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124 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 18, 2021
I stare at the space in my bed where my husband should be, and I sigh. As usual, it’s empty. Things haven’t been going well between us since I announced I was pregnant with Willow. We’ve spent a whole year of arguing, separating, making up, trying, but ultimately, we’re not happy. Not like before.
Riggs thinks I tricked him into the pregnancy, but I didn’t, and I’m so sick of repeating myself. Accidents happen, and so what?
And she adores him, oblivious to his lack of interest in her.
He’s looking relaxed, lying on his office couch with a whiskey in his hand, and Raven sits at his desk. Her smile fades.
“We’re just talking,” says Riggs, looking slightly irritated by my presence. “At three a.m.,” I note. “The time when everyone leaves their wife in bed and chats to other women.”
“Don’t let me catch you sniffing around him, Raven. I’ll kick your ass out of here if I think for one minute you’re after him.”
“I’m the club president. If I wanted a quick fuck, I’d choose a girl less likely to tell your girlfriends,” he mutters.
“You’re always so dramatic, Anna,” he says, sighing. “Fuck, I was chatting to a pretty girl at three a.m., shoot me. Some club presidents would have been doing a lot more than that!”
“It’s easier to talk to everyone but you,” he mumbles.
“You don’t listen. You think you do, but you’re so distracted, and that’s only when you’re not moaning in my fucking ear.”
Riggs strips down to his boxer shorts. He hasn’t touched me in months. The most I get these days is a kiss on the head, like I’m a child.
He takes my arm, stilling me. “Not tonight,” he whispers.
His rejection hurts more than his harsh words.
“How do you look so amazing at this hour?” “Plenty of coffee,” she says, grinning. “Plus, Chains did the night feeds.” “Lucky you,” I mumble. “Riggs not helping out?” she asks, her expression sympathetic.
“This is how it starts,” he snaps. “A harmless drink here and there, and before you know it, you’re out all the time, drunk all the time, and I’m raising the kids on my own.”
“When will you stop punishing me for Michelle’s mistakes?” I demand to know. “She left Ziggy because she was an addict. I’m not! I’d never leave the kids. You checked out on me and the kids long ago. Just because you’re still around, doesn’t mean you’re here.”
“Maybe it’s for the best,” he mumbles. I try not to let his words break me. This is the right decision for me and my girls. “Besides, we’ve been here before, haven’t we?” he asks, staring at me. “But you always come back.”
“Of course I want contact with my daughter,” he snaps. I laugh but it’s without humour. “She’s been right under your roof all this time and you’ve hardly spent any time with her. Don’t have contact because it’s what you think you have to do.”
“I don’t know what I want anymore. Loving Anna makes me weak. I can’t lead the club when I’m weak.”
“But that’ll stop. One day. Love doesn’t last forever.”
He smirks. “You think you could take my kid without me knowing exactly where you are?”
“You always forget to eat?” he asks. “You’ve lost too much weight.” “I needed to drop a dress size,” I say. He scowls and marches towards the kitchen. “Who told you that crap?”
“That you didn’t . . . erm . . . fancy me anymore.” My cheeks burn with embarrassment at my confession.
“Enjoyed a nice nap, did you? Meanwhile, I’m looking after the kids so you can study.”
“Yeah. I got blue balls waiting around, and if we’re done, then I can sort that problem out.” I laugh awkwardly and she frowns. “I don’t want a relationship or anything, I’ll use a clubwhore or . . .” I trail off. What the fuck am I saying? Stop talking, asshole. Just stop. “Raven.”
“You need to go now. Don’t stand there telling me you want to fuck other women then kiss me like that,” she hisses. “I don’t wanna fuck other women,” I mutter. “Get out, Riggs. You give me whiplash with your fucking moods.”
“So I told her I was fucking Raven,” I mutter, and Cree groans. “I know! When I said the fucking words, I wanted to rip my own throat out.”
“Willow was . . . unexpected,” I say. “A good surprise or bad?” she asks. I pause. “I wasn’t ready for another kid.”
“Anna wanted another kid. I told her no. I wanted to wait.” “For what?”
“Did you feel that way when Michelle got pregnant?” she asks. I nod slowly. “Yeah. But I was young and I was scared, so I pretended to be happy. Michelle did trick me. She admitted it one night when she was high.”
“Is Raven seeing anyone?” I ask, changing the subject. “Not as far as I know. She lies pretty low these days.
“It’s fine. Riggs said he was seeing Raven, or fucking her, I’m not sure which.”
I tortured myself all night wondering if they’d been together for ages, behind my back even. I told you she was in his office in the early hours that time.”
“He told me he’s sleeping with Raven,” I say, and her eyes bug out of her head.
“Like I wanted a divorce.” I begin to pace. “That hadn’t entered my head. She’s mine, I ain’t divorcing her. But you know what? She didn’t argue. Like she’s accepted we’re done. Then I told her I was fucking a woman from the club. A woman I’ve not touched!”
“I want things to go back to how they were before . . .” “Before Anna? Before Willow? Before the cancer diagnosis?”
I narrow my eyes when I see Raven’s name down for tonight’s shift. Just what I need—NOT!
Almost an hour later, Raven turns up looking amazing. She’ll get guys in here spending their cash just so they can watch her.
Riggs takes his spot at the door. Every time I look up, I see him staring at Raven and my heart breaks a little more. He could at least try and hide how he feels.
“I only wanted you, Riggs. Nothing else mattered. And look where that got me. Are you and Raven happy?” I ask, lightly.
I spot Riggs and Raven chatting in the car park and a stab of jealousy hits me hard. They look good together.
“Anna—” She pushes up from the bed. “I said, stop fucking talking,” she hisses. She prods a finger to my chest. “Months, I’ve cried over you. I’ve begged you to talk to me. I’ve degraded myself to try and get you to fuckin’ notice me and you haven’t. I’ve left three times. Three!”
“I’ll always love him. But I’m done trying to be his wife. He’s hurt me too much. At least with Reggie, I knew what he was like. His physical abuse was what I expected. Riggs, he drew me in and then turned. He’s hurt me more than Reggie’s fists ever could.”
“When Finn let you down by accusing you of trapping him, that wasn’t a surprise to you?” she asks. “It was,” I say. “But I guess him letting me down wasn’t. I thought he’d be happy when I told him. When it became clear he wasn’t going to come around, I realised he was just another arse to let me down.
Maybe I’m not cut out for club life. I’m not good enough or strong enough to be someone's old lady, especially not the president.
Raven spots me making my way through the club and follows me until we get upstairs. “How was it?” she asks. “Anna was there,” I mutter, and her eyes bug out of her head.
“You have to tell her, Riggs.” “I have one more fucking session. Why the fuck was she there?” I growl, slamming my hand against the wall.
Raven sighs, grabbing my hand and examining the cuts left from where I punched the wall. “Get some rest. You look terrible. We’ll come up with a plan. And stop punching shit, it won’t help.”
Raven rolls her eyes. “Sleep, Pres. Worry about the rest later.”
Riggs is sitting on the couch with a club girl resting on his lap, placing kisses along his jaw. I watch them for a minute, feeling everyone’s eyes on me.
“You know, only four in ten men get prostate cancer in their thirties? Most men get it in their sixties, but no, not me.”
I’d piss and need another in ten minutes. It drove me nuts, and I remember Raven asking me about it. She was in The Windsor with us and I went to the toilet three times in twenty minutes. She said she knew a guy who was like that and he’d been diagnosed with cancer. I laughed. As if that could happen to me. I have a wife and kids to look after, a club to run, it wasn’t gonna be me. But she nagged me, said I needed to get checked out or she’d tell you and Mum.”
Just walk away. It’s less complicated when you aren’t around.
If you’d have told me, I could have understood your behaviour. I thought you hated me, that you’d stopped loving me!” “Maybe I have. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t bring myself to tell you.”
“I mean, how messed up is it that Raven noticed and you didn’t? What does that say about us?”
“She’s been around, yah know, asking how I am. Making sure I rest and everyone leaves me the hell alone.” I can’t stop the flow of tears anymore. “She did the job you should have done.”
“And she’s pretty, right? If my erection is gonna come back, then surely it’ll work for her.”
“Is it something I do?” she eventually whispers. When I don’t answer, she continues, “Am I the problem?” “What do you mean?” I ask, sighing impatiently. “Is it something I do to make men treat me like shit?”
“Then why does it happen to me? When will I meet a guy who treats me like . . .” She pauses, thinking. “Like Vinn treats Leia?”
“It breaks my heart to know you didn’t trust me enough to tell me about this. I didn’t notice like Raven did. I guess I was too busy trying to be the perfect Pres’s wife. I wanted to make sure I was doing everything right, like your mum did for your dad. She gives so many tips, sometimes, I feel like I’m in way over my head.”
“Would you ever have told me, if I hadn't seen you at the hospital?” I shake my head. “No.” “And you haven’t told anyone, not even Cree?” I shake my head again.
“Just Raven.”
“It was easier to talk to Raven,” he whispers, and I try to pull away, but he holds me tighter against his body. “Relax,” he hisses.
“You must be watching him pretty closely to notice how often he goes to the bathroom,” I say, and she hangs her head, her cheeks turning crimson. “I get it,” I continue. “He’s the President, he’s charming, good looking. It’s hard not to fancy him.”
I’m asking you, woman to woman, stay away from my husband.
“I have, I promise. I respect you, Anna. I’d never go there, I swear. He doesn’t know how I feel, and I’ve not made a single move on him.” “Let’s keep it that way.”
“Raven, for example,” I say, casually. “Nothing against her, but I’d like some new faces around.” Riggs frowns. “The customers love Raven. She’s great behind the bar.” “I’m just not comfortable around her at the moment,” I admit. “Then change your shifts so you aren’t together, Anna. You can’t let personal shit get in the way.” “I thought you said I was the manager, therefore, I should make the decisions, right?”
“Baby, you are, but it’s a stupid idea. Raven is good for this place.” He leaves the office.
I find Raven in the cellar changing a barrel. “Things okay with you and Anna?” I ask, and she jumps at the sound of my voice.
“She warned me off you today, okay. She was marking her territory.”