All of This: A Memoir of Death and Desire

by Rebecca Woolf

"Beautifully written, complex, provocative, painful, genuine...an unforgettable memoir."--ROXANE GAY

"Wonderfully lyrical and uncomfortably honest in a way that is so rare, yet so needed."--JENNY LAWSON

"Disturbing and profound, this intimate book also reveals the sometimes-labyrinthine nature of the bonds that unite people in love...A provocative and memorable work."--Kirkus Reviews

After years of struggling in a tumultuous marriage, writer Rebecca Woolf was finally ready to leave her husband. Two weeks after telling him she wanted a divorce, he was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. Four months later, at the age of forty-four, he died.

In All of This, Woolf chronicles the months before her husband's death--and her rebirth after he was gone. With rigorous honesty and incredible awareness, she reflects on the end of her marriage: how her husband's illness finally gave her the space to make peace with his humanity and her own.

Stunning, compelling, and brilliantly nuanced, All of This is one woman's story of embracing the complexities of grief without shame--as a mother, a widow, and a sexual being--and emerging on the other side of a relationship with gratitude and relief.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Grief, Biography Memoir, Death, Feminism

235 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 16, 2022

About the author

Rebecca Woolf authors the popular parenting blogs, http://girlsgonechild.blogspot.com and http://Babble.com’s Straight From the Bottle. Her first book, Rockabye: A Young Mom's Journey From Wild to Child was released April, 2008. She is currently at work on a novel, screenplay and a human child due in October.

Reviews

[Roxane · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought about this book for quite a long time after I finished it, trying to decide how I felt about it. This is definitely going to be a polarizing memoir. What works especially well is the moving account of a woman who becomes a widow to a man she was planning to leave before he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It's one of those impossible circumstances we so rarely hear about because it is messy and uncomfortable. It is a circumstance that is rarely shared and especially with such honesty. Nothing is held back and there is a generosity to Woolf's deceased husband coupled with an open acknowledgment of her truths, such that these people are seen as themselves rather than the idealized versions you might expect. And that's also where I paused. Because at times I wondered if I was witnessing radical honesty or radical rationalizations, not with the dissolution of the marriage, at all, but with some of the tone of the narratives about infidelity and new relationships, etc. No judgments! But I'll be curious to hear what other people think of certain aspects of the memoir. But what matters most is that it is beautifully written, complex, provocative, painful, genuine, and then the ending kind of falls apart like the author did not quite know where to take the narrative once she reached a certain point. It's okay! It's still an unforgettable memoir, and very unique. (In a good way.)

[Ana · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you NetGalley and Harper One for a digital ARC.

I feel conflicted about how to rate and review this memoir. I have been reading Rebecca Woolf's writing since the start of the mommy blogging days. Part of the conflict I feel is that I feel duped and lied to as a reader and fan of her work. It is as if years of reading her writing about marriage and parenting has all been a lie, a show, and now this memoir is the real story, the real writer... So with that context it has been hard for me to settle on how I feel about the book. Some of these topics have been alluded to and mildly addressed in her social media and blogging, but just a taste here or there and not the full truth.

The writing is good. It isn't great. There are repetitive statements and conversational language that doesn't feel right: use of the "because, X" statements for example. "Because, grief." There are sections in italics that I am not sure why they are in italics. There are jumps back and forth in time which feel like an editors suggestion (you need to give back story here and here). And the end sort of fizzles out which is ok because that is what grief does and we don't always have a MOMENT that brings things "full circle" in life. Although that phrase, full circle, is thrown about in the book several times at the beginning and so I was expecting that theme to appear in the ending of the book. I also wonder if I didn't know the author's family structure and life story from her blog and Instagram if I would have such a rich picture of who they are, for example, there's no description of what the children look like, only vague descriptions of what Hal, Woolf's husband, and the author herself look like... but I know what they look like from seeing images online for over a decade.

Topically I found the first half of the book powerful and well executed. The idea of caring for and then grieving for a person you wanted to divorce is a conflict that is a difficult to talk about in "normal" society. I have personal experience with a loss of an ex as a young person (24) and I was treated like a widow despite our breakup weeks before. I know how hard it can be to live with that legacy of being the last person who was supposed to love that person more than your own life... Despite that I found the gritty descriptions of her lack of self care and hygiene distressing and performative, for example, underwear and clothing she did not change for 4 or 5 days. I have worked as a hospice/end-of-life nurse of many years and I kept thinking: what are the nurses doing?, why aren't they supporting her? and also her friends and family, who were so wonderful at stepping up for her and her kids, why are they not helping her care for herself too?

The second half of the book expounds on how Woolf grieved for her own loss of staying in a marriage that was not right for her for 13 or so years, 4 months after her husband dies. And that there are so many women who stay in marriages that they are not happy in and they should scream freedom from MEN and leave them. How much she likes casual sex and how there can be intimacy in a single sexual encounter. This part of the book felt like a list of sexual exploits and it felt cringy that her children would probably read about how she snuck out of the house in the rain to fuck someone under the eaves of her house while her children slept inside or that brief illusion that she asks partners to choke her during sex, or how she was unfaithful in her marriage. As much as she talks about being honest with her children this felt... not quite right. There is truth and then there is this... Maybe truth is talking about how this felt, why she needed this type of sexual encounter, what it fulfilled in her, how it changed her relationship with herself, etc. Self reflection is hard to do without time and distance. It made this part of the book as messy and disjointed as Woolf writes about feeling - I argue that with distance and introspection you can write about a messy experience without messy and disjointed language.

Despite all of that I found the memoir provocative, complex, genuine, and memorable. It is writing I will think about in the future when navigating relationships. The balance between self care, meeting my own needs and wants, and compromise....

[Jenny Lawson · Rating 5 out of 5]

An authentic and profound book on the complexities of grief, desire and being human.

[Tegus · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a long time follower of Rebecca's blog, this book had me intrigued enough to order, though I had some reservations based on her revised public image.

I thought the first half of the book was brilliantly written and incredibly evocative. There were passages where her insights left me in awe. She is a deep feeler and thinker and a very skilled writer. I also didn't expect the tenderness and commitment towards her dying husband based on the way she ravaged him publicly after his death. Five stars for this section.

The second half was simply, TMI. And yes, there is such thing as TMI even in 2022. Especially when you have young children and your spouse will never be able to tell their side. Hal's bitterness and rage is never explored in the context of her cheating and lying about it for almost a decade. She doesn't reflect on how her cheating ("I couldn't keep it in my pants") must have poisoned their relationship. What if the roles were switched? Would the audience have the same sympathy for a male serial adulterer? A book, a story, a following - would probably not exist.

I felt the details of her sexual desires and trysts in the second half were boastful and sometimes even cruel (her fantasy about having sex with Hal's friend in the bathroom of his funeral, her descriptions of a lover's genitals, etc) and really took away from the beauty and depth of the book. 'Truth' does not need to come at the expense of respect for self and others. One star for this section. My sympathies ended up landing with Hal and his living family members as I finished the book. Not just for the life he lost but for his voice that was stolen and ultimately used against him - from his own wife who was his loving death doula and who claimed to whisper him to the afterlife. I wish the best for everyone involved but don't think the book will age well for those trying to heal.

[Barb Chesser · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was not familiar with this author or her blog prior to reading this book. The first half of the book was raw, honest and beautifully written - her conflicting emotions about supporting her dying spouse even though she had planned to end her marriage. Both characters are flawed but we only hear Becca’s side of the story as this is her memoir and of course Hal is not here to speak. I thought Becca did a good job letting her children grieve in their own way as they attempted to redefine their family as a family of 5. But after Hal’s death she embarks on her long awaited freedom by having casual sex with pretty much anybody with a pulse claiming you can have intimacy with one night stands. She goes into explicit detail of her encounters. She shares much of the details of this with her young children claiming she wants to be honest with them. TMI for me, I can’t imagine how her children felt. I liked much about this book but can only give it 3 stars.

[Olive Fellows (abookolive) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rebecca Woolf's marriage was over when her husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. This book tells the story of her "grief and relief" in losing him, but also the life she went on to lead after his death.

Click here to hear more of my thoughts on this book over on my Booktube channel, abookolive.

[Barbara (The Bibliophage) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Originally published on my book blog, TheBibliophage.com.

4.5 stars rounded up

Rebecca Woolf creates a complex yet vulnerable tale in All of This: A Memoir of Death and Desire. How do these two topics intertwine, you ask? And Woolf answers this question in spades. Her marriage was far from perfect, but they stayed together. Then doctors diagnose her husband with stage four terminal cancer. What follows is as much about the death as how Woolf reconciles her conflicting emotions.

The diagnosis happens just as Woolf considers whether to leave this man—the father of her four children. Instead, she stays and cares for him, putting his intense needs ahead of hers. She attends to the kids physically and emotionally but lets her basic needs slide.

Once her husband dies, Woolf’s pendulum swings to a more balanced place. She and the kids find unique ways to cope. They sing and dance when it helps let their emotions flow. And Woolf figures out how to be a single mom in the world of Tinder. Dates—many of them—become her coping mechanism. She gets back in touch with her womanhood and desire for intimacy and connection, even if just for brief relationships.

My conclusions
Woolf is comfortable oversharing. But it’s endearing and illustrates the genuine complexity of unexpected death after a less-than-ideal relationship. She offers a precious and tender mothering style that’s never saccharin. All of This is a modern take on being a young widow with young kids.

When I started reading, Woolf immediately drew me into her world. I felt the chill of the hospital ward. The vital support of her besties. And each of her acute feelings about events she had little control over. However, this book isn’t a tearjerker. Ultimately, it’s about empowerment and Woolf’s journey to regain her sense of self.

Based on Woolf’s telling, I neither mourned her husband’s death nor the end of their marriage. Instead, I felt hurt for how he forced her into his vision of a wife and caregiver. The book is clearly her way of cleansing the demons of imbalanced marital power. This isn’t the typical way an abusive relationship ends, which makes this memoir compelling.

I recommend this if you love woman-centered memoirs that dive deep into emotions and aren’t afraid to test boundaries of “correctness.”

Pair with Rachel Krantz’s Open: An Uncensored Memoir of Love, Liberation, and Non-Monogamy for the shared frank discussion of open relationships. Or try another memoir about the journey of widowhood, like Elizabeth Alexander’s The Light of the World.

Acknowledgments
Thanks to NetGalley, Harper One, and the author for a digital advanced reader’s copy in exchange for this honest review. The expected publication date for this book is August 16, 2022.

[Jodi Rempel · Rating 2 out of 5]

Great first half, kinda wanted to close one eye for most of the second half in which the author, from my perspective, takes truth telling to such a blunt extent it feels like a farce. Self-righteous, maybe? Immature? I don’t know. The first half of the book nuances an experience that, as far as I can imagine, is nothing short of inexplicable. I couldn’t put it down. I felt for her, and the entirety of the situation. And then it was suddenly a story about sexual encounters and dating that felt at once fratty and politically correct. Strange.

[Angela Byers · Rating 1 out of 5]

Could not finish this. The author dedicated this book to herself & that should have clued me in to what to expect. She is narcissistic, vulgar & immoral. The most heartbreaking part of this story is that her 4 children who lost their father now have Woolf as their only parent. The thought that they will someday read this book is nauseating.

[Diane Payne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Unfortunately, "All of This" was a bit too much about dating other people, being unhappily married most the marriage, yet having more children, and somewhat about Woolf's personal grief of not only "losing" her husband, but of her years spent with her husband. We learn early on in the memoir that after her husband discovers he has pancreatic cancer and not much longer to live, he suggests she finally write a book not only about his death, but their marriage. Woolf is a blogger, but I don't follow her, so I don't know if she normally writes about marriage, raising kids, sex, or politics. I'm not sure that even matters.

The four children are young when their father dies, and we don't see too much of them in this memoir. Woolf became pregnant early in their relationship, and she was young, younger than her soon to be become husband who hated condoms, yet, perhaps out of loyalty, perhaps out of some unrecognizable optimism, they have the child and marry.

As I reflect on what sticks out most in my memory after just finishing this memoir, it's her menstrual blood. Not sure if that was an intentional metaphor or just that she bleed a lot from her IUD after her husband died, but after the IUD is replaced, the husband dead about four months, the memoir switches to her online dating, which is mostly for sex, and this continues for awhile, until we reach the end, and her daughter has her father's phone, and she discovers that her husband had contacted a masseuse because his wife really needed a massage, and she briefly ponders how he did recognize her needs, even though, apparently like much in this memoir, these slight shifts of pattern where they do seem to want to save their shitty marriage, not even the massage materialized, and they just carry on as they have for years.

[Beth Hommes · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rebecca Woolf wanted a divorce. When she is near leaving, her husband is diagnosed with end stage pancreatic cancer and she agrees to stay until he dies. For me this book had two parts. The first part fills in the backstory of Rebecca and her husband Hal as well as his treatments until his death. Neither of them is especially likable but I could sympathize with Rebecca who would become a young widow with four kids. The second part describes Rebecca’s life after Hal’s death. I had great difficulty with many of the choices she made during this time. For me parts of it were hard to read because I found her descriptions gross. I would give Part 1 4 stars and Part 2 1.5 stars so overall it was 3 stars for me. I thank NetGalley and the publisher for the opportunity to read this ARC. I can not say I would recommend it.

[Hillary Copsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Anyone who's read Rebecca Woolf's blog, Girls Gone Child, and/or first memoir, Rockabye, will be interested in this book and likely pleased with the result. Of course, if you've followed Woolf at all on social media since her husband's death, very little in this memoir will feel revelatory. Still, she writes with her signature descriptive flourishes and messy-on-purpose structure to bring her own life into focus in a way that allows readers to connect and consider their lives.

The ending fizzles a bit, like Woolf wasn't quite sure how to make everything come neatly full circle. But that makes sense really. Her life is moving on.

Thanks to NetGalley for the advanced copy.

[Kristen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will be thinking of this book for a long time. I’ve always loved Woolf’s writing, which I found through her blog in 2006 or so (I think). This book has the same familiar cadence and vulnerability but with about 50 times the honesty. It is such a brave book.

[Missy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I laughed out loud. I cried real tears. I cringed. I got pissed off at Hal, pissed off at Rebecca a few times too, fell in love with her sweet babies, panicked when she did, rejoiced when she did. Probably the most personal, raw, real, brave memoir I’ve ever read. Beautiful work, Rebecca.

(In Roxane Gay’s review of this book she mentioned Rebecca’s justifications of her infidelity. That’s the part that pissed me off at Rebecca a bit. But hey, it’s real life and that’s her truth…)

(Reading this inspired me to want to write my own memoir about my experience with the death of my sister. I consider it high praise when reading someone else’s story makes me want to tell my own.)

[Moony Eliver · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can see why this author isn't for everyone, but damn, she hits for me. I've followed her work loosely since her first blog (girlsgonechild) and always admired her writing, but this memoir was much more profound than anything of hers I'd previously read.

Raw, gritty, honest, vulnerable, and beautifully phrased. Although Rebecca and I diverge on some key ways of being in the world, her portrayal made it impossible for me not to understand and relate to her on a visceral level. I hung on every word.

4.5 stars

[Alissa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was gripped by this memoir at the beginning, but by the end I became very bothered by it. I am not familiar with her blog or who she is so I do not have that background to bring to it. Many of us are in the same boat where we're coming to the stage in our lives when self-realization and self-actualization are taking center stage. We realize we made the decisions we did because we were part of the rat race trying to keep up with everyone else/we believed what society was telling us about our roles in this life/we were different people then than we are now. And many of us have also come to unhappy situations in our relationships because either we've changed, we've realized who we really are or they've changed or they're not the person we thought they were. However we got to this place is a struggle. And reinventing a new life that is truer to our actual selves is a struggle. We don't want to cause pain just because we can no longer keep up the charade. And so we're in turmoil. These types of memoirs help us feel less alone. The author seems to "own" the decisions that got her to where she found herself, but the death of her husband literally eliminated that struggle for her. He doesn't have a voice to defend himself. Her younger children will not even remember him. There is no need to sanctify him, of course, but isn't it more fair to say that she realized early on that he was not the man for her but never had the guts to upend her life and his death saved her that struggle? The self-congratulations and preachiness of the end of the book are almost offensive. It's easy to live on your own terms when all obstacles have been removed. Her behavior of smashing the plates and needing constant dates strikes me as almost histrionic. I guess I'll end this by saying this was not the book I had hoped it would be.

[Rita Arens · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have known Rebecca Woolf for more than a decade. This memoir showed me a new side of her -- but not the one you might think.

I identified with Woolf's recognition of her early cool girl self - I did that, too. And I thought deeply about what that outlook meant to me as a young woman as I read. How I also excused men who took advantage of me and myself for not standing up for me at the time. The me of now holds us all responsible.

When Roe v. Wade got overturned this year, the first thing I thought was somehow I inadvertently contributed to this because I didn't insist on enough for myself. I was raped by a man who said he would walk me home to keep me safe. I feel you, Rebecca.

The writing is gorgeous. I loved the full circles. I'm fairly certain this was the book Rebecca Woolf as born to write.

My dad said you don't become a fully functional adult until you have at least two SEEs - significant emotional experiences. I had two by 14 because of my mom's cancer. I remember my dad saying some people go through their whole lives without becoming adults. Archer, Fable, Bo, Revie, Rebecca - all fully functional members of society for having passed your SEEs. Goodonya.

[Melinda Blum · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to like this more. Woolf has solid writing chops, but despite the honesty, the self-interrogation piece is missing. It reads like a justification—like someone writing a long commercial for herself. For me to care more about her, her husband, the relationship, I needed more of the “whys”—not just what happened but an ability to sit in the idea her behavior might cause some pain for others. Her ex? The kids? The plate-breaking scene kind of did me in. I’m all for the sexual exploration/freedom—no judgment—but it would have helped if she could have gotten more fearlessly into how she got there—outside of the obvious plot points.

[reading is my hustle · Rating 5 out of 5]

why do i always forget how much i like memoirs? some of you will know Rebecca Woolf from her blogging days. i loved her blog but soon lost touch with her after she moved on from blogging to focus on her writing. she writes here of her husband being diagnosed with stage iv pancreatic cancer just days after they decided to end their marriage. he was dead four months later & she was with him every step of the way. her memoir chronicles the end of his life for the first half of the book & then she delves into her complicated feelings surrounding the grief & love she had for her husband. i made the mistake of reading a few reviews here on goodreads & was disappointed to read the judging & negativity about her dating/sex life after the death of her husband & for the pearl clutchers- FFS it's right there in the subtitle: A MEMOIR OF DEATH & DESIRE . the negativity is so rich because her whole point of writing this memoir is to question societal expectations.

[Dean · Rating 4 out of 5]

We need more books like this one!!!
Saturated with truth and honesty, without false shame...

Rebecca Woolf a successful blogger, married to a man she no longer loves, and mother of four children.

Her marriage lies in tatters as her husband is diagnose with a terminal disease having only months to live...
Instead of succumbing to feelings of sorry for herself and drifting away into nothingness, she still has the power to shed her old skin...

At last, she can be the woman she always wanted to be!!!!

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found the brutal honesty in this memoir fascinating. I'm not sure I'd have gotten as much out of it if I hadn't been a blog reader of Rebecca's.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

ummmmmmmmmm, YAH. WOW. have loved Rebecca’s words since we were both about 16. they’ve always ripped me wide open. this, her second memoir, was no different.

[Hailey · Rating 4 out of 5]

an honest and moving memoir on grief. i could really appreciate how open the author was in writing this, and will be thinking about this book for awhile.

thank you to netgalley & the publishers for providing me with an arc.

[Thuanhnguyen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whoa. Even through tears, I could not put this book down. I've always known that Rebecca is a beautiful writer, but this longer format has allowed her to explore more deeply important themes about motherwood, womanhood, and marriage. She lays it all out there: her affairs, her troubled relationship with a sometimes verbally and emotionally abusive husband, and her mixed emotions after his death. I haven't experienced becoming a widow, but I imagine Woolf''s honesty will be a great comfort to many women, especially since only one story of the grieving widow is usually told. I really admire Woolf's honesty as a parent, and learned a lot from how much she trusted her children with her truth. When I was done reading the book, it felt like her catharsis was my own. I love her for sharing it with me.

[Jo Ann · Rating 2 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️
The first part of this book (“death” as the subtitle indicates) was about her husband’s sudden cancer diagnosis and quick demise, leaving the author alone with four children. I thought the “desire” part of the subtitle was something metaphysical…a desire for meaning, purpose of death, or something spiritual.

Instead it was about how the author’s infidelity in marriage continued into reckless one-night stands and open relationships, with both men and women once her husband was gone. When she talks about having a relationship she deserves, I couldn’t help but think that she was self-sabotaging any hope of a functional relationship. While the author makes the case for her sexual freedom, she doesn’t seem very happy as a result.

[Amber · Rating 1 out of 5]

She is such an unlikable person.

"How can I ever find someone who will like me now that I'm a widow!?"

Then the last 50% of the book... yes 50%... is how many people she is dating and having sex with. Yawn.

Not to mention, if she could find people to date WHILE she was married, I'm sure being a widow isn't going to stop anyone. It felt so fake when she included that. Like, she couldn't really be that dense.

It doesn't help that she talks about how much she hated her husband and how glad she was he died throughout the book. She was too cowardly to leave and his death made her life easy... Just a miserable person in general. Girl power my ass.

I hate that this was nonfiction.

[Christina · Rating 2 out of 5]

If a man wrote this about his dead wife, it would NEVER be published.

[Patrick · Rating 4 out of 5]

“What if we all spoke truthfully about our feelings and experiences? What if we weren’t afraid of being chastised for our humanity? What if, we felt safe enough to open the parts of ourselves we have been culturally conditioned to keep closed…”

Woolf’s own words describe the crux of her penetrating memoir about the complexities of the husband she had decided to leave receiving a terminal diagnoses and dying only four months later. Afterward, she discovers a freedom she had never before experienced and embarks on a journey of reconciliation and celebration of all that she is and has always been.

So much of experiences around grief, love, marriage, and relationships are built on public expectations that are in direct contrast to the reality of those situations. It was so refreshing to read an honest account of some pretty challenging subjects.

This book may not be for you. It may be triggering, uncomfortable, offensive, upsetting, or all of these things (I’d disagree with you, but that’s OK!). In some ways, it didn’t even feel like it was for me, because there’s a heavy emphasis on a sisterhood of women that I’m not part of - and that’s OK, too! But if you take nothing else from it, consider Woolf’s lesson of honesty to yourself and others as your souvenir. I don’t think you can ever go wrong there.

4+ stars!

[Bianca Rogers · Rating 4 out of 5]

All Of This by Rebecca Woolf hit all the hotspots that interest me in a great memoir. Rebecca is unapologetically herself and lets you in on what life was like for her prior, during and after her husband’s untimely death from pancreatic cancer.
As a woman, I connected with Rebecca’s journey to self discovery and sexuality. She pulls you in from the very first page of the introduction to the last page of the afterword.
With her complete transparency with her audience, I can foresee this memoir being polarizing for its readers. For me, I found it difficult to put this book down and wished for more, but isn’t that the beauty of life?

Thanks to NetGalley and Harper One for an ARC in exchange for my honest review.

[Elly · Rating 3 out of 5]

It feels vulnerable to read someone else’s truths, like this. Like you’re peeping at something you shouldn’t see, and I wonder how much of it is because of societies unwritten expectations, the ones that are in the air we breath in and assimilate, so when you read something as raw as this - the unashamed here-is-my-truth that is so contrary to façades that are expected… it feels vulnerable and powerful and a little woah.

Read it in two sittings, I picked it up with curiosity about a blogger I’ve followed for years, but also then as I got through it, the curiosity about death and grief and their unhappy marriage and their family, the behind the scenes realities, but as I read something morphed from the initial fascination, into being a witness to her truth.

Anyway, I felt all sorts of complexities and took moments of reflection, around marriages and relationships and death and grief. It’s one of those kind of books, hey. I wish I’d taken longer to read it, taken longer to absorb and consider, but hey ho. It’s messy but beautifully and unapologetically written.