Pain Killer: A Memoir of Big League Addiction

by Brantt Myhres, Michael Landsberg (Foreword)

#1 BESTSELLER "This book is at times startling, yet very real and down to earth . . . I saw [Brantt] in all phases of his life and his career. I consider him a friend and an ally. Pain Killer sends a strong message." --Darryl Sutter, former NHL player, coach, and GMFrom the only player to be banned for life from the NHL, a harrowing tale of addiction, and an astonishing path to recovery.Brantt Myhres wasn't around for the birth of his daughter. Myhres had played for seven different NHL teams, and had made millions. But he'd been suspended four times, all for drug use, and he had partied his way out of the league. By the time his daughter was born, he was penniless, sleeping on a friend's couch. He'd just been released from police custody. He had a choice between sticking around for the birth, or showing up for league-mandated rehab. He went to rehab. For the fifth time.This is his story, in his own words, of how he fought his way out of minor hockey into the big league, but never left behind the ghosts of a bleak and troubled childhood. He tells the story of discovering booze as a way of handling the anxiety of fighting, and of the thrill of cocaine. In the raw language of the locker room, he tells of how substance abuse poisoned the love he had in his life and sabotaged a great career. Full of stories of week-long benders, stripper-filled hot tubs, motorcycle crashes, and barroom brawls, Pain Killer is at its most powerful when Myhres acknowledges how he let himself down, and betrayed those who trusted him. Again and again, he fools the executives and doctors who gave him a second chance, then a third, then a fourth, and with each betrayal, he spirals further downward.But finally, on the eve of his daughter's birth, when all the money was gone, every bridge burnt, and every opportunity squandered, he was given a last chance. And this time, it worked.It worked so well, that not only has he been around for his daughter for the past eleven years, in 2015 he was signed by the LA Kings as a "sober coach": a guy who'd been there, a guy who could recognize and help solve problems before they ruined lives and made headlines (as the Kings had seen happen three times that season). Not only did Myhres save himself, he saved others. Unpolished, unpretentious, and unflinching, Myhres tells it like it is, acknowledging every mistake, and painting a portrait of an angry, violent, dangerous man caught in the vice of something he couldn't control, and didn't understand. If Brantt Myhres can pull himself together, anyone can. And he does, convincingly, and inspiringly.

Genres: Sports, Nonfiction, Hockey, Memoir, Audiobook, Addiction, Biography Memoir

316 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 16, 2021

Reviews

[Wendy Bergsma-Coats · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heart wrenching

This was an emotional roller coaster to read. I always heard the rumours of Brantt’s rise to the top, and of course the fall; but to read this humbling tale was something I wasn’t expecting. It feels like only yesterday we were playing on those streets in Brady Heights, and yet it was a lifetime ago. I’m so glad Brantt was able to find the strength to battle his way through. I’ve always had good memories of Brantt from our childhood...it’s good to know that he came out the others side. Wishing him love and strength for the future.

[Maria · Rating 4 out of 5]

Heartbreaking

[Aaron White · Rating 4 out of 5]

Watching Brantt play Junior hockey, it was a relatable journey on his youth. To now read about the struggles that he faced and faces now as an adult, it was a eye opening experience. Great story & continued success BM.

[Kendra · Rating 4 out of 5]

To describe this book in only a word - it is honest. I'm a hockey fan, an Edmontonian, and a student of sociology. I regularly read mental health and addiction memoirs, and this is easily one of the most harrowing, heartbreaking, and honest ones I've read. At times shocking, Myhres' story is also inspiring and empowering. This memoir is as much about the dangerous culture of being an NHL enforcer, as it is about addiction.

I highly recommend this one if you're interested in addiction recovery, hockey, sports memoirs, and local Alberta authors.

[Shauna Morrison · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, Brantt wrote a very open and honest book about his life, from childhood to now. I love that Brantt didn't sugar coat anything, he told his story with all of the conseqeunces and all of the times he was allowed to skate. I am glad that the NHL and NHLPA didn't give up on helping him recover because it ultimately lead to him being able to change his life and the lives of others.

[Thomas Keenan · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very open and honest autobiography about the brutal reality of being a fighter in the NHL. Brantts story of overcoming addiction and the obstacles he faced was very captivating and made the book hard to put down. Thank you to my friend Graham for the recommendation

[Ashley Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible story. For anyone who’s ever struggled with addiction or has been around it this book hits home. Also, being an NHL player you can only imagine how much of a party that could be. Great read couldn’t put it down.

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars. I had a hard time putting it down!

[Barb · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although a sports fan, I rarely enjoy autobiographical reads from hockey players as they tend to be poorly written. This one was not an exception but the life of this athlete was so compelling that despite that I give it 4 stars.
Brantt tells his story without any omissions and his honesty is refreshing. How he is still alive after an alcohol and cocaine fueled career amazes me. He fails time and time again to stay clean. Despite the lies and constant screw ups, you somehow root for the guy.
Thanks for the book Brantt - I hope you continue to stay sober and succeed in life!

[Alicia Helbeck · Rating 4 out of 5]

a little wordy at times but wow what a great view into drug addiction and recovery in the world of the nhl

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not the typical athlete memoir. Much of it is pretty harrowing. Glad that he managed to survive and get to a point in healing where he can share his story and help others. Worth a read for hockey fans.

[Mark Rimelspach · Rating 5 out of 5]

Book on big time addiction for a big time hockey professional. Really hits home on how severe addiction can be and how hard it is to recover but recovery is possible.

[Leah · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a hockey fan, I was intrigued by this book which I saw several NHL players storying on instagram. I didn’t know who Brantt Myhres was, but I read this book in one sitting. I thought it was good. Of course it was hard to read because he kept spiraling over and over, but the way he came out of his last spiral was admirable. I found myself liking him and caring about him and his future.

[Dina Horne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m not even a giant hockey fan, but Myhers’ story goes beyond the ice to his addictions and incredibly challenging road to recovery.

[MaryBeth FitzGerald · Rating 4 out of 5]

Simply written, but his story was worth reading.

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brantt, this book was a gem. Thank you for being so open about addiction and trials of life. I've faced major addiction battles myself and could relate on many levels.

I wanted to highlight the foreword as well. I have emitaphobia and was always afraid of drugs and alcohol because I heard stories about how sick people got and it caused severe panic attacks on my end just hearing about them. So my addictions were not alcohol or drug related, but the depression, coping, and anxiety that paired with them still existed. So I really appreciate that part in the beginning written by your friend and thank him for sharing that.

If anyone has struggled with any form of addiction or mental health battles, you'll find companionship in this book. The stories are relatable in both painful and happy ways. Sometimes I felt like Brantt was describing emotions I had when interacting with substances and the consequences that followed. The all night benders that just cripple you but you can't seem to stop and the connections you made in the book polarized me. I felt like I was watching myself struggle again and could be proud of the sobriety I live with now.

Another thing this book does is highlight sobriety and how much pain this disease inflicts on you before you wake up and desperately get the help you need. If any of you have struggled before, this story will be so familiar in so many ways. It shows the journey to recovery and how it's always one mistake from losing. After reading brantt's story of success it reminded me of going back to school and making something of myself. Sometimes I lose sight of that hard work and I smiled a bit.

I'm a huge hockey fan and loved hearing about the league, even if it wasn't some of your proudest moments. They're still magical to a guy who has watched hockey his whole life and looked up to so many players without even knowing them off the tv screen.

Good luck in your future journey and thanks for this book.

[Kayla · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a story about pain, suffering, addiction, recovery and hope. As a young kid, Brantt witnessed domestic abuse and experienced physical abuse at the hands of his moms boyfriend. His dad knew of the abuse but did nothing. He grew up living with his grandparents and dreamed of making it to the NHL. He loved playing hockey and was a goal scorer but decided he was going to do whatever it takes to make it.

At the age of sixteen, he became an enforcer which helped him get noticed and was drafted into the NHL. His partying and substance use began to spiral out of control. He wanted play hockey but was expected to fill his role as an enforcer leading to internal battles of his true self and fake self. The alcohol and drug use escalated, masking the pain and giving him a fake sense of feeling ‘better’ about fighting. When he was sober he didn’t want to fight as much which was the reasons teams wanted him so it was a constant battle.

For 17 years he had to worry about fighting to keep his job and place in the NHL which consisted of him battling back and forth with his true self and fake self. There’s no doubt this would take a toll on someone. His downward spiral led to his career ending at the age of 33 despite given numerous chances to get his act together. Finally, after he ruined his last chance he was suspended for life from the NHL (the only player ever to receive a life time suspension). With only a grade 9 education he didn’t know what to do.

When he finally admitted and accepted the fact he was an addict he began to face his childhood trauma which aided in him living a life of sobriety. He put his recovery first taking it one day at a time. He created a summer hockey camp for Indigenous kids called Greater Strides which was successful for five years until the government funding ran out.

With 7 years of sobriety his dream job came true - he had the opportunity to give back and help players with substance use concerns and/or struggles.

[Tina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this memoir on addiction and recovery.

I live in arguably "the" biggest hockey town in the world, so I have been exposed to hockey since I was a little girl. I admit, I had to Google, Brantt Myhres though.

This story is beyond words. This guy should be dead - its crazy to what levels he pushed his body and to add insult to injury he even went to rehab 5 times before it "stuck".

I admit that if you really don't care about hockey, you might be turned off a little bit as this memoir is basically Myhres and how much his hockey career was intertwined with his rampant addiction. He does mention several players and describes his life on the ice quite a bit, which personally I enjoyed but may not be everyone's cup of tea.

The writing is so down to earth and he pulls no punches. He tells it like it was and at times, he is basically disgusting in the things he will do and the things he encourages younger players to do.

He does spend quite a while on the addiction part of the story, but the recovery part is definitely engaging as well. I was surprised that 12 step is mentioned and so are AA meetings and a level of spirituality, but I was expecting more on the subject.

I like that Myhres doesn't get into recovery and then say "i am good now" because we all know that is not how it works.

If you easily get squirmy, then this book is also not for you.

I admit, I went in not knowing what to expect, but I was immediately engrossed in this excellent memoir on addiction and recovery and I consider myself fairly knowledgeable about what I like as I have read literally hundreds of these memoirs.

[Enid Wray]

I really tried with this… and I will admit that there is something compulsive about reading this. I’ve stuck with it far longer than I would have expected (bailing at page 183, halfway through).

But… there are only so many times I can read about the same thing over and over again - fighting, drinking, doing drugs, going to rehab, relapsing - without feeling like we’re getting anywhere. Maybe the payoff - the self-reflection and recovery - is just around the corner - on the next page - but it’s asking an awful lot of the reader to stick with it to get there.

And given the booze and drug fueled haze that he existed in during the years he has covered to this point, I really do have to wonder how he can possibly remember so many instances with such clarity. I don’t think he was keeping a journal documenting it all…

I do applaud him for coming through and being able to write about his experience. And for certain it makes me furious at ‘the system’ - the hockey world and culture - for what it did - does?! - to vulnerable young boys and young men… and confirms that I was correct in insisting to keep my son from taking part in organised hockey when he was in his formative years.

DNF

[Dominique · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very raw, heartbreaking, and brutally honest read about addiction - which I think there should be more of in this world. Addiction is a very real thing & it affects so many more people than you think. For Myhres to so bravely put everything he experienced in a book is highly commendable. As a hockey fan in MN, I had an easier time connecting with this one than some other addiction memoirs I've picked up in the past. Listening to him talk about how differently things were in the League back in the days of real enforcers was so interesting and frustrating, given what we now know about the effects of CTE in athletes. Reading through each one of his downward spirals was very difficult, but it really drove home just how difficult the road to recovery is. The fact that he *did* eventually get clean and sober after so many attempts, that he went back to school to study substance abuse behavioral health, and that he ended up working for the NHL is absolutely amazing and inspiring.

Thank you to Viking (Penguin Random House) & NetGalley for providing me with a copy of the e-book in exchange for an honest review.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Blaming yourself and taking responsibility are two different things"

What an incredible and inspiring memoir.

This story is about a Former NHL player who had life by the balls, money and a great career, fame and lots of friends, but lost it all to addiction, lost in the depths of hell that became his reality.

He had So many opportunities to get sober with the help and financial support of the NHL which is lucky because alot of people dont have that kind of support.
But; he kept fuc@$g them up time and again.(I wanted to yell at him through the book so many times lol)
Needless to say he was ban from the NHL, and lost his career and lost himself in the drugs and booze.

I can't tell you how amazing and strong this man is.His resilience and how far he was willing to go to dig himself out of his rock bottom, right to being on top again......working with the NHL and having a beautiful daughter to live everyday sober for.
He should be so proud of himself at how hard he has worked and how far he has come!!!!
Just amazing 👏
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

[Lauren Herschel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book wouldn’t normally be something I’d pick up but I somehow stumbled across it doing some research and thought I’d go the audio book route to check it out.

This is a touching, frustrating, sad, and inspiring story. I’m not the biggest hockey fan these days, but I was back in Brantt’s time playing, so it was interesting to hear “behind the scenes” tales from that era (we are a similar age so it was easy to go back and remember the sports culture then and what was more socially acceptable). There were moments listening to this where I would yell “come on - don’t do it” and others where I’d clap at his successes. I can’t say I’ve ever done that with a book.

This book will give you one person’s insight into addiction in a way that truly makes you feel some of what he went through and understand the struggle addiction creates. I think this book will help people better understand and also help some be better understood. And I think it will give some people hope, which is amazing.

[Michelle Russell Russell · Rating 5 out of 5]

From Pain to Purpose: A Book That Moved Me Deeply

This book truly touched my heart. Brantt’s story is so raw, honest, and powerful. It takes you from being on top of the world to hitting rock bottom and finding the strength to rise again. It’s not just about hockey or addiction; it’s about healing, humility, and never giving up on yourself.

I felt so many emotions while reading it. I laughed, cried, celebrated, and more than once wanted to give him a big hug. His humility and openness really moved me. I admire how he continues to learn and grow, even after everything he has been through.

A few quotes that stayed with me:

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” — Lao Tzu
“The truth will set you free. As it did Brantt.”
“Never stop dreaming. The best is yet to come.”

This book left a lasting mark on my heart. Brantt’s courage to share his truth has given hope to so many, myself included. 🤍

[Anastacia Wilkin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved this book. I think it’s because I could see so many traits in myself and those I am close with. I wasn’t sure what to expect as I read anything hockey I can get my hands on. This book was like going back in time. The first fight opponent the author mentions was someone I admired and watched when he played in Las Vegas, Rhett Trombley. Let’s just say after that I was hooked. I found myself cheering for small victories and then upset when relapses. While more on the side of addiction than hockey this book definitely had the roller coaster of emotions. I applaud Brantt on his willingness to share in hopes of helping others. We have all at one moment or another been at the end of a dark tunnel some deeper than others and I found some hope in this book.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. A fascinating, at times heartbreaking, insight into the pressures of the NHL, and the relentlessness of addiction. Right from the foreword, this book was gnarly in its frankness, and that’s it’s key - it’s warts and all. Myhres leaves nothing out when describing his using, and the impacts and ramifications. It’s because we see those lows, that hopelessness, that the resolution means so much. To see where he’s at now in his recovery and sobriety is heartening.

Definitely a testament to banning fighting in hockey. With all the talk around CTE at the moment, it’s worthwhile asking if we need that in the sport when the price is quality of life for the athletes.

Rooting for you, Brantt.

[Cher Saretzky · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an amazing read! Hard to put down. Shocking at times and well written. He holds nothing back about his struggles with addiction on and off the ice. The only pro hockey player to ever receive a lifetime ban from the National Hockey League for substance abuse. He lost EVERYTHING and then finally turned his life around. This book will help many people struggling with addiction, or people that have loved ones or friends struggling with addiction - especially during the Covid crisis, where substance abuse, depression, stress, anxiety, abuse and suicide are at an all time high.

I highly recommend Pain Killer.

[Steph Romm · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a solid 4.5 - a really harrowing tale from Brantt Myhres about his struggles with addiction and his role as an enforcer with the NHL. Brantt unfortunately squandered a lot of second-chances (and third, and forth...) but found the strength to finally save his own life when he wanted to be there for his new baby daughter. It's a brutally honest retelling of his battle with drugs, alcohol, and the pressures of his career. I especially enjoyed the foreword by Michael Landsberg, as well. I'm glad Brantt wanted to tell his story and I hope all the best for him and his family!

[patrick Lorelli · Rating 4 out of 5]

An honest look into the pain addiction caused by wanting to play sports, the author goes into how many times he would go out on the ice even when injured. I do know that part of that is from the saying that hockey players are tougher than in other sports, especially when I see them coming back out after going in after the first period. As soon as all of the leagues are working on this problem, I do feel it is on all of the people from the league, to staff, ownership, and even the players themselves. A very enlightening book.

[Ashley Morris · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got about 20-25% through this before I had to tap out. The dialogue isn't put into quotes so it's hard to follow. I feel like this memoir is 98% hockey and 2% addiction problems. There's an early memory he retells about sexual abuse as a child which is really hard to read and with no warning. I love addiction memoirs but unfortunately this one couldn't hold a candle to my gold standard, Beautiful Boy.

[readyfreddy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a difficult read, in a good way.
I have seen my friends and those close to me struggle with alcohol and drug addictions. His book gives me an insight to the “why” and what happens during rehab. It is raw, which is what I enjoy reading, and best suited this book.
The only issue I had was the lack of quotation marks.
I highly recommend this book to those in high-level sports and people who know those who have or have had substance abuse issues.a