.
Content warning: Bonnie had a very difficult childhood. Bonnie’s father left when she was 7 years old. Her mother was verbally and emotionally abusive. At one point Bonnie’s mom threatens to kill herself if Bonnie goes on a trip with her friends, and then cuts up Bonnie’s clothes to try to convince her to stay home. Bonnie’s first date in college doesn’t go as she planned and is abused by the boy who asked her out. While Bonnie didn’t try to downplay what happened to her, I don't think she went into unnecessary detail about these events. However, this trauma is still a significant amount of the content. For that reason, I would recommend this book to older readers (plus, it’s obvious from some of the discussion questions in the book that it’s written for moms/30 year olds).
I thought Bonnie was very brave. It wasn’t easy for her to break away from all the shame and guilt that her mom put on her. Sometimes as outsiders we wonder why people stay in abusive situations, but reading this book I could totally see why Bonnie would stay. In fact, sometimes I was even thinking right along with her that she ought to stay and help her mom, before I caught myself, realizing how dysfunctional the situation was.
While it took me a while to get into, I’m really glad I finally read this book, and would recommend it (as long as you are able to handle the difficult topics discussed).

My personal rating: 4/5 stars.

Link to blog: https://karinaschristianreads.wordpre...

[Angie · Rating 4 out of 5]

PLEASE NOTE: I received a copy of this book from a GoodReads giveaway. The opinions in this review are my own and are not influenced by the author or any other person.

This was a well written memoir of a Chinese-American woman’s struggle to find her true worth after growing up in a single parent home in which her mother was emotionally abusive toward her. The author relates her story with grace. She does her best to give the facts of her story and doesn’t hide the truth of her feelings of abandonment after her father left or her struggles with emotional stability from the treatment she received from her mother while at the same time protecting and honoring her parents for the things that they did provide for her. I especially liked the snapshots of Chinese culture at the end of each chapter and how the author relates each one of these items to the Christian life. In fact, those were my favorite things about the book. The author also included questions to help readers think about their own spiritual journey with Father God.

[Mary Grace Kroef · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this collection of personal life stories the author invites us in to her childhood, teen, and adult word. We are given glimpses in her her pain and healing. She shares her Chinese heritage with us along side her story and also show us how she moved in to acceptance and love of her Amarican heritage as well. Above all her words point to the love of Jesus and how he sustained her through abuse and trauma.

Each chapter starts with a story of her life, then there is a 'letter to my younger self section' followed by an explanation of an item or practice in Chinese culture, and ends with a few question the reader is ment to ask themselves for personal reflection.

A beautiful book and a great resource for anyone navigating emotional abuse. I also recomend to anyone seeking to understand different cultures, Christianity, and overcoming loneliness.

[Marie Chan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sweet Like Jasmine encouraged me to reflect on the brokenness in my own life and gave me hope that God can redeem those broken pieces. Bonnie is a gifted storyteller and reading this book is like having a cup of jasmine tea with a good friend. I love how Bonnie invites and guides readers to write and share their own stories too. I could relate deeply to Bonnie's vignettes that connected her faith to her Chinese cultural heritage that are woven beautifully throughout the book. Bonnie's story is so compelling and authentic that I couldn't put this book down until I read it to the end. This book spoke so powerfully to my heart that I have ordered more copies to share with friends. Highly recommend Sweet Like Jasmine!

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sometimes we love reading fantasy and pretending. But sometimes we need to come back to reality and learn of someone's journey where God took hold and brought the end results! I enjoyed (even though I felt some pain) learning about how the Lord brought Bonnie through her childhood, studies, work, missions, etc. and to her husband, children and current life! But another important part of her book was sharing culture. I loved what she shared about Asian culture, and the info she wrote at the end of the chapters. I have now shared the book with a half Asian friend because I thought she might enjoy it. I will continue to share the paperback I purchased. Bonnie, thank you for reminding us of God's Grace and other attributes. Thank you for being true and sincere.

[Sunnie · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Sweet Like Jasmine “ by Bonnie Gray is the first book this year that truly touched my heart, and I would list it as the best thing that I read all year. I found myself underscoring passage after passage which I will list in my personal journal (with credit to the author). I will write further explanations to show how I feel it connects with my own life. Gray writes from the heart in short passages leaving the reader time to absorb and understand her message. She writes of both good and bad in non-judgmental fashion leaving the reader to decide for themselves how they might interpret and react to the same situation. She is much beloved by me and I pray for sweet jasmine to always be with her. Highly recommended!

[Donna McTaggart · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was my introduction to Bonnie Gray. And left me wanting more.
Ann Voskamp (a favorite author of mine) shared this quote: "A beautiful remembrance that God treasures each of our broken hearts in His sweeping story of redemption.

Loneliness is my reality and I was intrigued by the title. In the introduction Bonnie shares "I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere." I relate to this and I was hooked.

Bonnie lays herself bare as she takes us on a soulful journey thru heartbreak to discovery of true worth. Through her experiences she encourages us as readers to dig deep, pull our our hard stories and realize that God uses our broken pieces to create something beautiful.

"It's never to late to be you.
It's never to late to begin again.
It's never to late to be loved."
~Bonnie Gray

[Amber Kazen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such a beautifully written book so much meaning and depth. I wasn't sure what to think of some of the chapters a couple were slow for me a few others I just wanted to keep reading.
Bonnie's mother so much to say about her but I feel like she just didn't want to let Bonnie go wanted to keep her for herself. I know she forgave her mother but I wonder of she still was close to her mother. Also wondering if she ever saw her father or heard from her father again.

A few chapters the author pours out her soul and what has happened to her in her life and it's heartbreaking. But she keeps going knowing she has found Jesus.
I liked the Bible scripture and reflecting in the book.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Redemption is woven into the Autobiography of Bonnie Gray. It tells how God brought her from loneliness to a deeper relationship with Him. Bonnie wrote a very hard autobiography that God wanted her to tell to reach others who have felt this way. She goes onto to explain in the Chinese culture and the importance of many things we may not understand. She tells of how Christ brought her out of loneliness to such a rich deep relationship. Talking of how hard relationships were to now, and how God enabled her God story to be finished God’s Way. Yet this Glorifies God in each aspect.

[Sela Tiet · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating and unique writing into the journey and chapters of her life. Chinese cultural, letters to her past self and biblical lessons ties each chapter that leaves the reader with reflecting questions of their own. I realize i'm not alone. I also have come across similar roadblocks or sense of anger/guilt towards the unfulfillment in life. She guides you a sense of peace and tranquility. I'd recommend this book to anyone looking to unlock inner peace and shine some light into any hidden unresolved truths.

[Janelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Five stars doesn’t do this book justice, I wish I could give it more. Listening to the audiobook with Bonnie reading was a special treat, hearing her speak her story, and in the final chapter, sing a beautiful Chinese song. It probably should be said that this book contains traumatic events, which may be triggering for some people. But these are handled with gentleness and hope, encouraging the reader to find love and healing from God. Thank you Bonnie for sharing your story and allowing us, your readers, to walk with you through it.

[Michelle Ule · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautifully, beautifully written.

I so appreciated gaining insight into Bonnie's culture--both her experiences as an Ameican in China and growing up in a broken Chinese home in San Francisco.

This book uses Bonnie's compelling personal story as an opportunity for readers to examine their own lives, while at the same time providing interesting explanations of Chinese culture.

I would have liked more of Bonnie's story--such a compelling tale.

[Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sweet Like Jasmine is a deeply touching story of a Chinese American woman coming to terms with her upbringing in a family broken by divorce. Born and raised in Chinatown, Bonnie eventually breaks away, builds an amazing life while still honoring and caring for her single mom and younger sister. As with many dysfunctional families, there are dark and painful secrets that Bonnie eventually begins to untangle because of her faith in a loving, gracious God.

[Amy Ray · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love Bonnie's vulnerability in "Sweet Like Jasmine"! It is a beautiful story of how God weaves together all the peices of our stories of who we were, who we are and who we are yet to become. God is the master of making beauty from ashes and each of us has a story to tell and sharing that story with others can be a beautiful journey to healing and redemption of a life we thought was once broken beyond repairs.

[Ashia Pollen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well this book destroyed me and then built me back up again. It has heavy themes including abuse, sexual assault but then takes you through how God WAS present and grieving alongside you in the worst of times and walks you through how she has healed and redeemed her story and invites you to do the same. Very powerful but be aware it will likely make you cognizant of work you need to do if there are broken places in your story. Highly recommend.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir was both heartbreaking and beautiful! I have been familiar with Bonnie Gray for many years and trust her as a Christian speaker, author, pod caster and friend to follow on social media. Knowing her life story makes her more of a kindred spirit to me. Through the stories of her life's heartaches and hopes, Bonnie shares that though we may feel broken or lonely, we are all beautiful, beloved daughters of God...and we are sweet like jasmine!

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this Christian Chinese American memoir inspirational. I liked the structure of memoir, letter to self, notable facts, and discussion questions at the end of each chapter. The author also setup a book club, Facebook group, and live meetings to integrate a community of readers intent on applying the lessons to one's life. Well done.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book. I will awarded this book from Goodreads. I don't think i would have picked it up with the (Finding identity in a culture of Loneliness) part added to the title. I love the stories and the letters to self, i love the culture. All good ! Its in self contained chapters that make for reading a little or a lot in one setting. I would highly recommend it.

[Chris And Lorna · Rating 5 out of 5]

So grateful

Thank you so much; this story gives me permission to grieve the broken relationships, and trust in our Heavenly Father for redemption, because He has a plan for our lives, plans for a hope and a future--acknowledge Him in all our ways so He can make every pathway straight. He is so good!

[Don · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderful book with some profound insights into finding identity, dealing with trauma and abuse of a variety of kinds and how to find your "place" in the world. Gray writes in such a way as to evoke responses to her own story from your own story. I highly recommend reading this book and using it to find healing for yourself and others.

[Katie M. Reid · Rating 5 out of 5]

A stunning story of a painful upbringing, the reality of deep loneliness, and the healing path to an identity founded in peace that stays put. Bonnie is a vulnerable and lovely storyteller who points the reader to hard-won hope through the bustling streets of Chinatown and the sweet fragrance of jasmine tea.