GO: A Memoir about Binge-drinking, Self-hatred, and Finding Happiness

by Jessica Bell

*** From the singer of the well-known dream-pop group, Keep Shelly in Athens. ***

All it took was one secret drink at fifteen for Jessica Bell to binge-drink herself into oblivion for the next ten years.

In 1980s Australia, Erika Bach and Demetri Vlass, who founded Ape the Cry and Hard Candy, two of Melbourne’s iconic indie bands, encouraged Jessica with unreserved love to pick up the guitar and write her own songs. But Erika’s back problem became a nightmare of pill-popping, alcohol abuse, and anxiety attacks, and Demetri retreated into silence for fear of triggering Erika’s drug-induced psychosis.

To escape the madness at home, and the torment of hating herself, Jessica experimented with bisexuality in a high school rife with bullies, lost her virginity to rape, and tried to supplement absent love with unprotected one-night stands. All under the influence of alcohol.

Until one day alcohol nearly drove Jessica off a cliff.

Jessica had to look at herself honestly and frankly. Why did she keep running from reality, and more importantly, herself? And was finding happiness from within, possible?


Previously published as ‘Dear Reflection: I Never Meant to be a Rebel’.

Genres: Nonfiction, Biography, Memoir

112 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 23, 2021

About the author

Jessica Bell is a multi-award-winning author/poet and singer-songwriter who was born in Melbourne, Australia.

In addition to having published a memoir, five novels, three poetry collections, and her bestselling Writing in a Nutshell series, she has been featured in a variety of publications and radio shows such as Writer’s Digest, Publisher’s Weekly, The Guardian, Life Matters, and Poetica.

She is also the Publisher of Vine Leaves Press, and a highly sought-after book cover designer. She currently resides in Athens, Greece, with her partner and son, and a pile of dishes that still don’t know how to wash themselves despite her consistently teaching by example.

For more information visit: iamjessicabell.com

Reviews

[Evelina | AvalinahsBooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Emotional review coming up. Get your napkins ready!

When I requested this title, I was excited, because hey - a rock’n’roll teens memoir? Written by someone whose parents were actually musicians, bohemians? Man, that sounds good. Who wouldn't want to read that?



Then when I let it sit for a bit, I was a little apprehensive. There will be lots of sex and drugs, won't there? I'm not really one to go for that sort of thing. I was always too nerdy and timid for that. To the extent where it still makes me uncomfortable to even read about it.
But then I decided that responsibilities are responsibilities, and I have to do what I promised (which is, read it and write a review). And then, there must have been something in the blurb that attracted me, right?


(If you keep getting the same annoying image error as me for no reason, head on to my blog to read this)

And there indeed was.

When I started reading this, I realized it wasn't at all what I expected. Yes, there was sex and there were drugs, and a whole lot of awful life-decisions, but. They were not told through the eyes of an entitled posh rock kid. They were told through the voice of a woman - who, although she was a rebel, was every bit as misunderstood, bullied and harassed as I was when I was growing up. Which made reading this book an immensely rewarding and captivating experience - because it's as if I was reading my own life story, but backwards - what if I would have made all those opposite decisions? What if I'd chosen everything backwards from how I did? The author of this memoir had the same exact experiences in terms of emotions, sometimes - even the same exact things happen to her, to the point of it feeling eerie. She always felt like I did, she drew the exact conclusions, reacted emotionally the same. Was exposed to the same trauma. And yet, she chose all those things I didn't choose (to have or not to have sex with absolutely anyone, to take or not to take drugs, to try suicide or not). All those things I thought I was too coward to choose to do. But Jessica Bell, bless her dear heart, made me realize that nothing good would have come of those. And I have nothing to regret losing.
In this book, we get lots of glimpses into Jessica’s childhood, her teens, her youth. She writes well, and not only that - she gives those lovely little windows into the past - videos of her parents’ band, childhood photos, the recordings of her teen band (they're actually awesome and I will probably listen to them!). All of that makes her life so real, so emotional and approachable. That was what made me gobble up the book in an evening and the next morning. It felt like an experience. I pretty much saw her do all those things.

Jessica talks about her poor choices and especially of her self-hatred very openly. It's like she's confiding in us, or, as it is voiced in the book - to her reflection, which is the one who judged and hated her all her life. She indirectly talks a lot about how crippling self-hate and self-shaming is, and how to overcome it. If you have suffered this in your life, I strongly recommend this book. It will help you connect with your own feelings.

It also talks a lot about bullying. How it's a vicious cycle, like an ouroboros that feeds on itself, and once you get into that circle, it will never stop affecting your decisions and actions, until you become your own bully when the other bullies are gone. Ultimately, it's what ended up happening to me after I graduated school (as I was viciously bullied), and I struggle with the wounds up to this day. And probably always will. The way she describes how bullying made her into her own bully is eye-opening. I always knew that was a thing, but through lack of someone to talk to about it, didn't give it more depth. And it's just so liberating to see someone lay these thoughts out on paper, validate them in your head. If you've been bullied too, this will resonate with you.



The book also talks about the very delicate and fragile connection we have with our parents, and the need we experience to be loved. And how we can be made to believe we aren't. Jessica grew up with a mother who suffered chronic pain, and that was an ordeal on its own. Although my mother didn't have these challenges in life, I found Jessica and her mother's relationship so much like mine and my mom's, it has also helped me understand some things, and realize where I should have been thankful to her, and where things were not quite how they seemed.

All in all, this book was a great, touching and very eye-opening experience for me. I don't know if it would be the same for you, because it seems I have so much in common with the author in a deep sense, that it was just extremely relevant for me. But if you've struggled with any of these in your life, you could benefit from this book. I could not recommend it more.

A big thank you to Cameron Publicity&Marketing and Jessica Carmen Bell for giving me the opportunity to read this book prior to publishing. I have received a copy in exchange for my honest review, and I feel like honest it was. From the depths of my heart.

Read Post On My Blog | My Bookstagram | Bookish Twitter

[Helen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm going to start by saying I don't normally read biographies, but the description for this made me want to give it a go. Jessica Bell has lived a rock n' roll lifestyle, her parents were in a gothic rock band in the 80's and early 90's, she grew up around musicians and started bands herself. Well, this sounded far more interesting than the usual celebrity self-absorbed childhood stories!

I found it difficult to get into, picking it up and putting it down a few times before I really got going with it. Jessica's early years are interesting but described with a bit too much introspection for my liking.

It's when Jessica is a teenager in the 90's that I started to really connect with this. I'm a 90's teenager myself so it was a little bit like going back in time, with the bands that she talks about, and the feeling of being an outcast at her high school. I also started to see why the events from her younger self are important, and how they had effected her personality and the way she deals with things.

Jessica is unflinchingly honest as she unpicks the decisions that she made that lead her on a self-destructive path, and also kinda hard on herself too. She has done a lot with her life, as I was reading about her in the 90's I thought we were of the same generation, I guessed Jessica was a few years older than me. Actually, she's a bit younger but far more mature than I was at the same age. I think Jessica as a teenager was probably more mature than I am even now!

By the end of the book, I was 100% sucked in and racing through the pages as Jessica starts to find a way to forgive herself for the things she has done, and accept herself as she is, flaws and all. Jessica Bells's voice is unique and compelling, and her life story (so far) is interesting and well told.

Recommended if you like biographies, you like rock n' roll stories, or you were (or still are) a 90's riot girl.

I received a free copy from the publisher in return for an honest review.

[Magdalena · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the outside, Jessica Bell’s life looks like an extraordinary success.  Editor, teacher, author, and singer/songwriter, Bell has written and published a number of books in different genres including poetry, several novels and writing guides, created her own literary magazine, become a fully-fledged publisher, written a music album, and joined a major band, all in the last decade or so. Success appears to have been  effortless for her. Bell’s memoir Dear Reflection: I Never Meant to be a Rebel shows just how far from effortless that success has been. Bell’s first (and possibly not last) memoir is a well-written, fast paced, and engaging read that chronicles Bell’s extensive struggles with depression, with being the child of two semi-famous gothic musicians, years of coping with her mother’s drug addiction, and the ongoing battle to maintain self-esteem against an inverse of Snow White’s evil queen’s mirror on the wall - the “reflection” of the title.

The book is structured chronologically into five parts, each tied to a particular timeframe that moves between age four and thirty five. It is generally progressive but the mirrored reflection remains in the present tense as an uneasy and often malevolent confidante that takes on the role of a character. It is possible to read the reflection as Bell's alter-ego or the ‘monkey mind’, like an evil twin that must be reckoned with.  This ‘reflection’ is represented by an italicised voice that not only receives the chronicle letters, but which continually attempts to undermine Bell’s successes and sense of well-being.  The reflection isn’t just Bell’s own self-criticism.  It’s also a societal voice that many readers will recognize all too well - the voice of the ‘normative’; the voice of magazine ads and perceptions of ‘should-be’, and it’s clear from the start that the real story here is about the battle between this self-saboteur and the desire to for self-actualisation and happiness. It’s an ongoing battle and one which takes this story from an interesting account to one with universal appeal.

Bell’s settings are well drawn and engage the reader as the story moves from Melbourne's Heidelberg suburbs, the university scene as Bell attends Latrobe university, through Greece’s Ithaca and Athens. The descriptions of Ithaca are particularly evocative:

In the mornings, the rooster’s call would wake up the locals at the first sign of sunrise. Cicadas would sing in the olive groves, and dogs would bark as the bread truck—a beat-up red Ute—would deliver fresh hot loaves to residences by slipping the required amount of bread into cloth bags hanging from wire fencing. When glittering sunlight would make patterns on my bedroom wall, Mum would make me Vegemite toast. I’d eat it on the verandah with Maria, the next door neighbour’s daughter who was one year younger than me, propped up on a whitewashed ledge covered in baby blue and yellow plastic buckets, where Zacharati, Demetri’s mother, would hand-wash laundry. (34)

The struggle between mother and daughter mirrors the struggle between mirror reflection and real person. Erika Bach’s own attempts to carve out a career while caring for a young daughter and dealing with debilitating pain and mis-diagnosis is like a secondary tale, made even more poignant by Bach’s letter that ends the book. Her role--both as antagonist, and as the most steadfast and constant ally in Bell’s battle for self-identity and creative fulfilment is both harrowing, and affirmative. Throughout the memoir, Bell very deftly weaves in the present, continually testing the past against a revised perception, and creating a slightly meta-fictional quality to the work that is post-modern in its conceits while still sticking closely to the memoir format.

Bell’s many ‘lives’ include lots of rock and roll, love affairs, loss, and even a suicide attempt.  The story is bolstered by footnotes, a website full of photos, and lots of musical links to give what is already a powerful read a multimedia impact.  Dear Reflection is one of those memoirs that really draws you in and will stay with you long after it’s finished.

[Clare Flynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This raw, unsparing, insight into life as the only child of a pair of gothic rock musicians is a compelling read. Jessica Bell grew up in Melbourne in a home where her parents struggled to make ends meet and her mum, Erika, battled against the stranglehold of prescription drug addiction, alcohol, pain and years of horrific withdrawal symptoms.
Jessica spares no one in her no-holds barred revelations - but most particularly herself. From her earliest schooldays she saw herself as a misfit, wanting to be accepted, but somehow always being different. Her teens saw her turning to the oblivion granted by alcohol as she was caught between loneliness at school and a constant battleground at home as Erika wrestled with her own demons and Jessica was forced at times into the role of carer - something she often refused to do, then suffering the consequent guilt. Losing her virginity to rape, then a teenage abortion, booze, depression, self-loathing - they're all there.
All this sounds like the ingredients for a depressing read - but this is no misery memoir. Interweaving all this is Jessica's indomitable spirit and plurality of talents. A guitarist, singer, now with a successful Greek band, a novelist, poet, author of books on writing craft, a talented designer, publisher and (at one point) a successful if reluctant entrepreneur with a gourmet sandwich bar! - Jessica Bell is a true Renaissance woman. Most importantly this is also a book about love - throughout all their ups and downs, battles and impassioned declarations of hatred, there is no doubting the love between Jessica and her mother. It can't have been easy for Erika to have her daughter bare both their lives in this way, so it is a tribute to her courage and pride in her daughter.
A moving coming of age story - highly recommended.

[Jean Gill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Moving and inspirational. Rips the inadequate band-aid off childhood wounds and shows that healing is possible. Anyone who’s worked with disturbed adolescents will relate to Jessica’s story and learn from it.
Many children bear the brunt of ‘caring’ for parents, forced into an adult role, and their voices are rarely heard. Jessica Bell speaks for every one of those children when she shares her pain and guilt. There is no safe place and teenage Jessica’s self-destructive urges, fuelled by alcoholism and comfort sex, add to the likelihood that she will suffer. The vicious cycle is not easy reading but has an honesty and self-awareness that helps the reader understand why a youngster would behave this way.
The fact that Jessica’s parents are rock stars adds glamour but not financial security to the story. Creativity proves to be a better friend than alcohol or sex, and is also the lifeline which allows the love between mother and daughter to reach an adult understanding, all the more beautiful for its roots in darkness.

**Read under previous title 'Dear Reflection' **

[Damien Titchener · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dear Reflection: I never meant to be a Rebel is a journey into the very nature of our being, from the time we understand our emotional wants, to the turmoil that is adolescence, we are constantly staring at a mirror with a question that dances on our tongue like a ballerina. Who are you? We ask ourselves this question in the hope that the one staring back will have the answer.

With Dear Reflection Jessica Bell tries to answer that question, we see her struggle to be accepted by her peers and to show the world that she is more then what others perceive her to be. Her story touches the heart as we explore her upbringing and the trials she faces, her story is forthright and confronting, never pulling any punches, we are constantly hit with her emotional being, her story becomes our story as we are caught up in events that we can't control.

We never mean to be rebels, and Jessica shows us that a rebel resides in all of us, how we deal and cope with that fact is a very important part of life. We may feel alone surrounded by friends and family, but that rebel inside of us the one we feel is fighting against the world has one special quality that won't be found anywhere else, and that is Hope. No matter what happens, hope is there to see us through, even though we may not see it ourselves.

Dear Reflection is a highly readable memoir, almost to the point where it doesn't feel like reading at all, but more like absorbing the content directly into your mind. She trusts the reader to fill in the blanks so the narrative is never bogged down with unwanted detail. Each page is a new discovery as we explore the world through her eyes. When I had to put the book down I was eager to return. Jessica Bells memoir is an exploration of her being and I feel that you will understand this talented individual and the amazing experiences she has yet to offer us and be better for it.

[La La · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was everything I wanted it to be, and more. It was everything it needed to be, and more. It was real and honest. Please don't read those fiction books with characters in the music business written by authors who have never been in the music business, anymore. Read about the real thing; the real people.

The story spanned many years, so you see how Jessica viewed the experiences of her life as a child, teen, young adult, grown woman and how perspectives change from one age to another, looking back on the previous ages. I thought this book was well thought out in this respect. I also liked the element of her mirror reflection's reactions to what was going on in "their" life.

There were a couple of things I didn't agree with mental healthwise: like, there being no reason for her depressions, other than brain chemistry, when her circumstances strongly pointed to environmental depression, and the thought that she should bear just as much guilt and responsibility as her mother for their strained relationship during her teen years. That killed me because a teenage Jessica had every right to be angry and act out because her mother was a drug addict, and a textbook case abusive parent at that time. She was a kid in need of a stable parent and the mother was the adult not taking responsibility, or being selfless enough to hand her child off to the stable parent.

The story deals with self-doubt, depression, drug addiction, alcoholism, rape, abusive relationships, sexuality, and all kinds of love from the detrimental to the uplifting, and everything in between, in a brutally honest way. There are a lot of life lessons in this book.

I was approved for an eARC, via Edelweiss, in return for and honest review. I will be reviewing this book, in full, on my blog and will add the link when it is posted.

[Liza Perrat · Rating 5 out of 5]

essica Bell’s unflinching and unbridled memoir is set in 1980s Melbourne, where she grew up with rocker parents who encouraged her to play her own guitar and write her own songs. This might sound exotic and exciting, but proved to be just the opposite. Her mother’s medical problems led her to abuse pills, alcohol and, during withdrawals, to suffer terrible anxiety and psychotic attacks. Fearful of these reactions, her step-father retreated into silence. Having no one to confide in, and to rely on, Jessica turned inwards, to her own reflection.

But her mirror proved not to be a friend, but her enemy, and she stumbled into alcoholism, depression and self-destruction. She became a rebel. Until, one day, the alcohol literally almost killed Jessica and she was forced to ask herself honestly, why she kept running from reality. And from herself.

This memoir is a raw and brutally honest account of Jessica’s damaged years, and the inspirational self-determination she was able to muster to break free from this destructive wave. It portrays how her highly creative powers, both in music and writing, helped her rebuild the love, shattered by illness and medication, between a daughter and her mother.

This is a moving, frightening, intense and beautifully-narrated page-turner, where the reader can’t help but sympathise with Jessica, and hope she finds her way out of the black hole. Highly recommended.

[Liza Perrat · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jessica Bell’s unflinching and unbridled memoir is set in 1980s Melbourne, where she grew up with rocker parents who encouraged her to play her own guitar and write her own songs. This might sound exotic and exciting, but proved to be just the opposite. Her mother’s medical problems led her to abuse pills, alcohol and, during withdrawals, to suffer terrible anxiety and psychotic attacks. Fearful of these reactions, her step-father retreated into silence. Having no one to confide in, and to rely on, Jessica turned inwards, to her own reflection.

But her mirror proved not to be a friend, but her enemy, and she stumbled into alcoholism, depression and self-destruction. She became a rebel. Until, one day, the alcohol literally almost killed Jessica and she was forced to ask herself honestly, why she kept running from reality. And from herself.

This memoir is a raw and brutally honest account of Jessica’s damaged years, and the inspirational self-determination she was able to muster to break free from this destructive wave. It portrays how her highly creative powers, both in music and writing, helped her rebuild the love, shattered by illness and medication, between a daughter and her mother.

This is a moving, frightening, intense and beautifully-narrated page-turner, where the reader can’t help but sympathise with Jessica, and hope she finds her way out of the black hole. Highly recommended.

[Paul · Rating 4 out of 5]

A few times a year I like to for reasons I have still to fathom grab a book without any previous knowledge and delve into it. Now, this might seem a bit risky but a) I have been very lucky in the books I have read this way and b) I will basically read anything with the exception of erotic novel. To be honest they make me cringe to read. So to the book at hand. I am starting to get more and more into autobiography lately. spending time in someone else shoes is proving to be a very enlightening and interesting adventure.



Jessica takes us into her world and shines a light into the darkest areas of her life. For some, the stories she tells are things people would probably relegate to a forgotten part of their memory hoping no one will remember them. She comes through with a raw honesty and power that drew me in and kept me focused as I spent time learning her story. Over the course of her childhood Bell seems to have gone through a hell of a lot to get to where she is now. To make this easier for the reader the book is broken up into five sections each dealing with set points in her life, all told in chronological order.



In the telling of her story, the author deals with some fairly heavy subject. She spends most of her school life being bullied to one extent or another. This I think forming the bedrock of a lot of her self-esteem issues. I liked her use of the reflection in the mirror to give form to these thoughts and feelings she had about herself. It shows with great poignancy the give and takes between Bell and her subconscious and the demons she had to fight. Some of these I have to say did resonate with me I guess no matter how much time and distance we put between us and the time we spend growing up, we still carry this baggage the rest of our lives. But I think in Bells case she has come to own this trauma. The women writing this book is not entirely the same one who lived those events.



She also details the troubled relationship she has with her parents. They being a semi-famous bad in Australia during the nineteen nineties. This is ever more present in the passages that take place between Bell and her mother. Theirs seems to be a battle of words as much as it was actions. Each seemingly trying to hurt one another without actually laying a finger on each other. I am glad that the author chose to give context in later chapters to these actions, It stopped it from becoming a tale of the wicked mother. Each dealing with their pain through abuses of different substances. Alcohol playing a huge part in her teenage years leading to situations she probably otherwise never would have found her self in. Thus, in turn, adding to more self-doubt and causing every increasing depression. But however, you chose to self-medicate you can never outrun that particular wolf.



More than any part of this book the way in which she openly talks about her mental health issues dug down deep into me. Having spent so long dealing with my own problems, It somehow felt reassuring to read about someone who dealt with some of the same problems I have been through. I think it is hard enough to deal with these thoughts and feelings internally, but it takes a very brave person to put them down on to paper and then send them out into the world. This book is a powerful message to others out there that they are not alone, and you can make it out the other side. How changing the people around you can sometimes have a huge impact on how you see your little corner of the planet. But it is also a story of a complicated and mixed up woman trying to find her place in the world. Some time brutally honest to the point of making you feel uncomfortable than to be brought back from the edge by sharing her moments of triumph and a few laughs. this is a book and person well worth spending some time with

[Mel (Epic Reading) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Critiquing a memoir always feels almost unfair... you can't say that someone didn't feel the way they did or isn't being genuine; as likely they have explained things in the only way they know how.
So how can you criticize them?
The short answer is, you can't.
The long answer is more complex.
If I end up sounding like a heartless bitch by the end of this then I will only apologize to Jessica Bell to say that it's not about devaluing her experiences, it's about how they were written about and discussed.

I found this memoir to use 'shock' value moments in a very odd way. Not to send a morale or turn you straight message to the reader, not to show the progression of Bell as a person, but instead as an excuse. It's like each time something happens that is a 'big deal' Bell uses it as a reason for why it's okay to then do something else. This is not really a good message in my mind, especially for teens. I'd like to have read more about the actual consequences of her binge drinking, of having an abortion, etc. I'd also like to have read more about how those situations have made her the person she is today. Instead by the end of the memoir I feel like Bell has just made a myriad of excuses for why she hasn't done things in life that she maybe wanted to. Or is with the man she is with.

That said, her definition of love is different; and this I commend her for. She does discuss how love is not a blinding moment or 'instant' and how sometimes it's hard to even see it. So I give her props for describing a non-typical relationship and allowing readers to maybe gain a sliver of insight into why people stay together that may not seem like a perfect match.
Now alternatively you could easily say that Bell settled. But I will give her the benefit of the doubt here that she isn't taking the easy way out on this one.

I think overall the glazing over of issues is what bugs me the most here. I hate when moments in life are used as a crutch or justification for why someone should receive sympathy... maybe it's because I can go toe-to-toe with Bell on a lot of situations I personally experienced as a teen myself. And maybe that isn't fair to her... but in my mind those experiences are not something to be used as a way to garner sympathy or used as an excuse. They are moments that make us stronger, more resilient and overall shape our personality today. They also inform our current decisions. And here is where I felt like Bell missed out in this memoir. She didn't connect her past decisions with her future ones. Let's face it, whether we like it or not, the things that have happened to us in the past ALWAYS influence the future us.

While some may connect with Bell's story and her aloneness, I personally felt like this was missing something. Some piece of Bell that I craved. I still feel like I don't know her even after reading this. I feel like I know about her; but don't actually know HER.

Overall if you want to read a shock value story about drugs, alcohol and how damaging it can be; read Go Ask Alice instead.

To read this and more of my reviews visit my blog at Epic Reading

Please note: I received an eARC of this book from the publisher via NetGalley. This is an honest and unbiased review.

[Ursula Kovačević · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not a book for the faint hearted. But a book - an insight or a ray of hope to toxic relationships that come through it battle scars and all. This book will be one to remember.
Be prepared to be challenged in every page in the book! Reading this book was like standing on the edge of a river- and throwing pebbles to skim and skip across the water causing ripples, or sinking while deciding whether to sink or swim.
My mind was left tangled and my heart shredded from the process of reading and absorbing the manic mayhem of Jessica's life - between Erika and herself - the raw honesty of wounds that cut so deep, exposed.
I was nauseous -yet compelled to read the story. I felt shame as history was repeating itself in parts. Throughout it all- the author was authentic Her sheer determination, stubbornness and strength prevailed. This was an incredible exercise for the author to undertake- and still what shines through are her skills and talent to protect and deflect even those that should have been protecting her. Reading between the lines - ones that were never written (too much material to work with I guess ) I see Jessica as still vulnerable and powerful at the same time. Congratulations on being able to honestly share her insecurities, her burdens, her demons . I envisage that the author is now standing in the sunshine and has left the dark shadows behind . Enjoying the limelight that SHE so rightfully deserves.

[Deb McEwan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brutally honest and gut-wrenching, I couldn’t put this book down. It’s the equivalent of watching a car crash – you know you shouldn’t rubberneck but just can’t help it. The author was on a collision course from a young age, trying to rid herself of her own demons and those of a loved one. I went from wanting to hug the teenager to wanting to sit her down and give her a piece of my mind.
Such an interesting and sometimes tormented life; this could so easily be a tale of fiction.
All the above makes it a brilliant book, which I highly recommend no matter your genre or preferences.
Five stars with bells!

[Amie McCracken · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raw and riveting. Truly an experience to read this memoir. It reads like a novel, until a date pops up, or you sit back and realize this is the author's actual life on display. And because of that it is all the more gut-wrenching. With her usual gorgeous prose and passion, Jessica shows her world and not only takes you on the journey but brings it all to a wonderful conclusion (though it is almost another beginning for her).

[Theresa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bravo Jessica! Such an inspirational memoir. Jessica lives through years of self-doubt and self-hatred. Her mother has her own debilitating issues, but continues to support and encourage her daughter. Thankfully Jessica overcomes her demons and gets on with her life becoming a successful editor, publisher and singer. I was surprised, disturbed and really moved by her memoir (I've worked with her on a couple of book covers). I highly recommend it.

[Amie McCracken · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raw and riveting. Truly an experience to read this memoir. It reads like a novel, until a date pops up, or you sit back and realize this is the author's actual life on display. And because of that it is all the more gut-wrenching. With her usual gorgeous prose and passion, Jessica shows her world and not only takes you on the journey but brings it all to a wonderful conclusion (though it is almost another beginning for her).

[Paul · Rating 4 out of 5]

In 1980's Australia, Erika Bach and Demetri Vlass founded Ape the Cry and Hard Candy, two of Melbourne’s iconic indie bands. They encouraged Jessica with unreserved love to pick up the guitar and write her own songs. But Erika’s back problem became a nightmare of pill popping, alcohol abuse, and anxiety attacks. Demetri retreated into silence for fear of triggering Erika’s drug-induced psychosis. And Jessica turned inwards, to her own reflection.

A few times a year I like to for reasons I have still to fathom grab a book without any previous knowledge and delve into it. Now, this might seem a bit risky but a) I have been very lucky in the books I have read this way and b) I will basically read anything with the exception of erotic novel. To be honest they make me cringe to read. So to the book at hand. I am starting to get more and more into autobiography lately. spending time in someone else shoes is proving to be a very enlightening and interesting adventure.

Jessica takes us into her world and shines a light into the darkest areas of her life. For some, the stories she tells are things people would probably relegate to a forgotten part of their memory hoping no one will remember them. She comes through with a raw honesty and power that drew me in and kept me focused as I spent time learning her story. Over the course of her childhood Bell seems to have gone through a hell of a lot to get to where she is now. To make this easier for the reader the book is broken up into five sections each dealing with set points in her life, all told in chronological order.

In the telling of her story, the author deals with some fairly heavy subject. She spends most of her school life being bullied to one extent or another. This I think forming the bedrock of a lot of her self-esteem issues. I liked her use of the reflection in the mirror to give form to these thoughts and feelings she had about herself. It shows with great poignancy the give and takes between Bell and her subconscious and the demons she had to fight. Some of these I have to say did resonate with me I guess no matter how much time and distance we put between us and the time we spend growing up, we still carry this baggage the rest of our lives. But I think in Bells case she has come to own this trauma. The women writing this book is not entirely the same one who lived those events.

She also details the troubled relationship she has with her parents. They being a semi-famous bad in Australia during the nineteen nineties. This is ever more present in the passages that take place between Bell and her mother. Theirs seems to be a battle of words as much as it was actions. Each seemingly trying to hurt one another without actually laying a finger on each other. I am glad that the author chose to give context in later chapters to these actions, It stopped it from becoming a tale of the wicked mother. Each dealing with their pain through abuses of different substances. Alcohol playing a huge part in her teenage years leading to situations she probably otherwise never would have found her self in. Thus, in turn, adding to more self-doubt and causing every increasing depression. But however, you chose to self-medicate you can never outrun that particular wolf.

More than any part of this book the way in which she openly talks about her mental health issues dug down deep into me. Having spent so long dealing with my own problems, It somehow felt reassuring to read about someone who dealt with some of the same problems I have been through. I think it is hard enough to deal with these thoughts and feelings internally, but it takes a very brave person to put them down on to paper and then send them out into the world. This book is a powerful message to others out there that they are not alone, and you can make it out the other side. How changing the people around you can sometimes have a huge impact on how you see your little corner of the planet. But it is also a story of a complicated and mixed up woman trying to find her place in the world. Some time brutally honest to the point of making you feel uncomfortable than to be brought back from the edge by sharing her moments of triumph and a few laughs. this is a book and person well worth spending some time with

[Magdalena · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the outside, Jessica Bell’s life looks like an extraordinary success.  Editor, teacher, author, and singer/songwriter, Bell has written and published a number of books in different genres including poetry, several novels and writing guides, created her own literary magazine, become a fully-fledged publisher, written a music album, and joined a major band, all in the last decade or so. Success appears to have been  effortless for her. Bell’s memoir shows just how far from effortless that success has been. Bell’s first (and possibly not last) memoir is a well-written, fast paced, and engaging read that chronicles Bell’s extensive struggles with depression, with being the child of two semi-famous gothic musicians, years of coping with her mother’s drug addiction, and the ongoing battle to maintain self-esteem against an inverse of Snow White’s evil queen’s mirror on the wall - the “reflection” of the title.

The book is structured chronologically into five parts, each tied to a particular timeframe that moves between age four and thirty five. It is generally progressive but the mirrored reflection remains in the present tense as an uneasy and often malevolent confidante that takes on the role of a character. It is possible to read the reflection as Bell's alter-ego or the ‘monkey mind’, like an evil twin that must be reckoned with.  This ‘reflection’ is represented by an italicised voice that not only receives the chronicle letters, but which continually attempts to undermine Bell’s successes and sense of well-being.  The reflection isn’t just Bell’s own self-criticism.  It’s also a societal voice that many readers will recognize all too well - the voice of the ‘normative’; the voice of magazine ads and perceptions of ‘should-be’, and it’s clear from the start that the real story here is about the battle between this self-saboteur and the desire to for self-actualisation and happiness. It’s an ongoing battle and one which takes this story from an interesting account to one with universal appeal.

Bell’s settings are well drawn and engage the reader as the story moves from Melbourne's Heidelberg suburbs, the university scene as Bell attends Latrobe university, through Greece’s Ithaca and Athens. The descriptions of Ithaca are particularly evocative:

In the mornings, the rooster’s call would wake up the locals at the first sign of sunrise. Cicadas would sing in the olive groves, and dogs would bark as the bread truck—a beat-up red Ute—would deliver fresh hot loaves to residences by slipping the required amount of bread into cloth bags hanging from wire fencing. When glittering sunlight would make patterns on my bedroom wall, Mum would make me Vegemite toast. I’d eat it on the verandah with Maria, the next door neighbour’s daughter who was one year younger than me, propped up on a whitewashed ledge covered in baby blue and yellow plastic buckets, where Zacharati, Demetri’s mother, would hand-wash laundry. (34)

The struggle between mother and daughter mirrors the struggle between mirror reflection and real person. Erika Bach’s own attempts to carve out a career while caring for a young daughter and dealing with debilitating pain and mis-diagnosis is like a secondary tale, made even more poignant by Bach’s letter that ends the book. Her role--both as antagonist, and as the most steadfast and constant ally in Bell’s battle for self-identity and creative fulfilment is both harrowing, and affirmative. Throughout the memoir, Bell very deftly weaves in the present, continually testing the past against a revised perception, and creating a slightly meta-fictional quality to the work that is post-modern in its conceits while still sticking closely to the memoir format.

Bell’s many ‘lives’ include plenty of rock and roll, love affairs, loss, and even a suicide attempt.  The story is bolstered by footnotes, a website full of photos, and lots of musical links to give what is already a powerful read a multimedia impact.  Go is one of those memoirs that really draws you in and will stay with you long after it’s finished.

[Paul T. · Rating 5 out of 5]

In an ideal world, childhood is a time that leaves us with idyllic memories of a perfect world when the sun shone every day and parents united in love provided a warm cosy protected environment where a girl or boy can explore their potential without a bump on the road to success in life. Jessica Bell’s childhood was not like that. Her first memories were of feelings of inadequacy as a result of a depressive condition, standing in front of a mirror being berated by her reflection, followed by her mother packing a bag and telling her to say goodbye to her stepfather. School didn’t improve the situation. Children are incredibly cruel and heartless and the weakest member of the crowd is an easy target for bullies. A child who is in any way different, whether in dress or attitude, is also a natural target, resulting in feelings of depression being exacerbated. Depression shows itself in many ways and Jessica Bell seems to have experienced most of them, right up to the point where ending her life appeared to be the only option to relieve the situation. She adopted many approaches to dealing with depression, beginning with alcohol. The book is a roller coaster ride through the life of a girl who began life in Melbourne Australia, spent time in Greece and lived life to the full, is probably lucky to be alive and has nevertheless achieved educational and artistic excellence. Her book on self-publishing, SELF –PUBLISH YOUR BOOK, A Quick and Easy Step-by-Step Guide, one of a number in her Writing in a Nutshell Series, is a gift to any aspiring writer. And though it might not seem like it for much of her story, Jessica tells us that her mother’s and stepfather’s love was absolute and unconditional. Eventually she tells us how she successfully found love, opened a sandwich bar on the Greek island of Ithaca, took to writing, went back to making music in Athens and discovered that happiness and freedom are choices. This is a terrific story of redemption that caused me to have leaky eyes more than once. Read it and be inspired.

[Martha · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Tense and Intense Honesty

To read Jessica Bell’s memoir “Go” is to wish you could save her, even though you suspect by her rebellious nature she wouldn’t change anything about her life. That if asked, she’d say every moment in her colorful, yet chaotic youth made her the dynamic person she came to be.

With unbelievable courage and honesty, Ms. Bell, the singer of Keep Shelly in Athens, tells of every twist in the road of growing up the daughter of Erika Bach, who with her second husband, Demetri Vlass, formed two iconic indie bands in Australia during the 1980s and 1990s.

Just as her mother doesn’t conform to the ideal of a suburban mum, so the author doesn’t fit into normal kid society from the moment she enters school. In heartbreaking detail, the author goes on to describe the various agonies that befall her, from bullying to rape, binge-drinking to suicidal thoughts.

What really makes her adolescence intolerable, though, is the pain of growing distant from her beloved mother, who falls prey to an unintended painkiller addiction she eventually kicks. Of the many dramatic moments in the book, those between mother and daughter are the most touching. Fortunately the tightness of their early bond proves strong enough to keep them reaching for one another during the darkest times, giving testimony to the resiliency of human connections despite great duress.

The book ends on the high note promised by the title. When the author finally finds her niche among the high school theater and music crowd, her life shifts from aimless and abusive to one dedicated to music, writing and the same creativity that flowed through her home since birth. From there the book launches toward optimism of the kind only borne from acknowledging the cold, hard truth of the part we play in our own demise.

I’m so glad Ms. Bell had the courage, spirit and strength to fight through the hard times to one day shine her bright light on the world!

[Billy Buttons · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was entered in The Wishing Shelf Book Awards. This is what our readers thought:
Title: Go: A Memoir about Binge-drinking, Self-hatred, and Finding Happiness
Author: Jessica Bell

Star Rating: 5 Stars
Number of Readers: 21
Stats
Editing: 10/10
Writing Style: 10/10
Content: 10/10
Cover: 5/5
Of the 21 readers:
21 would read another book by this author.
21 thought the cover was good or excellent.
21 felt it was easy to follow.
21 would recommend this book to another reader to try.
Of all the readers, 3 felt the author’s strongest skill was ‘subject knowledge’.
Of all the readers, 10 felt the author’s strongest skill was ‘writing style’.
Of all the readers, 8 felt the author’s strongest skill was ‘clarity of message’.
21 felt the pacing was good or excellent.
21 thought the author understood the readership and what they wanted.

Readers’ Comments
“Sad, almost gut-wrenching in parts, but always honest and always compelling. This book acts as a stark reminder of the dangers of over medicating and over drinking.” Male reader, aged 51
“This is a book of two parts, the first describing the horror of alcoholism and being a part-time carer for a parent, the second showing how anybody can, with a little luck and a lot of courage, break free and be happy. I thought this was a fantastic read, inspiring in many ways, stark in others. Highly recommended!” Female reader, aged 38
“Not only is this a testament to the bravery of the author, it´s also superbly written. It is, for want of a better word, unputdownable.” Female reader, aged 62
“Any book which highlights the suffering of a child and how, with inner strength and a lot of love (and music), they can recover and enjoy a fulfilling life. I was totally inspired by this book.” Female reader, aged 61

To Sum It Up:
‘The compelling story of a young woman battling her demons and finding happiness. A GOLD MEDAL WINNER and highly recommended!’ The Wishing Shelf Book Awards

[Clare Flynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This raw, unsparing, insight into life as the only child of a pair of gothic rock musicians is a compelling read. Jessica Bell grew up in Melbourne in a home where her parents struggled to make ends meet and her mum, Erika, battled against the stranglehold of prescription drug addiction, alcohol, pain and years of horrific withdrawal symptoms.
Jessica spares no one in her no-holds barred revelations - but most particularly herself. From her earliest schooldays she saw herself as a misfit, wanting to be accepted, but somehow always being different. Her teens saw her turning to the oblivion granted by alcohol as she was caught between loneliness at school and a constant battleground at home as Erika wrestled with her own demons and Jessica was forced at times into the role of carer - something she often refused to do, then suffering the consequent guilt. Losing her virginity to rape, then a teenage abortion, booze, depression, self-loathing - they're all there.
All this sounds like the ingredients for a depressing read - but this is no misery memoir. Interweaving all this is Jessica's indomitable spirit and plurality of talents. A guitarist, singer, now with a successful Greek band, a novelist, poet, author of books on writing craft, a talented designer, publisher and (at one point) a successful if reluctant entrepreneur with a gourmet sandwich bar! - Jessica Bell is a true Renaissance woman. Most importantly this is also a book about love - throughout all their ups and downs, battles and impassioned declarations of hatred, there is no doubting the love between Jessica and her mother. It can't have been easy for Erika to have her daughter bare both their lives in this way, so it is a tribute to her courage and pride in her daughter.
A moving coming of age story - highly recommended.

[Dieter Moitzi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve always loved to read nicely wrapped-up (auto)biographies, so I bought this book, partly out of pure curiosity or what you might call a certain voyeuristic penchant of mine, partly, I guess, because I simply wanted to get to know Jessica better, whom I count among my online acquaintances (I dare not call her “friend” as this would be presumptuous from me). And “GO” turned out an intriguing read. There’s none of the over-analysing and vain navel-gazing one could encounter in a less well written memoir. Throughout the whole book, I was struck and drawn in by the genuine, sincere and authentic voice, which was upheld by the well thought-out structure of the story. It’s this earnest voice combined with the singular story that made the read such a compelling one. I was surprised to look up after every other paragraph to think, to gaze back at my own past, to question my memories, to look for parallels and differences in both our lives. For an avid reader like me, it’s always pleasant to be “entertained” by a book in the sense of “taken out of my day-to-day life”, but that’s not the strongest point about “GO”. It’s as if Jessica, by talking to her own reflection about her life so far, were holding up a mirror in front of me, asking me to probe and test the knowledge of my own past, to analyse my own way of reacting to the world that surrounds us, to try and walk down “memory lane” for myself the way she has done in this book. There’s only one regret, and I can’t refrain from expressing it—I would have loved the book to be longer! As much as I love her singing and as much as I understand her choices, I hope that Jessica will continue writing, nonetheless; I couldn’t shake off the odd feeling that this book was a farewell of sorts to her writing career.

[Debbie Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

An astonishingly frank memoir of an Australian woman born into an unusual domestic scenario - her parents are rock stars - with all kinds of insecurities and anxieties beneath her drive to lead a creative life as a musician herself. Her path is far from easy, and, as the title suggests, she doesn't set out to rebel or be different - she just can't help it. And perhaps that is part of why she has grown up to become a highlly regarded Renaiassance kind of woman, in an alternative kind of way - a multi-talented author, poet, singer songwriter, publisher, and now the lead singer in a top Greek rock band.

At strategic points in the book, she addresses her reflection in the mirror, and in fact the whole book feels as if it is written for herself, almost as therapy, to define who she is and how she got to be this way, and to draw a line underneath her rocky past and find some closure as she crosses the threshold into the career that she'd always longed for - fronting a successful band. To write something so intimate and confessional - there are no holds barred - is admirably is courageous, and she also shows great self-knowledge.

I thought the final letter from her mother at the end was a touching tribute, and I am so glad that after all that each of them has been through, their love and support for each other is undimmed. A happy ending of another kind for this tumultuous tale.

[Alison Cubitt · Rating 5 out of 5]

To those who didn't know her, young Jessica must have seemed too cool for school. How many other mums on the school run in Melbourne's northern suburbs wore gothic black, had spiky hair and was in an indie band?

How do you even begin to rebel against a lifestyle like that? The logical answer might be, by becoming someone straight, like an accountant, perhaps?

But behind the scenes, Jessica's parents had their struggles: by day doing their best to give her a stable family upbringing, yet by night they were playing gigs, striving to make it big.
This seemingly carefree lifestyle took its toll on the family: it's hard to make a living from playing in a band and performing is hard, physical work. Jessica's mother was plagued by a back injury and took tablets to relieve the pain. But the drugs no longer seemed to work, so she upped the dose. And, as every child of an addict knows, soon the parent-child relationship reversed, as Jessica became a part-time carer. To cope she turned inwards.

I hope that angst-ridden teenagers get to read GO and take comfort from it. It's an inspiring story of one young woman trying to make her way in the world. And it is a testament to the strength of character of this remarkable mother and daughter that they found a way to work through their pain and turmoil to overcome their demons. And that despite the unconventional upbringing, there was no shortage of love, even when day-to-day life threatened to overwhelm them. Highly recommended.

[Peter Snell · Rating 5 out of 5]

One route to the top in writing, publishing and music.

A memoir can be such a personal thing and this one is very personal. It is a no holds barred account of an Australian childhood as the daughter of musicians on the rock scene, a childhood as an oddball and a series of traumas that could flatten an elephant. Jessica has ended up in Greece as a successful author, publisher and musician in her own right. It is tempting to suggests that the problems she experienced as an adolescent are what turned her into the media star she is today. However, be cautioned, it worked for Jessica but I am not convinced that everyone would find their way to the top by following her route. There will be not plot spoilers but prepare yourself for an exhilarating ride through turbulent times and relationships. Personally I can't wait for volume two in thirty years time just to find out how much more extraordinary one life can get.

[Steve Zettler · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Go” is an impassioned and masterful ride through the very minefield outlined in its subtitle. One of the wondrous things about “Go” is that Bell writes in the moment, with the raw emotion that exists within her soul at each point in time. There is no adult looking back and being critical of its younger self; there’s plenty of criticism in real time. There is this feeling the reader has become a dear friend; a friend unable to reach out and say, “Stop,” rather than, “Go.” When reading a memoir, one must identify with the author in the first few pages. Bell accomplishes this for us flawlessly. She’s a young girl born into a family business; a business of passionate art. How does one get out of that business? Quite simply, they don’t. Good artists are often emotionally ripped to shreds from day one, and many never become capable of sewing themselves back together. Thankfully for readers of “Go,” Bell has patched herself up and given us a stunning memoir.

[Ann Epstein · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Healing Power of Creativity – Jessica Bell’s memoir is a straightforward story of a young woman’s journey from alienation to self-acceptance. She tries to connect with family and peers, while seeing herself as a disconnected and divided soul. Her struggles with alcohol, and her mother’s parallel fight to overcome drug addiction, are told in stark, often painful incidents. Ultimately, this book is about the healing power of creativity. Through making art, fiction, and above all music, Bell defies despair and builds a satisfying life that gives her a cohesive identity. As an artist and writer myself (see my Goodreads author page https://www.goodreads.com/author/show...), this book resonated with me, but it speaks to anyone who yearns to discover their own form of expression and make peace with their soul.

[Adam Byatt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Memoirs are interesting beasts to contend with; they are both the tamed version of a wild animal, and the visible representation of the wild beast whose life is bigger than you'll ever believe.
Jessica Bell's memoir takes you through the maelstrom of a life of recklessness, hedonism, uncertainty and doubt through the motif of a mirror. The reflection we see in the mirror is a representation of who we are, who we want to be and how others see us. And by the end of the memoir we understand that our refection is all of those three, and there is no certainty that the one we want to be the clearest representation of ourselves will come to pass.
It's not a moralistic fable, more a confessional tome that makes you look at your own reflection a little differently.

[Mark Chesnut · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book hard to put down. GO is a simultaneously moving, disturbing and inspirational memoir that doesn't hold back in its honest depiction of a person who must travel a difficult path to ultimately find out who she is and what she wants from life. Jessica Bell expertly paints a picture of each stage in her life, ultimately taking readers on a journey they won't soon forget (I know I won't). Lots of people have faced challenges related to drug and alcohol abuse, of course. But few people are able to depict their journey with such clarity and emotional honesty. The indie music setting adds even more flavor to this truly memorable work. I found myself rooting for the author and anxiously hoping for the best as each complication and challenge presented itself. Highly recommend!