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When Home Hurts: A Guide for Responding Wisely to Domestic Abuse in Your Church

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A pastoral guide to dealing wisely with domestic abuse in the local church.     This book is intended to equip pastors, church leaders and church members to respond with the heart of God to situations of domestic abuse that occur in their local church. Prioritising the safety of the victim at all times, Jeremy Pierre and Greg Wilson seek to help you be the kind of church leader, church member, friend, parent, sibling, or neighbor who responds wisely. We want the church to be a new normal for those grown accustomed to abuse. A home that doesn’t hurt those inside, but instead welcomes them into the tender care of the Lord.     Split into three sections,  When Home Hurts  begins with an overview to provide a framework for understanding abuse and the people caught up in it, before moving on to advice on how to help in the short and long terms.   This very practical, pastoral book acknowledges the reality and the horror of domestic abuse, but also the reality and power of God to heal. It will be a helpful guide to anyone who suspects abuse within their church family but is unsure how to help without making things worse.   The five appendices at the end of the book offer helpful answers to difficult questions as well as additional resources.   Section 1 – How to Understand Abuse Understanding Your Role as Agent of God’s Love Understanding Abuse Dynamics Discerning Abuse Dynamics Section 2 – How to Help in the Short Term Caring for the Victim Confronting the Abuser Considering Collateral Damage Section 3 – How to Help in the Long Term Helping the Move from Victim to Overcomer Helping the Move from Abuser to Servant Leading Your Church to Respond with Wisdom and Compassion Appendix A – FAQs in the Initial Stages Appendix B – FAQs on Separation, Divorce, and Reunification After Abuse Appendix C – The Authority of Scripture and Abuse Research Appendix D – Resources Appendix E – Care Advocate Role Description

288 pages, Paperback

Published September 10, 2021

67 people are currently reading
330 people want to read

About the author

Jeremy Pierre

12 books25 followers
Jeremy Pierre, PhD, is Associate Professor of Biblical Counseling and Dean of Students at Southern Seminary. He is also a pastor at Clifton Baptist Church. He is coauthor of The Pastor and Counseling. He and his wife Sarah raise their five children in Louisville, Kentucky.

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Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
Profile Image for Craig Marshall.
55 reviews18 followers
September 20, 2021
I am amazed how biblical, practical, and comprehensive this book is. It put words to dynamics I didn’t know how to describe, and it gave clarifying categories for patterns and tensions that are confusing and elusive. It gives you what you need to know to get started in caring well in these difficult situations, providing a path forward in the fog and warning about the dangers of a naïve approach to abuse dynamics. It also points you to many helpful resources to continue growing individually and as a team in proper pastoral care. I am thankful for how well the authors showed what this can look like in churches with varying levels of counseling resources, and the clarity they brought to what pastors and churches may be able to provide, and what additional expert resources are needed to address the complexities of longstanding abuse. I am so thankful for this book and excited to go through it with many people in our church.
Profile Image for Andrew Gordon.
2 reviews1 follower
September 17, 2021
Every pastor needs to read this and bring church members along in this vital endeavor. In our world and a church culture that so badly needs to cut through the confusion, intimidation, and bickering of such a weighty issue for the sake of safety, sanity and moral clarity in the world; this book is a Godsend. It strikes the daunting tension between being weighty enough to make headway and being simple and concise enough to reach an audience with a wide range of experience to the topic.

The biblical and moral framework for response is clear, with the priority of the safety and sanity of the victim always before the reader. But it also offers hope and help for the perpetrator without offering unbiblical forms of cheap grace that further endanger the victim. The biblical role of shepherd leaders calls churches to act on behalf of the oppressed and abused in their midst in ways that are truly helpful and gospel-centered. If you heed the counsel of this book, you can minister to all parties without falling prey to cheap grace and false repentance in order to truly offer protection to the hurting while offering biblical help to the perpetrator.

Again, Pastors, buy at least three copies. Read it. Lead people through it. Use the recommended resources. Keep learning. And get to work.
Profile Image for Grace.
75 reviews
January 27, 2025
A book to read before you need to read it. Very clear and easy to understand. Gives very practical applications for church leadership and informal leaders in the church. Our cultures matter more than we often think. Grateful to have to read this for school. I recommend.
Profile Image for Christie Lacy.
29 reviews
January 13, 2022
Excellent. This is a must-read for those doing side-by-side care, providing tools and information about identifying oppressive behaviors. It provides help in caring for the oppressed and ways to engage the oppressor and his sin. It also provides potential framework for restoration and reconciliation.

This book is helpful for church leaders, small group leaders, and anyone providing one another care.
Profile Image for Ryn Conley.
23 reviews1 follower
July 20, 2025
soo many thoughts that’ll need to settle for a while before they form more fully. read this so quickly thinking of all the ways I needed this advice in the past couple of months! want to give this book to every person possible and get more convos started…send advice. share ideas. spend more time in prayer. If you see this and are interested in talking about this topic and being a part of the process of my thoughts forming more over time, feel free to ask!!
Profile Image for Bo Ties.
27 reviews2 followers
November 11, 2025
This is one of the hardest books I've ever read. There were times I had to set it down and walk away because the content is so difficult. Abuse is so awful, especially in the church. I hate that this book needs to exist, but I'm grateful that it does. It is heartbreaking and eye-opening in understanding domestic abuse.

It is such an important read, but I recommend reading it in small chunks.
Profile Image for Kaitlyn Pindak.
207 reviews22 followers
November 7, 2024
Excellent. Very thankful for this biblical, thorough, and thoughtful resource on how to lovingly come alongside those in the church who are in situations of domestic abuse. A good, tough, and insightful read.

1st read: 11/5-6/24

5/5 🌟
Profile Image for Hope Helms.
129 reviews4 followers
June 11, 2025
A very practical and digestible resource for those seeking to understand how to love and help in cases of domestic abuse. Plenty of references for additional help and resources.

I found the early chapters very helpful in articulating what exactly abuse is, why it is so harmful, and why it must be taken more seriously within the church.
Profile Image for Jessica Bunce.
54 reviews10 followers
October 7, 2021
"When Home Hurts" practically walks the reader through how to identify, help, counsel, and provide long-term care for those who find themselves experiencing domestic abuse. This is such a needed guide for pastors, leaders, and church members, with helpful appendices full of information, resources, and further reading. Dr. Pierre and Dr. Wilson honestly approach this difficult topic with grace and truth. Their definition of terms especially helps with identifying domestic abuse for what it is: when one person (usually of higher authority) uses his/her personal capacities to diminish those of other and seeks to control that person. This is a hard road to walk alongside someone experiencing a hurtful home, and this book helps in each step of the process, ending with the prayer that victims would, by God's grace, become victors, that abusers would become repentant servants, and that the church would respond wisely with love and care. Thankful for the time and energy that went into putting this guide together; may the Lord be glorified in the way the church cares for one another well.
Profile Image for Ashley Marshall.
64 reviews
October 22, 2024
I could spend an enormous amount of time writing a review on why I think this is the best book I've read on this topic!
Not only do the authors thoroughly confront the topic of abuse, but they do so with so much care and with *real* biblical guidance. They speak of care not only for the abused, but also the abuser and give great detail on how to get the church involved as a family operation to help.

So much directly opposes many things I've heard my whole life concerning the topics of abuse, counseling, forgiveness, reconciliation and more, but everything is backed well with scripture.

This is a book I hope many people and entire churches will utilize!
Profile Image for Blake.
456 reviews19 followers
December 3, 2021
Earlier this year, I decided that one topic I wanted to read more on for equipping purposes was abuse. It's one of those oft neglected topics within the church. Just one mention of the word, "abuse" in a conversation can get all kinds of reactions. It's a sensitive issue. No doubt the word "abuse" has been abused within our culture. Many of us are leery of the subject, for some of us have seen it as overused and truly abused. But truth be told, studies and statistics paint a picture that forces us to give some time and attention to the issue. This book, penned by Jeremy Pierre and Greg Wilson, provides some excellent input for the church to consider when it comes to responding wisely to domestic abuse. I'm not sure I agree with everything within the pages and it does seem to leave me with other questions, but there was much to be gathered from the content.

The book is broken down into three main sections: Section 1: How to Understand Abuse; Section 2: How To Respond After the Initial Disclosure; and Section Three: How to Care in the Long Term.

Pierre and Wison begin section one by challenging the reader to see himself/herself as an agent of God's love. This is a critical starting point, obviously, as we consider helping those caught in the throes of abuse. Once we see our role in helping the abused, next the authors move on to helping the reader understand the dynamics of abuse and how we can discern abuse. I found much in this section to be helpful, because one of the challenges in dealing with abuse is coming up with definitions. What qualifies as abuse? How do I determine whether one is truly being abused? I am still wrestling with some of what the authors offered by way of definitions and dynamics of abuse.

In section two, Pierre and Wilson provide some excellent and wise counsel on how to care for the victim. There is some excellent counsel for the church in this section, given that the church's history of handling abuse situations has often been found neglectful and very weak. One of the strengths of this section related to their chapter on Confronting the Abuser. This creates an interesting dynamic and can be a very hard thing to do. Pierre and Wilson given some foundational principles and counsel on how to approach this part of the ministry in an abuse situation doing so with gentleness and wisdom, always with the the anticated goal of restoration. One last part of this section helps the reader consider some of the collateral damage in the disclosure of the abuse and in how the church approaches this situation. Certainly, we know that it is possible that if dealt with wrongly, the situation can go very wrong, thus, the authors give counsel to proceed with caution and how to navigate through this while avoiding the common land mines.

The last section is devoted to providing care for the long term. Dealing with abuse situations are time consuming. Such situations are energy consuming. In genuine abuse situations, the church and its resources can and should be involved in the shepherding, helping, confronting, and restoring process. The authors lay out some very effective ideas of how to care for both the abuser and the abused. For example, they give attention to how the church can help the abused moved from a position of being a victim of abuse to being an overcomer. One doesn't have to live life as a victim and the authors provide helpful guidance to the church on how they can help the person move past the realities of being terribly sinned against, to not allowing that to define their life. The authors, likewise, give input on how to help the abuser move from his normal life of being abusive, sinful, evil, to becoming a servant. Last in the third section, Pierre and Wilson provide some counsel to church leaders on how to lead the church to a place where the church body responds to abusers and to the abused, both with wisdom and compassion.

The last part of the book provides a set of Appendixes that are very helpful. The first two appendixes provide answers to frequently asked questions. Most of what is provided here is excellent, although the authors seem to come up short in answering the hard, hard questions about abuse and divorce. I personally wasn't satisfied with their answer and it leaves me with more to wrestle with and consider. Appendix F introduces an issue that is very neglected in the church, neglected because many people don't believe that it even happens, and that is the issue of when wives abuse their husbands. Truth be told, this happens much more often than many realize. In fact, over the months of reading about abuse, it has been fascinating to learn of the many situations where men are actually living in abusive marriages. Just like marriages where women are abused by men, the situations involving men who are abused by their wives are equally tragic. I'm persuaded that this topic needs much more attention within the church as well.

As a whole, I thought the book, "When Home Hurts" is a very insightful book and provides much needed counsel for counselors and church leaders to consider as we work to care for others, love others, and shepherd the sheep. I highly recommend it to my Biblical Counseling team.
Profile Image for James Schroeder.
22 reviews3 followers
October 13, 2021
When Home Hurts: A Guide for Responding Wisely to Domestic Abuse in Your Church by Greg Wilson and Jeremy Pierre is a pastoral guide to wisely identify and minster to domestic abuse. Rather than taking a Biblical Narrative and looking for abuse within that story, Wilson and Pierre wisely use Scripture to provide perspective to view our situations through and rightly apply Biblical wisdom. In defining abuse, they refer to it as a "me over you" and a use of authority or personal capacity to diminish another person's capacity. They rightly distinguish between bad behavior and abuse.

Wilson and Pierre have written a practical guide that seeks to minister to both the victim and abuser in the short term and long term. Abuse is a complicated problem that takes much time to work through. Wilson and Pierre don't just point out the devastation and difficulties, the point to the healing power of the Lord in the midst of brokenness. This book provides a long-suffering framework of how to care well in the long term. It is often easier to minister to others in the short term. Counseling is given, sin is address, encouragement is given but then change can be expected. Abuse may take a long time to work through hurts, toxic behaviors, and to live out repentance.

The stated intended audience is Pastors, church leaders, or a friend or family member of someone you believe is being abused. There are also parts directed to those being abused as well as abusers. Though it seems written specifically to church leaders and biblical counselors. Those certain sections are directed to friends and family of those experiencing abuse.

There are a lot of helpful definitions and clarifications made to distinguish between sinful behavior and abuse. There are references to agencies and organizations that specialize in abuse as well as other resources and books they recommend. At the end of the book are helpful appendixes for further resource and specific circumstances.

Our goal is not just to call you as a church leader, friend, or family member to be involved, but to show you how to be involved in ways that reflect God’s heart as displayed in His Word, and in ways that do not cause further harm."

While genuinely desiring and working towards reconciliation and restoration, Wilson and Pierre are realistic to the depravity in the world. Not every abuser will be changed, some do not want restoration. We must not allow patterns of abuse to continue just because the abuser shows signs of worldly sorrow or temporary signs of change. It takes wisdom and discernment but it also take time to know if repentance is true repentance.

"Any appearance of change in a pattern of domestic abuse that is not sustained long-term and is not accompanied by evidence of new patterns is not repentance, and should not be judged as such."

Abuse is difficult to work through and requires much wisdom and skill. The church has not always done this well which leads some to be fearful of involving the church in abuse care. While not going that far, there is a sense of hesitancy to provide care for abuse victims and abusers solely within the church. The book advocates for expert assistance and advice. While I agree with this advice, it also saddens me that the church is not a safe place for victims to heal and a restorative place for abusers while holding the abuser accountable. The church has not cared well in these areas. This book provides practical advice and processes for churches to regain this trust and to recover its God given responsibility to care for the marginalized as well as lovingly and firmly correcting sin and bad behavior in the abuser.

"You are determining if a person in some position of authority is using his power to diminish the power of another to get what he wants. This means you will need to make a judgment call at two levels: the activity of the person with influence and the effects on the person under influence."

I pray that all church leaders, pastors, counselors, and anyone desiring to learn more about abuse read this book. It is by far the most helpful and practical resource for caring for abuse within the church. It not only defines what abuse is but it provides a biblical framework towards ministering to the abused and the abuser. Both need God's redemption in their lives, though there is a priority and ordering to how this is done. Lastly, it is important to understand that the depravity of man is such that not all will turn to Christ. Not all will desire change. The church must stand in the gap and do everything in their power to stop abuse and domestic violence but providing care, physical and financial help, and hope that can only be found in Christ.

I received a free copy in exchange for my honest review. The opinions I express are my own and I was not required to write a positive review.
8 reviews
December 9, 2022
A thoroughly biblical and compassionate treatment of a difficult problem

This is a well written book, with sound biblical direction for dealing with the heartbreaking problem of domestic abuse and violence in the home. It is thoroughly grounded in scripture, filled with compassion and practical wisdom for dealing with a pernicious type of behavior that is all too common today. The appendices alone are worth the price of the book. This would be a valuable addition to any pastor or counselor's bookshelf. It is also filled with Gospel hope! I learned a lot from this book and recommend it highly.
Profile Image for Gabriel Magill.
133 reviews
February 16, 2025
With any Christian Counseling book, it will always fall somewhere on the continuum of “a secular counseling book with some Bible verses thrown in” to “a systematic theology of this topic.” While this book does have some good biblical perspective throughout, the approach is heavily influenced by secular psychology and practices. However, the practical recommendations of this book are sound and biblical.

One big highlight of this book is the recommendations around the ongoing care of the victim(s) of the abuse. The importance of helping that person regain a biblical perspective of themselves, others, and God is very well presented.
Profile Image for Troy Nevitt.
315 reviews2 followers
August 18, 2025
How does one say "this is a great book" when the contents within are such tragic events? Pierre and Wilson handle this topic with wisdom and godliness. This book has served well as a tool that shows the power of God to care for the vulnerable. Much like Darby Strickland's book, Is This Abuse?, this book is a blessing for church leaders and anyone who is thinking of how they can protect the vulnerable in compassionate ways, while also caring for the abuser to call them away from their wicked deeds that they too may repent and find a right relationship, not filled with abuse, with God and others around them.
Profile Image for logankstewart.
412 reviews40 followers
September 1, 2025
We read this as an elder body at our church. It was very informative with lots of sound advice. I did find it somewhat repetitive and felt it could’ve been condensed some, but for others the length might be warranted.

This book functions as a textbook and a manual for dealing with abuse, written with care by experts who have been practicing for years. I appreciated the multiple examples and appendices in the back, as well as the high value placed on a genuine caring church body. Too often people fail to act or notice problems, especially abuse, so I’m hopeful this will be a help to the world.
Profile Image for Joshua Reichard.
276 reviews4 followers
January 1, 2022
A very helpful read. Both authors are clear in communicating how the church and pastors should hassle abuse in marriage. I truly think every pastor should read or at least use this book as a guide when they are counseling couples. Far too often do women feel a shamed or fearful to come forward and let those who can help know. This book is a great step for the church to help women break free from men taking advantage of them.

I pray the church will continue to fight for women and fight to help those who are in need. Please pastor read this book!
Profile Image for Bob O'Bannon.
249 reviews31 followers
December 4, 2022
This is an important book for all pastors and ministry leaders to read. It brings great insight into the sad experience of a victim of domestic abuse, and gets into the deceived head of the abuser as well. It’s not naïve, but realistic about expectations, and at the same time presents a robust view of Biblical repentance. There is some repetition, but that’s OK – there is a lot of information to take in. With the multiple appendices at the end, this book is an excellent resource to prepare a church to care well for both the abused and those who abuse.
Profile Image for Vincent Derr.
212 reviews2 followers
February 21, 2024
This is a an exceptional book. It both provides the theological and psychological framework for understand domestic abuse and the practical steps for addressing it. This book is a difficult read simply due to its subject matter. It is written well and not in an academic or stilted way. It's simply difficult for the hear to digest the material quickly. This book will certainly be a guide to me if I ever need to walk someone through an abusive situation. I wish a book like this didn't need to exist, but I appreciate the authors levelheaded and practical approach.
Profile Image for Brooke Ledbetter.
32 reviews2 followers
May 29, 2023
A fantastic resource for those who are walking with someone in a destructive/abusive relationship and a much needed and accessible resource for the church in how to enter these spaces. A must read for anyone entering that volatile and tender space.
Author 3 books14 followers
October 15, 2023
This is a great practical resource on abuse. I often wonder how you even sift through this mess as a community, and this book made that very clear. It emphasized complexity while also providing a very clear pathway.
44 reviews1 follower
January 10, 2022
Should be in every church library and in every pastors office.
Profile Image for Dan.
70 reviews1 follower
August 5, 2022
Excellent resource! I would recommend this for every church leader. A lot of good resources have been produced lately, but this is my new go to for other pastors and elders.
Profile Image for Jonathan.
250 reviews11 followers
October 12, 2022
Sobering, practical guide. Theologically grounded in Reformed thinking although augments with secular sources more freely than my liking.
Profile Image for Katey Magill.
95 reviews1 follower
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March 20, 2023
Read for counseling. First book ever read on this topic. I feel like I have a lot of mulling to do to know how I feel about it
Profile Image for Aurlyn.
28 reviews
August 27, 2023
I found this book extremely helpful and highly recommend it. This book will help you love well and walk faithfully with friends, family and community walking through abusive home environments.
Profile Image for Amelia Finley.
3 reviews
August 7, 2024
After escaping an abusive relationship through the aide of my local church, found this to be an excellent resource upon reflection. While every situation is different, the chapters provide both universal principles, as well as helpful nuances.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews

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