How to Find the Right Words: A guide to delivering life's most awkward messages

by The School of Life

Twenty scenarios explaining how to gently deliver a range of life's most difficult messages while causing minimal harm.

Life constantly requires us to give other people some hugely awkward messages: that we don't love them anymore; that we do love them (though we're not meant to); that they smell a bit; that they're fired; that we're furious with them (though we adore them) or that their music is too loud...

Often, out of embarrassment, we just stay quiet. Occasionally we explode. And typically, we stumble about, looking for the right words - dreading that we didn't find them and thereby causing more hurt than we should. This is a book to help us locate the best possible words to get across a range of life's most difficult messages. With twenty case studies drawn from relationships, friendships, work, our families and service situations, we are gently shown what we might - in an ideal world - find ourselves saying to make our intentions known while causing minimal harm.

We are guided, among other topics, to how best to end a relationship, how to make it up with a child and how gently to let down a friend who wants more. We laugh, we recognise our

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Philosophy, Communication

76 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 4, 2021

About the author

The School of Life is a global organisation helping people lead more fulfilled lives.

We believe that the journey to finding fulfilment begins with self-knowledge. It is only when we have a sense of who we really are that we can make reliable decisions, particularly around love and work.

Sadly, tools and techniques for developing self-knowledge and finding fulfilment are hard to find – they’re not taught in schools, in universities, or in workplaces. Too many of us go through life without ever really understanding what’s going on in the recesses of our minds.

That’s why we created The School of Life; a resource for helping us understand ourselves, for improving our relationships, our careers and our social lives - as well as for helping us find calm and get more out of our leisure hours. We do this through films, workshops, books and gifts - as well as through a warm and supportive community.

Reviews

[Rira · Rating 4 out of 5]

آلن دو باتن، یکی از بهتریناست
چون با خوندن کتاباش احساس میکنی رفیق صمیمیت نشسته جلوت و خیلی راحت و صمیمی داره باهات صحبت میکنه
نه اغراقی
نه ادایی
و نه کلمات نامفهومی :)
این کتابش رو حتما بخونید

[Sarah Far · Rating 3 out of 5]

عنوان فارسی:
چگونه کلمات مناسب را کشف کنیم، راهنمایی برای انتقال دشوارترین پیام‌ها در زندگی
از نشر لگا
کتاب خوبیه اما در ایران کمتر مورد استفاده قرار میگیره چون درک و تفکر جمعی تقریباً یکسانی به‌دلیل نبودِ آموزش ندیدیم.
اگه بخوایم دستورالعمل‌هایی که آلن دوباتن گفته رو اجرا کنیم خیلیا از دست ما ناراحت میشن و یا فکر می‌کنند کلاس میذاریم و یا خیلی ادعامون میشه...
در حالیکه رفتار درست و صدالبته منطقی همینه..‌.
اما خب به همون دلیلی که بالا گفتم نمیشه در تمام موقعیت‌ها بخصوص در شرایط جامعه‌ی کنونی ما انجام داد...

اما با این‌حال خووندنش رو به همه توصیه می‌کنم تا حداقل کمبود آموزش رو از کتاب‌ها برداشت کنیم و یاد بگیریم چگونه بهتر حرف بزنیم و عمل کنیم!

[Kay-Leigh · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is what it says it is, and yet I was left unimpressed.

Each chapter is literally one difficult situation or another and how to say the difficult thing. However, I can't figure out who the audience is. If a person was able to apply such a stale script to such awkward and emotionally charged situations, I doubt they would go looking for a book on what to say.

I think the author(s) did not investigate the emotional and psychological reasons why such tough conversations would need to be had. Why would someone stay in an awful relationship and not leave? Giving them a script is not going to break the manipulative or co-dependent grip of the relationship.

The first chapter is about how to tell your partner that you're into weird sex stuff. The second chapter is about making friends as an adult... and maybe a robot. Then they offer scenarios at work and end the book with a few chapters on how to tell your family to take a hike. I'm being facetious, but the book did not offer much of real value in my opinion.

[Nandita Damaraju · Rating 4 out of 5]

Alain Botton wrote one of my favorite books that I read last year called "The Course on Love". So, I've been picking up more books written by him and his foundation, The School of Life, in the hopes of finding something similar. These are easy reads, they do not contain any big revelations, but are more like thoughtful reminders with a hint of humor and philosophy. This book has 20 difficult situations and examples of how to handle them tactfully using the right words. Rating this one 3.5, because there was nothing out of the ordinary but I needed to hear some of them.

[Ursula · Rating 2 out of 5]

Title? Snappy.
Scenarios? Intriguing.
Introduction? Quite persuasive.
Content? Meh.

Unless you're a dramatic overthinker who constantly replays wild scenarios in your head, this book might not be worth your time. While the aim is to equip readers with a framework for effective communication in tricky situations, such as breakups, friendship forging, or firing someone, the excessive use of convoluted language makes the intended points somewhat unclear. It's reminiscent of the saying “someone who says nothing with so many words.”

This approach doesn't seek to make you understand but rather to leave you confused. Personally, I'd rather spend my time reading more engaging and practical books on communication.

[Graeme · Rating 5 out of 5]

A small book but with some very good advice. We all need help in delivering difficult messages, or in finding more subtle and socially acceptable ways to avoid the direct route.

[Thangible · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid! a practical book on casual dilopmacy, to anyone who tries to be kind but also stay genuine.

[Ngan · Rating 5 out of 5]

note to self: found this at a bookstore and read it in the bookstore. the idea of the book makes my heart melt <# the chapter about how to say ily to friends is the best

[Nathan De · Rating 2 out of 5]

An original format with actual scripts on what to say in 20 difficult conversations in the frame of relationships, friendships, families, with strangers or at work. The premise is also promising and in line with other communication books, like Crucial Conversations, that say there is a third and preferred option then to just stay quit or to offend when you speak your mind, i.e. to choose your words wisely and use a bit of diplomacy. Too bad, that the book just gives you the scripts with some narration, but not really an overarching framework with principles and tools on how to apply this in every scenario. Better to teach how to fish than give 20 fish...

[Mary · Rating 3 out of 5]

(ARC kindly provided by the publisher through NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.)
I was really excited to dive into this one as someone who struggles with social anxiety and not knowing how to act/ what to say. Overall, I liked how the book was organized and the simple language it used. Because of the way the chapters and subheadings were laid out, I feel like this is the kind of book you can go back to for reference later on. I also really appreciated that it not only offered general advice, but it also gave example sentences of how you would actually say it/ phrase it to another person. As for the actual content, I found some of the advice more helpful than others. (Although to be fair, not all of it is applicable to my life anyways). I just mean that at times, it presented how someone would react to a statement and I don’t think I’d react that way if the roles were reversed.
An example of something that really stuck a chord with me personally was the advice on how to reject someone. I’ve had a lot of trouble with this in the past because I hate the idea that I’m hurting someone’s feelings. But this helped reaffirm that not being clear with my feelings isn’t the kind thing to do. Both ways end in hurt, but one is considerably less.

[Bob Hughes · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a short collection of common awkward situations (they range from telling someone you are not interested, to owning up to being in the wrong, and even talking to your partner about fantasies of yours), along with some ways to frame the conversation that remind the person you are speaking to that you value, respect and acknowledge them.

While on the surface that can sound a bit airy, I think that they are handled well, especially when you consider some of the subject matter (i.e. firing someone) where the book reminds you that it is also horrible to be the person doing the firing, and therefore finding ways in saying it that you acknowledge that the honesty of the statement is doing you both a favour.

As someone who has followed The School of Life's YouTube page, and a bit of founder Alain de Botton's work in the past, this book did not feel that new to me, and felt instead like a slightly extended YouTube video or article. It does not go too deep into these questions, but is at least a nice little companion book to hopefully making the world a slightly nicer place.

Thank you to Net Galley for providing me with an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review.

[Shinemoos · Rating 3 out of 5]

The introduction is really great: being diplomatic, white lie a little bit sometimes protects a bigger truth. Being frank bluntly often only protects one’s own truth, and it’s not fair to the people you care about, or who care about you deeply.
It’s interesting to read at first, as the explanations speak of common misconceptions that stop us from being frank and direct. For example, when saying “we are just friends” and “breaking up”, it’s actually more beneficial to the other person because you are not wasting their time or give them false hope that they can argue and change your mind. The best is to be “something of a shit”. However, other cases are just irrelevant to me. If there is already such big miscommunication in a relationship (friendship, marriage, anything), one or both the parties probably seriously lack awareness, or simply have no courage to face the truth. Then these suggestions wouldn’t be of too much help. Also part of the rationales sound really arbitrary and too generalized. But the book does remind me that the world will be so much better if people keep open communication, be direct, don’t take everything personally, and are aware and alert and reflective.

[Amir · Rating 2 out of 5]

راه حل مواجهه با حسادت درک این نکته است که آدم واقعاً مایل به تصاحب زندگی فردی دیگران نیست؛ بلکه فقط مایل است چند تغییر مؤثر در زندگی خود ایجاد کند. بهتر است به جای سرکوب حسادت خود تمام تلاشمان را برای تجزیه و تحلیل آن به کار ببریم. تک تک افرادی که به آن‌ها حسادت می‌ورزیم تکه‌ای از پازل آینده‌ی احتمالی ما را در اختیار دارند. پرتره‌ای از «خود واقعی» ما وجود دارد که باید با دردهای حسادت خود سرَ همش کنیم. باید با آرامش از تمام کسانی که به آن‌ها حسادت می‌کنیم سؤالی اساسی و نجات‌بخش بپرسیم: « از این موقعیت چه می‌توانم بیاموزم؟»

[Sean · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book for everybody. We have all found ourselves in situations where we just cannot find the right words. We've been in relationships, wondering whether our loved ones still love us, wondering whether our friends still want to be our friends anymore. We've all screwed up at work at least once if not a million times, and we sure as heck have all had some really weird encounters with strangers.

But how do we find the right words to deal with those situations? Picking up this book is a good place to start.

Full review: https://www.avocadodiaries.com/2021/0...

[Eliz DL · Rating 1 out of 5]

It was not what I thought it would be. I thought I'd learn mechanisms of how to find the right words, perhaps on how to structure a discourse based on certain circumstances...but the book takes a topic and then images a very specific and often times very narrow conversation and then just tells you what to say.
Particularly about the cheating topic I was quite surprised of how they managed to add in there a bit of guilt tripping on the other part- and again, none of the scenarios presented would have just one answer.
Apart from maybe one or two points and analogies, didn't get much from it.

[Nadja · Rating 1 out of 5]

I love the school of life but this was utter bullshit

[Akhil Jain · Rating 4 out of 5]

My fav quotes (not a review):
"This might seem like a small thing to bring up, but you need to know that when you …. [insert issue, large or substantial: flirted at dinner/were absent for two days without saying where you were going/were sullen throughout the meal/abandoned your towel on the floor/didn’t take my hand in bed] it left me sad and a little angry."
"I’ll be a penitent as long as you want me to be, I’ll say sorry as long as you ask me to, but what we really require to make our relationship work from here isn’t – I feel – guilt alone. It’s a chance to address the issues we’ve been sweeping under the rug for too long: why we’re angry with each other, how we’ve disappointed each other, the resentments we’ve been harbouring too quietly on each side. I’m not trying to ignore what’s happened, I just want to address why it happened. And that’s not out of cowardice, it’s out of a sincere wish that we don’t ever find ourselves in this position again."
"ii. A technical explanation for the screw-up One reason I messed up was because the systems I’m working with meant that..."
"Sorry to be a bore, I’m sure you don’t realise but the back of your seat is squashing against my knees."
"Apologies for interrupting, I can’t help overhearing more of your conversation than I should."
"I rather love this song as well, but at the moment, I need to get some sleep."
"I know it’s not your fault, but a fly does seem to have entangled itself in the minestrone."

[chasingholden · Rating 4 out of 5]

Do you ever find yourself in an awkward situation, internally panicking trying to figure out the best way to handle it? Do you care about making the right impression, or handling tough situations gently and with the best results?

This is a cute short read offering many suggestions to how to get around the awkward situations that are unavoidable in life. They are bound to happen at one point or another, don't get caught off guard! This book will help you tackle these situations with grace and confidence.

I can especially see this book being useful for shy introverts who may feel embarrassed and put on the spot, though it is also suggested for extroverts; we can all benefit from a refreshing crash course every now in then.

Though its an easy read, its provides great tools that you could use again and again. This book is simple and to the point when it comes to providing examples and suggestions of how to handle yourself, and while its not perfect, it is a must read for persons of all ages.

Thank you to netgalley and the publishers for providing me with an advanced copy in exchange for my honest review.

[chasingholden · Rating 4 out of 5]

Do you ever find yourself in an awkward situation, internally panicking trying to figure out the best way to handle it? Do you care about making the right impression, or handling tough situations gently and with the best results?

This is a cute short read offering many suggestions to how to get around the awkward situations that are unavoidable in life. They are bound to happen at one point or another, don't get caught off guard! This book will help you tackle these situations with grace and confidence.

I can especially see this book being useful for shy introverts who may feel embarrassed and put on the spot, though it is also suggested for extroverts; we can all benefit from a refreshing crash course every now in then.

Though its an easy read, its provides great tools that you could use again and again. This book is simple and to the point when it comes to providing examples and suggestions of how to handle yourself, and while its not perfect, it is a must read for persons of all ages.

Thank you to netgalley and the publishers for providing me with an advanced copy in exchange for my honest review.

[Tiesha Louise · Rating 4 out of 5]

Whether we’re talking to our significant other, friends, family, work colleagues or strangers crossing our paths, we rarely have a tactful approach, nor the right words to express ourselves fully or deescalate a situation when we’re off in the deep end.

How To Find The Right Words addressed some of the most awkward situations from I just want us to be friends to I’ve screwed up at work with accompanying conversation prompts to help you tactfully navigate these situations with minimal harm.

Unless you have photographic memory it’s unlikely you’ll remember the script word for word and that’s where the bulk of the value in the book reveals itself. In its teachings of diplomacy, kindness and understanding of the human experience. For when we have a greater understanding of ourselves and the other person we can have the conversations we dread without destroying our sanity or the relationship - and that’s game-changing.

Fingers crossed we get another (longer) edition, with more awkward conversation questions and their prospective answers.

[Tina · Rating 3 out of 5]

cute little book, though I felt a bit underwhelmed. The situations they picked are not necessarily as tricky to find the right words for, or not as awkward as the subtitle suggested. Also i think there are some missing opportunities to address: a) why people find it hard to say the right words when they seem fairly obvious, and b) the potential consequences or risks associated with saying these "right" words.

That said, I did appreciate the humor and fancy english words i don't know. I also liked the chapters on work, especially how they explained the double bind of showing up at work, having to both care and not care simultaneously. that we need to "make peace with the delicate compromises and hypocrisies of professional existence."

"Some of what makes office life awkward is that it asks us to tread a fine line between being, on the one hand, efficient and focused and, on the other, genial and human. We mustn't appear robotic, but nor should we gush naively in a boundary-less way."

[fenty anggreta · Rating 2 out of 5]

aku belum pernah ketemu orang yang lebih overthinking daripada penulis buku ini (padahal aku sudah termasuk dalam hitungan 🤣☠️) tadinya aku mau tulis di review ini segala hal yang aku pertanyakan kepada penulisnya, tapi kalau itu kulakukan, nanti aku jadi orang yang boring & kebanyakan teori juga kayak dia, karena ada BANYAKKK keanehan yang kutemukan, annotationku isinya cuma umpatan & tanda tanya & tanda seru & gambar tengkorak.

buku ini membosankan sekali buat aku. padahal cuma 92 halaman, tapi rasanya aku seperti harus baca buku 920 halaman. bayangkan jadi orang yang harus dengerin setiap “right word” yang dia tulis di buku ini 😪😴☠️🪦

aku nggak tau buku ini dia tulis untuk siapa, karena aku nggak bisa membayangkan ada orang bicara seperti ini ke orang lain. aku bahkan berani menuduh penulis nggak bisa membedakan apa saja hal yang semestinya disampaikan dengan jelas, atau tidak perlu disampaikan sama sekali.

sayang sekali eksekusinya begini, padahal premisnya menarik.

[Kathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are times when we all are faced with difficult situations that put us at a loss for words. Something must be said, but what? How do we best deliver a message that is awkward for all involved?

This short book gives 20 very realistic scenarios and suggestions on how best to address them. I found it to be very insightful, practical, and helpful. It's a book that would make a fine addition to your library as it's one you'll want to refer to again and again as new awkward situations arise in your life.

My sincere thanks to NetGalley and The School of Life for allowing me to read a copy of this book. All opinions expressed in this review are my own and are freely given.

[Tamara · Rating 5 out of 5]

An insightful book full of practical advice on how to approach the difficult conversations we have to face in all aspects of life. Covering personal relationships, parenting, broaching difficult work scenarios, and the various awkward day-to-day situations we often encounter, this book gives pointers for framing the conversation to convey your message in the most effective way.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

[Daniela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you, The School of Life, for the therapy you are providing through your books.

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.
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"There’ll come a time when you’ll have to force yourself to make an appointment to see the radiologist; you’ll have to accept the dreadful verdict though it will obviously be idiotic that your life, your dazzling inner existence, your sheer loveliness and beauty and your delight in seeing the sky and the trees will all come to an end in this senseless, strange, amazing and exhilarating world."

[Clicky Steve · Rating 1 out of 5]

The best thing about this book was that it was short. I thought this was going to be a thoughtful guide on how to approach difficult interactions. Instead, it was a collection of disconnected, disorganised scenarios which provided dialogue that no real human being would ever say. There were a couple of moments that gave some worthy insight, but these were fleeting. This seems like a good idea, badly executed.

[Alisina Fakhraei · Rating 3 out of 5]

Awkward Scripts | Review of How to Find the Right Words

This book opens the door to those tricky situations we all dread, offering ready-made phrases for life’s most awkward moments. It’s helpful for quick inspiration, but the format feels too much like a cheat sheet—more “repeat after me” than “learn the skill.” I wish it dug deeper into how to actually craft your own words, not just hand you a script.

If only awkward chats came with a teleprompter, I’d ace every family dinner.

[Timothy Barr · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was granted a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review by Netgalley. This was a short, but very helpful book for people who are helping others through grief and situations. In a world where people are not accustomed to helping one another through trauma, this book will be a large help to both the grieving and their help. Highly recommend.

[Lauren Carruthers · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is more or less a ronseal job in that it announces plainly what it's about....and then states that case just as plainly throughout the book.

There's no frills in this one. It's a helpful enough read, although dry, and some of the examples given struck me as a bit strange. Does contain some helpful nuggets though, especially around diplomacy.

[Book Guy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best comedy i have ever read, i find the part where it told me how to ask someone if they had a good weekend particularly funny. Additionally, I can truly take the advice on gas-lighting partners after i have been caught cheating to heart as i have many frequent affairs.