Wayward: A Memoir of Spiritual Warfare and Sexual Purity

by Alice Greczyn

When Alice Greczyn’s parents felt called by God to exchange worldly employment for heavenly provision, they followed their faith into homelessness with five children and a cat in tow. Homeschooled and avowed never to kiss a man until her wedding day, Alice had plans to escape the instability by becoming a missionary nurse—plans that were put on hold with the opening of an unexpected door: the opportunity to be an actress in Hollywood. What followed was a test of faith unlike any she had prepared for, an arranged betrothal she never saw coming, and a psychological shattering that forced her to learn how to survive without the only framework for life she had ever known.

This unique coming-of-age story takes place within a Christian subculture that teaches children to be martyrs and women to be silent. Revelatory, vulnerable, and offering catharsis for your own journey through faith and doubt, Wayward is a deeply intelligent memoir of soul-searching—and finding the courage to live in your own truth.

Genres: Memoir, Religion, Nonfiction, Cults, Biography, Feminism, Spirituality

393 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 2, 2021

Reviews

[Ross Blocher · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wayward: A Memoir of Spiritual Warfare and Sexual Purity is a compelling, powerful, and highly personal account of Alice Greczyn's upbringing in fundamentalist Christianity. At God's urging, her parents gave up their home in Illinois and took the family on the road, homeschooling the children as they crisscrossed the country, relying on the kindness of church members for support. Surrounded by Pentecostals, Alice learned to speak in tongues when needed, and to be willing to die for Christ, as well as to organize her life around her future husband: saving not just sex and her first kiss, but also imagining every single interaction with men through the eyes of her intended.

Though her faith and desire to please God were real, Greczyn couldn’t help but feel discomfort when those in the church behaved abusively, or God did not hold up his end of various bargains. Some of the stories Greczyn tells are jaw-dropping, either for the lack of responsibility shown by the adults around her, or for the constant ways that others exerted control over her sexuality. There were so many themes and specific memories that rang true to my own experience in the church, but dialed to 11. She also details the factors that led her faith to mature, then falter, and eventually erode. Throughout, Greczyn offers great insight into the mindset of the believers around her, as well as the gift of her own experience, backed by careful journal keeping and research.

Highly recommended for anyone interested in faith, Charismatic Christianity, or memoirs in general. I had the good fortune of speaking with Alice at my book club and for my podcast. I'll come back to share the link to that discussion when it's available.

[Devon Graye · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow!! Where to begin? As someone who grew up in a similar world to the author, I found this book — first and foremost — to be immensely healing. So many of these stories could’ve been lifted from my own experience and they are captured here with such specificity and thoughtfulness. I felt very seen and heard and un-alone — but also very entertained. There is wonderful humor throughout and a cast of vivid, compelling characters who are, again, painted with brilliant precision and depth. This is a book I will be returning to numerous times and I’m excited to see what the author does next! For anyone who grew up in a heavily religious household, this is a must read! But it will also appeal to those who didn’t as the account here is fascinating and takes you on a wild, unorthodox coming-of-age story.

[Charlotte · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unputdownable read

I loved this honest and raw memoir. I'm an atheist who is fascinated by what makes people believe in supernatural beings.

Alice tells her story in a compelling way that I just couldn't stop reading. She is honest and open about her transformation from fundamental Christianity to atheism. Although heartbreaking at times, her story is also life-affirming. And despite the trauma she suffered, she is still respectful of others who hold on to religious faith.

Highly recommend!

[April Lundquist · Rating 1 out of 5]

In light of recent events, I cannot in good conscience keep my (still very poor) 2 star review. The author has shown to be homophobic, ableist, fat phobic and racist. When she was corrected for this, she doubled down on her opinion, claiming, as most whities tend to do, that she's OPPRESSED AND DISCRIMINATED AGAINST.

Link here: https://www.alicegreczyn.com/blog/the...

What I find so disgusting about so many white ex-evangelicals is the blatant hypocrisy in their actions. They love to deconstruct everything about christianity that effects THEM, all while ignoring historical trauma and their own perpetuation of power and privilege within patriarchal and racist systems. And then they claim that everyone is just jealous of her IMMACULATE BEAUTY. Give me a fucking break. Yet when others correct them for their hypocrisy and colonized mindset, they suddenly resort back to where they always wanted to be - exclusionary white feminist circles.

Also this book is so boring it will bring you to tears. Grecyzyn rambles on as if she's been paid per word, and she adds nothing of substance to the conversation of deconstruction. Obviously she just likes to hear herself talk. Seriously. To quote my friend - not everyone should write a memoir. Anyway, it makes great kindling.

[stace · Rating 5 out of 5]

Never have I felt so moved, so seen and so invested in a story. Alice writes her truth in such a stunning, fierce, tender way. This is a heartbreaking and powerful read. I loved every single sentence and did not want it to end. She articulated both what growing up in christianity feels like and how untangling from the toxicity is both liberating and terrifying. As a woman who has been silenced and shamed- this book felt like a giant permission slip to use my voice and reclaim my body. Thank you Alice - for writing your story and sharing it with us. Your words made me feel seen, heard, validated, empowered and affirmed. Grateful for you.

STILL TRUE

[Hope Cutchins · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really honest and vulnerable memoir. I think a lot of people who have questions about the religious/moral/ideological systems they were raised in will feel seen and understood in these pages. We don't come to all of the same conclusions, but Alice put words to some of my own qualms about different experiences. Really glad I read it.

[Liv Hoye · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible memoir on religious trauma. This book made me feel seen and validated in ways I didn’t know were possible <3 wish I could give it a million stars

[Tiff Perez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wayward is a raw story of the ramifications of indoctrination; purity culture resulting in shaming and the inspiring view of Alice's journey with following "god" and the result of freedom in critical thinking. It's heart wrenching and eye opening. Grateful that Alice where the story and while some chapters are hard to read, her story is one that shows that questioning why you believe what you believe is very much okay. Would recommend all to read, especially those who consider themselves Christians and those who are asking questions of their faith.

[Martha Perez-Sanz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an incredible memoir. I randomly heard about this book from a friend whose brother knows the author, and I’m so glad I ordered it on a whim. As someone who did not grow up with religion, I was completely fascinated by this author’s story and moved by how much courage it probably took to write. Some chapters left me just staring at the wall in shock. There are plenty of memoirs out there about this topic and I have read several- but this is absolutely my favorite so far.

[Carla · Rating 5 out of 5]

Alice Greczyn does an excellent job of really explaining and sharing her truth about suffering from RTS (Religious Trauma Syndrome) as a child/teenager. Engaging, thought provoking, honest and helpful in ways I had no idea I would need. Highly Recommend, especially for those who have experienced spiritual trauma in the past.

[Gina Green · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn't put this book down. Every word was what I was taught in church about "purity" and the lesser role of women in the world. Looking back, it was incredibly damaging and complete nonsense.

[Kristine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reviewing a memoir invariably feels like reviewing someone’s life. While Alice Greczyn’s overall life arc — from incredibly Christian conservative upbringing where her parents at times followed God’s instructions to be nomadic and camp all over the US to LA actor and free spirit — can be interesting, the first more than half of the book feels like an endless stream of church youth group meetings and mission trips. While I know she is establishing the environment in which she grew up, it’s fairly repetitive and boring (are anyone’s junior high memories all that interesting?). Once Alice moves to LA and starts to doubt her understanding of the world, the narrative becomes far more interesting and, at times, difficult as she struggles with what her life will look like when it no longer revolves around Christianity. That being said, it’s a great title and I love the cover art.

[Richard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Alice Greczyn's Wayward is the most moving memoir/coming of rage autobiography I have ever read. It is heartbreaking and heart warming, a thorough condemnation of Christianity and all of the misogyny surrounding and inherent from the Big Bang of sexism, exploding from the bible.
Greczyn's amazing story continues at her webpage, Daretodoubt.com
Side Note: Alice signed our copy of her book, made out to my wife and me, after she delivered an excellent speech at a Freedom From Religion Foundation convention.

[Surekha Devi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so relatable; I had such a hard time putting it down. I really enjoyed her conversational writing style, and I can't wait to read her next book. I would strongly recommend this book to other millennials who were raised in strict evangelical homes and have left those beliefs behind (or are currently in the process of questioning.)

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Personally cathartic

I devoured this book. Born in the same year as the author, I found myself over and over resonating with her recollections of growing up evangelical, and coming to terms with religious trauma syndrome as an adult. So helpful and validating, and to me, very hopeful.

[Evelyn]

Well, this book hit close to home! In her memoir, Alice Greczyn beautifully tells her story of her strange upbringing - living a nomadic homeless lifestyle in the world of evangelical Christianity. Her experience of worrying that something was wrong with her because she couldn't "feel" the Holy Spirit the way others seemed to, really struck a chord with me. The damage done to her by the doctrine of sexual purity will also be very familiar to those who grew up with the same values taught to them. The story of her detachment and deconstruction as an adult was incredibly healing though, and I shed a few tears in some of the later chapters as she describes the insane difficulty of rebuilding your worldview from the ground up.

Definitely worth reading, especially to those with religious trauma to unpack.

[Eric Syrjala · Rating 5 out of 5]

Starts slow. Ramps up. Concludes beautifully. While other memoirs may have more of a shock factor, the way Alice’s story is surrounded by relative normalcy and what I imagine is a shared experience for many many people made this book all the more impactful, surprising, and revealing. How she discusses the decade long challenge to rediscover herself is eloquent and her ability to communicate this reflection on paper so well impressed me.

[Kaitlan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful.

I highly recommend this memoir for anyone who has deconstructed from religion, is currently experiencing doubts about their faith, or is struggling with religious trauma. Thank you, Alice Greczyn, for sharing your truth with the world and for helping me feel a little less alone on my journey of deconstruction🖤

[Kate Perry Oflaz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t know how much I needed to read this.

[Lena · Rating 5 out of 5]

Alice Greczyn is living proof of fluidity, that people are verbs and not nouns. From miserable homeless child, to puritanical teen fundie, to mentally unstable Hollywood starlet, to libertarian Playboy Bunny (groan) who founded a nonprofit for people escaping religion (yay!), she's fascinatingly complex and controversial at every turn. Her life trajectory demonstrates that individuals are constantly in flux and are not forever bound to one way of being. At the same time (and sometimes seemingly paradoxically), we are inseparable from our contexts: our neurological constitutions, our geographical and historical roots, how we are treated by our caregivers in childhood, and the first belief systems we're exposed to are all inextricably linked to our interactions with material reality. No woman is an island. I'm not sure exactly how to "review" this memoir of religious trauma, as it is so deeply personal, so I think I will list some quotes from the pages I've dogeared and discuss what those passages bring to mind for me. More of a blog post than a review.

If I went against God, I risked the eternity of hell. Disobeying God had never been a realistic option for me, no matter what Christians wanted to believe about free will. We all knew God's love wasn't unconditional if hell existed. Jesus was very clear that it did.

I grew up going to Baptist churches (my parents were nondenominational, but because of how rural my hometown was, it was either that or Pentecostal church. I only saw people speaking in tongues once, when I visited my cousin's church, and my mom forbade me from going again. I think she said that Pentecostals were possessed by demons masquerading as the Holy Spirit, and that speaking in tongues is pagan behavior. But this parenthetical is irrelevant because it's all bullshit anyway). Fire and brimstone sermons were pretty common, but I never felt super afraid of my screaming red-faced preachers because there was always the reassurance that so long as you were "saved," you could sin all you wanted and you'd still get into heaven. Proselytizing to others was easy because you didn't have to convince anyone to radically alter the way they lived or to adhere to a strict moral code-- that was all Old Testament stuff and Jesus had cleaned the slate for us when he became a zombie. So my spiritual journey was nowhere near as arduous as Greczyn's was; I didn't live in constant fear that my inevitable sins were condemning me to hell, because I was told God wouldn't punish me so long as I loved him. I really didn't have to obey. What caused me to become an atheist was reading the Bible in its entirety around age ten or so, and realizing that if everything it said was true, then it was evil. The Bible is mostly a record of who begat whom punctuated by the ramblings of various charismatic schizophrenics, but what moral decrees ARE present are mostly pretty fucked-up, contradictory, impossible to abide by, and exist as a form of social control for societies that haven't existed for thousands of years. Did I want to worship a being that would create us only to force us to say we love him, or else we have to burn forever? If he's all-powerful then he's the one who made hell in the first place. What a twisted weirdo. And the Bible with all its horrors aside (my pastors did say that a lot of it was metaphorical and up for interpretation), did I want to go to a Baptist version of heaven inhabited by sinners who didn't even TRY not to rape and murder and abuse people, but who just so happened to believe the right thing? Nope. Gross. I can't imagine reading the Bible as a child and experiencing all of that disgust, and then having to go on for many more years believing it all the way Greczyn was indoctrinated to do. :(

How many other children were out there pretending to feel God's love? How many of them were faking manifestations of the Holy Spirit because they could no longer endure being told there was a sin in their life that left them unworthy of truly experiencing God? How many others were feeling left out? Alone? Ignored? Abandoned? If God loved me, why had He never touched me? Why wasn't I worth it? How could I still, after all this time, believe in a God who had never believed in me?

I'd be willing to wager that the answer to her first question here is "almost all of them." When I visited the aforementioned Pentecostal church, I remember feeling confusion and fear at seeing my aunt collapse on the ground speaking gibberish. The other thing I felt was pressure to conform. Some other churchgoer was asking me, an eight-year-old, if I felt the Holy Spirit in the room, and encouraged me to let it flow through me. I realized I was also expected to flail around speaking gibberish. I was a shy child, so I clammed up and went to sit on a pew until the collective insanity had passed. I didn't feel as though I had failed at passing any sort of test, though, because I'd already been primed to fear this behavior as pagan and potentially dangerous. I can't imagine the pressure of attending such an event over and over again as a kid, and without the rhetorical inoculation I'd received ahead of time. It makes me queasy.

Another thing this quote brings to mind: my Baptist churches advocated "believer's baptism" only-- children are *not* to be baptized until they are able to discern right from wrong and can actively choose to accept Jesus as one's personal savior. I was told that God wouldn't send babies and very small children to hell, which reassured me, but that once I was old enough to be "saved," then I should agree to be baptized in front of the other members of the church in order to officially profess my belief. As I got older, the pressure to engage in this ritual intensified, and I began to feel avoidant of church entirely just so I wouldn't be asked when I was going to do it. I have always been an anxious person and the notion of being dunked in a grody little pool for everyone's entertainment was petrifying to me. And I knew that if I did go through with it, it wouldn't be because God had called me to do so (God never called me to do anything-- he was an imaginary friend I had one-sided conversations with) but because other people were always nagging me to do it.

Only once I left Christianity did I fully see how unkind it had made me.

I wish religious people understood how insufferable and cruel they sound when they say things like, "God works in mysterious ways" and "It's all part of God's plan" in the face of human suffering. I mean, to be fair to them, it is an accurate reflection of a doctrine which claims that God built an infinite torture chamber to throw us in if we're naughty. But they shouldn't kid themselves that these sayings are coming from a place of love and kindness. They are cop-outs, they are intellectual crutches to lean on because these people are too weak and dishonest to face the fact that the universe is a yawning chasm of suffering and entropy and all we have is each other. They'd rather blame the victim than try to help. It's a whole lot easier to be sanctimonious and hand-wavy. A furious diary entry I wrote after the Uvalde shooting reads, "I wonder if these freaks ever know, deep down inside, that there is no invisible guy in the sky, that heaven isn’t real, and that the children who they sacrificed for their right to pretend they’re in a video game died for nothing and are not cute baby angels floating around among the clouds but are really really actually dead forever and nothing can ever bring them back." It is CRUEL to insist that things like this happen because God loves us or something.

Faith was dangerous because when people were convinced of things invisible, there was no limit to what they might justify in the name of their unprovable conviction. I knew most people were kind, helpful, and good-intentioned. So were the conmen of my childhood. Wolves were not disguised as sheep, but as shepherds.

One of the things that is most maddening about being an atheist in this current political climate is that it feels like I am constantly being told that I can't get my wisdom teeth removed because Santa Claus wouldn't approve.

How my parents, siblings, and I went to the same churches and came away with completely different experiences is just one more testament to the diversity of neurological makeup. It is also indicative of the difference between being born into a belief system, where your brain develops in that framework, and choosing it as a fully developed adult like my parents had, better equipped to discard any aspects that don't ring true. When I was a child, everything rang true to me. Why would people be saying things they didn't mean?

In retrospect, I am infinitely grateful that religion was not a bigger part of my upbringing, because I suspect that I have the same propensity for scrupulosity that Greczyn exhibits in her recollections. The constant amorphous guilt like a fine mist floating around my head. The overly moralistic thought patterns I have, even when I recognize that they are rigid and ungenerous. The notion I have that I can somehow be purified through suffering and self-abnegation even though I know intellectually that it is false and a distinctly religious way of thinking. And for someone who eschews religion as much as I do, the concept that I may be afflicted with the same thought distortions as religious people is so ironic. Because that actually becomes another thing to feel guilty about! It is circular! My life could have been so much worse if I had gone to that Pentecostal church instead.

Ultimately, I think this memoir is wonderful and compelling and I hope it helps some people break free of their destructive belief systems. Religions are cults and I hate them all vehemently because of what they do to people. This memoir is a vivid reminder of why I feel this way.

[Janelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such a validating story for me to read because it is most similar to my own lived experiences and deconstruction journey. I couldn’t recommend this book more to anyone that lived through purity culture and pressured to be slain by the spirit.

[Brenda Tucci · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, just wow.
I’ve read a lot of memoirs from others who’ve deconstructed from evangelical Christianity, but have never encountered anyone who can approach their story with more grace and strength than Alice Greczyn.
This book helped me understand myself in many ways for the first time, and made my adolescent self feel seen in ways that were healing to the soul.
Yes, there were parts of Alice’s story that cut me open, made me so angry that I screamed at its pages, and so sad that I could not see the print I was crying so hard.
But oh…. The freedom that she finds at the end is honestly the most empowering story I’ve read in a very long time.
This book is for anyone who needs to make peace with their deconstruction… who needs to find grace for those who have failed them… and wants direction on where to go, now that you’ve gutted so much crud out of your soul.

I’m genuinely excited for anyone who hasn’t read this book yet!

[Jennifer Eckert · Rating 5 out of 5]

A thoroughly engrossing and well written memoir in vein on Educated.

[Faye Kirkham · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has truly touched me and unravelled so many of the unexplained nigglings of my soul in the process of my own deconstruction. Challenging, freeing and honest; it revels and questions, is beautiful, muddy and hopeful.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely incredible. I spent an entire day reading it cover to cover. So many similarities to my own experience but told in a way that didn't feel triggering. Left me with the warmth of familiarity and pride in myself that I too found my own path to safety.

[Dee Dee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn't put this book down. If you have been raised (or are still in) the Evangelical faith reading this is so important.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Couldn't put this down.

[Jenna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was probably the most triggered I’ve been while reading a book, dealing with a lot of hurt and pain I formerly thought was worked through. At times, I found myself thinking I was reading my own words, my own thoughts, and shedding a tear thinking that there are so many out there like me that my own religious trauma is not unique, when it should be. Technically, I found some of the time jumps to be confusing, and the end to drag slightly. More importantly, I’ve read Alice Grecyzn’s blog post in response to some criticism (that I myself raise an eyebrow at), and I found myself feeling a bit yucky at the thought that the woman who I connected to could react in such a bizarrely self righteous way. But maybe there’s some deconstruction left to do, and I sincerely hope Alice continues that journey just like we all must.

[Aimee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I tend to give memoirs 5 stars in general, this is no exception. I related to much of the feelings in this book even if I wasn’t raised in the same denomination. The purity culture and many of the ideas were similar to what I heard.

[Molly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent memoir. The author was a guest on the podcast "A Little Bit Culty", and as soon as I started listening, I knew I had to stop and read the book first. Very highly recommended story of waking up from the fictions and control systems of organized religion. (Now I have to go back and listen to the episode...)