The Light Streamed Beneath It: A Memoir of Grief and Celebration

by Shawn Hitchins

A modern gay memoir exploring love, death, pain, and community that will resonate long after the last page A lifetime of finding punchlines in his heartache comes to a shuddering stop when comedian and writer Shawn Hitchins loses two great loves, five months apart, to sudden death. In this deeply poignant memoir that combines sober self-portrait with tender elegy, Hitchins explores the messiness of being alive: the longing and desire, scorching-earth anger, raw grief -- and the pathway of healing he discovers when he lets his heart remain open. Never without an edge of self-awareness, The Light Streamed Beneath It invites the reader into Hitchins's world as he reckons with his past and stays painfully in the present. As he builds an embodied future, he confronts the stories that have shaped him, sets aside his ambition, and seeks connection in what he used to deflect with laughter -- therapy, community and chosen family, movement, spirituality, and an awareness of death's ever-presence. A heartrending and hope-filled story of resilience in the wake of death, The Light Streamed Beneath It joyfully affirms that life is essentially good, as Hitchins weaves his tale full of tenacious spirit, humor, kindness, and grit through life's most unforgiving challenges.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography, LGBT, Audiobook, Gay, Biography Memoir

212 pages, Paperback

First published October 12, 2021

About the author

Shawn Hitchins is the author of "The Light Streamed Beneath It" (ECW' 21) and "A Brief History of Oversharing" (ECW' 17). His one-man show "Ginger Nation" toured extensively before being filmed in concert (Amazon Prime/OUTtv). Hitchins is an award-winning entertainer, writer, personality, and creator of live performance.

Hitchins was featured on CBC's "The Next Chapter with Shelagh Rogers," "q," and "Here & Now," and his work garnered notices from the Guardian, GayTimes UK, BuzzFeed, CNN, BBC, BBC World Service, TimeOut NY, eTalk, The Social, and The Toronto Star.

Shawn is a frequent contributor to CBCArts. He is an advocate for affordable mental healthcare and embodiment. Based in Toronto, Ontario, Shawn is in the process of relocating to the Los Angeles area.

Reviews

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Shawn Hitchins


Shawn Hitchins is a Canadian comedian, author and actor. Shawn grew up gay in a tiny rural enclave during the 1980s and 90s - between the time of the AIDS epidemic and the expansion of gay rights. Thus Shawn's life has had ups and downs, but he was able to channel his feelings into his entertainment career and his writing.


Shawn Hitchins on stage

Shawn's first book, A Brief History of Oversharing: One Ginger's Anthology of Humiliation, is mostly light-hearted and humorous. This memoir is much different, being a journal of profound grief. Shawn lost two people he loved - his former common law husband Matt and his ex-boyfriend David - in a short period of time, and was devastated by the losses. Shawn struggled on, though, and writes, "This story is my path back to aliveness. This story is.....a ballad for two dynamic men who changed my life."

Shawn and his ex-common law husband, Matthew James Hines, were together for six years. During that time Shawn and Matt hosted game nights, dinners, drunken kitchen parties, and holiday celebrations for their different groups of friends. Shawn writes, "[Matt] became my co-captain, by wingman as we traveled from world to world (both his and mine). Life was easier with an ally at these events, someone who also understood the intricacies and backstories of our chosen family trees."

Shawn and Matt also attended weekly dinners at the home of Matt's city mom Louisa, where "champagne flutes bubbled over and four-finger shots of bourbon poured between courses of prime cuts of meat roasted to perfection and decadent buttercream topped cakes."





Shawn and Matt's relationship had its problems though, and they eventually had a 'conscious uncoupling' even though they still cared about each other. Matt got custody of the cat Stevie.

A couple of years after Shawn's common law marriage broke up, he met Californian David Francisco Martinez during a visit to San Francisco.

Shawn writes about their sexy meeting; the dynamics of a long-distance romance that included frequent messaging and visits back and forth; David's rental room in the home of Princess Jasmine - who had tickle parties; climbing San Francisco's Bernal Hill with Ziggy the cat tagging along; dinners with David's city mom Rachael and her husband John; intellectual discussions; butter tarts from Ontario; California lemons; and more.


Canadian butter tarts

Sadly, David was deeply troubled and the relationship ended within a year. This wounded Shawn, but Shawn and David stayed in touch and tried to be supportive of each other.

In October, 2018 Shawn's ex-common law husband Matt died from a tragic accident, a terrible incident that made Matt's passing even harder for his family and friends. Afterwards, Shawn helped clear Matt's apartment, which brought back memories of Matt's interests, idiosyncrasies, and their time together.

Matt had an anthology of Meryl Streep movies that made him cry (his 'cry-tear-ion collection'); kept a box filled with cards, concert tickets, lanyards, and programs; loved whimsy and miniatures; and was drawn to rickety old spaces with uneven floors and cracked plaster. Shawn recalls, "[Matt] created a warm sense of home with objects he found rummaging through church basements or pulled from curbside trash."


Matt had a collection of Meryl Streep movies

Shawn was crushed by Matt's death, and a second tragedy soon afterwards compounded the trauma.

Six months after Matt's death, in April, 2019, Shawn's former boyfriend David took his own life. This act seemed almost inexplicable to Shawn though he long suspected David was bipolar. Shawn mourned with David's loved ones, who cleared David's apartment and listened to a Spotify playlist of David's music as they recalled his life.

David's loved ones also did an elaborate ritual for the deceased, to send him extra energy on his journey. Later on they had a memorial service where Shawn said, "This is shit. You have to excuse my language. I know it's not right to swear at a memorial, but his is just shit. For those of you experiencing suicide for the first time, welcome to the LGBTQ experience."

Shawn's bereavement process was long and painful, involving therapy, introspection, extensive reading, Gaga movement (a kind of dancing), and more. Getting the cat Stevie back helped as well.


Gaga movement

For remembrance, Shawn also made ofrendas for the Day of the Dead, one for Matt and one for David, each covered with their personal effects. Shawn observes, "As I have come to understand it, Dia De Los Muertos celebrates a belief that our beloveds do not die, though they change physical form; they become ancestors who remain alive as part of the social conversation.


Example of an ofrenda

Writing this book was part of Shawn's grief and recovery process. The narrative is sad and moving, but also has some light moments and laughs.

Grief is a personal experience for everyone, but this book might help light the way for people who've experienced a loss.

Thanks to Netgalley, Shawn Hitchins, and ECW Press for a copy of the book.

You can follow my reviews at https://reviewsbybarbsaffer.blogspot.com

[Erik · Rating 3 out of 5]

Shawn Hitchins The Light Streamed Beneath It is a story of queerness, loss, and self-understanding.

Shawn Hitchins was in San Francisco when he met the second great love of his life, David. Two years out from the ending of his marriage to his first great love, Matt, he thought he had finally met the man he could spend the rest of his life with. But over the course of the next year he tragically lost both of his great loves and nearly lost himself. But buoyed by friends, family, and work on himself, Shawn is able to work through his grief and come to an uncertain understandings of his loves.

Despite being a book about the author's grief, I found it challenging to break through the prose and really get to know who the author is. And at times this book veered dangerously close to being a little too "woo-woo" for my tastes. Nonetheless, The Light Streamed Beneath It is an important reflection on finding love and mourning love as a queer person and all the darkness and beauty that this entails. And for that reason, you should read this book.

[George Ilsley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Finished this a couple of days ago, but have been struggling with my review. This is a book which should have appealed to me more, a gay man's memoir — a Canadian at that. Even the bare bones of the story (losing one close friend in an accident, then a second through suicide) unfortunately also has a parallel in my own life (one family member through suicide, followed by another in an accident). Such events are such a jolt, that one must write a book.

The first death here was an ex-partner who remained, as is quite common in the gay world, a close friend. This is the event in this memoir which was the most powerful, and the most relatable.

The book however opens with a "hot" encounter with a new guy, David, and far from appearing as Mr. Right I viewed him as Mr. Red Flags. I never liked him, or trusted him, and never understood what Hitchins saw in him. Despite all the red flags, a long distance relationship is pursued and this was very much, as the kids say, "insta love." I just didn't get it.

Missing from this memoir was more insight into the author himself. His birth family is noted as absent, and I gathered perhaps that this situation was explored in his first memoir. I didn't read the first book, and would have appreciated more about that here, as background for (what appeared to be) abandonment issues and why he almost obsessively tried to recreate family in his life (instead of just having good friends). I tripped over some of the language used here: the first love, for example, was his "ex-common-law husband" (which I've never heard anyone actually say); and people were introduced as someone's "city mother" (nothing came up when I googled that usage).

The end of the book dissolves into some very wispy declarations, such as "I expressed my gratitude." The word "performing" was on my mind throughout much of the book: the author is a performer, and many gay men are forced to perform in order to hide, and many of us use humour as another means of camouflage. Then on page 184 we arrive at this sentence: Part of my practice is to notice movements based in ambition, both my own and others', and mentally label it "performing." Despite the insight here, it is also an example of the wispiness, the spongy vagueness, which weakens the end of the book.

Rounded down to three stars, because people who kill themselves piss me off. They are cruel and manipulative, and I'm tired of people making excuses for them.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Do certain books find us at the right times? Grief reads have been a bit of a theme for me lately, and The Light Streamed Beneath It was another emotional reading experience. In his second book with humility and much introspection Hitchins looks at his own grief after the devastating loss of two lovers only months apart. A breathtaking memoir of love and death, pain and healing.

A few days after finishing this I learned an old friend that I had been out of contact with over the last couple years had passed away from a drug overdose. Shocked, my grief hit me in waves, bringing up a lot of feelings, old grief, and sadness. And like Hitchins following his losses I too was left revisiting our friendship, looking for answers.

Hitchins honesty about his grief and pain in the wake of his losses hit me hard. How he could conjure his feelings in such a vivid way made for an intimate and impactful reading experience. I really find it hard to summarize these types of books, everyone grieves differently after all, but I found Hitchins journey is a worthy addition to this category.

Thank You to @ecwpress for sending me this one. It will be available in October.

For more of my book content check out instagram.com/bookalong

[Lino Matteo · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Light Streamed Beneath It
A memoir of grief and celebration by Shawn Hitchins
I had no idea what this book was about when I was offered a copy for review by ECW. As I began reading I was surprized that it was not what I thought it would be (don’t judge a book by its cover). The subtitle kind of summarizes the book very well: “a memoir of grief and celebration.”
There is grief in this book. Yet, while you have to look for it at times, there is also celebration. There is love, there is community, there is hope, and there is a cat. Sometimes, often, it is not about loving what you want, but loving what you have.
The author takes us through a journey of pain and suffering. There is also hope, learning, forays into other traditions, and the overarching message that death is a phase of life. Where were we before we came into this world? Where will we go when we leave this world? How should we live while we are a part of this world?
The writing is illuminating. The story, like life itself, is sometimes disjointed. The arch and the main character bring it all together. The author notes that, “Scrooge wakes up a changed man just in time for Christmas morning. The miser is granted something more precious than gold: he is granted time.” We would note that the author, and Scrooge, for that matter are handed more than time. They both receive hope and understanding; appreciation and love. Yet, the message is not only about hoping for the future, but also about living in the present.
Life can have the feeling of “abbondanza, the Italian word for abundance or plenty,” if we stop and appreciate the things that we have plenty of. Love, laughter, hope, faith, community. Why some people are so poor all they have is money, yet is seems that it is that very thing, money, that too many of us spend our lives chasing.
‘God breaks your heart over and over until it remains open.’ ~ Sufi quote
Three thoughts from the book that I will share:
• Why aren’t weddings more like funerals? Events of radical inclusion where people show up, compelled to honor their connection, moved to honor a life?
• I believe the soul is energy and therefore indestructible. I believe to harm the body in an attempt to destroy another’s spirit is to violate the sacred.
• “The accountant deals with the past, the tarot card reader deals with the future, and I deal with the present.” (A therapist)
There is pain and suffering, however, there is also humor. I think I will use this humor to tell some of my tales.
To the author, Shawn Hitchins, I say: namaste (“I bow to you”). For living the life; for sharing the life; for taking the time to share it with strangers, so that we all might learn to appreciate those things that we do have. This story is one, that while not easy, is one that is worthy of sharing.


Lino Matteo ©™
Twitter @Lino_Matteo
https://linomatteo.wordpress.com/2021...

[Brittin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was looking forward to this book that I had seen some great reviews about and that may have been my first mistake.

I have immense respect for Hitchins' experience and courage to write about such devastation, but this memoir just didn't deliver for me. I say that knowing that memoirs can be whatever the writer wants them to be, but my experience of it was subpar.

The themes were compelling and explored honestly but the details and narrative felt superficial at times and, for me, overly sexual. Note, this is mostly the case for the first 10% of the book and it set a tone I couldn't get past. I did appreciate his emphasis on moving through grief, being with community and seeking professional support.

Audiobook: 6h 53m

[Lisal Kayati Roberts · Rating 3 out of 5]

Grief is grief is grief. The depth of it is huge and enduring for all sentient beings regardless of their sexuality.
The author provided a glimpse into human queer life and all its complexities. This aspect made this memoir of loss a bit different and therefore, more interesting. I felt deeply for the author’s losses, but also felt a bit confused and distracted by his many tangential references. Generosity is important- so 2.5 is the real score.

[Emily Veronica · Rating 4 out of 5]

“I pray to asparagus.”

In his 2017 debut novel, A Brief History of Oversharing, Shawn Hitchins excitedly pulled us onto the hilarious, albeit jaw-dropping, rollercoaster of his life up to that point. While still using his now-familiar brand of ironic humour, Hitchins’ second book, The Light Streamed Beneath It, takes a sharp left turn from where he last left us. After having experienced extreme emotional trauma, the author takes a step back to acknowledge his use of comedy to interpret and make sense of life’s difficulties, and recognizes that to move forward after monumental loss will require a deeper understanding and introspection.

While at times leaving me shaking with laughter, The Light Streamed Beneath It had me weeping more than once. Hitchins once again holds nothing back, but this time he peels away the layers (a device used literally, cleverly, and effectively throughout the book) so that we can bear witness to the raw and messy fallout that is our grief when we are left behind. Through excellent use of imagery, the author personifies his pain so that as the reader we can visualize it: we see it, we can touch it, we can feel it. (It was Hitchins’ ability to accurately describe the physical form that overwhelming sorrow takes that frequently left me in tears, and his depiction of a serious breakup as a corporeal event left me shocked and breathless as I recognized my own feelings put into words on the page.)

Playing with chronology is tricky, and I give credit to any author who attempts to move around time’s puzzle pieces. For the most part, the nonlinear nature of the book worked, but there were a few occasions that had me questioning where I was in the timeline of the author’s life (even with chapters being titled by date). Despite this, by the end of the book I had a complete picture of the last two years of the author’s life and any lingering confusion was cleared up.

A brilliant example of creating art out of one’s own life, Hitchins’ second book displays the man’s thoughtful writing style, gives us glimpses of his acerbic comedic personality, and weaves poetry to help us better understand the human experience. That is Hitchins’ gift to us with The Light Streamed Beneath It: a beautiful textbook to crack open when learning to navigate the worst that life can throw at you.

[Rachel Ryding · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this one.

This memoir covers the period of time in which the author lost two romantic partners unexpectedly close together. It’s gut-wrenching. His ex-husband, who he had remained incredibly close with, died of a freak accident, and then a few months later his current partner died by suicide. These are heavy topics. And while he writes a lot about just the rawness of that grief, he also writes a lot about the joy of those relationships and the ways that he found healing through his grief.

The writing itself is beautiful, and Hitchen’s own reflections are remarkably insightful. He self-describes as an atheist for much of the book, but in processing his grief he finds solace in a variety of different non-religious spiritual practices. I’m someone who personally doesn’t connect much with these kinds of practices so I was a little worried that I would find these parts hokey, but I didn’t at all. I think that’s a testament to the authenticity and relatability of Hitchen’s story and his process.

I loved all of the examples of found family and community support throughout, and the emphasis on how important intentional families are for queer people in particular. The author also has some frank discussions about suicide in queer communities that really resonated with me in ways I wasn’t expecting. As someone who spent a lot of time in my early twenties heavily involved in addiction recovery communities, I’ve been to more than my share of memorials for young people who have died by suicide or overdose. There’s always this horrible sense of guilt and “I should have known” or “I should have done more”, and reading about the author’s experience was more healing for me than I knew I needed.

I’d absolutely recommend this book, but also absolutely use your own judgment if any of these topics mentioned above are particular triggers for you.

Thank you to the publisher, ECW Press, for sending me a copy of this one.

[Joseph · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m really torn about this book. I feel like it might have originally been called “Ritual” but, given none of the rituals in the book are of the author’s own culture (not even converted or adopted), everyone settled on an alternative title.

So yeah, there are some issues. Lots of metaphors. And smilies. Lots. The Matt relationship seemed like it hadn’t ended long after it was over. And the David relationship was nothing but red flags. In a way this is the gay memoir we didn’t know we wanted, warts and all.

I would like to have known more about the author’s upbringing. There is a lot of rumination here but, other than the “my relationship ended and here’s what I learned from it,” I would’ve enjoyed more interiority: all of those days when he and David were texting, for example, and the two (more) boyfriends of David’s who came and went in the one year that they knew each other, what exactly was going on in his head? There must have been jealousy, rage, anxiety, frustration. We don’t know because that raw bulk of time was glossed over in favor of when they were together.

Having said that, I believe everything described here was truly felt. The emotions are raw and the grief is palpable. The best scenes are the funerals. They made me feel like I was there.

[Ryan Floyd · Rating 4 out of 5]

This upcoming memoir is a story of queer love and loss that hit much closer to home than I expected it to (even beyond having a personal connection to some people in the story and some of the action taking place in my hometown). Hitchins’ story is powerful and devastating, and the perfect ode to found family. While much of the memoir was a straight-forward retelling of events, I found it became extremely powerful and touching in the passages where Hitchins became more introspective. The musings about grief, friendship, and support are what makes this memoir shine, and I think it’s going to be a must-read for any queer person experiencing personal tragedy.
Thanks to ECW Press and NetGalley for the advanced copy, The Light Streamed Beneath It comes out October 12.

[Enid Wray · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! Wow! Wow! I had to take a break before writing these notes - to let the tears streaming down my face dry, and to pull myself together in order to be at least halfway coherent.

This is raw, visceral, so deeply personal… His life just pours off the page…big and bold and intense, in the same way that he loves… And his grief - which he refers to as a ‘collapse’ and likens to the melting of a glacier - while it almost breaks both him, and also me, as a reader - ebbs and flows - but it never takes you, as the reader, down that rabbit hole of despair. He gives himself, and we, the readers, permission to grieve… to grieve alongside him, and also to grieve for those of our own whom we have lost.

He reminds us that ‘it’s okay’... and that there is no one way to grieve. Grief takes on a life of its own, and we need to be open to whatever practice(s) - or community or belief systems, be they physical or spiritual - make themselves available to us, or that we stumble upon serendipitously.

We are vulnerable, and we need to embrace that vulnerability… ”Rebuilding trust with your life happens by noticing the brief moments of being, finding simple beauty while holding faith that any catastrophe is at bay. It is a vulnerable practice of allowing yourself to fall back in love with life, which is much easier to do when you’re surrounded by unabashed expressions of affection.” (p209)

And his writing… had me captivated. This book needs to be read slowly, and savoured… the words - and word pictures - he uses to describe his emotions, and the experiences he is having will stay with you long afterwards (especially if you take as many notes as I did while reading this!).

We are a society that does not deal well with death. As he so rightly points out, ‘Death is an anytime conversation’ (p12).

We don’t talk about it ahead of time, and we don’t know how to be when it happens: “Platitudes are dangerously lazy, especially when used to erase a most significant moment in a person’s life. What this moment called for was to walk directly through the pain and discomfort, to be sober and present, and to feel every second” (p101).

He makes mention, more than once, of the need to be engaging in (various) radical acts: of kindness, of inclusion, or of vulnerability… and that “(o)pening ourselves to belief means beginning the painful work of reconciling the parts of ourselves that have been amputated or walled off in self-protection” (p 123).

Yes, there are a couple of somewhat steamy sex scenes off the top… but they are not gratuitous and they lay the foundation for what follows.

As a Canadian… I forgive him for the ‘Americanized’ spellings throughout (but it really really bugs me).

I also forgive that a lot of this takes place in the form of dialogue - usually a pet peeve of mine with memoirs - but he does discuss the writing of the book at the back. He is clear to point out that he was ‘under the care and guidance of a licensed therapist during the creation of this work’... which satisfies me as to why he is able to ‘re-create’ so much of this in the detail that he does. He had help teasing out the memories… and he had already written one memoir previously, and (I believe that) he journals - on his yellow legal pad! - all the time…

I also must comment on one more thing. Thank you to ECW press!!!

There is an end note at the very back… which reads as follows: "This book is a Global Certified Accessible™ (GCA) e-book. ECW Press’s e-books are screen reader friendly and are built to meet the needs of those who are unable to read standard print due to blindness, low vision, dyslexia, or a physical disability."

First time I’ve ever seen (noticed) that in an e-book… and I did find the reading to be very easy (as compared to some e-books which I really struggle to read because of the dense text... and I fit none of the above criteria… I’m just a 60 year old woman with 60 year old eyes and reading glasses).

Yet another example of how making a change for the better for the benefit of ‘accessibility’ benefits us all…

[willowdog · Rating 3 out of 5]

How does one handle grief? What can one seek to help in one's self evaluation in this state?
Hitchins takes on an examination of this in The Light Streamed Beneath It. On loosing two lovers in a matter of months, Hitchins must find a way to process all of this. This is not a book of the five stages of grief. This is about a man seeking to understand his life and the lives of his lovers.
The narrative of the lives of the men in his life and the intersection of him in the lives of the lovers is wonderfully written. In fact, I found the writing of the sexual exploits to be some of the best I have read. What could have been just mediocre, the writing in these exploits is raised to a new level. But beyond these, he looks at what the relationships were and attempts to find answers in reviewing the details. The journey that Hitchens takes is New Agey. But I found the journey worth taking.

Thanks to Net Galley and the publisher for this free ebook.

[Jennifer Willoughby]

This is a memoir of grief and celebration of life. The author experienced two traumatic losses in a short time span, but the writing left me wanting more emotion, more honesty. The writing style is descriptive and artful but lacks emotional depth and self-awareness. Hitchins writes as though he is keeping his grief and his feelings at arm's distance. While the social commentary on San Francisco and California is powerful and thought provoking, I wanted more self-analysis in relation to the tragic losses. I had a hard time getting to know each of the men he lost. I wanted to know them and love them. I wanted to feel his pain as an insider rather than the way I found myself outside looking in.

[Lay · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Light Streamed Beneath It is a poetic and visceral memoir of queer love and grief.
Shawn Hitchins chronicles the loss of two men he loved within the short span of a year. He shares his insights and pain in poetic and non-linear ways, filled with metaphors as an attempt to verbalise his experience. His grief and attempts to make sense of the loss are apparent on the page in a way that's inescapable. His writing grabs you by the shoulders and asks you to truly listen, to be present.

Despite all of that, this book just wasn't for me! I felt lost and unable to truly connect to Shawns story in the way I had wanted. I don't think this is the book's fault, it's just a case of the wrong book at the wrong time.

[Jen J · Rating 3 out of 5]

Okay, so... Beautiful writing, but also a bit too ephemeral for me sometimes. I felt like the author and his friends were moving through a series of Pinterest boards instead of real life. Are people's lives really that picturesque? Do they just summon these perfectly quirky families from the ether like this? I hated David a lot but felt very invested in Matt. The writer's description of grief after Matt's death was visceral for me. I feel like the book would have been enough with Matt, but adding David, with the equally Pinterest-esque gatherings and favourite pieces of linen and meaningful knick-knacks and confusing downward spiral that was never really explained--i ended up just skipping over most of the last few chapters. The end.

[Michael Kerr · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir is a deep-dive into profound grief. After a lifetime of deflecting pain with humour, comedian Shawn Hitchins finds himself twice widowed. Death, loss, grief--these do not seem like natural subjects for a hopeful memoir, but in this author's hands, the narrative is exactly that. His exploration of other cultures' approaches to loss are rather beautiful and provide a statement about how death is always with us, a part of our lives that give meaning. There's lots about the importance of chosen family too, and many examples of thoughtful kindness. This book will likely stay with you after you close the cover.

[Abiyasha · Rating 3 out of 5]

My expectations were high before starting the book. As someone who has been through a similar situation, I wanted to read Shawn Hitchins' experience. But I was disappointed because the book, sadly, didn't deliver.

I feel like the problem is the prose. It just doesn't fit a memoir like this. In a novel, yes, but in a memoir, the prose doesn't seem to connect well. And then the big portion of the book is about the back story of Matt and David instead of the grief itself. That's where my disappointment lies. I was expecting something more, but I didn't get it.

It took me almost a month to finish the book. I had moments when I felt like stopping, but I kept going, hoping it would give me something, but it never did. In the end, I didn't get anything from the book aside from a few highlighted sentences about grief, which I thought were beautifully phrased.

[Matthew · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't identify with the two men in Shawn's life as depicted in this memoir. Good on Shawn for writing it though. I wish I made an account about my life more. I think I would learn a lot from it.

I really didn't feel much for David. He gave me a lot of alarm bells-- but I can appreciate the very hot initial attraction. I wish the Shawn invested more time in Matt. I wanted to learn more about him, more about what made him special.

(I took forever for me to finish this book, but the Cancun trip allowed me to re-read what I forgot and to get to the end)

[Joanne Mcleod · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a reader I could literally feel the physicality of Shawn’s loss and grief. His words poured out his suffering, but then gradually penetrated so we could glimpse the light and hope of continued life beneath the hurt and anguish of grief. An amazing and powerful tribute to love at its most humanness- with all its human faults and failings, but in the same breath in all its wondrous joy and glory.

[Muneeza · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 stars

Shawn Hitchins writes about losing a loved one and the grief that comes with it. At some points I could feel the intensity of his emotions but at others I was confused. He did not spend a lot of time providing context so I felt like I was thrown into a setting with no information.

*Thanks to NetGalley for the digital copy*

[Ellen McClure · Rating 4 out of 5]

It feels wrong to give this a star rating as it is such a personal journey. However, for me, this was a solid four. Hitchins once again for me explains things I didn't know or comprehend. The journey of grief is so layered and complex and every path is unique to the individual. But, with Hitchins guiding me throughout, I felt commonality. A good read but, keep a box of tissues handy.

[Teresa Ironside · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautifully written book with moments that brought me to tears but also moments that had me laughing out loud. Descriptive and honest, the journey through loss and the celebration of life was incredibly moving. Would highly recommend.

[Patrick Book · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hitchins is a comedian, but there’s nothing funny about this book. It truly is all about epic grief and the situation is difficult and awful. His prose is very florid, sometimes to the point of distraction. But it is very good to know that someone can survive such an unthinkable series of events.

[Brett Lloyd-Green · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Light Streamed Beneath It By Shawn Hitchins. Shawn's story talks how his two great loves of his life. We understand his struggles and the sad tragic events that made Shawn, Shawn. Definitely a tear jerker and a great read.

[Mackiegd · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shawn Hitchins is the gay Joan Didion. This book is such an emotional ride through grief. You’ll laugh and cry in the same paragraph and find yourself in love with Shawn’s heartbreaking journey.

[Adam Gossman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very well written.

[Theo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was stunning. Like a hug if you're grieving or have ever grieved a person.

[Adam Argyrides · Rating 4 out of 5]

My heart. 😭😭

[Izad Etemadi · Rating 5 out of 5]

INCREDIBLE. This is a must read.