Bloodletting: A Memoir of Secrets, Self-Harm, and Survival

by Victoria Leatham

On the outside, she appears to have it all. She's creative, beautiful, confident. But inside Victoria Leatham struggles with silent, secret, and unbearable pain. In her late teens, Leatham is struck with an undeniable urge to cut herself. Oddly, the wounds she inflicts on herself mute the pain she feels inside.

This memoir, a darkly humorous and often chilling account, vividly details Leatham's ordeal and reveals her most intimate thoughts as she struggles with cutting and a range of other psychological problems including eating disorders, sexual promiscuity, substance abuse, and bipolar disorder. And finally, it describes her discovery of the psychological secret that helps her escape from this spiral of self-destruction.

Genres: Memoir, Mental Health, Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Illness, Biography, Biography Memoir

224 pages, Paperback

First published March 1, 2004

Reviews

[Ilze · Rating 4 out of 5]

Taking into consideration the other comments on this book (on GR), one needs to understand that unless you've been there, the book will mean little to you. If anything, here's a lesson in keeping secrets: Just don't do it. Secrets are harmful.

The book must've been hell to write, because it meant going back on old details which are often better forgotten - so hats off to Leatham! Another (related) aspect, is that although one might be aware of her thoughts, she does focus on the actions: the reader knows (or maybe I was aware of it) that details have been omitted. For her to have moved and moved and moved and possibly been drunk or slept with someone, are details that are glossed over in order to focus on the self mutilation. I accept the possibility that "outsiders" to this phenomenon are horrified by the act and that Leatham really seems to have had a real go at herself (needing stitches, etc.). It's possible that this aspect had to be the focus in order for the publisher to be convinced to accept the manuscript. Self mutilation is not an act in and of itself. It's but one symptom in a web of others that make up depression (I believe anorexia is also a sub-category of depression, as is insomnia). So, Leatham might've chosen it as the "be all and end all" of her stay in mental institutions and seeing psychiatrists, but it flows from deeper things. Things that she only starts discussing in the final quarter of the book, i.e. the power of the mind and cognitive behaviour therapy. Let's face it: why did she take so many precautions during the act? We're talking clean blades, towels close at hand and she was also checking that there was a doctor, friend or other kind of help nearby. Suicide never entered her mind, nor that it was the clichéd 'cry for help'. This was an act in self protection because her thoughts were driving her up the wall. In order to end that torment and be more comfortable, she gave in. This is something that a lot of her psychiatrists seemed to have missed - she wanted to live happily and this was just a strange way of finding the answer. Once she realized that happiness is not equal to cutting, things changed.

That said, depression is akin to diabetes in the sense that one needs an anti-depressant/insulin to function normally. As long as the individual is able to admit that it's self hurting self as opposed to "some force" invading the self (or as Leatham repeatedly states, "this 'thing' happening to me - no, it's you doing it actively), the road to recovery is short.

[Sarah Stirrup · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just received this book today. I starting reading it at 11pm and finished it at about 2am. It was a truly gripping book that I could not put down. Leatham has really written the book amazingly. I connected with her and wished that all these horrible events didn't have to happen to her. As someone who suffers from self harm, I could really relate to her.

Reading some of the reviews made me quite angry. The only thing stopping me from commenting on one of the ruder ones was the fact it was written almost four years ago. I feel this book is probably one of the best on this topic. You see so many American novels that make having depression cool. None of those delve deep into it, they all just say, I'm a sad teen, wah wah. "Bloodletting" delves deeper into the topic of mental illness and since it's a memoir, not a made-up novel, does pretty well at it. You know that Leatham had to go through tough times throughout most of her life and you don't think it's something cool. You know it's an illness.

I wished the end of the book wasn't so unclear. I wanted everything to be amazing for her. Of course it can't be. It's a summary of her mental illness, and well, mental illnesses never really go away.

This was a very well written book and a really clear insight into why she self harmed and why other people would. It's another book that pushes down the taboo of mental health, without making it sound like a 'cool' thing to have.

[Vanessa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got interested in this topic while re-watching the movie Secretary. This was the only memoir I could find about it. The author mentions both of these things in the story and has interesting thoughts about them.

Victoria Leatham is a pseudonym for the author, an Australian woman who struggled with Bipolar Disorder for years. As a teen she suffered from Anorexia which turned into cutting in her early 20's (despite all of this she managed to get her Masters in English.) I really like the way Leatham attempts to describe the reason for self-harm, acknowledging that it goes against our basest evolutionary instincts. Essentially, as I read it, the immediacy of physical pain and the physiological response to it distracts from more amorphous and difficult to tackle issues. Leatham also felt she should punish herself for imagined failures and faults. It took her over 10 years to find a doctor who could treat her problem and she was misdiagnosed at different points as a schizophrenic and religious hysteric. She also was prescribed an anti-psychotic for an off-label use which caused an episode of dystonia that put her in the emergency room.

I really admire how honest the author was about her self mutilation, particularly since its a disorder that thrives on secrecy. What I did find disorienting is that she talks about her whole life up to the age of 18 in a 2 page prologue so most of her formative years remain elusive and when she references events and friends from her childhood in "Remember when" sort of way, you want to gently remind her that she never had mentioned these things the first time. Also, while she is exceedingly honest, she seems emotionally remote for much of the narrative. That changes near the end as she enters the mental hospital that will finally be successful in providing her with some relief and effective treatment. I'm not sure if the remoteness then is a stylistic choice or the only way that the author is able to re-examine that difficult time period.

This book was a three star read for me until the last 50 pages where it got better. Which was not surprisingly where Leatham felt real and present in the narrative. At that point, her insights were so compassionate and practical for anyone dealing with a myriad of mental wellness issues and the story of why she chose to share her story so moving, I had to add another star. Prozac Nation is to me the best of this type of memoir but this book is quite good and insightful as well.

[Michael Thompson · Rating 3 out of 5]

interesting to read about this topic from the perspective of someone who’s not also a psychologist. nonetheless it was kind of repetitive and as far as memoirs go it isn’t the best. i’ll stick to my gal kay redfield jamison😍

[Sarah Jo · Rating 3 out of 5]

grimmig x
Maar wel 3 sterren, want autobiografie en ik voel me anders schuldig. Stel Victoria ziet mijn review :$

[Leila Hulsey · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very interesting story. Personal and at times deep, although it was very "journal like" reading. Felt repetitive without climax. Felt terrible for what she went through but this is not something I would read again.

[Nynke · Rating 3 out of 5]

Victoria was very lucky to have access to such good quality medical care and the support of many lovely friends. That makes this book a lot easier to read than I thought it would be. It also made me feel quite envious.

[Kristen Hungness Hedman · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is very good. It's sad and very informative. The author breaks my heart through the whole book.

[Suge · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book tells an interesting story, a story that people rarely want to discuss. This memoir discusses a lady's journey's through mental illness and self harm and how she came out above it. It's an interesting read but for those who engage in self harm (myself included) some of the images talked about might act as a trigger. It's helpful to try to work through that while reading this, as I have. I enjoyed the story telling but towards the end, I got bored and started to lose interest in her story. It's not that the story lost flavor, I was intrigued on how she came through it, I just think the writing got a little stale. Otherwise, this book is a source of inspiration to those who have encountered self harm and suffer with mental illness. It doesn't have to be the kind of taboo that society has us think it is. If people can openly talk about drug and alcohol addiction, then there's no reason why we can't talk about our addictions to pain, bleeding or needing to feel something different.

[Candace · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't normally do reviews on here but I noticed that not many had been written, and this book affected me so much that I felt compelled to write one. If you're reading this, then you probably already have a pretty good idea of what the book is about so I won't bother with the background.

The feeling I experienced while reading this that sticks out to me the most is "discomfort." Reading detailed information about her cutting herself caused a sick and panicky feeling; I've always had difficulty hearing or reading about people's experiences with needles or self-harm. Overall, however, the book was well worth the read. She points out at the end that there are not many memoirs written by people who self-harm, which makes this an important book for people having similar thoughts, feelings, actions, as well as family members and people who work in the mental health field.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an autobiography, and let's you inside the mind of a self-injurer. While every story is different, Victoria writes candidly, with dry humor, and in such a way that I can literally not put this book down, even though it was my second time reading it. Even though Victoria can't see how her thoughts are affecting her behaviour (and the graphic images that overwhelm her), as an outsider you can pick up on it. You can see other coping mechanisms as well.... like moving every time something gets bad. You can watch as Victoria finally finds sensible treatment, finally wants to get better, and finally begins to change how she thinks through cognitive behavioural therapy.

A compelling read! Want to read it again.

[Joel · Rating 3 out of 5]

think this is the fastest I’ve ever read a book! It was just so easy to read. Made me think of one of those trashy holiday books you buy at the airport before fucking off to Spain or Portugal. Some good bits to this but most of it just felt story like. The end was good though, especially the epilogue. Liked its ending message of “stick in there, it gets better”.

My complaint with this book is I feel it makes self harm palatable to a bourgeois audience. I think the reality of self harm is much messier and cannot really fit into the neatness of this books 236 pages. Still, it’s an important book given so little are wrote about self harm. This book was published in 2006, self harm, in 2024 is still very much a taboo issue, that’s quite disappointing to me.

[Renie · Rating 1 out of 5]

This bio about a woman who is a cutter, read more like a repetitive diary of an adolescent: I hate my life, cut, cut, move to a new place because that's the answer to everything, life is good, I hate my life, wanna cut, wanna cut, move to a new place, life is good, life sucks, wanna cut, wanna cut, cut, cut, impose on someone by moving in with them, etc. etc. IF you read this book, keep track of the multiple changes of residence/moods/plans. At least then this book might hold your attention.

[Naddie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think that overall there need to be more books about this subject. This book was not anything special to read once I got halfway through because I realized that the author's experiences seemed recycled. She handled things more or less the same the entire way through so I didn't find myself rooting for her progress or even expecting any.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book for what it was, a woman's struggle with self harm. I really think that anyone struggling with this issue should try this book, it does its job in making you feel like you are not alone.

[Sumayyah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I saw so much of myself in this book that it was very disturbing to me. I applaud Victoria Leatham for coming forward to discuss her problems openly. When people around you can only say "cheer up!" without realizing that there is a serious issue, where can you go and what can you do?

[Anastasia Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some of the reviews are triggering in and of themselves. I will say this: you will never like a book like this or understand a book such as this if you don't suffer from depression, bipolar, or self harm (or all three combined).

I've rated it five stars for obvious reasons given my review.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was interested in seeing a book written about self harm since there is so little written. Perhaps because I have discussed and read about this topic I found it did not have as many insightful points as I would have liked. A good beginning though

[Andrea Johnston · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a GREAT book.... I would only recommend it to people who have a mental illness/disorder thought for they are the only people who would truly understand this sort of book.

[Isaiah · Rating 4 out of 5]

To see more reviews check out MI Book Reviews.

Two things: I got a free copy of this book to review and I read this a week ago and I am still speechless. There is so much to say about this book, I have no real idea where to start.

I guess I will start with BDSM representation in the book, since that so often goes horribly wrong and goes into abuse territory really fast. This book had a great deal of consent and discussion before any sex happened with the main characters. It was even a general plot point that Denny and Nike were friends for years and got to know each others’ kinks well before they did anything at all. I liked that there was a great deal of variety of kinks that were discussed and used in the sex scenes that weren’t just basic bondage or blindfolds. However I hated that there was blood play shame in the book non-stop from Denny. He had a thing against HIV, but did not mention any other STD. The kink community is much more aware of other STDs and STIs for the most part because of what some of the kinks can entail.

I also didn’t like that the Denny said really transphobic things. There was no need to call the club a “tranny bar” or explain things the way he did. He was really homophobic and transphobic when it came to being with guys, despite being labeled as a bisexual character. And of course, the bisexual character had to date a man and a woman at the same time or he wouldn’t actually be bisexual.

Outside of my normal rants about representation of bisexuality and BDSM, this book was amazing. The plot advanced quickly. There were a lot of characters that didn’t blend together. The descriptions were done in a way that was in depth, but not overly flowery. It was a book that was well written, but also had a plot. Neither the plot or the writing style bogged down the book. It has been a long time since I have found a book that I would describe as smooth.

There was such a detailed description of the characters that I even made the mistake of thinking the dog, was a human. Dennis described one character as having a shark smile, so when he described the dog as the character’s dog I expected it to be a lackey or a person into puppy play. It sure made me laugh when the dog was actually a dog! That was all my own mistake, but the experience made me enjoy the book more.

The actual plot of the book is Denny comes into town to help solve the murder of his friend. Nike, his new girlfriend, sets it up with her high ranking police father to have Denny brought in. Then there is a side plot about the relationship Denny had with the photographer that got killed that was just killing me. I wanted to know more about that than anything else (well besides more sex scenes). The characters had such rich back stories and development that I just loved it.

Despite my whole two issues with the book, this book was fantastic.

[Erika Nerdypants · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a tough one. Both to read and empathize with. Halfway through I was tempted to give up on it. It read a bit like a cross between self-indulgent Bildungsroman and Girl Interrupted. Somewhere at the midpoint, Leatham gets more honest with her readers. She lets us into the real struggle, which is desperately trying to appear normal while being deeply and pathologically dysfunctional. This is when empathy kicked in for me, and I started rooting for and relating to Leatham’s experiences. Once she got that trying to pretend you’re fine actually makes things much more difficult, I knew she would be ok. And I’m glad she was. There is still so much stigma around mental health and illness even 13 years after this book was published. I hope Leatham is well today, and I’m glad I stuck with the story to the end. And thanks for the reminder that pretending will never work. I needed that.

[Lizzie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wanted to read this because my sister was a cutter when we were young and she had another bout with it when she got divorced. Also because both my daughters have been cutters. it's not an easy read. But it was worth the read. Raw and honest. CBT, mentioned in the book as the thing that helped the writer, has been suggested for my youngest and we're still in the process of finding someone for her. So that was also encouraging. I don't know that I have a better grasp of cutting after reading this, but I'm grateful she shared her story.

[Shy · Rating 4 out of 5]

as some of the other reviews have said, this is a very repetitive book. but that is EXACTLY the way it is dealing with selfharm. for someone who has been dealing with the progression of selfharm and bipolar disorder- i completely relate.
a lot of other reviews also say how if you have never been through any of this, you probably will have no fun reading this book.
that being said, i read 50% of the book and skimmed the last half. not super surprised with how the book turned out but definitely didn't expect it to be so spot on in the mind of a cutter.

[❁ lilyreadsromance ❁ · Rating 5 out of 5]

How do you rate someone's memoir? I can't.

I have been reading this book for 3 weeks. It was hard. I had to stop periodically because I got myself triggered by them too much. Struggling with the same issue (?) for almost my whole life, I felt the sense of camaraderie when I read this book. Weirdly though, I tend to gravitate towards this book when I was at my lowest.

Even writing this review is hard.

[Makayla Barrows · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a good book, however it was very repetitive. I don't think that someone who has not battled with self harm or depression could get a full understanding of her mentality during this book but if you have had that battle, from my personal experiences, this memoir is relative and interesting.

[Anne Bennett · Rating 3 out of 5]

A memoir of secrets, self-harm, and survival. This is the first book I've read on self-mutilation. It was fast and at time funny.

(Catching up on old reviews from pre-blogging and pre-Goodreads days. Written on 7/23/21 but the book was read years ago. I'm working off my notes.)

[Kat Wicks · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so special to me. It was the first time I ever felt seen and understood. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read it over the years. It’s raw, chaotic and very honest. I haven’t found another book that even comes close to accurately expressing what it’s like to go through this.

[Ruth Cierkens · Rating 4 out of 5]

Leest vlot! Intéressant boek over een thema dat nog zeer sterk in de taboesfeer zit.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

this was so much better than I thought it would be!

[Scarlett Ohio · Rating 5 out of 5]

Difficult read but good insight