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I'll Keep You Close
Jeska doesn't know why her mother keeps the curtains drawn so tightly every day. And what exactly is she trying to drown out when she floods the house with Mozart? What are they hiding from?
When Jeska's grandmother accidentally calls her by a stranger's name, she seizes her first clue to uncovering her family's past, and hopefully to all that's gone unsaid. With the help of an old family photo album, her father's encyclopedia collection, and the unquestioning friendship of a stray cat, the silence begins to melt into frightening Jeska's family survived a terror that they've worked hard to keep secret all her life. And somehow, it has both nothing and everything to do with her, all at once.
A true story of navigating generational trauma as a child, I'll Keep You Close is about what comes after how survivors move forward, what they bring with them when they do, and the promise of beginning again while always keeping the past close.
When Jeska's grandmother accidentally calls her by a stranger's name, she seizes her first clue to uncovering her family's past, and hopefully to all that's gone unsaid. With the help of an old family photo album, her father's encyclopedia collection, and the unquestioning friendship of a stray cat, the silence begins to melt into frightening Jeska's family survived a terror that they've worked hard to keep secret all her life. And somehow, it has both nothing and everything to do with her, all at once.
A true story of navigating generational trauma as a child, I'll Keep You Close is about what comes after how survivors move forward, what they bring with them when they do, and the promise of beginning again while always keeping the past close.
176 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2020
8 people are currently reading
286 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 66 reviews
March 11, 2022
A book that will be on your mind for a long time after you read it…
The opening sentence is just so spot-on! “A school is a kind of monster with a belly full of children. In the morning it gobbles children up, and in the afternoon it spits them all out again.” (I love this phrasing!)
This is a story about children learning about the Holocaust for the first time in school. In Jeska’s case, long-hidden secrets about her own family’s WW2 experiences began to surface and help her make a connection with the historical facts she is learning.
So amazing that this is based on the author’s family history, and that she wrote about it so movingly.
There is a photograph of a little girl at the end, and a link from a museum to watch a home movie of her from 1939. Prepare for a huge aching lump in your throat after you read about this child in the book, then watch the video…
The opening sentence is just so spot-on! “A school is a kind of monster with a belly full of children. In the morning it gobbles children up, and in the afternoon it spits them all out again.” (I love this phrasing!)
This is a story about children learning about the Holocaust for the first time in school. In Jeska’s case, long-hidden secrets about her own family’s WW2 experiences began to surface and help her make a connection with the historical facts she is learning.
So amazing that this is based on the author’s family history, and that she wrote about it so movingly.
There is a photograph of a little girl at the end, and a link from a museum to watch a home movie of her from 1939. Prepare for a huge aching lump in your throat after you read about this child in the book, then watch the video…
January 20, 2021
IK ZAL JE BEWAREN, Jeska Verstegen.
10+
Jesje groeide op in stilte. Thuis was de Tweede Wereldoorlog een onbesproken onderwerp en op school mag Oorlogswinter van Jan Terlouw niet voorgelezen worden, tenminste niet voor Jesje. Voor een jong kind zit een hoofd al snel vol vragen, maar waar vind je de antwoorden?
“Wie? Wat? Waar? Hoe? Waarom? Wanneer? Alles willen weten is een mensen-ding.”
Jeska Verstegen is vooral bekend van haar werk als illustrator, wie was nou niet verliefd op Keteltje met haar blozende wangetjes? Maar er kriebelde nog meer bij de illustrator, een verhaal wat verteld moet worden. Sinds 2013 werkte ze aan dit boek, vertelt ze op haar eigen website. En nu is het dan eindelijk zo ver.
En dit boek komt binnen. Een autobiografische jeugdroman komt op het toneel; illustrator werd schrijver. Al vanaf de eerste bladzijde is daar geen twijfel over mogelijk. “Een school is een soort monster met een buik vol kinderen. In de ochtend eet hij kinderen op en in de middag spuugt hij ze allemaal weer uit. Mij ook.”
Het voelt niet als een debuutroman, de beeldspraak is machtig. In de kern is Ik zal je bewaren een boek wat gaat om trauma, trauma dat spreekt tot de volgende generaties. Jeska reflecteert op haar eigen kindertijd en je voelt beide het verwarde kind en de volwassene die dit nu beter begrijpt. Kinderen zullen dit ademloos lezen maar hier ook over moeten praten. Om lege plekken in te vullen, om iets te laten leven wat nu al toch best lang geleden lijkt.
Een boek over stilte, daar moet juist over gesproken worden.
Met Ik zal je bewaren moet je precies doen wat de titel suggereert; bewaren. Het is een ongelooflijk intiem en bijzonder boek.
10+
Jesje groeide op in stilte. Thuis was de Tweede Wereldoorlog een onbesproken onderwerp en op school mag Oorlogswinter van Jan Terlouw niet voorgelezen worden, tenminste niet voor Jesje. Voor een jong kind zit een hoofd al snel vol vragen, maar waar vind je de antwoorden?
“Wie? Wat? Waar? Hoe? Waarom? Wanneer? Alles willen weten is een mensen-ding.”
Jeska Verstegen is vooral bekend van haar werk als illustrator, wie was nou niet verliefd op Keteltje met haar blozende wangetjes? Maar er kriebelde nog meer bij de illustrator, een verhaal wat verteld moet worden. Sinds 2013 werkte ze aan dit boek, vertelt ze op haar eigen website. En nu is het dan eindelijk zo ver.
En dit boek komt binnen. Een autobiografische jeugdroman komt op het toneel; illustrator werd schrijver. Al vanaf de eerste bladzijde is daar geen twijfel over mogelijk. “Een school is een soort monster met een buik vol kinderen. In de ochtend eet hij kinderen op en in de middag spuugt hij ze allemaal weer uit. Mij ook.”
Het voelt niet als een debuutroman, de beeldspraak is machtig. In de kern is Ik zal je bewaren een boek wat gaat om trauma, trauma dat spreekt tot de volgende generaties. Jeska reflecteert op haar eigen kindertijd en je voelt beide het verwarde kind en de volwassene die dit nu beter begrijpt. Kinderen zullen dit ademloos lezen maar hier ook over moeten praten. Om lege plekken in te vullen, om iets te laten leven wat nu al toch best lang geleden lijkt.
Een boek over stilte, daar moet juist over gesproken worden.
Met Ik zal je bewaren moet je precies doen wat de titel suggereert; bewaren. Het is een ongelooflijk intiem en bijzonder boek.
June 25, 2020
Ik weet zeker dat je na het lezen van ‘Ik zal je bewaren’ een filmpje zult opzoeken op het net. Welk filmpje dat is, zeg ik niet. Het gaat erom dat je door dit boek nieuwsgierig wordt gemaakt (en dat is knap, want er zijn heel veel boeken die niet nieuwsgierig maken naar meer).
‘Ik zal je bewaren’ houdt voortdurend zijn en dus ook jouw adem in. Het boek dwingt je te verlangzamen. Jeska Verstegen schrijft met een voorzichtig penseel. Alleen hier en daar, waar het absoluut nodig is, kleurt ze de situatie in. Ga met haar mee en je ziet hoe de wereld van een elfjarig meisje zich voor je ontvouwt.
Je moet terug naar een tijd toen telefoons thuis nog rinkelden, journalisten een stuk schreven op een typemachine, en er nog geen internet bestond, laat staan een zoekmachine als Google. Je moet je in Jeska verplaatsen en vooral veel niet weten. Je hebt een moeder die eten op tafel zet met de schijf van vijf in gedachten. Er zijn zaken waar je moeder halsstarrig niet over praat, terwijl je dementerende grootmoeder op haar meest vage momenten namen en feiten uit een niet zo heel ver verleden noemt. Ze heeft het over een familielid, Hesje. Ze heeft het over Westerbork. Ze zegt dat ze voor Jood wordt uitgescholden.
Geïnspireerd door haar vader, die voor een krant werkt, gaat Jeska op zoek naar de antwoorden op de zes journalistieke vragen die je nodigt hebt om een juist stuk over een feit te schrijven. Wie? Wat? Waar? Hoe? Waarom? Wanneer? De puzzelstukken laten zich niet gemakkelijk leggen, maar op het moment dat Jeska en haar moeder een ijsje delen, voel je als lezer dat het ijs tussen die twee langzaam gaat smelten — maar zeker niet van de ene dag op de andere. Jeska’s moeder is wel heel principieel. Als in de klas Jan Terlouws ‘Oorlogswinter’ wordt voorgelezen, moet Jeska volgens de orders van mama de klas uit. Alleen omdat het meisje zo vastberaden is komt ze op eigen houtje achter het geheim van haar moeder en grootmoeder.
‘Ik zal je bewaren’ houdt voortdurend zijn en dus ook jouw adem in. Het boek dwingt je te verlangzamen. Jeska Verstegen schrijft met een voorzichtig penseel. Alleen hier en daar, waar het absoluut nodig is, kleurt ze de situatie in. Ga met haar mee en je ziet hoe de wereld van een elfjarig meisje zich voor je ontvouwt.
Je moet terug naar een tijd toen telefoons thuis nog rinkelden, journalisten een stuk schreven op een typemachine, en er nog geen internet bestond, laat staan een zoekmachine als Google. Je moet je in Jeska verplaatsen en vooral veel niet weten. Je hebt een moeder die eten op tafel zet met de schijf van vijf in gedachten. Er zijn zaken waar je moeder halsstarrig niet over praat, terwijl je dementerende grootmoeder op haar meest vage momenten namen en feiten uit een niet zo heel ver verleden noemt. Ze heeft het over een familielid, Hesje. Ze heeft het over Westerbork. Ze zegt dat ze voor Jood wordt uitgescholden.
Geïnspireerd door haar vader, die voor een krant werkt, gaat Jeska op zoek naar de antwoorden op de zes journalistieke vragen die je nodigt hebt om een juist stuk over een feit te schrijven. Wie? Wat? Waar? Hoe? Waarom? Wanneer? De puzzelstukken laten zich niet gemakkelijk leggen, maar op het moment dat Jeska en haar moeder een ijsje delen, voel je als lezer dat het ijs tussen die twee langzaam gaat smelten — maar zeker niet van de ene dag op de andere. Jeska’s moeder is wel heel principieel. Als in de klas Jan Terlouws ‘Oorlogswinter’ wordt voorgelezen, moet Jeska volgens de orders van mama de klas uit. Alleen omdat het meisje zo vastberaden is komt ze op eigen houtje achter het geheim van haar moeder en grootmoeder.
April 3, 2020
De aandoenlijke, elfjarige Jesje mag niet zoveel: niet te luid praten, niet opvallen, niet te laat thuis zijn. Haar liefste vrienden zijn een klein popje dat in haar broekzak past, de boom die gekapt moet worden en een aanloopkat 🌳🐈
Na een verspreking van oma Bomma - gevolgd door het zwijgen van haar moeder, die als kind de Tweede Wereldoorlog meemaakte - ontrafelt Jesje op eigen houtje een ondraaglijk familieverdriet.
.
.
In 'Ik zal je bewaren' vertelt Jeska Verstegen kwetsbaar en sterk tegelijk dat zulk verdriet nooit verborgen zou mogen blijven. In beeldschone, beeldende zinnen die je steeds laten voelen waar het wringt. Zinnen die je bijblijven 💙
.
.
'Thee met peperkoek?' vraagt mijn moeder.
Ik spring van tree naar tree naar beneden.
'Voorzichtig,' zegt ze.
Op de laatste trede sta ik stil en ik glip weer tussen de spijlen van de trap door. Mama weet niet waarom ik dat doe. Niemand weet dat, alleen ik. Zo kan ik controleren of ik niet te hard groei. Zolang ik ertussendoor pas is het goed.'
.
.
'Ik zal je bewaren' van Jeska Verstegen (Querido) 📘 10+
Na een verspreking van oma Bomma - gevolgd door het zwijgen van haar moeder, die als kind de Tweede Wereldoorlog meemaakte - ontrafelt Jesje op eigen houtje een ondraaglijk familieverdriet.
.
.
In 'Ik zal je bewaren' vertelt Jeska Verstegen kwetsbaar en sterk tegelijk dat zulk verdriet nooit verborgen zou mogen blijven. In beeldschone, beeldende zinnen die je steeds laten voelen waar het wringt. Zinnen die je bijblijven 💙
.
.
'Thee met peperkoek?' vraagt mijn moeder.
Ik spring van tree naar tree naar beneden.
'Voorzichtig,' zegt ze.
Op de laatste trede sta ik stil en ik glip weer tussen de spijlen van de trap door. Mama weet niet waarom ik dat doe. Niemand weet dat, alleen ik. Zo kan ik controleren of ik niet te hard groei. Zolang ik ertussendoor pas is het goed.'
.
.
'Ik zal je bewaren' van Jeska Verstegen (Querido) 📘 10+
Read
November 17, 2023In haar fijnzinnige jeugdromandebuut beschrijft Jeska Verstegen aangrijpend hoe het oorlogstrauma van haar oma en moeder ook haar jeugd in de jaren tachtig nog heeft beïnvloed. We spraken er met haar over in onze 25ste aflevering! Luister naar Jeska's kwetsbare verhaal, via Spotify, iTunes, TuneIn, je podcast-app of http://www.degrotevriendelijkepodcast...
May 10, 2020
Met tranen in mijn ogen heb ik het laatste hoofdstuk uitgelezen. Ik zal je bewaren is een prachtig kinderboek boek over hoe de Tweede Wereldoorlog ook degene beïnvloedt die hem niet zelf hebben meegemaakt. Het boek staat vol met prachtige rake zinnen. Geschikt voor kinderen vanaf een jaar of 10, maar ook ouders en andere volwassenen zullen er zeker van genieten.
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September 8, 2020Een schoorsteenmantelklok van generaties oud slaat het halve uur, een boek sluit ik met een hoofd vol gedachten om vervolgens weer te openen op zoek naar deze woorden: 'Het lieflijke pling-plong klonk vroeger in de flat van bomma en bompa. Plotseling ruik ik weer de geur van...'.
Het lezen vlotte niet. De dozen stapelden zich op. De leesboeken ook.
Dagen van opruimen, graven in oude documenten, archiveren van familiestukken, maken dat er de noodzakelijke ruimte in gedachten komt. Ruimte voor een verhaal. Dít verhaal.
'Ik zal je bewaren' maakt een reeks van geuren, beelden en geluiden in mij los waardoor alles zoals bij de 11-jarige Jeska in 'mijn hoofd op een rommelzolder met duizend stapels gedachten lijkt'.
Het waargebeurde verhaal van Jeska dat mij laat lezen-op-de-handrem. Zo mooi weergegeven hoe dit meisje stukje bij beetje een familiegeheim helder krijgt.
Een naam die bomma laat vallen, laat Jeska vragen stellen, zoeken in boeken, lezen, nadenken en een puzzel compleet maken. Waar is de familie van de foto's? Waarom spreken ze niet over WOII? Wat is Westerbork? Waarom geen geruite jas? Waarom geniet haar moeder zo van narcissen?
Wie, wat, waar, hoe...?
Opgroeien in een tijd waarin je te horen kreeg stil te zijn, niet op te vallen en nadenken over wat en hoe je iets zei, bepaalt zeer hoe je als kind bent. Je voelt aan, helpt vanzelf, merkt op. Je maakt jezelf onzichtbaar. En wat is het dan fijn dat er boeken zijn. 'Ik houd van boeken en verhalen, daarin kan niemand je storen of zich aan je storen.' Dromen zijn verzinsels zegt haar meester, 'maar fantasie is gewoon als het hebben van lenige hersens, ze buigen alle kanten op.'
Een reiswekkertje dat nooit op reis ging, een emmer water onder de boom (van de buurman waarvan we vorige week afscheid namen). Stiltes die anders zijn. Soms lijken het mijn beschreven gedachten en gedetailleerde observaties van toen. Ze zijn het niet, een geheel andere familiegeschiedenis. Mijn boekenkast is opgeruimd, er is weggegeven, ruimte voor deze. Dit boek zal ik willen bewaren.
Om uit blijven te vertellen, maar stil zijn is ook een manier van praten.
Je blijft vertellen en lezen.
'Littekens zijn tekeningen bij een verhaal.'
Een beeldend geschreven verhaal voor de goede lezer vanaf 10 jaar. Je wenst ieder kind een Moos of Bessie Blauw als vriendje.
Een geschiedenis waarvan een volgende generatie de gevolgen nog steeds voelt en ervaart. Als het moment van samen een ijsje eten aanbreekt, komt er opening naar het verleden. Er het besef en vermogen bij moeder is, dat Jeska mag/moet weten wat er is gebeurd om een verhaal te kennen dat ook haar verhaal is.
Geleerd: Kee-ri-do i.p.v. Kwee-ri-do.
En nu een filmpje kijken. Een bijzondere.
Het lezen vlotte niet. De dozen stapelden zich op. De leesboeken ook.
Dagen van opruimen, graven in oude documenten, archiveren van familiestukken, maken dat er de noodzakelijke ruimte in gedachten komt. Ruimte voor een verhaal. Dít verhaal.
'Ik zal je bewaren' maakt een reeks van geuren, beelden en geluiden in mij los waardoor alles zoals bij de 11-jarige Jeska in 'mijn hoofd op een rommelzolder met duizend stapels gedachten lijkt'.
Het waargebeurde verhaal van Jeska dat mij laat lezen-op-de-handrem. Zo mooi weergegeven hoe dit meisje stukje bij beetje een familiegeheim helder krijgt.
Een naam die bomma laat vallen, laat Jeska vragen stellen, zoeken in boeken, lezen, nadenken en een puzzel compleet maken. Waar is de familie van de foto's? Waarom spreken ze niet over WOII? Wat is Westerbork? Waarom geen geruite jas? Waarom geniet haar moeder zo van narcissen?
Wie, wat, waar, hoe...?
Opgroeien in een tijd waarin je te horen kreeg stil te zijn, niet op te vallen en nadenken over wat en hoe je iets zei, bepaalt zeer hoe je als kind bent. Je voelt aan, helpt vanzelf, merkt op. Je maakt jezelf onzichtbaar. En wat is het dan fijn dat er boeken zijn. 'Ik houd van boeken en verhalen, daarin kan niemand je storen of zich aan je storen.' Dromen zijn verzinsels zegt haar meester, 'maar fantasie is gewoon als het hebben van lenige hersens, ze buigen alle kanten op.'
Een reiswekkertje dat nooit op reis ging, een emmer water onder de boom (van de buurman waarvan we vorige week afscheid namen). Stiltes die anders zijn. Soms lijken het mijn beschreven gedachten en gedetailleerde observaties van toen. Ze zijn het niet, een geheel andere familiegeschiedenis. Mijn boekenkast is opgeruimd, er is weggegeven, ruimte voor deze. Dit boek zal ik willen bewaren.
Om uit blijven te vertellen, maar stil zijn is ook een manier van praten.
Je blijft vertellen en lezen.
'Littekens zijn tekeningen bij een verhaal.'
Een beeldend geschreven verhaal voor de goede lezer vanaf 10 jaar. Je wenst ieder kind een Moos of Bessie Blauw als vriendje.
Een geschiedenis waarvan een volgende generatie de gevolgen nog steeds voelt en ervaart. Als het moment van samen een ijsje eten aanbreekt, komt er opening naar het verleden. Er het besef en vermogen bij moeder is, dat Jeska mag/moet weten wat er is gebeurd om een verhaal te kennen dat ook haar verhaal is.
Geleerd: Kee-ri-do i.p.v. Kwee-ri-do.
En nu een filmpje kijken. Een bijzondere.
May 27, 2024
Jeska lijkt uit een doorsnee gezin te komen, maar er is een onderstroom.. Haar moeder sluit zich thuis volledig af. En wat er precies is, is niet duidelijk. Een vreemd voorval met haar oma in het verpleeghuis, schept ook niet veel duidelijkheid. Haar moeder wil er niet op ingaan. Jeska gaat in de bibliotheek stiekem boeken over WOII lezen en probeert tot de waarheid te komen. Vele vragen, gebeurtenissen en onduidelijkheden worden uiteindelijk beantwoord, geduid en ontward.
Het is een prachtig boek, vlot en beeldend geschreven. Zonder heel zwaar te worden, weet ze de lezer te triggeren. Interessant is vooral, dat dit verhaal opgebouwd wordt vanuit het nu. Meestal zijn jeugdboeken juist vanuit vroeger opgebouwd, maar hier wordt heel duidelijk hoe de shoah nu nog leeft en invloed heeft.
Zoals het is, dus.
Het is een prachtig boek, vlot en beeldend geschreven. Zonder heel zwaar te worden, weet ze de lezer te triggeren. Interessant is vooral, dat dit verhaal opgebouwd wordt vanuit het nu. Meestal zijn jeugdboeken juist vanuit vroeger opgebouwd, maar hier wordt heel duidelijk hoe de shoah nu nog leeft en invloed heeft.
Zoals het is, dus.
September 14, 2020
Heel mooi en ontroerend.
Bespreking volgt op Boekielezen.nl
Bespreking volgt op Boekielezen.nl
April 13, 2021
Another work project that fills my heart with so much pride to be working on such incredible stories.
January 10, 2022
This was a touching story, written with such a clear voice that I felt like I’d made friends with the protagonist.
I think this is one of those important stories that everyone should read.
I think this is one of those important stories that everyone should read.
September 6, 2025
3,5 ⭐
Autobiografisch, het lijkt een naïef eenvoudig verhaal van een 11 jarig meisje, maar er zit heel veel tussen de regels.
Niet eenvoudig hierdoor, we ontdekken doorheen het boek samen met Jeska wat er allemaal speelt in het gezin.
Autobiografisch, het lijkt een naïef eenvoudig verhaal van een 11 jarig meisje, maar er zit heel veel tussen de regels.
Niet eenvoudig hierdoor, we ontdekken doorheen het boek samen met Jeska wat er allemaal speelt in het gezin.
November 25, 2023
Een sterk verhaal met een belangrijke boodschap. Zeker zo mooi en belangrijk vanwege het autobiografische aspect.
Het verhaal is traag wat het juist sterk maakt, maar kan me ook voorstellen dat het in de hedendaagse tijd hierdoor niet gekozen wordt. Voor ons leesconsulenten en leerkrachten een belangrijk boek om onder de aandacht te blijven brengen. Voor groep 7-8.
Het verhaal is traag wat het juist sterk maakt, maar kan me ook voorstellen dat het in de hedendaagse tijd hierdoor niet gekozen wordt. Voor ons leesconsulenten en leerkrachten een belangrijk boek om onder de aandacht te blijven brengen. Voor groep 7-8.
January 31, 2022
I'll Keep You Close by Jeska Verstegen is a beautiful insight into how a young girl deals with family trauma and history. The author writes in a child's perspective, giving readers a fascinating look into how eleven year old Jesja is dealing with the secrets she uncovers. We later find out in the author's note that Jeska has written this story based on her own childhood, family and experiences.
Her openness and honesty with the struggles she felt as she grew up is brilliant to read. This book is marketed for younger readers, and while I think that is a great target audience, I also believe there is a lot for an older reader to take away from this book. I emphasised with Jesja, and I felt for her as she tried to understand her mother's actions and behaviours.
Jeska Verstegen brings a child's perspective to life as she relates her own experiences in fiction. This book is written beautifully, and I recommend this to all readers, in particular a younger audience.
Her openness and honesty with the struggles she felt as she grew up is brilliant to read. This book is marketed for younger readers, and while I think that is a great target audience, I also believe there is a lot for an older reader to take away from this book. I emphasised with Jesja, and I felt for her as she tried to understand her mother's actions and behaviours.
Jeska Verstegen brings a child's perspective to life as she relates her own experiences in fiction. This book is written beautifully, and I recommend this to all readers, in particular a younger audience.
February 5, 2022
A touching story based on real events. Really enjoyed the story being told from a young child’s perspective; her inner dialogue pulled me in close. It also gave me a little bit of insight into what life was like for my family living in The Netherlands during WW2. A short and sweet, though incredibly sad, book that I recommend reading.
June 6, 2021
Ontroerend boek over familie, verdriet, oorlog en geheimen. Het is niet meteen vanaf het begin duidelijk in welke tijd het boek zich afspeelt, maar het is wel heel mooi verteld. De schrijfster neemt je mee in haar verhaal en langzaam ontrafelt het zich.
April 2, 2022
(CW: The Holocaust, discussion of trauma)
I'm not Jewish, but I am a Jew.
That's how I look at it, anyway.
I was never very interested in the Catholicism in which I'd been raised, the religion of my ancestors, or so I'd believed, and by the time I was a teenager I'd pretty much abandoned my faith entirely. I still had moments, little bursts of spirituality, primarily in college -- Buddhist one month, flirting with Sufi Islam the next, on the precipice of joining Krishna Consciousness, almost Mormon at one point... I tried to deny it then, but accept it now, that I wasn't truly interested in spirituality, I was just looking for a place to belong. I sensed a void inside myself and sought fruitlessly to fill it.
"What am I?" I wanted to ask. "What do you see?"
There was a story inside of me all along. But it is not my story, I am only a part of it.
When my cousin, bored and burnt out from the pandemic (she works in medical robotics), used her knowledge of German and her connections to various people who specialize in this sort of thing, began researching our family history, she quickly discovered that the narrative we'd been told our entire lives was a lie.
Our grandmother's grandparents were not German Catholics, or at least they hadn't always been. They were Jews who'd converted around the time they came to the United States. Perhaps their conversion was sincere; perhaps it was an attempt to hide what they were. We don't know. It doesn't really matter, anyway.
What does matter is the narrative that unfolded as each document was translated into English: the story of (presumably) Russian Jews fleeing the antisemitism of the Russian Empire, settling down in Bavaria, in Munich, until they were again encouraged to seek shelter in the United States. Or at least, that's what it looks like; many of the documents are in Yiddish and have not been translated at the time of this review.
They came here, they became Catholic, they had children, those children had children, and so on and so forth. And now here we are. I cannot say the same for the ones who stayed in Europe, because most if not all of them are gone now.
My cousin and I are the only people in our family interested in exploring what was stolen from us. We're both atheists, so our interaction with our ancestral religion is purely cultural. She's gone the extra step and has converted to Reform Judaism, has changed her name, has immersed herself in her newfound community.
Judaism, as you probably know, is inherited matrilineally. My mother is my grandmother's only daughter, so unlike my cousin I was "born" Jewish. I guess I don't feel as much of a need to convert, as my status as a Jew is irrevocable. And, to be frank, as a transgender person, as an atheist, as someone who was deeply hurt by the religion I was raised with, I am anxious about conversion. I don't want to open myself up to more pain. However, I plan to consult with a rabbi about my family history and what that means for me, how I can explore it as a secular, queer person. And, when I inevitably legally change my name, I will incorporate a Hebrew name, and yes, I already have a few in mind.
But still...
I know that my Judaism is not the Judaism of others. I was born a Jew, though I did not know it, though I was not allowed to know, but I won't presume to be an expert, nor an authority, nor the same as someone who has spent their entire life a practicing Jew. I do not speak for any Jew but myself.
And yet...
Something has changed within me. It's harder for me to talk about the Holocaust; tears well in my eyes when I read about it. I cried reading this book. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I have, over time, come to understand that I am an heir to a long and often terrible history. That it is my responsibility to remember.
As a librarian, as a book nerd, my primary interaction with the world is through literature. Therefore, it is my goal to consume as much Jewish literature as I can going forward -- I'm sure it's cringey but this is how I will learn what it means to be Jewish.
My cousin and I plan to eventually visit Warsaw, where many if not most of our family were sent and from which none returned. We will say a kaddish for people we'll never know. We'll find somewhere to place stones. We will stain the concrete with tears. Our shadows will pass over the places they lived, and maybe some small part of them will hide inside the darkness we carry and we'll take them with us.
I don't know how it feels to be a Jew. Maybe one day I will.
Thank you for this book, Jeska Verstegen. It is a treasure.
---
"If she could, she would let the world dissolve, like sugar in tea." (p. 5)
"Is it a Jewish face that looks back at me?
It doesn't feel Jewish. But how does that actually feel? I have no idea." (p. 90)
"You're in my head. That's where I'll keep you close." (p. 158)
I'm not Jewish, but I am a Jew.
That's how I look at it, anyway.
I was never very interested in the Catholicism in which I'd been raised, the religion of my ancestors, or so I'd believed, and by the time I was a teenager I'd pretty much abandoned my faith entirely. I still had moments, little bursts of spirituality, primarily in college -- Buddhist one month, flirting with Sufi Islam the next, on the precipice of joining Krishna Consciousness, almost Mormon at one point... I tried to deny it then, but accept it now, that I wasn't truly interested in spirituality, I was just looking for a place to belong. I sensed a void inside myself and sought fruitlessly to fill it.
"What am I?" I wanted to ask. "What do you see?"
There was a story inside of me all along. But it is not my story, I am only a part of it.
When my cousin, bored and burnt out from the pandemic (she works in medical robotics), used her knowledge of German and her connections to various people who specialize in this sort of thing, began researching our family history, she quickly discovered that the narrative we'd been told our entire lives was a lie.
Our grandmother's grandparents were not German Catholics, or at least they hadn't always been. They were Jews who'd converted around the time they came to the United States. Perhaps their conversion was sincere; perhaps it was an attempt to hide what they were. We don't know. It doesn't really matter, anyway.
What does matter is the narrative that unfolded as each document was translated into English: the story of (presumably) Russian Jews fleeing the antisemitism of the Russian Empire, settling down in Bavaria, in Munich, until they were again encouraged to seek shelter in the United States. Or at least, that's what it looks like; many of the documents are in Yiddish and have not been translated at the time of this review.
They came here, they became Catholic, they had children, those children had children, and so on and so forth. And now here we are. I cannot say the same for the ones who stayed in Europe, because most if not all of them are gone now.
My cousin and I are the only people in our family interested in exploring what was stolen from us. We're both atheists, so our interaction with our ancestral religion is purely cultural. She's gone the extra step and has converted to Reform Judaism, has changed her name, has immersed herself in her newfound community.
Judaism, as you probably know, is inherited matrilineally. My mother is my grandmother's only daughter, so unlike my cousin I was "born" Jewish. I guess I don't feel as much of a need to convert, as my status as a Jew is irrevocable. And, to be frank, as a transgender person, as an atheist, as someone who was deeply hurt by the religion I was raised with, I am anxious about conversion. I don't want to open myself up to more pain. However, I plan to consult with a rabbi about my family history and what that means for me, how I can explore it as a secular, queer person. And, when I inevitably legally change my name, I will incorporate a Hebrew name, and yes, I already have a few in mind.
But still...
I know that my Judaism is not the Judaism of others. I was born a Jew, though I did not know it, though I was not allowed to know, but I won't presume to be an expert, nor an authority, nor the same as someone who has spent their entire life a practicing Jew. I do not speak for any Jew but myself.
And yet...
Something has changed within me. It's harder for me to talk about the Holocaust; tears well in my eyes when I read about it. I cried reading this book. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I have, over time, come to understand that I am an heir to a long and often terrible history. That it is my responsibility to remember.
As a librarian, as a book nerd, my primary interaction with the world is through literature. Therefore, it is my goal to consume as much Jewish literature as I can going forward -- I'm sure it's cringey but this is how I will learn what it means to be Jewish.
My cousin and I plan to eventually visit Warsaw, where many if not most of our family were sent and from which none returned. We will say a kaddish for people we'll never know. We'll find somewhere to place stones. We will stain the concrete with tears. Our shadows will pass over the places they lived, and maybe some small part of them will hide inside the darkness we carry and we'll take them with us.
I don't know how it feels to be a Jew. Maybe one day I will.
Thank you for this book, Jeska Verstegen. It is a treasure.
---
"If she could, she would let the world dissolve, like sugar in tea." (p. 5)
"Is it a Jewish face that looks back at me?
It doesn't feel Jewish. But how does that actually feel? I have no idea." (p. 90)
"You're in my head. That's where I'll keep you close." (p. 158)
May 9, 2022
This is Jeska Verstegen’s debut young adult novel that is based on her own family history. Verstegen uses the voice of eleven-year-old Jeska who visits her grandmother one day, only to be called a name that does not belong to her. This prompts the young girl to try and uncover the history of her family and the reasons nobody wants to talk about it. What starts out as a simple visit to her grandmothers soon leads to a much more complex web of family secrets.
Jeska is a serious sort of character who seems older than her eleven years. It is the perfect age though for the protagonist to discover a harrowing time in history through the eyes of her young self. Jeska’s world is filled with attending school, hanging out with her friend Lienke, caring for her cat Moz, and avoiding the moods of her mother who prefers to keep the curtains drawn rather than allow the outside world in. Jeska goes about her days with no thought or knowledge of her Jewish heritage. That is until one day she visits her grandmother, Bomma, who mistakenly calls Jeska by the name of Hesje. It is a seemingly innocent mistake, however Jeska refuses to let it rest and sets about trying to discover who Hesje is. Nothing can prepare her for the fate of young Hesje.
Slowly Jeska starts to piece together parts of the puzzle until she realizes she is Jewish and that for her parents and grandparents, that meant a harrowing time for them before Jeska was born. It also means ongoing trauma that members of her family still live and that Jeska cannot understand. Verstegen intimates this trauma through expressions such as, “It’s dark in my head,” and, “Mama can sometimes get really angry and upset. I don’t usually know exactly why.” It is the simply written responses that come from using a younger character’s POV that make this book different to others and accessible for the lower to middle years of secondary school audience.
Readers might have some prior knowledge of the Holocaust, but this novel offers an extra sensitive take on the atrocities through Jeska’s detective work. She pieces her understanding together from the knowledge of those around her. Her young mind must make sense of the information she is collecting. The reader has the opportunity to understand the references at the same time as the main character.
The writing style and short chapters in this novel make it easy to access for all reading abilities. The language is suitable for a wide age group but sophisticated enough that it offers points of discussion interpretation and analysis. It is an introduction to the incomprehensible Holocaust during WW2. It opens conversation for students to make sense of the horrors that took place and the human spirit that, at times, prevailed.
I’ll Keep You Close is suitable for the 12+ age group. It is particularly suitable for the year 8-9 curriculum with a focus on racial tensions, genocide and inter-generational trauma.
Jeska is a serious sort of character who seems older than her eleven years. It is the perfect age though for the protagonist to discover a harrowing time in history through the eyes of her young self. Jeska’s world is filled with attending school, hanging out with her friend Lienke, caring for her cat Moz, and avoiding the moods of her mother who prefers to keep the curtains drawn rather than allow the outside world in. Jeska goes about her days with no thought or knowledge of her Jewish heritage. That is until one day she visits her grandmother, Bomma, who mistakenly calls Jeska by the name of Hesje. It is a seemingly innocent mistake, however Jeska refuses to let it rest and sets about trying to discover who Hesje is. Nothing can prepare her for the fate of young Hesje.
Slowly Jeska starts to piece together parts of the puzzle until she realizes she is Jewish and that for her parents and grandparents, that meant a harrowing time for them before Jeska was born. It also means ongoing trauma that members of her family still live and that Jeska cannot understand. Verstegen intimates this trauma through expressions such as, “It’s dark in my head,” and, “Mama can sometimes get really angry and upset. I don’t usually know exactly why.” It is the simply written responses that come from using a younger character’s POV that make this book different to others and accessible for the lower to middle years of secondary school audience.
Readers might have some prior knowledge of the Holocaust, but this novel offers an extra sensitive take on the atrocities through Jeska’s detective work. She pieces her understanding together from the knowledge of those around her. Her young mind must make sense of the information she is collecting. The reader has the opportunity to understand the references at the same time as the main character.
The writing style and short chapters in this novel make it easy to access for all reading abilities. The language is suitable for a wide age group but sophisticated enough that it offers points of discussion interpretation and analysis. It is an introduction to the incomprehensible Holocaust during WW2. It opens conversation for students to make sense of the horrors that took place and the human spirit that, at times, prevailed.
I’ll Keep You Close is suitable for the 12+ age group. It is particularly suitable for the year 8-9 curriculum with a focus on racial tensions, genocide and inter-generational trauma.
March 10, 2022
Jeska is eleven, still likes to play with a small doll that fits in her pocket, and loves to daydream. She has a vivid imagination, and loves sharing it with her best friend Lienke as they enjoy crafts, and making things.
Jeska enjoys school in her small town in the Netherlands and lives with her mum, dad and 16 yr old sister. One day her teacher asks his students to get their history books out of their desks. They are about to study World War II. Jeska doesn’t know anything about this war, but soon realises it was a huge part of her family history.
Her Bomma (Grandmother) has been moved into a retirement home nearby because of her deepening dementia, and after a visit with her mum, Jeska is left with questions. Bomma mistook her for someone called Hesje. Who is Hesje?
Jeska tries asking her mother, despite already knowing her mum won’t answer. Mum is a serious person, with many rules for her two daughters. She often closes the curtains of her house, and plays Mozart on the record player when she returns home from her work as a nutritionist. Dad says she does it when the world around her is becoming too much.
Jeska’s unanswered question burns a hole in her curiosity, and with her history lessons at school, a sneaky look at Dad’s encyclopedias and a trip to the library, she begins pulling clues and information together. A secret visit to Bomma on her own reveals more. Bomma is acting more strangely every day, believing she is somewhere else – standing on a platform, waiting for a train.
A borrowed copy of Anne Frank helps Jeska understand even more of Bomma and Mum’s past. But she didn’t think they were even Jewish?
This is a beautifully written story (based on true events and the author’s family) through the eyes of an 11 year old girl. Jeska’s inquisitive and imaginative mind is piqued by a name given to her by her grandmother in error, and she sets out to learn more. As Jeska learns about WWII at school and slowly reveals her family’s connection to it, she begins to understand her mother’s strange behaviours, strict rules and serious nature.
I’ll Keep You Close is written in short chapters of events in Jeska’s daily life, whether it be playing with a neighbourhood cat in her garden or planning to save a favourite tree with her friend. Woven between these day-to-day happenings are Jeska’s thoughts on what she is piecing together about her family history. A photo in the rear of the book left me quiet and sombre, regardless of how much I already knew about the Holocaust.
I’ll Keep You Close is not only a reminder of this terrible time in history, but a personal insight of intergenerational trauma – and how to move forward while keeping the memories close.
Author – Jeska Verstegen
Age – 10+
Jeska enjoys school in her small town in the Netherlands and lives with her mum, dad and 16 yr old sister. One day her teacher asks his students to get their history books out of their desks. They are about to study World War II. Jeska doesn’t know anything about this war, but soon realises it was a huge part of her family history.
Her Bomma (Grandmother) has been moved into a retirement home nearby because of her deepening dementia, and after a visit with her mum, Jeska is left with questions. Bomma mistook her for someone called Hesje. Who is Hesje?
Jeska tries asking her mother, despite already knowing her mum won’t answer. Mum is a serious person, with many rules for her two daughters. She often closes the curtains of her house, and plays Mozart on the record player when she returns home from her work as a nutritionist. Dad says she does it when the world around her is becoming too much.
Jeska’s unanswered question burns a hole in her curiosity, and with her history lessons at school, a sneaky look at Dad’s encyclopedias and a trip to the library, she begins pulling clues and information together. A secret visit to Bomma on her own reveals more. Bomma is acting more strangely every day, believing she is somewhere else – standing on a platform, waiting for a train.
A borrowed copy of Anne Frank helps Jeska understand even more of Bomma and Mum’s past. But she didn’t think they were even Jewish?
This is a beautifully written story (based on true events and the author’s family) through the eyes of an 11 year old girl. Jeska’s inquisitive and imaginative mind is piqued by a name given to her by her grandmother in error, and she sets out to learn more. As Jeska learns about WWII at school and slowly reveals her family’s connection to it, she begins to understand her mother’s strange behaviours, strict rules and serious nature.
I’ll Keep You Close is written in short chapters of events in Jeska’s daily life, whether it be playing with a neighbourhood cat in her garden or planning to save a favourite tree with her friend. Woven between these day-to-day happenings are Jeska’s thoughts on what she is piecing together about her family history. A photo in the rear of the book left me quiet and sombre, regardless of how much I already knew about the Holocaust.
I’ll Keep You Close is not only a reminder of this terrible time in history, but a personal insight of intergenerational trauma – and how to move forward while keeping the memories close.
Author – Jeska Verstegen
Age – 10+
April 21, 2023
3.5 stars
I love the front cover of this novel, it is so moving in its simplicity. I'll Keep You Close was a touching story based on the author's family history. I loved how the novel was told from a child's perspective as Jeska tried to discover the secrets her mother had been keeping from her.
Through school history lessons, her grandmother's photo albums, her father's encyclopedias, The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank and visits to the library she slowly starts to assemble pieces of the puzzle. As Jeska learns what happened to her family during WWII so does the reader, revealing the horror of the time and the inter-generational trauma that still existed, especially in her mother.
At the end of the book, there was a link to the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum which showed a short chip of five-year-old Hesje laughing, playing and running happily around. It made me cry knowing that a few months later this beautiful, innocent little girl was murdered simply because of her race. So utterly cruel and heartless!
I love the front cover of this novel, it is so moving in its simplicity. I'll Keep You Close was a touching story based on the author's family history. I loved how the novel was told from a child's perspective as Jeska tried to discover the secrets her mother had been keeping from her.
Through school history lessons, her grandmother's photo albums, her father's encyclopedias, The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank and visits to the library she slowly starts to assemble pieces of the puzzle. As Jeska learns what happened to her family during WWII so does the reader, revealing the horror of the time and the inter-generational trauma that still existed, especially in her mother.
At the end of the book, there was a link to the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum which showed a short chip of five-year-old Hesje laughing, playing and running happily around. It made me cry knowing that a few months later this beautiful, innocent little girl was murdered simply because of her race. So utterly cruel and heartless!
October 9, 2022
This is a beautiful, poignant, true story of the author's attempts to find out about her family history during World War 2 and the Holocaust.
Jeska lives in Belgium with her parents and sister and when her ailing grandmother calls her the wrong name she becomes fascinated as to who this person might be. Her mother shuts her down whenever she tries to ask any questions and so Jeska has to rely on her father's encyclopedias and her grandmother's old photo album.
As Jeska finds out what happened to some of her family, it is as though we are finding out with her - feeling her shock and horror as she learns that few of her grandmother's family survived the Holcaust.
I really liked the short chapters and Jeska's voice was appealing and authentic.
At the end of the book is a poignant photo of the young girl who Jeska's grandmother mistook her for, as well as a link to a short video clip of the same girl, playing happily.
Jeska lives in Belgium with her parents and sister and when her ailing grandmother calls her the wrong name she becomes fascinated as to who this person might be. Her mother shuts her down whenever she tries to ask any questions and so Jeska has to rely on her father's encyclopedias and her grandmother's old photo album.
As Jeska finds out what happened to some of her family, it is as though we are finding out with her - feeling her shock and horror as she learns that few of her grandmother's family survived the Holcaust.
I really liked the short chapters and Jeska's voice was appealing and authentic.
At the end of the book is a poignant photo of the young girl who Jeska's grandmother mistook her for, as well as a link to a short video clip of the same girl, playing happily.
January 11, 2022
Jeska is curious to learn more about her family's history when she sees a photo album her grandmother looks at in the nursing home. Who are these people and why does her grandmother call Jeska by another name? Answers start to come forth when Jeska is introduced by a unit in school to the plight of the Jews in the Netherlands, where she lives. She also looks up some of the terms she's learning in the set of encyclopedias her family owns. Families do have secrets, and in Jeska's case her parents keep the fact they are Jewish and the injustices the family endured from their children.
In Jeska's case, she needed to be told the truth and that is probably the case for many children.
This story doesn't have a big plot or factors that make it great literature, but the story needs to be told.
In Jeska's case, she needed to be told the truth and that is probably the case for many children.
This story doesn't have a big plot or factors that make it great literature, but the story needs to be told.
February 8, 2023
This non-fiction story based in Holland explores a family mystery. Jesje and her older sister know to keep quiet and follow Mam’s rules at home. If the curtains are drawn, and Mama is lying down, the world must be kept at bay. Noise, people, nothing must disturb Mama.
Jesje learns about the Second World War and works out that her parents lived through it. Jesje’s grandmother lives nearby in a nursing home. Jesje visits her grandmother with her mother. Her grandmother calls her Hesje. When she asks her mother who Hesje was, she is told never to talk about that, no questions.
Jesje sets out to discover who Jesje was, and maybe it will unlock the secret of her mother’s unusual behaviour. What does she find?
This book presents the dreadful impact of trauma from a child’s perspective.
Recommended for readers 13 years and older.
Jesje learns about the Second World War and works out that her parents lived through it. Jesje’s grandmother lives nearby in a nursing home. Jesje visits her grandmother with her mother. Her grandmother calls her Hesje. When she asks her mother who Hesje was, she is told never to talk about that, no questions.
Jesje sets out to discover who Jesje was, and maybe it will unlock the secret of her mother’s unusual behaviour. What does she find?
This book presents the dreadful impact of trauma from a child’s perspective.
Recommended for readers 13 years and older.
August 26, 2021
Almost every family has secrets, but most are not as powerful as the one 11-year-old Jesje’s mother refuses to talk about. In Jeska Verstegen’s “I’ll Keep You Close” (Levine Quirdo), Jesje wonders why her mother always keeps the drapes closed and plays music as if she is trying to drown out her emotions. Jesje and her older sister are expected to be home exactly on time and not to make too much noise. Since she has no explanations for her mother’s behavior, Jesje can’t help, but feel she must be doing something wrong.
See the rest of my review at https://www.thereportergroup.org/past...
See the rest of my review at https://www.thereportergroup.org/past...
April 28, 2022
I listened to this book. The narration was great, and I was moved that this was based on the author's childhood. A lot of things were left unexplained, and I feel like the descriptions of the book (from the publisher, from other reviewers) actually try to explore the themes of the book more than the book did. I'm left with questions that go unanswered--how is it a child in the 1980's wouldn't know about the Holocaust? And Jesje's mother wouldn't let her daughter learn about it in school? And why wouldn't anyone have talked about and kept alive the memory of little Hesje? I am not judging this family's trauma--knowing this is based on the author's life, I understand that this is how this one family dealt with the trauma of the Holocaust.
March 25, 2022
This a touching story for kids about a young girl in Amsterdam in the 1980s who learns about her family history.
There are some heavy themes discussed in this book such as dementia, trauma, and the Holocaust. Despite the heavy themes the story is told simply and in a way that doesn’t overwhelm despite this being a memoir of someone’s life.
Overall there was a feeling of love, understanding, and honouring family through the story as we follow the authors journey learning about her lost family and her family still living.
Would recommend this as a read to anyone learning about the Holocaust or for families dealing with inter-generational trauma.
There are some heavy themes discussed in this book such as dementia, trauma, and the Holocaust. Despite the heavy themes the story is told simply and in a way that doesn’t overwhelm despite this being a memoir of someone’s life.
Overall there was a feeling of love, understanding, and honouring family through the story as we follow the authors journey learning about her lost family and her family still living.
Would recommend this as a read to anyone learning about the Holocaust or for families dealing with inter-generational trauma.
January 10, 2023
Well done -- a spare, memoir-ish story about a child trying to find out her family history, with the holocaust as a major factor in that history. Her voice is very convincing -- as this is based on the author's family, that's to be expected, I guess, but she writes from an 11 year old viewpoint in an authentic way. I particularly like her awareness that childhood is ending, and how she's holding on to her own smallness and care for toys and imagination. I resisted the idea of growing up and it's cool to see that reflected. It's also a great portrait of a family with lingering trauma and how that manifests through generations. Thoughtful, moving.
February 12, 2025
A lot about this book resonated with me. Perhaps because I am roughly Jeska's age and also grew up in the Netherlands with parents traumatized by WW2 (although not to the devastating extent that befell Jeska's family). The book, which is about WW2's generational trauma, is very well written: much is left in the subtext, which I love. I am a huge fan of Jeska's art, and wish she had illustrated the jacket. Wiesner's art is fine, but I personally prefer that an author who is also a fantastic illustrator illustrates her own work, especially for such an emotional, personal story. Perhaps even adding some of her exquisite spot illos throughout? It would have make this a 5-star book for me.
October 5, 2022
I read this in one sitting in the library, and I did in fact cry in public because of this. “I’ll Keep You Close” is such a deeply emotional and powerful book that truly impacted me, even in its short length. I loved how perfectly it captured the perspective of a child, with its almost stream of consciousness style. So many small things had such a vivid emotional impact, and this book did such a good job at conveying the effects of trauma and how it impacts generations. Absolutely beautiful read
December 7, 2024
I started this book quite some time ago. I’ve owned it for a couple of years now, something I picked up in a local store. When I started this I read through till the end of part 2 but couldn’t go any further due to the understanding and closeness I felt to Jeska and her story because of my own family history. Well, months later, I finally decided to finish it because it’s a story that needs to be read and wow, what a beautifully recounted story of family history in the aftermath of war. If I could give it more than 5 stars I certainly would. This story will be unforgettable.
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