Spoilers ahoy!
The Haunting of Ashburn house is about a braindead woman named Adrienne who cannot adult. She inherits a bust up mansion in the middle of bumf*** nowhere. There *is* a ghost, as it turns out, but that's not what wants to kill her. In the woods her murderous zombie great aunt - who is decidedly smarter than she is - waits for her to let her guard down. Instead of doing anything useful at all, she cowers in the house until she finds a letter from her other great aunt (the friendly ghost) basically telling her exactly what she has to do.
Also there's a cat.
Usually I'd be happy to say that even though the story didn't interest me, I can see why it interests others. 'Horror' is very subjective... but in the case of this book I genuinely cannot understand the plethora of five star ratings across the board. I bought it on the strength of those reviews but quickly realised I had made a grave error.
Grave, d'ya geddit...
I did finish it, but only because it was quite expensive for a second hand book.
Pros and cons!
Good stuff:
1. I was genuinely creeped out when the zombie is crouched and waiting for Adrienne on the roof like the world’s scariest pigeon. It was a little, thrilling, unexpected ‘oh no’ moment. Likewise, when Adrienne is in the basement in the dark and can hear the clicking of the corpses bones as it shambles about, only to discover it’s in the rafters waiting to jump on her -that was good.
2. The angry undead is fairly common in books and films, but you're not sure what the rules are in this one... not knowing makes it scarier because you don't know what laws it has to abide by.
... and that's about it.
Bad stuff:
1. The writing was genuinely poor. It was all over the place, badly paced, and sometimes insensible.
For at least the first half of the book it was as if she were picking every 20th word and replacing it with an alternative from The Big Thesaurus. The end result was lots of oddness that didn't fit the rest of the narrative and sounded forced.
For example, Adrienne is making tea, and because she’s already said ‘tea cup’ twice, she opts for ‘delicate floral beaker’ the next. Ew.
Time and pacing meanders all over the show. It takes hours to make cups of noodles or look around one attic room. Then the protagonist is always getting caught at sunset, or not having enough hours in the day, which is bizarre because she does NOTHING.
We're constantly alerted to the time: 'it was about four' 'from the rays of the sun she guessed it was mid morning' 'it was just after five' 'the grandfather clock struck three' 'the shadows meant it was early evening' and so on and so on. Maybe this is meant to move the story along but it just bludgeons you over the head with how much hasn’t really happened.
There are many dull, pointless paragraphs, written in 50 words where a simple sentence will do, such as how she can't charge her laptop or how she makes tea or the 10,000 fires she builds. There is no impetus, no urgency. Zombie can wait, I guess.
In amongst this generally strange and choppy narrative, the author drops an extra clunker every now and then.
For example:
'It was a dark shade, not quite slate but deeper than a midtone. A hint of light still came through it, but it was dim enough that she still felt submerged in twilight.'
Fffff...What? Thanks for that vague, rambling and lukewarm description. It’s really set the mood...
The other descriptions and adjectives are overused and underwhelming.
Eg:
-- The cat is continually referred to as 'the grey beast' in the first few chapters, until that’s suddenly dropped because I guess she got bored, idk.
-- Everything (EVERYTHING) groans. I think this word is used about 50 times, no exaggeration. The boards groan, the walls groan, the wind groans, the trees groan, I groaned...
-- Dear god, the amount of times she inhales and exhales, I could not even ... I had to put the book down at one point and do some sighing of my own whilst pinching the bridge of my nose to stop my impending brain aneurysm. It was beyond ridiculous.
- Ah, god, the word 'sanitised'. It's used once and then suddenly becomes the word of the day.
-- The sun set on the trees or over the trees or the sun was about to reach the trees... there are so many ways to describe a sunset. Feel free to mix it up a little.
-- There is no red colour in this book that is not described as 'wine-red' (c'mon, you find three different words for cup but you only use wine red? Carmine, burgundy, claret, crimson, scarlet, ruby, vermilion, garnet, cherry, berry, blood...)
-- WHY IS EVERYONE SCRUNCHING UP THEIR FACE?
*inhales sharply* *exhales in shock*
2. Various things in the book strike me as generally odd.
Eg:
-- The house is unoccupied for three months, yet the grandfather clock goes on ticking. Is it even giving her the right time if it hasn't been wound for so long? No wonder she's always getting caught out at night ...
-- Because of the three month period, there's a fridge full of rotted veg and meat. Why wasn't this removed before she came in? I mean... are there not people that do that? If not, surely the first thing you do is get rid of that stuff? She just shuts the fridge like, nah ...
-- The blessed cat is bought food but no litter tray or litter. There is no mention of an already existing litter tray being unpacked from Adrienne's suitcase. Is the cat just shitting all over the place? Is Adrienne carefully creeping about her cat's haphazard piles of faeces throughout? Does the house reek of unattended cat piss?
-- The sun has barely set but the moon and stars are already out. She's concerned there's no bird song when its pitch black outside. She plans to be back downstairs before the sun sets and then suddenly its night and she's still up there. She mentions Marion, who gets lost in the woods and is found in a clearing, must be cold from wandering so far. Later, the clearing is described as less than a minute from the house. The atmosphere and surroundings are disjointed to say the least.
3. My biggest gripe is the way the character was written. I have to connect with protagonists to enjoy the plot (or if not precisely with them, at least with their wily accomplices or the dastardly villain). I don't always necessarily need to like them, but they have to be engaging.
Adrianne is a potato. She has no personality. She has less wit than a ham sandwich. She's hardly even a real person, she does nothing real people would do, and I cannot fathom the choices she makes.
Examples:
-- I've never been left a crumbling mansion by an elderly relative I didn't know existed, so I can't say I know the finer details, but I'd be sure as hell to ask about that relative, where they were buried, what they died of, and all the rest of it. Surely the solicitor would have some information for me as well. Adrienne rocks up to the house without the faintest clue. She has to ask random townspeople how her great Aunt perished and she never asks where she was buried so she can pop to the grave to give an appreciative bunch of flowers.
-- Having been given this big house, Adrienne goes there immediately with her few worldly possessions. She's shocked how much the taxi fare is, shocked how far the house is from the town, and just shocked in general. Mate, did you not bring that house up in Google Maps as soon as you found it was yours? Do a cheeky route checker to see how far it was and how much it'd cost? No? Okeedokee then.
-- Adrienne has a small amount of money in her purse, most of which goes to pay the taxi driver. There's nothing in her bank account. But she leaves her situation (sharing with a friend, sleeping on their sofa - not ideal but at least safe and cheap) to run right to this old house without the foggiest idea of how she's going to pay for the electricity. gas, heating, water, etc... It doesn't even cross her mind. She walks in, turns the lights, and thinks, 'oh good, the powers on.' Not 'ah, the powers on, whose name is the utility bill in, and where do I have to pay it?' I'm sorry but as a grown ass woman that should be the first thing you sort.
-- Adrienne freelances as a writer. We're never told what she writes, what her interests are, what drives her ... nothing. Apart from the fact that she does write, we know nothing about her passions. We know her mother was ill before she died and that Adrienne took care of her but we’re offered no insight into their relationship or how this shaped Adrienne or anything else.
-- She seems to have a bad case of social anxiety. When driving into town she immediately assumes the women she passes are laughing at her and later, when a group of women come to visit her, she has a panic attack, hopping around hyperventilating (sorry, INHALING) over the possible ills this group of people may wish on her. Now, if this is truly the way she thinks, then I want to know why. It would give another layer to her character.
-- On the flip side, every person she encounters in town is a potential best friend. She goes gooey eyed at the cheerful receptionist, just because she's nice to her. Again, exploring this would give us a better idea of Adrienne - why is she so paranoid and needy and desperate? It almost draws a parallel to Eleanor in The Haunting of Hill House. She has to look after her mother as well, and it makes her broody and unused to company. Her mental deterioration is due in part to her lack of ability to interact naturally with anyone. If this was explored with Adrienne it might have made me warm to her.
-- She moves into a house that is dirty with disuse. There are many comments about the rotting food in the fridge, the grimy windows, the dirt making the light bulbs dim, etc ... I don’t know about you, but if I moved into somewhere that was a bit nasty I would want to sort it out. I would not want to wallow in the filth for four days without even cleaning a window.
-- This is her house. Granted, she might feel a bit weirded out by its grandeur, but it is HER house. Instead of being normal and having a look around, poking into cubby holes, inventorying the heirlooms, deciding what kind of wallpaper she wants etc, she reverently sneaks about trying not to disturb anything. Why? You didn’t even know the woman you inherited it from and it’s YOUR house. Change what you don’t like.
-- She moans that the house offers no distractions, and she's bored and scared. Umm. Clean the shit out the fridge. Wash the windows. Scrub the kitchen. Check the cupboards for old and interesting antiques. Rearrange the furniture. Plan new fittings and colours (even if you can't afford it, this is the most fun part of getting a new house). There's a big bookshelf of classics in the lounge, why not read them by the fire? Is the house boring because, perhaps, she is boring?
-- She falls over. A lot.
-- She's obsessed with her cat. She splurges on treats for him and buys instant noodles for herself. I know people get this way about their pets, but when you have twenty dollars to your name it’s time to think rationally.
-- She uses said 20 dollars to buy food and such. 20 dollars equates to about £16 here in England. You could get a loaf of bread, a tub of spread, a pack of ham and cheese, a whole chicken, some instant coffee, eggs, bag of potatoes, etc ... you know, stuff that's going to last you and is a bit wholesome. Instead she buys lentils she never eats and pack after pack of instant noodles which taste terrible and have very little nutritional value. It’s like she has the brain of a child. When a friendly neighbour gives her a basket of food she promptly uses most of it to make a cake FOR SOMEONE ELSE.
-- She knows full well that the zombie is prowling. Even before she's aware it’s a zombie, she realises there's something fishy going on. She's apparently hyper aware. But for some reason - oopsie - she leaves the attic window open. Urgh. I mentioned earlier that the good points of this book are when the zombie appears in a frightening manner, much closer than expected. This works well the first two times (on the roof and in the basement). Then this suspense is murdered by using it a third time (Adrienne is in the attic trying to light the candle and she wonders why the zombie isn't coming up the stairs, only to find out -SHOCKED INHALATION - that it’s got in through the unlocked window ...)
-- This is the one I can't forgive. Adrienne finds a 'generations worth' of candles in the attic. Later, the zombie somehow renders her electricity useless and the house is plunged into darkness several nights in a row. She huddles in one room with a single lamp, wishing, hoping, praying, longing for more light. BITCH THERE ARE A THOUSAND CANDLES UPSTAIRS... I kid you not, it’s something like page 310 of 340 when she realises she can use the attic candles...
-- She’s a helpless idiot. Food is brought to her. At the end of the book, everything gets cleaned... BY OTHER PEOPLE. Oh my god. I was just waiting for her to die of stupidity.
4. The ending, oohhh lordy, the ending.
Adrienne: well I’m in the basement and the door to the outside is open, meaning my cat can get out and the zombie can get in, and its dark and I’m terrified, and a moment ago I was rushing, but I’ve just found this interesting letter that appears to have fallen from the cracks in the floor above, so I better stop to hunker down and read this right away...
Who does that?
Anyway, this letter is from her Aunt Edith explaining that her wicked sister Eleanor is the zombie, the person who killed the entire family all those years ago, and that special instructions need to be followed to prevent her from rising from her grave...
Had to pause here to 'wtf' at the explanation for her being a zombie. She’s a reincarnated magic woman with special powers, but only the powers she believes in at the time work, and even though she’s dead she can come back because she gains extra years from the people she kills? When did you bang that together? Why is this not further explored?
Also, I do not – and never will – buy the whole ‘THIS WAS ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING, IF YOU HAD READ THIS BIG LETTER EXPLAINING ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING THEN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE’. No. No thank you.
Then the cat basically saves the day and Adrienne manages to kill the zombie – but not without the help of her ghostly Aunt because Christ knows she can’t do a thing for herself.
Later she settles down in the living room and reads a book aloud for her ghost Aunt and you're left wondering things like, why did she never call the friend she stayed with, why did she assume it was Edith's grave in the clearing when she had just read an article about the secret sister's original grave being broken into, why didn't Adrienne start applying for better jobs once her mother had passed away, why doesn't she open some of the rooms as a boarding house, why did I spend £10 on this...