The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent

by Betty Martin, Robyn Dalzen

Why would most people endure unwanted or unsatisfying touch, rather than speak up for their own boundaries and desires? It’s a question with a myriad of answers – and one that Dr. Betty Martin has explored in her 40+ years as a hands-on practitioner, first as a chiropractor and later as a Somatic Sex Educator, Certified Surrogate Partner and Sacred Intimate. In her client sessions, she noticed a pattern wherein many clients would “allow” or go along with discomfort or unease rather than speak up for what they wanted or didn’t want. Betty discovered there was a major component missing for people -- the confidence that we have a choice about what is happening to us.In her framework, “The Wheel of Consent®” Betty traces the fundamental roots of consent back to our childhood conditioning. As children, we are taught that to be “good” we must ignore our body’s discomfort and be to finish our food even if we’re full, to go to bed even if we’re not tired, to let relatives hug and kiss us even if we don’t want to. We learn that our feelings don’t matter more than what is happening, and that we don’t have a choice but to go along, whether or not we want it. As adults, this conditioning remains with us until we have an opportunity to unlearn it, which is why consent violations are often only called out after the violation has occurred - because we have not been taught or empowered to notice our boundaries, much less value or express our internal signals as the unwanted action is happening.In this book, Betty guides the reader through the Wheel of Consent framework, and shares practices to help us recover the ability to notice what we want and set clear boundaries. In these practices, we discover that the Art of Giving includes knowing our own limits so we can be more generous within those limits, and not give beyond our capacity. We also discover that the Art of Receiving invites us to notice and ask for what we really want. This knowledge, and its embodied practice, is foundational for creating clear agreements and bringing more satisfaction into relationships.While much of consent education focuses on noticing what we don’t want, or prevention of violation, Betty has developed a “pleasure-forward” approach to teaching consent. By first accessing and awakening (sometimes re-awakening) our bodies’ relationship to pleasure and what we want, we can practice noticing and verbalizing what we don’t want. Such an approach provides a more holistic frame in which to unlearn the childhood conditioning that taught us to be silent and compliant, and in which individuals can learn to ask for what they want and state what they don’t, in a more empowered way.The implications of this approach to consent education extends beyond touch and intimate relationships. When we forget how to notice what we really want, we lose our inner compass. When we continue to go along with things we don’t feel are right, we lose our ability to speak up against injustice. This has a profound effect on society. We allow all manner of inequality, corruption, theft of natural resources and our planet’s future health - because “going along with it” feels normal.The #MeToo movement exposed the pervasiveness of boundary violations in modern culture. The Wheel of Consent offers a deeply nuanced way to practice consent as an agreement that brings integrity, responsibility, and empowerment into human interaction, starting with touch and relationships, and further expanding our understanding of consent to social issues of equality and justice.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Sexuality, Relationships, Self Help, Health, Audiobook

462 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 19, 2021

Reviews

[Gene Z · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book about how we relate to others, and how to give and receive with more integrity and respect for other people by understanding these 4 roles.

I give it high marks for the powerful ideas:
- Expanded definition of consent
- Separating giving and receiving between who is doing the action and who it's for, creating 4 distinct roles
- Wanting-to vs. Willing-to
- Requests vs. Offers vs. Invitations
- Domains vs. Boundaries vs. Limits
- Direct vs. Indirect routes to pleasure
- Sessions vs. Conversations

The lab exercises include detailed steps and examples of how others experienced them. The expository sections were repetitive, though--something I hope gets tightened in a revised edition. There are also 8 additional chapters, currently sold separately as a PDF, which should also be included in future editions.

[Andre · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book content marked a before and an after in my life. It gave me so much practical, embodied tools to reconnect with my own agency and internalice slowly through my body my right to choose and my right to pleasure. As well that it helped me to understand myself and my surroudings more deeply. As a sexual abuse survivor, it's the ground of my healing process. The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent

[kiera gran · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not 2 be dramatic but this book genuinely changed my life. These are concepts that seem so self-explanatory, but get so muddled in our experiences, culture, environment, etc, etc, etc. As adults these things need to be returned to and relearned. Often I would stop and just sit in silence to process. Though this book focused on giving and receiving in a physical context (not solely sexual), I was deeply struck by the application to emotional aspects of giving and receiving.

A quote: “The less skill you have with self care the more you need to control what happens”

Another: “It is your nature as a human being to deserve love. You may not have received all the love you deserved or experienced the optimal expression of the love that others have felt for you but it is not because you did not deserve it. It’s because none of us have perfected the art of loving.”

WELL DAMN

I like how she explores the positives and shadow side of each quadrant. I feel like often in society, we idolize giving/being someone who always gives - but there is a very real downside to this. She explores this well in the book. She also touches on the broader implications of the positives and negatives, beyond a two person relationship, but in communities and globally.

Anyways, this book is an excellent reminder of our innate human needs and desires but captures so well the work we must do to meet them in appropriate, healthy ways, respecting the autonomy of ourselves and others- physically and emotionally.

[Zoe O]

I picked up this audiobook after coming across the following quote: “When we are worried about having to give too much, we become afraid to give anything at all. When we take full responsibility for our limits, we become relaxed and generous within those limits.”

I love the title of this book, it really in one sentence tells the lesson of the book, which is how receiving and giving are actually skills that can be learned.

It was interesting to spend some time thinking about this topic more in general, and it helped me think more deeply about these dynamics in my life, and realise how both giving and receiving are both inherently vulnerable acts. It’s an interesting angle to consider power dynamics from as well (another thesis idea for if I could just do school forever).

The two other quotes I really liked:
-The truth will set you free, but it’ll probably shake things up first
-You might think that getting good at taking means getting good at grabbing anything and everything. The opposite is true. You get good at respecting others' limits and choices. You are able to trust that what you want is valid and ask for it without being attached to it. You have a beautiful combination of responsibility, desire, clarity, and respect that makes it easy to play with you or do business with you.

[Noa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Normaal geef ik non fictie boeken niet zo vaak ster beoordelingen maar dit boek gaf zoveel verheldering dat ik wel moest :) dit boek laat op een eenvoudige manier zien hoe we vaak geven terwijl we hopen te ontvangen. Of juist dat we ontvangen maar vooral bezig zijn met de ander. Het gaf me duidelijkheid over de verschillende rollen die er zijn, en zodra je hier inzicht in krijgt er ook meer balans ontstaat. Een aanrader voor iedereen die bewuster wilt leren geven, ontvangen en voelen wat je écht wilt.

[Spencer · Rating 4 out of 5]

You dont give consent, you arrive at it, together

Learning to receive the gifts of others cracks our hearts open

3 minute game- swap w a partner and ask/do
How do you want me to touch you for 3 min?
How do you want to touch me for 3 min?

4 quadrants on the wheel of consent:

Serving- you are doing and giving: you give your action. its for them
Its not your preference but its within your limits.
Shadow side is martyrdom

Taking- you are doing and receiving: you receive thw gift of access to them. its for you
Its your preference and within their limits.
Shadow side is stealing

Accept- they are doing and giving: you receive the gift of their action. its for you
Its your preference and within their limits
Shadow side is entitlement

Allow- they are doing and receiving: you give access to you. its for them
Its not your preference but its within your limits.
Shadow side is being a doormat

Shadow is represented in all quadrants by strategizing, manipulating transactional “gifts”.

It is possible to receive gratitude on any quadrant. It doesnt mean you are in receiving

You can experience pleasure in a relaxed or excited state. Some people experience fear in one of those states but not the other way around

Pleasure heals. Infants are born knowing how to ask for what they want

Sex desire is abt sexual expression, not sexual activity. At its most meaningful its abt seeing and being seen

We conflate sex and touch. Practice non sexual touch to learn the difference.

Follow pleasure where it is, dont tell it where it should be

The only need feelings have is for us to be with them. Try it for 90seconds

There is no safety. Only relative safety

Listen to resistance- something tender is wanting attention

The secret to improving your touch is not the outflow, its paying attention to the inflow

Dont let your partner acquiesce. Be a taker who is a guardian of their limits. Then surrender is safe.

When an activity becomes more intense, we revert to what we have always done. So slow down

“Let go” is terrible advice. It is saying you should ignore yourself and push through your resistance

Heed the inner pull, not the push
Push- i should be ok w this
Pull- this is on the edge but sounds fun, i like this! Heart, I believe you and will take care of you!

You trust yourself when you take care of your limits and listen to yourself. Learn to trust that you wont abandon yourself- this creates a sense of safety

It is a spiritual path to learn how to receive. You aren't worthy of it because you earned it and deserve it. You deserve love because you are human. Receiving brings you face to face with your vulnerability. To acknowledge wants helps you develop as a full being of integrity. You wont give in order to get. You will stop allowing in order to get any touch at all. You will stop serving in an attempt to get touch.

The shame of exposure is overridden by the glory of being seen

The intention to give does not constitute serving. This only comes when you know what they want and agree to it

Your desire is sacred. Only you can carry it. If you ignore it or go along with someone elses. Your desire dries up and you become resentful. You cant force it to be there. But its nature is to rise up - you have to make room for it

Everything is sacred or nothing is sacred

[A · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is required reading - it dissects interactions (sexual and non) with far reaching consequences such as political, environmental, and social justice situations. I would expect, based on the title and the authors’ professions, that many approach this book for insights into relational and sexual dynamics. Here, alone, the book can be insightful, even ground-breaking and disruptive (ie your sh#t or someone else’s will be handed to you). At the very least, everyone should read this book to understand consent, and it may disrupt here too - how misunderstood and appropriated consent is.

We have so much work to do, personally and collectively (and both are on my WANT list 😘)

This book was personally and professionally (sex Ed and counseling) revelatory. I suspect it will be for many. The authors deserve all.the.things - in deep gratitude for them ❤️

[Dexter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably the best and most applicable book I’ve read this year.

[aleida · Rating 5 out of 5]

a book everyone should read

[Michael Sasson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is what I needed when I was 20, a way healthy culture would do sex ed. How to compare to sex therapy's suggestion for "low libido" partner to this?

262 It requires another person. It is possible to receive the gifts of nature or the universe/god/goddess, and I hope you do. Animals are great, too, as they don't judge us. But yeah, humans.
373 "Enlightenment has something to do with understanding the constant and inescapable nature of your own vulnerability." -- David Whyte
-
18 I was struck again and again by how strong our tendency is to go along with what we think we are supposed to want or like. Why on earth would we do that when it's our turn to have what we want? <>
21 When we take full responsibility for our limits, we become relaxed and generous within those limits. [...] The way to joy and generosity is not to push ourselves, but to own our limits.
36 People often started out not being able to tell the difference -- until they could. For example, they were touching, and they couldn't tell if it was for them or for the other. Then there would be an aha moment including some emotional shift, and the distinctions became clear. <>
40 "If you are capable of living deeply one moment of your life, you can learn to live the same way all the moments of your life." --Thich Nhat Hanh
47 By sex I mean the presence of your own arousal and the decision to follow it. If it involves another person, they are also following their arousal. [...] in the foggy maze of our mixed feelings, we want to find each other.
48 We want a way to start where we are. We want a reasonable and accessible way to expand ease and confidence and free up our natural sensuality. We want a simple, direct, tangible way that does not require new deities. This practice is one way to do that. <>
56 TO FIND THE QUADRANTS It takes someone to play with. You don't need to be lovers to play. It's fine to ask a friend to be your practice buddy.
77-8 Your skin will do the work for you [....] You don't have to dissect your issues or resolve your past. All you need is to be curious and bring your attention to the sensation -- then do that again and again. All the rest of it happens by itself. <>
87 Sometimes when I remind people to get comfortable, they will say, "Oh, I can make this work." Of course you can, but why would you? I tell them, "We're not going for workable; we're going for fabulous." Very often they suddenly get it.
97 Sometimes when we make everything sexual, it's because we are not comfortable with cozy and comforting. <<& v/v>>
148-9 When you give up your responsibility for your no, you cannot surrender. You can only be passive, which is never useful and definitely not delicious. [...] The question to ask yourself is no, Why can't I surrender? [...] the question is, Within what particular limits does it sound fun to surrender? [...] Essentially this means, within what limits are you trustworthy to yourself?
150-1 The question is, What is the thing I can give with a full heart? or What is it about the request, that if it changed, I would be glad to give it? [...] This is not, What is it about me that would need to change? It's, What is it about the request that would need to change?
158 [...] we didn't get the touch we wanted (and often still don't). We put up with touch we didn't want and settled for the crumbs of what we did want -- and this feels normal. [...] We believe it's not the touch that's the problem -- it's us. [...] We miss the fact that it is possible to be touched in ways we want. It just does not occur to us.
173 Many of us have never felt that what we wanted mattered. It does. We don't always get it, but it matters.
176 Your pleasure ceiling is the point just beyond which lies your shame. guilt, tenderness, gratitude, and your tears. [...] When your feelings arise, follow the pleasure again. Does it sound appealing to have some support for that? To pause and back up? To keep going and let the tears flow? To take a break? You get to decide -- because it's your turn. This teaches you to trust yourself, and your pleasure ceiling will naturally rise.
184 In the Push, you are telling your heart, You don't matter. Just shut up and get with the program! In the Pull, you are telling your heart, Like that idea? I believe you, and I will take care of you. The real edge is not the activity in question. The real edge is How true can I be to myself? This is much harder to do. Then we trust ourselves, and our interests naturally expand.
185 <> Find out what your receiver wants at this moment with you.
186 The secret to generosity is to tend to your limits. When we can say no, we no longer have to guard against what someone may ask us for, so we relax and become generous within our limits. It's limits first, and then generosity and joy arise from there.
188 In the Serving role, you want to reverse that dynamic. When you keep your desires out of the way, it makes room for them to notice what their own desires are and bring them forward. [...] Spaciousness protects them from you.
191 What part of the agreement needs to be different so that you can easily and gladly give with a full heart?
192 We don't realize that we can say no and still feel connected. <>>
202 So you start out with a default of Serve-Accept, and if you want Take-Allow, you ask for it. [....] In this way, you learn to trust your impulse and desire, learn to trust expressing it, and learn to trust that you will both be true to yourselves first. This is the route to freedom when free play and wild abandon become possible. Performance ends and genuine expression of love opens up. This is what satisfies the heart. (Lab 3 play)
216 My friend says, "I've learned to wait for an inner Hell yes! and until I hear that, it's a no."
In the labs, there is the opportunity to experiment with how much responsibility for yourself you can learn and how trustworthy you can become, both that you won't abandon yourself and that you will respect your partner's limits. <>
219 Likewise, the meaning of giving shifts from "doing" to the act of putting your desires aside (while still respecting your limits). Putting your desires aside is the heart of giving a gift.
220 We develop integrity; we are no longer pretending to be in one dynamic when what we really want is the other one. <>
231 Trying to stay in giving isn't play -- it's outcome management.
234 What you do learn is the skills that allow you to access your self-expression and do so with respect, and that let's you trust yourself enough to cut loose. <>
236 Taking teaches you how to notice and follow your impulses and, at the same time, respect your partner's limits, which makes you trustworthy and opens confidence and the ability to play. Perhaps most important is that Taking teaches you the difference between Taking and Serving, which is the crux of the Doing Half. Until you can tell the difference, you can't do either of them. <<& see p344>>
238 My friend, a trained surrogate partner, said this about working with men who are intimidated by sexual activity: "Every one of these guys was unable to move their pelvis forward. In order to thrust, they have to move their whole body. They could not move their pelvis."
245 Rather than changing yourself to suit the activity, your job is to change the activity to suit yourself, to notice what you want (Accepting Quadrant) or what you are genuinely okay with (Allowing Quadrant).
252 At the heart of receiving is noticing what you want. [...] If it's not wonderful, it's not because you are not a "good receiver," it's because it's not the thing you want (or it is more of it than you want).
253 Receiving is a fundamental human need, a need to experience having someone else set aside what they might prefer and put us first. We need to do this in a way that respects the other person's limits and boundaries. In other words, the need to receive is not a need to steal. It is a mature capacity to take in focused attention and care and to nourish ourselves with it and enjoy it.
256 That you get loved and appreciated only when you don't have any wants. <>
259 To be witnessed, supported and affirmed in our desire and pleasure is profoundly healing. [...] When the feelings arise, you'll decide then what sounds wonderful next, because it's for you.
268 You feel appreciated and connected, and on occasions when you do feel lonely, you ask yourself, What do I want to receive that I am not asking for? Then you ask for it. You take the experience into less tangible realms, receiving the gift of sunshine, of beauty, of life.
273 If your giving is not a joy, it's a signal that there is some limit that you are ignoring, haven't noticed, or don't have the skill to speak. There is a direct correlation between the responsibility you take for your limits and the ease and joy you feel in your experience of giving.
278 We need to know that we can say no to a request and still stay connected to the person. It takes having experiences in which it's true and slowing down enough to notice it's true.
279 Finally, you need to learn how to receive so your needs are met and you have something to give.
290 For almost everyone, the Taking Quadrant is the hardest and the most misunderstood, confusing, and intimidating. The Take-Allow dynamic is the opposite of what feels normal to most people. You are touching for your own enjoyment [...] You come to terms with the impulse to act in your own self-interest, to do what you want to do. You discover that to touch someone, you don't need a technique, don't need to give, and don't need an excuse. What you do need is to recognize that you want something and gain their permission. [...] Taking develops integrity, because you no longer have to pretend you are giving.
293 As you gain the skill to ask for your Allower's limits, abide by them, and notice if they are tensing up, you become trustworthy. [...] Over time, you develop confidence [....] The need for strategy drops away, so you become creative. This is liberating and satisfying.
[...] The experience of Taking includes a wide range of moods, but they all have the sense that this is absolutely and unquestionably for you. You stop trying to give, and you receive the gift of being allowed to do what you want. Very often there are feelings of freedom, relief, and gratitude.
294 You develop noticing skills that make you trustworthy. That gives you the ability to cut loose with confidence. You notice where in your life you make assumptions about what is available, and you start to clean those up.
Perhaps the most basic change is that Taking develops the direct route to pleasure and gets you out of the indirect (vicarious) route. This improves the quality of your touch. Your hands relax and become sensual, sensitive, and intuitive. That improves your Serving when it's your turn to do so. Opening the direct route also lets you drop the goal, attend to the present moment, and locate your experience within yourself.
Taking decouples the impulse to do from the need to give.
296 There is the fact that you are receiving a gift from someone who care about you. They have set aside what they might prefer in order to give you what you want. Part of that gift is their body, and part is their acceptance of you as a desiring, sensual, pleasuring being.
297 Every one of those are things that we need and are central to our sense of connection and sanity, and we have been taught they are wrong.
[...] "I want to get everything you've got, everything. But when I get it, I want to feel absolutely certain that you want me to have it." -- Claude Brown
298 Why you need it in bed. I can't count the number of couples who have asked me for help recovering their sexual spark. Invariably, Taking is missing. We are taught that the only way to be a good lover is to Serve. Serving is lovely sometimes, but when you set your desires aside every time, you will get bored, and boring. Not to mention resentful. If you are going to experience aliveness, you must learn how to take action that expresses how you feel instead of it being a strategy [...]
302 The muddy zone. [...] in Taking in which consent is assumed or coerced. It may be seemingly innocuous. You don't ask because you don't know how, so you try it and see if they stop you. It must be okay; they didn't stop me. It's a muddy zone because it's not always clear whose "fault" it is, and there is likely to be a heated debate about that. And the perpetrator is often not aware that they are doing so. <>
304 [...] you get good at respecting others' limits and choices. You are able to trust that what you want is valid and ask for it without being attached to it. You have a beautiful combination of responsibility, desire, clarity, and respect that makes it easy to play with you [...]
In bed, you are sensual, confident, perceptive, playful, and not afraid of yourself. You are able to take initiative and don't always have to wait for someone to start. You are never stuck in a recipe [....]
305 Active sensuality does not need to become transmuted into something more "worthy." It is already worthy.
It's easy to confuse "spiritual" with passive, but there is nothing spiritual about passivity. Taking is where you learn that.
309 To the degree you take responsibility, Allowing can be luxurious, delightful, rich, relaxing, and often pleasurable.
Allowing [...] is not stuffing yourself down to get through something. It's not enduring, placating, capitulating, acquiescing, or submitting.
310 The essence of Allowing is allowing others to take action for their own benefit, even though it affects you, and having a limit to what you are okay with. The heart of Allowing is surrender.
321 Allowing is giving a gift; the gift is access. As is true in all forms of Giving, what you prefer doesn't matter; your limits matter absolutely.
322 With our lovers, we want their desires to show up.
323 Certain writers encourage (heterosexual) men to recover the "manly" take-charge impulse and women to recover the "womanly" surrender impulse, saying that this is what is missing for so many couples. What they are reaching for is the Take-Allow dynamic; they just don't know what it is. <>
324 When you understand consent, Take-Allow becomes clear and liberating. If you don't understand consent, the whole thing is a big confusing, suspicious mess -- but still compelling.
328 The aha of Accepting comes when you slow down enough to notice what it is you actually want instead of what you think you are supposed to want and ask for that. The crux is noticing that there is a difference between what you want and what you don't mind.
329 How accurately can you notice what you want? How specifically can you request it? How well can you trust yourself to not settle for "good enough"? [...] you will get to ask yourself, What do I want right now? Exploring Accepting is coming back to that question again and again.
[...] Follow the Pleasure. Instead of telling the pleasure where you think it should be, follow it where it already is. [...] When you wait until you hear the inner Hell yes! you learn that you can be trusted to not abandon yourself. Based on this trust of yourself, what interests you will naturally expand.
330 Accepting is the opportunity to tend to your enjoyment with nothing else to do.
331 It is possible to have someone set aside what they want and touch you exactly the way you want. This can be life changing. You learn to notice what you want. It shows you where you have been tolerating and settling for crumbs. You stop settling for whatever you think you are supposed to want and expand your creativity into what it is possible to ask for.
You get better at bringing your attention to your experience. You become able to ask for things that are tenderhearted or erotically edgy.
332 Why do you need [Accepting] in your sex life? So you stop your compulsive giving and discover that you are worthy of pleasure just because you're you. It helps you learn to locate your experience in your own body instead of living vicariously through your partner.
333 In Accepting, we come right up to the fact that we need other human beings. That is a fundamental vulnerability that our lives are built on.
336 When you feel neglected or isolated, you check in with yourself -- What do I need? -- and communicate that.
345 [...] these themes are not inherent to gender. They show up based on how we are conditioned.
347 [...] sometimes when we want to "give," what we really want is for them to like what we want to do.
360 I stop trying to get you to want something I am afraid to admit that I want, and I stop trying to get you to feel the way I want you to feel. I acknowledge that there is something that I want, communicate that, and respect your answer. To that degree I become free.
What am I not asking for? When I feel resentful, I have learned to ask myself, What am I not asking for? or What did I not say no to that I wanted to say no to? Essentially, What am I trying to move from my domain over into theirs? The cure for resentment is rarely easy, but it requires taking full responsibility for your domain.
373 I have come to see spirituality as being inherent in the physical. It's what will show up if you are really in the body. [...immanence vs transcendence..] Does it make you more responsive to people in need? Does it make you more responsible for yourself? That's all I want to know.
381 The knowledge and insights that come from this practice are secondary to the experience. It's the experience that changes you.
382 It's a lifelong journey. It's the experience that illuminates our blind spots, where we get lost, where we tilt into the shadows because we don't know any better.
387 links: www.bettymartin.org; www.robyndalzen.com; www.schoolofconsent.org

See: 212-15, 218, 295, 336 consent/shadow; 208 diagram

[Lihong Chew · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book full of clearly written exercises for practising essential skills for not just touch relationships, but interpersonal relationships. It’s an empowering book that offers lots for the reader to receive from wherever they are in their own journey.

[Lawrence · Rating 5 out of 5]

What are the main ideas?

* we have lots of confusion as a culture in this country (america) about how touch and sensuality and pleasure work.
* a fundamental framework for clarifying all of this is to make a clear distinction between giving and receiving. define "giving" as giving a gift and "receiving" as receiving a gift
* once you define giving and receiving like that, you can disentangle "doing" and "done-to" from giving and receiving. most of us are conditioned to believe that "done-to" is the same as receiving but it is not. when you cross "done-to" and "doing" with "giving" and "receiving" you end up with 4 different areas or quadrant that define what is happening at any (well, most) moments during a moment of touch. the quadrants you get are:

** doing + receiving
** doing + giving
** done-to + receiving
** done-to + giving

* each of those 4 quadrants has a particular magic to unlock
* everyone has a pleasure ceiling and one the other side of it are (often surprising) big feelings. it is finding your pleasure ceiling, learning what's under the feelings there, and integrating what's needed from there to expand your pleasure capacity that makes pleasure a tool for healing.
* each of the quadrants has a shadow and sometimes we are so afraid of the shadow of one or more quadrants that it keeps us wanting or being able to inhabit that/those quadrants at all.

If I implemented one idea from this book right now, which one would it be?

play the three-minute game!

How would I describe the book to a friend?

this book was an earth-shatterer for me. as i was reading it, i could feel like tectonic plates of my several of my most important relationships shift. even though it is technically about touch, it illuminates things about the dynamics of giving and receiving in so many (all?) parts of life. even though it's a long one, i felt like every page was economical and useful. even the repetition felt economical (and there is a lot of it!) because she's really tryna make sure you can't forget the main points. this book will has transformed my relationship to touch, pleasure, consent, and play.

[Kevin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great, simple framework for understanding consent—not just limited to sexual interactions but as a way of being out there. What does it mean to navigate the world with mutual agreement, with clarity about your own limits, and ability to pursue what you want or give with a full heart. (10.3hr)

[Brenna]

As a cover to cover read, this book was a bit rough. It was repetitive in places. And many chapters followed the same structure making it easy to kind of forget what was being said in that exact section.

HOWEVER - the wheel of consent is a really good tool. The way this books provides for a nuanced conception of giving and receiving pleasure is 💯. I’d probably recommend this book to folks who can take the book slowly and do all of the somatic partnered practices throughout.

[Jane]

New review. I have been dipping into this book since 2020 or so. If you have a long-term partner with good communication skills, I recommend it.

Interesting. It makes me think we need to have longer appointments with our OB/Gyns to discuss these issues. I was surprised by her diss of Christiane Northrup. I think any and all knowledge is useful.

[Sinclair · Rating 5 out of 5]

love this book. such essential practices for giving and receiving, consent, embodiment, and erotic practices.

[Elain Aletta · Rating 2 out of 5]

Nice framework, but could have also been written in 50 pages

[Jess · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting, but EXTREMELY repetitive. Could have got the same information across in a quarter of the length.

[Roland Curit · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a massage therapist. After a long initial intake with a client, we discovered a significant overlap in our philosophies on touch. She asked if I had read The Art of Receiving and Giving Touch by Betty Martin. I had not. Now I have. And I am better for it.

Martin does not offer physical “recipes” on how to be a better therapist, lover, spouse, or person. Rather, she teaches readers how to recognize where their intentions reside on the Wheel of Consent. This self-awareness promotes a deeper ability to be both better givers and better receivers.

The Wheel of Consent is a circle divided into four quadrants: Serve and Accept, and Take and Allow. Serve and Accept reside across from each other, as do Take and Allow. When people operate within the wheel, one person acts as the giver and the other as the receiver. Similarly, one person is doing, while the other is being “done to.”

Under Serve and Accept, the server performs an act of touch on the acceptor. The touch is predetermined and requested by the acceptor, always within both participants’ boundaries. Here, the server may not stray from what was requested. He or she is serving the acceptor’s request—no more, no less. The server is doing. The acceptor is being “done to.” The server gives the gift of touch. The acceptor receives that gift.

Under Take and Allow, the taker performs an act of touch on the allower. Again, the touch is predetermined and agreed upon within both participants’ boundaries. The taker may not stray from what has been permitted. In this quadrant, the taker touches for their own pleasure. The taker is doing. The allower is being done to. The allower gives the gift of access to their body. The taker receives that gift.

The Wheel of Consent rarely appears in everyday life. Committed couples often “freelance” their touch for mutual enjoyment. Rarely do they intentionally place themselves into one of the wheel’s quadrants.

Even in a massage setting, where there is a clear giver (the therapist) and receiver (the client), the interaction often does not follow a pure Serve and Accept model. Clients rarely provide ongoing, specific instructions after the initial intake. Once the session begins, the therapist largely dictates the framework, which weakens the Serve and Accept structure.

One could argue that therapist and client are instead acting out elements of Take and Allow. The therapist performs most of the action based on what they feel comfortable providing, and the client allows it to happen. However, true Take and Allow involves touching for one’s own pleasure, and most therapists are trying to please their clients rather than themselves.

It seems, then, that the Wheel of Consent does not arise naturally in most social settings. Instead, it is something two willing participants must consciously enter for a specific period of time. This intentional “role play” helps participants recognize what they are giving and what they are receiving—either the gift of touch or the gift of access.

One common complaint in other reviews is that the material is too repetitive. I initially felt the same way, but later realized that this may not be a weakness. A 380-page book containing 100 new ideas may be impressive, but how many of those ideas will remain a year later? Conversely, when a book returns repeatedly to four core concepts—Serve, Accept, Take, and Allow—you finish with those ideas firmly embedded in long-term memory. So yes, it is repetitive, and that is not a bad thing.

Beyond its lessons on touch, I found several passages that resonated deeply with me as a massage therapist. I now better understand why many clients struggle to explain their needs: “One reason is that asking for what we want and receiving it are inherently vulnerable.”

In my practice, I emphasize full-body relaxation. Many clients are surprised by how different they feel after one of my sessions compared to a typical massage elsewhere. As Martin writes, “Many people don’t know how much anxiety they are feeling until they learn what a relaxed state feels like—not a few bits of pleasure peeking out from behind tension and worry, but a genuine, full-body relaxed state.”

Draping is also an important topic in my studio. I am liberal-minded and allow clients to explore their own comfort levels. Martin captures this beautifully: “Being uncovered, seen, adored, wanted, looked at—really closely, I mean really closely. The shame of exposure is overridden only by the glory of it.”

The Art of Receiving and Giving Touch is a wonderful book—perhaps a little repetitive, but to its advantage. You will not soon forget its lessons.

[Philip · Rating 5 out of 5]

I basically agree with all 5-star reviews on here. The book presents a very valuable model (“the wheel of consent”) and plenty of associated insights to come to a respectful, adult, consensual and pleasurable way to have interpersonal connections.

I believe that the model is something everyone can use. Whether this is a topic or struggling with or not. There’s always room to get better at something as valuable as this.

The book has quite a lot of repetition in it, repeating the terminology and meaning for the quadrants and dynamics over and over again. But it’s a smooth read and the subject is important enough to make sure you understand every detail, so I forgive the writers for that. I’m not sure what path I would recommend most to find out about the wheel of consent: the book, a workshop, or the videos on Betty Martin’s website/youtube. Whichever path you choose, I’m pretty sure you’ll experience it as highly valuable.

[Grainne Carr · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really is the go-to book when it comes to gaining a deep understanding of the consensual dynamics that are at play within all kinds of relationships. The author dives into the nuances of consent and the importance of noticing, valuing, trusting and communicating our needs, wants and desires in our interactions with others. I've been a student of this work for several years now and yet I was delighted to find that the Author and creator of the Wheel of Consent Model, Betty Martin finds new ways to deepen awareness and understanding of this hugely interesting and nuanced topic. Highly recommended for anyone who is a student of consent, boundaries, who works as a talk or touch based therapist or anyone who wants to become more confident in noticing and respecting their own and others boundaries.

[Ben Smitthimedhin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent framework for arriving at consent with a partner, which Martin defines not just as permission or compromise, but as something much richer as a place to explore what one truly wants with no filters and what the other can fully give with joy.

The 3-minute game provides a low-stakes way to be vulnerable & explore different aspects of touch without being overbearing. The book is just a tad repetitive though I understand the need to drill down on people who

1. Don't know how to ask for touch or how to be touched
2. just accept what's ok/acceptable from their partner/whomever without communicating what they truly want
3. Never ask themselves if giving what their partner/whomever asks for is something they can do "with a full heart."
4. don't know what they want w/r/t touch and don't know how to make space for it

[Cheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

I began reading this as I am a trauma survivor and was embarking on the journey of learning to allow touch in my life. As one might imagine, I had/have some serious issues where touch is concerned. Allowing touch is one thing, but feeling the touch without a trigger, or dissociation or flinching, without feeling terror, without my young one present...in literally just allowing myself to feel her hand on my back. It was mind blowing to feel each individual finger gently stroke my arm. And then I picked up this book and the confusion began again...I am still learning.

[Ariana · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 rounding up.

This content is extraordinary and I wish that everyone had the benefit of this training from am early age and throughout the lifespan. While the content is oriented to touch-based and sexual applications, it is essential for all of human relating. I expect I will be revisiting this body of work for a long time, as I integrate, metabolize, and practice the skills and tools that are offered here.

[Martin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has clearly been written with the best intentions in mind and is packed with experience-based practical advice on personal integrity and self-expression. It boils down hard-to-grasp concepts to something tangible using simple language. I think that anyone, no matter how emotionally fluent they are, can learn something useful by reading it - and they should! :)
It tends to be repetetive, but it's OK given that it is a workbook.

[Eryn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read for my therapy book club so we’ve had some in depth discussions on the concepts in this book, and how to utilize some of these in couples therapy work, but I did not expect this to have such an intense and personal affect on me. It has really shaped and changed how my own relationship with my own wants/desires/needs and areas of giving or receiving I struggle with in my own life.

[Wendy Lu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this very slowly over the last few months, and it has been such deeply substantive, meditative process. Definitely adding this to my wish list of books to own in hard copy, and definitely something I will be revisiting.

[Anita Cassidy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend

[Vcmc · Rating 4 out of 5]

A clearly written, easy to follow book which describes, explains and teaches the reader jow to incorporate the wheel of consent in all forms of relationship. I found it incredibly helpful.

[Ruth Coenen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Boeiende theorie, die enorm langdradig en complex wordt uitgelegd.
Jammer dat het hele boek enkel focust op consent bij fysiek contact..