Adrift: Fieldnotes from Almost-Motherhood

by Miranda Ward

'The world is not neatly divided into two camps of women, those who wanted to reproduce and did, and those who didn't want to, and didn't. So many of us are caught here, in between, neither one thing nor the other, drifting towards a receding horizon, in our own camp . . .'When Miranda Ward and her husband decided to have a baby, they were optimistic. There was no reason not to they were both young, they were both healthy. But five years, three miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy later, Ward finds herself still dealing with the ongoing aftermath of that the waiting, the doubting, the despairing, the hoping.ADRIFT is a memoir about the unique place of almost-motherhood. Some people pass through it without even noticing; others languish there, held safe, held prisoner, by the walls of not-knowing - for as long as there is still a question mark, an open ending, there is a chance of escape.Inspired by her childhood on the California coast, Ward turns to the water, seeking solace in a landscape of a different kind - the swimming pool. Hoping to make sense of the uncertainty, she begins to ask questions of geography on the most intimate scale. How do we learn to feel at home in our own bodies, even when they disobey? How can we find our way, even when we feel adrift? What language do we have for the spaces in between? Charting a journey through territory at once deeply personal and widely shared, Ward offers a searing, lyrical and radically honest narrative of fertility and motherhood that is less often told.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir

251 pages, Kindle Edition

Published January 21, 2021

Reviews

[Kelsey Ploeger · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me feel seen in just the right light, in my current state of sadness and invisibility. Ward writes about recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility with honesty and clarity, fueled by lovely prose and metaphor. Although this book is extremely helpful for those in the purgatory of "almost motherhood," I believe her words are essential for friends and family who are trying to understand someone in a similar season.

[Diane Siegal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Inhabiting the tension between control and entropy, Miranda Ward writes frankly, feelingly, and even humorously about pregnancy and loss in “adrift.” Bundling diverse wires into one circuit-breaker-of-self, she explores the relationship between infertility, swimming, work, love, and equanimity in a child-bearing world. Boldly confessional, Ward’s journey takes the reader through the energetic and hopeful phase of young family life and into the gritty years of toil through her PhD, incomplete pregnancies, laps in the pool, and a few beers when there are no pink lines preventing her. Sometimes she reveals pettiness, other times magnanimity and deep wisdom, often with wry humor. I could not put it down. The sleekness of her prose tells a story for all who have bled, flailed, and re-surfaced, one hard stroke at a time.

[Nicole Gulotta · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a beautiful exploration of infertility, pregnancy loss, and the ambiguity that comes with it. As a geographer, Miranda has always been interested in places, and in this case, sets out to make a map of a more intimate and sometimes treacherous landscape: her own body. There's so much here to resonate with, especially if you've ever lost something, questioned something, or wondered how it all would end.

[Jessica Willis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautiful, sad, important book on miscarriage and infertility. Describes in weighty tones this grey area of not-quite-pregnancy that you tend not to think about at all until you’re actually in it. Weaves in the author’s interest in/obsession with pools, and the solace they can bring. A little too academic to completely engross me, perhaps, but very moving nonetheless.

[Sophie Ratcliffe · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a necessary and beautiful book about how to live with and in uncertainty - (it's also a groundbreaking work of nature-writing, thinking about the nature and fluidity of the female body, and about swimming). It's utterly original, extremely moving - one of those rare books that needed to exist. Urgent, graceful, intelligent, it also has a real story, wit, comedy and candour (I guess it also complicates what it means to 'have a story' or a plot to your life). A book which will help many people.

[Helen Tuck · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful, honest and haunting account of the experience of infertility. A book like this will foster empathy in people lucky enough never to have experienced it, and provide comfort and acknowledgement for those who have.

[Meg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely beautiful and honest story. I love the real and the symbolic in the book. A must read for all those who want to mother.

[Jacky Chan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I came because I thought it's going to be a work of autotheory about swimming, cultural geography, and women's bodies as sites of wilderness. I stayed for the stylish and scrumptious writing. And I left being so very moved by the negative capability of it all, Ward's willingness to dwell in and end on uncertainty and muddle, to think through and partially exorcise her ghosts, to write with as much rawness and tenderness as the feeling one has when taking the first plunge into the pool.

[Khy Lovegood · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very important read for anyone who wants to consider pregnancy because Ward has covered the in-between so well; the hopefulness, grief, the everyday battle of managing expectations. I am very glad to have read this book even though I am nowhere near trying for a baby yet.