Как жить, если у тебя огромный пенис. Маленькая книга, которая поможет решить большие проблемы

by Richard Jacob, Owen Thomas, Ричард Джейкоб

Большая машина, большие бицепсы, большая зарплата – мы все любим "побольше". Но что касается пенисов, обладатели ОМГ (Огромных Мужских Гениталий) скажут, что это проклятие. Иногда они просто становятся изгоями из-за подарка судьбы, о котором не просили.
"Как жить, если у тебя огромный пенис" – это книга, читая которую хочется одновременно посмеяться и посочувствовать. В ней доктор психологии Ричард Джейкоб и священник Оуэн Томас дают советы о том, как:
– не шокировать/травмировать партнера;
– избежать шуточек и издевательств от друзей;
– использовать огромные размеры во благо (такое возможно).
Для мужчин книга станет спасательным кругом, а для женщин – инструкцией, как жить с партнером, которому досталось сверх меры.

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Self Help, Sexuality, Health, Science

128 pages, Hardcover

First published February 1, 2009

Reviews

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

Even though this gift was ironic in nature -- and trust me, is it ever! -- that won't stop me from placing it between Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn's Gulag Archipelago, Volume 1 and Immanuel Kant's Critique of Pure Reason on my bookshelf. I am hoping someone (anyone!) will peruse my multicolored spines -- which allude to my general seriousness and gravity -- and get entirely the wrong idea. (I just hope that someone isn't my mother. Ew.) If that someone (again, NOT my mother) were a prospective sexual partner (after she's been fingerprinted, checked for communicable diseases, and run through a complicated vetting system) or prospective urologist, it would of course be a case of bait-and-switch. Like when Best Buy advertises a sale on Sony 170" Plasma 3-D television sets for $399, but they only ever had one, so they'll cut you a deal on this old dusty JVC piece-of-shit (19", giant tube, fake wood casing, dials) they've had sitting in the break room. I'm not saying that my penis is a JVC, but it's certainly not going to come out on top on the Consumer Reports comparison shopping chart. But it's serviceable. Meaning that it has been serviced before. Beyond that, you'll just have to love me for me. Circumcised. Average. Chafed. Shopworn.

Anyway. You know what? This book is really funny! I'm not even kidding you. (I have to believe that, otherwise I have the sense of humor of a twelve-year-old boy.) Okay, don't believe me? Go to the humor section of your local big box bookstore -- perhaps the Barnes and Noble flagship store in Union Square? -- and pick up this book. If you are a man, be sure to hold the book up high, so passersby can see it, but make sure you step away from the humor section and go stand by the health/self-help section. Scratch your chin as you leaf through it, and occasionally nod at the words on the page and say, 'Mm-hmm' in affirmation, as if you have finally found the understanding and compassion you have been looking for. Is this immature? Imbecilic? Pointless? You bet. That's what's so great about it.

Thanks, Michelle Weinman! (I think!)

[Kenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

How to Live with a Huge Penis will inspire men of all shapes and sizes.
DR. RICHARD JACOB and REV. OWEN THOMAS


This book was given to me as a gift by a former paramour who truly missed me ... It's become my bible.

[Manny]

Mr Trump, you're a plain-speaking guy, and I know you won't mind if I give you some plain-speaking advice. You've got a problem, and it's a pretty simple one: two American women in three don't like you. You need to do something about that or you won't win in November.

Now before you get all upset and start denying what's obviously true, let's just think for a moment about why they don't like you. If you read the liberal press, you'll see any number of people saying it's because you treat women like merchandise. Those liberal pundits will explain that it's because you ran Miss Universe for years and insisted on personally interviewing every contestant, or because you keep marrying much younger models, or because you give interviews where you say that women are all bimbos and gold-diggers, or because you tend to refer to chicks you like as pieces of ass.

Well, I'm sure the liberal pundits believe what they're writing. And I'm just as sure that plenty of women don't appreciate that kind of behavior. If you're a feminist who reads Simone de Beauvoir and Germaine Greer, you don't want to be called a bimbo or a gold-digger. But show me one women who reads Simone de Beauvoir and Germaine Greer, and I'll show you two who read Fifty Shades. And let's face it, if you read E.L. James then you probably won't object to being called a piece of ass by Donald Trump. You're just disappointed that you haven't yet found a hunky billionaire who wants to treat you like a sex object.

No, Mr Trump, those pundits couldn't have got it more wrong. I don't think you've gone too far. On the contrary, you haven't gone far enough. You're quite right to think that most women will be happy to have their worth measured by their cup size. But what you've forgotten is that it goes both ways. Those very same women are going to measure you by the size of your penis. And that's where your problem is.

You don't need me to tell you that mud sticks. I'm afraid Marco Rubio was by no means the first person to make remarks about small hands. If you search Google for "Donald Trump nude", the first thing that turns up is this unflattering and inaccurate picture. Even though the artist got punched in the face and threatened with a lawsuit, it didn't help. You know how people are: somehow, they just thought that made it more likely. But if you take action now, you can draw a line under this whole thing and never worry about it again.

Mr Trump, it couldn't be simpler. Post a picture of your dick on your campaign website tomorrow, and by the end of next week your problems will be over. I know you don't feel entirely comfortable with the idea. Your wife wants you all to herself - who could blame her? - and she doesn't appreciate the idea of you simultaneously sexting every woman on the planet. But this is more important than Melania's feelings. The future of America is at stake. You know I'm right. Just do it.

Vote Trump!

[SheReadsALot]

Finally I can learn how to live with this. I've been poking out eyes since the creation of my nonexistent huge penis.

Now a guide to provide help.

[Elysa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bought this as a Christmas gift for my boyfriend. He opened it in front of his parents. And his grandmother.

[notgettingenough · Rating 1 out of 5]

Who would have thought that penises would have such taste :)


http://alittleteaalittlechat.wordpres...

[Lubinka Dimitrova · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank goodness that I chose to read this for purely academic purposes, and was not myself in desperate need of practical advice and guidance. In that aspect the book was rather useless, seeing how it's borderline depressing, not to mention utterly unfunny. Suck it up, guys, there are much worse problems than OMG (oversized male genitalia) in this world, such as the condemningly fatal SBS (Sh*t for Brains Syndrome) whose victims among us are not only terribly suffering themselves, but are causing pain to all those around them.

[Tom · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am kidding. I have no need to read this book. Sadly.
But gosh, all those poor guys. How they must suffer.
hahahahahahahahahhahahah

[Don Schminkey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book as an OMG sufferer gave me the courage to unzip to my family. My kids cried. My friends mourned our lost friendship. My co-workers won’t look me in the eyes. It’s a tragic plight, but I’m happier than ever being free of my secret. Now I sit here and wait for acceptance.

This is a fun, well handled, conversation piece. Then there’s the book, it’s okay too. :-)

[Manny]

Yesterday, I was sitting on the train, lost in gloomy thoughts inspired by reading Voices from Chernobyl, when I suddenly became aware of hysterical laughter from the other side of the aisle. Three 20-something women were watching The Sweetest Thing on their laptop with the sound turned well up. They had just reached The Penis Song. I couldn't help watching too.

If you aren't familiar with this masterpiece, check it out now! It's terrific.

[Chris Rodriguez · Rating 4 out of 5]

Still having problems but just living one inch at a time.

[Briana · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by a member of New Zealand Women in Medicine. This is more of a personal-experience, anecdotal guide than a textbook, and short on references, but still useful for practical advice to give to patients.

As a doctor, I am aware that 50% of my patients are male. It is ridiculous how we have entire departments dedicated to women's health, but not once in medical school have we had lectures on the physiological and psychological struggles of oversized male genitalia (OMG). I do not want to be the sort of doctor who doffs all the "nuts and guts" to my poor male colleagues while I get to play with babies and enjoy my "lifestyle" specialty, just because it's a difficult and gruesome topic.

It is a fact of medicine that we will encounter penises no matter what we specialise in, from psychiatry to the emergency department. This book should be compulsory reading for all medical professionals, young and old.

[Dries De Smet · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gekregen van Femke

Nog bij niet veel boeken luidop gelachen, en al zeker niet in een trein tijdens de spits. Echt goe!

Wel veel Amerikaanse referenties dat ik niet echt begreep.

[David Bourgeois · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful, glad to see someone finally address these issues I struggle with everyday

[Jules]

"When you give yourself, you receive more than you give"

From this year resolution:
-read a ridiculous book: check
-avoid non-medical books about dicks: failed
-ride an unicorn-pig: _______

For a book about huge things it was disappointingly short. It also has this shape (taller and rather narrow) because it has a scale in it to measure your own… pygmy. If you own one. Overall, to give an idea, the author is giving medical advice in the same fashion Monty Python is teaching religion. Also, there is no point in buying the electronic version of it.

[M]

didn't help, still too big

[Jason · Rating 3 out of 5]

YES.. BECAUSE I AM GOING TO TAKE A ROLLING PIN TO MY COCK!.... seriously?!

I was all too fascinated by the supersized lads... that's until i read this book.

but some of the stuff is scary like taking a rolling pin to your junk? really? is that really necessary? Apparently this is only necessary if you are beyond 8 in (Percent Of Population With Smaller Dicks 99.4963792682%. stop lying boys!)

I no longer want a supersized junk.

book... is.... hilarious!

[Ka He · Rating 3 out of 5]

I bought the book because of the funny title and to put it in the rear tray of my car.

[Jorgen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilarious. I never knew of this enormous problem before. I can only hope I will respond more understanding when someone in my environment outs himself...

[⋆☆☽ Jen ☾☆⋆ · Rating 3 out of 5]

★★★½☆
LMAOOOOO

Rtc.

[Yoav Mishaeli · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would like to thank Dr. Richard Jacob and Rev. Owen Thomas for the opportunity to learn from the wisdom and expertise portrayed in their book. Back in my day, there wasn't much acceptance to our condition. People used to mock and tease us endlessly for something we have no control over. Back then people weren't aware of the adversities of having such shlongs. Not to mention that those who were aware of them, were usually disingenuous. But nowadays, thanks to you and the OMG community, people are now less oblivious to our condition nor nearly as hostile toward us like they used to. The techniques and methods taught in the book aided me in my fight against discrimination and I hereby call every OMG sufferer out there to grab hold of this book ASAP. I wish us all the best and may one day society will accept us for who we soothly are... Fellow Human Beings.

[Tecles Sergio Alfred · Rating 4 out of 5]

An easy to read book that uses humour to give a piece of advice to a seemingly inexistent problem that make life more difficult for the ones that are affected by it. The book contains a lot of real stories that contain the family, friends or society reactions towards this differentiator and as one of the authors puts it "makes us think that we are just a bunch of animals and we deserve whatever God throws at us". It definitely makes you learn to love your body even more, appreciate what you have, make the most out of what you have and to be confident in any circumstances.

[Nathan Deckinga · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book to leave out in a public place for your daughter and her boyfriend to find. If needed, they can get helpful advice and know that your home is a safe place to talk about OMG with people who have experience dealing with that particular birth defect.

[Петър Стойков · Rating 1 out of 5]

Идиотска книга с някакви ... не знам даже дали са нефелни опити за бъзици. Ако смяташ Комиците за върха на комедията... абе пак няма да ти е смешна. Не знам дали е излишно да казвам, че няма нищо общо с темата на заглавието.

[Dylan Van Tongeren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enorm veel aan gehad, geweldig zelfhulpboek. Shoutout naar alle oversized male genitalia (omg) sufferers everywhere!

[Gabriele · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a gift...

[Sally Heneghan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Got this as a birthday gift from my dear roommate and it now lives on my nightstand. Would go as far as to call this the modern day bible! Essential read for all.

[Chris Merola]

an undersung, overhung comic body horror opus

it would have been sufficient to just print 140 blank pages and sell the cover as a gag gift, but this is genuinely well written - wry, surreal, and inventively disgusting at points

[Hans Zeilinger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lots of good tips how to deal with your big shlong. Very funny written and very serious as well! 🙂

[George Purves · Rating 5 out of 5]

Useful tips to be honest.