Receiving Love: Transform Your Relationship by Letting Yourself Be Loved

by Harville Hendrix

This groundbreaking book from the best-selling authors of Getting the Love You Want and coauthors of Giving the Love that Heals is the first to address the biggest unexplored issue facing couples today: Most of us are better at giving love than accepting it. We don't realize all the ways that our resistance to appreciation, praise, compliments, and accepting help from others hurts us and cripples our relationships.

Many partners learn how to give love, but many more undermine their relationships by for-getting something that is equally important -- learning to receive it. According to the authors, the root of the problem is the self-rejection that began in childhood, when our parents and caretakers unintentionally failed to nurture or directly rejected traits, characteristics, or im-pulses when we were children. We end up rejecting in ourselves whatever our caretakers ignored or rejected in the course of our childhoods. When we become adults, this makes it impossible to let in the love we want and need, even when our partners offer it. As a result, we dismiss compliments, minimize gestures of affection, and create obstacles to true intimacy.

In this book, Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, co-creators of Imago Relation-ship Therapy, offer a definitive guide to breaking the shackles of self-rejection and embracing the love our partners offer. Receiving Love is a very personal book for Drs. Hendrix and Hunt, and much of their own journey is the inspiration for it.

Drawing on their renowned expertise, the wide clinical experience of hundreds of Imago therapists, and their own personal experience, the authors are able to offer detailed guidance on how to conquer the problems that come from self-rejection and embrace the gifts that are abundant in every person's life, if only we knew how to accept them. With its groundbreaking theory, challenging processes, and inspiring examples, this book holds the key to loving relationships that last.

Genres: Relationships, Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Love, Marriage, Personal Development

320 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2004

About the author

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., is the author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, a New York Times bestseller that has sold more than two million copies. He has more than thirty years’ experience as an educator and therapist. He specializes in working with couples in private practice, teaching marital therapy to therapists, and conducting couples workshops across the country. Dr. Hendrix is the founder/director of the Imago Institute for Relationship Therapy. He lives in New Jersey and New Mexico.

http://us.macmillan.com/author/harvil...

Reviews

[Ginger Smith · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was kind of disappointed in this book. I felt like it was more of an advertisement for the Imago Relationship Therapy techniques that the authors teach than it was on how to open yourself up to receiving love.

The bulk of the book was about three married couples who had to transform their “separate” beings into “connected” beings in order to build a more solid relationship full of trust, understanding, and open communication.

Many of the concepts were not new to me: Couples working on increasing communication by mirroring, validating, and empathizing; I learned about these techniques a long time ago and have used them in almost all of my relationships. The latter, empathizing, was instrumental in my last relationship, especially because communication was sparse.

What I did learn about receiving love is that it is difficult for some people to receive love or gifts because it reminds them of the things that they gave up as children or young adults because they were chastised or had a bad experience with it at the time. Receiving love or gifts recreates that hurtful experience all over again and it can remind them of what they don’t have. Also, many people feel like they don’t deserve the love or the gift.

Another thing I learned is that the things we criticize our partners the most about are those things that we dislike in ourselves or things that are missing in our lives or that we set aside (probably from a traumatic experience as explained above). For example, I felt that my last partner was overly critical of me and the things I did, but now I’ve realized that I am the same way with others: I am very picky, I have high expectations of a partner and I like things done a certain way.

The one story that was shared in the book that I found most valuable was from a guy who’s relationship did not last. After his relationship ended, he took the 3 things he liked most about his partner, which he felt had been missing from his life, and he brought them back into his life. He started dancing again, opened his art studio back up again, and took an impromptu trip to another country. In essence, he gave himself these “gifts” and he accepted them as such.

The last part of the book talks about the exercises that you can do to better receive love and gifts. They tie in both the separate and connected selfs.

I started this book while I was still in a relationship…sort of. I kept reading it even though I was no longer in a relationship. Although I have no relationship to apply it to at this time, I can use it to reevaluate my past relationship and use it as a tool for maintaining a successful next relationship – whether that is with another partner or with myself.

[Giedra · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very hokily written, and exceedingly repetitive, but had some good concepts to think about. Much preferred another book I read at the same time that, in fact, referenced the concepts in this one, but in a much more accessible way (Lies at the Altar by Robin Smith).

[Kimberly · Rating 2 out of 5]

A trite rehash of his previous bestseller, Hendrix seems to be grasping at thin air for enough substance to fill an entire book. The subject is one that warrants further research and one that we definitely need more literature on -but this is not the book to provide it.

[Anjie · Rating 3 out of 5]

My Imago has been trying to dialogue with my family through mirroring, validating and empathizing but my Child is preparing for a tantrum and my Parent is about to let loose. All this hurting and projecting needs a lot of healing. Where did my adult go?

[Erica Sonzogni · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really great book on getting to know yourself better in order to enhance your relationships. The exercises at the end were also practical and informative. In the afterward, the authors imagined what the world would be like if all of our relationships were stronger; how there would not only be a lower divorce rate, but a lower suicide rate, less children with behavior problems, less youths in prison, less money needed towards programs involving drug and alcohol abuse, etc. Working on yourself first can transform so many things around you.

[Marianne · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars?

A lot of interesting and challenging material, much of which I had already absorbed through other means. Sometimes rigid and very very focused on one particular relationship model. Worth the read though for sure.

[Michele · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I appreciate the detailed descriptions of how we internalize the hurts from our childhood and poor parenting, this book doesn't allow for the possibility that the people in the examples are manipulators (including sociopaths or psychopaths). In the book, the fault supposedly lies with the person who can't receive love, who is never happy with what the other person gives them. Yet several of the individuals display alarming behaviors that are strongly associated with people who have disordered minds, people who give only with themselves in mind. If the husband gives his wife something and she says it isn't to her taste, yet he continues to give her things that *he* thinks should please her, then he is not listening to her. In my reading, he is not actually trying to please her; he has other motivations for giving the gift. Then when he gets defensive and hurt because she isn't pleased, he can say that she's never happy. Moreover, while his behavior *may* stem from his upbringing, it also may be a biological or chemical problem; yet the authors lay the blame on the one who supposedly can't be happy with whatever the husband decides to give her, instead of the one who may well be too self-absorbed to care what his spouse wants or thinks. Must all the blame be on the one who supposedly can't receive? Is there no culpability for the one who repeatedly gives inappropriately?

[Mishna Wolff · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yes, I do read these once in a while. And I particularly liked this book: both as a very insightful self help book and an interesting look into some interesting relationships. Nothing like reading about other peoples problems to make yours seem benign. I recommend this book to anyone who is in, or plans on having a relationship.

[Elisa Kay]

Some interesting concepts in this book. Are you a maximiser or a minimiser? What things from your childhood affect your relationships now? I think my boyfriend will kill me though if I mirrored what he said, empathise and sympathise. Definately lending it to a friend of mine, who needs self love just like I do.

[Kate Arms · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ugh.

Like all of Hendrix's books, there are a few good points in here, but surrounded by unhelpful anecdotes and exercises and a sense of smugness, and he misses some fundamental points about how to help smart people. Hendrix is a therapist and his "do as I say and I will fix you" attitude is unbearable.

[Sue · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm listening to the audio version. These authors really hit the nail on the head on how we can look at our relationships and open up ourselves to receiving love. This is one of those books I will listen to more than once.

[Almer Stoffer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Deze zou iedereen moeten lezen

[Tracy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book, great for couples, individuals, and anyone interested in maintaining and having a positive relationship.

[Cathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Browsed rather than read but liked what I browsed

[Cindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Receiving love is an amazing book. Really makes you look at yourself and within yourself and realize you are worth the love you are given.

[Mark Goodman · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some interesting ideas but nothing very new or inspiring. Much of this was already said in Getting the Love You Need, their older book. Disappointing.

[Bookworm LLC · Rating 5 out of 5]

Receiving love is an amazing book. Really makes you look at yourself and within yourself and realize you are worth the love you are given.

[Kim]

Very helpful - especially for couples and even parents - it helps to avoid reacting to roles in past relationship today.

[Michael Sasson · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars


82 Well-articular narrative of connection of inner state and social conditions(over-stated but well-put): When we are alienated from our basic natures, cut off from sources of inner strength, and ashamed of our normal desires and needs, we spread our unhappiness around to others. Our personal relationships are tainted by our own self-hatred, and our social attitudes are formed by it. Our private wounds produce ripples of dis-ease all around us.
85 Failing at school was a way of making the external reality conform to how he felt inside. And, refusing to do his homework is analogous to refusing to eat; it's one of the few arenas of life a child can control.
202. We couldn't say it better ourselves: use your current relationship to uncover your own self-rejection. Love those places in your partner and in yourself that have been demonized, and when you are whole, you will be able to give and receive the love you've always wanted.

---
5, 32-3, 53-9. Imago 101
6-7 receiving blocks
10-11 separate & connected knowers
17 better receiving needed
23 criticism --> inward or outward (me/KC)
28 yes... but
29. anti-neediness
30 rejecting until partner stops giving
35. ???? "What does your rx need in order for you to feel more safe?"
37. self-rejection rx to problems receiving love (see Ralph de la Rosa on what self-love is good for)
55. Imago's version of polarity
59-60. intrusion or neglect --> defenses
62-3, 69. romantic projection
72. self-rejection inevitable
73. understanding > judgment
74-81, 100, 142. splitting
95. kindness to other experienced as self-betrayal (projection)
78, 80, 81, 90, 95. relevant to 90-Day dating experiment critique
101-2, 281. splitting as social phenomena
104, 106, 107, 109, 111. not accept/feel care or love. Why? (see 107 to assess KC/me)
139. purpose of committed rx (compare to Resma)
141. anger & parenting
147-158. healing as loving your shadow as projected onto your partner
162. primary psychological tasks resting on human biology
163-174, 211 Imago dialog (including as diagnostic tool)
178-81 heal splitting "with a willing partner."
188. never judge (???)
194, 198-202 What works? p284 compare to RLT
259-277. shadow work/overcoming the split

[Suzanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you want to but this book because of the title, don't.

The book was published in 2004.

I want to say three things:

1. IMAGO THERAPY is not new on the market.
The book is about their IMAGO THERAPY which consists of 1) Mirroring what other person said 2) Validating 3) Express empathy.
Imago Therapy is not new in the self-help "world".
Five years ago, when I started reading self-help books, I read twice M. David D. Burn's Book "Feeling Good Together" written 1991, and he uses even more in-depth 5-Secrets for Effective communication separated in two parts. Listening Skills 1) Disarming Technique: you find some truth if what the person is saying; 2) Empathy: you paraphrase what other person is saying and you acknowledge how other person is feeling; 3) Inquiry: you ask how he /she are thinking and feeling Self Expression Skills: 4) "I Feel" Statement, where you express how you feel about what the other person said / did; 5) Stroking: You find something positive from the situation.

2. If you want to read the book, go directly to Chapter 7 "Learning to Receive", in which you will find the most interesting information to read

3. Versus today Positive Attraction self-help, the authors treat this all issues you may have in partnership as childhood and early adulthood and from your parents. They think in order to work on yourself, you need to be in a relationship "We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship". Ok, so what if the issues do not come from your childhood, whet happens?

For your information, you have plenty of online free research results in Imago Therapy online, so no need to buy this outdated book.

Another advice the author states at the end of the book: "the more effective way partner can facilitate healing for each other is to become more like the other, especially, more like the part that they dislike in their partner."
But, really.

[Elise Best · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some of Hendrix's consepts for relationships (and singles, too) are good: his "Imago dialog" which is just his patented phrase for "communication." Talk to your partener about your feelings, listen to your parter... basic stuff.

The rest seems overly complicated and contrived around his theories. It's all based on a set of assumptions rather than facts, and he twists his clinical observations to fit his schema.

I wish I had not wasted my time with it. If you need good relationship advice, read something by James Bauer : His Secret Obsession

[Holly · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book, but kind of felt like I had a hard time following along (on Audible). Loved the stories of the 3 couples to really illustrate what the authors were discussing, but Imago was a new concept for me. Really liked how they discussed having a conscious relationship. Also, interesting to learn about projection and how things in our past have made us hyper-sensitive or hyper-critical of specific character traits. Interesting read. May have to read it again to process a little more. *first book read by this author.

[Scout Collins]

important pages
-53
-54
-59
-63
-64

[Thankful Reader · Rating 2 out of 5]

Our projections onto others are our key to healing.

[skyline_books · Rating 3 out of 5]

good exercises at the end of the book for getting to know yourself better.

examples of imago dialogues

wissen auf sachebene vs. wissen auf beziehungsebene
(immer noch nicht klar)

[Salma · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting reflection on the imprinting that everyone receives in childhood and how that affects adult relationships.

[Serlina Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful piece of literature.
I've read this book over and over and I believe that it is a very good book to read.
I would recommend, its a very good read.

[Max Smirnoff · Rating 5 out of 5]

I ll make it simple for you. You don't read this book - you wont have a good relationship neither with yourself nor your partner. Period.

[Sophia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Full of good information, but is old fashion at this point in time. It can still be applied to a lot of aspects of one’s life and relationships.

[Fed · Rating 2 out of 5]

Only the part of why and how we refuse to receive was helpful for me.
All the other parts of trying to sell their method was boring.